Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Two Man Enter, One Man Leave

13:45 and counting. No more bullshit. Manchester United is through. One semifinal left. Chelsea vs. Liverpool. 2:45 EST. Only one genre has the words. Yacht Rock.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

What I Thought Was A B**ch Was Nuthin' But A Man

When will the bad times end for AC Milan and Brazil striker Ronaldo? Once he was almost the greatest soccer player in the history of the universe. Now he's fat, gimpy and getting rolled by trannies.

Ronaldo was questioned by police in Sao Paulo after being caught with transvestite hookers in a motel room. He claimed the bitches set him up (Marion Barry would be proud) and tried to extort money out of him. He was unaware that the hookers were trannies until they got to the hotel but he was aware that they were prostitutes.
[Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women. The inspector said Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met earlier Sunday night but did not realize they were transvestites until they got to the motel.

"He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun," Nogueira said. "But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best."

...The AC Milan striker told police he offered to pay the transvestites anyway, but before he left one of them allegedly asked for $30,000 to hide the story from the media.
The prostitutes claimed Ronaldo also asked for drugs but he denied this in a statement to Globo TV.

Prostitution isn't a crime in Brazil so Ronaldo isn't in trouble with the law.He must be happy that he won't be going back to Milan in the near future. AC Milan owner, Italian prime minister and all-around buffoon Silvio Berlusconi probably ordered him to use hookers to keep his cardio up while rehabbing his knee.

Perhaps Madonna Hasn't Finished Off Guy Ritchie's Soul Yet

Here's a preview of Guy Ritchie's new Nike Football commercial which will be shown in its entirety during today's Champions League match between Manchester United and Barcelona. It features Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cesc Fabregas, William "Wah" Gallas, Marco Materazzi, and Arsene Wenger. Ronaldinho, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Ruud Van Horseyface also appear in the ad.

Tigers Fans Start Drinking Young

You know your season is going bad when 7 year olds are drinking in the stands. 47 year old Tigers fan, Christopher Ratte lost custody of his son for a week because his 7 year old son was caught drinking a bottle of Mikes Hard Lemonade in the stands. Ratte's son was thirsty towards the end of a game and asked for a bottle of lemonade and Ratte obliged but he unknowingly purchased his son a bottle of "hard lemonade", not knowing that it contained any alcohol.
"I'd never drunk it, never purchased it, never heard of it," Ratte of Ann Arbor told [the reporter] sheepishly last week. "And it's certainly not what I expected when I ordered a lemonade for my 7-year-old."

A security guard saw the boy drinking it, took the bottle away from the kid, scolded the parent, called the police over and took Ratte in for questioning for an hour while his son was taken to a hospital for observation. The child was then kept from Ratte and his wife for two days in foster care, then once released, it was another week before Ratte could go back to his house and be around his son.

Bit of an overreaction sure, but, sadly, the officials all pretty much followed the law on this one. Still though, quite a mess. Poor kid probably had no idea what was going on...and not because he was hittin the bottle hard. Apparently the kid didn't even get drunk. All of that and he didn't even get sauced? Methinks that 7 year old already has a pretty solid tolerance...or Mike's is just a weak excuse for an alcoholic beverage. I want to believe the former is true, but the reality is the latter.

Of course, if i were a fan of the Tigers right now, I would be tipping back as many beers as I could to make it through a game...oh wait, i'm a Nationals fan...they're so sad I'm drunk right now and its an off game. Go Nats!

From Detroit Free Press

The guys at FanIQ are celebrating the 25th anniversary of Lee Elia's rant on Cubs fans. You have to click here to listen to the clip of the greatest sports tirade ever. EVER.

Barry Bonds Doesn't Need A Team To Win

This is almost a half hour of footage of Barry Bonds taking on a Japanese comedian for some Japanese television show. You get to see some of Barry at his bulked up best, cranking balls left and right out of a small ballpark in California, beating the crap out of his opponent in a live action Baseball Board Game.

That alone is cool to watch but the amazing thing here is how much Barry seems to be genuinely enjoying himself. I don't ever think I've seen Bonds smile and laugh this much, ever. It's actually quite fun to watch him playing baseball without the weight of the world bearing down on his shoulders. Barry Bonds smiling, laughing and having fun, it's been a long time. You forget how likable he can be when he doesn't have the media and professional pressures beating him down.

Watch it now before it gets taken down because it probably will soon.

Bonds Art From George Vlosich's Art Gallery

The Hand Check Is Illegal But.... one said anything about a groin check. No foul here...totally legal.

Constitutional Vol. "Two In A Row"

Who woulda thought I could get two of these up in a row? I surely didn't. Enjoy the links...Welcome to the Constitutional.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Roger Clemens Likes Em Young?

The NY Daily News is reporting that Roger Clemens had a 10 year affair with country music star Mindy McCready that started when she was just 15 years old. At the time Clemens was 28 years old and pitching for the Red Sox, with a wife and two kids. They are also reporting that Clemens denies their friendship was of a sexual nature, but admits that they were friends during that time period.

"He flatly denies having had any kind of an inappropriate relationship with her," [Clemens attorney Rusty] Hardin said. "He's considered her a close family friend. ... He has never had a sexual relationship with her."

Hardin said the Rocket's wife, Debbie, knew McCready and that the singer had traveled on his plane.

Riiiiiight Roger. I know a ton of professional athletes that consider 15 year old girls to be close personal friends and allow them to fly on their personal planes all the time without having to give any sexual favors whatsoever. It's practically standard practice in the MLB isn't it? Isn't it?? Anyway, if he was giving the bone to a 15 year old girl with stars in her eyes, the emotional damage that usually follows might explain some of the reasons why McCready is so messed up as a human being to this day. If you don't know, McCready has quite a storied past including identity theft, assault and battery, DUIs, a drug overdose, a suicide attempt, and parole violation. She apparently is addicted to Oxycontin (an opiate) and served a year in jail for her parole violation. That's her in a glamorous photoshoot mugshot there. Hottie fo' sho', well maybe she was when she was 15. Ew...lets not think about that.

Roger is sure gonna have some 'splaining to do and more denials just isn't cutting it. It's tough to believe every single story that has been written about this guy has been wrong or misremembered or whatever. It just smells off to me, bad news is all around this guy lately. Say what you will about Barry Bonds, but at least there are no stories about that guy doing this to a girl.

From NY Daily News

Condom Killer Loose In Chapel Hill

Ramming speed! One usually thinks of a child killing his or her parent to escape an abusive situation or over a dispute about money. It usually doesn't occur because the son wants to be the UNC mascot.

Former mascot Rameses XVII was given a Kool Moe Dee Death Blow by his son, Pablo during a battle over the right to lead the Tar Heels football team out on the field this fall.
Rameses and Pablo shared a field at Hogan's farm outside Carrboro. On April 13, they butted heads, as rams are occasionally wont. This particular collision was so jarring that it snapped off one of the older ram's horns.

The son Pablo, 3, will take the name Rameses XVIII and succeed his slain father as Carolina mascot, keeper Rob Hogan said.
Doesn't Pablo know what happened to Commodus in Gladiator? His reign will not end well. It is written. Never trust your children.

How's That Jason Kidd Trade Working Out?

Not a Flagrant 2?

Now that's leadership. Nice knowing you, Avery.

From Odenized

Evo Morales: President And Maradona?

Bolivian president Evo Morales has solved Bolivia's class and gas problems. He must have since he's found enough time to join a second-division soccer team.

Morales joined second-division Litoral and played 41 minutes in a loss to Deportivo Municipal. Surprisingly he didn't score. If you're the president, you should be able to fix the match. He doesn't have a problem trying to fix laws and the economy so why should a soccer game be any different?

How great would it be if presidents and prime ministers had a phys ed requirement? Gordon Brown could be forced to do rhythmic gymnastics. Mahmoud Ahmedinejad would make a great jockey. If Ariel Sharon didn't choke himself out on shawarma and hummus, he would have made a solid professional wrestler.

It Ain't Over Yet

Avram's victory hearse may roll down King's Road yet.

Karl Malone: Father of the Year

Karl Malone's powerful man juice has now spread beyond the world of professional basketball and into the world of professional football. It's widely known that one of former NBA great Karl Malone's bastard children is budding WNBA superstar Cheryl Ford (who was born the same year as his daughter with his current wife), but now the world will get to know another creation of Karl Malone's super DNA, new Buffalo Bills offensive lineman Demetrius Bell.

Unfortunately for Bell, he didn't get the chance to reconnect with his dead-beat father like Ford did. While Ford currently enjoys a dad-daughter relationship with Malone, Bell tried to connect with Karl and got this response:
"It was too late for him to be his father and that Bell would 'earn his money on his own,'"

Damn Karl, that's cold. Besides playing football at a reasonably high level, Demetrius was a decent ballplayer too, taking Northwestern State to the NCAA tournament in 2006 and beating Iowa. He also shares his father's proclivity for finely trimmed beards. I guess Karl didn't think he was was enough of a prospect to earn his attention or something?

Maybe he should have tried to contact him before he was 18 like Ford did so he could get some child support money...or maybe he had the mistake of being conceived while Karl Malone was actually married to his current wife? Oops, tough luck kid...don't try to take no money from the Mailman now. You earn that on your own since you're an adult, no child support for you son. Good thing you got into the NFL, boy.

Either way, Karl Malone, for your promiscuity and your blatant disregard for the holy sacrament of marriage, the use of birth control, and the responsibility for the care of all of your children (even the ones you want to forget about) you sir, deserve to be nominated for father of the year. The Deuce's hat is off to you Karl, but really, true congratulations goes out to Demetrius Bell for making it to the pros without any of that asshat's help.

Seagalogy should be a major at every college and university

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Here's a thought in case you're thinking about advertising the fact that you're in the cheating market on Facebook. Don't.

University of Buffalo's Andy Robinson (posterized on the right) tried to solicit someone to read a book and write a 3-4 page paper on it.
Robinson admitted posting a message on [Facebook] last week that read: “I am paying anybody who have read the book ‘there are no children here’ by Alex Kotlowitz $30-40 which in some classes you have to read at UB (even more money if you have to read the book a little more!!) to write a 3-4 page paper, on a couple questions which was assigned.”
Robinson was suspended indefinitely for his efforts after another student saw the posting and alerted the school newspaper. He took it down and completed the assignment.

For his next trick, Robinson will solicit ladyboys and untaxed cigarettes on MySpace. The enriched uranium requests will go on Friendster.

Robinson should consider himself lucky. Honor code violators at UVA are strung up and beaten like Russians clubbing the fuck out of a baby seal.
It's not bad enough that they have Landycakes. Now the LA Galaxy hates your freedom.

Caption Contest: NFL Draft Edition

This picture comes via the front page of as of 11:00 Sunday night. Did I miss something? What hell is going on here?
Don't worry, Rick. No one's calling you.

Multiply The B**ch Up

"Yeah ho, 7th Floor after the game. Bring some Magnums...Nah, nah it ain't like that. Ho's short for honey. We drop the "ney" like you drop to your knees."

I received great news today via text. I can't consider it anything other than destiny. I knew having the 7th Floor Crew on my iPod and as MySpace friends would pay off. Now I can blast them every Sunday when Tavares "T-Good" Gooden a.k.a. the Big Dick Bandit or Seventh Floor King Ding-A-Ling lines up with the Baltimore Ravens. Best pick of the draft as far as I'm concerned.

He needs to get in the studio with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Willis McGahee to make some hot tracks as the Pigtown Crew ASAP.

Constitutional Vol. "Post NFL Draft Linkage"

Been a long time since we've had one of these eh? Now is as good a time as any to throw out some links. Maybe i can try to make this a regular least for a week or so. We'll see. I doubt it. I spent this past weekend following the NFL draft on my blackberry, while I was wandering around doing wedding stuff. Not the way I really envisioned my NFL draft day festivities. I even attended a bridal convention this weekend, and if you don't know what one of those is, then consider yourself lucky. Its a level of hell I do not wish upon any man. In any case, welcome to the Constitutional:

  • You have to scroll down to read the last line of this Mock Draft. It's worth it. Detroit Free Press

  • Barry Zito apologizes for sucking.

  • Great post of the top 10 celebrity pinball machines ever. I want to buy all of them. On 205th

  • The Odenized video playoffs is still going on. NESW Sports

  • Australia has signed a vocal coach to get their fans louder...seriously. The Beautiful Game

  • For all you Redskins fans, he's a quality draft recap for you in case you missed it. Hogs Haven

  • Brian Billick, your new Fox Analyst. The Ebony Bird

  • The Mets' Joe Smith caught heckling the fans...this video was taken off the Metsblog, corporate shenanigans abound. Can't Stop The Bleeding

  • Following in the Deuce's proud tradition of what's new in non-sports we have an "other" sports update. Food Court Lunch

  • Packers don't seem to be showing much faith in Aaron Rogers. Larry Brown Sports

  • Undercover male prostitutes found around the home of the Wizards/Capitals. Truthaboutit

  • Gator tries to eat man on golf course. Tampa Online

  • A 6 year look at MLB team a stat's geek, this is fun stuff. The Biz of Baseball

  • Football Outsiders go to town on the NFL draft. Interesting reading. Football Outsiders

  • Take the NFL Referee quiz. Why not? East Coast Bias

Friday, April 25, 2008

This Man Is Not Happy About Pacman Coming To Town

The best line has to be "Why don't they sign Osama Bin Laden? He's 6'4 and we KNOW no one can catch him!" That is a classic line from Dallas' WFAA sports guy Dale Hansen.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Pacman!

The Cowboys are going to tell Pacman where to go out? Yeah this will end well.
"[Players will] tell him where to go for a good time and give him the names of various places he should avoid. They'll invite him to their frequent off-season pool and bowling outings and their weekly dinners during the season.

But the players insist they're not going to be part of Jerry Jones' security force.

They're not going to be chaperoning Pacman. Or calling him to make sure he's home by midnight. Or having the bouncers at various strip clubs phone them when he's on the premises."
Pacman should avoid anything related to clubs, bars, strippers and Nate Newton. Done and done.

Kenny Smith + Aston Martin = FAIL

We'll say one thing about Kenny Smith. The man knows how to come back from defeat. First it was Justin Timberlake and now it's British engineering.

Corporate's Got Sports In A Chokehold

Now that's a Marlboro Woman.

Tell us something we didn't know. The pure sports we love have been contaminated by corporate money. No longer is it the game you used to love where companies you knew cared about you and the game sponsored teams and leagues. Remember when Copenhagen could advertise and give away free dip? There was nothing like spitting on the head of some little kid the row below you while watching Joe Altobelli kick some dirt. To be nine again... '83 was an fine year.

In a move the NFL would applaud, bottled water has been banned from major league dugouts. It's been proven that water is bad for your health so it has been replaced with Gatorade, the "official sports drink" of MLB.
...Instructions were sent that no player could be seen drinking anything but Gatorade in the dugout. Not even Aquafina, which is the "official water" of MLB. Not even bottles of water with the labels removed.

White Sox clubhouse personnel said if players take bottled water onto the bench, all the bottled water will be removed from the clubhouse as punishment.
Well done, Bud. Whether it's steroids or water, baseball will not idly stand by and watch our children be corrupted by negative influences in the game.

We can't wait until Gatorade is replaced by Wild Turkey or Key Food brand Prune Juice.

Rich Rodriguez: A Real American Hero

If there was a reality show called Saban Idol in which college football coaches compete to be the ultimate scumbag, Rich Rodriguez would definitely make the national tour. He hasn't even coached a single game at Michigan yet and he's made enough enemies to fill up the Big House.

Lineman Justin Boren has decided to transfer to Ohio State from Michigan. He announced he was leaving Michigan a month ago due to "an erosion of family values". Whatever the fuck that means. Was he looking for a strong stance on marriage within the coaching staff? Maybe Rodriguez & Co. didn't show enough support for the Defense of Marriage Act.

Good thing Boren's not from Michigan. He could never go home again. He'll have to sit out a year and then walk-on as he cannot receive a scholarship from Ohio State.

As if that wasn't bad enough, West Virginia has released documents showing that Rodriguez pursued the Michigan job without being approached. Documents obtained through discovery in the WVU lawsuit against Rodriguez show that his representatives contacted Michigan three days before he interviewed for the head coaching job.

Nick Saban just shed a tear and said, "That's my boy."
Super Nintendo Chalmers is going pro.

It's Funny Because It's True

John Arne Riise might notice a new line on his next payslip. A handsome bonus from Chelsea Football Club.

Riise gifted Chelsea a last-minute own-goal in Tuesday's Champions League semifinal match. He may have turned the tide in Chelsea's favor for next week's second leg at Stamford Bridge. Witness the glory that is Norway.

As comical as Riise may have been, former Liverpool player/coach Phil "Big Nose" Thompson's reaction was just as priceless.

In the words of Homer Simpson, it works on so many levels.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Don't Feel Bad. Australia Can't Digest Korn Either

Since sports bloggers are coming out of the closet left and right, we might as well do the same. We're not gonna lie. There's a whole lotta melanin flowin' over here. In spite of that, we do enjoy a good metal or punk show. However we no longer see any point in being anywhere near the mosh pit. Any attempt at moshing near us will most likely be met with a kick to the knee or a sharp Shawn Bradley elbow to the temple or Adam's Apple. A hard shove is nothing but an invitation to continue moshing. We're glad we're not the only ones that feel this way.

Australian rugby league players Ben Pomeroy, Dustin Cooper, Jacob Selmes and Brett Kearney were questioned by the police after a man claimed that one of them punched him during a Korn concert in Sydney on Sunday.
"I spoke to all four of them just quickly," [Cronulla Sharks chief executive Tony] Zappia said. "I just asked them if anything happened and they said no more than anything that normally happens in a mosh pit. They said they had nothing to hide. They don't know what they're supposed to have done.
You start moshing and there's a chance you could end up face down whether you're in the pit or not. It comes with the territory. There's no crying in the mosh pit.

The players can't be blamed for their actions. I probably would have lashed out in similar fashion if I found myself at a Korn concert. However they were solid in their South Park episode.

It could have been worse. Flying scissors kicks and windmill punches would have come out if it were a P.O.D. concert. No question weapons come out at a Papa Roach concert. I'd probably save myself the trouble and use them on myself. Then again that would be selfish as everyone else would continue to suffer.

Speaking of shit bands, here's a random thought. You may not like many bands out there but few actually make you contemplate violence and destruction when you hear them. Two that do? Sugar Ray and Smashmouth. Two of the worst bands in recent history. They should be forced to apologize for what they inflicted on the world.

When Keeping Your Pimp Hand Strong Goes Wrong

Great news for Cincinnati police blotter watchers! Odell Thurman's back in the league. You can't let a solid criminal like Chris Henry leave without replacing him. That's just good personnel work by Marvin Lewis and Bengals management. It's almost the Thunderdome way. One man enter, one man leave. They're visionary like Bill Walsh. Their core of criminals policy is as innovative as the West Coast offense.

The Seattle Seahawks know a great system when they see it. They have yet to master the criminal revolving door but they're getting there. It's an added bonus when you can replace a departing player from within the organization. Exit Jerramy Stevens. Enter Rocky Bernard.

Bernard was arrested for assaulting his ex who is also the mother of his child in a nightclub parking lot on Monday morning.
The former girlfriend and a friend said they saw Bernard, who turned 29 on Saturday, in an "altercation" with another woman at Ibiza, a club at 528 Second Ave. Bernard then walked toward the former girlfriend and punched her in the forehead with a closed fist, causing her head to strike a glass divider, according to a police report.

The victim, 22, and friend told police they ran to a car to get away. Bernard allegedly followed them as they shut the car doors and pounded the windows as they drove away, according to a police report.
In a strange way, his ex must feel a bit of pride knowing that Bernard would drop an altercation with another woman just to start one with her. It's clear he's not over her yet.

The Bengals must be wondering how Bernard slipped under their radar. Maybe they tried to sign him but the attraction of foam parties in Ibiza was too strong to resist.

You Can Take That To The Bank

Arvin Edwards would probably tell you that it helps if you take clean money to the bank instead of money extorted from Pacman Jones. Edwards found out the hard way when he was arrested for being the trigger man last year on the infamous "Make It Rain" night that put Pacman on the bench last season.

Pacman told police that Edwards extorted $15,000 from him after the NBA All-Star weekend shooting in Vegas. He paid the money on the advice of his friends who told him that Edwards would come after him if he didn't pay.
Police alleged in the documents that one of the go-betweens told Jones that if he refused to pay, the accused shooter would "go after Jones, his mother and daughter."

A childhood friend also contacted Jones, urging him to pay the money, the document said.
The money was paid in two installments after being given to a childhood friend who passed it on (presumably after taking a cut).

Edwards was charged with three counts of attempted murder with a weapon and three counts of battery with substantial bodily harm. There's no word on whether Pacman paid the money with garbage bags filled with bills of various denominations. Only if he could have bounced a stripper's head on the stage after paying. Ah memories.

Monday, April 21, 2008

At Least It's Not Called Rumors

Pro Athlete. Check.

Douchebags. Check.

Clichéd bar name. Check.

Welcome to Dale Ernhardt's Whiskey River. Your columnist wants to know if she can get a Malibu and Coke. She'll fit right in. As they say in Austin, "I love Malibu!! I know!!"

Das Ist Nicht Gut For The Mavs

Guess who TNT thinks is soft?

If you guessed last year's MVP, you'd be correct.
During the TNT telecast of the Toronto-Orlando game Sunday, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith criticized Nowitzki for not responding when West tapped him on the face a couple of times during a confrontation late in the game. West was upset because Nowitzki caught West on the lip with an elbow, although it did appear to be accidental.

"You can't let a man put his hand on your face in the playoffs," Johnson said.

"I love Dirk Nowitzki," Barkley said. "Terrific, great player. But they're trying to say to you, 'We think you're soft.' That's what it means.... You've got to slap his hand down, and then you got to say, 'Hey, let that guy drive to the basket' and then you've got to knock the hell out of him."

Smith said: "You have to punish them on the next couple of plays. The ball has to come to Dirk now, and he has to say, 'You know what? I'm going to really punish you for the disrespect of putting your hands in my face.'"
Dirk knows nothing about becoming the ubermensch. Maybe he's afraid of transcending. Nietzsche would be disappointed.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Bernard Hopkins Got Beat By A White Boy

There are a couple lessons we can take away from tonight's Bernard Hopkins-Joe Calzaghe fight in Vegas.

1. Never say never because it will happen.

2. Never invite Ray J to your function. You will lose just like him.

Bernard Hopkins said he would never lose to a white boy. Well he did and in convincing fashion. Joe Calzaghe came to America and walked out with a messy split decision win over Hopkins.

Once again we have a British fighter come to Vegas and again we trot out some half-ass R&B singer to butcher the national anthem. Both times, they roll out Tom Jones. What do we do? Against Hatton, it was Tyrese. Against Calzaghe, Ray fucking J?? Who's next? Johnny Kemp? J is only known for being Moesha's brother and making bootleg sex tapes with status hoes. A fucking national disgrace. I demand Full Force next fight. We must represent.

Hopkins knocked down Calzaghe in the 1st round and it looked like the fight would be over even before it started. Calzaghe managed to get up and slowly take the advantage even though it seemed as though Hopkins could take him at any moment.

Calzaghe maintained his pace and advantage through the 10th and that's when things got weird. Calzaghe brushed Hopkins' balls in a playful manner and he dropped to the canvas. Replays showed the punch barely hit Hopkins if at all. He soaked up the five minutes given to him by referee Joe Cortez and the crowd started to boo in recognition of his time-wasting tactics.

In the 11th, Hopkins claimed he was hit by a low blow again but this time, Cortez was having none of it and told him to fight on. Of course he showed no ill effects from the phantom punch. Flurries were thrown but it was clear at that point that the fight was going to a decision.

One judge actually had Hopkins ahead 114-113. If Hopkins won the fight, it would have been the biggest fix at UNLV since losing to Duke. Calzaghe was a gracious winner in his post-match interview while Hopkins claimed that although Calzaghe dominated for half the fight, he should have won. It's a good thing Max Kellerman didn't bring up the fact that he lost to a white boy. I would have called my bookie and took Hopkins over Kellerman in the 1st.

Hory F**king Shirt

That's what we think they'd be saying if this was dubbed over in Engrish.

Deuce of Davenport. Where lazy racial stereotypes and Japanese TV come to life. Go Cubs?

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Official Cricketer of The Deuce

It's been a while since we had a cricket post here at the Deuce, but with today being the opening match of the new Indian Premier League -- and as such, the world debut of big-money, franchise cricket (just a century or so behind every other major world team sport) -- we figured that it was time to bring you the latest on the greatest game that no one in America remotely understands.

We thought that a discourse about what the IPL means to the future of world cricket might be in order, or perhaps an essay on whether the big money and mercenary values of franchise Twenty20 can co-exist in the long run with Test and other multi-day versions of the sport. We considered publishing these even though we knew that they'd bore you to tears. Because someday, you're gonna care about cricket. But then, browsing the rosters of the new, ludicrously-named IPL squads (Chennai Super Kings? Kolkata Knight Riders?) we made a discovery.

The Deuce is proud to name its first Official Deuce Player in any sport: Napoleon Einstein, of the aforementioned Super Kings.

How can you not elevate to Official Player status a young man whose name sounds suspiciously like one of the names considered by Homer Simpson before he rechristened himself Max Power? In a week that saw Miggy Tejada admit that he's actually 53, how can you not establish as your Blog Icon a top-tier professional athlete who claims to be nearly 19, but clearly is a prepubescent 12 year old? Napoleon Einstein is a man(child) who actually claims to be older than he really is. That's a true phenom -- he levels the playing field by hiding his precociousness. The fact that he's an all-rounder is the icing on the cake.

But what we love best about Napoleon is the diffidence with which everyone treats his name. Does his Cricinfo page make any note of the fact that, you know, his name is Napoleon Fucking Einstein? No. Does his official team bio? Nope. They focus on his devotion to the game, and the fact that he just sprouted his first pube made the recent world champion Indian U-19 squad. That's badass. Try finding an article about God Shammgodd -- much less an official bio -- that doesn't focus on his moniker. Napoleon doesn't need the superficial hype. He lets his bat and his spin do the talking for him.

But we'll hype him anyway. Here's to you, Napoleon Einstein. We love you.

Marty Brennaman Hates Cubs Fans

To say that Marty Brennaman doesn't like Chicago Cubs fans would be a bit of an understatement. Here's a video with the audio from the Chicago Tribune of Marty Brennaman taking Cubs fans to task for throwing like 20 balls onto the field after a huge Adam Dunn home run at Wrigley Field. I'm not exactly sure what bug crawled up Brennaman's rear during the game, but he is appalled by that...very much so...and he wants you listeners out there to know it. Some people have no sense of humor I guess?

Gheorghe Muresan: An Interview

Here's a blast from the past for you. DC television sports reporter Tim Brant recently taped an interview with Gheorghe Muresan for Wizards Magazine. If you want to find out what Gheorghie is up to these days take a look below. You have to listen pretty closely because the big guy's accent is still pretty thick, but it isn't impossible, you don't need close captioning here. Gheorghe also goes into some talk about gigantism and his feelings towards Wizards owner Abe Polin (whom he obviously must love since he's still working for the 'Zards) and his time in the league. Pretty neat little 5 minutes to catch up with the tallest guy ever in the NBA. How can you not love good ole 77?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

There Are No Running Backs In This Dojo!

One thing that Michael Westbrook learned from his playing time in the NFL is that he loves hitting people. He loves hitting people so much, that he is currently pursuing a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu. Stephen Davis doesn't have anything to worry about anymore though because while Michael Westbrook might be best known for pummelling the crap outta Davis, he doesn't actually like to hit people in the face he says in an ESPN interview:
"I've never gotten a good feeling from hitting someone in the face,'' Westbrook said. "I had to do it growing up to defend myself, but I never liked it. A lot of people get off on that, but I don't want to do it.''
Well if he doesn't want to do that, why did he go nuts on Stephen Davis lo' those many years ago?
"He didn't call me a name,'' Westbrook said of Davis. "That's where it gets mixed up. It got reported and it got changed into something monstrous. I was talking to him, Brian Mitchell and Terry Allen. They were talking about 'letting us handle the team.' I was like, 'You all are a bunch of jealous [f----]. You all are just jealous of everything I have.'

"Stephen Davis told me I needed to shut up and all that stuff I was saying sounded like some gay [s---], like I'm soft, not like I'm gay. That's all he said. It wasn't like, 'You're gay,' but it got changed to that really quick. So the connotation is Michael Westbrook is gay.''

Ahh I see. He will only hit people in the face if they call him gay, but not gay meaning happy and not gay meaning homosexual but gay meaning soft and he won't like it while he's doing it. I wonder exactly what SD, Brian Mitchell and Terry Allen were jealous of anyway, it's not like their careers flamed out like his did? Anyway, the good news from this story is, Westbrook is happy now, he doesn't have to work since he stole millions from NFL teams and invested it well, he's becoming a master of jujitsu and its mellowed him out a bit while giving him the ability to pummel people with an even greater viciousness now more than ever, if he choses to do so.

Yes, Mr. Westbrook, you are in a good place, but still, fuck you. Your sucking for the Redskins along with Heath Shuler and Desmond Howard are in all of my nightmares.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

She-male, The Prince ... Princess of ... Ah Forget It

I was afraid to do a Google Image search for this post but I powered through because you count on us to bring you what you love. You love you some Tonya Harding, don't you?

Shemales finally have a place to get their aggression out. Newsgirls Boxing Gym has opened up in Toronto. It caters solely to women and shemales. I have just one question. At what point does a shemale get banned from the gym? Your intrepid Canadian reporter learned that the term "transgendered" is the new hotness when referring to shemales. How far along does one have to be in making a change before one's pass gets revoked? Does it go to the owner or is there a panel that makes these decisions? I see a testosterone scandal over the horizon.

What? I'm not asking for myself. See I have this friend. Um, Biff and he, uh was just, you know, wondering... Oh fuck you, dude. I'm so not even like that. I'm not in denial.
Free at last, free at last. Thank god almighty Harold Reynolds is free at last.

Dan Rooney Always Bets On Black

Shocking. More pandering to the black man. First the Rooney Rule, then Mike Tomlin and now this. Dan Rooney hearts Obama.

We're pretty confident Andy Rooney and Lynn Swann don't heart Obama.

Hillary's likely to counter Rooney's announcement by going after Dave Wannstedt's endorsement. He knows nothing about being elite.

Yankees-Red Sox Goes From Dumb To Dumber

Yankees and Red Sox fans deserve each other. It wasn't enough that the Yankees made a huge stink over the buried jersey in the new Yankee Stadium. Think about pressing charges? Why would the Boston fan run his mouth before the place was finished?

No worries. We're changing the subject. The first pitch in today's Yankees-Red Sox game will be thrown by astronaut Dr. Garrett Reisman. There's one problem. He's in space.

Dr. Reisman is on the International Space Station until June. The pitch will be shown on the Jumbotron in Yankee Stadium. Let's see how long Chad Moeller waits for the pitch to cross the plate. Hopefully J.D. Drew will swing from the dugout to make the moment complete.

I'll apologize if NASA has invented a baseball that can make it through atmospheric reentry and land somewhere close to the Bronx.

Slow Your Roll. Know Your Limitations

Emile Heskey? Really, dude?

Has a picture ever said so much? More than likely but this is spot on. I would have posted something on Chelsea yesterday but I just didn't have it in me. Chelsea could still win the league but it would take a Chelsea win and a Manchester United loss followed by a Chelsea win over Man U. That's it.

As crazy as it sounds, I'm not sure how much Chelsea winning the Champions League would salvage the season in my mind. Losses to Spurs and Barnsley were painful enough. Another loss to Liverpool would hurt but a season without silverware would hopefully mean Avram Grant would move upstairs. However there's no guarantee of that happening. A CL win means a better chance of him staying. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I don't want to root against my team and I won't yet I fear what victory means. Of course I want Chelsea to win the Champions League. However Grant blundering into victory could be costly. He's shown time and time again that he has the combined tactical awareness of Paul Bremer and Rich Kotite. After being screwed out of United match tickets and still not receiving my supporters club package, I deserve something. Give me Big Cup glory and a new manager. Is that so hard?
Think your Facebook status means nothing? Here's the follow up to the story of the guy who learned this the hard way.

Put Me In, Muthaf**ka

Aw I'm just playin' unless you don't put me in. If you no play me, I say fuck you, pop. I do it myself.

David Ortiz has a funny way of letting Terry Francona know he's wants back in the lineup. The DH was benched after going on an 0 for 17 streak. Instead of waiting until called, he decided to be pro-active and take matters into his own hands.
The text message began with "dad" or "pop," Terry Francona wasn't sure which. He thought it might have been from his 14-year-old daughter, but because the number was unfamiliar, he texted back and asked whose number it was.

"It's mine, [expletive]," came the reply, much to the consternation of the manager, who then called the number to see who had the nerve to address him that way.

"I was getting ticked," Francona said. "I was all mixed up. Because the last [message] said, 'Put me in, [expletive].' "
It turned out to be Ortiz instead of Francona's daughter. He was relieved that his daughter wasn't talking to him in that tone. "I didn't care if David gets hits or not, I won't have a 14-year-old talking like that to her dad."

There's no word on whether he went home and whupped his daughter just in case she thought about talking to him like that. "You didn't? Well that's one in the bank for you, missy!"

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Olympic Muffin Scare!

Ok, not that type of muffin. Australian Olympic team members were attending a function in Brisbane when they were shocked to find that they were being fed spiked chocolate muffins! Two people at the function bit into the terrorist muffins and found paperclips inside of them. The whole batch of muffins was then confiscated by authorities and it was found that 13 other muffins also had the deadly paperclips inside. Luckily, not a single Olympic team member was injured and the terrorist muffin plot was foiled.

"I'm absolutely devastated that this has happened. But we're doing everything we can to work with the authorities," [Merlo Kitchen Catering Company director Dean] Merlo said.

Queensland Health and Queensland Police are investigating the incident. It is not sure if paperclips were baked into the muffins, or whether they were inserted at a later date.

Olympians at the function included gymnast Ayiesha Johnston and swimmer Christian Sprenger.

Thank God this terrorist plot was foiled. The dental and intestinal damage that these tainted muffins would have caused could have robbed the Aussies of all their Olympic glory! Yes...this is Olympic news these days.


Do As I Say, Not As I Did...Or Didn't

We all remember our graduation day when we tried to pull it together for our parents so they wouldn't realize what degenerates we became in college. Maybe that's just me but that's neither here nor there. If you were like me and thousands of others, you were subjected to a commencement speaker who had plenty of lofty words but little practical advice. I'm sure Amartya Sen dropped some knowledge on us but I had to go back and read about inequality, poverty, development and all that stuff later that summer. The Pitt class of 2008 won't have to worry about that.

Dan Marino will give the Pitt 2008 commencement address later this month. His speech will most certainly cover success in achieving your goals

as well as dealing with setbacks and failures.

Jim Kelly is rumored to be next year's commencement speaker.

Your Daily Aussie Update

We have several Australian stories in the pipeline so we figure we'll just give them to you in one post. Don't expect this again. There's nothing daily about this.

Chad Reed Is One Hard Muthafucka

Australian supercross star Chad Reed is better or dumber than you. He checked himself out of the hospital with a broken shoulder after suffering an accident during a practice run at an AMA Supercross race in Detroit. Did we mention he was "vomiting more blood than [he] had ever seen in his life" after flying over his handlebars?

Reed checked out and returned to compete in the race.
Because of AMA Supercross regulations, the series leader was unable to take anything stronger than oral painkillers. He pulled off after two laps, unable to go on, and was again forced out of the last-chance qualifier. But to gain entry into the main event, Reed used his provisional entry option, which allows for a rider within the top 10 in points to advance directly to the final.

He was brought down in the first turn of the 20-lap race but remounted his Yamaha in 21st spot and embarked on what commentators described as one of the most memorable rides in supercross history. Pushing his way through the pain of a broken shoulderblade, Reed passed half the field to finish 12th and maintain a strong points lead.
And there you are bitching and moaning about that 7th prairie fire shot. Suck it up.

Speaking Of Cheap Shots

AFL player Barry Hall knows all about them. The Sydney player is in serious trouble with the Australian Football League after a cheap shot on West Coast's Brent Staker during a game this past weekend.

Hall could It be suspended for at least six weeks. It's just as well because he broke his wrist on some advertising boards in addition to taking out two West Coast players.

Simon Cowley Update

We recently brought you the sad story of former Australian swimmer Simon Cowley who was slobberknockered by current swimmer Nick D'Arcy.

Cowley is now eating through a straw and had five titanium plates permanently inserted into his face. D'Arcy is facing charges but his place on the Australian Olympic team is still up in the air.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Slam Face Plant Dunk

You're doing it wrong!

Don't always bet on black.

Mayor Vitali Klitschko?? It Could Happen

Yea that's right, the former WBC Heavyweight champion Vitali Klitschko is running for mayor of Kiev, Ukraine. Amazingly enough, this isn't the first time he has tried this. In 2006, he finished in 2nd place, taking 25% of the popular vote for the mayoral candidacy. This year, running on an anti-corruption campaign, he's hoping for a better showing.
As he campaigns again for the post in an election scheduled for May 25, Klitschko is gaining more support, according to a recent poll by an analytical research center in Kiev, Institut Goroda. A total of 29.8 percent of those polled said they would vote for him, while 14.6 percent said they would choose [the current mayor] Chernovetsky. Another 9 percent said they would vote for Olexander Omelchenko, who held the post for 10 years before the 2006 election.

“There is too much political corruption in Kiev, which is hurting this city in terms of development," [Klitschko said] We need to bring Kiev up to proper European and American standards. But legitimate businessmen cannot invest money here, because the only deals made with this government are made under the table with their family and friends."

“We are a young democracy in need of many strategies for development, including the development of buildings and roads, and we need to make sure that the people of Kiev can afford to pay for medicine, food, water, gas and other necessities.”

Lets hope for Klitschko's sake his glass jaw doesn't extend to politics, he'll be takin it on the chin a lot it more ways than one. He'll have a big fight on his hand to clean up the corruption going on over there. Klitschko has at least one supporter here in the good ole US of A though, Roy Jones Jr. is keeping tabs on this overseas political contest:

“If a movie star can be the governor of California,” Jones said, referring to the current governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, “why can’t a boxer be the mayor of Kiev?”

Yea, Roy Jones is making some sense here! We need this man in public service somewhere too! Sign Roy Jones up to be the next mayor of Pensecola , Florida or maybe he'll be Roy Jones Jr. (D) FL in the house some day. Vitali just needs to pave the way. The Ukraine is strong.

From NY Times

Looks like cover ups are contagious. Roger Goodell says well done, Stern.

You See What Had Happened Was...

Nice try, playboy. You know you're in deep shit when you have to resort to copying Pacman Jones. Chris Henry is trying to get back in the league. It seems he's making a play for the Cowboys or Beng ... oh yeah, never mind.

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram is reporting that Henry contacted Michael Irvin in an attempt to get on his radio show. Presumably, he wants to give a three hour apology for any past and future crimes.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said it was unlikely that they would acquire Henry. That sounds as solid as Brett Favre's retirement.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Knicks Lose Another Fan

Stop the presses! Tom Brokaw is giving up his Knicks tickets. Brokaw was recently on Jim Gray's XM Radio show and Newsday's Neil Best transcribed what he had this to say about the state of the Knicks franchise and of his season tickets:

Gray: “And you have such a large voice, I'm wondering if you have spoken to the commissioner or team officials.”

Brokaw: “No…..He certainly knows how I feel about the Knicks…and their ownership. As a season ticket holder for a long time, I won’t renew because I don’t like the attitude that that ownership has brought to the community.”

Gray: “And you have been in the front row or close to it for a long time.”

Brokaw: “I was in the front row for a while and then three rows back but not next year. I just think that they have failed their obligation to the city. I think that we have great sports franchises in New York. I think Fred Wilpon of the Mets and George Steinbrenner of the Yankees measure up and they bring to the community winning teams as best they can and make real statements about being supportive of the community. I don’t think that the Dolans have done that and I think the Garden has lost a lot of its luster as a result of their ownership and this is the first time that I have really said that out loud. But I feel very strongly about it and I think that it's the least we can expect. They get these huge prices for people to sit in those seats, all kinds of tax advantages to owning the Garden and yet they operate as if they were a sovereign country and want to play only by their own rules. So I’m not very happy about that.” aren't the only one. The Dolans have pissed off a very well connected fan base. When the rich season ticket holders are upset, something has to be done. You can crap on the poor fans as much as you want, look at the Lerners and the Washington Nationals (have you seen the ticket prices, damn they are pricey for a crap team...and yet i love them), but ticking off those people that pay thousands for seats is a sure fire way to kill off a club, even a storied franchise like the New York Knicks. The question is, is it too late?

From Newsday

Friday, April 11, 2008

What The Hell Is Going On At Liverfool

Far be for us to make fun of Liverpool and their fans but even we have to ask what the hell is going on at Anfield these days. You haven't heard? Liverpool's a clusterfuck these days. Allow us to catch you up. Watch your valuables.

Do You Know What Nemesis Means?

Nemesis is a hard word for Steven Gerrard but there's no way he'll ever forget what that word means for the rest of his life.

G's father, Paul informed a court by letter that Stevie was being blackmailed and harrassed by Liverpool gangster George "Psycho" Bromley. He was placed under police protection but Psycho was still able to ambush him outside his flat as well as vandalize his car and chase him home from practice. We forgot to mention that Psycho threatened to shoot Gerrard in his legs and cripple him.

Paul Gerrard decided to get some outside help and hired "underworld fixer" John Kinsella to sort out Psycho.
"We were at our wits' end when we were introduced by a family friend to John Kinsella. I told him about the ongoing threats and violence. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare.
Kinsella testified that he simply "spoke" to Psycho and the harassment stopped after Psycho decided to "take his advice". Oh Kinsella was in court as he's accused of being a part of a gang that carried out a £41,000 robbery and led police on a 130 mph chase. He's claiming he was only in the area of the robbery "in his role as an underworld enforcer".

Liverpool Fans Are Learning What Texas Rangers Fans Already Know

Tom Hicks is a donkey. This is the same guy that signed A-Rod to a ridiculous contract that handicapped the team. He also signed Chan Ho Park. Now he's trying to destroy Liverpool and he's taking no prisoners.

A seemingly permanent rift has opened between Hicks and partner George Gillett over the sale and direction of the club. Tensions are enough where they asked to sit separately at the Liverpool's last Champions League match. He blocked the sale of Gillett's shares to a Dubai interest who were willing to buy.

Hicks unsettled the team but approaching Jurgen Klinsmann about taking over for manager Rafa Benitez. The team's fall from the title race seemed to start around that time. Rafa and the players haven't recovered from the turmoil. Hicks also did this without the knowledge of Gillett.

Now he's demanding that chief executive Rick Parry step down because he feels that he's in Gillett's camp. To his credit, Parry told Hicks to fuck off (at least he should have) and that he's not going anywhere.

As much as we (fine, I) like to rip Liverpool, this is a bit much. Hicks is slowly destroying a team with a long tradition and supporters with sticky fingers. Things won't get better until he is forced out.

Guess Who Thinks Liverpool Sucks As Much As He Does

Andrei Voronin, come on down! You're the next Liverpool player to get robbed!

Wait until Liverpool fans see what the "striker" had to say about their city of culture.

-- "Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture"

-- "Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter."

-- "The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here - when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn't know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there."

-- "But English isn't the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying."

I'm sure Voronin will be pleased to know that Liverpool fans think he's just as useless. He's been nothing but a flop since arriving in Scouse Country. He should rest comfortably knowing that he'll be leaving as soon as the season is over.

What The Blood Clot?

The Roberto Flack Chronicles found this footage of Max Kellerman and his late brother Sam putting Young Black Teenagers to shame.

Say Good Day To The Gilbert Burger

Now Milwaukee arena football fans know how McRib fans feel every time McDonald's brings the glorious samich back then cruelly takes it away. Gilbert Brown has left the building.

Former Green Bay Packer Brown was coach of the Continental Indoor Football League's Milwaukee Bonecrushers until Tuesday when he resigned along with the rest of the coaching staff and the general manager. The reason was "'irreconcilable differences' between football operations and ownership on how best to run the program".

I remember feeling the McRib/Gilbert sense of loss when I went back to Wisconsin and discovered Burger King no longer made the Gilbert Burger. For those of you who didn't have the honor of living in Wisconsin during the Gilbert Burger era, the burger consisted of a "double whopper with double cheese, double lettuce, double tomato, double mayo, double onion, double ketchup and, as the manager of a Green Bay Burger King said in a telephone interview 'no pickle because Gilbert doesn't like pickles.'" I called 9-1 and waited for the impending heart attack the first time I tried the burger. They didn't call him The Gravedigger for nothing.

How depressing would it have been to kick it in a Madison Burger King because of a Gilbert Burger? Better there than Jocko's Rocket Ship or Stillwaters.