Friday, October 30, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 8 Pick Em

Good day people! Lets recap last week shall we? Ok, if you followed all my picks we went 7-5-1, not a bad week at all. The Upset Special was a Loss and the Lock was a win. On the year, we're at 52-48-1, 4-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-5 on Upset Specials. We're not doing great, but we are in good position halfway through the season to get you a lot of money. SO LETS WIN BABY! This week, I am picking fast b/c i just got like 3 new Xbox 360 games and they rule my life right now. On to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Carolyn from the Carolina Panthers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Denver at Baltimore OVER 41.5

This one is a tough game to pick the winner of. On the one hand, Denver is undefeated, on the other hand Baltimore is probably a more talented team. Compounding the issue is that both teams are coming off a bye week, giving them 2 weeks to prepare for this game. What to do? Pick the over! Baltimore's defense has been thrown on all year and Baltimore's passing game is the most dynamic part of their offense, even with 2 weeks for each team's defense to prepare for this game, it is going to be a high scoring affair. Play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at CHICAGO -13.5

This game shouldn't really even be a contest. The Bears are by no means a great team, but the Browns are such a horrible team, even an average squad like the Bears will dominate them. With Tommy Harris coming back to the Bears defensive line, the one chance that Jamal Lewis had to find room to run has disappeared. Don't look for the Bears to overlook this game either after last week's evisceration by the Packers. This game will be like a Big 10 team scheduling a D-1-AA squad for homecoming. No contest. Take the Bears, don't think about it too much.

HOUSTON -3.5 at Buffalo

This spread could be -9 and I would't be shocked at all. Let me put this as clearly as I can...the Bills will not even come close to winning this game. Even Houston's sieve-like defense will contain the well-educated Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Take the Texans, watch the flood of points wash away your money woes.

SAN FRANCISCO +12 at Indianapolis

Maybe i'm giving Mike Singletary a little too much credit here, but I just cannot see how they get blown out against Indianapolis even in Indy. As great as the Colts have looked this year, they really haven't played a team yet with a great defense except for Miami...and that game was decided by 4 points. In the 49ers two road games this year, they have lost by a total of 6 points (they lost by 3 each game). I have a pretty decent blowout sensor and it is not tingling right now. Take the 49ers.

MIAMI +3.5 at New York Jets

These teams last faced each other just 3 weeks ago, scoring 58 points total with the Dolphins winning by 4 points. In that game, at Miami, the Jets were favored by 3 points and the O/U was 36. Oh, how things change, well not by much. In this game at the Meadowlands the Jets are favored now by 3.5 and the O/U has been bumped up a bit to 40.5. So last time they played, the underdog covered and the Over won...and if the current lines were used on that game, the same thing would've happened. I'm not going to screw with this extremely limited statistical historical analysis (if you can call it that) and I am taking the Dolphins. If you wanted to go nuts and do a correlated parlay, I would take the Over. Why not. If you dont learn from history...ah I forget.

ST. LOUIS +4 at Detroit

This will happen. They might even get off the schneid and win the damn thing. I mean, who is going to start at QB for Detroit? Stafford's knee is all jacked up, Culpepper has a gimpy hammy and Drew Stanton is out indefinitely with a knee injury. Add to that Calvin "Megatron" Johnson's own knee injury and I smell an offense that can be stopped even by the Ram's sorry ass defense. I hope, sincerely hope, that Steven Jackson has a big day. That guy deserves at least one win. Take the Rams.

Seattle at DALLAS -9.5

Yea, last week's game probably was a fluke for the Cowboys, but Seattle's defense is a joke...unless you're Jacksonville, then the joke is on them I guess. I expect another solid showing from the Romo to Austin connection and the running backs should run wild over the Seahawks. Also, Dallas' D has actually been playing well as of late and should be able to bottle up the one dimensional Seattle offense. Take the Cowboys in this event.

New York Giants at PHILADELPHIA +1

A home dog? You serious?? In the NFC East??? Can I keep going with these questions???? Are you annoyed yet????? Well think of how annoyed Eagles fans are with Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick and Brian Westbrook. Reid won't call a run, McNabb has become the bounce pass king, which is great for basketball but not football, Vick has lost not just a step, but it appears as if he's lost a foot out there with the speed he's moving at, and Westbrook cannot finish a game...and he barely starts any anyway. So why am I picking them? Because their D will win this game for them. Also, Eli is hurt and Bradshaw is hurt. The Eagles play D so aggressively they will force a couple turnovers out of those guys. Throw in a little special teams magic and the Eagles win this home game by a touchdown. Pick the Eagles.

Minnesota at Green Bay UNDER 47

I've gone back and forth on this game and I can make a case for both teams winning. So that means I am going with the O/U for you to bet on. The over/under has gone from 48.5 to 47 very fast this week, despite around 3/4th of the action on the over. This, to me, means sharps are all over the under....and so am I. Take the under.

Carolina at Arizona UNDER 41

I see this game being like a 27-9 type affair where the Panthers get close and end up kicking field goals and going for it and failing on 4th down a lot, while the Cards score a few easy touchdowns on long drives as they rack up the yardage against the Panthers' weak D. With the pick-6 machine Delhomme at QB though, anything could happen though. I am hoping the Cardinals just intercept the ball and they don't run it back for any scores. That'd blow it all up for you and me. Take the Under.

ATLANTA +10 at New Orleans

Its Monday night, isnt there a law that these games should be close? The Saints are devastating on offense and pestering on defense but after the Falcons' blow out defeat last week, I can see them making a game of it in prime time.


OAKLAND +1050 at San Diego

Ok, we all know this won't happen. But won't it be fun to root for it to happen? Its not like you really want to take SD at -16.5 and its not like you want to take all those points and bet on the Raiders...even the over/under is 50/50 here. This is the only sensible thing to do. I mean if you hit this game, you will win a lot of a lot. A simple $100 bet will get you $1,050 back. I mean, you gotta at least try it! Its not like 1) Oakland hasn't beaten a decent team, they have when they beat the Eagles and its not like 2) You can trust Norv Turner. I can see the Chargers flubbing this one. It can happen. If it does, you can take advantage. BIG TIME. This is why this is the UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK


JACKSONVILLE +3 at Tennessee

So the Titans are starting Vince Young at QB for this game. Jacksonville wins. Its that easy, really. If you really wanted to get cocky you'd just take the Jaguars ML at +145. That's not big enough odds for me so just take the points and enjoy the easy win. It is the LOCK OF THE WEEK.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Cristiano Ronaldo Is Your New Walrus Of Love

Douche Unlimited is the new Love Unlimited. If you've been waiting for one more reason to hate on Cristiano Ronaldo, your wait is over. You've seen him dive on the pitch like the Kursk. Now witness his musical dive as he covers Julio Iglesias' Amor Mio.

Amor Mio is just one of the songs that Ronaldo agreed to cover as part of an advertising campaign for Portuguese bank Banco Espírito Santo. They apparently also trample Barry White's legacy in the name of more deposits. If you hear about Sea World walruses losing their shit in the next couple weeks, you'll know why. Expect human collateral damage. No one disrespects the Walrus of Love and gets away with it.

Link: NME

Friday, October 23, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 7 Pick Em

Wow, ok so last week was my first truly awful week. I finished up a bloody 6-8 last week, losing both my lock and upset picks of the week. Just miserable. For the season, this puts me at 45-43 overall, 3-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-4 on Upsets of the Week. I either need to get a whole lot better at this or a whole lot more interesting as a writer to keep you reading this so this week, I will try to do both. Let me first load up on some booze. Ok done. On to the picks, as a warning, these picks are not for the feint of heart, so many road teams being picked this week it is SICK. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Asia from the New England Patriots. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

SAN DIEGO -4.5 at Kansas City

Do i trust Norv Turner to win this game? No. If they do win, do I trust Norv to win by 5 points. No again. Do you know what I trust even less? If you guessed Kansas City's defense, then you would be correct. Despite having Norv and a suspect defense (and special teams if you look at what happened last week, sheesh), the Chargers' offense should be good enough to win this game by a touchdown over the Chiefs' horrendous defense and substandard offense. If you trust me, take the Chargers and don't look back...don't ever look back. TAKING THE CHARGERS IS MY ELECTRIC JOLT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Minnesota at PITTSBURGH -5.5

The Vikings' run will end in Pittsburgh. Minnesota was exposed last week against the Ravens in the second half as a team that can be thrown on and throwing is something that the Steelers do very very well. Big Ben had yet another 400 yard game last week and he might do it again this week as the Vikings' corners are suspect and they are not getting much of a pass rush at all. Brett Favre and AP might actually be contained for most of the day, especially if they are down Percy Harvin as the rookie has been a vital cog in their offense thus far this year. Throw in the fact that Polamalu has a chance to play and you got yourself a Pittsburgh win right here. Betting the Steelers is my IRON CITY IRON CLAD LOCK OF THE WEEK!!

SAN FRANCISCO +3 at Houston

The 49ers are coming off a bye and getting their #1 running back back in the saddle. These are good things for the young 49ers. Houston has been the most schizophrenic team in football. They have yet to win 2 games in a row, following every win with a loss. Guess what, last week they won. I'm playing the trends here and taking the 49ers. With Houston's horrible D allowing Shaun Hill to dink and dunk all over the field when Gore isnt gashing them for yardage, this is as certain a pick as I've had all year. Take the 49ers, because if Mike Singletary and Gary Kubiak got into a fight, you'd better believe that I'll take Singletary. As a matter of fact, next week, i might just pick the head coaches I would think would win in a fight for all my picks. Write that one down, that is a good idea.

GREEN BAY -9 at Cleveland

As of the time I am writing this, my sources tell me pretty much the entire city of Cleveland has the swine flu. This doesn't bode well for Green Bay next week, but this week they should be golden. If the Pack doesn't cover this spread look up in the sky because PIGS WILL BE FUCKING FLYING! This is my VACCINATION pick of the week. You will be SICK to your STOMACH and PUKING your GUTS out if you do NOT get in on this!

New Orleans at MIAMI +6.5

Sure New Orleans has this high flying offense that cannot be stopped. Miami will not stop them, but that whacky Wildcat offense sure is going to keep the score close. That is all I am betting on here. Well that and I am a big believer in taking a home dog that is coming off a bye week. There is an advantage there and you should take advantage of it. Also of note, depending on the site, somewhere between 77-95% of the action is on the Saints here...and the line hasn't moved. Some heavy hitters must like Miami on this one, you should see this and use it to your advantage. This is my SEX PANTHER pick of the week, if you see a little advantage, you might as well use it.

CHICAGO +1 at Cincinnati

The real question is, which Bengals team will show up to this game? The team that beat Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore or the team that lost to Houston. We wont count the Denver game because they, by all rights, should've won that game. The Bengals are 1-2 at home so far and this won't be an easy test for them at all. Cutler should be secure now with his new contract, but will he go crazy and throw a bunch of INTs to lose this game for his team? Will Forte finally run like he did last year? Who knows. So many questions. In this game, I am just going with the better D and taking the Bears. If defense is good enough to win championships, it is good enough to win midseason games in Week 7.

New York Jets at OAKLAND +6.5

I'm not saying the Raiders are going to win this game...I'm just saying that they have a chance. Sanchez will not have an easy time throwing against this defense so you have to think it will be a running party yet again for the Jets' rushers. The Jets' defense should be able to confuse, harass, and dominate the Raiders hapless offense. This game is going to be decided by field goals and not touchdowns. I'd take the under if it werent 35, but it isnt so take the points.

Buffalo at Carolina UNDER 37

Now this game, I am willing to go under. You're going to have Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Jake Delhomme here which means lots of runs eating away at the clock without points going up. Both running games are miserable right now as well, so that'l be a lotta running without going anywhere.

New England at TAMPA BAY +14.5

There is no home team in England, although I hope the crowd isnt going to be rooting for a symbol of something that killed a shit ton of them. Because American patriots should never be welcome in England we must root for the gay pirates...i mean Buccaneers. Right. I am just hoping the travel keeps this one somewhat close. We'll see. This is my YOU SAY YOU WANT AN UPSET...errr...REVOLUTION pick. Wait that was sung by a bunch of Brits...whatever, take the Bucs.

ARIZONA +7 at New York

Last week the Giants took a beat down that opened my eyes to something...the fact that they can actually be beat. Arizona, on the other hand, looked pretty solid last week. With the Giant's secondary in shambles I have to think that the Cardinals' passing game is going to be just fine this week. I might even be inclined to take the Cardinals money line if it paid well enough. Take the cards in this one. When you win, you will shout "THANK YOU JEEEEEESUS!" like my main man Kurt did lo' these many years ago.

PHILADELPHIA -7 at Washington

One team is having a guy who has been out of football for five years and on the team for two weeks calling plays...and one team doesnt. How this spread isnt 14 points is a testament to how decent the Redskins D has been playing this year. Nevertheless, no matter what the spread, I cannot pick the Redskins. God, it sucks to be a Redskins' fan this year...take the Eagles.


ATLANTA +3.5 at Dallas

Ok, this one I just don't get. Dallas is not a good team at all. Atlanta, on the other hand, is. Dallas hasn't even won in their brand new stadium, so i cannot think the home field advantage is all that great here. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here, just going to take Atlanta and not ask any questions. This is my STICK A CARROT UP MY ASS AND CALL ME MR. ED DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH pick of the week...also the Upset Special.


INDIANAPOLIS -13 at St. Louis

The Colts are going to beat the Rams by 30 easily in this game. They'd have stiffer competition if they were playing Florida right now, even after the beheading of Tebow. The Rams have Steven Jackson and that is it. That poor poor man. If anyone in the Rams' front office has any soul left from their Super Bowl wins they would trade him while he still has some run left in his legs. I feel bad for him...especially if Bob Sanders is playing this week. Pray for Steven Jackson. Pick the Colts. When in St. Louis, if its cold outside, make sure that you check out The Royale which has a friggin terrific burger as well as plenty of awesomely creative booze and a fire pit. NOTHING goes together better than fire and booze...ok throw some sex and bacon in there and you might actually achieve nirvana. Just try not to mind the hipsters too much...ugh.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

One of the Saddest Videos Ever

And by sad, i mean funny. This poor fat kid is stuck inside a bowl in a skate park. It takes this chubby lad 4 whole gripping and intense minutes of struggle and sacrifice and finally, through the bonds of undying friendship, this young boy with a belly full of jelly gets out. Well maybe not undying friendship, maybe just some other kids that actually want to skate in the bowl. WTF was this kid doing down there in the first place? Is there a heavyweight division of skateboarding I didn't know about? Its like a baby stuck in a well for the X generation.

Fat Kid Stuck in a Skating Bowl - Watch more Funny Videos

Horrible Skateboarding Accident Averted Humorously

That title pretty much sums it up. Looks like this kid is going to take a serious blow to his unhelmeted (not a word, but whatever, it fits) noggin, yet, miraculously, he lands ass on the board. Crisis averted, the dumb shall live to skate another day.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 6 Pick Em

Week 5 was a whole lot of more of the same, I got a little too cute with a few picks and ended up going 7-6 with my picks. I was perfect on my Upset Specials and Locks of the week though, so for the season we're at 39-35, 3-2 on locks of the week and 2-3 on upset specials. Really, I am the most mediocre prognosticator there is, but it appears in the long term, you should finish enough over .500 to maybe break even...which is not good enough my friends. You deserve more. This week, we're shooting for near perfection. Its been a long work week (hence why this place has been a ghost town this week), so my writeups will be quick, but here are the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Tiffany Jimenez from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Washington

Washington is playing with just 2 actual offensive linemen, the other 3 are just getting a headstart for halloween. I dont care how stout their D can be, Chiefs are, more than likely, winning this one straight up. If the Redskins do pull it out, it certainly wont be by a touchdown. Feel safe with this one.

Houston at Cincinnati OVER 46

All the Bengals do is play in close games, why should this one be any different against the occasionally high flying Texans' offense. I thought about taking Texans +5 because of that, but I also expect this game to be a shootout. Each team scoring in bunches. Just play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14

I'm not sure if the Browns will gain over 100 yards here. Only way the Steelers don't win by more than 2 scores is if their horrible 4th quarter prevent D blows another huge lead. Lets hope they've figured that 4th quarter out. You'd think a team that won the Super Bowl the year before would have an inclination as to how to finish out a game strong. Its like they only really know how to come from behind, not play with a lead. Nevertheless, the Browns suck. Stillers dominate this one.

Baltimore at MINNESOTA -3

The Ravens defense is good but their offense is in the starring role this season. Unfortunately for them, the Vikings have a defense that can bottle up their newly dynamic offense and savvy/gritty/gutty/grizzled/tough/wise/veteran QB BRETTFAVRE will yet again perform well enough to solve any blitz thrown at him. Percy Harvin scores here too I think...just a random Peter King like guess there. You like that, I know it.

St. Louis at JACKSONVILLE -9.5

Sure the Jags got shut out last week, but the Rams have been shut out twice this year! Its scary laying this many points on the Jags, but I just have that little faith in the Rams ability to get in the end zone...that and I have a huge man crush on MJD.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY +3

This one is a pure gut feeling play here. I just think that Tampa's running game and their super mobile QB will present a lot of problems for Carolina. Also, after 2 tough road games, this could be the Bucs' last chance at a win in a while in a home game against a mentally beaten down team. I think the upset happens and Tampa wins its 1st game of the year.

Detroit at GREEN BAY -13.5

It is looking more and more like Calvin Johnson won't be playing on Sunday. This news is horrible for my fantasy team, but excellent for my wallet. Take the Packers here and rest easy knowing your money is about to double up.

ARIZONA +3 at Seattle

Its tough to play in Seattle for sure, but Arizona does it twice a year and know what they are getting into. Well, that and the Seahawks really aren't a good team despite what they did last week to Jacksonville. Kurt Warner flies high this game Arizona will win straight up, if the moneyline was better i would be all over that.

Bills at Jets UNDER 37.5

If you don't live on the east coast, you might not know this is friggin wet. REAL WET right now. This deluge wont stop for days, its Friday morning when i'm writing this and it wont stop raining until sometime next week. It will be raining on Sunday and with the Jets starting a rookie QB from Southern California and the Bills just being one of the worst teams in football playing one of the best defenses in the league...I am thinking all of this will keep the score loooooow.

Tennessee at NEW ENGLAND -9

The Patriots are going to flex their muscles here and show that they can, at times, play like the dominating team they used to be. The Titans will just stand idly by watching as it happens to them. No shocker here when the Pats win.

Chicago at ATLANTA -3.5

After last weekend's offensive explosion, how do you not roll the dice and pick the Falcons here? You have to like what Ryan and White are doing in the air and Turner seems to be gaining his footing this season as a RB. Their D is also playing some decent football. I think the Bears hit a wall in Atlanta.

Denver at SAN DIEGO -3.5

The Chargers are coming off a bye week having rested and licked their wounds and they are going to come out, at home, on Monday night and put an end to the amazing win streak the Broncos are on right now. Believe in NORV! Chargers will win!


NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at New Orleans

In my mind, the Giants are the most complete team in the NFC and possibly the NFL, unless they prove me otherwise by getting their asses handed to them, I think they should be favored in every game this year. So, in light of that, any time they are underdogs I am taking them...even though New Orleans is at home and coming off a bye week. 2 things that mean that I will probably soon be parted with my money...but i'm still liking the Giants here.


PHILADELPHIA -14 at Oakland

I think there is some rule to NFL sports betting that if the home team is a 14 point underdog, you really just have to take them...but screw that rule. This year in the NFL has been no stranger to some crazy blowouts. The difference between the the haves and the have nots is HUGE this season. Take the Eagles, they cover this huge line easy. And if you're ever up in Philly, hit up Monk's Belgian Cafe...seriously the best mussels and fries in the city and a great selection of Belgian beers.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 5 Pick Em

This is going to be one long season, last week was another totally average week, with your boy Chimp going 7-7, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week. Overall, I am 32-29 and 2-2 on the Locks of the Week and 1-3 on the Upset Specials. Still a whole lot of room to make some money and if you were for some reason betting with me here, you would probably be around even. But, we can do better, and we certainly will this week. I have information that will make this week the ultimate lock week of all weeks! READ ON! As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Abbie M from the Baltimore Ravens. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

MINNESOTA -10 at St. Louis

You know a team is bad when I am willing to lay 10 points against a home team on a team playing on a short week due to them having just played their guts out on Monday night. St. Louis is that bad. If this were a college game, there would be a 30 point spread. These teams are mirror images of each other. If you wanted a real life analogy, the Vikings are a NASA shuttle lifting off to go visit the space station, while the Rams are the rocket that is on a death mission to the Moon to literally punch the moon in its fucking face. You gotta take the Vikings here, their D will pummel whomever is quarterbacking the Rams into the ground like a NASA rocket into the moon...I cannot use that story enough apparently! THIS IS MY SUPERSONIC PICK OF THE WEEK because you will be running so fast to make this bet you will generate a Goddamn SONIC BOOM!!!

Dallas at KANSAS CITY +9

Sure Tony Romo is a screw-up, they have average wide receivers, all their running backs are banged up and their defense is do not ignore any of that information. As bad as Kansas City is and they are pretty horrible, I actually think they have a chance at home against this Dallas squad. Not a good chance, but a good enough chance to cover 9 points here. Take the Chiefs, put a good amount of money on it, then go take this sick ass Makers Mark Master Distiller's Experience. You get a friggin 24 karat bottle of your own booze, literally your face is etched onto the bottle, its YOURS! THIS IS MY 130 PROOF KILLER BUZZ PICK OF THE WEEK!

Washington at CAROLINA -3.5

Yeah, so far I am 1-0 when picking against my Redskins like I said I would the rest of the season and I think I am going to increase my winning streak to 2 games this week. Both teams are desperate, one team will win.

My information this week says the 'Skins have hired a man that was recently pulling bingo balls out of a barrel for a church to be the salvation for their offense. How anyone can ever bet on them is beyond me. If you live in the DC area like me, you should take Carolina and when you win buy yourself a nice big HD television and some NFL Sunday Ticket so you never have to watch the Redskins again. GOD they suck.

Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA -14.5

I must be crazy...or AM I? This line is actually up to 16 in some places and the action on Tampa has been pretty steady even with the line moves. No one thinks the Bucs can actually win this game, but they question whether the Eagles can actually put up the points to cover this line. I'm here to assure you, they will. Sure McNabb is just coming back, but after the performance that Kevin Kolb had the last two weeks and Mike Vick's ever increasing appearances on the field, Donovan will want to desperately piss all over the Buccaneers to assert his dominance and claim this football team for himself, once and for all...again...and just for this season. No way McNabb is here next year. Take the Eagles and when you win, piss all over your house, just to make a point. Claim that territory.

NY JETS -1 at Miami

Look for the Jets' defense to terrorize Chad Henne into making a mistake on the few plays he is allowed to throw the ball. The other 80% of the time when the Dolphins are running, they will be bottled up tighter than a jar of some tasty Rao's Vodka Sauce. Have you ever had this shit? It is possibly some of the greatest, store bought and mass produced red sauce on the planet. Mrs. Rage made some tasty Spaghetti alla Carbonara that was pushed over the top by the application of this sauce. Oh my GOD was so good I actually regurgitated it a few times in my mouth after the meal just to taste it again...or maybe that was just acid reflux...either way it was just as tasty the second time. Buy it, you cannot go wrong with it, much like you cannot go wrong taking the Jets here. This is my HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY ATE 3/4 OF A BOX OF PASTA AND DAMN NEAR A PACKAGE OF BACON AND I STILL WANT MORE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

Oakland at NY Giants UNDER 38

Look, the Raiders havent let anyone put up over 29 points on them this season and they haven't scored a touchdown in 2 weeks with 9 points being their total offensive output in that span. The Raiders shut out a Tampa offense that is actually better than the Raiders. All this adds up to another really, really, low scoring game. Unless the Giants win 39-0, with an injured Eli Manning and a running game that will run the clock down quick, this game is going under. Take the Giants, its my Super Mega Ultra Special Upside Jigga Generic-Cliched Words pick of the week.

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE -9

I have inside information on this game that YOU NEED TO KNOW...and if i had a 1-800 number I could let you know, but I don't so you will have to trust me. This is my 4 star, game of the year pick! Home team covers this large 9 point spread. The Bengals are yeah and they will be exposed this as such! Take Baltimore -9, thats right the RAVENS giving 9 points is your pick! Bet this right and you will be set to gamble the REST OF THE YEAR...HON!

PITTSBURGH -10.5 at Detroit

Yea, the Steelers should cruise this week and they might be getting the heart and soul of their D back when Troy Polamalu returns. Detroit has been beat down by more than 10 points in all 3 of their losses...and why not make it 4 for 4? By the way, you notice how large the spread are this week? So far we've had a 10, two 9's, two 14.5, now a 10.5. I mean, what happened to parity? Jesus! Take the Stillers, eat all the Primanti Bros you want after you win, you'll need it to absorb the alcohol you will ingest so you can stand to watch this blowout.

ATLANTA +2.5 at San Francisco

San Fran has surprised many with its 3-1 record, beating the Cardinals, Rams and Seahawks and losing to the Vikings by just 3 points. Meanwhile Atlanta is coming off a bye week at 2-1, losing once to the Patriots...San Fran is getting way too much respect here. This is a gimme, take the Falcons, the 49ers are impressing people, but lets not crown them yet. The Falcons are a solid team and should win this game out right. Take the Falcons, ITS MY FIVE POINTED STAR DEVIL MAY CARE PICK OF THE WEEK!

NEW ENGLAND -3 at Denver

I mean really, in what would should the Patriots ever be favored by just 3 points against the Broncos? I mean, these Broncos barely beat the Bengals and have beat the Cowboys, Raiders and Browns...hardly stout competition. Belichik taught Josh McDaniels all he knows...except how to beat the King. Not this week for the brash young coach, like the late James Brown said "I taught them everything they know...not everything I know." Take the Patriots, this is my GET UP PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG SEX MACHINE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE ME WANNA KISS MYSELF PICK OF THE WEEK!

Houston at Arizona UNDER 50

Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks this game is going to be some 35-29 high scoring fiasco, but I am not buying that hype. Arizona is at home and coming off a bye week allowing them 2 weeks to prepare for this offense. This game will have plenty of fireworks, but its not going above 50 points total. Fade the public and take the under safely here peoples. If I had a fade of the week, this would be it.

Jacksonville at Seattle

I can only find this line at one sportsbetting site and they have Jacksonville favored by 3. The rest of the sports gambling world it is off the board due to Hasselbeck's questionable status right now. So, i'm not going to do a huge writeup about this game and I am not going to include it in my picks for this week. But, if I had to make a pick, I'd take Jacksonville, even if the spread is 3.


CLEVELAND +210 at Buffalo

Well isnt this game a stinker? Toss a coin, I dunno. Seriously, no team deserves to win this game. Buffalo is favored by 6 at home and they need to win because when they dont, the crime rate jumps in Buffalo. Meanwhile, the Browns are winless and traded their former best receiver away for a couple of gritty role players to shake things up a little. Will it work? Who knows. What I do know is, i don't feel confident in the Bills winning by a touchdown, nor do I feel confident the Browns will let them. No, where I see value in this matchup is the moneyline bet. +210 is just juicy enough to want to gamble since the Browns do actually have a chance here, not a good chance, but a double my damn money chance if they win. Take the Browns, gamble a little to double your cash and when you do, find me and shake my hand...if you dont, please dont punch me in the face. THIS IS MY DO NOT DARE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE PICK OF THE WEEK! Oh...also the Upset Special seeing as I am picking a 6 point underdog to win outright. Trapper, this one's for you.


INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Tennessee

I am officially done with the Titans like I am done with the Redskins. Every week I bet on them to break out of this slump and every week they disappoint me. Obviously, Jim Schwartz was a fucking genius and his absence is a void that cannot be filled by any other mortal being. Screw this team, take the Colts, Peyton Manning is playing the best football of his career, their defense is getting healthier every second, they have 2 running backs and 3 receivers playing exceptionally well, their offensive line is are they only favored by 3.5? You know what this means? LOCK OF THE WEEK. Thats right...i just did that. And while you're in Nashville watching your Titans lose, hit up Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge because no trip to that city is complete without it.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Cleveland Browns Can't Do Movies Right Either

Brady Quinn, swollen balls, staph infections, Braylon Edwards, Eric Mangina. It's easy to make a list of everything that's wrong with the Browns. You want to kill some time? Make a list of the things the Browns do right. While you do that, we'll add the cinematic shit show below to the list of Browns failures.

G4 came across this ... I don't even know what the hell this is. Masters of the Gridiron is a movie made by the 1985 Browns and Tiny Tim. It makes less sense than Billy Ocean's Loverboy video.

Oh but wait. There's more!

Get your head around that. I'm sure we'll find a Part 3 where John Elway and the Broncos steal the ring from Mike Babb and Ernest Byner. Don't let our sorry attempts at sarcasm fool you. Anything starring Mike Pagel is aight by us.

Link via

Raymond Domenech Has That Je Ne Sais Quoi

Catherine Ringer may be the only person in France who hearts French national team manager Raymond Domenech besides his wife. The former porn star has a hit with her song Je Kiffe Raymond (I Fancy Raymond). How can you deny lyrics such as “If he attacked my penalty areas, I would be without defenders”? How can you deny that unibrow and "Time to make the doughnuts" 'stache? I know I can't.

It's inexplicable how he still has a job after France's performance in Euro 2008 and in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers. He must have pictures of Sébastien Chabal, Gerard Depardieu and a donkey running a train on President Sarkozy.

The song has raised his approval ratings despite his dismal record and non-existent appeal (if you believe his public relations adviser). Negative to zero is a start. If you must hear the song, you can find it here. Hope you like it when your ears get debacled.

The ESPYs Need To Step Their Game Up

The televised circle jerk and LeBron suck-off otherwise known as the ESPYs is an abortion of an awards show (as if there are good awards shows). This isn't news to anyone who has sat through an entire show or been subjected to non-stop replays on ESPN weeks after the show.

Since the ESPYs are here to stay, ESPN might want to take a page from the Brownlow Medal Show. You want an awards show? They'll give you an awards show replete with drunken hosts and ass grabbing. Take a gander at Carlton player and Street Talk host Brendan Fevola. In a word? Awesome.

Pressure point!* Steven Seagal! WOOOOOO! Why can't Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis get housed and rough up Mike and Mike during the awards? Fevola had a lotta mo.
Fevola did not hold back as he simulated sex for the cameras, puckered up for some unsuspecting WAGs and bystanders, and swore black and blue while interviewing players and guests.

Accompanied by a cameraman and sound assistant, Fevola had several mishaps, including knocking a full bottle of beer out of Western Bulldog Adam Cooney's hand that went flying into the crowd.

The outrageous footballer lurched and fell on to a barricade as Carlton skipper Chris Judd and girlfriend Rebecca Twigley came tohis aid.

Holding a fist full of notes, Fevola then tried to pay a waiter more than $500 for giving him free alcohol.

"Just keep it," Twigley said to the confused waiter as she tried to steady Fevola. Even stern and heavily pregnant on-again-off-again wife Alex could not calm down the wobbly Blues player.

"Brendan, I'm telling you, stop drinking," Alex said.

"But I just did Street Talk," Fevola slurred.

"Oh yeah, that went really well," Alex said.

Richmond's Nathan Brown took over Fevola's Footy Show duties, as the Blues bad boy continued to party hard.

Fevola was seen on the balcony at the River Room, where the after-party was held, smoking cigarettes in the rain and vomiting.
The crowd at the awards show was not pleased with the self-righteous hosts of the show who refused to show more footage of Fevola's antics. He should be given some credit. At least he made it to the show.

The Bulldogs' Jason Akermanis didn't even make it to the show because he got shitfaced the afternoon of the medal show. He went out with teammates to celebrate the end of the season but was supposed to attend the show that night. His wife was forced to pick him up from the pub in her evening wear but he was in no shape to attend the show.
Akermanis offered a medal-worthy explanation: "I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it's fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn't execute the plan all that well."

Dana Jacobsen had the right idea until the man shut her down. Fevola didn't fare much better. He was fined AU$10,000 and kicked off the Footy Show. Way to Mutu his ass.

* Here is the incident Fevola was referring to when he was yelling "Pressure Point!" and "Steven Seagal!" at Chris Judd.

Dog The Bounty Hunter Has Nothing On Issac Hayes

Here's your random WTF video of the day. Do what the trailer says and hide your mamas. Seriously, do it. Here's Issac Hayes as starring as Truck Turner, a bounty hunter who don't take no jive from any turkeys.

Fart Box Might Have Some Competition In Chicago

We brought you the story of the Arizona Cardinals' Fart Box also known as Darnell Dockett back in January. He turned dropping ass into performance art in the Southwest. The Bears, on the other hand, aren't about to let anyone shart or make a Jackson Pollock in Halas Hall.

Defensive tackle Anthony Adams detailed the Bears' self-imposed system of fines in his Chicago Tribune blog. Falling asleep in a meeting is $20. Jumping offsides during a game is $100. The best fine may be $20 for farting.
"Mark Anderson might be the worst (gas-passer) ever. He takes these protein shakes, so he smells like little babies do. He's the worst at getting the fines and then saying he didn't do it. I know he got that fine for that extra shove in the Steelers game. He wouldn't let anybody see how much it was. We don't get him (an extra fine) for that. When the league gets you, we leave you alone.

I don't get fines for (passing gas). I leave outside the meeting room and do my dirt."
Fart Box ain't scurred of no fine. He'll kill a protein shake then drop a deuce at the drop of a fart.

Maybe we should go easy on Adams. Whatever Adams dropped made Eli give the Gas Face and fumble. That had to get the Fart Box seal of approval.

It's obvious to observers of the beautiful game in the US that Freddy Adu wasted too much time screwing around in the MLS and finger banging JoJo. He should have gone to an Italian, Dutch or French soccer academy where he could have developed his game at a top level as opposed to starring in a league that doesn't do anything for players of his age and raw, undeveloped skill.

Adu's been unable to secure a starting place in Portugal or France let alone regular playing time. Could this be the end of the boy wonder? Four Four Two takes a look at the premature demise of Freddy Adu.

Take Giuseppe Rossi of Villareal. Not only does he start for a La Liga (Spain) team but he's also made his way onto the Italian national team. No small feat for a kid from Teaneck, New Jersey. His parents sent him to Italy in his teens and the results speak for themselves.

Adu's not finished yet but he needs to establish himself somewhere and fast as opportunity is quickly passing him by. If his run of poor form and bad luck continues, he won't even be able to bag a Kardashian. It's not all bad. He'll always have Ja Rule.

Roger Federer Should Stay Away From Freestyling

It's probably the rosé talking but Roger Federer knows how to rile up some neutrals. The last thing anyone wants is a crowd of aggro Swiss. Blame it on him if they go mental and hide more dictator assets. Check this video of him improvising a song about the "mighty" Swiss.

At least he's dealing with French Swiss. If he was dealing with the Germans, they probably would have invaded San Marino and Andorra before annexing France.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Its a Little Early for Halloween Isnt It?

Apparently Master Chief from Halo is a New Orleans Saints fan. Who knew?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 4 Pick Em

Last week wasn't horrible, but it wasn't amazing either. I finished up 9-7 here, and missed on the Upset Special but hit on my Lock of the week. Overall, I am 25-22 and 1-2 on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials. Like I said, not bad, but not great. We can do better, and we will this week. HERE WE GO. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Emily C from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +9 at Houston

The Raiders are a horrible team, just horrible, but as bad as they are, Houston's D is worse. They are, and have been for awhile, the worst defense in the league. Its hard to be this bad for this long, but they are and have been. For this and this reason only, I am picking the Oakland Raiders to cover. With a D this bad, Oakland might not ever have to actually throw the ball and, really, why would they? JaMarcus Russel is scary bad. Take the Raiders and get yourself a big puffy Raiders Starter jacket with it, kickin it old skool boyeeeeee.

TENNESSEE -3 at Jacksonville

Tennessee is the best 0-3 team in football, hands down, and I will keep putting money on them until they win a damn game. Certainly they should have no problem putting away the hapless Jaguars at their home. 3 points is a gimme here. Take two Titans -3 and call me in the morning.

CINCINNATI -6 at Cleveland

You're kidding me right? The real question is how does Cincinnati screw this game up so they don't win by more than 6 points. They are perfectly capable of this and we all know it, but do not let that persuade you into making a bet on the home dog. You are better than that and you know it. Just look at this game as a gift from the gambling God, Gamblor. He knows you cannot resist a juicy line like that so don't. Gamblor is a spiteful God. Do not anger him by turning down gifts. Once you win this bet, make sure you go straight to under your bathroom sink where you have your mini slot machine surrounded by candles and a picture of the Cthulhu-like monster that is Gamblor and pay your respects to the God that controls you.

New York Giants at Kansas City OVER 42

Everyone knows the Giants are going to win this game and after shutting out Tampa last week, everyone anticipates this game to be just as big a blowout, hence the 9 points that the Giants are favored by. But is 9 too much? Over 80% of the action is on the Giants and this line has not budged. I smell a rat. What I expect this time is that their D will give up points, their offense will score more, and in the end, it will be a 31-14 type score with thanks to a garbage time score for the Chiefs. If that score actually happens, my wife gets dinner at a restaurant of her choice...if she is actually reading this of course.

DETROIT +10 at Chicago

What, exactly, have the Bears done this year to be 10 point favorites against anyone? I'm waiting...yeah, I thought so, nothing. The Lions have at least proved one thing this year, that they are one game better than last year. That is always nice to get out of the way in the 3rd week. They wont win this game, but they aren't going to get blown out either. Culter doesn't have those kinds of weapons here and the Bears' defense, while solid, has seen better days. Take the Lions, but first, you need have a yard sale on Saturday morning. Think of it as fall cleaning, you slob. Get rid of all that clutter like old books, t-shirts, silverware, plates, watches, couches, televisions, your children and take all that money and throw it on this game. You'll thank me for it.

TAMPA BAY +9 at Washington

Yea, if you read last week, you know that I said that if the Redskins didn't cover, I would bet against them the rest of the season, no matter what the line was. Well, they didn't cover, so here we are picking Tampa. Luckily, this week, I actually like Tampa to cover this one since I don't believe the Redskins can beat anyone by more than a field goal this season. I'm still rooting for my 'skins to win...but I ain't betting on them ever again. Take the Bucs, they wont win, but the Redskins can't help but make this game close.

Seattle at INDIANAPOLIS -10.5

That is a LOT of points. A LOT of them. I'm not sure, but over 10 point favorites never seem to do that well in the NFL, someone should look that why am I picking the Colts? Because they are freakin good and the Seneca Wallace show isn't going to be able to keep up with them, especially with Julius Jones looking like he's running through quicksand. Oh, and I have to take one of these massive home favorites at some point, so here we are. Take the Colts and the points, act like a total barstool pundit while you're doing it and when you win kick everyone that mocked you right in the balls. They deserve it.


Last week the Bills proved that you can slow down the Saints mighty offense and the Jets will put all sorts of pressure on Drew Brees to prove that you can slow them down enough to win. Thing is, I dont think they will. With all that pressure, someone's gotta be open, and Brees is good enough to find them. The Saints' defense, however, has become blitz happy as well now that Gregggggggg Williams is their new coordinator and they will put the heat on young Mark Sanchez forcing him into finally showing the league that he is, indeed, a rookie. After you win this, shake a magic 8 ball and ask it if you are the man...signs will point to YES.

Buffalo at MIAMI +1

This is a game separated by two camps. Those that went to Michigan and believe that Chad Henne will actually win this game, thus proving he actually does belong in the NFL...and there is the rest of the world that knows he doesn't. I fall in the latter of the two camps but I know something you may not and this might amaze you but...Miami runs the ball a TON. Henne will really just have to hand the damn ball off and they will beat Buffalo at home this week. On the defensive side, even Jason Taylor, who looks like he is playing the role of Bruce Smith in his last year, can sack Trent Edwards with the Buffalo O Line in front. Take the 'phins, enjoy the 1 point cushion you have, relax in that easy chair you have and win you win your big me an easy chair like the one you have. I need me some lay-z-boy action.

DALLAS -3 at Denver

Denver is not a very good team. Oh, I know they are 3-0, but really, trust me, they are not a very good team. Don't trust them. It pains me to go with Dallas here, but you have to pick them. Denver's stats have been padded by playing the Raiders and the Browns the last two games, any team will look like a champion with that schedule. In this game, they will come down to earth. Orton will come down to earth. Their D will realize they still do not have a defensive line as Barber and Choice gash them for 200+ yards. Dallas wins this...well, just pray Romo doesnt screw this up. Take the Cowboys, buy yourself a pony when you win...for the kids of course.

San Diego at Pittsburgh OVER 43

Both teams have been hit by injuries and I have no idea who is going to win this game. What I do know is that both teams are hurting at RB and even with healthy RB's they love to sling the ball. There is going to be a lot of clock stoppages and big plays and this will be one exciting, high scoring game. Take the over and don't look back. No idea who is going to win...but points will be scored!! After you bet this game and before you sit down to watch it, make sure you buy yourself a seat belt for your're going to need it.

GREEN BAY +3.5 at Minnesota

The revenge game, on Monday night, can it get any better? Yes...if Brett Favre loses this game. That will make it perfect. This will be a squeaker, take the road dog yet again this week. If Brett Favre actually beats his old team at least we know that we are already in Hell.


BALTIMORE +1 at New England

Its a rare day that I pick against the Patriots at home, but this is one of those days, I'm going Ravens here. Why? Well after the Jets gave the Pats fits I kinda think the Ravens can do the same thing with their D. Also, the Ravens' offense is better. Their running backs are better, they are deeper at WR, their line is playing better, and Flacco is, right now, playing better football than Football Fabio Tom Brady. Come to think of it, the Ravens are just a better team all around right now. Be gutsy, be a man (or woman) and do what you know is right and pick against the Pats at home. When you make this call and you win, you're going to want to do exactly what I am going to do...which, of course, is to run outside and rip your shirt off full-on Hulkamania stylie and scream "I AM A FUCKING SPORTS BETTING GOD!"...especially if you are a woman you might want to consider this.


St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -9

Lets see, Bulger is hurting, their best receiver (and a revelation at the position for the team) Laurent Robinson is out for the year and their defense is wretched. They only thing the Rams have going for them is poor Steven Jackson, whose talents are being wasted more than Marshall Faulk's were when he was with the Colts. It'd be awesome if they repaid the Colts for giving them Faulk and give them Jackson, not because i like the Colts, but because i REALLY feel bad for Jackson. Pick the 49ers here and watch this game if you can. You might see Mike Singletary blow a groin from jockin his players so hard.

And while your in San Francisco, make sure you hit up Burger Meister. Gourmet burgers...can you go wrong? No, especially when they look like this!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.