Phil Jackson Is An Evil Genius

So let me get this straight because I'm a bit confused. Shaq never had any problems with Kobe. That whole feud was made up like a wrestling feud. According to him, Phil is the Vince McMahon of the NBA.

"I think it was all designed by Phil," he said. "Because, if you think about it, Phil never called us into the office and said, `Both of you, shut the (heck) up.' Never did that in four years. He knew that when I read something, I was going to get upset. And he knew Kobe was going to always come out and play hard.

Phil was the one who told Kobe to sell Shaq out to the police in Colorado? The Kobe-Shaq feud was created to motivate the team? That's some evil genius shit right there. He might as well sit on the bench petting a white cat while throwing Chris Mihm out on the floor and laughing to himself.

Big Aristotle must think no one was paying attention to his last season with the Lakers or his first season with the Heat. Let's run down the list of Kobe disses with a bit of help from Shaq Quotes.

“My personal opinion is, how, if you never hung out with somebody, do you know them so well? I never hung out with that dude because the dude is a weirdo.”

“Let’s put it in old movie Mafia terms. There are guys that are in position to get by but they didn’t wait their turn. They back-doored the top guy to get the power. For example, Sonny Corleone went up there, and he wanted to be the top guy. And the Godfather said, ‘You know what dude, I’m a star.’ That’s what I’m doing now, and that’s what I was trying to do with what’s-his-name.”

“I’m not the one buying love. He’s the one buying love.” (On a ring – reportedly costing several million dollars – that Kobe Bryant bought for his wife, Vanessa, after he was charged with felony sexual assault.)

ESPN: Do you ever see the day where it would be possible for you to sit down, have a talk with Kobe Bryant?
SHAQ: Who?
ESPN: Kobe Bryant.
SHAQ: You know what I am not familiar with that name, I know a lot of names and I have a lot of names in my head, but I am not familiar with that name. Especially if there is nothing to talk about, I’m sorry I can’t recall that name.

“Kobe always tried to be a hero. But you know, as the saying goes, a hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich.”

Nah, no beef here. Shaq's revisionism puts my freshman PASCAL professor to shame. Did I mention that he was a Holocaust denier? Seriously he was.

"Now that I look back on it, that (stuff) was kind of fun," he said. "It really was. It was kind of fun. `What did he say, what did he say?' I tell people if we would have had a reality show, we'd have had the No. 1 reality show in the world.

"It was fun. It was actually fun. (Assistant coach Brian) Shaw would be, `Oh, man, why did you say that?' And then Karl (Malone) would be like, `Yo, that was (messed) up what you said,' then we'd try to outdo each other in the game.

Too bad no one told Kobe he was in on the joke.