Friday, October 9, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 5 Pick Em

This is going to be one long season, last week was another totally average week, with your boy Chimp going 7-7, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week. Overall, I am 32-29 and 2-2 on the Locks of the Week and 1-3 on the Upset Specials. Still a whole lot of room to make some money and if you were for some reason betting with me here, you would probably be around even. But, we can do better, and we certainly will this week. I have information that will make this week the ultimate lock week of all weeks! READ ON! As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Abbie M from the Baltimore Ravens. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

MINNESOTA -10 at St. Louis

You know a team is bad when I am willing to lay 10 points against a home team on a team playing on a short week due to them having just played their guts out on Monday night. St. Louis is that bad. If this were a college game, there would be a 30 point spread. These teams are mirror images of each other. If you wanted a real life analogy, the Vikings are a NASA shuttle lifting off to go visit the space station, while the Rams are the rocket that is on a death mission to the Moon to literally punch the moon in its fucking face. You gotta take the Vikings here, their D will pummel whomever is quarterbacking the Rams into the ground like a NASA rocket into the moon...I cannot use that story enough apparently! THIS IS MY SUPERSONIC PICK OF THE WEEK because you will be running so fast to make this bet you will generate a Goddamn SONIC BOOM!!!

Dallas at KANSAS CITY +9

Sure Tony Romo is a screw-up, they have average wide receivers, all their running backs are banged up and their defense is do not ignore any of that information. As bad as Kansas City is and they are pretty horrible, I actually think they have a chance at home against this Dallas squad. Not a good chance, but a good enough chance to cover 9 points here. Take the Chiefs, put a good amount of money on it, then go take this sick ass Makers Mark Master Distiller's Experience. You get a friggin 24 karat bottle of your own booze, literally your face is etched onto the bottle, its YOURS! THIS IS MY 130 PROOF KILLER BUZZ PICK OF THE WEEK!

Washington at CAROLINA -3.5

Yeah, so far I am 1-0 when picking against my Redskins like I said I would the rest of the season and I think I am going to increase my winning streak to 2 games this week. Both teams are desperate, one team will win.

My information this week says the 'Skins have hired a man that was recently pulling bingo balls out of a barrel for a church to be the salvation for their offense. How anyone can ever bet on them is beyond me. If you live in the DC area like me, you should take Carolina and when you win buy yourself a nice big HD television and some NFL Sunday Ticket so you never have to watch the Redskins again. GOD they suck.

Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA -14.5

I must be crazy...or AM I? This line is actually up to 16 in some places and the action on Tampa has been pretty steady even with the line moves. No one thinks the Bucs can actually win this game, but they question whether the Eagles can actually put up the points to cover this line. I'm here to assure you, they will. Sure McNabb is just coming back, but after the performance that Kevin Kolb had the last two weeks and Mike Vick's ever increasing appearances on the field, Donovan will want to desperately piss all over the Buccaneers to assert his dominance and claim this football team for himself, once and for all...again...and just for this season. No way McNabb is here next year. Take the Eagles and when you win, piss all over your house, just to make a point. Claim that territory.

NY JETS -1 at Miami

Look for the Jets' defense to terrorize Chad Henne into making a mistake on the few plays he is allowed to throw the ball. The other 80% of the time when the Dolphins are running, they will be bottled up tighter than a jar of some tasty Rao's Vodka Sauce. Have you ever had this shit? It is possibly some of the greatest, store bought and mass produced red sauce on the planet. Mrs. Rage made some tasty Spaghetti alla Carbonara that was pushed over the top by the application of this sauce. Oh my GOD was so good I actually regurgitated it a few times in my mouth after the meal just to taste it again...or maybe that was just acid reflux...either way it was just as tasty the second time. Buy it, you cannot go wrong with it, much like you cannot go wrong taking the Jets here. This is my HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY ATE 3/4 OF A BOX OF PASTA AND DAMN NEAR A PACKAGE OF BACON AND I STILL WANT MORE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

Oakland at NY Giants UNDER 38

Look, the Raiders havent let anyone put up over 29 points on them this season and they haven't scored a touchdown in 2 weeks with 9 points being their total offensive output in that span. The Raiders shut out a Tampa offense that is actually better than the Raiders. All this adds up to another really, really, low scoring game. Unless the Giants win 39-0, with an injured Eli Manning and a running game that will run the clock down quick, this game is going under. Take the Giants, its my Super Mega Ultra Special Upside Jigga Generic-Cliched Words pick of the week.

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE -9

I have inside information on this game that YOU NEED TO KNOW...and if i had a 1-800 number I could let you know, but I don't so you will have to trust me. This is my 4 star, game of the year pick! Home team covers this large 9 point spread. The Bengals are yeah and they will be exposed this as such! Take Baltimore -9, thats right the RAVENS giving 9 points is your pick! Bet this right and you will be set to gamble the REST OF THE YEAR...HON!

PITTSBURGH -10.5 at Detroit

Yea, the Steelers should cruise this week and they might be getting the heart and soul of their D back when Troy Polamalu returns. Detroit has been beat down by more than 10 points in all 3 of their losses...and why not make it 4 for 4? By the way, you notice how large the spread are this week? So far we've had a 10, two 9's, two 14.5, now a 10.5. I mean, what happened to parity? Jesus! Take the Stillers, eat all the Primanti Bros you want after you win, you'll need it to absorb the alcohol you will ingest so you can stand to watch this blowout.

ATLANTA +2.5 at San Francisco

San Fran has surprised many with its 3-1 record, beating the Cardinals, Rams and Seahawks and losing to the Vikings by just 3 points. Meanwhile Atlanta is coming off a bye week at 2-1, losing once to the Patriots...San Fran is getting way too much respect here. This is a gimme, take the Falcons, the 49ers are impressing people, but lets not crown them yet. The Falcons are a solid team and should win this game out right. Take the Falcons, ITS MY FIVE POINTED STAR DEVIL MAY CARE PICK OF THE WEEK!

NEW ENGLAND -3 at Denver

I mean really, in what would should the Patriots ever be favored by just 3 points against the Broncos? I mean, these Broncos barely beat the Bengals and have beat the Cowboys, Raiders and Browns...hardly stout competition. Belichik taught Josh McDaniels all he knows...except how to beat the King. Not this week for the brash young coach, like the late James Brown said "I taught them everything they know...not everything I know." Take the Patriots, this is my GET UP PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG SEX MACHINE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE ME WANNA KISS MYSELF PICK OF THE WEEK!

Houston at Arizona UNDER 50

Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks this game is going to be some 35-29 high scoring fiasco, but I am not buying that hype. Arizona is at home and coming off a bye week allowing them 2 weeks to prepare for this offense. This game will have plenty of fireworks, but its not going above 50 points total. Fade the public and take the under safely here peoples. If I had a fade of the week, this would be it.

Jacksonville at Seattle

I can only find this line at one sportsbetting site and they have Jacksonville favored by 3. The rest of the sports gambling world it is off the board due to Hasselbeck's questionable status right now. So, i'm not going to do a huge writeup about this game and I am not going to include it in my picks for this week. But, if I had to make a pick, I'd take Jacksonville, even if the spread is 3.


CLEVELAND +210 at Buffalo

Well isnt this game a stinker? Toss a coin, I dunno. Seriously, no team deserves to win this game. Buffalo is favored by 6 at home and they need to win because when they dont, the crime rate jumps in Buffalo. Meanwhile, the Browns are winless and traded their former best receiver away for a couple of gritty role players to shake things up a little. Will it work? Who knows. What I do know is, i don't feel confident in the Bills winning by a touchdown, nor do I feel confident the Browns will let them. No, where I see value in this matchup is the moneyline bet. +210 is just juicy enough to want to gamble since the Browns do actually have a chance here, not a good chance, but a double my damn money chance if they win. Take the Browns, gamble a little to double your cash and when you do, find me and shake my hand...if you dont, please dont punch me in the face. THIS IS MY DO NOT DARE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE PICK OF THE WEEK! Oh...also the Upset Special seeing as I am picking a 6 point underdog to win outright. Trapper, this one's for you.


INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Tennessee

I am officially done with the Titans like I am done with the Redskins. Every week I bet on them to break out of this slump and every week they disappoint me. Obviously, Jim Schwartz was a fucking genius and his absence is a void that cannot be filled by any other mortal being. Screw this team, take the Colts, Peyton Manning is playing the best football of his career, their defense is getting healthier every second, they have 2 running backs and 3 receivers playing exceptionally well, their offensive line is are they only favored by 3.5? You know what this means? LOCK OF THE WEEK. Thats right...i just did that. And while you're in Nashville watching your Titans lose, hit up Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge because no trip to that city is complete without it.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.


Doug McNamara said...

So, my fantasy question of the week: do I start Farver against the Rams (who are 19th in the league in pass D, giving up 236PaYA/G) or a potentially rusty Hasselbeck against the Jags (who are 30th in the league in pass D, giving up 288PaYA/G)? This is, of course, assuming Hasselbeck is healthy.

I'm tempted to start Hasselbeck because St. Louis also has an awful run D and Adrian Peterson is due for an apeshit (or should I say "chimpshit"?) game.

Alternatively, I could drop both QBs and take a flyer on the Giants' David Carr, who appears to have last started a game in 2007 when he was on the Panthers.

Chimpanzee Rage said...

I'd go the safe route and pick Favre. I wouldnt want to risk my fantasy fortunes on a super injury prone Hasselbeck or David Carr, who last looked like a good football player when he was at Fresno State eight years ago.