Friday, September 28, 2007

It Doesn't Work On So Many Levels

Surely you noticed the rash (no pun intended) of groin injuries in sports. No? Vinny Iyer of the Sporting News has all the info you'll ever want on groin injuries.

"The best way I can describe it is it felt like somebody bungee jumped off my right (testicle)."
--Ken Griffey Jr.

The casualty list is quite impressive. Steve McNair, Ken Griffey Jr., Stephen Jackson, Tavaris Jackson, John Lynch and Santana Moss among others.

It's About Time Hockey Figured It Out

Four fights in the first period. This is how you get me to pay attention to hockey.

They might want to consider releasing a panther or puma on the ice during power play situations to make things more interesting.

Super! Thanks For Asking!

Tim Hardaway loves the gays. In fact he prefers it if you call him Big Gay Tim.

Unlike Isiah Washington, Hardaway decided to send himself to gayhab and it appears to be taking. In case you forgot, he told the world that he hated gay people when asked how he would have felt about having a gay teammate. David Stern responded by tossing him out of Vegas and banning him from participating in any All-Star weekend activities.

Since then, Hardaway was encouraged by the backlash to his comments to get his learn on and deal with his homophobia. He's been working with the YES Institute which "works to prevent youth suicide and ensure the healthy development of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth".
"I just wanted to go in and get educated, that's all. Get educated on what I said and why I said those things," Hardaway said Thursday in an interview with The Associated Press. "I'm working on understanding it now. I'm not really trying to make amends. I've been there trying to get help."

"I had no idea how much I hurt people," said Hardaway, who spent most of his NBA career with the Golden State Warriors and Miami Heat, and still makes his home in South Florida. "A lot of people."
Give the man some credit. At least he didn't pull a Mark Foley and claim that he was an alcoholic.

He's been working with the institute on the DL so that it would seem like a publicity stunt or quick-fix. Employees of the institute have praised Hardaway for his progress and continuing work with the kids.

Director Martha Fugate said that Hardaway was "so genuine" and said she was suprised at "how real" their relationship became with him. That's so Real World of them.

Seriously, Hardaway is doing exactly what he should be doing. Most people especially athletes never respond in a positive manner to criticism about homophobic, racist or sexist comments. In fact, they never realize why people are upset in the first place. He might want to get some of his fellow NBA players to join him and see the effects that prejudice can have on people especially the shorties.

You Can Get A Good Look At A Cowboy's Ass By Sticking Your Head Up There

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Bucked In The Stinkeye

It must be nice living in Columbus, Ohio. Slow pace of life than in the big city. The Scioto River never catches on fire. You can actually buy a case of beer or five good minutes with a hooker for $20. No wonder Money magazine named it the 8th best large city to live in the US.

I'm sure all the above reasons are why Ohio State QB Antonio Henton decided to attend the Ohio State University. I'm sure the $20 sex was the clincher. Too bad no one told him that you shouldn't try to get it from a cop.

Henton was arrested on Monday for soliciting a cop to have sex for $20. He pleaded not guilty on Tuesday. He could receive up to six months in jail and a $1000 fine but most times, a small fine is usually the penalty.

Maybe he should have showed his student ID with the $20 in order to get the Student Advantage discount.

After The Rextacy Is Gone

What used to be right is wrong. Stand at attention for the 21 Sex Cannon salute.

If I were Griese, I'd watch out for roofies at his next cookout. He doesn't want to make sweet love to his driveway again and end up back on the bench.

Just A Bit Outside

Maybe this has been posted before but it's the first time we've seen it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Leave Jose Alone

Why Aren't You The Suckiest Suck That Ever Sucked

You tried your best and you wildly succeeded. The lesson is "never try". That's the lesson if you coach basketball at Our Savior Lutheran in the Bronx.

Basketball coach Oswald Cross was fired after four years in charge for being too good.
"I was shocked," said Cross, who has coached at his alma mater for four years. "They said they were going in a different direction with the program, to focus on intramurals."
The school is a small private school that according to the Daily News has quickly turned into a city powerhouse. This is unacceptable for the school's administration. Perhaps they think they can attract worse players if they have the top intermural program in the city.
"I like Mr. Cross personally, but I think there was a difference in philosophies," OSL admissions director Rev. Paul Sauer said. "He was making the team into a national powerhouse and the school - we are a very small school - did not have the resources or abilities to support that."
It seems Sauer didn't inform Cross that part of his duties would consist of continuing a proud tradition of not being very good at all.

Sauer had no comment on the rumor that Our Savior is considering buying out Tim Floyd's contract and bringing him to the Bronx. If they're unsuccessful in their pursuit of Floyd, they can always go after Isiah Thomas.

Is It A Fight If No One Watches

Welcome back NHL. We didn't notice you left. How rude of us.

Video courtesy of

Another Goldie Boy Production

Fishnets give Oscar de la Hoya the freedom of movement that he so desperately wants and needs. Maybe he thinks they'll give him the advantage he needs to beat Ricky Hatton.

de la Hoya isn't letting Goldiegate stop him from pushing for a matchup between him and Ricky Hatton. He intends to fight three more times before hanging the gloves and high heels up for good.
"I'm used to fighting once a year. I'm at the tail-end of my career but I feel that if I can have one tune-up fight first, get the ring-rust out of me, get into the rhythm of things, then I can have two other big fights in May and September."
In order for this to happen, Hatton has to beat Floyd Mayweather Jr. in November. He seems to have forgetten all the talk about a rematch with Mayweather. Guess he thinks the boxing world isn't ready to see boxers in sequins and fishnets fight each other.
Strangé playboy Strangé.

Monday, September 24, 2007

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

You think you know match-fixing, Tim Donaghy? Please. You have nothing on African sport. When it comes to corruption and Africa, quality is job #1.

Bamboutos FC captain Koss Roger faked an injury during a match against Federal FC. While he was being attended to by medical personnel, a medic handed him an envelope containing cash in front of match officials and fans. Roger then handed the envelope of Federal SC captain Nkoun a Rim.

Rim played his role and was involved in an incident that led to Bamboutos' third and winning goal.

Fuck all that undercover bullshit. That's how you bribe somebody! You get right up on the muthafucka and blam! Rock-a-bye, baby!

Happy Days Are Here Again

It's not so bad. It's like the good old days where Chelsea hovered around in the top half of the table. Always teasing you but eventually breaking your heart. At least we'll dump all the new plastics and they can return to the red tide fold where they belong.

I've refrained from commenting on the disaster that is Chelsea over the past week. I've gone through several stages over the loss of Jose Mourinho such as anger, grief and confusion. The loss of the Special One was bad enough but the pain was doubled when rumors came out that captain and supposed Jose apprentice John Terry was the one that landed the kill shot.

In an move straight out of Revenge of the Sith, Anakin Terry allegedly went above Jose's head to management after he found out that Jose had checked with the medical staff to find out why his form was off. This infuriated Terry and word of the dispute reached Satan otherwise known as Peter Kenyon. This was all the evidence Chancellor Abramovich needed to get rid of Jose.

"You were the chosen one!"
"I hate you!!"

Nooooooo!!! It would seem the alleged heart of Chelsea has joined the dark side. However he denies that he was the "turncoat" and is considering legal action to stop the claims.

Fast forward to Sunday's match vs. Manchester United and the debut of Slithe otherwise known as Avram Grant. The match resulted in a 2-0 defeat for Chelsea. Although the match was ruined by the ref, Chelsea looked useless and only attempted one shot on goal the entire match. Jose could have done that. The loss cost Roman GBP 8M (amount of Jose's buyout).

The drama didn't limit itself to the field. Marco Van Basten and Sven-Goran Eriksson were sitting near Abramovich and his gaggle of yes-men. The arrival of the current Netherlands coach would somewhat ease the pain. Could Sven be making nice with Roman this early? Does Chelsea have better secretaries than Citeh? We can only hope that Grant has a terrible run continuing with Hull on Wednesday. The more he loses, the faster someone new and better comes in to take the helm.

Did we mention that Grant's wife thinks drinking her own piss will bring all the boys to the yard?

The times are ill.

Why Won't You Stay Dead?

It's a shame that professional athletes don't know when to walk away for good. Tie Domi has definitely lost his fighting edge. It's just embarrassing. Islanders fans can only hope that the team isn't on the hook for millions of dollars.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I Am The Lion

Goldie says "Rawr!". While Oscar was off being dominated and working the hell out of some fishnets (I'll never look at them the same again), Floyd Mayweather Jr. was trying to man up in England. He was probably worried about how he'd look dancing in seaquins on Dancing with the Stars. He's definitely in the clear now.

Mayweather was given a big "Who Are Ya?" in Manchester while promoting his upcoming fight with Ricky Hatton. He wore a Manchester United jersey in order to piss off Hatton's fans. Hatton is a declared Manchester City supporter. Not quite as good as wearing the sombrero while entering the ring against de la Hoya but strong nonetheless. It's the attention to detail.

Sky Sports News was there to cover the hero's welcome.

I don't know about you but I can't wait until the press conference of the Mayweather-de la Hoya rematch. It's hard to believe that Mayweather hasn't been all over Goldiegate.

Photo: Courtesy of SportsByBrooks and X17.

Friday, September 21, 2007

100% Injury Rate's and Deuce's Straight Up NFL Weekly Beatdown Contest

Its on like Donkey Kong bitches. 100% Injury Rate's WCK and I, Chimpanzee Rage, are battling it out in the field of football prognosticating excellence. In other words, we're going head to head in picking NFL games straight up, no spread. That's right, its "100% Injury Rate's and Deuce of Davenport's Straight Up NFL Weekly Beatdown Contest".

Every Friday, 100% Injury Rate and your favorite douchebag bloggers, Deuce of Davenport, will have our picks available for all you degenerates gambleholics to discuss, dissect and disseminate while we will go mano a mano in a fight to the death...every week. Well ok, not really death.

What are we playing for you ask? Simple. The loser each week will have to do something he certainly does not want to do, unless we tie, then we both do it because neither one of us want to kiss our sisters.

This week, since its just the beginning, we'll start off easy...the loser of the NFL pick'em must defend the below image in a blog post on their site:

Ok...we'll that won't be fun. Look down for THIS WEEK'S PICKS..and let the beatdown commence!!

Week 3 Picks: 100% Injury Rate's and Deuce's Straight Up NFL Weekly Beatdown Contest

Here's the picks folks. The battle begins, in Week 3. Do let me know how wrong or right you think I am. Favorites are named first:

Indy @ Hou - No Andre Johnson = Loss - COLTS
NE v. Buffalo - The Bills are teh suxxor - PATRIOTS
NYJ v. Miami - I'll go with Trent Green on this one - DOLPHINS
Philly v Detroit - I smell 0-3 coming!!! - LIONS
Pitts v. San Fran - Big Ben keeps on ticking - STEELERS
TB v. STL - Rams finally get right - RAMS
SD @ GB - Pack's luck finally runs out - CHARGERS
Balt. v. Ariz - Leinart actually dies in this game - RAVENS
KC v. Minn - Um..wait...who is the Vikings qb now? - CHIEFS
OAK v. Cle. - This is not game of the week material - RAIDERS
Sea v. Cinci - Palmer is gonna light up the 'hawks - BENGALS
Den. v. Jax - Cutler wont do so well against this D - JAGUARS
Car @ ATL - Panthers roll easy on this one - PANTHERS
Wash v. NYG - Area 51 will injure everyone - REDSKINS
Chi v. Dal - Daaaa Bears shut down Romo & Co. - BEARS
N.O. v. Tenn - And the Saints...lose again - TITANS

Check out 100%'s picks here and compare. God, they are going DOWN!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Bill Belichick 's Got Ruthless Aura

Rose Rosetree proclaims to be able to read people's aura just by looking at a picture of them. Recently, she took a look at maligned New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick during his "apology" he made for video-taping the Jets sidelines. Here's what she has to say:
Verbal integrity (at the throat chakra): Speaking, Belicheck scores 10 out of 10 for integrity. He’s clearly a warmhearted guy, larger than life, very enthusiastic and an expressive individual who can’t help letting his passions show.

Power integrity (at the solar plexus chakra): Well, here’s where the coach scores a 7 out of 10. What really stands out is the man’s craftiness. In contrast to his personality, where he seems hale and hearty, intellectually how the man can scheme! His thinking is highly analytical. Besides being an absolutely cunning problem solver, there’s a ruthlessness that must serve him well in his sport. Normally, he would be very careful not to cross the line into anything outright wrong, but watch him put his toe right up to that line.

Spiritual integrity (at the third eye chakra): No, this isn’t just about church attendance. Spiritual integrity is a really important component to read in a person. George W. Bush, for instance, has his very worst integrity score in this department, which is saying something (and I DID, long before he first began to occupy the White House). How does Belicheck connect to his personal source of inspiration? Give him another 10 out of 10. Think all the best qualities of big, bouncy puppy. The man doesn’t have a hypocritical bone in his body. No wonder he had the grace to mouth more than the current cliché “I accept responsibility” and use the big A word, “apologize.”

She claims to not know anything about football, nor who Belichick really is other than the Patriots head coach who made a statement that she read and is a bit of controversy, so take that for what its worth. I do like that she calls him a big bouncy puppy. I mean, that really is the first thing I think of when I see him on the sidelines looking like someone just took a dump on his hot new wife.

The telling part is that in the "Power Integrity" section she says he is an "absolutely cunning problem solver, there’s a ruthlessness that must serve him well" and "he would be very careful not to cross the line into anything outright wrong, but watch him put his toe right up to that line". Maybe this aura thing is worth looking into.

If you're interested in more, check out her site, she does OJ Simpson as well.

From Rose Rosetree
Image not of Rose

We Are In Favor of This

There is nothing like two women fighting in a ring, especially when one of them has GIGANTIC breasts. I am not sure if this is MMA or wrestling or what, and I dont care. The only way this could be better is if Jeanne beat the hell out of Ninja with just her breasts...ahh a man can dream, can't he?

Kenny Bell Needs Your Help

We've all seen or played Madden '08 and marveled at the life-like moves of Reggie Bush and Chad Johnson in fully rendered CGI glory. A lot of those moves we watch and are astounded by were all provided by one man, Kenny Bell...and believe it or not, he has never even been invited to an NFL training camp.

Kenny Bell is a 5'9 wide receiver who can run a 4.33/40 with a 39 inch vertical and played collegiate football at Hofstra (where Wayne Chebret is from) after the University of Washington went under NCAA sanctions and his scholarship was revoked, but he has yet to get a shot at the big-time. The closest Kenny's gotten to the pro's is 989 Sports' football video games and the Madden series.

The OC register interviewed the poor guy and he had this to say:
"I kept on thinking, 'Any day now, I'll get a chance to prove what I know I can do,'"

Kenny Bell graduated in 2002, has made a DVD of himself catching passes from Josh Booty and has a letter of recommendation from Jeff Garcia that states "He has shown me the talent and the skill to play on the professional level." The horrible thing is this poor guy still carries around both wherever he goes, just on the off chance that someone...anyone...will give him a shot with a professional football team. Just a tryout, a practice, something to show a professional scout what he can do.

Its really kinda sad. There's gotta be some team out there that can give this kid a tryout. He's got the speed and the vertical, someone could see something in him, or at least tell him what he doesn't have to make it into the pros. The guy is stuck in limbo, wondering if he'll ever just get one chance to prove he can or cannot make it as a professional football player.

I wonder, if anyone give this guy a chance or has time, bad-timing, and extraordinarily bad luck has conspired to ruin all of Kenny Bell's dreams. One thing is for sure, he will be immortalized forever in those Madden games. Every time i see a receiver stretch to grab a ball or get the hell knocked out of him so bad that he goes down in one of those helicopter blade spinning hits...I will remember that the guy that took that hit was Kenny Bell.

From The OC Register

OJ's Attorney Has A Big Fan

I love these clips of OJ Simpson's attorney just constantly getting interrupted by the toothless guy to his left. His facial expressions and interruptions are priceless. He acts like he must be the president of the OJ Simpson fan club. Just hilarious. Fan IQ has the dirt on him "The man standing behind Yale Galanter, O.J. Simpson's lawyer, is Jake Byrd, a comedian who can sometimes be seen on Bill Simmons' friend Jimmy's television show (that would be Jimmy Kimmel Live)." Fantastic!

Hat tip FanIQ

The Constitutional Vol. 19

We're back again with the best link dump that we have to offer, which really aint much. But here's a bunch of shit that we found that we loved, found interesting, thought was hilarious, or just couldn't be stolen and made into a blog post of our own. Thats right, I said it...Welcome to the Constitutional.
  • Donovan McNabb responds to criticism from his HBO appearance. Yardbarker Blogs

  • Houston Texans' Longsnapper Bryan Pittman is a pretty interesting guy. Houstoned Ballz

  • Here is everything you've ever wanted to know about every Texas football stadium...all of em.

  • Hines Ward might just be an evil criminal mastermind. Epic Carnival

  • Oliver Miller is my new favorite Redskins fan. Hogs Haven

  • This video gave me cancer just watching it. More Credible

  • 100% Injury Rate brings you...The Panty Shot show. Wait...this isn't sports? 100% Injury Rate

  • Pay your respects to the Washington Generals dammit! Scott Van Pelt Style

  • Campus life for Michelle Wie ain't so bad. Golf Talk

  • This is a pretty badass t-shirt for Chris Cooley. I might need to get one. Mr. Irrelevant

Eagles Fans Take Their Losses Badly

This guy is the Hater and he is most upset about the Eagles 0-2 start to the season. From the video, this is a high quality production by The Hater kinda runs out of steam in the middle of this, it must be tough to yell for nearly 3 minutes straight, but I'm most impressed that he can read his script with just one eye. The glorious moment in this video is when he literally switches paper bags at around the 3:45 mark and is now a screaming Phillies fan screaming for them to "MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!". Philadelphia sports fans have some passion for their losers I tells ya.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fantasy Football Drinking Game!!

We at the Deuce are big fans of drinking . We are also playing a bit of the fantasy football this year. I figured, the time has come to marry the two into a perfect union of football and alcoholism and create, the fantasy football drinking game. This game is sure to get you drunk as a skunk, so long as your team is actually good. If your team sucks, not only will you lose your fantasy game...but you'll lose and still be sober, maintaining your normal sad outlook on this shitty world we live in. Its quite easy to pick up, and live scoring is a must here's the rules:

  • Every 10 yds RB/WR/TE = 1 shot/drink of beer

  • TD scored = 1 pint/can chugged

  • Every 20 yds QB = 1 shot/drink of beer

  • INT/Fumble lost = 1 shot of liquor of choice

  • X-point = SOCIAL! Everyone take 1 shot/drink of beer

  • FG = 1 pint/can chugged (you shoulda scored a TD you pussy)

  • Sack = 1 shot of liquor of choice

  • Safety scored = 1 pint/can chugged

  • Player ends game with a yardage amount ending in 9 (meaning you were 1 yard away from 1 more point) = 1 shot of liquor of your choice

  • Player out of game due to injury/ejection = 1 shot of liquor of your choice

  • Starting a player on a bye week = 1 pint/can chugged immediately, dumbass

  • Start Rex Grossman = 1 shot of liquor of your choice (you will need it)

  • Complain about not starting someone lighting up the scoreboard on your bench = 1 pint/can chugged...and quit your whining bitch!

  • Rooting for a team going against your favorite team so you can score more fantasy points = 1 pint/can chugged (you don't EVER root against your team)
Addendum: Game can be reversed if actual fantasy football opponent is in the room drinking with you. All team scoring actions are then switched to drinking when the other team scores points. That way if you lose at football, you will so drunk that you won't remember your sad defeat...until the next morning when you're hungover.

Got any more suggestions?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Piecurious: Ray Lewis' Full Moon BBQ

Professional athletes often have no idea what to do with their money. Some invest wisely like Robbie Fowler or Magic Johnson. Others blow their money on child support like Travis Hen....never mind. There are those who invest in clubs like Cliff Levingston and Dennis Rodman. I suppose there's also dogfighting, drug rings and NASCAR. A large percentage of past and present athletes such as Chris Chelios and Michael Vick decide to invest in bars and restaurants.

From time to time, the Deuce will take one for the team and review these athlete-owned or sponsored establishments. First up is Ray Lewis' Full Moon BBQ in Baltimore.

I'm available to take wedding and funeral pictures with my cell phone.

You can always tell that a restaurant is popular with the local gentry when you walk in on a Saturday night and see only two tables taken and no one at the bar. Unfortunately, we got to the Canton restaurant around 9:30-10:00 at night so we had to get carry-out. Well that's not exactly the reason why we didn't stay. Redonkulous 1.0 and I would have stayed except we noticed a sign stating that an 18% gratuity would be added to all bills after 9:00. Fuck that. I already heard stories and there was no way I was gonna put 18% down if said rumors were true. Maybe my tip would be to tell the waitress not to stand up in a canoe or look into the sun.

I ordered the chicken and rib combo along with mac and cheese and greens. Redonkulous 1.0 ordered the BBQ chicken with greens and mashed potatoes. After arriving back at the lair, we proceeded to dig into our meals. I was disappointed as soon as I opened the box. The chicken portion was fine in terms of size but the rib portion looked as though it came off a Darfurian pig. My disappointment was soon confirmed when I took a bite and the meat slid off the bone. Usually this is a good thing but it's not when the meat is dry and the sauce is flavorless. Hickory slow cooked my ass. There was definitely no reason to stab and twist the meat off the bone Buckhead style.

The same applied to the chicken. While the portion was ample, the sauce had little flavor and was somewhat reminiscent of the BBQ they used to serve in my college dining hall. Devoid of flavor. If I had to guess, I would bet they used Hunt's or Aldi-brand BBQ sauce. I wouldn't be surprised if it was mostly ketchup.

The sides were possibly the only thing that saved the meal besides the Ray Lewis bobble head. The greens were flavorful and had the requisite chunks of chicken (rice and stuffing macaroni and cheese and Santa put gifts under Christmas trees). The mashed ppotatoes were light and fluffy. The mac and cheese was a bit chalky but tasty. Adding leftover BBQ sauce was improved it slightly. I was looking for any positive I could find. The chow-chow portions should be larger as this was the best part of the meal.

While we didn't have time to sample the other entrees on the menu, I don't see myself going back to do any followup. While it isn't the worst BBQ I've ever had, its bland, corporate nature puts it on the level of Applebee's and Chili's.

Rating: 1 Getaway Limo

* The shirt says "What time is it? GAME TIME!! Any ribs in the house??". I may go back just to buy one of these.

You Can Enter Area 51, But You May Never Leave


Everyone might be talking about Jason Campbell's "coming of age" performance last night in the Redskins 20-12 win over the Eagles, but I think it was really LaRon Landry's coming out party. The rookie nearly ended the game on a missed, diving, interception late in the fourth quarter. That was upsetting to LaRon one must figure, so he did the only thing he could do, he later absolutely unloaded on Philly wide receiver Kevin Curtis, forcing him to drop a perfect McNabb pass, preventing a 1st down and guaranteeing the Redskins victory. Landry was also 2nd on the team in tackles with 7 (6 solo) and even got a 1/2 a sack as a bonus. Sean Taylor was 4th in tackles with 5, including a couple devastating blows to the Iggles receivers. They got the message, if you go into Area 51, you will be killed.

Other bright points for the Redskins win were the play of 2nd year LB, Rocky McIntosh who lead the team in tackles and had a sack, Jason Campbell's entirely capable performance which was marred only by one truly bad interception, and Shaun Suisham is still perfect on the season kicking field goals.

The bad for the 'Skins, no Redskins running back has topped 100 yards in a game, Betts was outrushed by Campbell on the same number of carries, the offensive line's depth is being tested, 2 games, 2 starters down.

All together, the offense and defense weren't always pretty, but both were effective. The Defense was in total "bend but don't break" mode for most the 4th quarter, allowing McNabb to hit his checkdowns and drive the ball up the field. The offense needs Campbell to be more accurate on his throws, sailing balls over peoples heads on short and long throws alike (he missed a wide open Moss on what woulda been a 64 yarder). Effective wins in the NFL, so long as the other team makes more mistakes than you.

As for the Eagles, what can you say, McNabb didn't look right all game, the Eagles receivers suck, their defense has no playmakers in the backfield other than Dawkins and their blitzing schemes are not working at all (1 sack). Westbrook is the only standout on this time right now and they have to figure out whatever magic they had the last year when they started 0-2 if they want to get back to the playoffs again.

This homer of a Redskins fan is one happy guy...AREA 51 FOREVER!!!!!!

This Bat is Magic!

I think someone could try this a hundred times and never, ever do it again. This happened during the Mets/Braves game on the 12th. Cool...

UPDATE: Looks like the guys at HomeRunDerby beat me to posting this by like a half's their post. Good posting speed fellas! Cheers

Monday, September 17, 2007

Week of the Underdog: NFL Week 2 Wrapup

Week 2 is almost done, and the roundup is all you're getting today, sorry kids. Myself, I was eating grilled meat by the truckload and sucking down cold beers for most the day yesterday, Mustafa was on the train from Bawlmer back up to the NYC...then got sucked into going out upon his arrival in the big apple. Needless to say, no work on the blog was done. So here's what I can do while going around the firewall at work. The Redskins and the Eagles play tonight, and you best believe that I am going to be stone cold sober for this one. That's right, not drunk at all. I am not even going out. I am locking myself away in my apartment and studiously watching the game. Its a big matchup, first NFC east game for both teams. Should be brutal. I may live-blog...or i may rip a bunch of cds to my mp3 player. We shall see.

Lets wrap up Week 2 right now, story of the week...only 3 favorites covered the spread. Vegas and bookmakers are very happy this morning:

Jacksonville 13, Atlanta 7
Underdog covered the spread - Jacksonville's defense comes back alive and Atlanta's offense looks just as shitty as it should. Harrington is obviously not the answer, yet the team wont do anything about it. Staying the course is only gonna get these guys a 1st round draft pick in the top 5. WTF happened to MJD and Fragile Freddy? Why are the Jaguars trying to become the greatest show in the south with their aerial attack? Del Rio is trying to justify Garrard as the QB...he doesn't have to, just play your game man, run that ball.

Houston 34, Carolina 21
Underdog won - Houston is coming alive! Kubiak and Schaub make for a perfect mix. Efficient QB play, solid ground game with the veteran (ie: old) Ahman Green and Ron Dayne (yea i said it! he had more carries than Green, watch out fantasy footballers!). AJ is a beast, no one can stop him. Carolina played with 1/2 an offense, their ground game ground to a halt. Can't win that way boys. MAN THE FUCK UP! RUN THE BALL! There is a theme here already.

Tampa Bay 31, New Orleans 14
Underdog won - The hell is wrong in New Orleans? What didnt they do before this season? If you get railed by the buccaneers, there is a serious flaw in your team. Their safeties got eaten alive by Galloway and their offense, for the 2nd week, was pure shit. Colston came alive this week tho, so ya know, they got that going for them. What happened to Reggie Bush? Its never good when the 2nd coming is being out performed by Lamont Jordan.

Pittsburgh 26, Buffalo 3
Favorite beat the spread - Pittsburgh is rolling, there is no stopping Big Ben Roethliwindhieldbrokemyfuckingfacesberger unless you're the windshield of a car he's running into. He didn't have to beat Buffalo this game though, the ground attack was in full force with big play Willie Parker pounding it home like Ron Jeremy. JP Losman...GOD you suck and you sound like a little girl when you talk. How does anyone on the team respect you? The only playmaker on this team is the rookie Marshawn Lynch.

Green Bay 35, N.Y. Giants 13
Underdog won - Elisha and Lorenzen both get knocked out of the game, strong performance by the Packers D. I love that fat fuck Jared Lorenzen however...he needs to play more. I cannot help but giggle every time that guy wobbles back to throw the ball. Somehow with the ancient Brett Farve leading the way, the Pack is 2-0 with 2 wins against NFC East teams...all with zero running game to speak of. No runner has gone over 50 yards in a game for them yet. They are defying the laws of football will come back to haunt them.

San Francisco 17, St. Louis 16
Underdog won - What happened to the Rams? They had offensive line problems last year, with Pace out, and were fine?! This year, their line can't open a hole for Jackson in the least. SJax has yet to top 100 yards in a game...shit he barely has 100 yards on the season! They are in trouble...meanwhile the 49ers are teasing us with their performance...I think they look better than they are. Watch for a disappointing 2nd half outta them, not their time yet.

Indianapolis 22, Tennessee 20
Underdog covered the spread - I don't understand how this game was this close. The Colts are twice as talented as the titans, yet somehow, they win by only 2 points. Perhaps its a case of Indy playing down to their opponent, or the Titans are really not that far away from being a decent team. Solid D, someone every week is running the ball well and every week Vince Young learns a little more about passing the ball. If they ever get some receivers, watch out league.

Cleveland 51, Cincinnati 45
Underdog won - Derek Fucking Anderson! When did he start playing football? The only relevant Derek Anderson has been toiling away in the NBA the last few years. Who the fuck is this guy trying to become the new face of Derek Anderson? The Bengals should never lose when Palmer throws 6 TD's, its a fact, look it up, but they did and now my world is ruined. I dont know anything anymore...

Denver 23, Oakland 20 (OT)
Underdog covered the spread - Oakland is better than some might think, they wont win much, but they will play games close and cover the spread. Denver is winning games with smoke and mirrors. Cutler looks like a QB who hasn't played in the NFL before, but he has yet to cost them a win. Henry is making the offense go, God help them when his annual physical breakdown occurs. Lamont Jordan is looking like he took some tasty HGH in the offseason, rediscovering the power that made him a starter for the Jets.

Baltimore 20, N.Y. Jets 13
Underdog covered the spread - Notice a trend here with the underdogs? The J-E-T-S suck and apparently, they really need Pennington to have any chance this year. He'd better get healthy quick, Clements played about 1 good quarter in this one...unfortunately it was the 4th quarter.

Chicago 20, Kansas City 10
Underdog covered the spread - Sexy Rexy continues to disappoint, but at least the Bears get a win. Devin Hester is still sick on the returns, why does anyone kick to this guy? If your special teams is not on point, they will get burned like a fucking witch in Salem, Mass. "Hey Herm...fuck you!" signed Trent Green.

Arizona 23, Seattle 20
Underdog won - Seattle just cannot get it done and looks uninspiring for the 2nd week in a row. Drink some fucking starbucks there and wake the fuck up Seahawks! Edge looks like he downed a few glasses of delicious HGH and ran for over 125 yards, while Leinart looked capable for at least this week.

Dallas 37, Miami 20
Favorite covered the spread - Dallas keeps rolling. Their offense is outta control, putting up over 35 points in week 1 and 2 each. Should be fun watching them against the Bears D in week 3. Miami could not compete and looks like a long season for the 'fins. Ronnie Brown...what the fuck is wrong with you? You are letting Jesse Chapman take your fucking job! Grow a pair and run hard you asshole! I think you need some HGH my friend.

Detroit 20, Minnesota 17 (OT)
Favorite won, push - Amazing that the Lions juggernaut continues to pile up the wins, week after week. They had some dude named J.T. O'Sullivan (really sounds like a cheesy corporate irish bar done up TGIFridays or Bennigans style, right? "Come to J.T. O'Sullivan's! Come for the beer, stay for the corned beef and hash!")come in and nearly lose the game for them, but they pulled it out in OT against a surprisingly effective Minnesota team...even with Tavaris' 4 interceptions. Damn he sucks...they need to implement the wishbone offense and never EVER throw the ball again. Adrian Peterson looked mortal this week...that wont happen often.

New England 38, San Diego 14
Favorites covered the spread - Do not anger the Patriots you wont like them when they are angry. San look like shit. Norville is going to ruin you me, i'm a Redskins fan, I know. I bet that bitch was crying in the locker room at halftime.

Panthers photo by AP Photo/Rick Havner
Lorenzen photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images
Jordan photo by AP Photo/Jack Dempsey
Romo Photo by Elliot J. Schechter/Getty Images

Friday, September 14, 2007

Ayo I'm Tired Of Using Technology

So let me get this straight. Maybe I'm just a bit slow but I have a good reason. For some unknown and unjustifiable reason, I listened to Stephen A. Smith's take on Stephon Marbury's testimony on his radio show yesterday. I feel like I huffed enough glue to put down a gang of 50 Brazilian street kids. I've heard more rational thought from a mule.

Anyway, I digress. Roger Goodell has passed judgment. $500,000 for Belichick, $250,000 for the Patriots and a loss of a first-round draft pick only if the Pats don't make the playoffs? How the hell is that fair? A larger fine would be a good start as well as a loss of a first, second and third round pick. A multi-game suspension would have been appropriate as well.
"I specifically considered whether to impose a suspension on Coach Belichick," Goodell also wrote. "I have determined not to do so, largely because I believe that the discipline I am imposing of a maximum fine and forfeiture of a first-round draft choice, or multiple draft choices, is in fact more significant and long-lasting, and therefore more effective, than a suspension."
Besides an out of pocket expense, the Pats have just gotten away with robbery. There's no reason he couldn't have added a suspension as well as taken away draft picks and fined Belichick and the club.

Perhaps the Commish should look to F1 for a guide on how to bring the hammer of justice down on perpetrators.

The World Motor Sports Council fined the McLaren team $100 million and took away all their constructors' points after being nailed for spying on rival team Ferrari. McLaren may even face more punishment for the 2008 season.

Would a comparable punishment be warranted in the case of the Patriots and especially Belichick? It would. Maybe they could start the rest of their games this season 14 points down. I'd be fine with them being forced to start Junior Seau, the mascot or Ted Kennedy at QB for a half to be decided by the opposing team.

Joe Montana Was 12.3% Less Rich Last Month

Joe Montana is a partner in an investment firm called HRJ Capital LLC (Ronnie Lott and Harris Barton are also a partners) and he, like thousands of other far more poor souls, was adversely affected by the collapse of subprime mortgage lending industry. The firm's Legends Multi-Strategy Plus Fund has a pool of $1.75 billion but lost 12.3% of its equity in just the first two weeks of August (Standard & Poor's 500 Index lost 6.7 percent) attributable mostly to the repercussions of this major financial crisis.

Let us all cry a little river for Mr. Montana as we all know that this guy loves his money. He might have to cut back on the caviar and Cristal for a little bit while his financial peoples sort this all out. Perhaps he should do what he has done before and give his name to a brand of wine and sell case of it for $210,000?

From and BloggingStocks and California Wine and Food Magazine

Wayne Rooney's Cougar Vol. II

We got more soccer news than you can shake a stick at so youse get another wrap-up. Oh happy day.

Bring Me The Head Of Gérard Depardieu

It never gets old. What's that you ask? France losing. That's money. France losing to Scotland twice. Priceless.

Scotland should demand the head of Nicholas Sarkozy, Bernard-Henri Lévy or Gérard Depardieu. At the least they should be awarded part of Alsace-Lorraine or at least a city like Toulouse or Nice. Imagine Nice being overrun by a bunch of pale, drunken Scots with beer gunts wanting to deep fry everything in sight. Let's see Puffy try to keep them out of his White Party or off his rental yacht.

Video courtesy of RD

I See Rome, I see France, I see some Danes in....Goddamn Look At Them Titties!

Those Chinese will sure go to any end to make a buck or win. Whether it's counterfeiting goods, leadin' up your toys or stealing plays, they'll make sure they win at any cost. Just ask the Danes.

The Danish World Cup women's team have asked FIFA to investigate after some Chinese men were discovered filming a strategy session behind a mirror at their hotel in China. Men were also found to be taping a closed practice session two days later. Their first match was against China but I'm sure this is a coincidence. One big misunderstanding if you will.

There's been no word on whether Bill Belichick lent his spying services to the Chinese. I'm guessing yes because they were so easy to find.

Oh yeah China won 3-2. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Second-rate Fight in First Class

Northern Ireland! You've just lost to Iceland and Latvia in little over a week. What are you going to do now? Turn on each other and fight on a plane? Well played.

NI winger Keith Gillespie attacked teammate George McCartney on a flight home from Iceland where they were defeated after Gillespie scored an own goal.
The winger rained punches on left back McCartney in front of shocked fellow passengers on the team's flight back from their Euro 2008 defeat in Iceland ... West Ham defender McCartney leapt from his seat to fight back as stunned team-mates struggled to separate the brawling pair.

One eyewitness to the Sheffield United winger's furious attack said: "Gillespie looked like he hadn't slept — he was red-eyed and carrying a bottle of water, but he was chatting quietly with David Healy as they got on the plane.

"Then, as he passed McCartney's row on his way up the aisle, he said something and pointed in an accusing way towards McCartney, who was already seated minding his own business.

"McCartney said something like 'Don't point your finger at me' while Healy was doing his best to hurry Gillespie, who was almost past McCartney but suddenly becoming quite agitated.

"Then it all kicked off. Gillespie turned and thumped McCartney in the face. He got straight up from his seat and they were grappling and throwing punches with Healy and Stuart Elliott trying to part them.

"It didn't last that long and Healy was hustling Gillespie away up the aisle towards his own seat by the time that (assistant manager) Glynn Snodin came rushing down to see what all the commotion was.
Gillespie was dropped by former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer outside of a bar in Dublin. Maybe he figured he would get the jump this time. That's when you kick some back.

Fergie Update!!

We first reported about a drunk who attacked Sir Alex Ferguson earlier this week. At the time, reports claimed that the man, Kevin Reynolds, kicked Fergie in the shins. Oh it's much better than that.

Reynolds, after pounding lager and vodka, approached Fergie and punched him in the balls.

Fergie asked Reynolds what he was doing. He replied, "I’m sorry Fergie. I did not know it was you."

Then Reynolds started chanting, "
Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth!"

A police officer came to Fergie's aid but Reynolds gave him a Glasgow kiss.

No word on whether Arsene Wenger has been questioned in relation to this attack.

Australia Will Hand Your Arse To You In A Sack

Australia doesn't play when it comes to drinking, oppressing indigenous people, crazy muthafuckas who mess with deadly animals, sports and fighting. The Alice Springs Grand Final had three of these as a brawl involving Aussie Rules players and spectators broke out. Luckily, some fans had a video camera and plenty to say about it.

Warning: Language NSFW

Some of our favorite quotes:

"This is the shit that happens with these boys. This is the shit."

"This is disgraceful. I'm never coming back to this shithole. That's it for me. Game set and match."

Just like the dingo comes back for the baby, he'll come back to the shithole. He wants it. He needs it. It's in the blood.

Ball Hits Face, Man Falls Down

Poor quality video here, but its pretty damn funny watching this fat-ass get nailed in the head and slow motion belly-flop onto the seats underneath him. People, this is high comedy.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Move Over Steve Young...The New Mormon Football God Is Here

Out in Utah, there is a boy who stands 6'2", weighs 220lbs, has size 13 1/2 shoes, bench-presses 330 pounds, squats 500 pounds and power cleans 330 pounds. His name is Justin Sorensen and he may well be the most talented high school football player in the country at his position...KICKER?!?!

Thats right, he's a kicker and one hell of a kicker at that. While has him ranked just #17 in the nation, he's kicked a 62 yarder in an intrasquad game (NFL Record is 63 yards) and last year 81 of his 96 kickoffs were touchbacks. The coaches felt this was so unfair that they moved the kickoff back to the 25 yardline for one game...and he split the uprights. Yea, a 90-95 yard kick off a tee there. Impressive as hell.

BYU fans are already salivating over him spotting up for kicking duties at their school and why not, the kid has one hell of a leg. Shame his coaches stopped playing him at fullback and linebacker b/c they selfishly just want to use that magical leg without fear of injury elsewhere. Still, it might be worth it, its good to have a niche and the kid could make a fortune in the pro's if he keeps kicking like this.

Mormons around the world bow down to your new football God!!

Oh, and if you really want to see him in action, here's his recruitment video. Basically its some crappy video footage of this kid kicking off and getting a bunch of touchbacks...set to some horrible horrible soft jazz of some sort. I made it through 1 minute before i wanted to hang myself.

Story Information and Kicking Photo from Desert News

Eagles Fans Are Worse Rappers Than Brandon Lloyd

Bad Andy here is a big Eagles much of a fan he is driven to write a rap song about his beloved eagles. As you might imagine, it is absolutely horrible. While I am surprised an Eagles fan actually can write a sentence, I am not at all surprised by this guy's severe lack of rhythm or rhyme. He raps passed with pass for Christ's sake. Just bad...Bad Andy! BAD!

Steely McBeam Gets All The Women

A poll was conducted recently that set out to find which NFL team has the highest percentage of female fans. The surprising results were:
1. Steelers
2. Packers
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Chiefs
6. Jacksonville
7. Ravens/Patriots
9. Broncos/Buccaneers/Redskins

Strangely enough Favre or Brady weren't enough to get either of their teams into first place. The only answer for the Steelers being on top MUST be the ultra-manly Steely McBeam. I mean they have twice the amount of female fans than the league average! Steely, you hunk of blue collar man meat, the women love you.

I really must wonder why the Bills are in the top three of the NFL? Why is anyone a fan of that team, let alone fan enough to place them in the top 3 of teams that females root for? Just doesn't make sense. What does make sense and not at all surprising is that the Falcons didn't make the top 10. Michael Vick's troubles add yet another blow to the team's fan quotient. It is awesome that the Dallas Cowboys were nowhere to be found in the top conclusion is that since most women do not root for Dallas, women are smarter than all Dallas fans...or find Jerry Jones to be just as smarmy as I do.


Who Cares About Oden, Lebron Just Had Surgery!

Lebron James went in to have his vision corrected with some Lasik eye surgery last week and stop the freakin presses...Lebron will now be able to scorch the opposing D with 20/15 vision now. That's right, his eyes are now superhuman. He can see like a freakin eagle! Talk about performance enhancement, this is worse than the urban legend that Tommy John surgery actually makes your arm stronger because his eyes are now not just normal, they're better than normal. Next maybe he'll get some springs inserted into his legs to add another 6 inches to his vertical. Great news for Cavs fans out there, horrible news for the rest of the league.

He went to the same eye surgeon that Rip Hamilton went to, Dr. Kerry Assil of the Assil Eye Institute in Beverly Hills, California. Lebron must've caught one of Rip's commercials for eye surgery while playing in the motor city one day and thought it was a solid idea.

From Detroit Free Press

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Kansas Ain't Got Nuthin' On Miami Northwestern

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The soccer roundup returns after a lengthy summer vacation which was well deserved.

What Are You Lookin' At?

Perennial delinquent and Liverpool (sorry that was redundant) winger Jermaine Pennant loves to get his swerve on. So much so that he spent a month in jail due to drunk driving charges in 2005. When arrested, he gave his name to the police as Ashley Cole.

Pennant was also cautioned after a row with his girlfriend as well as arrested in July of this year for a public order offense. Liverpool manager Rafa "Vagina Face" Benitez warned him that he was on his last chance and he would tolerate no more trouble. He managed to stay on the right side of the law until this past weekend.

Pennant got shitfaced and involved in a fight on Saturday night. Here's an eyewitness account.
"Jermaine was absolutely leathered. He could barely stand and was slurring his words. His eyes were a mess ... I spoke to him briefly in the club and he was swearing and slagging people off, but he was laughing. I left the club at about 2.30am and walked past the takeaway, and as I went by it kicked off. There was lots of pushing and shoving and swearing, and Jermaine was in the middle of it. He was trying to calm things down and was saying, ‘Calm down, calm down’ — but he was too drunk and fell over. His mate, who I think was also a footballer, was arrested and a WPC put him in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground. His attitude stank and he wasn’t keen on being arrested."
Pennant has been playing well but it'll be interesting to see whether Rafa comes down on him. He's probably a hero to all Liverpudlians.

Hulk Says Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go

This Tevez/Mascherano saga will never end. Their troubles in England seem to have worked themselves out but now they're in bigger trouble in Brazil. Both players are under investigation for tax evasion and if found guilty, they could each get up to five years in prison.

The alleged crimes took place while both were playing for Corinthians. Of course, MSI head Kia Joorabchian is involved. One Brazilian paper claims that two former Corinthians players arranged to receive part of their salaries outside of Brazil in order to avoid taxes.

This should be a clear lesson to all clubs that they should never do business with Joorabchian or MSI. West Ham should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he never bought the club. They'd probably be in League Two if his bid had been successful.

Fergie Attacked By Midget?

Sorry, wrong Fergie. We were all hoping it was that over-50 skank from the Black Eyed Peas but we're talking about Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. A man was arrested after attacking Ferguson in a London train station on Monday.

The attacker ran up on SAF and began kicking him in the shins. He reported the attack to the police who subsequently made an arrest.

Police had no response to the allegation that the attacker was Arsene Wenger wearing a wig and a Robbie Savage mask.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The Deuce's Look At The NFL: Week One

Week 1 of the NFL is over, thank fucking God. Another lame ass start to a predictably unpredictable NFL Season. Everyone and their mother has a re-cap of the week before, but we at the Deuce would like to offer our own synopsis of the craptacular week one of NFL action. Oh, and hey, fuck you in advance, we may be assholes...but we do really love football:

Washington 16, Miami 13 (OT)
What a fucking shitfest this was. Neither team's offense was working and both defenses were looking only somewhat decent because of the ineptitude of said offenses. There's not much good that came out of this game, its a shame some team had to win. Brandon Lloyd can catch the ball as well as he can rap...which is to say, he fucking sucks. Ronnie Brown sucks only because Jesse Chapman is somehow better. I do love me some Area 51 though...

Indianapolis 41, New Orleans 10
The Saints played like their heads were up their asses all fucking night. Screw these guys for turning the NFL Opener into a fucking snorefest. How they could they not hit that asswipe Peyton Manning in the mouth once? If the Colts look like this all season, why the fuck don't you just hand them their second Lombardi trophy in two years? Why play against them, in the immortal words of Denny Green, "Crown THEM"! When you play the Colts, you are going to lose fucktards...AND GODDAMN YOU APPLE, STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING 1, 2, 3, 4 IPOD COMMERCIAL! IT IS EATING INTO MY SOUL! It's like that fucking ear worm in Star Trek 2 digging into my brain! Make it STOP for the love of all God's creatures great and small, MAKE IT STOP!

Denver 15, Buffalo 14
Jesus, you assholes almost gave me a heart attack at the end of this game! That was a fucking crazy finish...that didn't even need to happen because that douchebag Elam missed 2 field goals prior to hitting the game winning one. What a fucking retard! Do your damn job! If I go to work and only do 60% of my work I get fired! Plus you fucking paralyzed a guy!! You dirty whores don't deserve to win this game, you shouldn't paralyze someone and win, there must be a rule written about this somewhere. God hates those who paralyze people, your season is done Broncos fans.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7
Attention Cleveland fans...kill yourselves now, it won't get any better than this. Pittsburgh just exposed your secondary to have a bigger gaping hole than fucking goatse. Any team that lets Ben Roesthlisfaceplantagainstawindshieldberger look like the second coming of Joe Montana should just commit mass seppuku. Your shame is real,

Green Bay 16, Philadelphia 13
Brett Farve should not only retire, he should take himself out behind the shed and shoot himself...although he probably won't feel it with all the painkillers still in his system from his drug abuse days in the early 17th century and he will keep playing another 50 years. This guy is like the goddammed terminator, just hang that shit up! Your team should never win despite you, they should win because of you. Aaron Rogers must feel like fucking Prince Charles right now just waiting for the Queen to kick the bucket. "Die you old bitch! I want that fucking title! I'm THA KING, muthafucka!!!"

Houston 20, Kansas City 3
Your season ends immediately after you lose to Houston, it is a fact. You cannot lose to Houston and win a title. This may or may not be an actual fact, but it fucking should be. The Chiefs got outplayed by the Texans every way imaginable. Herm Edwards looks like a HUGE fucking idiot by forcing out Trent Green for no apparent reason other than "you are old"...brilliant coaching move. Genius. Really, if you are going to get rid of your best QB you should, in theory, have someone AT LEAST as good to replace him...guess he didn't think that far ahead. Herm Edwards...hindsight is thy name.

Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3
Harrington is exactly who we all thought he is...a shitty quarterback. The Vikings defense tore into the Atlanta offense like Mustafa does a fucking Christmas ham with 6 sacks. Harrington did everything he can to turn Atlanta into Detroit of the South by giving away 2 INTs and providing a ton of suckage while doing nothing with the ball. Giving up Schaub was a stupid thing to do at the time and it's been made worse by this spectacle. Its not good when Byron Leftwich and Aaron Brooks are probably your best options at QB...and neither one of them are on a team right now.

Seattle 20, Tampa Bay 6
What? Jon Gruden is still coaching? This guy took a team that Tony Dungy created and won a super bowl...then promptly destroyed them, returning the Bucs to the cellar they should be dwelling in. Fuck you Gruden, Dungy should have two Super Bowl rings, give him yours you undeserving other news and entirely average game was played between two NFC teams and no one really noticed...or cared.,,AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS GUY IN THAT COSTUME???? CHRIST?!?!!?

New England 38, N.Y. Jets 14
Randy Moss apparently just did not care about playing football the last three years, wasting everyone's time and money following FUCK HIM for deciding to "turn it on" now while playing for the Goddamned Patriots! There is not a team so full of fucking smugness out there. Even the Colts stay humble with their Christian Coalition head coach leading the charge. This team with their fucking "genius" head coach and their fucking GQ Poster-boy & Sperm Machine quarterback emanates more smugness per player than the rest of the league combined...counting Chad Johnson. If the Mangina, boy genius Eric Mangiani cannot hope to beat this collection of cold sores, who the fuck can?? FUCK, I have never rooted for the Colts in my life...and I won't until they play the Patriots this season.

Carolina 27, St. Louis 13
Steven "fucking" Jackson!!!! The fuck happened to you?!?! You were supposed to carry my fantasy football team to glory and you give me ONE POINT?!?! Your TWO (2) fumbles negated the unimaginably bad performance you laid down. Seriously, my hangover shit that smelled like rotted turnips was more impressive than the stat line you laid down you waste of human DNA! The Rams played without Orlando Pace last season and yet, with him gone from this game you'd think their line forgot what they were supposed to do with him gone! I swear, if you do this to me again, I will fly to St. Louis and personally drop a shit in your locker Najeh style bitch!!

Tennessee 13, Jacksonville 10
AAAAAAAAAARGHH!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 78 passing yards and you win??? How did Jacksonville not figure out that Tennessee was going to keep running the ball?? Maybe after the 100th yard you'd realize "oh...hey waitaminute...they really aren't doing anything in the air, maybe we should stack the box with our unbelievably stout defensive line and linebackers?" Holy SHIT there wasn't a more maddening game played this week! Vince Young is the new Michael Vick...make his scrambling ass throw the ball!

Detroit 36, Oakland 21
The two worst teams face off against each other in week one of the NFL season. Brilliant! One of these dregs has to come out of this looking good...this week it was the Lions. Honestly, I think if they just had the team captains play the Madden 08 version of this game and shown it on the Jumbotrons it would have been a more entertaining spectacle than this garbage. Lamont Jordan looked like he was tearing up an ACC defense out there...Calvin Johnson as a matter of fact, both of these teams would fit in nicely in the craptacular ACC. I bet they'd go 8-4 way either one can beat BC right now.

San Diego 14, Chicago 3
Wow...LT goes down for the 2nd most dissappointing numbers for a high fantasy draft pick. You do not want your #1 draft pick to run for 25 fucking yards. Worse yet...HOW DO YOU LOSE WHEN YOU STOP LT? Rivers picked apart the supposedly fantastic defense like Rosie O'donnell picks apart Goddamned pork chop. Mmmmm pork chop. Mmmmm Rosie...ahhhhh waitaminute FUCK!?!

Dallas 45, N.Y. Giants 35
Where the hell is the defense that Wade Phillips was supposed to bring to big D? That vaunted defense allowed more goaline penetration in 1 game than Lindsay Lohan does in a week in rehab! Why does Tom Coughlin look like a zombie on the sidelines? Seriously, he has not seen the light of day since last season. I'm convinced he is of the undead. Zombie Coughlin sadly is no better of a coach than Un-Undead Coughlin and now he's lost his #1 QB and #1 RB for the first portion of the season. Tiki Barber...YOU MADE THE RIGHT CALL!

Cincinnati 27, Baltimore 20 are D-O-N-E. You were personally responsible for 4 turnovers (3 fumbles, 1 Int)! This is NOT how you win a game...and yet, Baltimore came within 1 play of tying the game up with one minute left. Were it not for Todd "STONE HANDS" Heap fucking up a pass right to his chest, this game could've been in overtime. Way to go sir, are a shitbag. Your hands are harder than Max Hardcore during an anal invasion. Carson are better than your brother...which isn't saying all that much.

• San Francisco, Arizona
Mike and Mike are announcing this game...I am not watching and pretending it doesn't exist. I fear if I listen to this game, I might actually turn into a chicken, leap out my apartment window, challenge a city rat to a fight and lose in a horrible chicken/rat deathmatch...only to provide a tasty dinner for the polite homeless man who lives behind my building's dumpsters. At least some good will come of this game. If you care about the score of this deserve to be shit on...repeatedly.

Jansen Photo By REUTERS/Gary Cameron (UNITED STATES)
Steelers Photo By (AP Photo/Mark Duncan)
Seattle Photo By REUTERS/Anthony P. Bolante (UNITED STATES)
Browns Photo By...ahh fuck, i forgot to copy it here...its on Yahoo too.
Young Photo By