There's Nothing Better Than Man Love

Jon Gruden better keep his feelings to himself. T.O.'s gonna start talking about Jeff Garcia again. Then again why hide true love? Coach Gruden loves him some Jeff Garcia.

"I love Garcia," Gruden said recently. "I like what he's doing a lot. I just think he's got some traits we haven't had around here - his mobility, his experience."

"I just like good quarterbacks, like everybody else in this league. Guys that can make plays a number of ways, whether it be through experience, seeing a look, not running the ball into a corner blitz, making a change at the line of scrimmage. A guy who can create with his legs. I like a guy that works the pocket and can throw the ball in congested areas and be accurate. A leader. A consistent performer."

Men and women always say that men don't know what they want out of a relationship. If this isn't specific enough, there's no hope and assclown hacks like Dr. Phil are going be in business for a long time.

Put on some Luther, fellas. Fat Luther if available. You've gone this long without finding true love. Take your time and cherish every moment. You've earned it.

Love may be in the air in the City of Tampa but alas, all is not well. While Garcia and Gruden stop to love (STOP!), spleen-less Chris Simms is a dead man walking. There's no way he's seeing the field again. He's like the stiff who comes home early from work to find his wife fucking the guy in the clown suit. "Bitch, I gave you my spleen and this is how you fucking repay me??"

"Garcia is a guy we coveted. We made no secret about that the last few years. He's in great shape, he's doing a good job and I don't want to jinx him. He still has a long way to go, but we do like his progress, and we think he's got a nice future here."

Wonder if Gruden or anyone else in the Amish administration told Chris Simms about the collective hard-on for Garcia.

Jebediah Glazer: Malcolm, someone should tell the boy we no longer want to churn butter in his backside. A boy without a spleen is no longer suitable for such customs.

Malcolm Glazer: Sigh. 'Tis true, Jebediah. We must let him down lightly. We can only look forward now. I have sent for the ratboy they call Rio Ferdinand so that he may initiate the Rumspringa in the Garcia boy.

Somewhere Shawn King is laughing while jockeying cars in Adams Morgan and eating bags of pork rinds.