Its Ok, I Know You're Upset

No, despite all appearances, Deuce of Davenport is still an active and fully functioning blog. This is just our annual end of the year break. You see, our day jobs require us to bill a certain amount of hours every year. Some years we make the hours early, most we don't and have to scramble. With the holidays and the end of the year billing requirements, yes, the blog suffers.

Fret not though, we'll be back and business will be as usual in the coming new year. 2010...year the Deuce blows up!

Chimp's NFL Week 15 Pick Em

Real quick now:

Green Bay at PITTSBURGH -3

MIAMI +5 at Tennessee

New England at BUFFALO +7

ARIZONA -14 at Detroit

San Francisco at PHILADELPHIA -9

ATLANTA +5.5 at NY Jets

CHICAGO +10.5 at Baltimore

Cleveland at KANSAS CITY -1 (LOCK OF THE WEEK)

Houston at ST. LOUIS +14

CINCINNATI +7 at San Diego (UPSET SPECIAL)

Oakland at DENVER -14

Tampa Bay at SEATTLE -6.5

Minnesota at CAROLINA +9

NEW YORK GIANTS -1 at Washington

These Seem Safe

Saw this while reading the always great Cheap Seats Daily by Dave McKenna and I just had to post it here. Carpet slides? Lets take the fun of sliding on a hardwood floor and do it on carpets too! Holy hell. How in the world did these things make it to market? How many things can go wrong here? Rug burn, sprained ankles, broken legs and i'm sure something like this

If these can be on the market, might as well bring jarts back. I want my lawn darts!

Soccer Not Allowed!

Wut?

Olympic Weightlifter Lifts Weight, Drops Baby

 Elizabeth Poblete is a 22 year old Olympic weighlighter from Chilie. She is one strong woman, she can definitely lift more weight than you can that's for sure as you can see above.  Unfortunately for Poblete, she might not be the smartest person because she apparently forgot she had sex 9 months ago and she apparently forgot to use any birth control and she apparently forgot she was supposed to have a period.  She apparently didn't notice any of the signs of a pregnancy at all because while she was lifting weights the other day in Brazil, training for the Olympics...she gave birth to a baby boy.  Whoops!  Her bad!


Talk about a tailor made case for that TLC show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". Yes, this is an actual show.  This is apparently such a common occurrence that there are enough women out there to fill an entire season's worth of episodes.   Well now they have a good start to season 2.  Just for fun...watch these clueless women tell their stories of how they had no idea a being was growing inside them.



From Guardian UK

Chimp's NFL Week 14 Pick Em

Another week, another pick em.  I must admit, its getting a little old doing the pick ems.  This week, time ran short on me and I am putting them up late.  Thats the horrible thing about working a day job and having blogging be your night gig.  If you actually go to sleep at a reasonable time of night, you don't get much blogging done.  So, basically, blame me having to meet my hours requirement for the year on not posting.  Nevertheless, I would be remiss if I missed a week's worth of picks.

Last week, I went 6-8, a truly disappointing number for sure.  Also went winless on the Upset Special and Lock of the Week.  Not good for my overall stats, which now stand at 98-82-2, 7-6 on the Locks and 5-8 on the Upsets.  Pretty horrible really, you could probably do just as well picking from a coin toss.  Which, the last week, I will do because everyone pretty much knows who is in and out of the playoffs, teams are resting starters ands basically a crapshoot as to who will win.

The picks this week are going to be just the picks, writing up a column takes too much time in front of a computer and after sitting in front of a computer all week making redactions on document after document...well I just need a little break from this fun little box.  Its not often I say that about fun boxes either.    Anyway, lets give you what you want, the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Olivia from the Seattle Seahawks. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER +7 at Indianapolis
CINCINNATI +6.5 at Minnesota
NY Jets at TAMPA BAY +3.5
Buffalo at KANSAS CITY +1
New Orleans at ATLANTA +10
Detroit at BALTIMORE -13.5
Miami at JACKSONVILLE -1
Carolina at NEW ENGLAND -13
SEATTLE +6.5 at Houston
Washington at OAKLAND +1
SAN DIEGO +3 at Dallas
Philadelphia at NY Giants UNDER 44
ARIZONA -3 at San Francisco

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK
ST. LOUIS +13 at Tennessee

LOCK OF THE WEEK
GREEN BAY -3.5 at Chicago

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Tiger Woods on eHarmony

Awesome video made by the good people and friends of the Deuce at Wondershot, Tiger and Elin in an eHarmony-esque commercial.  Great for a laugh.  Check it out.

Teddy Bear Apocalypse

Those poor bears...they never had a chance.

The Next Ovechkin

This kid has one amazing trick shot up his sleeve.  He is already a greater goal scorer at 9 years old than you will ever be in your entire life...and if you are a professional hockey player reading this, it even includes you.  This is just simply, the sickest hockey goal that I have ever seen...ever.  The best reaction to it is the goalie who is like "WTF do I do against this??"  Just awesome.  Watch.

In Honor Of Tonight's Ravens-Packers Game

Ryan Grant better watch his back.

The University Of Phoenix Has Nothing On Tim Tebow's School Of Life

What's that you say? You want us to mail it in and give you more video? Done and done. Our friends over at Wondershot passed along this video which takes some well-deserved shots at Tim Tebow.



I'd be down just for the Gator crocs and a chance to gets my circumcision on. If I don't get into Tebow, I'm on the wait list for LaGarrette Blount.

Random Video Of The Day

It's Friday. You may or may not have a job but you probably don't have shit to do except surf the internets for random videos until it's time to leave and start drinking. Let us handle that for you today.

Put Will Arnett and David Cross together in anything and we're down. This Channel 4 pilot called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret is nothing short of brilliant. Warning: NSFW language.



Shut your fucking talkhole! We'll get back to the sports when we're good and ready. Now where did I put that Thunder Muscle?

Chimp's NFL Week 13 Pick Em

Last week we went a lame 6-7-2, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week.  Of course, things could've changed if i was allowed to pick the 'Skins and and change my Patriots bet to New Orleans which I did later in my own personal action, but you gotta roll with what ya got, and what I've got is an overall record of 92-74 with 2 pushes.  My locks of the week are now 7-5 and my upset specials are 5-7.  Quite a mirror image there.  We know we can do better though and we strive for perfection this week, lucky 13.  Shall we get on to the picks?  As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Melissa from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Real Madrid Has A Genius Marketing Team

Real Madrid knows that sex sells, so the team has decided to start up its own futbol inspired lingerie line for men to enjoy.  Well i mean i guess women can enjoy it too, but c'mon, you add a submarine sammich in this picture and its about every man's wet dream staring right at you.  You want another picture?  You got it.

The underwear sets are pretty subtle though, its not like the Real Madrid branding is all over it in a gaudy fashion, no its subtle, delicate...smooth...supple...ahem.  God bless the soccer marketing geniuses.  If you want to pick up some of these suckers, you gotta wait until March tho.  Boo-hoo.

I hope the NFL, kings of marketing here in the US, take notice here.  Well, for that matter, lets hope all American professional sports look at this and copy it. This is how it should be done if you want to get your name plastered on the sexy naughty bits of women everywhere.  Lets hope they can make it happen.  Of course if it does happen here in the states, i guarantee you that the majority of the women everywhere who would actually wear this stuff...probably shouldnt be seen in it if you want to keep your eyes intact.

Like, for example, her...

Spoiler Alert: Roy Jones Jr. Gets Knocked Into Bolivian Down Under

Mike Tyson pulled a genius move for his last fight. He decided to get wrecked by a tomato can in the nation's capital. It is your right to lose. At least Roy Jones Jr. traveled to the other end of the earth to get beat down by a nobody. It's two days from now in Australia already.

"Damn, son! You got knocked the fuck out!"
"Man, you're living in the past. I'm on some other shit right now."

Jones traveled to Sydney to fight Australian Danny Green for some belt. It's supposedly called the IBO world cruiserweight title belt. It's probably made out of Aborigines and gold. I'm having a title fight for my belt in Vanuatu next month. The belt's composition shouldn't matter to Jones because he didn't make it out of the first round. See for yourself. It'll save you the trouble of watching Versus.



Jones should go back to rapping. He's no worse than most rappers from the South. He can fight Soulja Boy over who should be called Superman. He should win that fight.

Let's not be too hard on the former champ. He didn't make any excuses for his performance. However he has to feel terrible that he lost to a guy who came out to Down Under by Men At Work. That should signal the end of a career especially one as great as Jones'.

It looks like Jamal Lewis can get a jump start on that trucking business he wants to start with Nate Newton and Bam Morris. He's done playing football after suffering a season-ending concussion. Vince Young might want to stay off his radar if he doesn't want to get the Hoge treatment from him.

Ataturk Said There Would Be Days Like This

Commentators love to wax idiotically about American team rivalries as being among some of the most heated in the world. Assclowns like Woody Paige or Jay Mariotti always mention Red Sox-Yankees, Duke-Carolina, Ohio State-Michigan, etc. None of the matchups come close to generating the hate of Celtic-Rangers, Real Madrid-Barcelona or Galatasary-Fenerbahce.

The following is footage from Galatasary-Fenerbahce. You may not know of these two Turkish teams but their supporters are rowdy and dangerous enough to make English fans think twice about traveling to Turkey.



Now Fenerbahe knows how the Armenians felt back in the day. What? Too soon?

Hat tip to the player that decided to take the corner after his teammate bailed. At least he didn't have a pig's head thrown at him like Luis Figo. Then again it could have been a "Fuck that, send the black guy to take the kick" situation.

Game Days Is The Worst Days So We Drink Hennessy When We Thirsty

The Lakers better not go on a losing streak otherwise Ron Artest might go back to the Henny and skunk with a bit of Brand Nubian-style beatin' down punks on the side. The drama and quote machine is back in the spotlight after an interview which will appear in the Sporting News magazine on December 7th. All topics were covered from St. John's to the infamous fight at the Palace.

The interview also touched on Artest's partying ways. It's a good thing Tiger decided that there was sex in the champagne room otherwise more people would have noticed Charlie Weis crying in a bathtub full of mac and cheese. They'd also be making noise about Artest's admission that he used to drink during halftime when he played for the Bulls.

"I used to drink Hennessy … at halftime," Artest says in the interview, which hits newsstands this week. "I (kept it) in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store (near the stadium) and get it."

Anyone who has been to the United Center knows there might as well be scalpers selling Hennessy and Courvoisier along with pints of Gordon's Gin outside the arena. Artest probably cashed his paychecks at the same place he bought the hen-rock.

Artest admitted that he partied every day and night while playing for St. John's. His drinking kept up when he reached the NBA.

"When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild. A lot of marijuana and alcohol—even before (that age). … I (still) party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night."

Who knew being a single pimp father was the key to getting your party on? Shawn Kemp and Jason Caffey must have stories for days. They sure have kids for months. If there's anyone that should be drinking every day, it's a New Jersey Net. At least it'll give him an excuse for sucking so much.

We didn't even get to the part of the interview where he discusses how he still wants to fight Ben Wallace. Oh, he's willing to get his suspension on again.

The Seahawks And Music Failed Long Before Super Bowl XL

Who can forget the Seattle Seahawks coming out to the Verve's Bittersweet Symphony at Super Bowl XL? You knew they were going to lose as soon as you heard the song. Who comes out to a song like that? They might as well have run out while Peabo Bryson blasted from the speakers. Yah Mo Be There, on the other hand, would have guaranteed victory.

The Seahawks and music fail go way back like BK's and jheri curls. Check this disaster by the 1985 Seahawks called Locker Room Rock. It's no Ram It but sweet baby jesus...



It's nice to see that Mike Tice is as good at dancing as he is at scalping Super Bowl tickets. Off-brand Michael Jackson was down but where was Steve Largent? He was probably out slaying non-believers with Jim Zorn.

Needless to say, the Seahawks didn't make the Super Bowl in 1985. The Super Bowl Shuffle came out on top while Locker Room Rock didn't even warrant a shameful bronze.

When Ramming It Goes Wrong

Rammie feels your pain. Sike.

Some things should be left to the Los Angeles Rams. Vince Ferragamo, losing, rocking LA, coming till they put them on their back, ramming it all day and all night, etc. The Derby County Rams should probably stick to not getting relegated.

Derby mascot Rammie the Ram was forced to send an apology to Reading's Brian Howard after mocking him while he was injured during a match on Saturday. Rammie thought Howard was faking an injury so he ran on the field and lay down while the physio attended to him. It turns out Howard had a broken jaw. D'oh.

Derby confirmed that Rammie sent a letter to Howard and Reading FC. Hopefully the page was blank except for a hoof print. I challenge you to show me a ram that can talk let alone write.

Mark Sanchez Channels His Inner Goo Goo Doll

Mark Sanchez doesn't know Rod Strickland so one has to assume that he learned how to eat a hot dog on the sidelines from Jamarcus Russell. The Jets were playing the Raiders and Russell has been known to tackle several Denny's Beer Barrel Busters while on the bench. One can only imagine what he's eating now that he's been permanently benched.

Sanchez is taking lessons in other areas as well. Yankees manager Joe Girardi stopped by the Jets training facility to talk to the team and give Sanchez sliding lessons.

"I’ve never really been a slider. In baseball, I slid head first. In football, I’ve done the same thing, or tried to get out of bounds or throw the ball away. It’s something that you need to learn at this level. Once you get the first down or as many yards as you need, just protect yourself and protect the ball and give yourself a chance to play."

That should take care of the interceptions and bad decisions. Jeff George would have been a better teacher. He could have shown Sanchez what diving, sorry sliding is about. It works best when you're in the pocket and have good protection. More room to dive.

Sanchez and coach Rex Ryan might need a more sensitive approach. Ryan probably cried while looking at Girardi's World Series gear. New York Magazine reported that Sanchez broke down while watching The Blind Side. Hopefully he doesn't do that every time he sees a lineman of Michael Oher's size bearing down on him. If Ryan was going to call in a baseball player, he should have looked to Bronson Arroyo. His sliding lessons would be more their speed.



Hold me closer, Tiny Trojan.

This Breesus Thing is Getting A Little Out of Control

KSK documented LSUFreek's Breesus pics a little while ago, strange yes, sacrilegious as well and it keeps going and going and going...

Antoine Walker Is A Man With A Plan

Our boy, 'Toine Walker finally got a plan together to pay back the various casinos that he owes over $770k because he failed to pay back a bunch of casino markers. With fines and restitution added, Walker has to pay up to the tune of just over $900,000. Ouch! That's gotta be tough for a man with no job. He must pony up about $13,000 a month minimum at first and if he ever gets a basketball gig in the NBA or Europe he must pay a minimum of just over $21,000 a month. Double ouch! To use Antoine's words:

"I’ve made some mistakes with some finances,

With the luck that Iverson has had finding a job this year, I'm sure that 'Toine will have no problem getting a job. Everyone wants a me first, shoot first, out of shape, 33 year old forward on their roster. Well, maybe not here, but Europe might be calling, I mean he averaged 8.5 ppg last year in the NBA, that is like at least 13ppg there in Europe easy.

He'd better get a job quick because the judge in this case, Melanie Andress-Tobiasson (right), apparently has no tolerance for any sort of shenanigans with his payments:

"I can tell you at the point he stops making payments, I will bind him up so fast it’ll make your head spin,"

Or, maybe she's just kinky like that?

From the Providence Journal

Keith Ballard Cares Not For Goalies Who Allow Goals On His Shift

BALLARD SMASH!!! Apparently that picture above is the result of Florida Panthers defenseman Keith Ballard venting his frustration after seeing his goalie give up a goal...by taking a swing at his goalie's facemask. Poor Tomas Vokoun didnt have a chance against Ballard's hockey stick that he whipped at Vokoun's face at like 100mph. Vokoun had to get carted off the ice on a stretcher after the blow you can view below.

Man, I'd hate to see what Ballard does when someone crosses him off the ice. Give Ballard the wrong change at Starbucks...that's a stabbing. DO YOUR JOB!!

Chimp's NFL Week 12 Pick Em

Last week we went an incredible 12-2, winning the locks and the upset specials of the week. Phenomenal week altogether, lets try to keep the momentum going this week. Overall, this puts Chimp's Picks at 86-67 on the season, a phenomenal 56% rate, the magic number, also 6-5 on the locks of the week and 5-6 on the upset specials. Lets quickly get onto the picks, sadly without any write-ups this week as I am at Mrs. Rage's parents house and she is glaring at me from the couch as we watch Elf on the USA network. Ahhh the holidays. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Jennifer from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at CINCINNATI -14

Chicago at MINNESOTA -11

Washington at PHILADELPHIA -3

MIAMI -3.5 at Buffalo

ARIZONA +3 at Tennessee

Seattle at ST. LOUIS +3

TAMPA BAY +11.5 at Atlanta

CAROLINA +3 at New York Jets

JACKSONVILLE +3.5 at San Francisco

Kansas City at SAN DIEGO -14

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

NEW ENGLAND +3 at New Orleans

LOCK OF THE WEEK

INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Houston

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp's NFL Week 12 Pick Em - Thanksgiving Day Edition

Not really a ton of time to get the picks out this week with the holiday festivities, but i'd be remiss to give you my picks for the day. Full recap of last week's action and the rest of the picks will be up Friday, but here's todays picks.

GREEN BAY -11.5 at Detroit

Detroit is decimated by injuries on offense, Green Bay's secondary is also beset by injuries, who will win? Well the Pack's offense should have no problem with Detroit's defense and the Lions offense should not be able to keep up. The Packers ruin the Lions Thanksgiving Day.

OAKLAND +13.5 at Dallas

Lets add this up, Tony Romo is hurting, Jason Witten is hurting, they havent played particularly well the last two games...I just dont see a dominating victory here by the Cowboys. Take the Raiders, they're always good to screw up a large spread.

New York Giants at DENVER +6

Giants are recovering from their recent 4 game slide while the Broncos are still in the midst of theirs. The Denver D is who we thought they were and the rest of the league is exposing it, Mike Nolan isnt looking like much of a genius now. The Giants offense should have no issues here, but for some reason I am liking the Broncos to keep this one close. No blowouts here, in Orton we trust.

Eric Wood's Theismann Moment

Eric Wood of the Buffalo Bills broke his leg in spectacular fashion in the 4th quarter of his team's game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. CBS didnt want to replay this, but since someone YouTube'd it, you can replay it all you want. At least until they take it down.

I can never turn away from these leg snapping moments. You know they are going to be gruesome, you know they are going to be graphic, you know his career might be over, and yet you watch. Gahhh...gross. Sucks for you Eric Wood, all the best for a speedy recovery kid.



From WIVB.com

Chimp's NFL Week 11 Pick Em

Last week we were a disappointing 7-8, although I should've been 8-7 since I would've picked Jacksonville had I known MJD was going to play, but that is the pitfalls in making your picks on Friday morning, so I'll stick with the 7-8. Although you know, and I know, what the real play was there. The lock of the week (5-5 on the year) failed but the upset special won (4-6 on the year) and we are now 74-65 for the year, 53% so far, which means we need to go on a run to hit the magic 56% number we all strive for. Hopefully this week will be better. Lets get on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Linda from the New York Jets. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at DETROIT -3.5

Well this is just the NFL equivalent of watching a cripple fight isn't it? You feel sad for the two participants but you can't help but watch anyway because hey...cripple fight, right? Its the NFL, you really cant help but watch every game you possibly can, even if it is this game of two sad excuses of NFL teams. If you must put action on this, I like the suddenly looking somewhat stable Lions to beat the constantly in turmoil Browns and to cover the field goal and then some spread. For some reason the Browns' defense has not been playing that bad, they apparently missed the memo to suck for this season, but I just don't trust their offense to score anything here.

BUFFALO +9 at Jacksonville

Yes, there is no logic here to this pick. ITS CRRRRAAAAZY! Who on earth would think that the Bills, who just fired their head coach Dick Jauron so he can concentrate becoming the completely dead instead of just the walking dead, could actually compete with the Jaguars who just ran all over the Jets, well I do ladies and gents. Take the Bills who will be so happy to finally play to win instead of playing not to lose like the did with "not really tricky at all" Dickie Jauron.

Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY +10

Pittsburgh is without their defensive rock Troy Polamalu yet again and they are going seriously pass crazy even though their offensive line cannot pass block to save their lives. This game is and should be a get well game for the Steelers and they should win, but I dont like laying double digits to the home dog so the plan here is to take KC and the points and pray that not having Larry Johnson will be enough to allow the Chiefs to function like a real NFL team.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 at Baltimore

The Colts are a really really good football team, meanwhile the Ravens still have people thinking their defense is the one that won them a Super Bowl in 2000. That was 9 years ago people, wake up. They are a 5-4 team right now and looked wretched against the Browns last week. They could only score 1 offensive touchdown against them. That is bad, man, like crazy bad, Beastmaster bad.

Yeah, I am actually watching Beastmaster right now, it is such a bad movie but like the sucker I am, I am still watching it because I am too lazy to find something else on tv. Well that and I find that if there is anything on TV on that I actually care about when I am writing, I get ZERO work done. Funny how that works. I did get a little nostalgic for Marc Singer watching the new V on tv the other day though. I still don't know if I actually like the new V or if I am just waiting for it to be as awesome as the old V seemed when I was like 8 years old. WTF is Marc Singer up to besides hitting the comic book conventions circuit? Also, Did you know Rip Torn is in Beastmaster? I certainly didn't know that, but I, sir, am a moron. That guy must've had it rough as an actor before the Larry Sanders show, which, by the way, is possibly one of the top 5 greatest television comedies in my life time. Such an underrated show. Or maybe its just rated. At this point, with people like me talking it up its probably making it overrated. Whatever, lets move on, shall we?

ATLANTA +6.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are coming off a bye week and have lost 4 games straight with their secondary and quarterback both injured and struggling while the Falcons are as up and down as any team in the NFL. 2nd year QB Matty Ice is not looking so good this season after his breakout rookie year but his running game has been working for him lately so they could have a chance in this game even if Turner the Burner sits this one out. I wouldn't pick the Falcons to win this game outright, but I cant see the Giants busting this one wide open. This pick here is a sharp pick if it works and it should...unless the Giants are healed in their secondary and Eli shows no ill effects from his foot thing. If that is the case, I am fucked.

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 at Green Bay

Another road dog? What am I smoking? Well truthfully, nothing, but I am eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni slices at the same time. Its like all the fun of pizza without the dough and sauce. You take one bite of the cheese stick and then take a couple pepperoni slices and it is meaty, cheesy tastiness. What is even better are those mozzarella/pepperoni rolls you can get in the cheese section of any grocery store. Its all done for you, you just have to cut it, or, like I do, just chomp down into that sucker and rip you off a piece of tasty meatcheese. There isnt much like snacking on meats and cheeses at 3am while you are trying to blog. You know you've entered a new stage in life when you pass on the chips or candy and use meat as your junk food. Its primal and yet refined at the same time. Its refimal.

Anyway, Green Bay is a mess right now and if you've been betting on them lately you are a braver person than I. I have no idea how they beat the Cowboys and I bet neither do they. Sure their sound bites all say the right thing, but inside, they have to be like "What the fuck just happened there? We're still in this somehow! Hot damn!" The 49ers right now look downright scary with their running game and that is helping to mask the fact that Alex Smith is not and should not be a NFL quarterback. How is he not in the UFL? I gotta think Sexy Rexy or JP Losman could do a little better here. Take the 49ers and pray that Mike Singletary can get some pressure on Aaron Rogers since his line has more holes in it than my meth-head cousin's brain.

Seattle at MINNESOTA -10.5

Big spread, biiiiiig spread. I have done pretty well betting against Seattle all year, especially on the road where they are 0-4. I like their streak of losing and my streak of winning when betting against them to continue here. Seattle's defense stinks worse than my breath after eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni all night...Mrs. Rage is not going to be happy when she catches a whiff of this. I'm not even sure if brushing my teeth and mouthwash is going to stop this from blasting her nostrils and making her visibly gag when i see her in the morning. Also, have you ever gotten liquid smoke on your hands? I used a little liquid smoke to flavor some turkey I was cooking up tonight (I live in a condo, no balcony, which means no grill, I needed some smokey flavor and I know it isnt the same but I have to use it anyway, leave me alone) and I got some of it on my hands and it wont go away. The downside of this is, my hands stink of bottled smokey flavoring, the upside is, my hands smell like delicious smoked meats. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...the facts of life.
So, to sum up, my breath and my hands smell like smoked meats and cheese and take Minnesota.

Washington at DALLAS -11

Who in the hell thought the Redskins could win that game last week? Not I. My personal thanks to Kyle Orton, the Redskins MVP for the game. Their offense was lighting up the Redskins defense when he was at quarterback but once he injured his ankle, they could only muster 36 yards with the spleenless Chris Simms at the helm. Who would've thought that a spleen was an integral part of being a QB in the NFL. Lets look at his stats pre spleen removal and post spleen removal:

Pre Spleen: 19 games played, completed 59.1% of his passes, QB rating of 71.2
Post Spleen: 2 games played, 26% completions, QB rating...well it was 7.2 last week...that is bad.

After this small sample size my conclusions are that spleens are necessary for survival in the NFL. Wait I am just handed a note...Drew Bledsoe ruptured his spleen in like 2000, paving the way for Tom Brady to steal his job, and after his spleen got obliterated his stat lines were statistically better in Buffalo and Dallas than when he was with the Patriots. Ok, so maybe not having a spleen only hurts when you are Chris Simms and you suck. You have NOTHING on Major Applewhite, Simms! NOTHING!

NEW ORLEANS -11 at Tampa Bay

New Orleans has been playing it close lately with their opponents and because of that, this week, I like them to break out of their semi-slump and dominate. I say semi-slump because they still haven't lost a game, they've just been playing in some squeakers. Ronde Barber can only do so much against the offense of the Saints. All the Saints receivers should run wild in this game.

Also, am I the only won in this world rooting for a Saints/Bengals superbowl? Who Dats vs Who Deys! Why don't more teams do this? Someone needs to adopt Who 'Dis? or Who Dont! or Who Dunnit! Or something.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS +9

The Cardinals have been playing pretty well lately but I like Steven Jackson to make this game competitive. I still cannot say how sorry I feel for that man. He must really love the game to put forth such effort every game for such a God awful team. I like their chances at home here to keep this game close and even possibly steal one away from the NFC Champs.

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Jets are frauds, frauds with a running game, but frauds nonetheless. I think the Patriots here do one of those no mercy style beatdowns on the Jets to make up for their close game against the Colts last week. There shouldn't be any controversy on the final play of this game, unless its about the Patriots trying to run up the score.

TENNESSEE +4 at Houston

With Chris Johnson looking like the second coming of Walter Payton can anyone reasonably bet against the Titans right now? Their defense scored twice last week, they have the best running back in football and Vince Young is playing some very un-Vince Young like football right now. The Texans never seem to ever live up to their hype and even though they have had 2 weeks to prepare for this game, their defense will not be prepared for Chris Johnson. Little known fact (especially do all you Deadspin readers) Chris Johnson's middle name actually is Duan. How cool is that?

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Cincinnati at OAKLAND +9.5

I just have to think at some point again, real soon, then Bengals will look like the Bungles. This might be it. On the road, with their #1 running back injured, against a team with absolutely nothing to lose...and they just signed the ultimate locker room disaster Larry Johnson. I smell UPSET OF THE WEEK material game right here! I need to hit up a sports bar this Sunday so I can watch this game I think. Watching the Raiders is like watching a NASCAR event, you watch it for the crashes, and crashes in this case mean you watch it waiting for Tom Cable to pull a Woody Hayes or Buddy Ryan and just punch the living shit out of someone.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -3 at Chicago

Even the Eagles cant mess this game up. The Bears simply are a team lacking in talent right now. Their offensive line is a disaster and their vaunted defense from years past is a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, if Andy Reid could just get out of his way and stop making game planning so complicated, the Eagles could beat anyone in the league. Take the Eagles and the 3 points, this one is a gimme.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Apparently Katy Perry's Assets Are Worth More Than Iceland's

West Ham should thank Russell Brand for choosing Katy Perry to service his needs at the present time. They may be able to pull themselves out of massive debt thanks to her assets. Icelandic millionaires came in and tried to save the team but their country's economy tanked and so did the team's fortunes. Who knew lingerie was the answer?

Perry wore West Ham-inspired lingerie to the European MTV Awards for Brand who is a West Ham supporter. The outfit was so popular that the designer, Siobhan Dillon, will make more exclusively for West Ham and sell them for $500 a pop. Hopefully a purchase doesn't require being forced to listen to Perry's music. One can go to Guantanamo or Afghanistan for free if one wants to be tortured with terrible music.

It's a good thing the Icelanders didn't come up with the team lingerie idea first. No one wants to see Bjork with a West Ham swan around her neck. Other teams might want to consider doing the same thing although it might not work out well for them. Charlize Theron has been known to follow Chelsea. That's good but so has Tara Reid. That's bad. Lumpy bad. Ashley Judd follows Kentucky basketball religiously. That's good. Penny Marshall is a die-hard Lakers fan. That's bad. Bad in so many ways like Warren G. Alyssa Milano would just rotate her gear depending on the week, city and team. It's a hit or miss proposition but don't front like you wouldn't be down if your man or woman wanted to rock your team's gear for you.

Bengals' Cheerleader Proves Age Aint Nuthin But A Number

This lady here? Her name is Laura Vikmanis. She is a Ben-Gal, a Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader. She is also the oldest cheerleader in the NFL at 41 years old. That's right. 41. Basically, the Bengals have hired Stiffler's mom to dance for them. MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF! She's got 2 kid, girls, ages 11 and 13 and is a registered dietitian so don't be too crass to her next time you see her, respect the MILF people. More power to her for proving age aint nuthin but a number like our girl Aaliyah (RIP) said...although i'm pretty sure she was referring to the opposite end of the age spectrum there. So why did we post this story? Gotta get some hits by saying MILF MILF MILF a bunch of times right? Anyway, here's some more picture goodness for ya. Click on em for larger ones.

From the KY Post

Black College Football: The Video Game Experience!

How many people knew this game existed? I certainly didn't. I'm not at all opposed to a video game concentrating on historically black colleges football programs, the more exposure the better, no what I am opposed to is how shotty this game is...and by all accounts it is horrrrrible. The worst thing about the game is not that Doug Williams has put his personal stamp of approval on this piece of crap. Its not that the gameplay and AI is some of the worst since Joe Montana II Sportstalk Football for the Sega (yes, if you remember that, you are officially old). Its not the frame rate drops or slowdown that is constant throughout the game. Its not even that the graphics would've only been solid on the Xbox...the original Xbox...not the 360. No, it is this:

Any football video game that has a guitar hero style, rhythm game based, halftime show that you have to participate, is a freaking joke. Granted the halftime show at historically black colleges is one of the main reasons one goes to HBC football games, but certainly you could've just shown a cut-shot of an animated halftime show or full motion video of an actual show. You dont see anyone trying to dance with cheerleaders in Madden? No one is tapping X X A Y A B to dot the "I" for Ohio State in NCAA Football 10? Why cheapen this already bad game by doing this? It is a football game, marching band is not football.

Amazingly though, i'm surprised that the Guitar Hero people havent stolen this idea for Marching Band Hero or something? I mean, after DJ Hero anything is possible i think.

Photos and a full review of the game here at IGN

Figure Skaters Gone Wild

Brian Boitano has a cooking show on Food Network. Let that marinate for a moment. I should be angry but I'm not. These are the same clowns that forced Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri on us without so much as an apology. I refuse to accept that Boitano deserves his own cooking show but at least he's doing something everyone can imagine he would do after retiring from figure skating. He's not out driving drunk and stealing cars like Andrei Lutai.

Lutai, a figure skater from Russia, was arrested after stealing a car from a gas station and driving drunk in Lake Placid. That's pretty gangsta for a figure skater. What was he doing at a gas station without a car? Getting his sequins fixed in the bay or bathroom? He was charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and aggravated driving while intoxicated. He's being held on $100,000 bail. Oksana Baiul will drive right over and bail him out as soon as she finishes that sixth Long Island Iced Tea and figures out why the road is sideways.

Jason Maxiell Shows Anderson Varejao How To Not Get Posterized

Dwyane Wade made Anderson Varejao look like Frederic Weis when he dunked on him and his whole family last week. They felt that down in Santa Teresa. The Lakers' Shannon Brown tried to come with the thunder on the Pistons' Jason Maxiell and well...



That is how you maintain your dignity and protect your family.

Aw That's A Brazilian Shower?

It's not every day that a Brazilian Shower video turns up in your mailbox. There was no way we were going to look it when we first got it. "Aw what's in the box?? What's in the fucking box??" It wasn't too long ago that the rainbow country brought us the horror of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. We weren't going to fall for that scat again. Eventually I broke and took a look. I was overcome with relief when I saw that it wasn't an attempt to one up the infamous video. I'm not gonna lie. A small part of me was disappointed that it was just sports-related.

Check it out. No Rickroll. It's SFW. Assistant referee Celio Cavalcante goes postal after Carlos Eduardo sprays him with a water bottle during a soccer game in Brazil.



Eduardo was interviewed after being sent off but said he had "no regrets" about spraying Cavalcante. It's just another day in Brazilian soccer. At least this incident didn't end with cops rushing the field and arresting players or some girl making a shart-infused Jackson Pollock on someone else.

Run Dennis Run: The Worm Pulls A Drink And Dash Fail

There was a guy we knew in Washington DC who was infamous for going to bars with expired credit cards, running up tabs and breaking out on them. It got to the point where no one wanted to be around him because you never knew when he was going to get thrown out, punched for saying something incredibly offensive or just act like a jackass. We knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of when and how. He's now a schoolteacher in a different state or so we heard. The less we know, the better. No one's thinking about the children.

Dennis Rodman pulled the old drink and dash but it didn't work out so well for him. He was arrested by German police after bailing on a $5100 hotel bill after playing an exhibition game. Game organizers agreed to pick up the bill for his hotel stay but didn't agree to pay for the party he threw after the game which resulted in the outstanding bill.

The hotel manager called the police who tracked Rodman down in his limo and arrested him. He was detained until he paid the bill and an additional $2500 to prevent further legal proceedings. You mean I can break the law in Germany and just pay the cops off? Who knew the Germans were so lenient towards lawbreakers? I always thought The Netherlands was the place to commit crime. We had a plan to lure Maroon 5 and Nickelback to Amsterdam then bury them in a dike. Better amend the plan and have a go at it in Dusseldorf. Don't worry. We have plenty of Deutsche Marks for all the coppers and prosecutors. Straight cash, homey.

By The Middle Of November When The Pregnancy Starts In His Horse's Placenta, Robert Van Persie's Gone Til December

Some Chinese healers say the first piss of the morning heals black toe nails. Bull penis is also considered to be an aphrodisiac. Footballers have relied on injury treatments involving goat's blood and Viagra in the past. A horse's placenta? Why the hell not?

Arsenal and Netherlands striker Robert van Persie won't be making any runs due to being ruled out for six weeks following an ankle injury suffered in a friendly against Italy on Saturday. He's going to Serbia for treatment in an attempt to return to action as soon as possible. A Serbian doctor will attempt to treat his injury by rubbing fluid from a horse's placenta on his ankle. Arsenal physios are fine with this. Manager Arsene Wenger probably suggested using a little boy but that wouldn't go over too well in the press. It's not clear how rubbing Ruud van Nistelrooy's placenta on van Persie's ankle will make it heal faster but the visual has to be worth the price.

Chimp's NFL Week 10 Pick Em

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would've changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can't cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we're going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty's own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes...well and how David Garrard goes too i guess...and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer's knee, this one isn't going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn't matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don't. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it'l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don't see why the Panthers can't give it a shot. Can't be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so...and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn't watch, you shouldn't bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I've done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won't end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The 'hawks just don't have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network's Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn't give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week's games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and Lions...no way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don't think this week will be much different...except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there...well it doesn't apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn't helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell's lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world's creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver's fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so...or something like "mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!"

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds...I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC's Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game...and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn't cover in a game they clearly should have...but I didn't listen to it, much to my dismay. I'm not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover...yet the line either hasn't moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don't exactly know how this is going to go down...but it will...and you will reap the benefits from it.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.