Friday, September 18, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 2 Pick Em

Well if you listened to me last week, you actually ended up 8-7 against the spread. We were 1-0 with our Upset Specials and 0-1 with our Locks of the Week (so much for that). Not bad but we here at the Deuce strive for perfection...or at least better than breaking even. This week there seems to be a lot of 3 point spreads, which is the equivalent of Vegas shrugging their shoulders saying "I have no idea, favor the home team", so we'll see how we do. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Anjuli Rodiriguez from the Denver Broncos. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +140 at Kansas City

See, this is what i was just talking about. KC is favored by 3, that right there is Vegas throwing up their hands, going with the home team and letting the action dictate where the line moves. Only problem is that the line hasn't moved at all since the public is as befuddled as the pros on tihs one. Right now, people are on Oakland by around 58% after they didnt look like an XFL team on Monday night against the Chargers. The Chiefs also looked better than advertised, but they are still horrible. As a matter of fact, both teams are still QUITE horrible. Avoid this game at all costs, but if you want to make it interesting, just take the Raiders moneyline. The whole game is a risk, if you are that much of an action junkie, you might as well get a decent payout. If you bet this game, you have balls of steel...almost like mine. I have balls of tungsten carbide. Ask my wife.

Houston at TENNESSEE -6.5

Apparently the "dynamic" Texans' offense only works when the not so dynamic Kevin Walter is in the lineup as they sucked a fat one last week without him. Houston's D looks to be no better than last year, meanwhile the Titan's running game is just getting warmed up and Kerry Collins looks like the 2nd coming of Kurt Warner (last season's edition). No stopping the Titans this week. Not without the mighty Kevin Walter on the field for the Texans. Take the points, win your cash, buy yourself a baby to replace the one you sold last week while paying off your debts from my crap picks.

New England at NEW YORK JETS +3.5

Yeah, that's right, i'm buying into the Rex Ryan hype machine. This guy is crazier than his dad ever was if he thinks that stoking the flames within the evil Bill Belichick and, America's sweetheart, Tom Brady is an awesome idea...and I love it. I think its just crazy enough to work and I'm going to buy the hype by taking the home dog here. When I win, everyone that believed in me will receive a phone call from Chimp Rage giving thanks for all of your support...just like my man Rex Ryan did earlier in the week.

Cincinnati at GREEN BAY -9.5

Ok, so lets see if you were paying attention to anything I said last week. If you followed this advice, you won at least one game. And I quote "you shouldn't really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can't fail." Do it again. Double your money and get two cars you deserve.

NEW ORLEANS +1 at Philadelphia

McNabb has a broken rib, Westbrook still is getting his feet wet after off-season surgery and Drew Brees has been replaced with an alien from the planet Krypton. Thats all you need to know here. Take the Saints and welcome our new alien ruler with opened arms...lest he throw a football through your chest.

Carolina at ATLANTA - 6.5

The Panthers would like a do-over from last week as they were witness to Jake Delhomme looking like the NFL equivalent of my father not having the physical ability to play me in video games anymore like with Madden 10 on the Xbox. "There are more buttons to push, too many! I meant to throw to Y! How can you play with 12 buttons to push at once? You only have 10 fingers!! This game moves so friggin fast what the hell? Who sees this fast? There are too many plays to learn, how can you remem--oh, OH SHI--why the fuck is this thing vibrating??? *Throws his 4th interception*" Take the Falcons...get an Xbox 360, find me online, challenge me to a game of Madden.

St. Louis at WASHINGTON -10

Yeah, my homer pick last week paid off as the Redskins barely covered the spread. This week, I am hoping my living in Homerland pays off again as I think the Redskins will cover a 10 point spread. Yes, this is an offense that typically averages around 17 points a game. I think 17 will be enough to cover a 10 point spread. Their D should easily be able to handle the wretched St. Louis offense and as long as something crazy like an offensive lineman catching a pass and fumbling the ball away doesn't happen, I think the Redskins get this one easy. Take the Redskins, use your money to purchase some of those freaking yellow section Club seats so that gigantic hell-hole stadium doesn't look half empty all the time.

ARIZONA +3.5 at Jacksonville

Ok so i'm a bit worried about Kurt Warner. He had offseason hip surgery. Yes, he is so old he had to have hip surgery. I'm not sure if i feel confident in someone with that kind of ailment being the leader of a football team. If San Francisco's lackluster D can bottle up the Cardinals, I hope Jacksonville can at least slow them down and make them punt a few times. If that happens, they should put the ball in MJD's hands and go nuts. All that being said. Even if Jacksonville wins this game, I can't see em winning by a more than a field goal, and Arizona's offense, even with a gimpy Warner, is too dominant to be held down for long. Take the Cards, they bounce back this week and you will too if you're still reading these picks.

SEATTLE +1 at San Francisco

Not sure why people are sweating San Fran so much in this game. Their running game was horrible last week and their D wasn't all that great either. Meanwhile all the Seahawks did was shut out one of the worst teams in football, doing it in somewhat impressive least compared to last year's Seahawks. Hasselbeck is healthier than Kurt Warner was, his team is as healthy as it was 2 years ago when they were a playoff squad, and he won't let his team go down to the 49ers this week. Take out a small business loan, bet it on the Seahawks as the road dog, win so much money you can pay the loan back and still open up your own Starbucks franchise.

Tampa Bay at BUFFALO -5

Buffalo nearly beats the New England Patriots, on Monday night, on the road and they are only favored by 5 points against the offensive and defensively challenged Buccaneers in a Sunday afternoon game at home? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Walk, nay, run to your bookie or sportsbook and throw down all your money on this one. If you win, start your own wrestling organization like this lucky moron did.

Cleveland at Denver OVER 39

Yeah, Vegas doesn't know who will win this and neither do I. What I do know is, neither team can run the ball better than they can throw it and neither team is particularly adept at rushing the passer or stopping the pass. I am just betting that there will be a lot of throwing going on here and with that a lot of clock stoppages, meaning more time on the clock to score points. Take the over and pray that Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall get their heads out of their respective asses quick enough so they can look up and catch a damn ball.

BALTIMORE +3 at San Diego

Baltimore still has a pretty sick defense and now they've apparently discovered a passing game to go with the 1-2 punch of Rice and McGahee at running back. If the Chargers struggled with the Raiders last are they supposed to win this one? Take Baltimore and be happy you're getting a 3 point cushion. If you want to be a man, take the Ravens money line at +145 and play without a safety net. When you win, take that special someone out on the town, they will deserve it for sticking with your degenerate ass.

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at Dallas

Another total toss up. I am going with NY here since their defensive line should push Romo to do something incredibly stupid at some point in this game and that will be enough to sway the game in the Giants' favor. Weak reasoning for sure. Its that much of a coin toss. The over/under didnt even inspire me. Take the Giants and hope that the better team prevails...or Dallas wins by a point or two.


If you think Manning will lose this game, then you and I have a difference of opinion. Miami could only muster 7 points against the Falcons' defense and I dont think they will have any more success against the Colts' average D. Indy's offense will do just enough to win and you will close out your week with a nice wad of cash. Blow it all on hookers and crack and come back to do it again next week.


Minnesota at DETROIT +10

This one smells like a trap to me. Minnesota should dominate this game in theory but the line for this game opened at 10 and stayed there, despite over 70% of the public placing bets on Minnesota to win. That means to me that the 30% of the other people are betting heavy on Detroit to make a game of this. If it smells like a trap, looks like a trap and has crazy ass Brett Favre in there to throw a random interception or two when he feels like he has a safe lead and can make a greedy play...take the points and the home team. If you happen to win this insane bet, you should go out, head to a casino and put all that money on red or black. It doesn't matter which color. You obviously cannot lose.


PITTSBURGH -3 at Chicago

The only reason Culter won't throw 4 INTs in this game, like he did last week, is because the heart and soul of the Steelers D isn't going to be around to play. With Polamalu out, Cutler will throw just 2 picks and the Bears will still lose. Karma is a bitch for Jay Cutler and he deserves to lose for the stunts he pulled in the offseason, but this 2 game losing streak wont last long for him as the Bears have a cakewalk schedule the rest of the way. For now though, take the Steelers and the points. Once you win, take your cash and visit Casey's Draft House on the South Side. See that little guy on the right? He will pour a shot down your throat while standing on the bar, all for the right price of course. Come for the midget, leave when the racism and sexism gets a bit too much for ya.

Good luck peoples.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

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