Friday, September 11, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 1 Pick Em

Alrighty, well now that I can bask in the glow of having picked Tenn +6.5 last night, I figure its high time I share some picks that are sure to have you stuffing your mattresses full of cash. Lets go through the games, shall we? All picks are in bold. All lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is from the Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

MIAMI +4.5 at Atlanta

The public is all over Atlanta as the feel good feelings from last year are still lingering on their squad. Thing is, Miami had a decent rebound year last year and they are only healthier and better now than they were then with a deeper defense and stability at QB with Pennington. I am thinking you fade here and enjoy your chicken dinner.

KC at Baltimore UNDER 36

Not going to touch the line of Balt -13 and neither should you. Baltimore should win this game easily, but I dont know anyone that can trust their offense explode during week 1 when it never did last year. KC is in disarray, going back to Tyler Thigpen and their incredibly unreliable duo of running backs. Their defense is nearly nonexistent but luckily so is Baltimore's offense. Take the under and count your money.

Philly at CAROLINA +3

Taking the home dog here. Philly's O-line is hurting bad right now and their D coordinator is dead, not to mention they have the biggest distraction in the world in Michael Vick standing on their sidelines, so I'm not feeling them. Carolina is your standard mediocre NFL team and that should be enough to keep the game tight at home and maybe even pull out a win. Gutsy pick, but one you should make. When you do, and win, personally thank me for improving your fortunes.

Denver at CINCINNATI -4

I have no idea what is going on in Bronco land right now. Their rookie and future star running back may or may not play, their best wide receiver was suspended most the pre-season and hates his brand new coach who appears to be over his head, and their quarterback is Kyle Orton. Meanwhile, all is surprisingly well in Bengal-land. I expect a finally healthy Palmer to shred the Bronco's suspect defense and cruise to a victory at home. The Bengals should Bronco-bust a nut all over this one...I have no idea what that means. SHIP IT!

MINNESOTA -3.5 at Browns

It doesnt matter if Favre, Jackson or Rosenfels is behind center with Adrian Peterson in the backfield for this game. The Vikings should have no trouble dominating against Brady Quinn and the hapless Browns with their explosive running game and strong defense. Although if the Browns could somehow mercifully end Brett Favre's career in this game, maybe we all will forget about his shenanigans by the end of the season to possibly forgive him for what he has done and go back to shameless Farve-man-love. Take the Vikes and cash your 401k out on this one and bet it all. After you win, you can pay off those early cash out penalties and still be up big. Its safer than the stock market. Trust me.

New York Jets at HOUSTON -4

Every year Houston gets a little better, this year I think they make the leap to a good team. They have a dynamic offense and, after years of sucking, have acquired a very strong D through the draft. The Jets are starting a rookie QB on the road with Jerrico Cotchery as his only WR. I dont care if Rex Ryan is their new coach, their D alone can't win this one. You take the Texans, pray Schaub ends the game in one piece and if he does, thithe some of your winnings to the church of your choice for your prayers paying off...b/c after Schaub is Grossman...and there aint no winning with Grossman.

JACKSONVILLE +7 at Indianapolis

Jacksonville did have an extrordinary string of bad luck as a team last year and this year they hope to turn things around...if only they can stay healthy. Luckily, its the first game of the year and they are healthy. Peyton and the Colts should win this game, but it will be closer than you think. MJD is a force and should impose his will on the Colts defense, slowing the game down and keeping things close. Take the road dog here, buy yourself a good steak with the money I have won you. Get the mashed potatoes with it. Treat yourself nice for once.

Detroit at New Orleans OVER 48.5

There is no way Detroit's defense can slow down New Orleans offense. None chance. The only problem is, I am in no way confident that the Saint's defense can stop Detroit's offense. I'm scared with this game, so I am gonna pray for a shoot-out on both ends and take the over. If you do the same, so help you God I hope you win.

DALLAS -6 at Tampa Bay

The Cowboys don't need a wide receiver to beat they Bucs by a touchdown. They have about 15 running backs on their team that will beat the rebuilding Buccaneers into submission. I expect Barber, Jones and Choice to go nuts on Tampa and Dallas will easily pull out a win here. Bet Dallas and buy yourself something nice with the winnings. You can't afford not to play this one here.

WASHINGTON +6.5 at NY Giants

Yea, I am a huge homer, its true, but I think the Redskins have a chance here. The Giants' secondary is beat up coming out of camp and their D-line has 2 guys returning from season ending injuries. The Giants also have no established WR on their roster and Eli's numbers went to hell last season without his security blanket, Plaxico Burress. So what am I saying? I am not saying the Redskins will win...i'm just saying it looks to be a battle of field goals instead of touchdowns. If this is true, I am a friggin genius...not just a homer...a GENIUS!

St. Louis at SEATTLE -7.5

This spread cant be high enough. I would still bet Seattle -10 here I think. St. Louis is a joke and Seattle's offense should surprise people this season with a healthy (for now) Matt Hasselbeck and the greatest WR corps he's ever had to work with including the mighty chain mover TJ Houshmandzadeh. Take Seattle and enjoy your hard earned cash.

Chicago at GREEN BAY -3

This one is a toughie. In the end, I believe Aaron Rogers will have a better day against a stout Bears D than Culter will have against an opportunistic Packers D. That, and you shouldn't really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can't fail.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Patriots are going to run the score up as much as they can in this game, just to prove cover boy Brady is healthy and they are back on top. Take the huge spread and pray the Bills come out of this game walking instead of on a stretcher...because I'm a nice guy like that. You need to take that money you've been saving for presents this holiday season and bet it all on this one. After you win, you'll be able to afford TWICE as many nice gifts as before.


SAN FRANCISCO +6 at Arizona

Yes, this is the upset special of the week. Yes, Arizona got to the super bowl last year with a heck of a run, but the 49ers actually had a nice little run to end their season last year as well. The team believes in head coach Mike Singletary and he will play to this team's strengths this season by running the ball, running the ball and running the ball more. Frank Gore and Glenn Coffee will pound Arizona to dust with the rock and their short passing game should frustrate the Cardinals all day. The 49er's D wont be able to stop Fitzgerald but with an ailing Bolden, they should be able to contain him. If they can get to Kurt Warner a few times they might have a chance. At the very least, I think the 49ers cover, best case, they win this game outright.

SAN DIEGO -9 at Oakland

Not even Norv Turner can screw up this matchup. The Raiders are never going to be able to stop Rivers, LT, Sproles, Gates and Jackson. That and they might not even score against the Chargers defense which should be stronger than last year with their D line intact and with their own issues on offense. This should be as close to a lock as it comes so here's what you do. Take out that 2nd mortgage, sell a kidney and use that kid's college fund here. You gotta play big to win big!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.


Docksquad said...

nice post. im working on my picks right now, will send them to u when im done. i definitely love the jags in that spot...

Chimpanzee Rage said...

Do it man!