Monday, April 30, 2007

Nobody Wanted Quinn, Not Even His Girlfriend

As we all know Brady Quinn was the NFL's version of a leper on Saturday, no one wanted to touch we can see from the video below, this even included his girlfriend.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Hughes and Lebron Take The Playoffs Seriously

Not only are the Cavaliers coming to DC with intentions of wiping the floor with the heavily injured and underdogged Wizards...but they're planning a party in Washington DC IN BETWEEN GAMES 3 AND 4 of the series! This apparently is just to try and show that they can beat the Wizards with their two superstars hungover as hell, thereby leveling the playing field. That is some gall right there. But its not the best thing about this playoff weekend...Larry Hughes actually has TWO parties that weekend!

Thats right...Larry Hughes is co-hosting two parties in one weekend. The first one, with our boy Agent Zero (and Fabolous) right after game 3 on Saturday and the next on Sunday, their one off day in between games 3 and 4. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a man who is happy to be back in DC...and a cocky man who thinks he can help beat a team decimated by injuries after 2 straight nights of partying. Ya gotta give it to Agent Zero though, you know he had to be the one who got Fabolous to perform at his party...TAKE THAT "KING" JAMES!

Anyway, all you gamblers out there...i think its safe to say take the UNDER on Larry Hughes points for game 4 and the UNDER on the game 4 score. We'll see if they'll be celebrating a sweep on Monday...

White RB's: Most Endangered Species in NFL

Special Guest Blog Post By The Newest Crocodile Hunter, Bindi Irwin...

Crikey! What have we here?? Its about time for the American Football draft and it appears as if we've found a resurgence of the rarest of rare male homo sapiens! Crikey, its a bloody Caucasian running back! A species of mammal not seen in its native habitat since a few years ago with a man by the name of Brock Forsey! This chap goes by Brian Leonard! Oooooh what a specimen! This is about as rare as finding a lesser bilby!!

This bastard hails from a strange and polluted Atlantic coastal region known as New Jersey, specifically, the state university of New Jersey, Rutgers. CRIKEY, it appears as if this bloke is actually quite athletic! The bloke is built like a brick shit house! BLIMEY, it looks as if this chap might actually be drafted into this American Football league! This would have a MAJOR impact on the species! The last time an evolutionary event such as this occurred Brent Barry won the bloody slam dunk contest! No doubt this league will attempt to pigeonhole this man into another genus of homo sapien, such as homo sapien fullback as opposed to homo sapien halfback or homo sapien running back, but hopefully his true self will shine through, like the beautiful cassowary!

CRIKEY, many people in the scientific world are ASTOUNDED by a creature of this significance appearing in this day in age! Read this article for one man's dissertation about the plight of the endangered and near extinct North American Football White Running Back!!

I'm off now to find what other endangered species are out there in the world of sports creatures, perhaps the sad sad story of the North American African American Baseball Player might be next in my sights! CRIKEY!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

THE Definitive Article on Dwarf Tossing

This is one brilliant piece of work the people of TwistedEdge came up with. It is one of the most in depth articles on the lost sport of midget throwing/dwarf tossing. Some excerpts:
The Roots:The first of these twisted little events to get any real recognition was The Dwarf Throwing World Championship (I kid you not) which took place some time in 1986 - further proof as to what a messed up decade that was. That particular toss-fest was won by Team England - Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant the heroes of the hour.
The current world record for the longest throw is held by some white trash nutcase called Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mommy and everything. The throw was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees calling themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs are mainly famous for their rather racy (and un-nervingly homo-erotic) 'balloon dance,' which basically involves them prancing about naked with balloons covering their pinkened, shrunken manhoods. They have a website and everything - click here to check it out (although doing so will officially make you a freak.)
You talk about quality investigative blogging! Very impressive work. Call me curious but, I'd love to see what the Japanese are doing now in the world of tossing. They've got to be competitive now, especially with strange, demeaning shows like this.

Read this article and remember the first rule of dwarf tossing is you don't talk about dwarf tossing. The second rule of dwarf tossing is...

Link: Midget Throwing: A Lost Art - TwistedEdge

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Trapper John apologized for the three of us so you can go fuck yourself if you're looking for anything apology related. Snake venom gathering is not an easy job. It requires complete concentration and an easily disposable Dalit for testing purposes. Hmm perhaps I've said too much....How about that local sporting team?

Pikeys Don't Just Like Caravans

They also like cars. BMWs. David "Goldenballs" Beckham's BMW to be exact. His X5 was stolen over a year ago in Madrid by a gang that targeted luxury cars as if there's a gang targeting Gremlins, Trablants and Yugos. They're from Basque country and really shouldn't be trusted like ETA.

The car was tracked to Macedonia and it's being driven by Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska. Gordana isn't about to give the car up without a fight. She says if it's his, she'll give it back but Police Spokesman Ivo Kotevski said,
“Before it reached Macedonia, the vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain, so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The only way to settle this is a bareknuckle boxing match. 50 quid on anyone named Gordana. The Deuce looks forward to Goldenballs being sold to some Albanians as a sex slave after he loses the match. They'll love him in Greek Macedonia or Turkey.

Anything Goes When It Comes To Hoes

Good old Wazza. He'll take 'em 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy. Can't leave them cougars alone and now they're coming back on their Rascals to bite him in the ass.

A book detailing Rooney's rough sex with prostitutes is about to come out and he's a bit freaked out as you might imagine. The Sun says the book will be titled Roo Unzipped.

It's a well known fact that Rooney likes them old and dusty like the Auld Slapper but he's also not afraid to rob the uterus by sleeping with hookers in their mid to late 30s.
"I pretended I was getting turned on. Making the noises and going through the motions.

“But really I was thinking of Pot Noodles and which one to have after he’'d finished – chicken and mushroom or the beef one?

“Wayne didn’'t turn me on at all.– He was ugly."

Tip top, Roo!!

Just Win, Baby

Al Davis could learn something from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. You'd never catch the Special One drafting Robert Gallery or Napoleon Kaufman. You'll also never see him let something like a bullshit suspension or ban keep him from bringing the truth to the starting 11.

The Times has shed light on how Jose beat the suspension placed on him two years ago during the Champions League quarterfinals when Chelsea played Bayern Munich. He was banned from the bench for making allegations against referee Anders Frisk in the previous round which turned out to be true. The racism-accepting, corrupt hypocrites otherwise known as UEFA buried a report showing the allegations to be true.

Here's an excerpt from the article. It's long but well worth the read.

For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”

Art Shell, Norv Turner or Bill Callahan don't know shit about Commitment to Excellence.

When he's not busy beating evil Germans or the Scousers, he's steppin' to wrestlers. Watch around 5:35.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Cool Guy Always Beats the Baxter

Kiwi mauled by rampant Lankan tiger

Well, we did tell you that the Lankan attack was brilliant and lethal. And we told you that the Lankans would win, because their class would differentiate them from a rather plain, if very talented and consistent, New Zealand side. But we had no idea just how dominant the victory would be, as Sri Lanka won by 81 runs. After losing two wickets -- Jayasuriya and Sangakkara! -- relatively early, Mahela Jayawardene built a remarkable innings, scoring 115 off 109 balls, and powering his side to an imposing 5/289. The Kiwis never had a chance chasing that kind of target -- not when Murali, Malinga, and Vaas were in such fine form.

And that's really what this match came down to -- the fact that Sri Lanka is a truly special, brilliant side. We've said for some time that they're really the only team that can hope to beat Australia, because only they have the creativity, talent and class do so. New Zealand is a perfectly good team, and should be able to beat just about everyone other than SL and Australia. But they don't have the spark of genius about them. Not in their batting, not in their fielding, and -- with the exception of the exceptional Mr. Bond -- not in their bowling. Sri Lanka does. That doesn't mean SL can't lose to lesser teams -- they should have lost to England in the Super 8s. But it does mean that, on their day, SL can stand toe to toe with the Aussies. And even though I'm an Australia fan, I do want a great final. I think that SL will give us the game we all want.

Redskins' Draft Hype: Dont get too excited...

At 4pm today the Redskins will host their annual draft week media briefing. This will surely begin a very miserable week for Redskins fans and will be an ominous precursor for the season to come. What are they gonna tell us this year? Do they want Landry or Okoye? Do they want to have even less picks so they can trade up for Calvin Johnson, a wide receiver, who would fit well on a team that already has at least 4 signed for the next 4 years? Who knows. Yes, this is a week of misery, not because we know what they will do but because the history of this franchise's draft picks for the last 5 years tells us whatever they do, it will usually not work out.

From the drafts 2000-2005 the Redskins have just 9 players they drafted, by my count, still on their roster...out of the 34 players selected, the fewest amount of total players drafted in the NFL in that period. One of those 9 just resigned with the team through free agency this off season (Fred Smoot). That is, 26% of the players that they can get relatively cheap and that they can teach their own system for several years, actually stay with the team.

The Redskins' #1 draft pick success might be considered a bit better. They've had seven #1 draft picks in that period...Chris Samuels ('00), Sean Taylor ('04), Carlos Rogers ('05), and Jason Campbell ('05) are still on the team. 4 out of 7, that's not too bad? That's great until you realize in the decade prior to 2000 the Redskins have zero #1 draft picks on their team...most of them failing spectacularly. #1 picks are supposed to be franchise players, ones that can last for several years and be impact players for a sustained period of time...the Redskins have one in the last 15 years that could be talked about in that respect, Chris Samuels, and he is by no means a Hall of Famer.

The biggest indication of the Redskins scouting failures and lack of draft success is their mid to low round selections. These are the players the scouting staff needs to hit on so that the team can get talent to fill out the roster, at a cheap price for several years in contract length, occasionally hitting a "home run" with a player that was undervalued at the draft. Denver, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, New England, all good teams who repeatedly make excellent late round, 2nd day, draft picks. The Redskins again, fall short.

Since 2000-2005, the Redskins 2nd day picks have numbered 21...the number of players still on their roster is numbered 2. Rock Cartwright ('02) and Nehemiah Broughton ('05)...both 7th round picks. That number, again, is way too low.

No wonder they feel they can do better in free agency and trades, their draft history is horrible!

At first glance that argument makes a bit of sense, until you realize that the reason the Redskins go nuts in free agency is because the scouting staff is not capable enough to determine the skill level or value of a player that plays 3 or 4 years in college and needs to see how a player does with 3 or 4 years in the pros to determine if the player is good or not.

They admit their shortcomings! Sadly, even with this extra body of history they have on players, they still make monumental mistakes in selecting their roster (a blog for another time, but Brandon Lloyd and Adam Archuleta immediately come to mind in that discussion).

So with all that being said, enjoy the pre-draft media hype. Enjoy hearing Saint Joe talk about what he feels would be prudent for the team. You could even go out to FedEX and watch this draft debacle. Me, I'm gonna be at a baby party because I'm old...but I'll still be checking my cell phone for what we're doing. Why? Because as much as I hate the Redskins, I still love em.

Draft history from

Where'd That Week Go?

The Deuce staff apologizes for its weeklong absence. Suffice it to say that we simply didn't have time to blog, given that we were spread across the planet on critical missions. One of us was called in to work on a top-secret investigation in the Caribbean -- and Mustafa's remarkable knowledge of snake venoms has never been of such practical use. The Code Monkey was meditating with Agent Zero and Caron Butler in Cleveland, in a futile attempt to hypnotize them into playing shape. And I was in Dehli, seeking to thwart the most brazen attack on the people of the Indian Subcontinent since the Sino-Indian War.

So the World Cup semifinals start in about two minutes, and I'm sure you're waiting for the Deuce's official predictions before you head over to Bet 365. Well, here you go:

Tuesday: Sri Lanka v. New Zealand at Sabina, Jamaica

Prior to the tournament, I predicted that Sri Lanka would join Sethaffrika and Australia in the semis. I didn't see New Zealand making it -- though their attack was undeniably strong, I couldn't imagine that the batting would be consistent enough to make it through the Super 8s. Of course, I didn't imagine that India would shit the bed in such spectacular fashion.

But the Kiwis have been consistently excellent, with Scott Styris the anchor of the batting, and Shane Bond leading an attack that has performed even better that one could have expected at the beginning of the tourney. And as many have noted, the fast, hard pitch of Sabina -- denuded of the grass that so flummoxed Pakistan against Ireland -- will be fun for Bond. But it's going to take more than Bond to beat Sri Lanka, because Sri Lanka aren't just consistent. They're brilliant. The varied attack -- with the conventional pace of Vaas, the freakish deliveries of Malinga, and the genius of Murali -- complements a strong batting order. In the end, while NZ is a very good team, SL is a special team. They just have the extra intangibles necessary to win a match between two talented sides. SL by 45 runs.

Wednesday: Australia v. South Africa at Gros Inlet, St. Lucia

When de Villiers and Smith were at something like 0/130 (and batting ahead of the required run rate) against Australia in late March, they really had a chance to beat the champs. Then they lost a cheap wicket, and collapsed in a mire of Jacques Kallis cautiousness. They won't come nearly as close this time, as the Aussies have just kept improving, and as the Saffers attack lacks the variety to really trouble the Aussie bats. As obnoxiously arrogant as they may be, Ponting and his boys will cruise to a fascinating matchup with Sri Lanka on Saturday. Australia by 5 wickets/75 runs.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Deuce Poops On You

So many stories on the web, so little time to blog about them all, so the Deuce is dropping a deuce of links on you, hope you find them as entertaining as us:

- David Arquette shows his love of the ganja!!! while throwing out the first pitch at a Cubs game:
- Sex Scandal Teachers starting lineup: Stucknut/Barstoolsports
- Jovanate & Andy McDonald teach you wild and crazy pogo hopping tricks Euro stylie!: Youtube
- Koren Robinson is on work release, tried to lobby to be a janitor at the Miller Plant, instead working at a hospital: JS Online
- Somebody should tell Elton Brand he plays for the Clippers: LA Times
- List of the Top 10 Sports commercials of all time...and yet, no Terry Tate appears?? I call shenannigans!!!: SportsBusinessRadio

And speaking of Terry Tate...

Sunday, April 15, 2007

WNBA Has Festive Fans

This guy should be the Deuce's mascot. He brings the funk, he brings the noize.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Beer Pong Is A Sport, Right?

Those old Michael Jordan/Larry Bird Commercials have nothing on this guy. He's got no CGI here, barely has a camera really. This is what champion beer pong players are made of. No effing way anyone would ever play with this dude.

We have RPS leagues, we have Pillow Fighting...where is the beer pong league? Well, actually, its RIGHT HERE. Someone needs to sign this guy in the video up for the World Series of Beer Pong. He's the Tiger Woods of Beirut, the game not the country. That $20,000 is all his...wait...TWENTY FRIGGIN THOUSAND DOLLARS?

How on EARTH did the Deuce miss this event? To double my agony, its in casino in Mesquite, Nevada, not quite Adult Disney World, The Happiest Place on Earth, but hey, its a mere 80 miles away from it and with 4 casinos to choose from there's plenty o' gambling to satisfy my inner Gamblor. Cripes! Mustafa, Trapper, if you're reading this, we're signing up for next year. You know you wanna get these hotties drunk.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Oi. Oz. Attention Must Be Paid.

For reasons we can't begin to understand, we received the following note from Shane Watson this evening. The opinions contained therein are entirely his.
Oi. Shane here. I've had a decent amount of time on my hands lately, what with my wonky calf. And while I'm getting buff for my big return -- watch out, Lankans! -- you can't spend all your time in the nets. Or in the weight room. The mental training is important, too. Least that's what Punter says. Me, I'd rather be lifting. Can't stay fit unless I add 30% more mass. But you gotta keep Skip happy.

So I've been relaxing. Drinking Red Stripe and reading the blogs in the baths at the Cricket Australia 3 Mobile/Victoria Bitter ICC World Cup Training Facility. Men sauna in corporate sauna, I guess. That's what Punter always says. Not sure waht it means. But whatever. Anyway, Punter reco'ed that I read the blogs while I took the treatment. Said they keep you angry. They just confuse me, though.

For example. These knobs keep harping on me just because I've had a string of bad luck. Folks don't seem to care that I'm out of the XI. But all these bloggers can't say enough about that pretty boy Boer AB De Villiers. Guy doesn't even have a proper name. Like Shane. Or Mike. Or Steve. Aussie names, mate. Strong. Relentless. I mean, I work my abs as much as my lats or quads. But I don't need to name myself after them. That's crass.

Anyway, this AB is the darling of the bloggers. "Achingly talented." Whatever. It's funny. What these bloggers don't get is that the Saffers would have beat us a couple weeks ago thanks to Baby AB if it weren't fo me. Yeah, me. Because AB was having the best innings of the bloody World Cup before I threw him out. From 40 meters. Long leg. One stump to hit from long leg. And I did it. If I didn't do it, AB wasn't getting out. No way. Would've been not out for 250. Those bloggers are right. The guy is all that. AB is the best young player out there. 'Cept me. Cause I got him. Me. Shane.

Right. So don't forget it. You need me, Oz. Redirect

Some wiseacre out there apparently has bought and then made it immediately redirect to the Rutgers Womens Basketball Website**. I'm not sure if that's brilliant, funny, or just wrong...but I'm posting it anyway to let you know and you decide.

The Deuce is staying out of this Imus/Rutgers/Sharpton battle for the most part. Whitlock had probably the best take on it today. All the Deuce will do is let Imus speak for himself below...

**UPDATE: 4/25 It Appears as if the owners of the domain have now sent the link to a Youtube Video of "Fry That Chicken" interspersed with shots of Don Imus himself. Ohhh and it keeps going.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Run And Shooter's A Hard Offense To Master

When it comes to beating wives and the run and the shoot, Warren Moon's the Deuce's Man. Canadian Football Hall of Famer through and through. When it comes to drunk driving, not so much.

Moon was arrested for investigation of drunken driving in Kirkland, Washington after being stopped for speeding.

Haywood Jeffries, Webster Slaughter, Drew Hill and Ernest Givens would be proud. He's still got moves.

Touchdown United!!!

Who says the Amish don't have a positive effect on Manchester United? The proof was in the Champions League match between Manchester United and Roma at Old Trafford earlier today. United was down 2-1 after the first leg in Rome and needed a winning result and at least a 2-0 result (I think cause I can't add too good) to go through to the semi-finals.

Sir Alex Ferguson threw the Romans for a loop by ignoring goals and scoring a touchdown in one of the most stunning Champions League results in recent memory. United won 7-1 and advanced to the semifinals where they await the winner of the Bayern Munich - AC Milan match tomorrow.

Girlie man Cristiano Ronaldo and overpriced Michael Carrick scored two apiece. Leeds reject Alan Smith, Wayne Rooney and Patrice Evra each had one to finish the beatdown and send Totti and his Ciao boys back to Rome and their mamas on their lime green Vespas.

Of course, this doesn't change the fact that they'll still end up losing the league, FA Cup and Champions League to....

Alouette Chelsea Alouette

All hail the Special One. Admittedly Mustafa was nervous going into the second leg of the other Champions League quarterfinal match between Chelsea and Valencia. It was 1-1 after the first leg but the Mestalla is a tough place to play during Champions League and Valencia have shown they have what it takes to win the competition.

After a first half dominated by flashes of Valencia brilliance and a goal by Liverfool reject Fernando Morientes, Chelsea stepped their game up in the second half and leveled the match after a goal by Andriy Shevchenko.

The match appeared to be headed for extra time and possible penalties when Michael Essien, in his first match back from injury, slammed a winner past Santiago Canizares to put the famous CFC through to the semifinals where they are likely to meet their CL nemesis Liverpool who have a 3-0 lead on PSV going into tomorrow's second leg.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Ken Griffey's Disease Strikes Rugby Star

Ken Griffey Disease is what we have. It's not who we are.

That's right. They may be overpaid and underworked but victims of Ken Griffey's Disease are just like you and me...if we had houses with stripper poles, cars with 22s, a ho in every city and a multimillion dollar bank account.

The most recent victim is South Sydney captain David Kidwell who took a dive at a barbie and twisted his leg in order to avoid crushing his two-year old daughter. He ruptured his cruciate and medial ligaments and is out for the season.
"I don't blame her in any way. It's just a freak accident. I look forward to telling the story at her 21st (birthday), how she took her old man out."
Kidwell had no comment on rumors that he was going to feed his daughter to a bunch of Tasmanian Devils or make her work off his missed salary for the season in the salt mines of Tasmania.

Team owner Russell Crowe, who was at the cookout, was rumored to have shown a thumbs down and released his pack of dingos on Kidwell who was rolling around in agony.

New Zealand national rugby coach Brian McClennan was good enough to keep things in perspective.
"And there's a note going out to all players as we speak: that there's no to be no more barbecues from now on."

Fellow Griffey's Disease sufferer Brian Griese offered his support and words of advice.
"I remember when I took a dive in Terrell Davis' driveway and fell over a dog. People said I was shitfaced and drank enough to down a wildebeest. Instead of saying I was a Griffey's Disease sufferer, I hid my shame and said I wasn't drunk. I wish I had the courage to come out and admit that it didn't determine who I was. My dad did. Kiddy can get over this and has to come out and learn Australia."

Godspeed Kiddy godspeed.

IFL vs. WCL: Who Wins?

Ok, so you're probably looking above and saying, "Huh?". I know I would, but bear with me. Most likely due to the success of UFC and Pride fighting (and the sad state of boxing as we know it) there are now 2 different fighting "leagues" that are competing against each other. When I say league, I mean that there are teams of fighters, representing cities, states or regions, fighting for not just individual glory but team glory as well. Kinda like your high school wrestling team that wanted to beat all the other high schools for states.

These leagues are the World Combat League and the International Fight League. If you like hard hitting team sports but all thats on tv is baseball, these look like the place to go for all the hellacious ass-kicking one man needs to enjoy his Monday night.

But what is the discerning team sport and individual combat lover to do when they have to choose between the leagues? The Deuce is here to help with a breakdown of both leagues. We will figure out which one has the most to offer a fan who needs yet another team to root for in this crowded sports landscape.

Who Started This Extreme Awesomeness?
WCL - Chuck Norris started it in 2005. 'Nuff said.
IFL - Kurt Otto and Gareb Shamus...who? Otto is an architect and real estate developer and Shamus is founder and Chairman of Wizard Entertainment Group...a comic book related company.
ADVANTAGE: WCL - Come on, freakin Chuck Norris man! You cant not choose Chuck, Chuck Norris has two speeds: "kill" and "fuck your girlfriend".

Where Can I Show Up & Watch This With My Face Painted?
WCL - WCL currently has 8 teams, broken into two, 4 team conferences. The East (NY, Philly, Miami, & "New England") and the West (Oklahoma, Texas, Houston, and Los Angeles). Texas is so into its former ranger it needs two teams.
IFL - IFL currently has 12 teams (LA, Tokyo, New York, Portland, "Quad Cities", Seattle, Southern California [apparently different than LA], Reno, Toronto, Tuscon, San Jose, & Chicago) with no conference or divisional system in place.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - You gotta love a league with International in its title that actually is international. While its east coast presence leaves something to be desired with just two teams on the right side of the Mississippi (one being in Canada), you certainly have more to choose from.

Who Has The Most Ass-Kicking Team Names?
WCL - Went relatively safe with the team names, the most vicious and ass kicking of which is the Oklahoma DESTROYERS. Literally every other team name I seem to remember from Arena Soccer or Major Indoor Lacrosse...
IFL - Actual use of animals in team names! What a concept! More new teams/leagues should kick it old school this way. My favorite, you know it has to be the SILVERBACKS. Its a monkey you idiot.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - This league features team names you can actually have a mascot for instead of a mere concept like "Force". How do you have a mascot for a team named "Force"??

Which Has The Fighters That Can KILL In The Ring?
WCL - Every fighter has a nickname from Lawson “Meet Your Maker” Baker to Rami "Arabian Nightmare" Ibrahim, but not many people in this league you might recognize from first glance. Its all about the teams and NO ONE is bigger than the team...except CHUCK NORRIS, the most famous fighter in the league that doesn't ever fight.
IFL - Stars are abound in this league, but not in the form of th
e fighters, its from their famous coaches/instructors including: Pat Miletich, Renzo Gracie, Marco Ruas, and of course Ken & Frank Shamrock.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - In two leagues that are lacking in "name" fighters, the IFL brings the PAIN with the star coaches that in a pinch can kill ANYONE.

Which League Has Some Hotties For My Over Testosteroned Soul?
The women are not in the ring holding signs, they're fighting! You too can witness a cat-fight of epic proportions versus Jeri “Fists of Fury” Sitzes and Virginia "Jinny" Baker.
IFL - The women ARE in the ring holding signs...and they're pretty
ADVANTAGE: PUSH - Some like to watch women fight each other and jiggle...others like to watch women pose and smile while holding signs and jiggle. Tough call really.

What Channels Can I Watch Someone Bleed On TV?
Has a deal with Versus...formerly the Outdoor Life Network. This and the NHL are the biggies for this network
IFL - Has a deal with Fox Sports Network and My Network TV.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - You can watch this from your trailer with just a simple antenna if you wish.

Which Can Someone Actually Die In?
WCL - No Throws, No Takedowns, No Ground Fighting, No Clinching, No Holding, No Stalling, No Passivity. Its all strikes (Kicking, Punching and Kneeing) and no wrestling.
IFL - No elbows to the head, No kicking the head of downed opponent, No head butts, No groin strikes, No eye-gouging, No strikes to spine, No strikes to back of the head. Other than that, its anything goes, strikes or wrestling.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - Seems to follow the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) formula that fans of fighting seem to love with UFC and Pride fighting. WCL just seems to be a glorified kickboxing league.


Its not even close, the IFL is apparently the place to be to watch people get their bodies (unfortunately not skulls) kicked in despite the WCL having Chuck Norris. Badass team names, famous ultimate fighters from the past, and you can watch it all without pay-per view or even a cable connection. I am going to root for my Sliverbacks to dominate this year in the IFC...maybe even buy a t-shirt.

Have $8.9 Million to Burn?

Dwayne Wade has put his 11,000+ sq. ft. house up for sale in Miami and it is one hell of a pad. Your $8.9 million dollars gets you all of the artwork, furniture, memorabilia and STD's (if THIS rumor was true) that he's leaving behind in the place. get this fancy ass pool

You'd better believe if I'm buying this place, I'm draining and bleaching that primordial cesspool of a hot tub before I get in it.

Check out all the pictures of how someone far richer than you lives HERE

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Let The Muthaf**ka Burn

Fuck your couch, convict.

Luc Longley must have thought Bill Wennington was going to accept an Aussie cutting into his playing time. Nah playboy, Americans don't roll like that. Bill waited years to get his revenge like Mason Storm and it looks like he finally got it.

Luc Longley's house in Perth, Australia was destroyed in a fire last night. His family was in the house but Luc managed to get everyone out. No babies were eaten by dingos.

Other suspects include Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, the Energizer guy and the lead singer from Midnight Oil. Our money's on Bill.

Grease Me Up Woman, I'm Going In

Zeferino Jackson of Black Sports Online had the opportunity to travel to Puerto Rico to observe Oscar de la Hoya in training for his May fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. Let's just say that while his training methods are old school, they're also a bit...well, interesting.

Here are some of the highlights:

5 AM - 5 mile run that often ends up in de la Hoya running in a Mets baseball hat, speedos and running shoes with no socks

7:00-8:30 AM - Chase chickens

3:00-4:00 PM - "Family time with wife Millie Corretjer. According to one of Oscar’s entourage, Oscar enjoys non-ejaculatory sex with wife (rejuvenates the spirit). Freddie Roach does not discourage sexual contact during training as long as the fighter does not climax or reach orgasm. Roach declined to comment on exactly what Oscar does from 3:00pm to 4:00pm but he did share this: 'Let’s just say, when a fighter is pent up from having sex with no release, this increases his aggression and ferocity in the ring. This is why Manny is champ right now and this is why Floyd Mayweather’s getting knocked out on Cinco de Mayo..'"

8:00-9:00 PM - "Freddie Roach performs the full nude body greasedown massage technique on Oscar de la Hoya while fight strategy is discussed ... In my opinion, Freddie Roach is the least adept as his Parkinson’s affected hands don’t seem to allow him to perform the gentlest massage. For those not familiar with the deeper fundamentals of boxing training, the full nude body greasedown consists of the trainer rubbing a combination of oil, vinegar, and sometimes salt over the completely nude body of a boxer. This seems to increase concentration and cause a bond between the fighter and the trainer."

9:00-10:00 PM - "Freddie Roach has Oscar de la Hoya and the sparring partners go for a swim in a special thermal pool designed to relax the muscles and allow them to recuperate faster from the day’s training. Only fighters and trainers are allowed in the pool and no clothing or any type of swimwear is allowed while swimming. Freddie Roach supervises the swimming and I am informed that he also serves as a lifeguard during this. The environment is completely professional and not paramount to 'skinny dipping' as some in Floyd Mayweather’s camp have alluded to."

I don't even know where to start with this but I'll go with non-ejaculatory sex for $800, Alex.

"Hey, Millie. Hey, Millie! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man."

If de la Hoya doesn't win this fight (which he has no chance of doing), he should just end himself. Getting greased up by a guy with Parkinson's and giving yourself blue balls every day is no way to go through life.

But, But . . . You're Brown!

As I type, Bangladesh is defending 251 against the Sethaffrikens, and have them 4-67 after 20 overs. And de Villiers, Smith, and Kallis represent three of the wickets. You gotta think that it's going to be nigh impossible for the Saffers to rebound from their atrocious start, especially with two of their three best batsmen retired to the pavilion. (I'll take Gibbs over Kallis any day in a one-day -- Kallis just isn't aggressive enough.) (UPDATE: SA are 8-140 after 39. And while Gibbs is still in the middle, this one is just about over.)

Who says that the minnows aren't fun? Do you real think that an old, cranky, and divided India could have rocked SA like this? All credit to your 2011 World Cup champs, Bangladesh. Even if they do manage to lose today, they've shown that they can compete with the big boys. But damn, Mushfiqur Rahim is a mouthy wicketkeeper. Makes Nixon look like a shrinking violet. Sort of the Leo Getz to Bashar's Murtaugh and Tamim Iqbal's Riggs.

In other news, Chimp Rage and I attended our first Nats game of the year last night. It's going to be a loooooong season. I really believe that the Nats could lose 120 games. And it doesn't help when you've got a mediocre journeyman like Chris Snelling who feels the need to repeat his OC ritual of 1) Unwrapping and wrapping gloves; 2) Tapping each cleat once; 3) Making a cross on the plate before each pitch. Especially in light of the fact that he seems to take time after every other pitch. That means 50% more ritual. And that means longer, yet still ultimately futile, at-bats. And that means longer, and even more painful, games.


Thursday, April 5, 2007

West Virgina Leaves Every Child Behind

There's something to be said about striving for a perfect graduation rate. It appears that West Virginia has it backwards and is shooting for a graduation rate of zero percent. Maybe the signs were in the air when West Virginia players wore their misspelled NIT championship shirts.

Bob Huggins is leaving Kansas State to become the new coach of West Virginia after John Beilein left to take the Michigan job.

It's obvious that West Virginia has no interest in its basketball players graduating from college. The incarceration and recidivism rates will surely increase and put WVU at #1 in the AP and ESPN/USA Today polls if those are taken into account.

As one might imagine, Kansas State isn't very happy with Huggy.
"I asked him, 'Bob, do you think leaving now is the right thing to do?' And he said, 'No,"' athletic director Tim Weiser said at a news conference. "Then I said, 'How many times in your life have you known what the right thing is to do and not done it?' And he said, 'Never."'
Why don't I believe him? That would be like driving under the influence when you know you shouldn't. Huggy would never do that.

I Predict A Riot

Watching the people get lairy
It's not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
It's not very sensible either
A friend of a friend he got beaten
He looked the wrong way at a policeman

Roman police added injury to insult after Manchester United's 2-1 Champions League loss to Roma by opening up a can of whupass on United supporters who were fighting with Roma ultras.

Of course each side blamed the other for starting the fracas. Luckily, trustworthy, non-partisan observers stepped forward to settle the argument. If there's anyone we can trust, it's an Italian politician.
Italian Economy ministry under-secretary Paolo Cento, who also chairs a club of Roma supporters in parliament, said the blame lay with the English club - which had warned travelling fans that they could be attacked in Rome - rather than with the police.

'It was Manchester that a few days before the match created a mood of tension, talking of a city of violence and danger,' Cento told ANSA news agency.

'Now the English club must apologise to Rome and Italy, rather than asking for (Prime Minister Tony) Blair to intervene.'
Oh that's right, warning fans of a potential beatdown caused the fans to start to riot. "Well nothing's happened yet. We might as well get the beatdown out of the way."

United manager Sir Alex "I Predict A Riot" Ferguson played the role of Nostradamus the day before the match. "Hopefully, everything will be okay tomorrow. I don't anticipate trouble but the Italian police are very experienced and I think they can deal with it."


How To Make It Rain

The Deuce has been able to get its hands on video of Pacman Jones from the strip club and his subsequent trial. This is a step by step lesson on how real playas ball.

How is it that Pacman goes to trial faster than R. Kelly? He should have pissed on the stripper.

Roger Goodell should let bygones be bygones and let the justice system sort this out. The man's been through enough already. He stoppped talking to local Nashville media after deciding that "Nashvillians had judged him unfairly because of his appearance". Yeeeeah that's it, playboy.

Video courtesy of The Last Boss.

Monday, April 2, 2007 Chanel

This is actually for sale at Chanel stores. What douche is going to purchase this ball for $195 and actually use it on the field? Can you imagine how quickly everyone will gang up to take out a knee? Better yet, what even bigger douche is going to purchase this ball for $195, not to use it at all, actually believing it is going to become a collectors item? I mean, an autographed football by Pac-Man Jones is a collectors item, who knows how long that assclown is going to be playing.

The only guy I can see buying this is P. Diddy or Puff or whatever he's called right now, maybe Birdman, or Jay-Z. Pretty much the only demographic that is purchasing this ball is "rap mogul" who has bought every obscenely expensive yet utterly worthless materialistic, ego boosting piece of shit out there...until now.

This is just an atrocity that never should have existed.

Link - From the New York Times through

Cricket & Hotties Like Bread & Baloney

Since our resident cricket expert Trapper John has been in Australia for the past week, the cricket posts have been, shall we say, lacking. So to fill the void I have taken it upon myself to show you some cricket footage. That is, footage of hot ass women playing bikinis. Might be NSFW due to amount of women bouncing and jiggling happening here. Happy Monday to you all.

Thanks to the good people at Spiked Humor for this.