Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we gave you a roundup and frankly we don't care if you care. That's a lie. We want to love us like a fat kid loves cake.

Let's Be Havin' Ya

Norwich director and majority shareholder Delia Smith has decided to take a back seat in club affairs. She's handing control of the club over to Andrew and Sharon Turner.

Hopefully this means she'll have more time to hype up the club like Flavor Flav.



Don't change, babygirl.


Why Don't I Shit On My Hand And Slap Myself While I'm At It


Why even bother having an award ceremony or contest? Why don't American "soccer journalists" personally deliver the award to Landon Donovan's house and hand it to him as they blow him?

Landycakes won the Honda Soccer Player of the Year Award for the fourth time. Yeah you read that right unless you're Dexter Manley or Jason Kidd. He beat out Everton keeper Tim Howard and Fulham defender Carlos Bocanegra.

"I was a bit nervous driving in," Donovan said. "It's still exciting. It's human nature I think to be excited."

Go fuck yourself. You knew there was no contest.

Howard and Bocanegra put Landycakes to shame. They didn't bitch out of Europe and run back to the US with their tail between their legs. They fought their way into starting positions with their teams. Not only do they play in more competitive leagues, they're better players at their respective positions. Let's not even mention Brian McBride (Fulham), DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) among others including others in the MLS who bring it every night as opposed to showing up for the Gold Cup and knocking in a couple penalties.

This is a slap in the face to American soccer and another reason why the game struggles for legitimacy. Instead of celebrating the players who bust their asses and actually make meaningful contributions as well as show up EVERY day, the American soccer illuminati can't wait to bend over for Landycakes.

I can't wait until he wins it again next year and acts surprised.

"E. Honda, keep humming on my balls. I love that shit."


William Gallas Is Still A Bitch

So what's new? Nothing.


Expect Errors and System Crashes In Seattle


Former Microsoft exec and Portland Jail Blazers owner Paul Allen has signed on to the Seattle MLS expansion team bid.

The Seattle group includes Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer and movie-studio executive Joe Roth, but the inclusion of the world's 19th-richest man, according to Forbes Magazine, was confirmed by Allen's First and Goal and Vulcan Sports and Entertainment groups Friday.

Allen has been interested in soccer for a while and was rumored to have been interested in buying English Championship side Southampton.

Seattle is rumored to be in the lead for one of the two planned expansion teams but no announcements have been made yet.


Oh Lawdy, Somebody Help Us

It looks like Chelsea manager Avram Grant may be sticking around a little longer than expected. Fuck.

I've been saying that owner Roman Abramovich needs to speak to the fans and explain his long-term vision for the club. Fans, including myself, are still a bit jittery over the loss of the Special One. It turns out he has been speaking to fans on the DL.

Haaretz reports that Abramovich sought out Chelsea supporters after Chelsea's Champions League win in Valencia last week. He sent lackey Eugene Tenenbaum to round up fans and bring them to a bar to have drinks with the owner.

The small group of supporters were told it was time for Mourinho to go because the arrogant Portuguese manager had started to believe he was bigger than the club. And Abramovich told them they must trust Grant.

"I love Jose and will always love him because of what he did for Chelsea - but nobody is bigger than the club," Abramovich reportedly told the fans. "I understand that you are upset he has gone but things had not been right for some while and the time was right for a change.

"I want you to trust me that Avram is the right man and he is a permanent appointment. There will be more additions to the coaching squad but Avram is here to stay."

While the fans lucky enough to drink for free were happy to hang with Roman, none of them were convinced about the longevity of Grant.

"I don't know if any of us were convinced that Avram Grant is going to be anything other than a stop-gap manager, but I think we left the hotel thinking that at least Roman cares what we think and is still totally committed to the club. "He speaks better English than he lets on and I don't understand why he doesn't front up in the media."

I knew he could speak the English. Shady Russian oligarchs.

While the media and other football supporters may have doubted Roman's love for the game and dedication to Chelsea, most Chelsea fans know he isn't going anywhere unless polonium has something to say about it. The only question is whether he's going to run the club into the ground or rebound with a long-term plan for success.

Let's not even mention the addition of an Israeli marine who's also a krav maga and demolition expert as fitness instructor. Let Robbie Savage or Paul Dickov start some shit now. It's on like Donkey Kong.