Friday, October 23, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 7 Pick Em

Wow, ok so last week was my first truly awful week. I finished up a bloody 6-8 last week, losing both my lock and upset picks of the week. Just miserable. For the season, this puts me at 45-43 overall, 3-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-4 on Upsets of the Week. I either need to get a whole lot better at this or a whole lot more interesting as a writer to keep you reading this so this week, I will try to do both. Let me first load up on some booze. Ok done. On to the picks, as a warning, these picks are not for the feint of heart, so many road teams being picked this week it is SICK. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Asia from the New England Patriots. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

SAN DIEGO -4.5 at Kansas City

Do i trust Norv Turner to win this game? No. If they do win, do I trust Norv to win by 5 points. No again. Do you know what I trust even less? If you guessed Kansas City's defense, then you would be correct. Despite having Norv and a suspect defense (and special teams if you look at what happened last week, sheesh), the Chargers' offense should be good enough to win this game by a touchdown over the Chiefs' horrendous defense and substandard offense. If you trust me, take the Chargers and don't look back...don't ever look back. TAKING THE CHARGERS IS MY ELECTRIC JOLT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Minnesota at PITTSBURGH -5.5

The Vikings' run will end in Pittsburgh. Minnesota was exposed last week against the Ravens in the second half as a team that can be thrown on and throwing is something that the Steelers do very very well. Big Ben had yet another 400 yard game last week and he might do it again this week as the Vikings' corners are suspect and they are not getting much of a pass rush at all. Brett Favre and AP might actually be contained for most of the day, especially if they are down Percy Harvin as the rookie has been a vital cog in their offense thus far this year. Throw in the fact that Polamalu has a chance to play and you got yourself a Pittsburgh win right here. Betting the Steelers is my IRON CITY IRON CLAD LOCK OF THE WEEK!!

SAN FRANCISCO +3 at Houston

The 49ers are coming off a bye and getting their #1 running back back in the saddle. These are good things for the young 49ers. Houston has been the most schizophrenic team in football. They have yet to win 2 games in a row, following every win with a loss. Guess what, last week they won. I'm playing the trends here and taking the 49ers. With Houston's horrible D allowing Shaun Hill to dink and dunk all over the field when Gore isnt gashing them for yardage, this is as certain a pick as I've had all year. Take the 49ers, because if Mike Singletary and Gary Kubiak got into a fight, you'd better believe that I'll take Singletary. As a matter of fact, next week, i might just pick the head coaches I would think would win in a fight for all my picks. Write that one down, that is a good idea.

GREEN BAY -9 at Cleveland

As of the time I am writing this, my sources tell me pretty much the entire city of Cleveland has the swine flu. This doesn't bode well for Green Bay next week, but this week they should be golden. If the Pack doesn't cover this spread look up in the sky because PIGS WILL BE FUCKING FLYING! This is my VACCINATION pick of the week. You will be SICK to your STOMACH and PUKING your GUTS out if you do NOT get in on this!

New Orleans at MIAMI +6.5

Sure New Orleans has this high flying offense that cannot be stopped. Miami will not stop them, but that whacky Wildcat offense sure is going to keep the score close. That is all I am betting on here. Well that and I am a big believer in taking a home dog that is coming off a bye week. There is an advantage there and you should take advantage of it. Also of note, depending on the site, somewhere between 77-95% of the action is on the Saints here...and the line hasn't moved. Some heavy hitters must like Miami on this one, you should see this and use it to your advantage. This is my SEX PANTHER pick of the week, if you see a little advantage, you might as well use it.

CHICAGO +1 at Cincinnati

The real question is, which Bengals team will show up to this game? The team that beat Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore or the team that lost to Houston. We wont count the Denver game because they, by all rights, should've won that game. The Bengals are 1-2 at home so far and this won't be an easy test for them at all. Cutler should be secure now with his new contract, but will he go crazy and throw a bunch of INTs to lose this game for his team? Will Forte finally run like he did last year? Who knows. So many questions. In this game, I am just going with the better D and taking the Bears. If defense is good enough to win championships, it is good enough to win midseason games in Week 7.

New York Jets at OAKLAND +6.5

I'm not saying the Raiders are going to win this game...I'm just saying that they have a chance. Sanchez will not have an easy time throwing against this defense so you have to think it will be a running party yet again for the Jets' rushers. The Jets' defense should be able to confuse, harass, and dominate the Raiders hapless offense. This game is going to be decided by field goals and not touchdowns. I'd take the under if it werent 35, but it isnt so take the points.

Buffalo at Carolina UNDER 37

Now this game, I am willing to go under. You're going to have Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Jake Delhomme here which means lots of runs eating away at the clock without points going up. Both running games are miserable right now as well, so that'l be a lotta running without going anywhere.

New England at TAMPA BAY +14.5

There is no home team in England, although I hope the crowd isnt going to be rooting for a symbol of something that killed a shit ton of them. Because American patriots should never be welcome in England we must root for the gay pirates...i mean Buccaneers. Right. I am just hoping the travel keeps this one somewhat close. We'll see. This is my YOU SAY YOU WANT AN UPSET...errr...REVOLUTION pick. Wait that was sung by a bunch of Brits...whatever, take the Bucs.

ARIZONA +7 at New York

Last week the Giants took a beat down that opened my eyes to something...the fact that they can actually be beat. Arizona, on the other hand, looked pretty solid last week. With the Giant's secondary in shambles I have to think that the Cardinals' passing game is going to be just fine this week. I might even be inclined to take the Cardinals money line if it paid well enough. Take the cards in this one. When you win, you will shout "THANK YOU JEEEEEESUS!" like my main man Kurt did lo' these many years ago.

PHILADELPHIA -7 at Washington

One team is having a guy who has been out of football for five years and on the team for two weeks calling plays...and one team doesnt. How this spread isnt 14 points is a testament to how decent the Redskins D has been playing this year. Nevertheless, no matter what the spread, I cannot pick the Redskins. God, it sucks to be a Redskins' fan this year...take the Eagles.


ATLANTA +3.5 at Dallas

Ok, this one I just don't get. Dallas is not a good team at all. Atlanta, on the other hand, is. Dallas hasn't even won in their brand new stadium, so i cannot think the home field advantage is all that great here. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here, just going to take Atlanta and not ask any questions. This is my STICK A CARROT UP MY ASS AND CALL ME MR. ED DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH pick of the week...also the Upset Special.


INDIANAPOLIS -13 at St. Louis

The Colts are going to beat the Rams by 30 easily in this game. They'd have stiffer competition if they were playing Florida right now, even after the beheading of Tebow. The Rams have Steven Jackson and that is it. That poor poor man. If anyone in the Rams' front office has any soul left from their Super Bowl wins they would trade him while he still has some run left in his legs. I feel bad for him...especially if Bob Sanders is playing this week. Pray for Steven Jackson. Pick the Colts. When in St. Louis, if its cold outside, make sure that you check out The Royale which has a friggin terrific burger as well as plenty of awesomely creative booze and a fire pit. NOTHING goes together better than fire and booze...ok throw some sex and bacon in there and you might actually achieve nirvana. Just try not to mind the hipsters too much...ugh.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.


Spewf said...

I live in Indiana and am a huge Colts fan. I be heading down to St. Louis today and i am going to go see the game on Sunday.

Chimpanzee Rage said...

Right on Spewf, have fun in St. Louis! Cheers.