Acting A Fool Can Drive A Frenchman Crazy

Sensitive thugs, y'all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender's team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn't have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a "complete 360". Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

"Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates," the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn't work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering "serious psychological problems". Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we're being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It's not his fault. It's in the blood.

The Matador Picks The SEC

The SEC is the strongest conference overall winning the last three national championship games with a combined score of 103-52. For those not aware, the SEC is broken up into two divisions, the East and the West. At the end of the regular season, the division champs play in the conference championship game and the winner gets an automatic BCS bid to represent the SEC and it looks like Florida is on the way again.

SEC EAST
It seems almost certain the Florida Gators will win the SEC East with their very weak schedule. The only game that may pose a problem is the road game at LSU where they've recently struggled. Even if the Gators blow that game, they are still going to win the SEC East. No other team can compete with Florida in the East. The Gators return their entire starting defense and Tebow is back for his final season. For all you Bulldog lovers, without Moreno and Stafford, Georgia will be looking up all season long and their thin secondary is going to be exposed on opening day. They are going to be in the L column quickly as they have to face a very strong Oklahoma State team on the road (OSU may have the strongest offensive trio in Zac Robinson, Dez Bryant and Kendall Hunter). Tennessee has a new coach who just fired up the Gators with his most recent rants over recruiting. The Vols have an untested QB and are weak at the O line. It's not even worth my breath to talk about South Carolina, Vandy or Kentucky.

SEC WEST
The SEC West is a bit more unpredictable but with The Matador's crystal ball, the clouds are clearing. You have three teams that can legitimately win the SEC West--LSU, Alabama and Ole Miss. Most are favoring LSU. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because of their strength at running back, but who knows. LSU will lose key games because they lost key players at the D line and O line positions. Jefferson, their QB, is still suspect at best but he did have a strong Chick-fil-A Bowl, showing signs of potential and stability. Alabama is going to have a sick defense which rivals the Gators. My concern is their offensive production. I don't see them scoring enough points to keep up with their SEC rivals. We will learn a lot about Bama on September 5th, when they face VaTech in Atlanta. Either way, the team is not strong enough to be on top. In the end, my team out of the West who will be standing strong is Ole Miss. They are bringing back all their play makers on offense including my Heisman hopeful long shot Jevan Snead. This team will score a lot of points with McCluster and Hodge catching the ball and Bolden anchoring the backfield--and most importantly they don't have to face the revengeful Gators in the regular season. I recognize they don't have a lot of depth on the O line and their defense needs improvement, but their offense should take them all the way to the promised land.


The SEC champs: Florida Gators win by trouncing Ole Miss.

Most exciting team to watch: Auburn. They have a new coach in Chiznik, a very difficult schedule, questions at QB, untested players, but one heck of a defense. They won't win the West but they sure will make it entertaining.

Next Up: The Big 10

How About Some Tuesday Sacrilege?

Sure, it is not sports related but you should watch this. Well, you shouldnt watch if you're easily offended and in any way a religious person but if you aren't easily offended, then enjoy this wonderful re-cut of Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ movie trailer...the Passion of Zombie Jesus!!



Who doesn't enjoy a little sacrilege with their morning cup o' joe?

Skate Around Like A Roman Emperor

In the beginning there were roller-skates, and they were good. Then came roller-blades, and they were good. Now, there are Chariot Skates...and they are fucking awesome.

These skates use extra large wheels to cross the line between a skating and cycling experience...and I can't even explain it properly at all. I have no clue how these things work, but they are fantastic. Check their website out right here and check out the skates in action below.





From Chariot Skates

Ultimate Warrior on Michael Jackson...Too Soon?

Former WWE superstar Ultimate Warrior delivered a fine eulogy to Michael Jackson on Friday and I just thought you, our good readers, would love to hear what he had to say. Don't shoot the messenger.

Jacko. Finally, he beat it.

I imagine all the crying about the death of this recent drug-soused entertainment freak has most to do with the unfortunate inconvenience that the other drug-soused entertainment freaks now face. They will have to look for another local, safe and reputable babysitter. No longer will they be able to drop their kids off down the street at Jacko’s to be watched for the afternoon and spend some play time with his own kids.

I hate the paparazzi, and think they should all be shot for the obsessive invasion of privacy. But I’m really going miss ALL those TMZ and Entertainment Tonight video clips of Jacko’s and other celebrity kids playing together. You ever see any of those? Weren’t they great? Didn’t they make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside? Worked for me. Every time I caught one it made me believe maybe he wasn’t a pedophile. After all, famous and rich entertainers, with all kinds of money to go to any expense to have things accurately checked out for themselves, wouldn’t let their own little babies near a pedophile…would they?!

Well, you gotta give him credit for one thing. He spent all his money (and then some) before he died. And that’s not an easy thing to calculate. Go ahead, ask your financial planner if he has a plan to pull it off. For all the horrific mismanagement of millions and millions and millions of dollars, here at the end, Jacko did a pretty damn good job at balancing the books in his favor. Sorry, at my new age and with the way the Obama economic plan is going, I couldn’t help but recognize this stunner.

Your Founding Father of Intense Sarcasm…

Always Believe, Warrior

Sensitive guy huh? Was that too soon?

From Warrior's Machete

USA Came Close and I Actually Cared

I'm not generally much for the soccer or futbol or football or footy or whatever you wanna call it. I usually leave that up to Mustafa to cover up here on the Deuce. A funny thing did happen while watching USA actually compete and ultimately lose to Brazil 3-2 in the championship game of the Confederation Cup however...I watched.

And i didnt just watch when we got into the 2nd round and beyond, I actually watched us lose the first couple games. Not sure why either. Maybe i was just bored, working from home and in desperate need of something interesting on the television. Well, i did indeed find interesting television, great drama even, and it made me keep watching, even when USA was losing. I watched and for the first time saw what the rest of the world sees when it watches soccer...that it is actually a pretty enjoyable sport to watch.

No offense to the MLS, but, it just isnt as interesting. The players arent as good, plain and simple. Brazil and Spain were all-star teams, USA as well to a much lesser degree, but they competed and showed that USA soccer might just be beginning to turn a curve in international soccer. USA can now show up with the best of the world and, at the very least, compete for 90 minutes...and sometimes even win.

This is what USA Soccer needs to do if it wants people like me, the non soccer fan, to watch their games. I didnt grow up playing soccer, it wasn't on tv when I was a kid, we had crappy indoor scocer as our local "pro" teams that came and left quicker than swine flu, so it has taken me quite a bit to warm up to thinking that soccer is a real sport that I would think about watching. 2 things were needed for me to really care about the game: 1) Have a team to care about; and 2) have that team be interesting to watch.

Sure, I could watch the DC United play, they would be my local team by default, but the quality of play in the MLS is so much lesser than, say, the Premiership, that it's like watching the XFL...and we all remember how much that stunk. I could watch Premiership soccer like Mustafa, but I've never been to England and could give 2 shits about what is going on in that country's soccer leagues. In reality, I just want to watch good, American soccer, because I am a gigantic homer. Now, I actually can...sorta...at least in international play. I cannot wait until the World Cup games.

So, congratulations to the USA Soccer team. They did more than just not embarrass themselves and they bought themselves many new fans of soccer. Its ok that they didn't win, they were interesting. They competed and they did so with energy and passion. For that, I thank them. They were a joy to watch.

(AP Photo/Martin Meissner)

The Matador's 2009 Heisman Watch

Today is your lucky day! The Matador has his Heisman sleeper picks for you so get your money ready.

Now if you don't recall, last year's Heisman race was an anomaly in that Tim Tebow actually received the most first place votes, yet finished third in the overall ballot behind McCoy and Bradford respectively. If the voting took place after the BCS Championship game, there is no doubt in my mind Tim Tebow would have won after taking down the mighty Sooners, but unfortunately that's not how the award is won. So with that in mind, The Matador is ready to unleash his favorites for the 2009 Heisman Trophy.

Below are probably your favorites, but The Matador doesn't like them and thinks they are bad bets with little to no value:

1) Tim Tebow (QB, Florida) -- Tebow is the favorite, but the voters and Archie Griffin don't want a player to win this award twice. It's clear that Urban Meyer's game plan is to make his workhorses drive 80 yards down the field, then run the one yard QB keeper so the maharajah Tebow can get his coveted stats. Percy Harvin's numbers should have been so much greater last year but the coach drew up all the red zone plays for Tebow. However, in the eyes of the public, Tebow is a saint and therefore he should be favored entering the season.

2) McCoy (QB, Texas) / Bradford (QB, Oklahoma) -- These two are toss ups. Both were highly valued during the regular season, but as soon as they played teams with real defenses, their numbers plummeted. The voters will remember this when casting their vote. McCoy did throw for 414 yards in the Fiesta Bowl, but that was off of 58 attempts (abnormally high). With those numbers, he still only managed to throw for 2 TDs and had an INT against a stronger Buckeyes' defense. In the BCS Championship game, Bradford threw for a paltry 256 yards off of 41 attempts with 2 TDs and 2 INTs. This is not the sign of a Heisman winner. If anything, Florida's defense, who all return, should have collectively won the Heisman for shutting down the Big 12's so-called elite offense and the SEC all season long. The Sooners scored an average of 55.8 points against Big 12 teams throughout the 2008 regular season, but only 14 against Florida's dominating defense.

Instead, here are The Matador's Top 3 Heisman candidates you may want to invest in:

1. Jahvid Best (RB, Cal) -- Best is hands down the best running back in the Pac-10 and maybe in all of college football. He will put up monstrous numbers against some of the terrible Pac-10 defenses. If Cal can win some games and upset USC, this RB will be posing with the Heisman trophy come December.

2. Daryll Clark (QB, Penn State) not Terrelle Pryor (QB, OSU) -- Clark will lead the Nittany Lions to its second consecutive Big Ten title. There is so much hype with Pryor and Ohio State winning the Big Ten, but frankly he shouldn't be on your watch list. Pryor hasn't individually proven anything and he had terrible games when it counted against Penn State and Texas (in the Fiesta Bowl, Pryor was shut out with no passing TDs and was held to 5 completions for a total of 66 yards). As a true freshman, Pryor played well but not up to the Heisman hype to be on your watch list. Clark, on the other hand, had an amazing debut as PSU's starting QB, won the Big Ten, and in the Rose Bowl threw for 273 yards, had 2 passing TDs and one rushing TD against what some people said was the best USC defense in school history. I only see improvement with this guy. If he goes 12-0 or 11-1, step aside Tim Tebow so Clark can claim his much deserved trophy.

3. DeMarco Murray (RB, Oklahoma) -- Murray is coming off an injury and the Sooners really -- let me emphasize this -- REALLY missed him in the BCS Championship Game. Murray will be a force to reckon with and will put up another 1000 yards easily this season. If he stays on his feet and out of the hospital, at the end of the season he can rest his sore hamstring on the Heisman trophy.

The dark horses: Jevan Snead (QB, Ole Miss), Zac Robinson (QB, Okla. State), Evan Royster (RB, Penn State), Jonathan Dwyer (RB, Ga. Tech).


If you are wondering why I did not pick any wide receivers, it's because wide receivers just don't win the Heisman. The last to do so was Desmond Howard in 1991. Look at the receiving core last year, none of them even came close. Eight out of the last ten Heismans went to QBs and the way the trend is going, that's not going to change. SO DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY. DO NOT PLACE ANY FUTURE ACTION ON ANY WIDE RECEIVER!!!!!

Next Up--The Matador will announce his Conference Championship predictions. First up, the SEC.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Pool Jump Fail

Nothing more need be said

Minorities To Become Minority Owners in Miami

Someone needs to tell the Miami Dolphins they're doing it wrong. Majority owner Stephen Ross should probably spend less time worrying about the halftime entertainment. He named the stadium after Jimmy Buffett's Land Shark beer and now Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio are coming aboard as minority owners. Why they gotta get all racialist? Why can't they just be owners? Damn that's messed up.

Both parties refuse to confirm the rumor but a major announcement will be made at LandShark Stadium this Thursday. Ross and the Estefans will be in attendance. Gloria was in Nashville on Monday recording a new version of "Are You Ready For Some Football" with Hank Williams Jr. to be used this season on Monday Night Football.

Why stop with Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans? Think of the possibilities. Gloria likes to count to four and so does Pitbull. He'll keep the rowdy fan(s) in check (1:05). Spaulding would want a little something for the negroes too.** Bring Trick Daddy and Uncle Luke on board. They've worked together (NSFW language) in the past. Trick's a regular guest on Dan LeBatard's local radio show and Luke runs Miami Hurricane football so they both have professional sports cred. Throw in Flo-Rida and oh hot damn, the Dolphins have themselves one hell of an owners group. It's not going to be Bill Parcells' jam when he has to hit Flo-Rida up for money to buy another mediocre receiver. "Fine. I can do that, playa. But first put on these Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. I wanna see them moobs bounce! Hit the floor! Shawty, get low low low low! Now throw them hands up in the ayer! Ayer!" A tear will run down Parcells' cheek like that Indian on the side of the road. It's funny because it could happen.

**That's a reference to a line in Caddyshack so don't start. Talk to Spaulding, Judge Smails or someone else who doesn't care that you didn't get it.

Luckiest Basketball Shot Ever

I dunno how many attempts this kid had at this shot, but the fact this kid made even one of them is one hell of a mind fuck. The chances he'll do anything this fantastic ever again in his life are about nil. The purpose of the picture above? None...except that it is awesome.

The Matador

I'm Don "The Matador" Everest. You've seen me on TV, read my books, and heard about my success on the likes of Oprah. I have won more money betting on sports than Bush has put our country in debt. I did it with smart plays and UPSETS using my superior analysis and studying with the best in the business. Everyone says you cant win at sports betting, WRONG! I've been picking 75% spread winners since the age of 12, taking gumballs and baseball cards from my next door neighbors. They don't call me "The Matador" for nothing--as the word suggests, I'm the bullfighter who will kill the bull.

I certainly may be new to the Deuce, but I'm not new to the world of sports betting. I've teamed up with the Deuce to provide readers with my select pick of the week. The sport of choice is........College Football. You are going to get one game each week. I'll post hours if not days before kick-off. I will keep detailed records of my picks so you will know how I am doing throughout the season. In the meantime, I'm studying my teams, coaches, weather patterns, and individual players. Shortly, I will release my Heisman prediction, National Champs, and Conference Champs. I just want you to remember, if you put your faith in me, this will be a journey that you will never forget.

Disclaimer:
This is meant for entertainment purposes, everything you just read is not true. Neither The Matador nor anyone associated with the Deuce accepts any responsibility whatsoever for any loss that may be sustained as a result of the use (or misuse) of The Matador's posts, irrespective of how that loss might be sustained. The Matador or the Deuce does not guarantee winnings and cannot be held liable for losses resulting from the use of information obtained from here.
Warning:
Wagering can be very risky and users should only speculate with money that they can comfortably afford to lose or your significant other doesn't know about and should ensure that the risks involved are fully understood, seeking advice if necessary. If you have a problem or you know a buddy who has a gambling problem, please seek help and/or call 1-800-GAMBLER.

The Front Fell Off: When Ecological Disasters Get Funny

This video isn't sports related unless lighting oil spills on fire is your game. Our intrepid reporter begs the helicopter pilot for permission to have a smoke while filming an 80,000 ton crude oil spill. Let's just say that hilarity ensues. It continues when the minister of shipping tries to explain "what had happened" on a talk show. Warning: some NSFW language.




via Fark and Root Cause Analysis Blog

Silvio Berlusconi Loves It When You Call Him Papi

"Go and wait for me in the big bed." Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's 72 year old corrupt clown of a prime minister and owner of AC Milan is quickly becoming one of our favorite people to follow. Berlusconi (or Papi as the hoes call him) is under fire for flying models and prostitutes in from all over Italy and throwing parties at his house. He's also in trouble for taking an 18 year old girl to school in the biblical sense. He calls himself her "little daddy teacher". Does his limo turn into a gelato truck at 2:30 PM or whenever Italian kids get out of school? That's worse than robbing the cradle. That's robbing the uterus.

Oh, By The Way, We Tweet Now

Yes, we're on twitter now, finally, SO COME FOLLOW US. Now that our personal lives have settled down a bit, Mustafa and I, Chimpanzee Rage, are getting back into the flow of things and twittering. You can follow me @chimpanzeerage and Mustafa can be found @mredonkulous. Don't make us have to resort to contests and such to get you linked up to us.

World Sauna Endurance Championships

Yes...you really can turn anything into a competition. Check the video of this hot mess, you'll see all the rules and what it takes for you to become the next sauna champion. Hot. You see what I did there? That is some subtle comedy. REAL subtle.

Not Sure If I Understand The Jamison Trade Rumors

So, according to Draft Express.com the latest on the Jamison to the Cavs rumor that will never die is this: Antawn Jamison, Mike James and maybe the 5th pick in this years draft to the Cavs for Ben Wallace (retiring) and Sasha Pavlovic (non-guaranteed contract).

So, the Wizards dump one starter (a man that the owner highly respects and just re-signed to a 50 million dollar deal last season), one possible 6th man or starter (the 5th pick in the draft) and a bench player all for salary relief the Wizards don't necessarily want since the owner said he didn't care if he went over the salary cap the next season.

If you don't believe this rumor has no basis in any real fact, check out this awesome post by Mike Prada over at Bullets Forever, "6 Reasons Why The Wizards Aren't Looking To Cut Salary...".

Just a silly rumor to get page hits really, I'm not even sure why I even linked to that crap. Maybe i'll just make up some randomness to get more people to visit the Deuce.

Toe Wrestling Championship!

Yes, I know you've eagerly been awaiting this year's Toe Wrestling championships, so the Deuce is here to supply you with your podophilic fix. The winners of this year's event are Lisa "Twinkle Toes" Shenton for the women and Alan "Nasty" Nash, the 6 time champion (who managed to win with an undisclosed broken foot in 2000) for the men. Take a gander at the video...it is a foot fetishist's dream.




Via CNN

Your Day At The Office Was Better Than Jon Obi Mikel's

Ah the good old urine free days.

Do I come to your job and throw bottles of urine at you? I do if I'm a Nigerian soccer fan and your name is Jon Obi Mikel. The Chelsea midfielder got more than he bargained for when he watched the Eagles take on Kenya in a World Cup qualifier from the comfort of a VIP box.

Mikel and Everton defender Joseph Yobo missed two European friendlies after claiming they weren't able to get visas to play in France and Ireland. Nigerian fans didn't buy their flimsy excuses and showed their disapproval by throwing plastic bottles of urine at Mikel during the Kenya match. Yobo sat next to Mikel but there are no reports of him being hit by the piss missiles.

This Old WWF Video Is Pure Gold

Mustafa has found a treasure of 80s WWF nostalgia all wrapped up in one awesome music video package. Its "If You Only Knew" the classic "We Are The World" of the World Wrestling Federation. Yes click the video below and you will be able to see Hulk Hogan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Koko B. Ware, Jimmy Hart (who, by the way, has a tremendous voice) and more all belting out a tune detailing how they are going to kick your ass...if you only knew.

New Shirt: This Team Sucks!

We at the Deuce are fans of some pretty horrible teams. Personally, I am a fan of the Wizards who finished 2nd to worst and the Nationals who are on pace for their 2nd season as the worst team in the majors. So its only fitting that I make a shirt that shows my displeasure...and now you can as well. Choose your size, choose your color and show your dismay at the product on the field by proudly proclaiming that "THIS TEAM SUCKS"!

Buy the shirt by clicking here or by clicking the t-shirt above. Also available in women's sizes here. You can see all the (old) shirts we have in the store by clicking the link on the top left side of the screen or right here.

Then That Rourke Pu**y Had To Come And Ruin It All

I'll tell you somethin'. I hate the fuckin' movies. Make one decent movie and all of a sudden you think you're an expert on rock and wrestling. There's not much worse than an actor who thinks that playing a role makes him capable of doing the same thing in real ... well, fake life. Shortly after coming back from the dead, Mickey Rourke took on Chris Jericho during Wrestlemania in April. Great Muta in the morning. What the hell is happening to wrestling? The Junkyard Dog would roll over in his grave if he saw the state of the sport today. Unfortunately he won't roll because he's dead.

Thank Gwar for saving wrestling from the likes of Rourke. Frontman Oderus Urungus is stepping into the squared circle to take on Tracy Smothers in West Virginia on June 24.

In a statement to rock news website Blabbermouth.net, the rocker says, "I have no idea how I got roped into this one. I guess someone is making money off it.

"I will be there with bells on, and this Tracy Smothers so-and-so is going to find out just what it's like to go toe-to-toe with an intergalactic god! I just hope he shaves his armpits first."

Whooo! When Smothers gets a taste of Urungus' Meat Sandwich finishing move, he'll finally know what it's like to get rocked to sleep. All respect due to the Honky Tonk Man and the Shake Rattle and Roll.



Picture: Brooklyn Vegan

New Sport: Air Sex World Championship

Yea, you've heard of air guitar competitions, now there is one for air sex. The Air Sex Championships to be exact. Instead of just pretending to wank it on a guitar to some lame prog rock band, you can now pretend to just wank it...period. Although you do need a soundtrack. This came to DC last week and apparently it was a hit.

The rules to this contest are simple: You have 2 minutes to do a sex routine in the air, which can include any and all portions of a sexual encounter, done to music and the best one wins. Props, teams and vocalizations are allowed but the organizers want to make sure you know that all climaxes MUST BE SIMULATED and not for reals. You hear that Lil John? You just go ahead and skeet skeet skeet your way outta here!

You want a video of this? Of course you do.



For those of you on the west coast that want to see this madness, you still have some time to check em out.

From AirSexWorldChampionships via Brightest Young Things

Who Knew The San Diego Chicken Is 55 Years Old?

I sure didn't know that, but after 35 years of being the only one who plays the role of the San Diego Chicken, 55 year old Ted Giannoulas is thinking of hanging up the suit.

Pretty impressive doing that for 35 years and you have to admire him for sticking around that long, but, i would stick around that long too if you knew what I know. What I know is that in making around 50 appearances outside of San Diego this summer, Giannoulas will probably rake in "six figures" for his trouble.

Yes, that is at least $100,000. At least $100,000 for being a dancing chicken??? Where the hell did I go wrong in my career choices?? Where the hell did you, the reader, go wrong? Granted it is hot as hell in those suits during the summer, but I would gladly exchange doing that for some soul-sucking desk job.

I think I need to get a fucked up chimpanzee outfit and some PCP and get my real life Chimpanzee Rage going on here.

For all about the Chicken read on here at Amarillo.com

I'm Merrill Hoge And I'm Here To Roast ... Beef And Mashed Potatoes

Jeff Fisher is hosting a benefit roast on June 15. Concussion specialists Merrill Hoge and Frank Wycheck are among the expected guests who will roast the Titans head coach. Oh sweet baby, this could turn out great.

Hoge will probably start out roasting Fisher before quickly segueing into ordering a Moons Over My Hammy and "General Toe's" chicken before turning his full attention to Vince Young and ranting about how he could be the worst player in the history of any sport with a ball. Wycheck will fly into roid rage and threaten to body slam everyone in the room before tearing up and admitting that the steroids made him less of a man than Jose Canseco or Chastity Bono. He'll order a #56 with extra MSG. Nom nom nom. Vince Young will just take off his shirt and cry while gnawing chicken wings. An enchanted evening for charity indeed.

Jeff Fisher Will Help Charity [The Tenneessean]

That Wasn't Part Of The Deal

If you spend money on something, you expect to get exactly what you paid for. Anything extra is a bonus. This is a post about a bonus Real Madrid doesn't need or want. The thought of Cristiano Ronaldo hooking up with Paris Hilton should send the Real hierarchy into panic mode. It's unlikely the club counted on getting a case of the herp along with the opportunity to negotiate terms with the FIFA Player of the year when they paid $130 million to Manchester United.

TMZ reports that Ronaldo met the queen of chickenheads up in the club and ended up accompanying her to her sister Nicky's house. That physical better include a trip to the free clinic. The idea of him playing at his best during an outbreak is laughable. He whines and dives when he's healthy so one can only imagine how he'd act when "under the weather". He's no Mike Tyson. The former champ won a title belt while ignoring a case of gonarrhea. That's just wanting to be the best. Ronaldo and his agent might want to consider including a supply of Valtrex when negotiating his $500,000 a week salary.

Corporate Douchebaggery At Its Finest

Picture: Things That Matter

John Daly Is Promoting Sports Drinks?

Yes, this guy is promoting a beverage that is supposed to be associated with fitness. John Daly's PGA Tour suspension will end in a week and he's already got a sponsor for his grand return to the tour. All Sport sports drink has signed on to sponsor big John in his latest comeback.

"We are very excited to team up with John Daly," said Jack Pok, Senior Vice President of Marketing for Big Red, Inc. "John's long list of achievements throughout his career and his recent success in Europe has proven he is committed to his fans. His performance on the golf course is a perfect fit for both All Sport and Big Red brands."

Wow, what are his long lists of achievements they are speaking of? The fact that his liver is still ticking despite rampant alcoholism? The achievement of not having both his knees broken due to his degenerate gambling? Most mortal men could not have lived through either more than likely, so yes, they are impressive.

In all seriousness though, the guy has won 2 majors in his career, the last being over a decade ago. and has a total of 5 wins on the tour in his career, the last being 5 years ago. I'm not even sure what recent success in Europe they're talking about, the last tournament he won there was in 2001. Oh wait, he finished 2nd in some random tournament in Italy. Right. Those accomplishments are greater than, say, anything I've done on the golf course, but in the golfing world...um, washed up much?

I guess he will need a those energy drinks to rehydrate after downing all the cigarettes and diet cokes he kills during tournaments. I mean, they take a toll on a guy.

From a press release

Lance Armstrong Somehow Had a Kid

This guy doesnt let testicular cancer stop him from doing anything, not even having a kid. Somehow Armstrong beat the odds that he could have a kid after ball cancer and after wearing those super constricting biking shorts all the time. This guy must have the super sperm. So Max Armstrong was born on June 4th, 2009...and from the looks of things, he's already sticking his tongue out at the french.

Atta boy. USA! USA!

From Lance's Twitter

Bad Soccer Celebration: Headbutt Cheer

These soccer guys...can't even do a celebration right.

Madison Square Garden is one step closer to finally being able to host MMA events.

Randy Johnson Aint The Only One Who Can Hit Birds

They can do it over in England as well. This video is a week old, but we've been gone from blogging for a bit, so suck it. Check out cricketer Jacques Rudolph as he nails a bird throwing the ball back in during a match between Yorkshire and Lancashire. Poor little birdy...poor little dead birdy. At least he has the courtesy to take it off the field himself. Stand up guys those cricket players.

Its still not as impressive as RJ's though. Congrats on getting #300 against my Nats, by the way Randy. We now have given up Bonds biggest homer and Randy Johnson's biggest win. I wonder what else the Nationals can do for other teams? Here's Randy's bird shot just for posterity's sake.

Dwight Howard Blocks A Lot Of Shots

Can someone think of a better nickname for Dwight Howard than "Superman"? Didn't Shaq have that once? Its tattooed on his arm? He was Steel in a movie, thats a superman spin off sorta. Somethin like Sir Blocks-A-Lot or The Bard of Blocks or The Poster Maker or something anything besides Superman.

Anyway, watch D-Howard block a bunch of shots in the 09 playoffs. Kid is good. Too bad the Magic lost last night to the Lakers.

The Dumbest Sport You've Never Heard Of

First, there was chessboxing. A bit dodgy as a sport but it does have the benefit of being considered a mystery by the Wu-Tang Clan. If chessboxing is a mystery, XARM fighting must be a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered with stupid.



MMA fighting and arm wrestling together at last just like peanuts and gum. Was there any demand for this? It's like they're tied together and trying to guido fist pump each other to a pulp at the beginning. This must be a regular weekend on the Jersey shore. Just remove shirts. Add hair product and WKTU. Instant douchebaggery.

It's bad enough when prostitute-loving Cristiano Ronaldo is dating your sister. It's even worse when pictures like these are splashed across the English papers. This is Juliano Belletti's new world.


Have a great summer, Juliano!

The Mother Of All Sucker Punches?

This video is amost 10 years old but it's new to us. This could be dirtier than Tyson biting Holyfield's ear. James "The Harlem Hammer" Butler lost by unanimous decision to Richard "The Alien" Grant in a 2001 fight. Butler had his gloves removed after the fight and approached Grant to supposedly offer some congratulatory love. The Alien got a little more than he expected. 



Grant was knocked out and received a broken jaw. Unfortunately for Butler, the police decided to listen to the announcer. They arrested and charged him with aggravated assault. He eventually moved up to murder. In 2006, he pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter and arson in the death of Sam Kellerman, the brother of boxing analyst Max Kellerman. He was sentenced to 30 years in prison. Did we mention that the boxing match was a charity event for 9/11 victims? Stay classy, Hammer.

Tony Dungy Doesn't Think Much Of The Gays And Jay Cutler

Everyone knows Tony Dungy's take on gay marriage. The gays aren't qualified for marriage let alone equal rights in his opinion. That's what "the Lord says" and he's "on the Lord's side". He also doesn't think that new Bears quarterback Jay Culter is mature or good enough to justify the amount of hype he's getting in Chicago. 

"[The Bears] took a risk [trading for Cutler]. I think they took a risk specifically with beating the Green Bay Packers in mind," Dungy said Wednesday. "[They] I really think Chicago gave up a lot to get a quarterback who they believe is going to be the final piece of the puzzle. But I am not sure he has won enough to merit that yet."

...Quarterbacking is so much about leadership and so much about doing things under pressure. There is going to be a lot of pressure on him. ... We'll see about his maturity level. That's what I would question. And some of the things that happened leading to him leaving Denver ... that would concern me as a head coach. He can make all of the throws, but quarterbacking is much more than just making throws"

Does this mean the Lord is against Jay Cutler or that he isn't on the Lord's side? What does this mean for Lovie and the Bears this coming season? Who else is on the enemies list? Hines Ward? Tony Romo? That red-headed stepchild on Diff'rent Strokes? Maroon 5? Oh wait, that's my enemies list. Um, forget you just read that.

A man in his 70s is running around Ashland, Oregon in the nude and he's making little girls cry. Hilarious and legal unless you run through downtown Ashland.

Mike Tyson Wanted To Do Some Skullduggery On Brad Pitt

The Deuce took a trip to the movies to see Tyson last night. We'll come right out and say it. One of the best documentary releases this year. Don't forget the Mike Tyson you think you know but be prepared to see a Mike Tyson you don't know. His honesty is riveting and disturbing. The film is sad, insightful and unintentionally hilarious at times. It's a must see for any boxing fan. 

When it came to eating opponents' children or taking their hearts, it was never personal for Tyson. He kept it professional unless you gave the stink finger to one of his exes. If you did, you might have gotten dealt with. Brad Pitt almost found out the hard way. Too bad director James Toback never touched this topic in the film.

Tyson wanted to kill Pitt after he learned that the actor was making nice with his ex-wife Robin Givens. He called Pitt to tell him to back off. That warning was followed by a threat to have him "knocked off" if he didn't comply. Richard Singer, a former friend of Tyson's, also claimed that the former champ hired a hitman but decided he'd rather do it himself. Kill fail. That worked out just as well as his fight against Kevin McBride.

Tyson should have invited Pitt into the ring where he could have channeled his desire to punch through his opponent's head and "end out the back of his head". Hell, he beat Trevor Berbick for the title while in the midst of an untreated case of gonrrhea which he got "from a prostitute or filthy woman". Tyler Durden should consider himself a lucky man and you should see Tyson for more quality lines such as those.

God Bless You, Jason Miller. You Are Living My Fantasy

When the Deuce comes back, the Deuce comes back strong. None of this half-ass Mase comeback business. We're not going to short change our reader(s) until next week at the earliest.

First on the menu, ring entrances. Forget Prince Naseem Hamed. His JV ring entrances were nothing compared to the All-Pro stylings of MMA fighter Jason "Mayhem" Miller. Techno. Dancing. Japanese schoolgirls. Simply put, he may have the best ring entrance ever. The announcer would probably agree.



The 28 year old "crazy monkey" hosts Bully Beatdown on MTV when he's not fighting and "putting the eww in ju-jitsu". The show with the slogan "You bring us your bullies and we'll beat 'em up"challenges bullies to fight professional fighters. The bully has the chance to win $10,000 if he wins the fight. If he loses, the person he picked on gets the $10,000. 

Not impressed? He got a lotta mo'. Mayhem claims to have been a backup dancer for New Kids on the Block when he was 11. He refers to his fans as Mayhem Monkeys and numbers the monkeys. The red stripe in his hair is known as the Strip of Doom because it "gives laser like focus when a mayhem monkey needs it". He's got the Deuce's respect. If he doesn't have yours yet, he'll just take it.