Shawn Kemp And Travis Henry Have Nothing On Gabriel Agbonlahor

Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel "Gabby" Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa's first game of the season. That's good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That's bad.

See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It's long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.


Here's where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn't let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.

Stay with us. It's about to get "stupider". #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn't ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn't having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3's baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.

Congratulations if you're still with this and you're aren't drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn't figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they're all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It's Shawn Kemp's world and you're about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.