Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
It only took a couple weeks for NFL players to start acting crazy. Rey Maualuga just got one upped by Deon Anderson who has a warrant out for his arrest.
Anderson went crazy and pulled a gun on a parking valet after accusing him of tampering with his car. The arrest warrant states
On 02/02/10 at approximately 2:16 AM off duty officers working Black Finn (4440 Belt Line) were alerted by staff members of a man with a gun in the parking lot. Officers were pointed to an area where four males and two vehicles were. Complainant Mekonnen Gigi advised Deon Anderson was mad because of problems with his vehicle, and accused him of tampering with the vehicle. Gigi stated Anderson retrieved a handgun from the car and asked him why he was laughing. Gigi stated he was in fear of imminent bodily injury or death when Anderson displayed the firearm. The firearm was recovered from the shrubs nearby, and wasThe parking lot confrontation isn't the first time Anderson has made the papers for bringing the ruckus. He and Flozell Adams fought on a team flight after a loss to the Eagles in 2008 when the Cowboys season fell apart. Marcus.
found to be loaded with a round chambered.
We'd like to credit Marcus Vick for inspiring Anderson but a hat tip to the late Sean Taylor is more appropriate given the circumstances. We're talking ATVs not home invasion and murder. We'll leave that to Wilbon. Sean Taylor whipped out some guns on Ryan Hill, a Miami resident who he thought stole his property. At least he thought he was wronged? Marcus Vick just went crazy on some kids in a Burger King parking lot because he's a Vick and that's just how they was raised.
It's been a minute since we've posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We're ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT's Bentley. Let's do this!
The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls
The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager's trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.
He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.
Ain't no shame in Avram's game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It's the Chelsea way.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Lets take a look at Chad's injury history in his 9 seasons of pro football real quick:
Wow...ok. If this was baseball, this guy would only be tossing balls for a rec league softball team. A guy who never had much arm strength to begin with, coming off his 3rd shoulder surgery, who has only played in 16 games twice in his career, seriously wants to give it another go? I dont want to be the bearer of bad news but, c'mon, read the tea leaves Chad.
- 2002 - Fracture/dislocation on his left (non-throwing) hand (missed 6 games)
- 2004 - Injured right rotator cuff (missed 4 games)
- Feb 2005 - Surgery to repair substantial tear in the right rotator cuff, as well as a large bone spur.
- Sept 2005 - Injured right rotator cuff.
- Oct 2005 - Surgery to repair his right rotator cuff.
- 2007 - High ankle sprain (missed 1 game); benched after 8 games.
- Sept 2009 - Injured right shoulder.
- Oct 2009 - Surgery to repair labrum tear and shoulder capsule.
Pennington needs to listen to his body more than his heart. He may have the desire to play still, but his body has already told him he just shouldn't do it.
From Miami Herald
England manager Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry had lost the England captain's armband. He asked him to look under his bed. Bam!
The terrace chants, songs and jokes are heating up as more details begin to emerge from Terrygate. The latest reports may actually help Terry save his job as captain. What could save his armband besides proof that he didn't have an affair with the former nightclub worker? It turns out that he wasn't the only Chelsea player to have a go at Bridgey's ex.
The Sun reports that former players Eidur Gudjohnsen, Adrian Mutu and one unnamed player also ran up in Perroncel while she was working at a nightclub frequented by Chelsea players. Terry's just getting sloppy fifths. Gudjohnsen allegedly warned Bridge about Perroncel's super-WAG/ho-ish intentions but he didn't listen. Whoa, hold up...
The Mail claims that the number is up to seven as two CURRENT Chelsea players have been identified as also being Perroncel dick bandits. They remain unnamed for now. Don't be surprised to learn that mascot Stamford the Lion also made sweet love to her.
Bridge might want to consider a paternity test to make sure he's the father of their child. This sounds like a job for Maury.
"I gather that Tim Tebow is extremely good at football. That's just as well, for he certainly isn't very good at thinking." - Richard Dawkins (Former Professor of the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford; author of "The God Delusion" and "The Greatest Show on Earth".)
From The Washington Post
Oh my God, he's fat again. There's no other way to say it. JaMarcus Russell is larger than life. Literally and figuratively. Yes, he's bigger than all 32 remaining Backstreet Boys fans put together. He threw away the Raiders season like it was a salad. He skipped the last team meeting to head to Vegas and now he can't go to a basketball game without being called out for sucking by the announcers.
Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins were calling a NBA game when TNT's cameras caught Jamarcus Russell in some floor seats. They could have quickly acknowledged his presence and moved on to other topics. Let's just say he caught their eye for more than a couple seconds.
JaMarcus Russell2019s Bling Holding Back His Game - Watch more Funny Videos
Harlan and Collins should show some understanding. JaMarcus is not a man with much time on his hands. There are countless hours that need to be spent in the buffet line as well as the film room and jewelry store. His theme song has been All You Can Eat but his ice is so blingy. He's earned Bling Bling as his alternate anthem.
Medallion iced up, Rolex bezelled upDon't you know JaMarcus is tryin' to put platinum eyebrows on these hoes? Back up off him!
And his pinky ring is platinum plus
Earrings be trillion cut
And his grill be slugged up
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
British tabloids are bloody outraged over John Terry's alleged affair with former Chelsea and current England teammate Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Commentators are screaming for his head like al-Shabab. They want him removed as England captain yesterday. What's England manager Fabio Capello to do?
Terry is accused of giving the Double D to Perroncel not soon after they broke up. It's alleged that he not only slept with her but also knocked her up. The England and Chelsea captain is married with two children. Sticky situation but it's not all bad. He was man enough to pay for the abortion. Problem solved, yes? Hell no.
Stories of the affair came to light when tabloid News of the World took pictures of the Chelsea and England captain leaving Perroncel's house in his Bentley. Terry sought and received a superinjunction to prevent the story's publication. Legal fail. The high court overturned it and the story quickly became a superclusterfuck when it was splashed across the front page of every major paper in the UK.
Normally the private lives of athletes and other famous people should stay as such in spite of the media and general public's obsession with every detail of their idols' lives. The Deuce always respects th....Never mind. Is this situation different? Terry is supposed to lead England in their World Cup campaign. It's rumored that Bridge won't travel to South Africa if Terry remains captain or even on the team depending which reports one believes. There are also claims that Terry isn't the only professional footballer to get a professional from Perroncel. This could get messier before it gets better for the involved parties.
Instead of hiring a PR representative, Terry should take some advice from South African president, Jacob Zuma. He just fathered his 20th child with the daughter of friend, Sonono Khoza. There ain't no shame in his game. He has multiple children from seven women which include his "current three wives" as well as various other women. The Khoza family wasn't pleased and sought discussions over "inhlawulo, the customary Zulu damages payable when a child is born out of wedlock". Problem solved? Yes.
Khoza is the chairman of the South Africa's World Cup organizing committee. You think Zuma's love child is going to blow up the biggest sporting event in the world? No way. Is anyone talking about Zuma stepping down from the presidency? Of course not. Bill Clinton was president of the wrong country.
England needs to tighten up. Terry isn't the first pro athlete to cheat or knock someone up and he won't be the last. No doubt the situation is ugly for the involved parties. It makes for juicy gossip and speculation but it shouldn't threaten England's chances at the World Cup. There will be hundreds of excuses to choose from when they inevitably choke. This drama should be handled internally by Capello and his decision should be respected. The FA and British govermnent should keep their noses out of it. They've made it apparent over the years that they have no clue what they're doing when it comes to soccer. The team is ultimately Capello's responsibility. It might be worth talking to Sven as he has experience with handling these types of situations from every angle. Know what I'm sayin'?
There are some lessons to be learned from this mess. Never leave your lady around John Terry. Never leave valuables around his mother. Always look for his dad when you're ready to have a good time. "Come on, Chelsea" has taken on a whole new meaning.
** The Deuce declares all conflicts unlike Howard Kurtz. Mustafa is a long-time Chelsea supporter. He is only interested in Terry keeping his head on straight when he's playing for the Blues.
The greatest thing about the super bowl every year is not at all the game itself, no, its the money that can be made off the game by the silly ass prop bets that can be made. Lets look at some of the best and most random ones that are available to you, the silly gambler. (for those that don't know, picking something +100 or +1000 is good value. If you take an event +1000, if you bet 100 dollars you would win 1000. If you take an event +5000, if you bet 100 dollars you win 5000. Move the decimal point as you want depending on your wager or the odds given to you. Now you know how to gamble).
What will team call for opening Coin Toss
Heads -130First score of the game is a safety +5000
First O lineman to be called for a safety
Carl Nicks, Jahri Evans, Jeff Saturday, Jonathan Goodwin, Kyle DeVan, and Ryan Lilja all have the worst odds at +800
The first punt of the game will be:
Caught Clearly -275The ultimate coin flip bet, Brees (or Manning) total pass yrds made will be end in an
Ball Hits Ground +200
Out of Bounds in Air +800
Blocked or Tipped +1500
Even Number -105 or Odd Number -105Will both teams make a FG of 33+ yards in game
Yes +170For the Buffalo Bills fans out there "First missed field goal in the game will be..."
Wide Left -120What will happen for the 1st coaches challenge
Wide Right -110
Play overturned -115How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem? Clock starts as soon as Underwood sings first Note and Stops when she sings her last note.
Play stands -115
Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds EVENWhat will the Neilson TV Rating be?
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds -130
Over 42.9 Nielsen Rating -165
Under 42.9 Nielson Rating +135
Thursday, January 28, 2010
All y'all fake motherfuckers up in the joint, huh? Stealin Andy's light, huh? Watch him, duke, watch him. Tim Henman ain't got nuthin' on Scotland. Witness more street knowledge from Murray after the jump.
I love the "ugh" at the very end. Fitting.
10. Madison Bumgarner - I envision this guy to look like on of the old guys from Trading Places. I know he PROBABLY doesn't. But it'd be great to have a kid coming up that looks like a 50 year old rich white man. Just with that name he could sit right beside Randolph and Mortimer with a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in another. "Looking good Madison!" "Feeling Good, Louis!"
22. Starlin Castro - I've never been more divided about a name ever. Castro is always badass since he shares the last name with a ruthless dictator. On the other hand, Starlin is sort of a cross between a fish and a luminous ball of plasma. No idea how your parents think that is a good idea. Maybe its a family name. Or maybe they're just a fan of comic books.
30. Yonder Alonso - If ever a name cried out for a new version of the classic "Who's on First" sketch it could be Yonder.
"I didn't ask where, I asked who!"
/punch in face
50. Jaff Decker - Jaff just sounds like a name out of Star Wars or something. Like Dack was or Wedge or Biggs...basically he sounds like an X-Wing pilot and that, in and of itself, is AWESOME. He has a lot to live up to.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I don't even know if the Super Bowl can come close to this weekend. You had an overtime game, you had parts of games that were defensive masterpieces, you had parts of games that were offensive explosions, you had untimely pentalties, you had untimely turnovers, you had untimely fumbles and dropped interceptions that weren't turnovers but should have been, you had challenges, booth reviews, and you had Brett Favre getting beat into the ground and looking like the old man that he is. The Saints win and the Colts win. Fun times.
This is what the NFL playoffs should be about. The previous Wild Card and Divisional games that preceeded this weekend of AFC and NFC Championships really cannot even compare. For both these games, you had two relatively evenly matched oppenents facing off their strength vs the other teams strength in a battle for the ultimate conquest...a chance at the Lombardi Trophy. The Jets' suffocating defense versus the robotically efficient Colts' offense. MATCHUP! The Vikings' high flying offense and intense defense versus the Saints' even more high flying offense and even more intense defense. MATCHUP!
Sorry to sound like an NFL fanboy but I was in heaven watching these games. If parity rules in the NFL then I hope every weekend is like this. Now, we have the Saints in their very first Super Bowl appearance versus the Colts.
The Colts are an extremely efficient offense that thrives on not making any mistakes with their precise attack and they are going against a defense that thrives on forcing their opponents into making mistakes. The Saints offense isn't as efficient but their firepower makes up for it in that they have so many weapons to get the balls into the hands of, not to mention a quarterback that can put the ball into the hands of the playmakers when they are open. The Colts' defense is solid, but will certainly have trouble matching up against the numerous options the Saints have.
This might be a Super Bowl I am genuinely excited about for the first time in a long time. Two high powered offenses against two generally decent defenses makes for a pretty evenly matched game with plenty of fireworks. Hooray for the NFL, David Stern couldn't have planned for a better championship game.
(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Panthers vs. Steelers? That sounds like an overrated Thursday Night Football game. If anyone sees a player with an XXXL jersey missing punches, let us know so we can dub him Sir Delhomme.
It was "Hear Come The Judge" time in Clark County as Tim Lincecum appeared to face marijuana possession charges. He managed to get off with a reduced drug paraphernalia charge and a $513 fine in addition to previously paid fines.
"I'll try not to let this happen again," Lincecum said, standing just a few feet in front of the judge in the cramped courtroom. "I just want to move forward and continue my life."
At that, Lincecum's attorney, Gary Metro, jumped in to profusely thank the judge for his handling of the case.I'll try to try my best on this one but I can't promise anything. That's the spirit! It would probably help if Lincecum didn't show up in court looking strung out. Scott Weiland salutes his vigor.
Jenni Lee says he already has the teeth for it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
"The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls," one Weight Watchers participant told the Smålandsposten newspaper.A freaking fatquake! If this happened here in the states you know there would've been all sorts of news coverage on this and how fat our nation has become as a whole. In reality, it probably was more of a structural problem than a weight problem, floors really shouldnt do that generally. But still, this event did allow me to create the term Fatquake and for that I am happy.
Soon, the fault lines spread around the room, and other sections of the floor gave way.
From Telegraph UK
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Herschel Walker is one bad dude. He won the Heisman Trophy in college, was an USFL and NFL all-pro, a member of the US Olympic Bobsled Team, a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do and now, at 47 years old he apparently is just getting started. Walker is set to fight Greg Nagy in a STRIKEFORCE MMA bout on Jan. 30 at the Florida Panthers' arena.
I mean if ex-athlete can do it, certainly he can do it, right? This guy was and, from some hardly independent doctor's accounts, still is a physical freak. Who knows, Herschel could be the next Kimbo Slice like MMA phenomenon if he is any good. Certainly he's got more skills than Slice since he is a 5th degree black belt. This might be enough to get even more eyes on the ever growing MMA sport.
No odds are posted for this fight that I could find, but we'll keep you updated on that...well probably not, we're not too good on following up stories here. In any case, I have to imagine that Walker is the favorite, Nagy's overall record is just 1-1 and he is a virtual unknown in the MMA world. This has to be a setup.
There's probably somewhere in the neighborhood of one million different jokes that I can make here about A-Rod's balls, but no, I am going above the low brow humor that I normally use and just giving it to you straight. You can soon purchase Alex Rodriguez's 500th home run ball which he hit in old Yankee Stadium on Aug. 4, 2007.
So, you too can be a part of history and pay a ton of money for a ball, hit by a guy, who admitted he once used performance enhancing drugs to help hit balls. Awesome. Ask Todd McFarlane how buying home run balls has worked for him lately? Yea, he's the wisenheimer who bought Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball for 3 million dollars. BRILLIANT!
From The Globe and Mail
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
New York Jets at CINCINNATI -2.5
The Bengals know they are going to win this game and they will. The young "Sanchize" shouldn't be much of a factor here as rookie quarterbacks with questionable receiving corps. generally do not do well in the playoffs. The Jets D might be able to keep this close for awhile, since the Bengals only have one receiving threat themselves, but I expect the Bengals to easily win this game by well more than a field goal. Take the Bengals.
PHILADELPHIA +4 at Dallas
The Eagles got destroyed last time they faced the Cowboys, getting shut out 24-0. The first time they faced the Cowboys, they lost 16-20 at home. So why am I picking the Eagles this week? Simple! I hate the Cowboys. Also there is no way an NFC East team beats another NFC East team 3 times in a row. Its got to be some sort of statistical fact that this never happens. Like ever. Unless it has, then its almost never. Take the Eagles, at the very worst, they will probably cover, at best, they win outright.
BALTIMORE +3.5 at New England
Picking against the Patriots, at home, in the playoffs should be suicide for you bank account. This year, I do not think it is. I think the loss of Welker is going to really hurt their offensive attack which was hardly as dynamic as it has been in past years. Some people in Baltimore still say they would've beaten the Patriots in the regular season if it werent for all those phantom roughing the passer penalties on them. I'm all about the road dogs this week apparently.
GREEN BAY +1 at Arizona
The Cardinals were in the Super Bowl last season and they are only favored by 1 point here? Ohhh, maybe its because Kurt Warner has no healthy bodies to throw the ball to and is depending on a couple of backs dealing with a little case of fumbleitis. Meanwhile Green Bay can score on anyone but they have supreme difficulty in stopping anyone. Luckily, in this game, they shouldnt have to do much to stop the Cards. Take the Pack. Road dogs rule!
*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's the end of the season for most NFL players and you know what that means. More time for NFL players to get in trouble with the groupies. There's nothing women love more than dating tips from married men especially married, rich men who aren't going to "date" them. Cosmo asked 10 of the "hottest NFL stars out there" about their dating preferences and pet peeves. That's great but not applicable. Sorry, ladies. Most of you aren't going to land a Tony Gonzalez despite what your magazines tell you. And no he's really not listening. Don't put your head in your salad. The Deuce is here to help you. We went out and found out what real NFL players want and don't want from women.
JaMarcus Russell: I like a woman that makes me another pork pot pie while I'm eating the first one. I also like a woman that smells like bacon. If you look like food, I got time.
Darnell Dockett: You gotta be down with the Dutch Oven. They don't call me Fart Box for nothing.
Pat Patriot: I need a wicked pissah of a woman who knows what to do when I drop into the three point stance. Steely Dan style if you know what I mean. Don't worry, I got small bills in case you gotta make change. Me and Welkah get them nice Warwick girls. Down for whatevah and no questions. No dahkies unless they look like Crispus Attucks.
Ray Lewis: What time is it?? Gametime!!! Woo!!! This what I come to do today!!
Kyle Boller: Well I like a woman that's nice and spe... (phone drops and hangs up)
Tony Romo: Can you sing? No? Good. Can you chew and think at the same time? No? Good. Do you have a problem with me not being able to finish the job? No? Good.
Michael Vick: I only rock one position. I'm like Black Sheep, honey. I drop the ney like when you drop to your knees! Woof woof, babygirl!! Grrr!!
Hopefully you ladies have a little more insight into the minds of NFL players. We wish we could do more for you but as Oran "Juice" Jones says, we can't give you nuthin' but advice cause you're still young. In the words of Dave Chappelle, "Get out there and be somebody!"
There's nothing like going to a Mexican restaurant after a long night. You know you're going to get your eat on and pay for it the next day but you don't care. That's great but the best thing is that it doesn't matter how drunk you are when you walk through the door. Someone will be drunker than you. If you're in Novi, MI, you can bet the drunkest guy in the cantina will be ex-Detroit Lion Charles Rogers.
Rogers was arrested after getting drunk and passing out in a Mexican restaurant. Quentin Tarantino would categorize him as a Mexicant. The former wide receiver has been in a sobriety court program since pleading guilty to driving impaired in September.
There isn't any video footage from the incident but we imagine it went down a little something like this:
Video courtesy of Dallas Examiner.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Mayweather's sparring partner may be a bitch but backing out of the March fight against Pacquiao will make him the king of all bitches. "King me!!" Get it done already.
Video courtesy of TMZ.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Amazingly enough, you can also now be a fan of hers on Facebook here. Oh let the photoshops and animated gifs begin!! Instant internet meme! MAWR COWBELL!!
Oh, and just in case you don't think we know, she is blind, but we at the Deuce do not discriminate against people with handicaps. We consider them handicapable and thus, will not exclude them from our ridicule just as we do not exclude any other person for any other reason. That'd be like telling us not to make fun of Travis Henry because its not his fault he's stupid.
Thats right, because vultures always seem to know when an animal is gonna drop dead, some people believe that if you smoke their brain, you receive their precognitive powers. How do you go about doing this? Well first, you must capture a vulture alive, then remove the head while it is still living so the "brain does not flow down into the spinal cord", next remove the brain from the skull, let it dry, then roll it into a cigarette and smoke the brain, inhaling it deeply within your lungs...receiving all that crazy vulture insight all up in your shit.
Just remember kids, when smoking vulture brains you puff puff give, puff puff give! Don't be fuckin' up the rotation! Hank Goldberg would shoot your ass if you were pullin that shit with his vulture brains! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!
From Guardian UK
But hey, what if he MEANT to have this as his major? If this is the case, then play on playa. Finally, a college major that means something! Life skills that you can actually use instead of something wholly abstract like say philosophy. The Deuce is fully behind Jeron Johnson in his mastery of cummunication. Dear God, can you even imagine what the finals would be like? I can. Skeet skeet skeet...For the rest of his playing career, this kid should be referred to as the Cummunicator and only the Cummunicator from this point forward.