That's A Three Minute Personal

Ah the good old days of middle and high school lacrosse. I remember going to pick out equipment at Lax World in Kenilworth Plaza like it was yesterday. Trying on new helmets. Trying on gloves and putting them through the paces by holding a stick, trying a few moves and "gloving" the stock boy. I miss the good old days.

Players at Dublin Coffman High School in Dublin, OH are very familiar with the persuasive and quite effective gloving technique. Ex-assistant coaches Greg Simpson and Dustin Pentz were charged with rape for an incident during a team trip in 2006.

Simpson allegedly held a player down while Pentz "inserted his gloved fingers into the athlete's rectum".

According to the players' statements, Greg Simpson told them that he had "invented" the glove and Pentz said that "he was a changed man after ... he had been gloved."

A lawsuit alleges that "Pentz, 26, and Greg Simpson, 28, participated in "glove" assaults as students at Dublin Scioto High School during the 1990s".

... Both [former head coach] Brian and [former volunteer coach] Frank Simpson testified that they did not know about the reported assault until school officials told them three weeks later.

But an 18-year-old who was on the team told police that Brian Simpson referred to the incident hours after it is said to have occurred. He said Simpson warned him that the student who said he had been assaulted would get "the glove again" if he did not return to his hotel room at curfew.

A 17-year-old teammate said he heard Pentz tell Brian Simpson, "Hey, B, I got three fingers in him" immediately after the incident.

Brian Simpson was acquitted of witness intimidation earlier this year while his father Frank Simpson, a volunteer coach, was "found guilty of the same charge for pressuring the player to recant his sexual-assault claim during a meeting with the team".

Oh it gets better.

And the day or evening after the incident, the players, including the one Pentz is accused of raping, broke into the coaches' hotel room and threatened to "glove" Pentz, according to the witness statements.

"There was a posse of the players that showed up with face paint and a glove of their own," Pentz's attorney, Karl Schneider said. "That's a bizarre response."

According to the statements, the players opened the coaches' hotel room with a key, but Greg Simpson blocked them from entering.

Did we mention that Greg Simpson is Brian Simpson's brother? Now that's one for all and all for one. Five personal fouls in one game means ejection. You gotta give one for each finger and the guilty conviction so they're playing with fire.

If Marvin Lewis wants to put an end to the Bengals' criminal ways, he might do himself a favor by dropping the claims of a c-o-n-spiracy and listening to the Simpsons.


*Pictured above: STX G-Force Glove. The choice of glovers worldwide.

**Congratulations to Johns Hopkins for beating Duke in the NCAA Men's Lacrosse National Championship Game and maintaining Bawlmer's honor as the capital of lacrosse.