The Harder They Come

He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, Jake Plummer is there. Jake Plumm-er! A real American hero.

After years of blowing holes in Mike Shanahan's coaching reputation like a M18 Claymore, The Snake has thrown in the towel and retired from the NFL.

First, I want to thank my family and close friends for their loyal support all these fun-filled, roller-coaster years, Plummer said. Second, I owe all of my greatest achievements in football to the men who stood by my side as my teammates and coaches. Football has been awesome to me in many ways. I leave the game with my health and happiness, and look forward to the future; I've got many rivers to cross.

Wandering I am lost. What are his greatest achievements in football? I really wish someone would fill me in because I'm at a complete loss.

Selfish fuck. How dare he rob Tampa of such powerful facial hair?

He never gives up. He's always there. Fighting for freedom over land and air.

"Yes, that's it," Marilyn Plummer, Jake's mother, told The Denver Post when asked Friday if her son had retired. "I thought this would happen from the moment the season ended. He needs a break, but I foresee him doing something else. He's a lot like Pat Tillman. Pat would do something unexpected. Jake used to say, 'I wonder what Pat would have done next.' Jake is a lot like Pat. He has that same rebel soul."

Yes, that's it. Pat Tillman rebelled to go fight al-Qaeda while The Snake rebelled because he didn't want to go to Tampa. It's a shit city but at least it's warm and the strip clubs are on point. Mama Snake would probably call Eric Crouch a rebel.

I bet The Snake's planning to oil himself up and drop into Darfur like Rambo to single-handedly kill President Bashir and every member of the Janjaweed. That's what Pat Tillman would have done next if his own guys didn't kill him and cover it up. Then again he quoted Jimmy Cliff so that means he's probably dressing up like Dude Love, snapping hits from the bong and gassing up the VW van to drive to Burning Man and Bonnaroo.