Monday, January 12, 2009

Do Footballer Brains Look Like Lasagna? Let's Find Out

It's one thing to get a Congressional intern shitfaced on multiple Irish Car Bombs (political milkshake for you P.C. types) and have him jump through an open bar window, mount a bike and start yelling "I'm a pony" before throwing him and a $20 bill in cab as he loses it all over the back seat.** It's another thing to come out of the bushes during a soccer game with a chainsaw and try to chop off an opponent's hand. If that doesn't suit you, how about attacking with a long sword? Welcome to amateur soccer, England style.

Anthony Lloyd was sentenced to a year in prison and suspended for two years (whatever that means) for attempting to cut an opposing player's hand off with a chainsaw during a soccer game.
Lloyd, 20, was ordered off the park pitch for foul language but returned with the running power tool and tried to chop the hands off rival Paul Westwood while yelling: "I'm a crank."
The prosecutor claimed that Lloyd came back onto the pitch from the bushes and the victim's friend ran off leaving him at the mercy of the chainsaw-waving maniac. It's probably worth mentioning that he had been drinking. Amazingly Westwood only suffered a minor flesh wound.

Injuries were avoided in another match where a sent-off player returned with a golf club and long sword. Details are scarce as the teams are waiting for the referee's report and they "don't want to make it sound worse than it was and want to see what the authorities have to say". Good point. It's not like the wannabe Highlander was waving a chainsaw. Hopefully he claimed he was Spanish even though he had a Scottish accent. The match was abandoned after the incident.

Do the areas around English soccer fields need to be checked for weapons? Let's hope no games are played near IRA weapons stockpiles. More troubles are the last thing anyone needs. My hope is that we see some of this behavior in the professional leagues. The next time John Terry gets sent off, he should rush Howard Webb with a blackjack while spitting and cursing like, like ... John Terry. Stoke's Ricardo Fuller could grab a strategically-placed mace from the touchline and rush his captain. The possibilities are endless.

**I'm not sure what that drinking story has to do with anything either.

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