Thursday, January 28, 2010
All y'all fake motherfuckers up in the joint, huh? Stealin Andy's light, huh? Watch him, duke, watch him. Tim Henman ain't got nuthin' on Scotland. Witness more street knowledge from Murray after the jump.
I love the "ugh" at the very end. Fitting.
10. Madison Bumgarner - I envision this guy to look like on of the old guys from Trading Places. I know he PROBABLY doesn't. But it'd be great to have a kid coming up that looks like a 50 year old rich white man. Just with that name he could sit right beside Randolph and Mortimer with a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in another. "Looking good Madison!" "Feeling Good, Louis!"
22. Starlin Castro - I've never been more divided about a name ever. Castro is always badass since he shares the last name with a ruthless dictator. On the other hand, Starlin is sort of a cross between a fish and a luminous ball of plasma. No idea how your parents think that is a good idea. Maybe its a family name. Or maybe they're just a fan of comic books.
30. Yonder Alonso - If ever a name cried out for a new version of the classic "Who's on First" sketch it could be Yonder.
"I didn't ask where, I asked who!"
/punch in face
50. Jaff Decker - Jaff just sounds like a name out of Star Wars or something. Like Dack was or Wedge or Biggs...basically he sounds like an X-Wing pilot and that, in and of itself, is AWESOME. He has a lot to live up to.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I don't even know if the Super Bowl can come close to this weekend. You had an overtime game, you had parts of games that were defensive masterpieces, you had parts of games that were offensive explosions, you had untimely pentalties, you had untimely turnovers, you had untimely fumbles and dropped interceptions that weren't turnovers but should have been, you had challenges, booth reviews, and you had Brett Favre getting beat into the ground and looking like the old man that he is. The Saints win and the Colts win. Fun times.
This is what the NFL playoffs should be about. The previous Wild Card and Divisional games that preceeded this weekend of AFC and NFC Championships really cannot even compare. For both these games, you had two relatively evenly matched oppenents facing off their strength vs the other teams strength in a battle for the ultimate conquest...a chance at the Lombardi Trophy. The Jets' suffocating defense versus the robotically efficient Colts' offense. MATCHUP! The Vikings' high flying offense and intense defense versus the Saints' even more high flying offense and even more intense defense. MATCHUP!
Sorry to sound like an NFL fanboy but I was in heaven watching these games. If parity rules in the NFL then I hope every weekend is like this. Now, we have the Saints in their very first Super Bowl appearance versus the Colts.
The Colts are an extremely efficient offense that thrives on not making any mistakes with their precise attack and they are going against a defense that thrives on forcing their opponents into making mistakes. The Saints offense isn't as efficient but their firepower makes up for it in that they have so many weapons to get the balls into the hands of, not to mention a quarterback that can put the ball into the hands of the playmakers when they are open. The Colts' defense is solid, but will certainly have trouble matching up against the numerous options the Saints have.
This might be a Super Bowl I am genuinely excited about for the first time in a long time. Two high powered offenses against two generally decent defenses makes for a pretty evenly matched game with plenty of fireworks. Hooray for the NFL, David Stern couldn't have planned for a better championship game.
(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Panthers vs. Steelers? That sounds like an overrated Thursday Night Football game. If anyone sees a player with an XXXL jersey missing punches, let us know so we can dub him Sir Delhomme.
It was "Hear Come The Judge" time in Clark County as Tim Lincecum appeared to face marijuana possession charges. He managed to get off with a reduced drug paraphernalia charge and a $513 fine in addition to previously paid fines.
"I'll try not to let this happen again," Lincecum said, standing just a few feet in front of the judge in the cramped courtroom. "I just want to move forward and continue my life."
At that, Lincecum's attorney, Gary Metro, jumped in to profusely thank the judge for his handling of the case.I'll try to try my best on this one but I can't promise anything. That's the spirit! It would probably help if Lincecum didn't show up in court looking strung out. Scott Weiland salutes his vigor.
Jenni Lee says he already has the teeth for it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
"The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls," one Weight Watchers participant told the Smålandsposten newspaper.A freaking fatquake! If this happened here in the states you know there would've been all sorts of news coverage on this and how fat our nation has become as a whole. In reality, it probably was more of a structural problem than a weight problem, floors really shouldnt do that generally. But still, this event did allow me to create the term Fatquake and for that I am happy.
Soon, the fault lines spread around the room, and other sections of the floor gave way.
From Telegraph UK
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Herschel Walker is one bad dude. He won the Heisman Trophy in college, was an USFL and NFL all-pro, a member of the US Olympic Bobsled Team, a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do and now, at 47 years old he apparently is just getting started. Walker is set to fight Greg Nagy in a STRIKEFORCE MMA bout on Jan. 30 at the Florida Panthers' arena.
I mean if ex-athlete can do it, certainly he can do it, right? This guy was and, from some hardly independent doctor's accounts, still is a physical freak. Who knows, Herschel could be the next Kimbo Slice like MMA phenomenon if he is any good. Certainly he's got more skills than Slice since he is a 5th degree black belt. This might be enough to get even more eyes on the ever growing MMA sport.
No odds are posted for this fight that I could find, but we'll keep you updated on that...well probably not, we're not too good on following up stories here. In any case, I have to imagine that Walker is the favorite, Nagy's overall record is just 1-1 and he is a virtual unknown in the MMA world. This has to be a setup.
There's probably somewhere in the neighborhood of one million different jokes that I can make here about A-Rod's balls, but no, I am going above the low brow humor that I normally use and just giving it to you straight. You can soon purchase Alex Rodriguez's 500th home run ball which he hit in old Yankee Stadium on Aug. 4, 2007.
So, you too can be a part of history and pay a ton of money for a ball, hit by a guy, who admitted he once used performance enhancing drugs to help hit balls. Awesome. Ask Todd McFarlane how buying home run balls has worked for him lately? Yea, he's the wisenheimer who bought Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball for 3 million dollars. BRILLIANT!
From The Globe and Mail
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
New York Jets at CINCINNATI -2.5
The Bengals know they are going to win this game and they will. The young "Sanchize" shouldn't be much of a factor here as rookie quarterbacks with questionable receiving corps. generally do not do well in the playoffs. The Jets D might be able to keep this close for awhile, since the Bengals only have one receiving threat themselves, but I expect the Bengals to easily win this game by well more than a field goal. Take the Bengals.
PHILADELPHIA +4 at Dallas
The Eagles got destroyed last time they faced the Cowboys, getting shut out 24-0. The first time they faced the Cowboys, they lost 16-20 at home. So why am I picking the Eagles this week? Simple! I hate the Cowboys. Also there is no way an NFC East team beats another NFC East team 3 times in a row. Its got to be some sort of statistical fact that this never happens. Like ever. Unless it has, then its almost never. Take the Eagles, at the very worst, they will probably cover, at best, they win outright.
BALTIMORE +3.5 at New England
Picking against the Patriots, at home, in the playoffs should be suicide for you bank account. This year, I do not think it is. I think the loss of Welker is going to really hurt their offensive attack which was hardly as dynamic as it has been in past years. Some people in Baltimore still say they would've beaten the Patriots in the regular season if it werent for all those phantom roughing the passer penalties on them. I'm all about the road dogs this week apparently.
GREEN BAY +1 at Arizona
The Cardinals were in the Super Bowl last season and they are only favored by 1 point here? Ohhh, maybe its because Kurt Warner has no healthy bodies to throw the ball to and is depending on a couple of backs dealing with a little case of fumbleitis. Meanwhile Green Bay can score on anyone but they have supreme difficulty in stopping anyone. Luckily, in this game, they shouldnt have to do much to stop the Cards. Take the Pack. Road dogs rule!
*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's the end of the season for most NFL players and you know what that means. More time for NFL players to get in trouble with the groupies. There's nothing women love more than dating tips from married men especially married, rich men who aren't going to "date" them. Cosmo asked 10 of the "hottest NFL stars out there" about their dating preferences and pet peeves. That's great but not applicable. Sorry, ladies. Most of you aren't going to land a Tony Gonzalez despite what your magazines tell you. And no he's really not listening. Don't put your head in your salad. The Deuce is here to help you. We went out and found out what real NFL players want and don't want from women.
JaMarcus Russell: I like a woman that makes me another pork pot pie while I'm eating the first one. I also like a woman that smells like bacon. If you look like food, I got time.
Darnell Dockett: You gotta be down with the Dutch Oven. They don't call me Fart Box for nothing.
Pat Patriot: I need a wicked pissah of a woman who knows what to do when I drop into the three point stance. Steely Dan style if you know what I mean. Don't worry, I got small bills in case you gotta make change. Me and Welkah get them nice Warwick girls. Down for whatevah and no questions. No dahkies unless they look like Crispus Attucks.
Ray Lewis: What time is it?? Gametime!!! Woo!!! This what I come to do today!!
Kyle Boller: Well I like a woman that's nice and spe... (phone drops and hangs up)
Tony Romo: Can you sing? No? Good. Can you chew and think at the same time? No? Good. Do you have a problem with me not being able to finish the job? No? Good.
Michael Vick: I only rock one position. I'm like Black Sheep, honey. I drop the ney like when you drop to your knees! Woof woof, babygirl!! Grrr!!
Hopefully you ladies have a little more insight into the minds of NFL players. We wish we could do more for you but as Oran "Juice" Jones says, we can't give you nuthin' but advice cause you're still young. In the words of Dave Chappelle, "Get out there and be somebody!"
There's nothing like going to a Mexican restaurant after a long night. You know you're going to get your eat on and pay for it the next day but you don't care. That's great but the best thing is that it doesn't matter how drunk you are when you walk through the door. Someone will be drunker than you. If you're in Novi, MI, you can bet the drunkest guy in the cantina will be ex-Detroit Lion Charles Rogers.
Rogers was arrested after getting drunk and passing out in a Mexican restaurant. Quentin Tarantino would categorize him as a Mexicant. The former wide receiver has been in a sobriety court program since pleading guilty to driving impaired in September.
There isn't any video footage from the incident but we imagine it went down a little something like this:
Video courtesy of Dallas Examiner.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Mayweather's sparring partner may be a bitch but backing out of the March fight against Pacquiao will make him the king of all bitches. "King me!!" Get it done already.
Video courtesy of TMZ.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Amazingly enough, you can also now be a fan of hers on Facebook here. Oh let the photoshops and animated gifs begin!! Instant internet meme! MAWR COWBELL!!
Oh, and just in case you don't think we know, she is blind, but we at the Deuce do not discriminate against people with handicaps. We consider them handicapable and thus, will not exclude them from our ridicule just as we do not exclude any other person for any other reason. That'd be like telling us not to make fun of Travis Henry because its not his fault he's stupid.
Thats right, because vultures always seem to know when an animal is gonna drop dead, some people believe that if you smoke their brain, you receive their precognitive powers. How do you go about doing this? Well first, you must capture a vulture alive, then remove the head while it is still living so the "brain does not flow down into the spinal cord", next remove the brain from the skull, let it dry, then roll it into a cigarette and smoke the brain, inhaling it deeply within your lungs...receiving all that crazy vulture insight all up in your shit.
Just remember kids, when smoking vulture brains you puff puff give, puff puff give! Don't be fuckin' up the rotation! Hank Goldberg would shoot your ass if you were pullin that shit with his vulture brains! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!
From Guardian UK
But hey, what if he MEANT to have this as his major? If this is the case, then play on playa. Finally, a college major that means something! Life skills that you can actually use instead of something wholly abstract like say philosophy. The Deuce is fully behind Jeron Johnson in his mastery of cummunication. Dear God, can you even imagine what the finals would be like? I can. Skeet skeet skeet...For the rest of his playing career, this kid should be referred to as the Cummunicator and only the Cummunicator from this point forward.