Yeah Here Comes The Donkey

It's somewhat appropriate that Tim Couch would have spent his "glory" days playing for a team whose uniform reminds one of shit. Far be it from us to ever disparage most things reminiscent of the deuce. After all, we are named after one of the most infamous (more than famous) deuces in recent history, possibly in all written history. According to my college philosophy professor, written history is the only history that matters. It seems only right that the story of Tim Couch conforms with my professor's flap-doodle.

After flaming out of professional football like the Challenger due to injuries and all-around suck, Couch attempted a comeback this summer with the Jacksonville Jaguars. One would think he would have had a good chance of making the team considering that the other two QBs ahead of him were a gimp and a Crohn's Disease sufferer. Not so fast, my friend. The first pick of the 1999 NFL Draft was cut on August 18th. Somewhere, Akili Smith smiled.

Yahoo Sports obtained documents showing that Couch used anabolic steroids and HGH during his most recent comeback. He told Yahoo that "he briefly took HGH – which is banned by the NFL – in hopes the drug would help him recover from shoulder surgery. But he denied using steroids or any other banned drugs and said he never had seen the documents".

Too bad HGH doesn't cure suck or stupid. Couch took HGH and possibly steroids and still sucked. Let this be a lesson to all you Barry Bonds haters. Sorry, I digress. Let's assume the documents are telling the truth. If he had made the team (yeah I know - just for shits and giggles), he would have been subject to drug testing and could have tested positive. A positive test would have meant a suspension. He does say he passed a drug test when he signed with the Jags on July 29th.

He admitted to Yahoo that at the least he used HGH.

"The bottom line is I was not in the NFL during any of the period of time (when the regimens called for the use of steroids), so that also makes me feel like, what's the story?" Couch said. "… I don't know where this stuff comes from. I don't know where you got any of this."

Excuse me, dumbass? Did he retain Lance Briggs as his lawyer? The NFL might see it a bit differently.

If Couch rejoins the NFL, he could face disciplinary action based on information from league spokesman Greg Aiello. A free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy, according to Aiello, who in an email wrote that a player "will be subject to discipline if we have sufficient proof that he used a banned substance without an acceptable medical justification. Merely being prescribed it by a doctor is not enough."

Concerned about the possible sanctions, Couch said, "I'm not saying I did it, but what if I did do it? What happens then? … What does this mean for me?"

He must have a dream team of Briggs, Pacman Jones and Odell Thurman.

He's probably done so the issue may be moot. However, it's not a complete loss. That increased arm strength should help him as he pumps Blizzards at a Kentucky Dairy Queen. Hopefully they don't have a drug testing program. If you've been to a Dairy Queen, you know it's a pretty safe bet that they have nothing close to drug testing.