Good dags. D'ya Like Dags?

Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like free beer more.

That's the only way anyone would get me to go to a dog show. My friend's girlfriend figured that out (not like I was hiding the fact) and got the two of us go with her to the Garden to see the Westminster Dog Show tonight. Part of me was horribly ashamed and I wanted to cut my balls off like a German cannibal but there was free beer involved and I wanted to be around for that.

We met up at the Garden and wouldn't you know that my first time in a MSG skybox would be at a dog show surrounded by a bunch of corporate assclowns who are actually interested in being there to see the dogs. Needless to say, my friend and I went straight for the fridge to see what wonders lay behind the door. Bud, Coors Light and Heineken? Oh yeah, free. Let the binging commence.

I was hoping to get drunk enough to block out the horrible old lady perfume smell that permeated the entire arena. I think it was Duane Reade Octogenarian. It was like tear gas combined with essence of urinal puck.

The night started with the national anthem. Luckily I was buying some overpriced food with the commoners. I don't care what you think but I'll be damned if I'm standing for the anthem at a dog show. The terrorists can have this round. I think I'll play the national anthem before I take my next shit. That should show the terrorists that I'm not giving up without a fight. Stand tall, brave terriers.

I'm not sure what the hell these things are but they're advertised all over the concourses. A hot dog in sauerkraut? Hopefully it's a hot dog in Crisco. If that's the best thing that's happened to a hot dog, I'll take on Paris Hilton rawdog Valtrex be damned...Please God don't let me be wrong.

After working our way back to the box and realizing that I was the only dark person in the building who didn't work there except for the flaming guy in a white suit who had the Neopolitan Mastiff, the dog-off began. It quickly became apparent that there would be no feats of strength or jousting.

Here's a sampling of the working and terrier group dogs seen along with the announcers description and my interpretation where necessary. Clearly I didn't get drunk fast enough.

Anatolian Shepard Dog #10 - Someone booed the dog. Who boos a dog?

Black Russian Terrier #16 - " Great companion when trained but not right for first time owner". Typical commie.

Bullmastiff #22 - "Tame mastiff with ferocious bulldog" I'll say. Davey Boy was a beast especially when tagged up with the Dynamite Kid.

German Pinscher - Primarily a guard dog. Nazi.

Great Pyrenees #11 - The royal dogs for Louis XIV. "Loyal, dignified." Apparently I don't know what dignity is. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve sniffing other people's asses and eating my own shit.

Kuvaszok #7: At one point they guarded royalty but were demoted to guarding liverstock. "Fears nothing, bulky without being lethargic" Sounds like my dick...or the way I wish it was. Wait did I just say or think that?

Neopolitan Mastiff #9 - "Estate guard dog of Italy." So that means it's easily paid off for doing nothing. What you look at? Ciao!

Portutguese Water Dog #34 - "Requires owner of equal stamina to pl...." This is bullshit. I refuse to accept there's an animal called a Portuguese Water Dog.

Dandie Dinmont Terrier #5 - The name says it all. Super, thanks for asking!

Lakeland Terrier #8 - "Gay little dog." Show me one here that isn't.

Norfolk Terrier #12 - From parts unknown. Like Mr. X. Nice.

There was a break between the Working and Terrier groups that gave me time to seriously consider throwing myself from the skybox or off the 59th Street Bridge. Fortunately they thought it would be time for an inspirational speech from Rob Leibowitz, VP of Marketing for Pedigree. "It's great to celebrate the best pure bred dogs but while we're here, let's remember the less fortunate, the ones in shelters." I could only assume the less fortunate were the mixed breed dogs in cages. I was at a fucking Nazi rally. How could you, Leibowitz? It didn't stop there. "Pedigree doesn't accept homeless dogs." I can only assume they cook and use them to feed the pure breeds who they hope will soon take over.

Rob's rally speech was followed by a MONTAGE on the Jumbotron dedicated to a fallen trainer. Annie was a hero like a 9/11 responder. There was a hilarious moment during an imposed moment of silence. The whole arena darkened and went quiet....except for a tv in a nearby box that was blasting this week's episode of 24. "Beep, beep, the following takes place between..." Oh now I'm the asshole because I laughed at Annie's tribute.

Ewoks! "If they start singing that Ewok song, I'll start punching myself in the nuts until I pass out. Oh they're just terriers. Damn I already started." Luckily the girlfriend had enough and we were able to get out of there before sitting through any more groups. As we left the box, an arena worker passed and just stared me down with a look of disgust which I deserved. Someone asked me to clean up a spill in another skybox. I did it because it was the only way I could redeem myself and hide my shame.