Monday, November 10, 2008

Old And Busted: Jared Lorenzen. New Hotness: 305-Pound High School Quarterbacks

"I love food. That's what it's all about for me.''

Great day in the morning. No, sweet baby jesus. This could be the most awesome story I've ever read and may ever read today. Ellenville High QB Tony Casamento is leading his team to the promised land which is a sectional title. He's doing while tipping the scales at 305 pounds.

The new Pillsbury Throwboy blames it on slow metabolism. No one is going to care how or why as long as Casamento keeps winning. His team is on the verge of winning the sectional title after he led them to a 56-13 win over their semifinal opponent.

Casamento's talking about a career as a high school coach or broadcaster. His teammates call him "the next John Madden". Do we really need another broadcaster who rambles incoherently while yelling "Boom!" and waving a turducken leg around like a drunken Viking? I think not. This kid's success could open the door for a new breed of quarterback. First it was the black quarterback. Doug Williams showed it could be done. Now is the time for the Quarter Got Backs. He needs to stop selling himself short like a British kid trying to be an astronaut and take his act to college and the pros.** Who could front on The Biggest Show on Turf?

Varsity 845 via Fark

** If that doesn't make sense to you, check your favorite tranny comedian's Dressed to Kill. It probably doesn't work even if you do get the reference. Eh.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Like Peter on Family Guy, but as the QB instead of the center.