Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Don't Even Ask About His Left Nut

Although you might not be crazy about it at first, you're going to see plenty more cricket posts here at the Deuce, because A) a wise man once said that niche blogging is the key to increased readership, and we're all about massaging our demographics to eventually make mad AdWords loot; B) aside from our long-term financial planning, I actually love cricket; C) the Cricket World Cup in the West Indies is just around the corner, and; D) because the world of cricket, far from resembling the stereotype of a starchy reserve of cucumber-sandwich eaters, is fucking insane.

Don't believe me? Meet Jacob Oram. Oram is a New Zealand all-rounder (that is, a player who is reasonably effective as both a batsman and a bowler. Not many good analogies in baseball, but think Livan Hernandez.) who has really come into his own in the last few months, and was one of the stars of the recent tri-series between NZ, Australia, and England. If NZ are going to have a serious run at the World Cup title, they need Oram to be healthy, especially in light of his outstanding recent batting form. Unfortunately, Oram busted his left ring finger making a catch against Australia earlier in the month, and the pain is threatening to sideline him through the big tourney. But Jacob's got a solution: if the finger is hurting, just cut off the finger.

Desperate to take part in the World Cup, New Zealand all-rounder Jacob Oram has said he would seriously consider amputating his injured ring finger to make it to the Caribbean for the mega event.

Oram, who broke his finger during the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy match, said he was not sure how his finger was healing under the protective strapping.

"The plan is get to the West Indies, whip it off and assess the inflammation... If it means cutting the finger off, if that's the worse-case scenario, if that's the last resort, I'll do that, there's no way I'm missing this," he was quoted as saying in the New Zealand media.

That, my friends, is hardcore. Byron Leftwich is a fucking pussy.

The Chocolate City Classic

Tiger Woods is bringing golf back to our nation's capital. The PGA and Tiger Woods' Foundation are currently in negotiations to bring golf back to the Washington DC area for the first time since...well, last year.

Currently, negotiations are ongoing with Congressional Country Club in Maryland, home of the 2011 US Open, to host the tournament. We here at the Deuce think Tiger needs to kill those talks and holla at Mayor Adrian Fenty. The event needs to be held inside DC at lovely East Potomac Park...otherwise known as Hains Point or the place where former Mayor, DC Councilman Marion "Mayor for Life" Barry, was once arrested for drug possession (no, not "Bitch set me up", this is a different arrest).

Built on a landfill, Hains Point is a peninsula on the south side of the environmentally savaged Tidal Basin that also happens to have a public golf course. It is more generally known as a popular nighttime hangout point for drug dealers and hooker hoes.

The Deuce feels that it is only right and just for Tiger and the rest of the field to play on a golf course in the nation's capital and not in Maryland. Not to mention in an area that represents what Washington DC is all about: filth, politics, drugs and prostitutes!

If the tournament should land in DC and not in Maryland, we suggest this trophy as a representation of excellence in the nation's capital. After all as they say, once you go black...

The Mayor's Cup, in honor of Hizzonor, Mayor for Life, Marion Barry.

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Your Newest TruWarier Megastar

Continuing the Deuce's commitment to bring you the finest in relatively obscure Australian sports news, we sadly note that Brett Lee, Australia's most effective pace bowler (yes, you've stumbled into a post about cricket. Don't stop now, though -- there's a decent payoff) will miss the upcoming Cricket World Cup with an ankle injury. And while Lee's absence will severely hamper Australia's bid to three-peat on the world stage, it does free him up to focus on his . . . "music" career.

It's things like this that make us appreciate the simple native talent of Ron Artest, Shaq, and even the '86 Mets.

(Hat tip to Gentleman's Game No More.)

Pat Summitt Wants To Show You Something

Pat Summitt is planning "something special" for tonight's Florida/Tennessee game, ESPN is reporting, in a response to men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl painting himself for a women's basketball game earlier in the year.

We all unfortunately remember the bare-chested Pearl in full orange and blue glory screaming like a madman on the sidelines of the Lady Vols matchup with Duke:Seriously, we were all subjected to one half naked middle aged man, do we need another? Look at Ms. Summitt:
Yes, that is one sexy lady. She did say she was a the "7th and 8th grade". She is a long time removed from what MUST have been quite a highlight in the annals of cheerleading. If her sideline cheering was as motivational as her coaching, the teams she rooted for probably did quite well! They probably planted her under the opposing team's hoop so that both teams would want to run to the other side of the court as soon as possible, allowing all sorts of scoring opportunities.

Bruce Pearl said "I think America is going to see a side of Pat Summitt that they haven't seen in a long time." Summitt herself said the whole performance is going to be "a little out of character, a lot out of character actually."

We've seen a few of Summitt's cheerleading moves over the years, they include some of these gems.

Yes, she is a beaut. The first move i call "The Bob Dole". The 2nd, "Red Steel". Anyway, do we all really want to see her in this?

I think not. Bruce Pearl shouldn't have showed his pit hair to us all and neither should Pat Summitt.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

El Sex Cannon de Amor

The Big Lead beat us to the Tom Cruise joke but thank Jebus for the one they call Rextacy.

The Sex Cannon could have sent a warm warning shot clear around the world but it only had to go as far as Spain to get a response. It looks like the Spice Boy got his message loud and clear.

Don't get Rexy's style twisted. He's gonna take one for the team in order to lure Becks in close so he can bear down Chicago Bears style on Posh and show her his El train fueled by Gordon's Gin. Ramming speed indeed.

Beckham Photo: The Big Lead
Grossman Photo: Deadspin

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Human Victory Cigars Need Love Too

Poor Jason Kapono. He probably thought he would living in the land of milk and honey after being All-PAC-10 all four years. At the end of a 10-12 year career, three NBA titles and two MVPs, his headband will be bronzed and put in the hall of fame next to Michael Jordan's baseball jersey and Scottie Pippen's plane...oh wait, that got repossesed.

Kapono angered the gods by beating Agent Zero in this year's 3-point contest. He must have thought he'd hit all the parties afterwards with all the video hoes and make it rain with Pacman but apparently he used up all his luck on the court. Sports by Brooks noted Kapono moaning to the Chicago Tribune.
"No one invites me to any parties. Even [Alonzo Mourning]. He's having a billiards thing in Vegas, and I never got anything. He doesn't even know who I am, and I'm on his team."
That's what you get for losing the headband, donkey. He should consider himself lucky. Zo might need another kidney and I'm sure Pat Riley would have no problem putting him down Nip/Tuck style if he was a match regardless of his improved play.

Let the words of Homer Simpson be a lesson to Kapono, Darko and all other human victory cigars fighting the hopeless fight. "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try."

Viva Mexico Cabrón

Aquí hay gato encerrado. You're damn right I do. The PGA is holding their first event in Mexico this weekend. No major stars are expected to appear but the course does boast a unique feature called The Devil's Mouth.
The "mouth" actually is the opening to an underground, cave-like passageway that comes out behind the second hole.

Known as a "cenote," it's the first of many natural delights found on El Camaleon, the Greg Norman-designed venue for this slice of PGA Tour history, the Mayakoba Golf Classic, which opens Thursday.

"It gives character right away," Norman said. "It's an opening statement: 'Here it is!"'

Norman's opening statement ranks up there with JFK's inaugural speech, MLK's "I Have A Dream", Rocky Balboa's "If I Can Change, You Can Change" and Three 6 Mafia's Oscar acceptance speech.

Me thinks this is a devious plot conjured up by the PGA with the help of coyotes to train and import more help to keep American fairways green. There's no way they want Mexicans to take over the tour. Who knows how Fuzzy Zoeller will react when El Gordo wins the Masters. I assure you it won't be bonito.

The Coward Of The County Returns

Now that Lennox Lewis wants to come back and finally take up that rematch against Vitali Klitschko, he'll have to pick up that English accent again. Maybe he can take lessons from Madonna, Gwenyth Paltrow and whatever other ex-pat, wannabe douchebags live in London. "I don't know what a chav is but it sounds so much more refined than anything America has".

Klitschko was in Miami on February 4th where Lewis has a home. It's rumored that the two met there. There have also been sightings of Lewis looking in better shape.

The Daily Mail notes that he might need the money to pay for his properties in Miami, Jamaica, London and America Jr. He's not in Tyson or Pippen trouble but he could use the extra income. He entered the World Poker Championships but lost on the first day. That seems about right.

Funny how the British papers say Lewis defeated Klitschko as if he won outright. If you remember, the fight was stopped after a huge gash opened up on Klitschko's eye. He was winning and probably would have won the fight if he had been allowed to continue. Lewis retired immediately and acted as though he won in convincing fashion and there was no one left to fight. Never mind being down on all the scorecards. He knew he'd get his ass handed to him in the rematch.
Lewis, who had slumped on to his stool at the end of the sixth like a sack of coal falling off the back of a truck, had just about enough strength to rise and celebrate his retention of the world heavyweight championship, but more than 15,000 fight fans knew how close Britain’s holder of the WBC and IBO titles had come to blowing his exalted place in boxing history.
He'd do well to listen to Sir Charles talking about Scottie Pippen.
"I don't know what he's thinking. It's not a good idea...He retired cause he couldn't play. He hasn't gotten better in the past couple years. You don't get better when you retire. You retire cause you can't play anymore. You don't get better sitting at home. You might feel better but you don't get better."
Hell he's 1-2 against Hasim Rahman. How? 1-1 in the ring and 0-1 on the set.

UPDATE: Lennox says he's not coming back. We see the bitch in you.

Blood On The Dance Floor

There are some like the Japanese and eastern Europeans who still take Michael Jackson seriously. Then there are those who take him literally like Australian rugby players.

Penrith Panthers star Craig Gower made national news in Australia after getting into a fight at a club earlier this month. At first glance, this doesn't seem newsworthy. After all, it is Australia and that's what they do when they aren't wrestling crocodiles or oppressing Aborigines.

The man punched Gower when he tried to kiss him and bit his neck after cutting in between the man and a woman on the dance floor.

The club was called the Peppermint Lounge so it's not clear why this guy was surprised when Gower made his play for the try. A witness said Gower was "really drunk and all over the place, making a dickhead of himself".

The fight was the second altercation of the evening for Gower and his friends who were allowed to stay at the club after being warned for throwing punches.

This is the first time we've heard of Gower and we're so sorry about that.
Gower...was expected to regain the club captaincy he lost last year after a wild drinking binge at a charity golf tournament on the Sunshine Coast [where] he was accused of groping the daughter of league legend Wayne Pearce.
It gets better. Gower used the charity event as part of his bachelor party. During the same weekend, he "held a butter knife to the throat of a Sydney radio personality, damaged a golf cart and walked naked around the Twin Waters Resort".

In 2000, he was kicked off the national team for exposing himself to a tourist. Your move, Pacman.

We don't know anything about the National Rugby League but if NRL players are anything like Gower, we need to start watching Australian rugby religiously.

In case you were wondering, Gower was made co-captain of the Panthers on Thursday after showing "leadership qualities" and "personal fortitude". Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oy Oy Oy!

Oink Vey

That was Robeast's reaction when we told him that Canadian bacon is going to be declared kosher if Steve Nash gets his way.

Nash has expressed interest in forming a consortium to buy Tottenham Hotspur if current owners ENIC decide to sell.
If someone were to come in to buy Spurs, I would like to be involved and partner them...Obviously, it would have to make sense for all parties, but, as a fan, it appears to me that Spurs are quite profitable and Premiership football teams are obviously becoming a popular investment for businessmen from all over the world.
The Deuce fully supports the idea of Nash buying Spurs. It also got us thinking about what team Pacman Jones would buy if he decided to make it rain in soccer. It's obvious that Pacman should buy Obilic of Yugoslavia then move to buy Craig Bellamy, Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer, and Kieron Dyer. Obilic used to be owned by Serbian paramilitary leader, Arkan. Franklin Foer, in his book How Football Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization, claimed that Arkan
Threatened players on opposing teams if they scored against his team. This threat was underlined by the thousands of veterans from his army that filled their home ground, chanting threats, and on occasion pointing pistols at opposition players during matches. One player told the British football magazine Four-Four-Two that he was locked in a garage when his team played Obilić. The Union of European Football Associations prohibited Obilić from participation in Europe because of its connections.
His wife, Ceca is still president and oh yeah, can't get a visa from the US, Canada and Australia. Obilic and Pacman are a match made in heaven.

Friday, February 23, 2007

If The Wizards Were G.I. Joes Part I

In a new series on The Deuce, we are attempting to meld memories from our childhood and adulthood (sorta?) with something we love from both. Our new feature is "What if the Wizards were G.I. Joes?" Now, we don't have the budget to make our own action figures, but you'd better believe they'd kick ass with their swivel arm grip. Instead, we offer you your own G.I. Joe style Wizards File Card. Kicking off the inaugural file card in the series we offer you Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas. Collect them all!

Edit: The Deuce realizes now Hibachi was misspelled...this is what you get when working at 2am with a graphics program that has no spellcheck. I will commit seppuku now and fix this error later. The Deuce also knows that last sentence doesn't make any sense. Forgiveness please.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


There is another chance for the NFL to do what is right and allow Rock, Paper, Scissors ("RPS") to be incorporated into the league. As ESPN's John Clayton has reported:

"The deadlock between the Browns and Buccaneers for the third pick in the draft will be settled this week by a coin toss. Each team finished 4-12 and played a 137-119 schedule, so because draft position ties are given to the team with the easier schedule, the league has to go to the coin. This is important because the third pick will be a huge one."

Such a "huge" pick in the draft should not be left up to the statistically flawed, random dumb luck of a coin toss. RPS is the only solution. The Deuce has mentioned before how RPS & The NFL should be brought together and this is another instance of how an event of great significance (high draft position) should not be left up to dumb luck.

Its a wonder that the USARPS League has not picked up on this and started another petition? Perhaps none in the organization are Browns or Buccaneers fans because the loser of the coin-toss should be outraged.

Why have a coin decide when a battle of the mind & skill could solve it all? Plus, we'll say it again, their spokesmodels are hot!

Schotty's Paw

It isn't the Deuce's place or desire to get involved in presidential politics. We support nor reject any candidate unless they step up Kennedy-style and pay us for our votes. We only remark on this story because it involves the implicit endorsement of a former NFL head coach and the endorsement's horrible consequences.

Rudy Giuliani is seeking advice from the FEC regarding speaking fees. Fees from recent Giuliani speaking engagements have come under fire. One of the speeches came on the 14th in San Diego. The Washington Post reported that one of the undercard participants for the San Diego speech was none other than coaching genius Marty Schottenheimer. If there's one guy who knows about winning the big one, it's good ol' Schotty.

Stupid, stupid Rudy. He might as well return all his campaign contributions. He's sealed his fate. He'll win the Republican nomination and lose the general election. Doesn't he know Marty will get you to the playoffs and then choke away the big one? Clearly he knows nothing about Martyball or football. Any person who knows nothing about football shouldn't be president.

It's rumored that Jerry Glanville will quit as Hawaii head coach and join the Rudy's campaign as a senior advisor. We can't wait until Rick Kotite and Wayne Fontes show up to campaign for Rudy during the New Hampshire and Iowa primaries.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

That Shit Just Be Callin' Me, Man

Scottie must be on the rock 'cause he's talking crazy and not making any sense. It's not going to be long before someone sees him running down a west Chicago street trying to steal a Christmas turkey.

Scottie turned up in Vegas this past weekend to declare his intent to return to the NBA as well as help stink up the joint during the non-sensical old timers, current timers, WNBA skills competition.

I see you, David Stern. You keep trying to sneak the WNBA in there like we're not going to notice. Fuck you for that.

Harvey Araton of the New York Times asked Scottie whether he felt that he received proper credit for the six championships won by the Bulls.
“I think people love me as much as they love Michael, the fans who understand the game,” Pippen said. “The G.M.’s, the coaches — I think they’d rather have a Scottie than a Michael.”

Sympathetic as I’ve always been to Pippen, it was all I could do not to gag on the why.

“Because I’m an all-around player,” he said. “I make people around me better.”

There was no word whether Stern would banish Pippen, as he did Hardaway, if only on grounds of basketball heresy.
Rather have a Scottie than a Michael? Scottie's as high as Pookie in the Enterprise Room. If he keeps this up, Michael might have to make him sit his five-dollar ass down so he can make change.

Sir Charles has always thought well of No Tippin' Pippen.
"Last year he came to Houston and had career lows in just about every statistical category and everybody said he (was horrible). Now all of his numbers are even lower and people are saying how great he is. He is the same player."
We can't wait until Phil calls a play for Kwame Brown in the playoffs and Scottie takes himself out of the game.

Pac-Man Jones: All Eyez On Him

Pacman Jones is being looked into for his possible involvement with a shooting in Las Vegas over the NBA All-Star weekend. Apparently, Sports by Brooks says, Pac rolled up to a strip club called Minxx with a GLAD BAG full of $1 bills, which the Deuce is apt to do anytime we roll up to Camelot or Scores. He then apparently was throwing dollar bills into the air and at strippers and "making it rain" around them. Hey, we can understand this course of action, gotta make 'dem ho's work for that green! Strippers then started fighting for the money, as strippers are apt to do we hear, and the owner shut the lights off to stop the fighting...which then lead to anarchy.

As we all know, when the lights go off in a strip club, its time to shoot some fucking guns off. Its a time honored tradition in fact. Unfortunately, this time, 3 people got injured in the rukus...critically. Whoops, not good.

Pacman is no stranger to brushes with the law, and there is no real evidence at this point showing that he did anything more than attempt to put a few "lovely" ladies through college one dollar bill at a time, but his association with those who may be the actual shooters has labeled Pac as "a person of interest" with made the Las Vegas Police want to question him. The Titans are hoping and praying he is more Ray Lewis than Rae Carruth in this matter, for his sake and theirs.

In light of these new events, the Deuce thinks its high time for Adam Jones to rethink his nickname. No longer should he be named Pacman. He should be Adam "2pacman" Jones. Yeahee-YEAHEE!

No man with this many brushes with the law involving massive amounts of drugs and ammunition should be stuck with the weak-ass name of some yellow mouth running from ghosts. 2Pacman don't fuckin' play no games! 2Pacman eats bullets not dots! 2pacman runs from cops and ho's not fuckin' fake-ass ghosts! Believe that!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Baseball In Full Swing!

Spring Training is just starting but baseball is kicking off the season with a ton news and "news" for the season.

- Griffey admits he broke his hand playing with kids. This is great news, because the Deuce thought he was actually starting to actually like being on the DL and injuring himself on purpose like a Vietnam war draft-dodger so he wouldn't ever have to play again. We will say it again, guaranteed money has NOT HURT THE GAME!

- A-Rod and Jeter really do not like each other...A-rod says so. A-rod seems upset that Jeter no longer sleeps over at his place most nights out of the week. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over." Just...a...little...weird... Anyway, the real story, not reported though, is the whole feud started is because Jeter was creeped out when during the last sleep-over A-rod offered him some "Jesus Juice" while they were watching gladiator movies.- Steinbrenner's successor was arrested for DUI over the weekend. He is married to Steinbrenner's daughter...if she is anything like her father, you can probably cut him some slack.

- New Rule Changes for MLB were just announced. Among the ones the Deuce found most interesting:
  • Players caught scuffing or defacing a baseball would be ejected and get an automatic 10-game suspension. Little late to the party on this one? This is one of those, if it ain't broke, don't fix it rules. Baseball has been fine with pitchers cheating and umps letting them cheat for over a hundred years. Give the umps a little discretion please!

  • In a rule that makes no sense whatsoever, a player may no longer step into a dugout to catch a foul ball but is allowed to reach into a dugout. Once the greatest measure of how bad a player "wants it!" now, taken away by the front office pansies.

  • A batter cannot run to first on a dropped third strike if he leaves the dirt circle around home plate unless he does so while trying to reach first base. This is no fun at all, one of the funniest things in baseball is a player who, while walking towards his own dugout, realizes the catcher didn't catch the ball and then start running towards 1st base. Shame, this Baseball folly footage will no longer be created.

  • With no runners on, a pitcher will be required to pitch within 12 seconds, the timing starting when the pitcher is in possession of the ball and the batter is in the batter's box, alert to the pitcher. Who is timing this exactly? Is baseball now going to get a 12 second clock like basketball's 24 sec or football's 35 sec one?

  • Pitchers may wear a multicolored glove if the umpire determines it isn't umpires are allowed to be fashion consultants. Why not get Heidi Klum out there when a pitcher takes the mound to inspect the glove. She can say "AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!" to any glove deemed not worthy.

- Interesting paper written on the tradeoff between Home Run rate and Contact rate. Nothing funny here, just good, sound, math.

- Not to leave my hometown Nationals out of this piece, Cristian Guzman thinks he can do much better than he's done the past two seasons. That shouldn't be hard to do considering he didn't play at all last year and batted a mighty .219 the previous season. I think he should try playing drunk, always helped me out in co-ed rec league softball. Also, we've signed many a retread for our open pitching auditions and back-up fielding positions. Amazingly, Ryan Zimmerman thinks the Nationals can be at least as good as last year. You've got to love youthful optimism but come on, this kid ain't too smart for going to the University of Virginia. In any case, GO NATS!

Ain't baseball grand?


Pau Gasol appears to be proof the dead are walking amongst us and kickin' ass playin' basketball. Look at poor Amare trying to guard the zombie there. He doesnt wanna get bit by him so he's pretty much conceding the layup to Pau "The Zombie" Gasol. The look on Amare's face is that of pure fear kids, just like when you were in high school getting called to the chalkboard with a raging hard on and the hot French teacher waiting for you to get up. Pure, unadulterated, fear.

Joe Murphy/NBAE via Getty Images

How does it feel to know that a zombie is making more money than you? Probably the same the same feeling you get when you find out a caveman has a sweeter pad than you.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Now This Is A Nice Idea

Eat a fat one, Zack Attack. Kasey Kasem has no idea what he's talkin' 'bout. I can't even begin to get my mind around this brilliance. It's so much bigger than you or me but not Mr. Belding. Damn, he done blew up.

I lost $2M on a bet that Romo would fumble the mike.

Source: WBRS Sports Blog --> Deadspin --> With Leather

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Good dags. D'ya Like Dags?

Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like free beer more.

That's the only way anyone would get me to go to a dog show. My friend's girlfriend figured that out (not like I was hiding the fact) and got the two of us go with her to the Garden to see the Westminster Dog Show tonight. Part of me was horribly ashamed and I wanted to cut my balls off like a German cannibal but there was free beer involved and I wanted to be around for that.

We met up at the Garden and wouldn't you know that my first time in a MSG skybox would be at a dog show surrounded by a bunch of corporate assclowns who are actually interested in being there to see the dogs. Needless to say, my friend and I went straight for the fridge to see what wonders lay behind the door. Bud, Coors Light and Heineken? Oh yeah, free. Let the binging commence.

I was hoping to get drunk enough to block out the horrible old lady perfume smell that permeated the entire arena. I think it was Duane Reade Octogenarian. It was like tear gas combined with essence of urinal puck.

The night started with the national anthem. Luckily I was buying some overpriced food with the commoners. I don't care what you think but I'll be damned if I'm standing for the anthem at a dog show. The terrorists can have this round. I think I'll play the national anthem before I take my next shit. That should show the terrorists that I'm not giving up without a fight. Stand tall, brave terriers.

I'm not sure what the hell these things are but they're advertised all over the concourses. A hot dog in sauerkraut? Hopefully it's a hot dog in Crisco. If that's the best thing that's happened to a hot dog, I'll take on Paris Hilton rawdog Valtrex be damned...Please God don't let me be wrong.

After working our way back to the box and realizing that I was the only dark person in the building who didn't work there except for the flaming guy in a white suit who had the Neopolitan Mastiff, the dog-off began. It quickly became apparent that there would be no feats of strength or jousting.

Here's a sampling of the working and terrier group dogs seen along with the announcers description and my interpretation where necessary. Clearly I didn't get drunk fast enough.

Anatolian Shepard Dog #10 - Someone booed the dog. Who boos a dog?

Black Russian Terrier #16 - " Great companion when trained but not right for first time owner". Typical commie.

Bullmastiff #22 - "Tame mastiff with ferocious bulldog" I'll say. Davey Boy was a beast especially when tagged up with the Dynamite Kid.

German Pinscher - Primarily a guard dog. Nazi.

Great Pyrenees #11 - The royal dogs for Louis XIV. "Loyal, dignified." Apparently I don't know what dignity is. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve sniffing other people's asses and eating my own shit.

Kuvaszok #7: At one point they guarded royalty but were demoted to guarding liverstock. "Fears nothing, bulky without being lethargic" Sounds like my dick...or the way I wish it was. Wait did I just say or think that?

Neopolitan Mastiff #9 - "Estate guard dog of Italy." So that means it's easily paid off for doing nothing. What you look at? Ciao!

Portutguese Water Dog #34 - "Requires owner of equal stamina to pl...." This is bullshit. I refuse to accept there's an animal called a Portuguese Water Dog.

Dandie Dinmont Terrier #5 - The name says it all. Super, thanks for asking!

Lakeland Terrier #8 - "Gay little dog." Show me one here that isn't.

Norfolk Terrier #12 - From parts unknown. Like Mr. X. Nice.

There was a break between the Working and Terrier groups that gave me time to seriously consider throwing myself from the skybox or off the 59th Street Bridge. Fortunately they thought it would be time for an inspirational speech from Rob Leibowitz, VP of Marketing for Pedigree. "It's great to celebrate the best pure bred dogs but while we're here, let's remember the less fortunate, the ones in shelters." I could only assume the less fortunate were the mixed breed dogs in cages. I was at a fucking Nazi rally. How could you, Leibowitz? It didn't stop there. "Pedigree doesn't accept homeless dogs." I can only assume they cook and use them to feed the pure breeds who they hope will soon take over.

Rob's rally speech was followed by a MONTAGE on the Jumbotron dedicated to a fallen trainer. Annie was a hero like a 9/11 responder. There was a hilarious moment during an imposed moment of silence. The whole arena darkened and went quiet....except for a tv in a nearby box that was blasting this week's episode of 24. "Beep, beep, the following takes place between..." Oh now I'm the asshole because I laughed at Annie's tribute.

Ewoks! "If they start singing that Ewok song, I'll start punching myself in the nuts until I pass out. Oh they're just terriers. Damn I already started." Luckily the girlfriend had enough and we were able to get out of there before sitting through any more groups. As we left the box, an arena worker passed and just stared me down with a look of disgust which I deserved. Someone asked me to clean up a spill in another skybox. I did it because it was the only way I could redeem myself and hide my shame.

Can Arrington Come Home?

Lavar Arrington was cut today by the New York Giants. With the NFL season over it is the winter of rumor and baseless speculation. My contribution is not what the heck is going on in San Diego with the firing of Schotty, it is not how long Andy Reid will be gone taking care of his crackhead kids, no, my baseless speculation is where will Lavar go?

Is it possible that Lavar can come home to Washington? Probably not a snowball's chance in hades in reality, but the Redskins need a linebacker and a cheap one since our salary levels are the highest in the league. Lavar will certainly be cheap after three consecutive injury plagued seasons, you can bet on that. So that is the good news. However, there are two, rather obvious, problems:

1) Did Dan Snyder, Joe Gibbs and particularly Gregg Williams burn the bridge down then terra-form the land so that no bridge was ever there to speak of in the first place in their relationship with Lavar? Translated, will Lavar want to play for the team that drafted him in his adopted home city (he still lives in the area) with his history of clashes with all three of the men in charge of the team and will they want him on their team at all anyway? He pretty much hasn't forgiven the Redskins coaches at all for their benching and mud dragging they did of his name...can he forgive and forget? Can they?

2) Will Lavar ever really be healthy again? When healthy, Lavar is a head case, but a sensitive and generally happy one who can be productive and make the occasional spectacular play along with the occasional boneheaded one. When injured, he is a head case and a surly, unproductive one.

His last good statistical season was in 2003, also his last fully healthy one. In 2004 he was limited to 2 games due to injuries, was supposedly still hurt in 2005 while fighting with coaches over playing time due to a supposed "lack of knowledge" with the playbook , with staff over how injuries were handled and disclosed and the owner because of a missing 6.5 million in his contract, leaving him playing in 12 games and averaging about 2 less tackles (about 4 tackles/g) a game while playing. In 2006, he was on a new team, playing sparingly until he blew out his Achilles and was gone again.

Do the Redskins need him? Well, honestly, can he be any worse than the linebackers that they had last year? Warrick Holdman was marginally better than Lavar, averaging about 5 tackles a game, and Rocky McIntosh and Khary Campbell were non existent. You coulda put Lavar Burton out there and he probably could've done as well as those two stiffs.

So, we've established that Lavar is a bit of a headcase, he's a huge injury risk, he has not been productive since 2003, he is prone to mistakes when he is productive but can also make a spectacular play, and he hates the ownership that drafted him and coaching staff that got rid of him. Doesn't really look good for Lavar rejoining the team...except for one thing...

The fans of the Washington Redskins love Lavar Arrington! The area would love to have Lavar back, I know I would. Its not often that Washington DC accepts and welcomes an athlete into the city since most come here past their primes and/or only for a paycheck (see: Michael Jordan, Deion Sanders, etc.). I mean, it took three years for Agent Zero to be accepted and Clinton Portis had to dress up in costumes to get the respect he deserves here.

If bygones could be bygones and Lavar could accept a minimum contract that is full of incentives and if ownership would for ONCE listen to their fans, Lavar could come home and at worst be the personal punt protector like Adam Archuletta last year. Bring Lavar home i say!

I mean, his face still adorns the Easterns Motors commercial that broadcasts all over the Washington/Baltimore area for cryin' out loud! We need him back for this reason alone. I want more commercials like this!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Chelsea Link-up With DC United

How's Salt Lake treating you, Freddy? It must suck being the only black guy in Utah besides Karl Malone and Carlos Boozer. Hope that magic underwear keeps you warm.

In what has to be a bitter pill, DC United and Chelsea are in link-up talks. According to Tribal Football in addition to the Mail, DC United officials are engaged in talks in London over a link-up which would give Chelsea access to college players in addition to increased access to the US and a lesson in American PR which they desperately need if their past two US tours are anything to go by.

Mustafa followed Chelsea on their east coast tour two years ago and saw them play in Philadelphia, Foxboro, New York and DC. Nothing was better than seeing the look of confusion and/or fear on Freddy's face as we chanted "You'll never play for Chelsea" and "Chelsea reject" as he collected a ball out of bounds during the match at FedEx.

The Deuce thinks links between the two clubs could pay off for DC in terms of publicity and possible chances for players to train under Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho or (more likely) in the Chelsea reserves. Who knows? Maybe we could get an old, beat-up Frank Lampard or John Terry to finish their playing days in Anacostia. Who wouldn't love that?

How 'Bout A Nice Hawaiian Punch?

"Mr. President, call in the National Guard! Send as many men as you can spare! Because we are killing the punter! He needs emergency help!"

Too bad Sean Taylor only tries this hard in meaningless games and when he's trying to beat someone's ass off the field.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Be Concerned About The Turtle

It's not time to fear the turtle yet but we'll definitely give Murland credit for beating Duke. Hopefully this will spark a turnaround that'll put them in the tournament so they can lose to Albany in the first round. It's just a shame that self-educated rapper Cluck-U-Pac wasn't around to freestyle about how DJ Strawberry and the other seniors took over and helped Duke to their 4th defeat in a row. Just hope Dick Vitale doesn't put out his good eye in suicidal fit of frustration and agony at Duke's tailspin.

Brendan and Etan Like Bloods and Crips

Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas fought again in practice. In such a generally happy locker room, its rough that these two keep fighting and disturbing the peace. Did the fight have something to do with the EGG the Wizards laid against the Trailblazers? Probably, well that and the fact that Antwan wasn't there.

We did however find a bit of Etan's poetry in a trashcan outside the Verizon Center dispalying his emotions from his 2nd scuffle with Brendan.
"Me dont like Brendan
Brendan cheap shot me.
Me mad!
Me stronger but
Me lose minutes because,
Me cannot stay healthy
Me mad
Me fight back!
Me choke the bitch!!
Me get suspended?
Me mad!!
Me just want to win
Me and Brendan be ok soon but
Me mad!!!!"
Deep thoughts indeed. We couldnt get video of the fight since the Wizards' practices are closed to the likes of us, but we think it went something like this

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Two Dope Boyz In A Cadillac

Zags like smokin' that tweed. Probably helps them get closer to God. At least that's what I'd tell Gonzaga head coach Mark Few if I got busted for possession of weed and shrooms. Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis didn't use that excuse and now Few is reportedly "shocked and disappointed" with the pair.

They were picked up Friday night after being pulled over after the police noticed their tail lights weren't working. The officers smelled the tweed and searched the car.
"It was close to midnight. They needed to have their lights on," Campbell said.
If this was a real college town, they would have taped flashlights to the hood or given them a police escort back to their place.

Here's the police video from Friday night.

The search is on for the second passenger who fled the car while it was still in three wheel motion.

Photo: Maartje van Caspel

Thursday, February 8, 2007

You're Better Than England

Let's get the soccer roundup out of the way. Go here for weekend scores. The short of it: West Pork's screwed. ManUre maintainted their lead at the top by beating Charlton 2-0. Chelsea remain six points back after a 3-0 win against Middlesborough. Hilarity of the weekend: Sheffield United 2 - Spurs 1.

Yo' Mama Ain't Got Nuthin' To Do With Me

Newcastle United and Nigeria striker Obafemi Martins was confronted by a mob in an airport in Lagos, Nigeria after missing Nigeria's match with Ghana on Tuesday which they lost 4-1.

Martins tried to explain that he skipped the match to attend to his sick mother but the crowd wasn't having it.

...The soccer fans literally held Obafemi hostage demanding to know why he was not in London for the match.

The fans had argued that if the former Inter Milan striker had played the match, the Super Eagles would not have been disgraced.

As at the time the fans quizzed him, Nigeria were three goals down.

The visibly angry fans asked: "Why are you not playing? If you were there, you will have scored at least one goal by now and Ghana will not have that the courage to play us out."

Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi Mikel claimed he was forced to play after being pressured by the Nigerian FA and family threats. He played against orders from Chelsea doctors and manager Jose Mourinho. Mourinho was reported to have been furious and Chelsea have made complaints to FIFA.

Nigerians don't play when it comes to their soccer. Ghanians sure do. In the words of Pork-o-potamus X, "Only with Africans...Whether in Africa or Africans in London, mayhem.

I Don't Know What You Come To Do But I Come To Pray

That's all you have left if you're an England fan. They suck enough to put a Tijuana donkey show performer out of business. England's pathetic showing in their Euro 2008 qualifier loss against Spain on Wednesday once again proved that Second Choice Steve McClaren knows much more about dental hygiene than he does about soccer.

Middlesborough chairman Steve Gibson blamed Premiership clubs for his former manager McClaren's obvious lack of sense.
What chances are English footballers getting at major clubs? Steve can only work with the tools he's given. The Liverpools and the Arsenals - what are they contributing at national level?
What's Boro contributing at the national level besides mediocre football and Stewart Downing? He and Joey Barton are exactly what England needs to save its Euro 2008 campaign. I suppose Gibson doesn't remember Boro losing 7-0 to Arsenal or a fan throwing his season ticket at McClaren in disgust. I'm sure it has nothing to do with his lack of coaching sense or the FA's abidcation of its duty to run football with some level of competence.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger shot back at Gibson:
England were behind in developing players for years but they have worked hard to rectify things.

France started that in 1974. They won the European Championship in 1984 because we had an exceptional player [Michel Platini]. Then they won the World Cup in 1998 and reached the World Cup Final in 2006. That work began in 1974. It shows that the work takes 20 years.

The only thing I can say is that whenever England do not win it is always my fault, even when I am not at the game.

To put players in my team who are not good enough would not strengthen the England team but weaken the Arsenal team. I'm not at fault for England's frustrations.
England is now third in their group behind Russia and Croatia with an upcoming match on March 24 against Israel. If they lose, they're pretty much done. There will be a bunch of hand-wringing and moaning and then they'll pick another incompetent English manager to make sure they don't qualify for the World Cup in 2010.

Lassana Diarra Has Two Fathers

It's great to see such an open-minded team.

Arsenal Finds More Young Boys For Wenger

Arsenal has linked up with the Colorado Rapids in an effort to expand their brand in the US and search for young talent. Wenger stated that the Arsenal board informed him the link was not a precursor to a club takeover. He did not deny that he was planning slumber parties for Rapids players at his home.

Changes Afoot At Liverpool

Liverpool's new American owners have already started the changes at Anfield by introducing a new crest which better symbolizes the true nature of the club and its fans.

If You Want Beef Then Bring The Ruckus

QPR ain't nuthing ta fuck wit. A closed friendly match between QPR and the Chinese national team had to be abandoned after a massive brawl broke out involving all 22 players, subs and coaching staff.

According to Vital Football, QPR changed the location of the match from Loftus Road to their training ground. Fans are convinced that the club didn't want them to know about the match. A witness told the Ealing Gazette, "I've never seen anything like it in my life. There were punches, kung-fu kicks and all sorts. It was absolute mayhem."

The witness also claimed the Chinese manager "...flipped back, got into a fighting position. The tiger style, the shit was wild. He threw his hands in the air and smiled."

Maybe he didn't do that but they did jet in the jet to the hospital after a Chinese player, Zheng Tao was knocked unconscious and suffered a broken jaw. Two other players suffered "flesh wounds".

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

I Don't Eat No Ham And Eggs

Yo Todd, do you eat em? Nuh uh, not at all. "I ain't scared of you country bumpkins. I want back!"

Welcome back, Todd Bozeman. It may be early in Boze's second life but we've been able to figure a few things about the new coach. He does a terrible Bernie Mac impression and he idolizes Ike Turner and David Justice. He also doesn't like ham sandwiches.

Nothing says Morgan State more than a tight marching band, a homecoming brawl, a losing basketball team or beating restaurant managers like Jason Kidd on Juwanna...Jumanji, whatever. Ask Bob Ryan for the right spelling. He loves her.

Maybe the Boze was trying to keep it halal. No trichinosis of the body or mind for the Bears.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Dan Marino Is This Era's Dan Marino

Thanks to Payton Manning finally winning the big one, Dan Marino is left as this generation's Dan Marino. Well done. Instead of a Cadillac Escalade, you get a shiny pre-owned Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon. Here's Dan's reaction upon hearing the news while on the set of Inside The NFL.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

The Case For Euthanasia

Poor Ted Johnson. It must be terrible to know that it's only a matter of months until you'll be thinking and talking like Merrill Hoge. It's probably in his best interest to warn Vince Young that he'll be sending him hate mail but he won't know what he'll be doing.

Ted should just enjoy his remaining years. The onset of early Alzheimer's (also known as Merrill Hoge syndrome) will still allow him to be a productive member of society. In several years, his condition should advance to the point where he'll be able to join the CBS pregame show team.