Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The soccer roundup returns after a lengthy summer vacation which was well deserved.

What Are You Lookin' At?

Perennial delinquent and Liverpool (sorry that was redundant) winger Jermaine Pennant loves to get his swerve on. So much so that he spent a month in jail due to drunk driving charges in 2005. When arrested, he gave his name to the police as Ashley Cole.

Pennant was also cautioned after a row with his girlfriend as well as arrested in July of this year for a public order offense. Liverpool manager Rafa "Vagina Face" Benitez warned him that he was on his last chance and he would tolerate no more trouble. He managed to stay on the right side of the law until this past weekend.

Pennant got shitfaced and involved in a fight on Saturday night. Here's an eyewitness account.

"Jermaine was absolutely leathered. He could barely stand and was slurring his words. His eyes were a mess ... I spoke to him briefly in the club and he was swearing and slagging people off, but he was laughing. I left the club at about 2.30am and walked past the takeaway, and as I went by it kicked off. There was lots of pushing and shoving and swearing, and Jermaine was in the middle of it. He was trying to calm things down and was saying, ‘Calm down, calm down’ — but he was too drunk and fell over. His mate, who I think was also a footballer, was arrested and a WPC put him in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground. His attitude stank and he wasn’t keen on being arrested."

Pennant has been playing well but it'll be interesting to see whether Rafa comes down on him. He's probably a hero to all Liverpudlians.

Hulk Says Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go

This Tevez/Mascherano saga will never end. Their troubles in England seem to have worked themselves out but now they're in bigger trouble in Brazil. Both players are under investigation for tax evasion and if found guilty, they could each get up to five years in prison.

The alleged crimes took place while both were playing for Corinthians. Of course, MSI head Kia Joorabchian is involved. One Brazilian paper claims that two former Corinthians players arranged to receive part of their salaries outside of Brazil in order to avoid taxes.

This should be a clear lesson to all clubs that they should never do business with Joorabchian or MSI. West Ham should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he never bought the club. They'd probably be in League Two if his bid had been successful.

Fergie Attacked By Midget?

Sorry, wrong Fergie. We were all hoping it was that over-50 skank from the Black Eyed Peas but we're talking about Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. A man was arrested after attacking Ferguson in a London train station on Monday.

The attacker ran up on SAF and began kicking him in the shins. He reported the attack to the police who subsequently made an arrest.

Police had no response to the allegation that the attacker was Arsene Wenger wearing a wig and a Robbie Savage mask.