Friday, November 27, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 12 Pick Em

Last week we went an incredible 12-2, winning the locks and the upset specials of the week. Phenomenal week altogether, lets try to keep the momentum going this week. Overall, this puts Chimp's Picks at 86-67 on the season, a phenomenal 56% rate, the magic number, also 6-5 on the locks of the week and 5-6 on the upset specials. Lets quickly get onto the picks, sadly without any write-ups this week as I am at Mrs. Rage's parents house and she is glaring at me from the couch as we watch Elf on the USA network. Ahhh the holidays. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Jennifer from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at CINCINNATI -14

Chicago at MINNESOTA -11

Washington at PHILADELPHIA -3

MIAMI -3.5 at Buffalo

ARIZONA +3 at Tennessee

Seattle at ST. LOUIS +3

TAMPA BAY +11.5 at Atlanta

CAROLINA +3 at New York Jets

JACKSONVILLE +3.5 at San Francisco

Kansas City at SAN DIEGO -14


NEW ENGLAND +3 at New Orleans


INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Houston

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 12 Pick Em - Thanksgiving Day Edition

Not really a ton of time to get the picks out this week with the holiday festivities, but i'd be remiss to give you my picks for the day. Full recap of last week's action and the rest of the picks will be up Friday, but here's todays picks.

GREEN BAY -11.5 at Detroit

Detroit is decimated by injuries on offense, Green Bay's secondary is also beset by injuries, who will win? Well the Pack's offense should have no problem with Detroit's defense and the Lions offense should not be able to keep up. The Packers ruin the Lions Thanksgiving Day.

OAKLAND +13.5 at Dallas

Lets add this up, Tony Romo is hurting, Jason Witten is hurting, they havent played particularly well the last two games...I just dont see a dominating victory here by the Cowboys. Take the Raiders, they're always good to screw up a large spread.

New York Giants at DENVER +6

Giants are recovering from their recent 4 game slide while the Broncos are still in the midst of theirs. The Denver D is who we thought they were and the rest of the league is exposing it, Mike Nolan isnt looking like much of a genius now. The Giants offense should have no issues here, but for some reason I am liking the Broncos to keep this one close. No blowouts here, in Orton we trust.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Eric Wood's Theismann Moment

Eric Wood of the Buffalo Bills broke his leg in spectacular fashion in the 4th quarter of his team's game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. CBS didnt want to replay this, but since someone YouTube'd it, you can replay it all you want. At least until they take it down.

I can never turn away from these leg snapping moments. You know they are going to be gruesome, you know they are going to be graphic, you know his career might be over, and yet you watch. Gahhh...gross. Sucks for you Eric Wood, all the best for a speedy recovery kid.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 11 Pick Em

Last week we were a disappointing 7-8, although I should've been 8-7 since I would've picked Jacksonville had I known MJD was going to play, but that is the pitfalls in making your picks on Friday morning, so I'll stick with the 7-8. Although you know, and I know, what the real play was there. The lock of the week (5-5 on the year) failed but the upset special won (4-6 on the year) and we are now 74-65 for the year, 53% so far, which means we need to go on a run to hit the magic 56% number we all strive for. Hopefully this week will be better. Lets get on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Linda from the New York Jets. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at DETROIT -3.5

Well this is just the NFL equivalent of watching a cripple fight isn't it? You feel sad for the two participants but you can't help but watch anyway because hey...cripple fight, right? Its the NFL, you really cant help but watch every game you possibly can, even if it is this game of two sad excuses of NFL teams. If you must put action on this, I like the suddenly looking somewhat stable Lions to beat the constantly in turmoil Browns and to cover the field goal and then some spread. For some reason the Browns' defense has not been playing that bad, they apparently missed the memo to suck for this season, but I just don't trust their offense to score anything here.

BUFFALO +9 at Jacksonville

Yes, there is no logic here to this pick. ITS CRRRRAAAAZY! Who on earth would think that the Bills, who just fired their head coach Dick Jauron so he can concentrate becoming the completely dead instead of just the walking dead, could actually compete with the Jaguars who just ran all over the Jets, well I do ladies and gents. Take the Bills who will be so happy to finally play to win instead of playing not to lose like the did with "not really tricky at all" Dickie Jauron.

Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY +10

Pittsburgh is without their defensive rock Troy Polamalu yet again and they are going seriously pass crazy even though their offensive line cannot pass block to save their lives. This game is and should be a get well game for the Steelers and they should win, but I dont like laying double digits to the home dog so the plan here is to take KC and the points and pray that not having Larry Johnson will be enough to allow the Chiefs to function like a real NFL team.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 at Baltimore

The Colts are a really really good football team, meanwhile the Ravens still have people thinking their defense is the one that won them a Super Bowl in 2000. That was 9 years ago people, wake up. They are a 5-4 team right now and looked wretched against the Browns last week. They could only score 1 offensive touchdown against them. That is bad, man, like crazy bad, Beastmaster bad.

Yeah, I am actually watching Beastmaster right now, it is such a bad movie but like the sucker I am, I am still watching it because I am too lazy to find something else on tv. Well that and I find that if there is anything on TV on that I actually care about when I am writing, I get ZERO work done. Funny how that works. I did get a little nostalgic for Marc Singer watching the new V on tv the other day though. I still don't know if I actually like the new V or if I am just waiting for it to be as awesome as the old V seemed when I was like 8 years old. WTF is Marc Singer up to besides hitting the comic book conventions circuit? Also, Did you know Rip Torn is in Beastmaster? I certainly didn't know that, but I, sir, am a moron. That guy must've had it rough as an actor before the Larry Sanders show, which, by the way, is possibly one of the top 5 greatest television comedies in my life time. Such an underrated show. Or maybe its just rated. At this point, with people like me talking it up its probably making it overrated. Whatever, lets move on, shall we?

ATLANTA +6.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are coming off a bye week and have lost 4 games straight with their secondary and quarterback both injured and struggling while the Falcons are as up and down as any team in the NFL. 2nd year QB Matty Ice is not looking so good this season after his breakout rookie year but his running game has been working for him lately so they could have a chance in this game even if Turner the Burner sits this one out. I wouldn't pick the Falcons to win this game outright, but I cant see the Giants busting this one wide open. This pick here is a sharp pick if it works and it should...unless the Giants are healed in their secondary and Eli shows no ill effects from his foot thing. If that is the case, I am fucked.

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 at Green Bay

Another road dog? What am I smoking? Well truthfully, nothing, but I am eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni slices at the same time. Its like all the fun of pizza without the dough and sauce. You take one bite of the cheese stick and then take a couple pepperoni slices and it is meaty, cheesy tastiness. What is even better are those mozzarella/pepperoni rolls you can get in the cheese section of any grocery store. Its all done for you, you just have to cut it, or, like I do, just chomp down into that sucker and rip you off a piece of tasty meatcheese. There isnt much like snacking on meats and cheeses at 3am while you are trying to blog. You know you've entered a new stage in life when you pass on the chips or candy and use meat as your junk food. Its primal and yet refined at the same time. Its refimal.

Anyway, Green Bay is a mess right now and if you've been betting on them lately you are a braver person than I. I have no idea how they beat the Cowboys and I bet neither do they. Sure their sound bites all say the right thing, but inside, they have to be like "What the fuck just happened there? We're still in this somehow! Hot damn!" The 49ers right now look downright scary with their running game and that is helping to mask the fact that Alex Smith is not and should not be a NFL quarterback. How is he not in the UFL? I gotta think Sexy Rexy or JP Losman could do a little better here. Take the 49ers and pray that Mike Singletary can get some pressure on Aaron Rogers since his line has more holes in it than my meth-head cousin's brain.

Seattle at MINNESOTA -10.5

Big spread, biiiiiig spread. I have done pretty well betting against Seattle all year, especially on the road where they are 0-4. I like their streak of losing and my streak of winning when betting against them to continue here. Seattle's defense stinks worse than my breath after eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni all night...Mrs. Rage is not going to be happy when she catches a whiff of this. I'm not even sure if brushing my teeth and mouthwash is going to stop this from blasting her nostrils and making her visibly gag when i see her in the morning. Also, have you ever gotten liquid smoke on your hands? I used a little liquid smoke to flavor some turkey I was cooking up tonight (I live in a condo, no balcony, which means no grill, I needed some smokey flavor and I know it isnt the same but I have to use it anyway, leave me alone) and I got some of it on my hands and it wont go away. The downside of this is, my hands stink of bottled smokey flavoring, the upside is, my hands smell like delicious smoked meats. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...the facts of life.
So, to sum up, my breath and my hands smell like smoked meats and cheese and take Minnesota.

Washington at DALLAS -11

Who in the hell thought the Redskins could win that game last week? Not I. My personal thanks to Kyle Orton, the Redskins MVP for the game. Their offense was lighting up the Redskins defense when he was at quarterback but once he injured his ankle, they could only muster 36 yards with the spleenless Chris Simms at the helm. Who would've thought that a spleen was an integral part of being a QB in the NFL. Lets look at his stats pre spleen removal and post spleen removal:

Pre Spleen: 19 games played, completed 59.1% of his passes, QB rating of 71.2
Post Spleen: 2 games played, 26% completions, QB rating...well it was 7.2 last week...that is bad.

After this small sample size my conclusions are that spleens are necessary for survival in the NFL. Wait I am just handed a note...Drew Bledsoe ruptured his spleen in like 2000, paving the way for Tom Brady to steal his job, and after his spleen got obliterated his stat lines were statistically better in Buffalo and Dallas than when he was with the Patriots. Ok, so maybe not having a spleen only hurts when you are Chris Simms and you suck. You have NOTHING on Major Applewhite, Simms! NOTHING!

NEW ORLEANS -11 at Tampa Bay

New Orleans has been playing it close lately with their opponents and because of that, this week, I like them to break out of their semi-slump and dominate. I say semi-slump because they still haven't lost a game, they've just been playing in some squeakers. Ronde Barber can only do so much against the offense of the Saints. All the Saints receivers should run wild in this game.

Also, am I the only won in this world rooting for a Saints/Bengals superbowl? Who Dats vs Who Deys! Why don't more teams do this? Someone needs to adopt Who 'Dis? or Who Dont! or Who Dunnit! Or something.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS +9

The Cardinals have been playing pretty well lately but I like Steven Jackson to make this game competitive. I still cannot say how sorry I feel for that man. He must really love the game to put forth such effort every game for such a God awful team. I like their chances at home here to keep this game close and even possibly steal one away from the NFC Champs.

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Jets are frauds, frauds with a running game, but frauds nonetheless. I think the Patriots here do one of those no mercy style beatdowns on the Jets to make up for their close game against the Colts last week. There shouldn't be any controversy on the final play of this game, unless its about the Patriots trying to run up the score.

TENNESSEE +4 at Houston

With Chris Johnson looking like the second coming of Walter Payton can anyone reasonably bet against the Titans right now? Their defense scored twice last week, they have the best running back in football and Vince Young is playing some very un-Vince Young like football right now. The Texans never seem to ever live up to their hype and even though they have had 2 weeks to prepare for this game, their defense will not be prepared for Chris Johnson. Little known fact (especially do all you Deadspin readers) Chris Johnson's middle name actually is Duan. How cool is that?


Cincinnati at OAKLAND +9.5

I just have to think at some point again, real soon, then Bengals will look like the Bungles. This might be it. On the road, with their #1 running back injured, against a team with absolutely nothing to lose...and they just signed the ultimate locker room disaster Larry Johnson. I smell UPSET OF THE WEEK material game right here! I need to hit up a sports bar this Sunday so I can watch this game I think. Watching the Raiders is like watching a NASCAR event, you watch it for the crashes, and crashes in this case mean you watch it waiting for Tom Cable to pull a Woody Hayes or Buddy Ryan and just punch the living shit out of someone.


PHILADELPHIA -3 at Chicago

Even the Eagles cant mess this game up. The Bears simply are a team lacking in talent right now. Their offensive line is a disaster and their vaunted defense from years past is a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, if Andy Reid could just get out of his way and stop making game planning so complicated, the Eagles could beat anyone in the league. Take the Eagles and the 3 points, this one is a gimme.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Apparently Katy Perry's Assets Are Worth More Than Iceland's

West Ham should thank Russell Brand for choosing Katy Perry to service his needs at the present time. They may be able to pull themselves out of massive debt thanks to her assets. Icelandic millionaires came in and tried to save the team but their country's economy tanked and so did the team's fortunes. Who knew lingerie was the answer?

Perry wore West Ham-inspired lingerie to the European MTV Awards for Brand who is a West Ham supporter. The outfit was so popular that the designer, Siobhan Dillon, will make more exclusively for West Ham and sell them for $500 a pop. Hopefully a purchase doesn't require being forced to listen to Perry's music. One can go to Guantanamo or Afghanistan for free if one wants to be tortured with terrible music.

It's a good thing the Icelanders didn't come up with the team lingerie idea first. No one wants to see Bjork with a West Ham swan around her neck. Other teams might want to consider doing the same thing although it might not work out well for them. Charlize Theron has been known to follow Chelsea. That's good but so has Tara Reid. That's bad. Lumpy bad. Ashley Judd follows Kentucky basketball religiously. That's good. Penny Marshall is a die-hard Lakers fan. That's bad. Bad in so many ways like Warren G. Alyssa Milano would just rotate her gear depending on the week, city and team. It's a hit or miss proposition but don't front like you wouldn't be down if your man or woman wanted to rock your team's gear for you.

Bengals' Cheerleader Proves Age Aint Nuthin But A Number

This lady here? Her name is Laura Vikmanis. She is a Ben-Gal, a Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader. She is also the oldest cheerleader in the NFL at 41 years old. That's right. 41. Basically, the Bengals have hired Stiffler's mom to dance for them. MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF! She's got 2 kid, girls, ages 11 and 13 and is a registered dietitian so don't be too crass to her next time you see her, respect the MILF people. More power to her for proving age aint nuthin but a number like our girl Aaliyah (RIP) said...although i'm pretty sure she was referring to the opposite end of the age spectrum there. So why did we post this story? Gotta get some hits by saying MILF MILF MILF a bunch of times right? Anyway, here's some more picture goodness for ya. Click on em for larger ones.

From the KY Post

Black College Football: The Video Game Experience!

How many people knew this game existed? I certainly didn't. I'm not at all opposed to a video game concentrating on historically black colleges football programs, the more exposure the better, no what I am opposed to is how shotty this game is...and by all accounts it is horrrrrible. The worst thing about the game is not that Doug Williams has put his personal stamp of approval on this piece of crap. Its not that the gameplay and AI is some of the worst since Joe Montana II Sportstalk Football for the Sega (yes, if you remember that, you are officially old). Its not the frame rate drops or slowdown that is constant throughout the game. Its not even that the graphics would've only been solid on the Xbox...the original Xbox...not the 360. No, it is this:

Any football video game that has a guitar hero style, rhythm game based, halftime show that you have to participate, is a freaking joke. Granted the halftime show at historically black colleges is one of the main reasons one goes to HBC football games, but certainly you could've just shown a cut-shot of an animated halftime show or full motion video of an actual show. You dont see anyone trying to dance with cheerleaders in Madden? No one is tapping X X A Y A B to dot the "I" for Ohio State in NCAA Football 10? Why cheapen this already bad game by doing this? It is a football game, marching band is not football.

Amazingly though, i'm surprised that the Guitar Hero people havent stolen this idea for Marching Band Hero or something? I mean, after DJ Hero anything is possible i think.

Photos and a full review of the game here at IGN

Figure Skaters Gone Wild

Brian Boitano has a cooking show on Food Network. Let that marinate for a moment. I should be angry but I'm not. These are the same clowns that forced Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri on us without so much as an apology. I refuse to accept that Boitano deserves his own cooking show but at least he's doing something everyone can imagine he would do after retiring from figure skating. He's not out driving drunk and stealing cars like Andrei Lutai.

Lutai, a figure skater from Russia, was arrested after stealing a car from a gas station and driving drunk in Lake Placid. That's pretty gangsta for a figure skater. What was he doing at a gas station without a car? Getting his sequins fixed in the bay or bathroom? He was charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and aggravated driving while intoxicated. He's being held on $100,000 bail. Oksana Baiul will drive right over and bail him out as soon as she finishes that sixth Long Island Iced Tea and figures out why the road is sideways.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jason Maxiell Shows Anderson Varejao How To Not Get Posterized

Dwyane Wade made Anderson Varejao look like Frederic Weis when he dunked on him and his whole family last week. They felt that down in Santa Teresa. The Lakers' Shannon Brown tried to come with the thunder on the Pistons' Jason Maxiell and well...

That is how you maintain your dignity and protect your family.

Aw That's A Brazilian Shower?

It's not every day that a Brazilian Shower video turns up in your mailbox. There was no way we were going to look it when we first got it. "Aw what's in the box?? What's in the fucking box??" It wasn't too long ago that the rainbow country brought us the horror of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. We weren't going to fall for that scat again. Eventually I broke and took a look. I was overcome with relief when I saw that it wasn't an attempt to one up the infamous video. I'm not gonna lie. A small part of me was disappointed that it was just sports-related.

Check it out. No Rickroll. It's SFW. Assistant referee Celio Cavalcante goes postal after Carlos Eduardo sprays him with a water bottle during a soccer game in Brazil.

Eduardo was interviewed after being sent off but said he had "no regrets" about spraying Cavalcante. It's just another day in Brazilian soccer. At least this incident didn't end with cops rushing the field and arresting players or some girl making a shart-infused Jackson Pollock on someone else.

Run Dennis Run: The Worm Pulls A Drink And Dash Fail

There was a guy we knew in Washington DC who was infamous for going to bars with expired credit cards, running up tabs and breaking out on them. It got to the point where no one wanted to be around him because you never knew when he was going to get thrown out, punched for saying something incredibly offensive or just act like a jackass. We knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of when and how. He's now a schoolteacher in a different state or so we heard. The less we know, the better. No one's thinking about the children.

Dennis Rodman pulled the old drink and dash but it didn't work out so well for him. He was arrested by German police after bailing on a $5100 hotel bill after playing an exhibition game. Game organizers agreed to pick up the bill for his hotel stay but didn't agree to pay for the party he threw after the game which resulted in the outstanding bill.

The hotel manager called the police who tracked Rodman down in his limo and arrested him. He was detained until he paid the bill and an additional $2500 to prevent further legal proceedings. You mean I can break the law in Germany and just pay the cops off? Who knew the Germans were so lenient towards lawbreakers? I always thought The Netherlands was the place to commit crime. We had a plan to lure Maroon 5 and Nickelback to Amsterdam then bury them in a dike. Better amend the plan and have a go at it in Dusseldorf. Don't worry. We have plenty of Deutsche Marks for all the coppers and prosecutors. Straight cash, homey.

By The Middle Of November When The Pregnancy Starts In His Horse's Placenta, Robert Van Persie's Gone Til December

Some Chinese healers say the first piss of the morning heals black toe nails. Bull penis is also considered to be an aphrodisiac. Footballers have relied on injury treatments involving goat's blood and Viagra in the past. A horse's placenta? Why the hell not?

Arsenal and Netherlands striker Robert van Persie won't be making any runs due to being ruled out for six weeks following an ankle injury suffered in a friendly against Italy on Saturday. He's going to Serbia for treatment in an attempt to return to action as soon as possible. A Serbian doctor will attempt to treat his injury by rubbing fluid from a horse's placenta on his ankle. Arsenal physios are fine with this. Manager Arsene Wenger probably suggested using a little boy but that wouldn't go over too well in the press. It's not clear how rubbing Ruud van Nistelrooy's placenta on van Persie's ankle will make it heal faster but the visual has to be worth the price.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 10 Pick Em

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would've changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can't cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we're going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty's own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes...well and how David Garrard goes too i guess...and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer's knee, this one isn't going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn't matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don't. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it'l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don't see why the Panthers can't give it a shot. Can't be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so...and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn't watch, you shouldn't bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I've done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won't end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The 'hawks just don't have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network's Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn't give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week's games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don't think this week will be much different...except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there...well it doesn't apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn't helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell's lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world's creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver's fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so...or something like "mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!"

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds...I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC's Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game...and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.


New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn't cover in a game they clearly should have...but I didn't listen to it, much to my dismay. I'm not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover...yet the line either hasn't moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don't exactly know how this is going to go down...but it will...and you will reap the benefits from it.


DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 10 Thursday Night Football Game Edition Pick Em

Normally I don't do any picks until Friday morning, but since there is a game tonight, I am going to pick just tonight's game and give you the rest of the picks in the morning. So on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Janelle from the Jetstar Gold Coast Titans "Chill Titanettes". Yea its not the real column so you dont get a real NFL cheerleader, you get a real rugby one. So there.

Chicago at SAN FRANCISCO -3.5

Chicago's defense is bad, real real bad and their offense isnt all that great either. Cutler is pretty much the only thing working on their team and even he goes nuts and turns the ball over when he tries to do too much (about half the time he plays). Meanwhile the 49ers are on a 4 game losing streak, but still playing decent enough football. They play like a team, just not a very talented one. If Alex Smith doesn't have a 5 INT game, they should be able to score against the Bears D, and their mediocre defense should be able to contain the Bears' offensive attack. Take the 49ers tonight, yes, you are betting on Alex Smith tonight. I know. I feel dirty too.

Ron Artest Is A Boxing Fan...No One Is Surprised By This

Ron Artest stopped by Manny Pacquiao's sparing session the other day and offered up his thoughts on the upcoming Pacquiao/Cotto fight to the LA Times.

Shocker that Artest is a fan of fighting huh? I never would've thought that. He's even gonna try to fit the fight into his busy work schedule.

Artest said he'll try to attend the fight between a road game Friday at Denver and a Sunday night home game, and elaborated on why pro athletes follow the fight game.

Man, its a good thing his day job doesnt require a lot of, i dunno, rest or practice or anything and he can fit the boxing match in. That Ron Artest, he's always got his priorities right. I wonder what his UFC plans are?

Entirely Useless Nikes Look Really Cool

So junk artist Gabriel Dishaw loves his art and he loves his Nikes. So he decided to mix the two together to make some pretty sweet looking junk art replicas of some classic Nike kicks like the one above and below. Can you get a better name than Frankenstein Terminators inspired by the Nike High Terminators? Just badass. I can see Kanye West buying those sculptures and actually trying to wear them. Crave has the whole gallery up, check it out or just look at Dishaw's photo gallery for a TON of picture awesomeness.
From Crave & Gabriel Dishaw's Page

Raiders' Defensive Back Proves Al Davis Isnt The Only One Out Of Touch With Reality

The "other" Chris Johnson, a defensive back on the Raiders, said yesterday that the Raiders could go 8-0 in the 2nd half of the NFL season and finish up the year at 10-6. Wow. There actually might be one person in Oakland that is more out of touch with reality than Al Davis, who would've thought that? Here's the whole quote:
"If you really want to look at it, you can go 8-0 and you might end up 10-6," Johnson said Wednesday. "There's a possible way you can actually do it."

NO! No it is not possible. Not even in the least. Why would you even say that there is a possible way you can actually do it when there is no way they can do it. No chance at all and you know it Chris. You know it and I know it and everyone in their right mind (ie: everyone but Al Davis) knows it. So why are you lying to us Chris? WHY YOU GOTTA LIE, MAN? YOU HURT BABIES WHEN YOU LIE CHRIS. BABIES CRY!

Why won't the Raiders win every game in the 2nd half of the year? Good question kind reader, lets take a look at the Raiders upcoming schedule. In the next 8 weeks, their schedule includes a home game vs the Bengals, a road game at Pittsburgh, a road game at the Cowboys and a road game at the Denver Broncos. Last time I looked, all those teams are way better than the Raiders. You think they might lose maybe one of those games? I think everyone but Chris Johnson thinks they will.

You can't blame Chris Johnson for being hopeful in the second half, but c'mon now son, you gotta be realistic too!

From The Oakland Tribune

Did Malcolm X Die So Mancunians Can Walk Around Like Chumps

First Oasis breaks up and now this. Remember how down Marcus was when Jacqueline played him in Boomerang? The people of Manchester must feel the same way. Times are ill on the blue side of Manchester these days. Oasis breaks up, Man City's playing like a mid-table team and now Ricky Hatton has been reduced to appearing as a WWE side show.

Bony T didn't show Marcus any mercy and we don't think he'd have any for Hatton either. On the plus side, it looks like retirement's been good to Hatton. Pies and beers make the gentleman of leisure. No sexy beast here.

Speaking of Boomerang, start at 3:00. Bang bang bang!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Vernon Davis Predicts Pain For The Chicago Bears

Hey woman! Who didn't love Mr. T in Rocky III? He was the bad guy but a small part of everyone except Italian tuxedo fans would have been fine if he beat Rocky in the second fight. His one liners and smooth seduction of Adrian ensured his place in movie history.

49ers tight end Vernon Davis must love him some Clubber Lang because he channeled him while talking about the 49ers' upcoming game vs. the Bears.
"I think we can destroy their guys up front,'' Davis said. "I don't see anything spectacular about their front line. Their LB's, I think we can handle them pretty well. I like [defensive end] Adewale Ogunluye, I think he's performing well for them, but he's the only guy I like in their line.''
There's no ambiguity about Davis' prediction for the fight. At least he plays for a team which will probably follow though unlike Nate Burleson. It's one thing to hear trash from players like Joey Porter who never shut up. It's another when opposing teams cut straight to the heart and speak the truth because they know there will be no consequences. That's what happens when a team hires a coach named Lovie. They should stay away from Tiny Lister Jr. too. Deebo may be big but that don't mean he can coach.

And You Said Mad Max Wasn't A Period Piece

Humongous say no free kick!!

Well that settles that. The AFL has settled the argument over whether the Mad Max trilogy can be seen as a series of period pieces. It can.

An on-field dispute over the awarding of a free kick during an Aussie Rules match turned into a massive brawl involving hundreds of people. What's special about that? That's every day, right? Police showed up and were scared shartless when they found the brawl involved spears and axes. Who stabbed who in the what now? How the hell do fans roll to games? Aren't there spear or ax checks at the gates? There were an estimated 500 people in the area when the cops rolled up. Unsurprisingly, no one was arrested but the investigation continues. That's some good police work, Lou.

Tony Gonzalez And His Lady Got Buck Naked For PETA

There's a little sumthin' sumthin' for everyone thanks to Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez, his wife October and PETA. The couple posed nude (SFW) for the organization's "Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign. They join such luminaries as Dennis Rodman, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. We can't wait until for the Carrot Top and Charo photos.
"We should be protecting animals, not sacrificing their lives for the sake of fashion or luxury," says Tony Gonzalez. "October and I have changed many of our habits in light of the inhumane treatment of animals that occurs not only in the fur industry but also on factory farms."
Raiders quarterback Jamarcus Russell heard about the PETA campaign and was inspired to approach Denny's about doing something similar entitled "I Show You My Moobs For Moons Over My Hammy". He wanted to pose naked over a huge plate of Moons Over My Hammy while wearing his Raiders helmet. The restaurant chain somehow agreed but the project fell apart during the photo shoot. Russell kept trying to eat the plate of food even though it was fake. Only if he had that kind of drive during football games. He'd never lose the football if it were a sandwich.

Now try to go back to your breakfast after picturing Carrot Top, Charo and Russell.
Who says the Obama administration isn't creating jobs? They're creating cushy jobs in tropical locales. The people should be lovin' it.

Everything Will Take Place At Cowboys Stadium

Did you know that you're having your next birthday at Cowboys Stadium? No? Well you know now. Surprise. Your nephew's bar mitzvah? Cowboys Stadium. The Winter Olympics? You know where it'll be. Me getting with your moms? Cowbo ... I'm just playin'. I'm going to her place when she finishes cage dancing.

It's hard to find an event that isn't taking place at Cowboys Stadium these days. The 2010 NBA All-Star Game and the 2011 Super Bowl will be taking place there. Preliminary talks have started regarding a Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight at Cowboys Stadium. The potential matchup would take place next March provided that Pacquiao beats Miguel Cotto this Saturday night and both camps can work out a deal.

Jerry Jones should consider a series called Gladiator Nights at Cowboys Stadium. There must be way to flood the field and have naval battles in addition to man vs. beast battles. Say you wouldn't be interested in watching a recreation of the Battle of Antietam fought out by convicts and bears in military uniforms. What better way to make players play hard than tell them they can play well or fight in next week's battle for their job? The possibilities are endless.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Quote Of The Day

"I left Roma, and I left Real Madrid," he said after Sampdoria's 0-0 draw with Bari. "If people aren't happy any more, then I can pack my bags here too. People here have got used to eating Nutella, and maybe every now and then they have to eat shit."

-- Antonio Cassano

Jamal Lewis, Nate Newton And Bam Morris Should Go Into Business Together

Step off! My deal! My delivery!

Say it ain't so, Cleveland. Jamal Lewis is going to pack up his bags and retire at the end of the season. The bruising running back is sick of losing and he isn't going to take it anymore. He's got bigger and better things to do like build his trucking business.
"The decision I made had nothing to do with this season, how it's going or whatever. It really didn't," Lewis said. "My whole decision was based on my [trucking] business and what I have going on outside of football and things that I want to be able to give 100 percent to. I can't do that right now because I'm here. I've got to give 100 percent to this."
Sheeeeit! Why didn't you say so, dawg? If you want to build your trucking business, you gotta go to the godfathers. Forget the Mafia. Nate Newton and Bam Morris are where it's at when it comes to trucking. If Lewis is smart, he'll get together with those two and create a trucking powerhouse. 200 yard games aren't anything compared to moving a couple hundred pounds of Mary Jane across state lines.

Think about it. Who knows how to make the deals? Lewis. Who knows how to transport it? Newton. Who knows how to distribute it? Morris. One stop shopping at its finest. It's a combination that can't lose. Fuck Parker Lewis.

I can see the commericals now. Toby Jones should be the spokesman.

They can get Jonah to do the music. He also does a bad ass Chop Suey. If he costs too much, a guy from DC playing some go-go beats on buckets would work too.

"Call LNM Trucking when you need to move that stinky stinky today. And you know this, man!"

Nate Burleson Thinks He Is Joe Namath

...or Herm Edwards actually since he's paraphrasing him at one point during his misguided guarantee of a win on Sunday vs the Cardinals in the video below. You'd think he would've learned from history that this sort of thing generally doesn't end well. That most teams that win games let their play do the talking, rather than their mouths a week before. That usually you do not want to piss off your opponent a full week ahead of when you are going to play them. Ye Gods!

He actually says "I don’t want to give anybody bulletin board material, but..." then he goes ahead and give a TON OF BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL. He actually says "We're going to win the game!" Are you serious man? I mean, this is going to be a road game for the Seahawks, against a team that was in the Super Bowl last year, that is actually playing pretty well at times right now. Not exactly sure what Nate was thinking...or if he was thinking, for that matter. Nice job playboy. Watch the stupidity unfold below...unless they win...then it was brilliant.

From The News Tribune

John Terry Loves Carp But His Dad Loves Coke

The Fiver brings us the excellent news that Chelsea and England captain John Terry will be gracing the cover of this week's Angler's Mail. He discusses his love of fishing and laments that he won't have much time to work on it before the World Cup next year. We haven't read the article but we're pretty sure he doesn't discuss his dad's love for angling in new disco customers. That's coke for all you non-party people.

News of the World dropped a bomb on Sunday morning with a cover story about how a NOTW operative was able to buy coke from Terry's dad, Ted at an Essex pub. Ted "muscled" his way into selling three grams of marching powder to the NOTW while telling the fake buyer that he shouldn't mention the familial connection to his son, John. Ted made a little less than $60 for the deal even though he's a kept man thanks to his boy's riches. The whole transaction was caught on video. Sven-Goran Eriksson feels his pain.

Terry's dad is a drug dealer and his mom's a shoplifter. You can take the boy out of the East End but you can't take the parents out of it. It was going to be interesting to see how this revelation would affect Terry's play on Sunday against Manchester United. A figurative kick to the balls the night before and a literal blow to them during the match didn't seem to affect him at all. Credit due considering the circumstances.

Wait a minute. The video of the douche brushing his teeth behind the dugout is starting to make sense. Maybe he caught up with Ted before the match and wanted to make sure the product really got up in there and numbed him up right. He could actually be onto a new delivery system. Why go finger when you can go toothbrush? Brilliant!

Douche Of The Week

The Deuce is great when it comes to starting weekly posts that we have no intention of keeping up. This one is no different. Douche of the Week should be self-explanatory. Email us if you need clarification. You may find yourself in the mix for the following week. First up is a fan at the Chelsea-Manchester United match this past Sunday. We'll get to John Terry's dad in a few but witness this off-brand Mark Morrison who managed to make his way onto televisions around the world.

Brushing during a game? Really? Did he want to look his best for Drogba as he came off the pitch? That's bad enough. Note that he's also wearing his sunglasses at night. One would have been enough to put him into contention but the combination of the toothbrush and sunglasses made him this week's winner. It wouldn't surprise us if he was sucking on a pacifier when he didn't have the toothbrush in his mouth. Assclown.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 9 Pick Em

WOW. Last week was awesome huh? If i didn't monkey around and give you guys the over/under/ml picks I would've gotten 12 of 13 right. As it was, I got 8 right and 5 wrong here. Amazingly my lock of the week was the only game against the spread that I lost, the rest was just crazy picks for you kids and I am vowing now to not go nuts and give you more spread picks. All in all, last week was our best week of the season by far and it will only get better. To date, I am 60-53, 4-4 on locks of the week and 2-6 on upset specials. Lets keep making money this week, on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Sabrina C. from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Jacksonville

After the stinker the Jags laid last week, I am not sure how they are favored by almost a touchdown against the Chiefs. They've lost to the Titans and only beat the Rams by 3 points, are we so sure that they will beat the Chiefs down by a friggin touchdown? Certainly NOT! I personally think its more likely that without the Larry Johnson mope-show around, the Chiefs might be focused enough to actually win this one. Clock is always right two times a day, this might be the 2nd time. Take the Chiefs.

Baltimore at Cincinnati +3

Ok, the Bengals went to Baltimore and beat the Ravens, but the Ravens are the favorites on the road against them...I don't get it. This, to me, is an example of the public putting money on a sentimental favorite and not giving respect to the underdog...who shouldn't be an underdog. Have you seen the Bengals' record this year? Here's a hint, it is better than the Ravens' record. Just take the home dog, and watch double your money come back to you.

DETROIT +10 at Seattle

Stafford is gonna play, Megatron (see right) is back and Kevin Smith isnt hurt, surely they can keep up with the Seahawks in this one. Yes we all know Seattle is a difficult place to play, but the 'Hawks are hurting on their O line and their running game is horrendous even when it is healthy. They won't be able to grind out a win here, Detroit will keep this one close. Take the Lions to cover.

Also, how fucking cool is it that Calvin Johnson is nicknamed Megatron? Its a great nickname, I'd love to be nicknamed Megatron, but despite its awesomeness, does it even make any sense to call him that? Its not like he is evil, its not like the Lions are the "bad guys" in any game they play in, and its not like he's the leader of the team. He is a wide receiver, by the nature of his position he is a complimentary player.

I think that if Calvin Johnson had to be nicknamed for a Transformer, he should've been named Ultra Magnus (see right). Don't know who he is? Well do listen on. First off, he is an Autobot, a good guy, which by all accounts Calvin Johnson is. Also, the Autobots were the gritty gutty underdogs a lot of the time to the Decepticons and their evil schemes. Always on the defense, never on the attack. See, UM was a city commander, not a supreme commander like Optimus Prime or something, so he wasn't the man in charge, just one of the team leaders. A complimentary role. He also was a car carrier when he transformed. He could literally carry his team on his back if need be, much like CJ can do now. Also, when he did kick it into gear, he was one of the most devastating Autobots out there. Plus Ultra Magnus is just a damn cool name. If I ever have a son, you'd better believe that boy is going to be named Ultra Magnus. Magnus Ver Magnusson can suck it!

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS -9

Really not sure what is going to happen here, I think the loss of Owen Daniels is really going to hurt the Texans' offense more than a lot of people think. Without O.D. and with Ryan Moats starting at RB for them, I just think the Colts' defense can key in on Andre Johnson and keep shutting down Kevin Walter like so many teams have before them. I mean, Moats had himself a heck of a game last week, but there is a reason that no one in fantasy football had even considered picking Ryan Moats off the waiver wire at any point in his professional football career...he's Ryan Fucking Moats. Moats! Even his name sounds like he is running through sludge. Take the Colts.

GREEN BAY -9.5 at Tampa Bay

This one, in theory, should be a cakewalk for the Pack. The Bucs are horrible, just horrible and the Packers have proven that when Aaron Rogers has time to throw, he's damn near unstoppable. Don't even think about taking the Bucs here. Its Packers all the way.

Miami at New England -10.5

Miami is not going to be able to catch up to New England once they take the lead and begin pressing down on the neck of the Dolphins...wait do Dolphins even have necks? Maybe they'll just be pushing down on the blow hole or some shit. Anyway, the Patriots are feeling the flow right now, Brady and Moss and WELLLKAHH yadda yadda you know what is gonna happen here. Pats win, boring. You take the Pats to win, you win, exciting. Exciting is good. Do it.

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS -13

If any game has the smell of "Letdown Game" all over it, it is this one, yet I am still picking the Saints. The reason is that once Carolina gets behind, they are going to have to throw. When Carolina throws, Darren Sharper is going to be intercepting balls from Jake Delhomme to the tune of at least 10 times in this game, with 6 of them being returned for touchdowns. A little bit of exaggeration to prove the point. Carolina's run game will not be able to carry them in this one. Book it. Ship it. Saints cover, take em.

Tennessee at SAN FRANCISCO -4

I love the 49ers this season. They play in some entertaining games and even though they've lost their last 3 games, they are a fun and firey team to watch, especially with Alex Smith finally playing up to his potential (well, somewhat, he was a #1 pick so he's got a ways to go). I think this one San Fran wins. We all know the Titans are a bad football team and even though they dismantled the Jags last week, they will show their spots in this one. The Vince Young comeback trail will hit a gigantic pothole against the 49ers defense and the wheels should come off. San Fran should come away winning this one by a TD easy.

SAN DIEGO +4.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are a hurt team. Ever since Eli has battled his foot injury he has been less than effective at the helm of the Giants offense, and that was after one brilliant start to the season. Not to mention the health of their secondary with Aaron Ross probably out again. Meanwhile the Chargers have won 2 in a row but really haven't beat anyone good this year. This is their chance...which of course means Norv will fuck it up somehow. Regardless, I'm all over the Chargers in this one.

Speaking of NYC though, what the hell is up with the massive all media orgy over the NY Giants winning the World Series? I know New Yorkers think their city is the center of the universe and pretty much the center of the news media universe, but Christ on a stick, if I have to hear "All is right in the universe now" or "The world is right again" or "The trophy is back where it belongs" from another mouth breathing or "I am not emo anymore because being a hipster is much cooler" New Yorker I might actually have to slap a bitch. The trophy belongs with whomever won that year asshats. You never hear Steelers' fans say "All is right in the universe now, the Lombardi trophy is back where it belongs" when they win yet another Super Bowl? You dont hear it when the Red Wings dominate yet another Stanley Cup? No, so shut the fuck up and enjoy your moment in somewhat of a classy manner. You remember how you hated all the wannabe Red Sox fanboy assholes with their pink hats and popped collars suddenly thinking their shit didn't stink because they were fans of a team that won a couple World Series? Remember that? Well learn from it for once. You've won 2 World Series in 9 years, congrats...that is a .222 average. Whoop-de-fuckin-doo. That is better than some, not as good as others. Also, you live in a city where you cannot see the sun. YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN AND YOUR STREETS STINK LIKE YESTERDAY'S GARBAGE. Enjoy your parade fucksticks and I hate you all.

Dallas at Philadelphia UNDER 48

Philadelphia's offense thrives off of the big play, as does Dallas' offense. Miles Austin's whole career has been based off the big play so far. So guess what? I dont think any big plays are gonna happen here this week. I'm going out on a limb on this one and I'm gonna say both of their defenses are actually playing better than both of their offenses right now and I think that this one actually could be quite a defensive struggle. Will it happen? Probably not with my track record on over/unders, but I am gonna give it a shot anyway. Go under!

PITTSBURGH -3 at Denver

The Steelers are back...well Polamalu is back, which means the STEELERS ARE BACK. Denver lost for the first time last week and they will lose this one as well because while they will pressure Big Ben and sack him a couple times, they will also get gashed when they blitz and fail. The sacks will not balance out the times they get beat. Also, the Broncos' dink and dunk offense will not be able to get any momentum against the vaunted Steelers defense, preventing the surprising Broncos D from getting off the field enough to be competitive late in the game. Steelers win this and cover, take em.


ARIZONA +3 at Chicago

Two weeks ago the Cardinals went out to the east coast and shocked the world by beating the Giants. Well, ok they didnt shock me, I picked that game right dammit. Trust me when I say that I am also picking this one right. The Cards lost in a bad way to the Panthers last week as their running game tore up the Cardinals defense...luckily the Bears are struggling a bit in their running game this season. As a matter of fact, the Bears are struggling in all facets of their game right now and that is why I am liking the Cardinals to win this one. The Bears defense will struggle to stop the high flying Cards offense from scoring, even if Boldin is out for the game. If Arizona can get any pressure on Cutler, he will throw an INT or two. If you were brave, you'd take the ML, but since its only +125, you should take the points.


Washington at ATLANTA -10

Normally a bye week should help a team. I do not think it has helped the Redskins too much to have 2 weeks to sit around and think about the abortion of a season they are having right now. This season is going so bad, Dan Snyder, he of the Dark Heart, even showed himself in public and sort of apologized to his fans...sorta. Players dont know what is going on. Coaches dont know what is going on and are blaming the players. Players are blaming themselves and the front office. The front office doesn't know what is going on and is blaming the coaches. The fans certainly dont know what is going on but they do know there are people to blame and it starts at the top at the owner. Total disarray here in Washington DC...which leads me to this double negative. There is no way the Redskins don't get blown out this week by the Falcons. No. Way. In. Hell. The season has been a bad one, but the one thing missing so far is a dominating blow out by an opponent and I think it happens this week. This is the week it goes from embarrassing to just sad. A cloud of no hope will fall on the city (if it weren't there already) and it is a LOCK that this week Atlanta covers 10 points and makes the city of Washington sick to their stomachs watching this poor excuse of a football team.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

JR Rider Needs To Stay Where He Be

Isiah "J.R." Rider ain't goin' out like so many other temperamental NBA busts. Marc J. Spears of Yahoo Sports recently wrote a piece on Rider's attempt at redemption in the ABA. It's been a long fall from being the fifth overall pick in the 1993 NBA draft. There's no need to rehash the work of an actual journalist. Here's the link to the article which is worth checking out.

The only thing that has us going is the North Texas Fresh logo. My. Gawd. It is brilliant. Nothing says fresh like a gangster suit from the 1930s. Nothing stays fresh like a monkey in said suit. How could Rider want to leave a team with a tight logo like this? There's nowhere to go but down. I'm a Wizards fan (ignoring my better judgment) but that logo and mascot are busted. Bullets yes. Wizards hell naw. Even worse he could go to a team like the Magic or Thunder. What is this? The WNBA? One can only hope that the Fresh's mascot is a monkey in a gangster suit that patrols the floor and stands with a tommy gun and refers to ladies as "dame" or "toots". You'll never catch me copper, see?

Rider could also start dropping Isiah from official use. Any tie, relation or similarity to Isiah Thomas will do nothing for his reputation. Go FIU! It won't be long before they drop the I and Fucked Up goes after the university for defamation.

Johnny Unitas Threw What In Her Who Now?

Now there's a butt you can set your watch to!

Nothing like a tattoo disgracing the name of Johnny U (Unitas, not Utah) to bring us back from hiatus. It's bad enough that Payton Manning tried to co-opt the legacy of the Baltimore Colts by wearing #19 on his shoes when he died. This was in spite of the fact that Unitas wanted nothing to do with the Indianapolis franchise like most others from Baltimore including yours truly.

Maybe Unitas would have appreciated the tattoo. Any man that marries a woman an hour after getting divorced from his previous wife would certainly have no problem with throwing it in her butt. His ex must have been picking divorce papers out of her ass for a while. Art Schlichter would definitely throw it in her butt for some poker chips and a tip on the 6th race at Pimlico. Mike Pagel could try to throw it in her butt but everyone knows that's going back for a quick six in Raul Allegre. Squat! Squat!

Link: Ugliest Tattoos

Cristiano Ronaldo Isn't The Only Footballer Disgracing The Mic

An alarming trend is increasing in English soccer. We're not talking about roasting. That goes back to the days of the Magna Carta. We're talking about players getting on the mic and thinking they have skills. We last brought you the manatee-ish warblings of Cristiano Ronaldo covering Julio Igelsias. Don't worry, Man U fans. You still have Rio Ferdinand. He may be shit on the pitch lately but at least his skills on the mic haven't faltered ... Um never mind.

Fergie should bench him for this abomination. Never mind his crap form for United.

Speaking of Ronaldo, we can't leave you without letting you know about his new collaboration. The Portuguese walrus of love is reportedly collaborating with Joe Jackson to put an end to George Foreman's reign as the king of grills. The two are teaming up to release a line of grills shaped like soccer balls called "Goalie Grills".

If there's anyone who knows how to work a grill, it's the guy pictured above. You know I could go with the boxer but I'm gonna go with the effeminate soccer player with the short shorts and pink shirt. Hopefully the grill plays his new jam whenever it's opened. How long until your guests find a way to impale you with a spatula or spork?

Joe Jackson is claiming this story is true so it's probably not since we haven't heard from the tikka-tinged one. If this project is legit, it'll end with Joe beating Ronaldo to a pulp. "Always be selling, fancy boy!" Tito will be in the corner crying, "That's what daddy did to Michael when he took my syrup! Mama, make him stop!" while Katherine screams, "Joe, stop beatin' that girl! Joe, stop beatin' that girl!"*

Link: TMZ

*Remember when Martin Lawrence used to be funny (language NSFW) Probably not.