Diego Maradona Mistakes Eathab for Rehab And Gayhab

Poor Diego Maradona. The Hand of God is helping him put steak, empanadas and small children down his throat instead of helping him win games. The Argentina manager is running away from his team's dismal World Cup qualifying campaign and heading to fat camp to lose weight and relieve some stress. Patrick Kennedy and Ted Haggart say he's doing it all wrong.

Argentina is on the verge of not making the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa after being molested by Brazil and Paraguay in the South American qualifiers. Maradona is responding to this national crisis by taking off to Italy in order to lose five kilos. The Deuce respects doctor-patient privilege but Dr. Nick should probably explain how losing five kilos will improve Argentina's chances of making the World Cup. He won't gain in strategy what he loses in weight. "Hi everybody! It's your window to strategery gain!"

Bolivia or Colombia seem like his kind of stress-relieving countries more than Italy. Then again he didn't have a problem getting the marching powder in Naples when he lived there. Have fun watching the finals on the Pampas, Argentina. It's not all bad. Carlos Tevez can get back in the studio next summer and bang out more hits like this.

Carlos Tevez's Mom Visits Manchester United Training Ground

Sir Alex Ferguson Has A Master Plan

Fergie's finally assembled the greatest team in board game history. Watch his young guns go at it as Carlos Tevez and Anderson show you how it's done. I'm pretty sure a chimp could take them both at the same time.



I can't wait for Dimitar Berbatov to take on all comers with his collar popped like Cantona and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Is That Hulk Rock? Well Turn It Up

Season by season, Manchester United striker Carlos Tevez comes closer to looking like Lou Ferrigno's Incredible Hulk. Who knew Hulk sing?

The Sun caught Tevez singing on stage with the evil Bob Ross in Cordoba, Argentina. Evil Bob is going by the name of Juan Carlos Mona Jimenez.

You're probably wondering how Hulk sound on mic. Hulk sing for you.

Dancing With The Hulk

This is a bit old but it's the first time we've seen it. We're still trying to find the one where Cristiano Ronaldo is dancing to this. Yeaah!

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The soccer roundup returns after a lengthy summer vacation which was well deserved.

What Are You Lookin' At?

Perennial delinquent and Liverpool (sorry that was redundant) winger Jermaine Pennant loves to get his swerve on. So much so that he spent a month in jail due to drunk driving charges in 2005. When arrested, he gave his name to the police as Ashley Cole.

Pennant was also cautioned after a row with his girlfriend as well as arrested in July of this year for a public order offense. Liverpool manager Rafa "Vagina Face" Benitez warned him that he was on his last chance and he would tolerate no more trouble. He managed to stay on the right side of the law until this past weekend.

Pennant got shitfaced and involved in a fight on Saturday night. Here's an eyewitness account.

"Jermaine was absolutely leathered. He could barely stand and was slurring his words. His eyes were a mess ... I spoke to him briefly in the club and he was swearing and slagging people off, but he was laughing. I left the club at about 2.30am and walked past the takeaway, and as I went by it kicked off. There was lots of pushing and shoving and swearing, and Jermaine was in the middle of it. He was trying to calm things down and was saying, ‘Calm down, calm down’ — but he was too drunk and fell over. His mate, who I think was also a footballer, was arrested and a WPC put him in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground. His attitude stank and he wasn’t keen on being arrested."

Pennant has been playing well but it'll be interesting to see whether Rafa comes down on him. He's probably a hero to all Liverpudlians.

Hulk Says Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go

This Tevez/Mascherano saga will never end. Their troubles in England seem to have worked themselves out but now they're in bigger trouble in Brazil. Both players are under investigation for tax evasion and if found guilty, they could each get up to five years in prison.

The alleged crimes took place while both were playing for Corinthians. Of course, MSI head Kia Joorabchian is involved. One Brazilian paper claims that two former Corinthians players arranged to receive part of their salaries outside of Brazil in order to avoid taxes.

This should be a clear lesson to all clubs that they should never do business with Joorabchian or MSI. West Ham should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he never bought the club. They'd probably be in League Two if his bid had been successful.

Fergie Attacked By Midget?

Sorry, wrong Fergie. We were all hoping it was that over-50 skank from the Black Eyed Peas but we're talking about Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. A man was arrested after attacking Ferguson in a London train station on Monday.

The attacker ran up on SAF and began kicking him in the shins. He reported the attack to the police who subsequently made an arrest.

Police had no response to the allegation that the attacker was Arsene Wenger wearing a wig and a Robbie Savage mask.

Wayne Rooney's Podiatrist

I ain't no punk or nuthin' but I sure did miss me some proper soccer. Looks like Michael Essien's gonna make sure Claudio Pizarro doesn't get away from him this time. Good thing the Andes Bomber willing to show The Bison how many fingers he likes ... or how many goals Birmingham were going to score today. Let's get to a quick link dump of the weekend's football news.

Who's the dumbass who forgot to set his fantasy team for the first weekend of the season but will still win the Celebrity Blogger Fantasy Premiership? - Mustafa Redonkulous

It's all on the Hulk. Shrek breaks his foot again. - BBC Football

540 midfielders still can't beat Sunderland. Looks like the curse of Peter Reid has been lifted. - The Guardian

Wah! The manager doesn't spoon with me! Wah! - Football365

Escape at the Cameldome. - Sky Sports

Way to pass the buck. - Sky Sports

Ronaldo's Escort Service

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn't mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There's nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn't perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.

An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”

Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like...I don't know...a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn't Joey's first run-in with the law. In case you're unfamiliar with Joey's past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.


Wazza Wazza Wazza


Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney's attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G's throwing a £500,000 wedding and he's serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon's involved so it can't be that bad. It's great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.

“Alex (Stevie's fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”

You're practically royalty, sweet tits.


Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I'm not sure why but let's try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham's acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn't do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn't have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don't they put Don King on the case while they're at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.

...The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez's arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham's player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received - and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players' image rights and so-called "escape clauses" allowing certain bids to trigger a player's release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.

If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they'll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it's not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It's not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Police


The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho's Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby's ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho's wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he "refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers". He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

"Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs."

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested...

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

All hail the Incredible Hulk. Savior of West Pork.

Relegation weekend. It's probably the greatest weekend in the Premiership next to the one where your team wins the league. If you're not a Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal fan, you have no idea what we're talking about unless you're a fan of a team that narrowly escapes relegation.

That's right, Liverfool. You've never seen Gerrard win the league.

Irony of ironies. West Ham celebrates safety at Old Trafford on the same day and at the same place where United lifts the Premiership trophy. Both teams jubilant and on opposite ends of the table. Promotion and relegation are part of what makes football the beautiful game.

Let's bid a fond farewell to Charlton, Sheffield United and Watford. We hardly know ye. We're sure former director and chairman of Watford Elton John is rewriting Candle in the Wind for Aidy Boothroyd.

UPDATE


Fat Freddy probably should have taken up the theiving Scousers on that Michael Owen offer.