If there is one thing I hate about myself...
Well actually there are at least four, possibly five, but right now the biggest one is that I have to be lumped in with the drooling, quivering mass that is Philadelphia sports fans. That this is due to nothing more than a cruel twist of fate (i.e. I grew up in Philadelphia) is one of a number of ironies that most of the OTHER members of this august body practically swim in, for a vast majority of cases unbeknownst to them I am sure.
Take, for example, Mister James Calvin Rollins. You know him!
He's that guy who you used to call simply "MVP" until he had the temerity to say something you didn't like. Honestly, the unmitigated gall of the man! To call you, in so many words, fair-weather fans.
Guess what, assbags? He's right.
All Jimmy Rollins did was point out the irony-cum-stupidity of a fanbase that demands constant, unending perfection to twelve decimal places from players in a sport where being successful four times out of ten is an lofty, Gisele-Bundchen-sunning-topless-on-your-backyard-deck unattainable wet dream.
One day you're chanting "MVP!" and the next when he mentions that, hey, this shit is REALLY FUCKING HARD and would it kill you guys to kinda maybe not be such gigantic dicks all the time? You're booing him.
You wonder why players here say things like this? Do you really?
You had Allen Iverson, a five-foot-nothing hundred-and-nothing scrawny little dynamo flinging himself bodily at giants twice his size and getting the absolute everloving shit kicked out of himself on a nightly basis for your entertainment, and you ran him out of town on a rail. You have, in Donovan McNabb, AT WORST the third- or fourth-best quarterback in football and the most athletically-talented human being to play ANYTHING in this city in a generation, and some of you actually think the Eagles should dump his ass and start AJ Feeley. AY-FUCKING-JAY FEELEY! There's a world where AJ Feeley is better than McNabb, and its most famous denizen's catchphrase is "Me am Superman!"
You know why we haven't had a championship in 25 years? Because WE DON'T FUCKING DESERVE ONE! Karma, bitches. Wait for the wheel, as my old gramma used to say. You get what you give. No, wait, sorry, that's the New Radicals.
That and, I dunno, some stupid shit about a hat on a statue.
The important, knowing is half the battle lesson in all of this is that you dickwads should be nicer to J-Roll, because in a couple years when the Phillies ownership (quite possibly the only group of bigger dickwads than Philadelphia sports fans) remembers that they don't actually give a flying fuck and trade Rollins for fifty bucks and a pallet of Country Time Pink Lemonade mix (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PINK LEMON!), you're gonna be crying in your beers when he wins a World Series someplace else.
At least that will be the first time that happened...
Ah, shit...
Ah, SHIT!
Okay, fine, at least Donovan McNabb will hopefully only win three Super Bowls when we trade him to Da Bears next year.
(If someone could Photoshop me a picture of D-Mac in a Bears uniform, yeah, that'd hit the spot.)
Oh, and, er, hello. Good to be here.
3 comments:
Your an Idiot! you dont call out the philly fans ever. Yaeh were really frontrunners 1 world series in 132 years. You my friend are the assbag
You gotta at least admit that Rollins is absolutely sucking donkey balls this year.
He is, agreed. But I'm not sure a slumping year means we should tar and feather the guy. How well was Pat Burrell playing two years ago?
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