Ah we meant to get the Democrats the day after we did the Republicans but a BBQ coma from Hill Country slowed me down like Mark Foley on eHarmony.com. Zing. In the meantime, several candidates on both sides have dropped out which makes part of what we were going to do moot. We'll do the most of the field from before the Iowa caucus anyway.So if you remember Wonkette reported that WWE wrestler Kane endorsed Ron Paul for President. That got us wondering who the candidates would get to endorse them from the world of sports. You can find the Republicans here.
Dennis Kucinich - Spud Webb/Mugsey BoguesThere's a reason Tom Cruise demands small co-stars and elevator shoes. He doesn't want anyone else to steal the spotlight from him. The same goes for a political endorsement. Dennis Kucinich needs the endorsement of someone with similar stature. Spud Webb and Mugsey Bogues match up rather well. Webb and Bogues were able to overcome their height disadvantages to succeed in the NBA. Kucinich...well he didn't pull a MLK and overcome in the election but he definitely married out of his league so he's got that and only that going for him which is nice.
Bill Richardson - Isiah ThomasBill Richardson, Isiah Thomas and success go together like peanuts and gum. It's not clear how they continue to get so many chances when they fuck up as often as they do. No one understands fucking up golden opportunities like Isiah. He destroyed the CBA, failed with a solid Pacers team and made the Knicks an international laughingstock. The UN thinks they're beyond help and they're in Lebanon and Kosovo.
Bill's also a notorious assgrabber. If there's one thing Isiah's good at, it's grab ass. Just ask Anucha.
By the way, this should be his campaign song.
Joseph Biden - Ozzie GuillenTalk about two people who most will agree actually have experience that doesn't include being married to someone with experience. They would probably get much further in life if they knew when to shut the fuck up.
Hillary Clinton - Brenda WarnerConspiracy theorist? Check. Neurotic? Check. Sense of Entitlement? Check. All Hillary needs is a more butch haircut, a tacky blouse and she's good to go.
Hillary's panic attack campaigning over the past weeks reminds one of her conspiracy theory protestations during the Clinton I reign. If Bill played for the Skins, it would be easy to see her call up Sportstalk 980 to bitch out the Sports Reporters for calling out her man.
It's also rumored that Pokey Chatman is leaning her way but that's another story.
John Edwards - Scott BorasForget the stump speeches about poverty and his daddy working in some sort of mill. John Edwards will say whatever he has to win although he's an amateur compared to Mitt Romney who would probably sell his wife to an Albanian human trafficker if it meant New Hampshire.
While he was a trial lawyer, he had no hesitation about using his deceased son in a closing argument. He and his wife Elizabeth refer to his "electability. Read: I'm not black or a woman. He also has no time for gays.
Scott Boras will do anything for a buck including lie to his clients. They're a match made in heaven.
Barack Obama - Howard Cosell's Ghost/Jim BrownNo one supported a black frontrunner like Howard Cosell. Just ask Muhammad Ali. "Look at that little monkey run! For president!" Then again he might want to keep Cosell's ghost under wrap. He needs that African-American vote in South Carolina and Rev. Jesse's already stuck up for Edwards.
Obama needs to go for someone with undeniable street cred. Enter Jim Brown. He played lacrosse and football. He was in the Dirty Dozen and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. He's got mass appeal. He even did one of the first interracial love scenes with Raquel Welch in 100 Rifles and got all Shawn Kempish with Michael Jackson's girlfriend from the Thriller video. Let's not even forget The Running Man.
Brown is the man that said "Make sure when anyone tackles you he remembers how much it hurts." Those are words to live and run by.
Chris Dodd - Eh.....
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