Thursday, January 28, 2010

Andy Murray's Rappin's Like Ziti

Andy Murray rapping over a Ghostface Killah sample? Hell yes. He may not flow like Ghost but he makes way more sense.

All y'all fake motherfuckers up in the joint, huh? Stealin Andy's light, huh? Watch him, duke, watch him. Tim Henman ain't got nuthin' on Scotland. Witness more street knowledge from Murray after the jump.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Didn't Quite Think This One Through

I love the "ugh" at the very end. Fitting.

The 110,428 Calorie Stadium

So...many...heart attacks!

Amazing isnt it?  This is's Snack Stadium II.  I only hope I can create something a tenth of this size for the Super Bowl this year.  Just so delicious!!  Check out LA Weekly for the whole story and TONS more pictures of this tasty structure.

Best Names In Top 50 MLB Prospects just put out their top 50 prospects list and well collected it is.  I'm psyched the Nationals have 2 people on it, for realz son!  Whenever i look at lists of players like this though, i can't help but poke a little fun at some of this year's new crop of possible MLB superstars names.  Juvenile?  For sure.  Bad habit?  Yup.    Lets look at a few guys that should be the number one prospects in our hearts, if only from their names.

10. Madison Bumgarner - I envision this guy to look like on of the old guys from Trading Places. I know he PROBABLY doesn't. But it'd be great to have a kid coming up that looks like a 50 year old rich white man. Just with that name he could sit right beside Randolph and Mortimer with a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in another. "Looking good Madison!" "Feeling Good, Louis!"

11. Carlos Santana - His walking to the plate music has GOT to be "Oye Como Va" since it loosely translates to "Check this out", like "Check out this home run I'm about to blast". When he hits a home run, i will expect Karl Ravech to shout out "ABRAXIS!!" on Baseball Tonight, even though I haven't watched that show since the MLB Network came into existence. This kid has about a million nicknames built into his name being shared with the esteemed guitarist. Personally, I think he should be called "Jugando" after the track on Santana's album "Moonflower". Not only the final part to a badass 3 part medley, it also means "at play". Apropos no?

22. Starlin Castro - I've never been more divided about a name ever. Castro is always badass since he shares the last name with a ruthless dictator. On the other hand, Starlin is sort of a cross between a fish and a luminous ball of plasma. No idea how your parents think that is a good idea. Maybe its a family name. Or maybe they're just a fan of comic books.

30. Yonder Alonso - If ever a name cried out for a new version of the classic "Who's on First" sketch it could be Yonder.
"Who's Alonso?"
"I didn't ask where, I asked who!"
/punch in face

39. Tanner Scheppers - What an odd name. It sort of sounds like an alcoholic beverage. I do not know why. Just odd. But I like it.

50. Jaff Decker - Jaff just sounds like a name out of Star Wars or something. Like Dack was or Wedge or Biggs...basically he sounds like an X-Wing pilot and that, in and of itself, is AWESOME.  He has a lot to live up to.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Best Sunday of NFL Football This Playoffs Season

This past Sunday afternoon of playoff football was by far the best 2 games of the playoffs this season. Sure, the Colts and Jets game was done after the colts took a two score lead, but before that it was pretty impressive, but the Saints/Vikings game was an ass load full of entertainment. You had Purple Jesus fumbling the ball left and right. You had Brett Favre playing like a kid, leading the league in smiles, and just gunslinging the ball into the hands of Vikings defenders, ultimately losing the game for his team. It was non stop entertainment and sure I was drunk most the time, but Goddammit, it was for my dollar the best weekend of playoff football yet.

I don't even know if the Super Bowl can come close to this weekend. You had an overtime game, you had parts of games that were defensive masterpieces, you had parts of games that were offensive explosions, you had untimely pentalties, you had untimely turnovers, you had untimely fumbles and dropped interceptions that weren't turnovers but should have been, you had challenges, booth reviews, and you had Brett Favre getting beat into the ground and looking like the old man that he is.  The Saints win and the Colts win.  Fun times.

This is what the NFL playoffs should be about. The previous Wild Card and Divisional games that preceeded this weekend of AFC and NFC Championships really cannot even compare. For both these games, you had two relatively evenly matched oppenents facing off their strength vs the other teams strength in a battle for the ultimate conquest...a chance at the Lombardi Trophy. The Jets' suffocating defense versus the robotically efficient Colts' offense. MATCHUP! The Vikings' high flying offense and intense defense versus the Saints' even more high flying offense and even more intense defense. MATCHUP!

Sorry to sound like an NFL fanboy but I was in heaven watching these games. If parity rules in the NFL then I hope every weekend is like this. Now, we have the Saints in their very first Super Bowl appearance versus the Colts.

The Colts are an extremely efficient offense that thrives on not making any mistakes with their precise attack and they are going against a defense that thrives on forcing their opponents into making mistakes. The Saints offense isn't as efficient but their firepower makes up for it in that they have so many weapons to get the balls into the hands of, not to mention a quarterback that can put the ball into the hands of the playmakers when they are open. The Colts' defense is solid, but will certainly have trouble matching up against the numerous options the Saints have.

This might be a Super Bowl I am genuinely excited about for the first time in a long time. Two high powered offenses against two generally decent defenses makes for a pretty evenly matched game with plenty of fireworks. Hooray for the NFL, David Stern couldn't have planned for a better championship game.

(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You Call That A Hockey Fight?

You've probably seen the KHL (Russia) hockey fight from a couple weeks ago. In Soviet Russia, hockey fights you! The English saw this and didn't want to be left out. After all, you can't spell hooliganism without Millwall or West Ham. Here's a full-on hockey brawl from the English hockey league. We didn't know they had one either.

Panthers vs. Steelers? That sounds like an overrated Thursday Night Football game. If anyone sees a player with an XXXL jersey missing punches, let us know so we can dub him Sir Delhomme.

Court Ain't Hard To Handle For Tim Lincecum

Chris Robinson minus the scruff and short shows up for...Wait, I mean James Iha. No, Tiny Tim

It was "Hear Come The Judge" time in Clark County as Tim Lincecum appeared to face marijuana possession charges. He managed to get off with a reduced drug paraphernalia charge and a $513 fine in addition to previously paid fines.
"I'll try not to let this happen again," Lincecum said, standing just a few feet in front of the judge in the cramped courtroom. "I just want to move forward and continue my life."
At that, Lincecum's attorney, Gary Metro, jumped in to profusely thank the judge for his handling of the case.
I'll try to try my best on this one but I can't promise anything. That's the spirit! It would probably help if Lincecum didn't show up in court looking strung out. Scott Weiland salutes his vigor.

Keith Tkachuk Takes Facial Like A P*rn Star

Keith Tkachuk shouldn't be surprised if he gets a call from a San Fernando Valley movie studio. Anyone willing to take a shot like this to the face needs to be on film.

Jenni Lee says he already has the teeth for it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Step Off Marilyn McCoo. Let T-Good Show You How It Do


Floor Collapses Underneath the Weight of Fatties

20 members of a weight watchers in Sweeden were attending a meeting at their local clinic when the unexpected occurred, the floor buckled under the weight of them. They thought it was an earthquake, but no, just a fatquake.

"The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls," one Weight Watchers participant told the Smålandsposten newspaper.
Soon, the fault lines spread around the room, and other sections of the floor gave way.
A freaking fatquake! If this happened here in the states you know there would've been all sorts of news coverage on this and how fat our nation has become as a whole. In reality, it probably was more of a structural problem than a weight problem, floors really shouldnt do that generally. But still, this event did allow me to create the term Fatquake and for that I am happy.

From Telegraph UK

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Herschel Walker MMA Fight Set To Go Down

Herschel Walker is one bad dude.  He won the Heisman Trophy in college, was an USFL and NFL all-pro, a member of the US Olympic Bobsled Team, a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do and now, at 47 years old he apparently is just getting started. Walker is set to fight Greg Nagy in a STRIKEFORCE MMA bout on Jan. 30 at the Florida Panthers' arena.

I mean if ex-athlete can do it, certainly he can do it, right? This guy was and, from some hardly independent doctor's accounts, still is a physical freak. Who knows, Herschel could be the next Kimbo Slice like MMA phenomenon if he is any good. Certainly he's got more skills than Slice since he is a 5th degree black belt. This might be enough to get even more eyes on the ever growing MMA sport.

No odds are posted for this fight that I could find, but we'll keep you updated on that...well probably not, we're not too good on following up stories here. In any case, I have to imagine that Walker is the favorite, Nagy's overall record is just 1-1 and he is a virtual unknown in the MMA world. This has to be a setup.

From Charleston Daily Mail

Buy One of A-Rod's Balls!

There's probably somewhere in the neighborhood of one million different jokes that I can make here about A-Rod's balls, but no, I am going above the low brow humor that I normally use and just giving it to you straight. You can soon purchase Alex Rodriguez's 500th home run ball which he hit in old Yankee Stadium on Aug. 4, 2007.

So, you too can be a part of history and pay a ton of money for a ball, hit by a guy, who admitted he once used performance enhancing drugs to help hit balls.  Awesome.  Ask Todd McFarlane how buying home run balls has worked for him lately?  Yea, he's the wisenheimer who bought Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball for 3 million dollars. BRILLIANT!

 From The Globe and Mail

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Random Videos of Horrific Violence: Be Careful Out There Sledders

Its winter time and there's snow on the ground, which means that its time for the time honored tradition of sledding down hills in wooden or plastic sleds by people who have no business doing so...and thus sledding accidents. I've been searchin the interwebs (or just for a few good ones and I couldnt decide which one i liked, so I'm sticking them all up there. To save front page space, i'm just going to stick the rest after the jump. If you are bored and need to get some joy out of the physical pain of others...well enjoy...sickos.

So...Should Barry Bonds Do This Now?

If you somehow missed it, yesterday, former Oakland Athletics and St. Louis Cardinals' slugger Mark McGwire announced that he used steroids off and on for 10 of years of his playing career. Interestingly enough, from my perspective, most of the press on McGwire coming out and admitting his steroid use seems to be leaning slightly on the positive side while mostly settling down in the "ho-hum, no duh, who cares" category of news. I couldn't help but think that since there has been such little backlash for McGwire coming out of the steroids closet now might just be the time for Barry Bonds to do so as well?

Perhaps since everyone's mind was already made up long ago that McGwire did use steroids, no one feels the need to demonizing the guy anymore for what he did. It seems to be almost humorous to most that he is finally coming out to admit his transgressions now and that is a lot better than what many other steroids abusers have had happen to them. Have times changed so much so quickly? Could we be entering the steroids amnesty phase of media reporting?

Sure, if Bonds admits steroid use tomorrow there will be the inevitable "Well he only did it because McGwire did it" story-lines but even that is better than the venom that was spewed in the early days of steroid outtings. Now, in the TMZSports world of Tiger Woods head bashing/car trashing/ho' lashin antics and Gilbert "gun's ablazin'" Arenas buffonery, the public and the media that feeds it doesn't seem to be too interested in this old and relatively tame story of athletes juicing.

If there ever was a time for Barry Bonds or anyone to come out and admit steroid use, now appears to be the time to do it. Get in while the gettin's good guys.

This Is What Happens When You Roll On Shabbos

You will rest whether you like it or not.

Narcoleptic Bowler Passes Out Mid-Throw - Watch more Funny Videos

Shomer fucking Shabbos.

Friday, January 8, 2010

NFL Playoffs Wild Card Pick Em

So the playoffs begin this weekend and I fell off the map with my picks in the last 2 weeks of the regular season, so i totally have to make up for it here just for my own peace of mind. I ended up finishing above .500 for the year, which bodes well for the playoffs. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Meghan from the Baltimore Ravens. Lets get to the games*:

New York Jets at CINCINNATI -2.5

The Bengals know they are going to win this game and they will. The young "Sanchize" shouldn't be much of a factor here as rookie quarterbacks with questionable receiving corps. generally do not do well in the playoffs. The Jets D might be able to keep this close for awhile, since the Bengals only have one receiving threat themselves, but I expect the Bengals to easily win this game by well more than a field goal. Take the Bengals.


The Eagles got destroyed last time they faced the Cowboys, getting shut out 24-0. The first time they faced the Cowboys, they lost 16-20 at home. So why am I picking the Eagles this week? Simple! I hate the Cowboys. Also there is no way an NFC East team beats another NFC East team 3 times in a row. Its got to be some sort of statistical fact that this never happens. Like ever. Unless it has, then its almost never. Take the Eagles, at the very worst, they will probably cover, at best, they win outright.

BALTIMORE +3.5 at New England

Picking against the Patriots, at home, in the playoffs should be suicide for you bank account. This year, I do not think it is. I think the loss of Welker is going to really hurt their offensive attack which was hardly as dynamic as it has been in past years. Some people in Baltimore still say they would've beaten the Patriots in the regular season if it werent for all those phantom roughing the passer penalties on them. I'm all about the road dogs this week apparently.

GREEN BAY +1 at Arizona

The Cardinals were in the Super Bowl last season and they are only favored by 1 point here? Ohhh, maybe its because Kurt Warner has no healthy bodies to throw the ball to and is depending on a couple of backs dealing with a little case of fumbleitis. Meanwhile Green Bay can score on anyone but they have supreme difficulty in stopping anyone. Luckily, in this game, they shouldnt have to do much to stop the Cards. Take the Pack. Road dogs rule!

Good luck.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Is This What Ocho Cinco Would Be Like Playing a Board Game?

Followers of Ocho Cinco on the Twitters know how much he plays Call of Duty. If it's not Call of Duty for some, it's World of Warcraft for others. You may mock online gamers but maybe it's best to leave them to their own devices. Warning: Language NSFW.

Damn Saskatchewan wasn't kidding about the roughriding. Just hope their GM wore one when he was getting his Mark Chmura on.

Who Wants To Date An NFL Player?

It's the end of the season for most NFL players and you know what that means. More time for NFL players to get in trouble with the groupies. There's nothing women love more than dating tips from married men especially married, rich men who aren't going to "date" them. Cosmo asked 10 of the "hottest NFL stars out there" about their dating preferences and pet peeves. That's great but not applicable. Sorry, ladies. Most of you aren't going to land a Tony Gonzalez despite what your magazines tell you. And no he's really not listening. Don't put your head in your salad. The Deuce is here to help you. We went out and found out what real NFL players want and don't want from women.

JaMarcus Russell: I like a woman that makes me another pork pot pie while I'm eating the first one. I also like a woman that smells like bacon. If you look like food, I got time.

Darnell Dockett: You gotta be down with the Dutch Oven. They don't call me Fart Box for nothing.

Pat Patriot: I need a wicked pissah of a woman who knows what to do when I drop into the three point stance. Steely Dan style if you know what I mean. Don't worry, I got small bills in case you gotta make change. Me and Welkah get them nice Warwick girls. Down for whatevah and no questions. No dahkies unless they look like Crispus Attucks.

Ray Lewis: What time is it?? Gametime!!! Woo!!! This what I come to do today!!

Kyle Boller: Well I like a woman that's nice and spe... (phone drops and hangs up)

Tony Romo: Can you sing? No? Good. Can you chew and think at the same time? No? Good. Do you have a problem with me not being able to finish the job? No? Good.

Michael Vick: I only rock one position. I'm like Black Sheep, honey. I drop the ney like when you drop to your knees! Woof woof, babygirl!! Grrr!!

Hopefully you ladies have a little more insight into the minds of NFL players. We wish we could do more for you but as Oran "Juice" Jones says, we can't give you nuthin' but advice cause you're still young. In the words of Dave Chappelle, "Get out there and be somebody!"
Here's a tip for the New Year. It doesn't matter how long Mike Tyson has been out of the boxing game. When he wants something, you give it to him.

Sombrero Tip To Charles Rogers

There's nothing like going to a Mexican restaurant after a long night. You know you're going to get your eat on and pay for it the next day but you don't care. That's great but the best thing is that it doesn't matter how drunk you are when you walk through the door. Someone will be drunker than you. If you're in Novi, MI, you can bet the drunkest guy in the cantina will be ex-Detroit Lion Charles Rogers.

Rogers was arrested after getting drunk and passing out in a Mexican restaurant. Quentin Tarantino would categorize him as a Mexicant. The former wide receiver has been in a sobriety court program since pleading guilty to driving impaired in September.

There isn't any video footage from the incident but we imagine it went down a little something like this:

Video courtesy of Dallas Examiner.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Makes Sparring Partner His B*tch

Floyd "Money" Mayweather must have known he was on camera. Either that or the shit talking doesn't stop in private.

Mayweather's sparring partner may be a bitch but backing out of the March fight against Pacquiao will make him the king of all bitches. "King me!!" Get it done already.

Video courtesy of TMZ.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Boise State Cowbell Girl, Instant Internet Phenom

If you saw the Fiesta Bowl Game last night, you saw the Cowbell girl above. If you missed this little bit of awesomeness, check her out as long as this video is up.

Amazingly enough, you can also now be a fan of hers on Facebook here. Oh let the photoshops and animated gifs begin!! Instant internet meme! MAWR COWBELL!!

Oh, and just in case you don't think we know, she is blind, but we at the Deuce do not discriminate against people with handicaps. We consider them handicapable and thus, will not exclude them from our ridicule just as we do not exclude any other person for any other reason. That'd be like telling us not to make fun of Travis Henry because its not his fault he's stupid.

From Sociallynecessary

Surefire Way to Gambling Success! Just Smoke This

Today and today only, Deuce of Davenport is bringing you the way to almost sure-fire sports betting success! Its based off of an ancient African tradition medicine! Nearly guaranteed results! What is this secret? have to smoke a vulture's brain.

Thats right, because vultures always seem to know when an animal is gonna drop dead, some people believe that if you smoke their brain, you receive their precognitive powers. How do you go about doing this? Well first, you must capture a vulture alive, then remove the head while it is still living so the "brain does not flow down into the spinal cord", next remove the brain from the skull, let it dry, then roll it into a cigarette and smoke the brain, inhaling it deeply within your lungs...receiving all that crazy vulture insight all up in your shit.

Just remember kids, when smoking vulture brains you puff puff give, puff puff give! Don't be fuckin' up the rotation! Hank Goldberg would shoot your ass if you were pullin that shit with his vulture brains! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!

From Guardian UK

The Deuce is Back And Cummunicating

Thank God Mustafa had the wherewithal to have his camera phone at the ready when he saw this typo last night during the wild Boise State / TCU Feista Bowl game. Jeron Johnson is a BSU junior from Compton who majors in something his mother might not be so proud of...cummunication. Its like the punch line to a really bad pickup line and it was displayed right on national television.

But hey, what if he MEANT to have this as his major? If this is the case, then play on playa. Finally, a college major that means something! Life skills that you can actually use instead of something wholly abstract like say philosophy. The Deuce is fully behind Jeron Johnson in his mastery of cummunication. Dear God, can you even imagine what the finals would be like? I can. Skeet skeet skeet...For the rest of his playing career, this kid should be referred to as the Cummunicator and only the Cummunicator from this point forward.