Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that. Didn't expect you to be waiting here after all this time. Let's do this.

Dominus Ominus. Run That Donerkabob!


First the Kurds and now the crosses. It seems like everyone's against Turkey these days. Good thing people like the military and Fenerbahce are there to stand up for all the little Ataturkamanics out there.

A Turkish lawyer is demanding that UEFA rescind the three points Inter Milan took from Fenerbahce during the Champions League group stage because...Inter were wearing jerseys displaying a large red cross.

The shirt's scheme saw a big red cross on a white background, a symbol of the city of Milan, and reminded many of an emblem of the order of the Templars, which is considered offensive in Islamic culture.

Inter consciously did not wear their 'centenary shirt' in their first match against Fenerbahce in Istanbul, but at home, they did not think it was necessary to do the same.

Basis Kaska, a European law expert, filed the official protest after the Turkish media and viewers raised a ruckus.

Inter has worn the centenary jersey on several occasions. They decided not to wear the shirt in Istanbul because it would be insulting but thought it wouldn't be in Milan? Interesting. Mi scusi!


Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves

Steven Gerrard. Liverpool. Dirty thieving Scousers. Home burglary.

Football365 put it best. Stereotypes makes things easy.

Come on down, $tevie Me! You're the next Liverpool player to get jacked! Steven Gerrard is the sixth Liverpool player to be robbed while away on international or Champions League duty.

Gerrard's WAG, Alex Curran was in the house along with another woman when they were confronted by burglars in hoods. The robbers made off with jewlery.

At this point, Ladbrokes should be taking wagers on the next Liverpool player to be jacked. It might be a little harder for thieves since England's staying home during the international breaks. If the thieves are Liverpool fans (if...hah!), they'd rob the worst performing players to make them step their game up.


Where In The World Is Ray Lewis


There's no way Ray Lewis could have taken Sunday night's blowout loss to the Colts well. I know I was in a stabby mood by halftime. I mean how is it possible to score that many points in one quarter?? I digress.

If Ray Ray's like me except with means, he would have gone to Rome to blow off some stea.....Wait it looks like he did. How do I know?

Five Manchester United fans were taken to hospital tonight and two Britons arrested following trouble ahead of the Champions League tie with Roma at the Stadio Olimpico. Manchester-based police initially confirmed they had received reports of three supporters being stabbed but the number requiring medical assistance rose even though there was nowhere near the same scale of violence that scarred the last meeting between the two teams in April. The precise extent of the injuries sustained in the trouble has not been verified.

That's how I know.

United ended up drawing 1-1 with Roma. They're through to the knockout stages while Rangers shamed Scotland by losing 3-0 to Lyon in a must-win match.


And Who Would That Be, Tommy? Ze Austrians?


Not if the Austrians have anything to do with it.

You'd think Austria would be all excited and shit about hosting Euro 2008 especially since the English and their cultured, respectful fans won't be in attendance. However this isn't the case.

They do want to co-host the tournament with Switzerland. They'd just prefer it if their national team didn't participate. As a matter of fact, they'd like the people to make sure it doesn't happen by signing a petiton which states the following:

Dear football fans!

Your entering this site is no coincidence.
It means you care about attractive football.
It means you appreciate a blind pass that actually reaches its destination.
It means you thoroughly enjoy amazing dribbling skills.
It means you jump for joy when a free kick is expertly bent into the far corner of the goal.
In short: it means you love this great sport for the sheer beauty of it.

However, it also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watchimg a match featuring the Austrian national football team.
For all those displays of true skill, on a field taken by our team, occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts.
This cannot be blamed on anyone.

Even though we have spent twenty years buying ageing stars, even though wealthy patrons supply one of our clubs with several times their usual budgets only to be rewarded with a fraction of their success of lore, even though twenty-six-year-olds who barely stumble through their second match playing for foreign second-league clubs are discovered as incredibly promising new talents and immediately ordered into the national team – nothing so far has helped.

It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in the EURO 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. We understand.

By signing this Petitionyou urge the Austrian Football Association (Österreichischer Fußballbund; OEFB) to voluntarily resign from participating in the EURO 2008.
Austria was once a country with a keen sense for aesthetics. „...a people gifted for beauty“, as a verse of our national anthem states – an anthem our players barely manage to stammer along to, as they palefacedly contemplate yet another grueling encounter with the ball and the opponent.

We want to show the world that we still embrace beauty. And at the same time, we want to do something that is as alien to our people as the names of our strikers are to foreign football experts: To show some dignity!

It's hard to argue with that.

Thanks to RH for the tip.


Sex Shrek

Memories...

60% of the time, it works every time? Please, we're talking 80% here.

Step aside, Sex Panther. Wayne Rooney has a new scent that's going to be illegal in 13.5 countries. It's called Sex Shrek. It's too much for just cologne. It's going to be the signature scent in a new line of toiletries being launched by Rooney. The line will also include a shower gel and deodorant.

It's expected the line will be a success. A focus group of 300 over-50 hookers was used and 80% can't be wrong.