Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Comrade Kim Jong Il Defies Revisionism: On the Idiotarod

It's only the second day of the blog and we already have a special guest. It's our Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il who was kind enough to pass along a special message for America through fellow Comrades Grippy and Moneyshot.

I would like to express my great pleasure at being invited with my esteemed nuclear scientists to the 4th annual New York Idiotarod. It has been our long-cherished hope to visit America and see with our own eyes the corruption of the capitalist dogs so that we may continue to avoid their evils. Also to pick up a shipping container of Remy Martin and a few redheads for the Pleasure Squad.

My Taepodong scared your pathetic leader into giving us the top most Secret Service protection

I am told by my comrades that this Idiotarod is modeled after a venerated Alaskan sled-dog race, in which competitors brave brutal conditions, starvation and injury in a desperate battle for survival. Like winter in Pyongyang, yes? Also, did I mention that our Taepodong missiles can reach your Alaska if we can ever get the pieces of shit to work? Please excuse me while I execute one of my technicians in a fit of pique. Why is everybody so fucking stupid? Do they have any idea how fucking busy I am???

Still fresh in my memory of the race is the diabolical creativity displayed by our nemeses in their costume construction and sabotage tactics. However, as is the case with all true revolutionaries, we had the overwhelming force of our superior morality – and sweet, fragrant fish oil – on our side. I rejoice in our glorious victory over the imperialist aggressors of the US military (“G.I. Blow”), by a successful deployment of our biological weapons in such a manner as to cause vomiting in one of their squad. No, really, he hurled. That’s what you get for crossing the 38th parallel. Mind the DMZ bitches!

And despite the loss of our magnificent flag to a roving band of capitalist – how do you say, douchebags?

and our artistic propaganda to a tray of coleslaw,

we remain confident that evidence of our triumph will linger on in the minds and noses of our enemies. The organizers of the race saw it fit to promulgate their lies and attempt denial of our victory, but rest assured, Comrades: It is an honor whether to live or die on the road of revolution!

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