Acting A Fool Can Drive A Frenchman Crazy

Sensitive thugs, y'all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender's team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn't have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a "complete 360". Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

"Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates," the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn't work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering "serious psychological problems". Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we're being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It's not his fault. It's in the blood.

Roy Williams Gets Greg Paulus'd

Nice to see Jerry Jones' investment in Roy Williams is paying off already. Watch Roy Boy get posterized by UT-Arlington's Marques Haynes at Michael Huff's Celebrity Weekend. 



It's fine if Williams keeps that flinching to the basketball court. He doesn't want to do that when running across the middle like T.O.

Buffalo Fans Get Creative

I don't think its grammatically correct, but I guess Buffalo fans can get a pass on that due to their enthusiasm for actually making a bold move in the offseason. It ain't pretty, but it does the job.

Via WGRZ

Who didn't see this coming? The Cowboys cut T.O.

Dat Dude Took Jerry Jones To The Cleaners

You know all is well with the Cowboys when former players are laughing at the organization for paying them. Former Cowboy Marcellus Wiley mocked owner Jerry Jones for paying him straight cash when he had no business getting it.

Wiley listed a handful of big-name acquisitions [on NFL Live] that were busts for Jerry, including Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Eddie George ... and himself.

"I didn't have anything left in the tank," Wiley said, "and he gave me a lot of money."

Trey Wingo chimed in with a "Cha-ching!" at this point.

That's how Morningside Heights do! If that wasn't bad enough, Drew Rosenhaus is popping off at the mouth and shitting all over Pacman Jones to build up T.O. before he starts crying. If you guys do that, it's unfair. Nothing to see here. Move along. Just another off-season at Valley Ranch.

Forget Hard Knocks. HBO Needs To Peep This Idea

Jay Cutler is all about tough love. He slammed WR Brandon Marshall after he cut himself "slipping on a McDonald's bag". However he's not about to give up on his boy even though he's probably going to serve a two to three game suspension for violating the NFL's code of conduct.

Marshall plans on crashing at Cutler's pad during his suspension and engage in some home schooling. He plans on studying the playbook and film in addition to working out with Cutler at night. Who knows if this will start him on the path to wholesome living but it's worth a try.

T.O. is supposed to watch over Pacman in Dallas. Pacman should move in with T.O. and HBO should film it as a reality show or a sitcom. They could call it "TnA" or "That's Pac!". How great would that be? Screw watching players fall asleep in meetings or rookies getting cut. Imagine T.O. coming home to find Pacman installed a stripper pole and DJ booth in his house while he was at work. T.O. could open his door only to see some big booty hoes working the pole in his living room. Pac and Luther Campbell (uncensored so careful if you're at work) would be making it rain and smoking cigars while "Hoochie Mama" (also uncensored) blasts in the background. Another episode could have a unreinstated, bored Pacman try to work T.O.'s alleged BangBros.com connnections so he can film his own porn on the star in Texas Stadium. Jason Garrett would have to be in this one as the assistant coach who plays the choir boy but really calls himself "Freak Nasty" and creeps out the porn stars with his fetish demands like being slapped in the balls with a donkey dildo wielded by a 300 lb Eskimo girl while having tartar sauce thrown and rubbed all over his face. Who's got Pacman Fever now?

Moose Has Pacman Fever

Daryl Johnston likes him some Pacman. He thinks the locker room can keep him in check and make him the Pacman on the right. That sounds like Bill Maas silly talk. You can't hold the Pacman.

Feed the Children is code for Take Care of the Kid. That's what he's gonna be telling the Dallas-area strippers as he makes it rain. Who knows? T.O. might even get him involved in some porn.

T.O. seems to get by with short arms especially when he goes across the middle. Chris Williams should have no problem at all.

Fox Let TO Get Called The N Word

This video is a month old, but we've never seen it, apparently on a Fox News show called "The Overtime" the producers of the show let a caller get away with calling Terrell Owens a "nigger" on live tv...even though they could have used a delay to bleep it out. Gotta love to hate Fox news huh? I'm not even sure what the caller is actually saying other than the N word flying in there. TO is a lot of things, but no one should ever dare call him that...well maybe unless you're his boy, then its probably ok. This video here is a bit dramatic, but you still get to hear what happened, let the comments fly in...

The Expected Unexpected In NFL Playoffs

Saturday, the expected happened. The Patriots toppled the Jaguars in a hard fought (Joe Gibbs term) battle in Foxboro. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would be the Colts who should've had no problem with the San Diego Chargers on Sunday. Most everyone was wrong when the Chargers, who lost LT in the 2nd quarter and Phillip Rivers later in the game, snuck away with a win at Indy with some solid defense and huge contributions from back-up players.

Also on Saturday, the expected happened when the Green Bay Packers dismantled the Seattle Seahawks in classic Green Bay weather, a heavy snow and plenty of cold and wind. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would the the Dallas Cowboys who should've had no problem with the New York Giants on Sunday. TO was playing, it is a home game, no problem right? Wrong, Eli Manning (of all people) had a great game with no mistakes and the defense stepped up in the 2nd half, disrupting Tony Romo greatly, and allowing only a field goal for Dallas in the 3rd quarter. New York beats Dallas, Romo is 0-2 as a quarterback in the playoffs and T.O. cries after the game:

The unexpected should always be expected in the NFL. All Norv Turner haters, myself included, are scared to find out that a Norv Turner team made it to the conference championship. In addition to this development, most Eli Manning haters are frightened that he is in a conference championship game, especially with Tom Coughlin as his head coach. Tiki Barber must be crying in his dockers pants right now that he retired because his former team, and the next season they are a game away from the Super Bowl. All of this of course means there is a tear in the fabric of the universe somewhere and we are all certainly about to die. You should be afraid. Yes, Armageddon is upon us people but first, we have 1 more round of playoffs to go before the Super Bowl.

San Diego at New England and New York at Green Bay...this doesn't leave much drama I don't think. With weather being a huge factor, it has got to be Green Bay vs New England, dont you think? You know this guy wants to show the kid how its done.

Terrell Owens Only Wants To Talk To This Gal

Really, who wouldn't want to talk to Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain? Watch the video here where TO is hiding behind a curtain, avoiding all reporters until he spots this Latin beauty, calls her over, and gives her an "interview". Hilarious. He seems in a good mood, i'm guessing he'll play this weekend.

And because she's hot, here's one more pic of her:

Thanks to Fox Dallas via MachoChip

Drinks That Should Be Named After Athletes

When you walk into a fancy bar, you ask for fancy drinks, stuff like "I'll take a Midori Colada" or "Caramel Apple Martini" or something classy like that. When you go into a sports bar to watch your daily dose of athleticism you should be able to ask for a drink with a sports themed name. We here at the Deuce love drinking and sports, so we're happy to provide you with a guide. Here's a dozen to get you started. (I double dog dare anyone to do this entire list...if you do, I want pictures and lots of them.)

Snotty Bitch = "A Terrell Owens"
Directions: Prepare a tall glass full of ice then add 1 part Vermouth, 1 1/2 parts Vodka, 2 parts Sour mix, then 1 1/2 parts Club soda. Shake, strain, and finish off with a splash of lemon juice. Prance around like the bitch you are for the rest of the night.

Mind Eraser = "A Troy Aikman"
Directions: Pour 2 parts of coffee liqueur, add ice, float 2 shots of vodka, and two parts (or so) of lemon-lime soda, club soda or tonic water (your preference). Remember nothing for the days.

White Russian = "A Kirilenko"
Directions: Prepare a tall glass full of ice then add 2 parts Vodka, then 1 part Coffee liqueur, finally add 1 1/2 parts Cream. Stay white homey.

Liquid Cocaine = "A Doc Gooden"
Directions: A double-shot. Get a mixing cup ready with ice. Pour in 2 parts each of Vodka, Peach flavored Bourbon, Amaretto and Orange liqueur. Splash pineapple juice, then shake. Pour into double-shot glass...be fucked up for life.

Incredible Hulk = "A Barry Bonds"
Directions: Add 3 parts Hypnotiq to a chilled cocktail glass. Then add two parts Hennessy Cognac. The result is a mean green drink with a sweet but killer bite.

Blue Mother Fucker = "An Eli"
Directions: Pour 1/2 parts each of Curacao (Blue), Gin, Rum (light), Tequila (clear), Vodka into a glass of ice, add 1 splash each of 7-up and Sour Mix. Shake, drink and get sacked.

Veritas Asshat = "A Kobe"
Directions: Fill glass with ice, add 2 shots of 151 (rum) then 2 shots of Midori (melon liqueur)then 2 splashes of sour mix and then fill to top of glass with sprite. Stir with straw and enjoy...you ASSHAT!

Dirty Butt Whore = "An Amaechi"
Directions: Prepare a highball glass full of ice. Add 1 part Bourbon, 1 part Jagermeister, and 2 parts Orange juice. Fill the glass with Cola. Insert your own joke here.

Brain Damage = "An Elijah Dukes"
Directions: 3 Parts Gin, 4 Parts Jagermeister, 2 parts Vodka. Build in a rocks glass with a single ice cube. Go fucking nuts immediately after...dawg.

B-52 = "A Heath Shuler"
Directions: Layer 1 part Kahlua, 1 part Bailey's and then 1 part Grand Marnier in a shot glass. Prepare to be finished quickly.

Sexy Gator = "A Tebow" (for the ladies)
Directions: Put melon liqueur and sour into a mixing tin, and spindle-mix for two seconds. Pour contents into martini glass. Slowly pour Jagermeister down the side of the glass (it will sink to bottom). Carefully float raspberry liqueur on top of the melon-sour layer. If successful you should have a 3 layered drink! Upon finishing, you have had sex with a gator.

Suicide Pact = "A Benoit"
Directions: Grab 2 shot glasses and a friend. Each fill your shot glass halfway with tequila and top off with vodka. Prepare to die. (Too soon?)

FOR PART II OF THIS STORY CLICK HERE
Recipies from Extratasty & Drink Nation
Photo of Drunk Random Dude in DC By SexyFitsum on Flickr
Photo of Tebow from Barstool Sports

TO Don't Know Football

This story should come as no surprise. T.O.'s not even smart enough to kill himself properly so how the hell is he going to learn a NFL offensive playbook?

T.O. can't read his playbook. In fact, the Cowboys excused him from learning a portion of the playbook during training camp last season because he was having problems grasping it.

Within the organization, T.O.'s lack of familiarity with the playbook wasn't a secret. Players knew. Coaches knew. Front-office personnel knew. After all, Romo and others had to tell him the plays during practice, on occasion, so it surprised few when he wasn't sure what to do during games.

Tony Romo had to tell him the plays during the Cowboys playoff loss to the Seahawks because he had no clue what he was doing. He falls asleep in meetings and leaves his playbook in his locker at night...Holy shit, T.O.'s illiterate. At least Dexter Manley was able to do his job well even if he couldn't read Ricky Raccoon or the USA Today.

What other explanation could there be? He yells at quarterbacks when they don't throw him the ball so it'll look like it's their fault. Never mind the fact that he also drops every other ball thrown his way when he does run the right route.

The meeting between T.O. and the coaches about this must have been like a very special episode of Blossom.

Parcells: Terrell, we know you don't know the plays and we also think you can't read.
T.O.: Whoa!

Radio won't have to worry this upcoming reason. The playbook under Wade Phillips will consist of every takeout menu in Irving. Eat fresh, Dallas.