Friday, October 2, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 4 Pick Em

Last week wasn't horrible, but it wasn't amazing either. I finished up 9-7 here, and missed on the Upset Special but hit on my Lock of the week. Overall, I am 25-22 and 1-2 on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials. Like I said, not bad, but not great. We can do better, and we will this week. HERE WE GO. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Emily C from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +9 at Houston

The Raiders are a horrible team, just horrible, but as bad as they are, Houston's D is worse. They are, and have been for awhile, the worst defense in the league. Its hard to be this bad for this long, but they are and have been. For this and this reason only, I am picking the Oakland Raiders to cover. With a D this bad, Oakland might not ever have to actually throw the ball and, really, why would they? JaMarcus Russel is scary bad. Take the Raiders and get yourself a big puffy Raiders Starter jacket with it, kickin it old skool boyeeeeee.

TENNESSEE -3 at Jacksonville

Tennessee is the best 0-3 team in football, hands down, and I will keep putting money on them until they win a damn game. Certainly they should have no problem putting away the hapless Jaguars at their home. 3 points is a gimme here. Take two Titans -3 and call me in the morning.

CINCINNATI -6 at Cleveland

You're kidding me right? The real question is how does Cincinnati screw this game up so they don't win by more than 6 points. They are perfectly capable of this and we all know it, but do not let that persuade you into making a bet on the home dog. You are better than that and you know it. Just look at this game as a gift from the gambling God, Gamblor. He knows you cannot resist a juicy line like that so don't. Gamblor is a spiteful God. Do not anger him by turning down gifts. Once you win this bet, make sure you go straight to under your bathroom sink where you have your mini slot machine surrounded by candles and a picture of the Cthulhu-like monster that is Gamblor and pay your respects to the God that controls you.

New York Giants at Kansas City OVER 42

Everyone knows the Giants are going to win this game and after shutting out Tampa last week, everyone anticipates this game to be just as big a blowout, hence the 9 points that the Giants are favored by. But is 9 too much? Over 80% of the action is on the Giants and this line has not budged. I smell a rat. What I expect this time is that their D will give up points, their offense will score more, and in the end, it will be a 31-14 type score with thanks to a garbage time score for the Chiefs. If that score actually happens, my wife gets dinner at a restaurant of her choice...if she is actually reading this of course.

DETROIT +10 at Chicago

What, exactly, have the Bears done this year to be 10 point favorites against anyone? I'm waiting...yeah, I thought so, nothing. The Lions have at least proved one thing this year, that they are one game better than last year. That is always nice to get out of the way in the 3rd week. They wont win this game, but they aren't going to get blown out either. Culter doesn't have those kinds of weapons here and the Bears' defense, while solid, has seen better days. Take the Lions, but first, you need have a yard sale on Saturday morning. Think of it as fall cleaning, you slob. Get rid of all that clutter like old books, t-shirts, silverware, plates, watches, couches, televisions, your children and take all that money and throw it on this game. You'll thank me for it.

TAMPA BAY +9 at Washington

Yea, if you read last week, you know that I said that if the Redskins didn't cover, I would bet against them the rest of the season, no matter what the line was. Well, they didn't cover, so here we are picking Tampa. Luckily, this week, I actually like Tampa to cover this one since I don't believe the Redskins can beat anyone by more than a field goal this season. I'm still rooting for my 'skins to win...but I ain't betting on them ever again. Take the Bucs, they wont win, but the Redskins can't help but make this game close.

Seattle at INDIANAPOLIS -10.5

That is a LOT of points. A LOT of them. I'm not sure, but over 10 point favorites never seem to do that well in the NFL, someone should look that why am I picking the Colts? Because they are freakin good and the Seneca Wallace show isn't going to be able to keep up with them, especially with Julius Jones looking like he's running through quicksand. Oh, and I have to take one of these massive home favorites at some point, so here we are. Take the Colts and the points, act like a total barstool pundit while you're doing it and when you win kick everyone that mocked you right in the balls. They deserve it.


Last week the Bills proved that you can slow down the Saints mighty offense and the Jets will put all sorts of pressure on Drew Brees to prove that you can slow them down enough to win. Thing is, I dont think they will. With all that pressure, someone's gotta be open, and Brees is good enough to find them. The Saints' defense, however, has become blitz happy as well now that Gregggggggg Williams is their new coordinator and they will put the heat on young Mark Sanchez forcing him into finally showing the league that he is, indeed, a rookie. After you win this, shake a magic 8 ball and ask it if you are the man...signs will point to YES.

Buffalo at MIAMI +1

This is a game separated by two camps. Those that went to Michigan and believe that Chad Henne will actually win this game, thus proving he actually does belong in the NFL...and there is the rest of the world that knows he doesn't. I fall in the latter of the two camps but I know something you may not and this might amaze you but...Miami runs the ball a TON. Henne will really just have to hand the damn ball off and they will beat Buffalo at home this week. On the defensive side, even Jason Taylor, who looks like he is playing the role of Bruce Smith in his last year, can sack Trent Edwards with the Buffalo O Line in front. Take the 'phins, enjoy the 1 point cushion you have, relax in that easy chair you have and win you win your big me an easy chair like the one you have. I need me some lay-z-boy action.

DALLAS -3 at Denver

Denver is not a very good team. Oh, I know they are 3-0, but really, trust me, they are not a very good team. Don't trust them. It pains me to go with Dallas here, but you have to pick them. Denver's stats have been padded by playing the Raiders and the Browns the last two games, any team will look like a champion with that schedule. In this game, they will come down to earth. Orton will come down to earth. Their D will realize they still do not have a defensive line as Barber and Choice gash them for 200+ yards. Dallas wins this...well, just pray Romo doesnt screw this up. Take the Cowboys, buy yourself a pony when you win...for the kids of course.

San Diego at Pittsburgh OVER 43

Both teams have been hit by injuries and I have no idea who is going to win this game. What I do know is that both teams are hurting at RB and even with healthy RB's they love to sling the ball. There is going to be a lot of clock stoppages and big plays and this will be one exciting, high scoring game. Take the over and don't look back. No idea who is going to win...but points will be scored!! After you bet this game and before you sit down to watch it, make sure you buy yourself a seat belt for your're going to need it.

GREEN BAY +3.5 at Minnesota

The revenge game, on Monday night, can it get any better? Yes...if Brett Favre loses this game. That will make it perfect. This will be a squeaker, take the road dog yet again this week. If Brett Favre actually beats his old team at least we know that we are already in Hell.


BALTIMORE +1 at New England

Its a rare day that I pick against the Patriots at home, but this is one of those days, I'm going Ravens here. Why? Well after the Jets gave the Pats fits I kinda think the Ravens can do the same thing with their D. Also, the Ravens' offense is better. Their running backs are better, they are deeper at WR, their line is playing better, and Flacco is, right now, playing better football than Football Fabio Tom Brady. Come to think of it, the Ravens are just a better team all around right now. Be gutsy, be a man (or woman) and do what you know is right and pick against the Pats at home. When you make this call and you win, you're going to want to do exactly what I am going to do...which, of course, is to run outside and rip your shirt off full-on Hulkamania stylie and scream "I AM A FUCKING SPORTS BETTING GOD!"...especially if you are a woman you might want to consider this.


St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -9

Lets see, Bulger is hurting, their best receiver (and a revelation at the position for the team) Laurent Robinson is out for the year and their defense is wretched. They only thing the Rams have going for them is poor Steven Jackson, whose talents are being wasted more than Marshall Faulk's were when he was with the Colts. It'd be awesome if they repaid the Colts for giving them Faulk and give them Jackson, not because i like the Colts, but because i REALLY feel bad for Jackson. Pick the 49ers here and watch this game if you can. You might see Mike Singletary blow a groin from jockin his players so hard.

And while your in San Francisco, make sure you hit up Burger Meister. Gourmet burgers...can you go wrong? No, especially when they look like this!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.


Doug McNamara said...

So, and this is more important, in my fantasy league, should I try to start the 'Skins against the hapless Bucs or New Orleans, with their blitz happy D, against the rookie-led Jets? I have to believe that even fatass Albert Haynesworth can manage to decimate the soon-to-be 2-14 Bucs. However, it's the 'Skins and they make everyone look good. Thoughts?

Chimpanzee Rage said...

Trick question! Pick up the Bengals.

Trapper John said...

The Bengals aren't available in his league, if his league is any good.

Doug McNamara said...

Trapper, you are correct, leaving me with my original dilemma...thoughts?

Chimpanzee Rage said...

Well if that is the case, i say go Redskins. Tampa has lost Ward for the game and they are starting a 2nd year QB with less experience than Dirty Sanchez. While they might not get you turnovers, sacks or defensive TDs, they might at least keep the yardage and score lower.