Ramming Speed, Mate

Jose Canseco is willing to stoop pretty low to keep his name in the limelight. Steroids couldn't help him become the best at baseball and they're certainly not going to help him become a bigger douchebag than Warwick Capper.

Capper appears to be Australia's version of Jose Canseco, Pete Rose and Paul Gascoigne combined. Desperation extraordinaire if you will. He was once the highest paid player in the AFL as well as two-time Coleman Medal runner-up and master of the short shorts. Since then he has experienced a swift downfall and it appears that he's done it without the aid of drugs or alcohol á la Gazza.

Since leaving the game, he's been a stripper, meter maid, "lollipop man" (school crossing guard) and "he was beaten up and left with a bloody nose by a Russian film-maker on the Coober Pedy set of the road movie Yobbo Up The Guts". Now he's made a porno with his girlfriend and allegedly sold it for a six figure sum to an porn distributor. News.com.au puts "six-figure sum" in quotes and we're inclined to go along with them. Why? Let Capper explain.

"I've had a lot of practice being a sex symbol so if you've got it, flaunt it. It's every man's fantasy. I think I'm Australia's answer to Paris Hilton. Someone also said I am like David Beckham. I'm a good-looking footballer with the same quick wit."

Australia's answer to Paris Hilton, eh? Guess he's carrying herpes around like luggage and he's been run through more times than the Lincoln Tunnel. Yahoo Serious better watch out next time he's out on the town.

The porn distributor thinks he can get $1 million for the movie. "He's got a remote control, zooming in and zooming out."

Zooming in and out? Sweet baby Jesus. What will they think of next? Wait until they find out about closed captioning and picture-in-picture.

Next March, Capper's going to enter the Gold Coast mayoral race. Mr. Capper, we at the Deuce salute your vigor.

Oh if you want to purchase some memorabilia from his playing days, you can do so at warrickcapper.com.au. Yeah ... Warrick. He's so good he doesn't have to spell his name right. Eat that, Jose.