Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a minute since we've done a soccer roundup. In the spirit of laziness and lack of motivation to come up with something original, we bring it back like BKs and jheri curls. Randy Watson forever.

Honeymoon Over For The Special One?
The regular season hasn't even started and already Jose Mourinho is catching some heat physically and in print. What the hell have they done to him? Popped collar? Tikka tinge? He probably rides a lime green Vespa with a lime green helmet to and from the San Siro saying "Ciao!" to people as he rides by. Where's the Jose of old?


There no need for him to become the Italiguese Terry Venebles.

Jose's appearance isn't the only thing under the heat lamp. He's also catching heat from the Italian press for tearing Juventus and former Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri a new one the size of the Holland Tunnel.

The Inter coach slammed his Juventus rival by implying he had a loser's mentality and was "nearly 70 years old" - Ranieri turns 57 in October.

You'll either find that funny or have the same reaction as the Italian press who are acting like someone's mother was molested. Comments ranged from "arrogant, offensive and in poor taste" (which isn't too far off) to "hideous". Stefano Agretesti of Corriere dello Sport was shocked that such comments would be made in Italy. Apparently he is unfamiliar with his buffoon of a prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who he and his fellow countrymen keep putting back in power.

Keep it up , Jose.


Lalas Doesn't Have The Skills To Pay The Bills

Everyone's catching fire in this version of the Roundup. It does feel a bit wrong to tee off on the guy that bought me beers at the Cathedral but we can't let sauce interfere with our integrity. It's all we have. Seriously, it is and we don't have very much. Buy our shit. It's hot.

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas's days could be numbered if reports are correct. The Los Angeles Daily News details the continuing woes of the Galaxy and the increased pressure on Lalas. It seems as though he will end up being the fall guy for the team's capitulations.

The team atmosphere is "poisonous". Lalas and manager Ruud Guillit don't get along. Guillt and Landycakes don't get along. Beckham's crew increasingly has more say in what happens in Carson. Nick Green asserts that it was Beckham's people that hired Guillit, not Lalas. AEG exec Tim Lieweke told all parties involved to get their shit together or risk getting the chop.

To his credit, Lalas knows the writing is on the wall. One thing working in his favor is that Guillit blows up every situation he has stumbled into from Chelsea to Newcastle to the Dutch National Team. No reason why LA should be any different. Lalas has been a management failure everywhere he has worked. They should be failure buddies.

Lalas seems to be more mouth and publicity hound than a GM who knows how to create a successful product on the pitch. It would be unfair to rip him without giving him some credit. When he was GM of the Metrostars (now Red Bulls), he and other team execs came to speak to fans in order to find out what we thought was necessary to make the team better. It's rare that the management of any professional team would take time out to hole up in a bar to find out what the fans think. Maybe he should stay away from personnel decisions and focus on team outreach and fan development.


Napoli Fan Prefers Cash Over Inter's Empire Of Dirt


This is a new one. A Napoli fan successfully sued Inter Milan for existential damages after being subjected to "offensive banners and chants" during a match at the San Siro last season.

Inter have been ordered to pay €1,500 to the fan, who has chosen to remain anonymous, after their supporters showed banners at the San Siro calling Naples the "sewer of Italy". Other banners read: "Ciao cholera sufferers" and "Neapolitans have got tuberculosis" in reference to a crisis in which the streets of the southern Italian city became deluged with rotting refuse for several months following a dispute involving Camorra-run waste disposal service companies, landfill sites and the government.

Never mind the fact that there are actually huge piles of garbage all over Naples. The fan maintained that he was "indignant and deeply hurt". I fail to see how the condition of his existence was affected by these banners and chants. Any dread or alienation he feels probably comes from the shit show going on in Naples right now. Transcend, bitch.