Kieron Dyer's Roaster

Greetings! Glory be to the famous CFC. This post will be the first in a weekly series bringing you biased news and unsubstantiated rumors from the world of soccer. For those of you not in the know, here's an article describing roasting along with its connection to Dyer. Just set it and forget it like Ronco, girl! Anyway, let's get to it.

Barcodes Sign The Gooch

Rejoice America. No longer will the world fear our military (outside of Iraq) and mock our stars as they make asses of themselves in leagues abroad or in international competition. Dyer's team Newcastle United has signed Oguchi Onyewu a.k.a. The Gooch on loan from Standard Liege of Belgium.

There's no way he won't convince manager Glen Roeder to make the deal permanent. He'll be playing alongside or for Titus Bramble who could possibly be the worst defender in the history of the universe.

The Gooch was one of the few bright spots for the US during the World Cup and he was previously linked with Chelsea, Manchester United (manUre) and Marseille. He joins other Americans doin' their thing in the Premiership such as Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard and Jay DeMerit. Make us proud and leave Arnold alone, Gooch. Feel free to kick the shit out of that red-headed stepchild Sam or Paul Dickov.

A sidenote for all you DC area peoples. Gooch is from Olney, MD so maybe he'll come back and play for DC United when he winds his international career.

Rafa Buys More Mantonios

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is on the verge of making three signings before the close of the transfer window later today. To everyone's surprise, all three players are from Spanish-speaking countries. It's rumored that he bought them for their flowing locks, lack of consistency and appreciation of Rioja.

Javier Mascherano has been cleared by FIFA to sign and play for Liverpool so expect to see him stealing hubcaps and radios in the next few days.

Primadonovan Still Sucks

The recent transfers of Josh Wolff (1860 Munich) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) to Europe reinforce the fact that Landon Donovan is still a bitch and has no business being US captain let alone playing for the US. The Deuce bets he can't wait until Becks shows up in LA so he can finally learn how to wear a sari.

The transfer window closes today so the Deuce will provide updates if anyone worth talking about makes a move.