Will Ferrell And Pete Carroll Make Funny Again

The laughs never stop in Watts. Only if Ricky Baker could have joined in the fun. The least the school could do is invite Doughboy so he doesn't feel left out. Unfortunately Will Ferrell's funnier than Ice Cube.

Pete Carroll and Will Ferrell are recycling practical jokes. They're going back to people falling from great heights in front of the team. In 2005, LenDale White faked falling off a building and reading. They must have tried nothing because they're fresh out of ideas.

Offensive line coach Pat Ruel began yelling at a man atop a mechanical lift used for filming practice. The man fell from the lift, on the street outside a fence that surrounds Howard Jones Field, and landed on a cushion out of view of those attending practice.

A few seconds later, Ferrell [who wore a mask, half an Ironman costume and a Speedo-style swimsuit as Captain Compete] burst through the gate carrying the unhurt man.

As Ferrell addressed players, most of whom were laughing, another man emerged from behind the end zone engulfed in flames. After the flames were put out, Ferrell doused the man with water.

What pranks do you think Rick Neuheisel is pulling in Westwood Village? We're guessing forcing UCLA players to draft potential brackets for the 2009 NCAA Basketball Tournament or interviewing for other jobs while saying he's not.

Mike And Mike Need To Keep It Together

Mike Singletary's dropping his pants in frustration during his first game and now Mike D'Antoni's feuding with Knicks fans in the first week of the season. This should go well.

D'Antoni was caught cursing Knicks fans after they started chanting for him to put Starbury in the game.

With some in the Garden crowd surprisingly chanting "We Want Steph" with 11:10 remaining in the fourth (others booed the chant), a stewing D'Antoni was caught on MSG Network cameras Wednesday in a tirade, mouthing:

"You've got to be (bleeping) kidding me. You've got to be (bleeping) kidding me. What a bunch of (bleep) holes."

It's unbelievable to think that he didn't know what he was walking into when he accepted the Knicks job. This is nothing. Wait until the team hits its first losing streak. If he's cursing fans during the first game, he'll be rushing the stands like Ron Artest by December. What did he expect from a team with Starbury and an overweight donkey with a heart ailment?

It's nice to see Knicks PR is in mid-season form. 10 mintues after telling reporters he was pissed at the fans, D'Antoni came back with a Knicks PR official and claimed he wasn't cursing the fans.

"There's no way I'd do that to the fans," he said. "It was a great opening night. That's what should be the story."

Thursday, D'Antoni said of the incident "No, I would never do that. Hey, it's done ... I should do better, I'll do better."

Finally a coach with some sense comes to town, starts trying to fix the disaster Isiah left and the fans demand mediocrity. Hopefully the team will get back to losing. It's what the fans deserve if they're calling for Starbury to play.

Porn doesn't kill people, people kill people. (SFW)

Niklas Hagman Channels The Great Muta

This seems like a move Sean Avery would pull. He's definitely dirty enough. I see no reason why the Devils can't retaliate against Avery even though he wasn't in the building. It's probably his fault in some way.



The "engaging raconteur" could not have been happy with Hagman's move but The Great Muta would be proud. He was an incredibly underrated wrestler. I'm going to start spitting that powder at anyone who gets in my way whether it be at work or out on the town. "Hey could you stay late. We need ... My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing! My mouth tastes like burning!"


** I had no idea Brodeur got divorced because he was nailing his sister-in-law. Well played, sir.

Run! Go! Get To The Chopper! Do It Now!

This isn't news but we're still amazed at A-Rod's obsession with He-Man villains. Page Six reports that A-Rod and Lady Skeletor choppered off separately to the Hamptons to chill at Seinfeld's house. What's the deal with that? There's no word on whether Michael Richards showed up to racially insult the Yankees third baseman. He's not too far away from dating someone who actually looks like the Predator. I don't know. Let's say Bacary Sagna of Arsenal, Maria Shriver or Amy Winehouse.

Spain Knows How To Stay Classy

If it's not making monkey noises at African players during soccer matches, making fun of Chinese facial features during the Olympics or wearing blackface to racially insult Lewis Hamilton, it's just not Spain.

You can always count on the Spanish to do something horrifically racist while screaming that they aren't racist as much as you can count on the sun rising and setting. Someone in Spain has set up a website called "Burst Hamilton's Tire" in English that "encourages visitors to leave ‘virtual nails’ on a mock-up of the Brazilian racetrack where he hopes to win the drivers’ championship this Sunday".

A nice feature of the website allows fans to leave comments and they haven't disappointed.

More than 16,000 racist messages using terms like "nigger" and "half-breed" have been posted on a Spanish website.

One, calling himself David, left a message saying: "---- you -------. Monkey."

Another, dubbed Hamilton a conguito – a type of chocolate sweet with racist overtones – and wrote: "Conguito, you are going to die."

One message on the site, from a man calling himself Carrillo, says: ‘Half-breed, kill yourself in your car.’

Another, from ‘Alberto’, says: ‘I hope you run over your dad in the first pit stop, Hamilton.

Let's not leave out the messages calling for Hamilton to kill himself.

It's not clear what's more amazing about the phenomenon of racism in Spanish sport. Is it the acts of racism or the absolute denials of it by the Spanish? Cesc Fabregas, Rudy Fernandez and Pau Gasol among others have all come out denying that the Spanish are racist. Not once have we seen any athlete or person in charge of sport condemn the acts of racism that are almost too many to count. One would think Spanish basketball players that ply their trade in the NBA or soccer players who play on multi-national club teams would be a bit more sensitive to racism but then again we're not dealing with astrophysicists here.


Don't count on the sporting associations such as F1, FIFA or UEFA to do anything. They're too busy rollin' like playboys and coming down on countries and teams they don't like. Even when they punish teams, the fines are laughable or they reverse themselves as seen in the Athletico Madrid-Liverpool Champions League match this season. UEFA banned the match from being played in Madrid after racist taunts during the Athletico-Marseille match but they reversed themselves and the game went on as scheduled.

Nothing will change until Spain is held to account and they are made to suffer by taking away sporting events and imposing heavy fines and bans. Here's to Hamilton winning the title and destroys the field in the process. Hopefully, he'll follow that up by dumping whatever tranny he's dating from the Pussycat Girls and finds himself a nice girl like that Gabrielle Union. Gabby will give it up to any athlete any time, anywhere. That girl fine! I'd tell Gabby about my college lacrosse career but I just can't deal with having Jason Kidd's sloppy seconds. There have to be some sports blogger status hoes out there. We've not above getting some Bill Cosby/Sebastian Janikowski time in with you. What's that? No, baby. That's not a roofie. Email us at the Deuce if you're in the mood for some sexual healing. Chimp's off the market. Sorry, no hot monkey love for you.

When The Haka Goes Wrong

There's not much like a lazy afternoon rugby match between two inconsequential island nations. New Zealand and the Cook Island are the kind of places you end up due to a shipwreck or plane crash. The two countries decided to see who could out-Haka who before their match and hilarity ensued



Check the two players at the bottom of the picture who hug and walk off as though nothing is going on behind them. At least the Cook Islands guy went back. The New Zealand player had his team's back. Way back.

One would think the Cook Islands team would be on their knees crying as though they were saved. "Please, we were eating each other! No man should get used to the taste of another human...well, depending on the circumstances."

Nunchuck Baseball Is Pretty Cool

Japan never ceases to amaze me with what they do with sport. Watch this guy launch baseballs with his nunchuck skills. Badass.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

No questions asked.

This is what 25 years of joy denied looks like.


Forget Times Square.


Cottman and Frankford is where it's at, baby.



I don't even KNOW these people! But we were all out there, hugging and high-fiving each other like there's no tomorrow.


Of course, there is tomorrow, and we will celebrate. And then, oh my and then, there is noon on Friday and that march down Broad Street.


The pure, unadulterated joy of a city.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies.


You gotta believe.

Personal Foul. 15 Yards. Baconing Up That Sausage

What do they dump on the winning coach in the Israeli Football League? Our guess is hummus or Manichewitz. Coach is gonna have one wicked hangover now that the Kraft family and the Israeli Football League have combined like Voltron to form the Kraft Family IFL. Those Tel Aviv vs. Ramallah games will be must see TV for sure.

I guess I shouldn't bring my buttermilk infused-steaks to the tailgates like I do here.

Jim McMahon's Dad Is Pissed At The Mormons

Who had it worse at BYU? McMahon or the brotha behind him? Always bet on black.

Don't let my son into the BYU Hall of Fame? I'll show you. I'll write a letter and shake my fist with impotent rage. If you don't respond, I'll drink a whole pot of black coffee, shake a black person's hand and burn some Donny and Marie 8-tracks. That'll show you.

Jim McMahon's dad knows his time is almost up and he wants the BYU Hall of Fame to induct his son, daggumit! He wrote a letter to BYU Athletic Director Tom Holome and forwarded a copy to the Salt Lake Tribune asking why it has taken so long for his son to be inducted into the hall and have his number retired. He really doesn't want an answer. He already knows it's because Junior isn't Mormon.

Mr. Tom Holmoe,
I am writing this letter to you because it has been bugging me for over 25 years that my son Jim is not in the BYU Hall of Fame and that his jersey has not been retired. I am now 72 years old and I do not have much time left, so I am putting in writing what has been in my heart for the last 27 years.
If Jim had gone to any other university in the United States, his jersey would have been retired and he would have been in their Hall of Fame in 1982. Jim was without a doubt the greatest quarterback ever to wear a BYU jersey. In fact, he was the best quarterback in the history of college football. He set 57 NCAA records, the most records ever set by anyone who ever played the game. This is a feat that was never done before or after him. He has the best winning percentage of any quarterback in the history of BYU. He led BYU to its first bowl win and also its second bowl win. He is the only quarterback with two bowl wins to this day.
Jim was a consensus All-American for two years. Jim was the recipient of the Davey O'Brien award, given to the most outstanding quarterback in the country. Jim was first-team All-WAC for three years. Jim was the most valuable player in the WAC for three years. Jim was named first-team quarterback for the WAC's 25th anniversary team.
Jim was also inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame the first year he was eligible.
But! He is not in the BYU Hall?
How can you explain that? Oh! I know, he did not graduate, and that is one of your requirements. In that case, you will need to take out about 60 percent of the people in your Hall, as they did not all graduate.
If you will take the time to take a poll of all Division I schools and ask them if graduation is a requirement to get into their hall of fame, you would find out that 99.9 percent of them would say it is not. After all, the Hall should be based on their athletic ability, not scholastic ability.
If you go back to see when this rule was put in place, you will find it was put in 1980 or 1981 and is known secretly as the Jim McMahon rule. It was put in as the only way to keep him out of the Hall. To make sure he did not graduate and mess you up, he was suspended from school right after his last game with only nine credits left to graduate.
When he was recruited, the coaching staff assured me and my family that even though he was not a Mormon, he would be treated fairly. Obviously, that was a lie. The university and the Mormon church should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this miscarriage of justice to my son Jim. I can only hope that before I die this miscarriage of justice is corrected and Jim's jersey is retired and he is inducted into your Hall and his name is placed on the ring of honor on your stadium. If this is not done, then you should rename your Hall of Fame the Hall of Shame.
Very Truly Yours,
James F. McMahon

The best quarterback in college football history? That's stretching it a bit but Jim Sr. definitely has a point. How is it that Junior hasn't been inducted into the Hall of Fame or had his number retired? The evidence leads one to think that the letter is onto something.

Junior credited BYU for helping him become an NFL quarterback but also claimed the school never pushed him for the Heisman when his numbers put him up with the best. He ended up finishing fifth and third respectively the two times he was up for the award.

The college and eventual pro great never fit in at the strict, religious institution and was relieved to leave when drafted by the Bears in 1982. As mentioned, he was discarded once he was no longer of use to the football program. One would think that he wouldn't care whether he was inducted into the Hall of Fame or had his number retired. However it seems ridiculous for other BYU athletes to be inducted or have numbers retired when there's no question he was the one of the greatest athletes to come out of that school. It's questionable whether he was a better college quarterback than Ty Detmer but the argument can be made. McMahon did make it through his college career without separating both shoulders in one game. He was better than Steve Young. Yes, he was even better than Robbie Bosco. There's no question he was a better quarterback than Danny Ainge and anyone else in the Ainge clan such as Erik. The future Tennessee quarterback should have stayed in the womb. The school even has artifacts from Steve Young's NFL career but short changes McMahon's achievements.

Surprisingly, BYU fans have been on McMahon's side if one goes by the Salt Lake Tribune's responses. Just for that, I'm going to refrain from posting the South Park picture from the Mormon episode as I intended to do.

Don't expect BYU to have a change of heart. Junior doesn't need BYU to affirm his greatness however the gestures would be decent parting gifts for a father who only wants the school to do right by his son.

Two rhinos enter, one rhino leave.

Say Good Night, Sweet Brandon Sutter

Doug Weight welcomes Brandon Sutter to the NHL with a hit he'll probably forget.



There's an interesting debate in hockey circles over whether hits like these should be made illegal. No sense into us going into it when so many already have. It's just hard to see how to make head shots that aren't intentionally injurious such as this one illegal. Each hit is special in its own way and should be judged accordingly. Chimp and I are with Puck Daddy on this one.

If it's not Joe Biden, it's Ocho Cinco. Huh? Oh you didn't hear? Chad Ocho Cinco almost blew the election for Obama. How you ask? Let Mike Florio tell you.

Per a league source, Johnson had a Barack Obama banner stashed in each end zone, which he planned to retrieve and unfurl if he had scored [this past weekend against Houston].

One can only guess what the banner said. When will black on black crime stop? We're headed for self-destruction I tells ya.

And You Thought Pete Rose Was Bad

Wait till they get a load of Argentina's new manager.

"When the Ravens played the Miami Dolphins' 'Wildcat' offense - which splits out Chad Pennington as a receiver - [Coach John] Harbaugh said they tried to throw the Dolphins quarterback into the Gatorade on the sideline."

Whoa Nellie! Keith Jackson says put your money on Gatorade beating Pennington every time.

via Baltimore Sun

Ronaldo's A Quitter

The window to weight gain is closing fast on the original Ronaldo now forever known as Fat Ronaldo. He's determined to play for Brazil again and regrets the weight gain that would have made Homer proud.

It's bad enough that another younger, better looking player takes your place but also taking your name? That's some straight up cold shit.

Brazilian striker Ronaldo put on so much weight while he was injured this year that he was running out of clothes that fit him, he said on Tuesday.

"I couldn't have got any fatter, I was running out of clothes," Ronaldo said in an interview with the Sportv cable television station.

The former world great has been rehabbing with Flamengo and getting back in fighting shape. That's bullshit. He was well on his way to Diego Maradona proportions before this ridiculous rehab/weight loss program.


Doesn't he realize he could have gotten disability in addition to whatever payments he would have received from AC Milan and insurance? Now he has to fight his way back into national team contention with some half-ass team like Manchester City or Livorno. Maybe Mallorca would take him. Just keep him away from the buttered bull balls and buttermilk paella.

The Devil's Precipitation Is Upon Us

So after last night's debacle at the Bank, I was sitting here in my office just north of Philadelphia wondering how I am going to manage a World Series pseudo-game tonight and the 7:30AM conference call tomorrow morning I just got conscripted into.

Then I looked outside and noticed that it is FUCKING SNOWING. Like, seriously snowing.

The weather forecast - which is a wondrous, truly miraculous thing, god I'm glad they invented it after the top of the sixth inning last night - indicates that it is going to continue to snow and rain until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I gotta tell you, sports fans, baseball tonight seems an unlikely prospect. I figure that has to help the Phillies; the longer the game gets delayed the more likely it becomes that should futher games be necessary Cole Hamels will pitch on full rest.

To paraphrase what us Phillies Pholk had been saying all day yesterday: 1/3 more, my friends. 1/3 more.

Isiah can't O.D. right and now he can't even call in sick right. The only way to make this right is reinstall him as Knicks coach before the opener.

Random Photo Of Horrific Violence

A Hockey Player vs. A Midget vs. A Tranny: Adam Burish At The Jerry Springer Show

Chicago Blackhawk Adam Burish's blog on the Chicago Sun-Times website has some strong potential. He started off writing about why hockey players fight and now he regales us with the tale of his day as security on The Jerry Springer Show which films in Chicago.


Apparently the fights are real and the most difficult fighters to break up are girl fights.

Two girls started slapping each other as hard as they could and when I got in the middle to break it up they each grabbed a hold of each other's hair. So I did what made sense, grabbed their hands and tried to pull their hands off the others hair. However, when I finally pulled one of the girl's hands away she didn't let go and pulled the others wig right off her head and then threw it into the crowd. I felt a little responsible for that one!

Overall the show was such a blast to be a part off. I was pleasantly surprised as to how many Blackhawks fans were in the audience. When I got on stage they started chanting things like, "We love hockey fights," and "Detroit Sucks!"

Now these are the kinds of things athletes should be doing and talking about on their blogs. I don't want to hear about your wack album or why you should get the ball more. Keep it interesting like Agent Zero, Chris Cooley or Paul Shirley.

Is Bill Cosby Getting High On His Own Supply?

I don't know if Dr. Huxstable dipped into Theo's "special" pudding pops, sniffed too much Picture Pages ink or mistook his roofies for antacid but he's losing his damn mind.



We can't wait until we get the Eddie Murphy "Raw" call from the Cos.

David Beckham Is Going To Have Some Gay Icon Competition

Goldenballs starts talking about moving to AC Milan on loan and challengers are going to make their move. First up, Freddie Ljungberg.

The Swedish midfielder is bringing his sexy to the MLS so even if Beckham leaves, you'll have a replacement for your heart, loins as well as the pink and brown. Ljungberg is rumored to have signed a two year deal with the expansion Seattle Sounders. The Sounder will hold a press conference today to announce a "new star player". I'm holding out for an overweight, drunk Diego Maradona but it's probably a Swede.

This should be a good pickup for the Sounders. The former Arsenal star brings some cache along with Kasey Keller although not on the level of a Beckham. His skills, although diminished, should help the young team.

Signing players in the twilight of their career may be the way of the MLS for a while until the skill level as a whole improves and more importantly, players are paid obscene wages like the big leagues.

Don't Think My Kid Can Beat Up Your Kid? Watch This

Each of these kids is more man individually than 15 Claude Lemieuxs. Check out this pee wee line brawl courtesy of Puck Daddy.



The future of the NHL is stronger than ever. By the time, these kids reach the big time and play in places like Ciudad Juarez and Nacogdoches, no one will remember the lockout.

Taiwan's Eating Contests Don't Work Any Better Than Their Parliament

You want to be the Big Stomach King, boss man? If you can win eating, you get $60 with a side of death. Just ask Chen. Oh wait...

A mystery eater surnamed "Chen" met his demise at the sweet, tasty hands of rice and cheese buns during a Dayeh University competitive eating contest in Taiwan. He was about to win the Big Stomach King eating contest and the $60 prize money when he started "vomiting relentlessly, passed out and died".

Chen had eaten two buns and some of his roommates' food when he became sick. He had just pulled ahead of 30 teams to take the lead. The university dean said that Chen had competed in the contest before with no ill effects. The university's theory is that he ate too fast instead of too much. Yes. That's right. He ate too fast at an eating contest. What did he think it was? It's not how fast you eat but how well you eat.

I smell a coverup. Why is no one questioning the roommate's food? Was someone trying to poison the roommate? Did gluttony save him? Is there murder afoot?

I just hope the contest took place in a back alley like the Kumite. "Chen! You break my record! Now I break you! Like I break your friend!"

Chen must have thought, "Very good but bun don't hit back". Sorry, Chen. Bun do hit back. It really do.

You Couldn't Try This Try If You Tried

Brian O'Driscoll is better than you or me. Accept it.

Headline of the Day: Goat-Sacrificing Restaurant Owner Accused of Hiring Hit Man to Behead Victim

In case you think the paper is being dramatic, the goat sacrificer "wanted the machete returned to him with the man's blood on it, and he also wanted a jar of the blood brought to him".

The Lions Aren't Very Good At All And They Know It

One of the great things international soccer has over American sports is the soccer chant or song. All teams have them and they range from the basic ("Chelsea!") to the personal ("With a packet of sweets and a cheeky smile, Wenger is a fucking pedophile!"). There are songs that reference holidays. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, one Cantona and an Eric Cantona!" You then have the statements of fact such as "You're shit and you know you are!" or "You're not very, you're not very, you're not very good at all!". Lions fans would do well to learn the statement of fact chants. The players have them down.

"I'm tired of saying we are making progress, I'm tired of saying we were close, and I'm tired of saying we just need to execute," center Dominic Raiola said Monday. "It is the same thing week after week."

"I'm out of things to say," he said, one day after the Lions dropped to 0-7 with a 25-17 loss to Washington. "It's hard to even go anywhere without feeling embarrassed."

You almost feel sorry for players like Raiola but then you think of clowns like Matt Millen and Tatum Bell and laugh. Millen may be gone but his ghost remains. The Lions started 0-12 in 2001 so 0-7 is old hat to players like Raiola. He really needs to look at the bright side. 0-7 is better than 0-12. Never mind the winning percentage. Of course, there's a good chance they'll be worse than last year's 1-15 Dolphins.

Raiola might want to consider one of the stylish bags as modeled by a Lions fan above. It's biodegradable and 2-ply so it's strong enough to contain any and all embarrassment or shame felt by the wearer. It's also better than plastic. We all know what happens to people especially small children that play with plastic bags on their heads. They have an super awesome time, boss man!!

Shaq Talkin' 'Bout Love

ESPN was kind enough to forward us a video of Shaq talkin about love with Mike Breen. Well kinda talkin about love, its talkin about love and not lovin someone...or something. I dunno. Anyway, to repay them for thinking of us we're kind enough stick it up here for you all to watch. Its all part of some new ESPN Here's what ESPN/NBA deal where they put players in an RV with anchors and coaches and they talk about...um. stuff. I'm gonna post the video they sent along and what ESPN had to say about it after the video. Amazingly we got no money for this...although we shoulda:

Every NBA season is a journey. The “Your NBA Destination” campaign captures the spirit of this yearly journey by squeezing the NBA’s best players and our own ESPN anchors together, inside one tiny RV, for basketball’s greatest road trip.
In this 2nd year of the campaign, 9 new TV spots will focus on weird, funny, memorable moments with our ESPN anchors and the NBA’s best together, on the road, in the RV.

In addition, over 30 unique web videos were created to actually give fans a seat in the RV. To make the videos, we mounted tiny “lipstick” cameras inside the RV, loaded it up with all-stars and anchors, and kept the cameras rolling for three days straight. From Shaq playing solo Twister, to D-Wade singing, the videos give fans access to a side of these players and anchors they’ve never seen, and act as a video journal of the best moments on the road.

New videos will be released as the season progresses and the RV travels to different ESPN telecasts. All the videos will eventually be hosted on espn.com/yourNBAdestination.

On espn.com/yourNBAdestination fans can follow along and interact with the RV road trip all season long – plus be reminded of games via an interactive map that plots the course of the RV in real time.

The videos on the site provide fans multiple camera angles to cut around the RV as they watch each clip. All the videos on the site are available for fans to download or post on their blogs and websites.

I CAN HAZ MALE SEX ORGANZ?

My name is Bud Selig and just in case you weren't aware, I am not a man. I am, in fact, a spineless, dickless fuckbag.

Yeah, I know the forecast was for rain until tomorrow afternoon. Yeah, I know the field went from muddy to completely, stupidly, dangerously unplayable between the fifth and sixth innings. Yeah, I know the game should have been called after the fifth inning. I don't care. Why? Because I'm a spineless, dickless fuckbag.

I know the Phillies don't want to win a World Series that way. I know the Rays sure don't want to lose one that way. But you know what I'm sure they DO want? I am goddamn sure all the way down to my gaping, dripping vagina that Charlie Manuel and Joe Maddon want to go out there in 40 degree weather and 20MPH winds and play in an infield that is fucking underwater for Chrissakes and risk their players getting hurt or getting sick. I am 100% sure they'd rather do that. It's one of those things you just know deep in your spineless, dickless fuckbag bones.

I mean, if you were in my position and you had this choice, you're telling me you wouldn't wait until the conditions got so bad that you couldn't actually play baseball and let the Rays tie it up before you called the game? What, do you have a cock or something? Jesus Christ in a handcart, Cole Hamels had only thrown 67 pitches and given up one run in 6 innings! I couldn't let that shit stand. And did you see that double play from Utley? Come on. The way their defense was going there was no WAY the Phillies fucked this one up. Even a spineless, dickless fuckbag like me could see that.

No, no, it's far better to wipe out Hamels' great pitching effort and wait until the Rays used the hideously unfair conditions to tie the game, and then not give the Phillies the same opportunity to abuse the unplayable field and my lack of any discernible guts or integrity or male genitalia. I mean, what am I supposed to do? It's not my fault if the "rain delay" lasts 19 hours. Yeah, I had the Weather Channel and CNN and Fox News and the National Weather Service and local news radio and the 143,000,000 websites that provide hour-by-hour forecasts telling there was no possible way in this or any other parallel universe that we could finish this game tonight, but 1-day weather forecasts are wrong, like, 4% of the time. I'm just a simple spineless, dickless fuckbag trying to incompetently run a thoroughly corrupt sports league.

Am I bitter about the Phillies beating the Brewers? What? How can you even ask me that? No. Of course not. What a silly question. Now can someone line up all the Phillies fans who've been waiting 28 years for a World Series? I want to make sure I strap on my 14" curare-spike stainless steel dildo and fuck every one of them in the ass before I go back to my hotel room.

Amare Stoudemire Has Dance Moves

Amare Stoudamire appeared on the children's show Yo Gabba Gabba a few weeks ago to show off a few of his dance moves and I finally just got around to watching the video of it. Lets just say, I do not see Dancing With The Stars in the future for the big guy. There's many things that could make this clip better, but I think we all agree that it needs more Biz Markie. Now, if only I could get Amare's song out of my head...

No Justice, No Peace In Australia Either

Very cool and interesting BBC article about the "other guy" on the podium with John Carlos and Tommie Smith at the '68 Olympics in Mexico City. His name was Peter Norman and he was an Australian. He didn't throw a fist in the air but he stood with them in protest and also paid a heavy price back home. When he died in 2006, Carlos and Smith traveled to Melbourne to act as pallbearers at his funeral. Read on and learn.

BBC News

Panic On The Streets Of Calgary, Panic On The Streets Of Saskatchewan

Who knew the CFL was so gangsta? The CFL is best known to us south of the border as being the home of Warren Moon and Doug Flutie for years in addition to being the place for wack touchdown celebrations. Don't sleep on CFL fans. Don't let anyone tell you they don't mean business when they throw down.

A fan at a Calgary Stampeders-Saskatchewan Rough Riders game caught a struggle between a drunken fan and a police officer on tape. A fan went for what might have been an officer's gun while he was busy subduing another fan. The cop went after the other fan and they ended up taking a dive down the stands.



Who knows if the fan was going for a gun, taser or whistle? You ask where the backup was while the cop was taking on the section by himself. They were too busy with their own battles.

Police said only one officer was called to the scene because the 35 other officers at the stadium were dealing with other incidents.

Daroux said in one of the incidents, a spectator was assaulted by another fan so badly, his head injuries were at first considered life-threatening. In another, a fan approached an officer with brass knuckles.

This kind of behavior is more suited to Oakland where marauding gangs roam the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in spiked shoulder pads and MC Hammer parachute pants attacking people in Port-A-Pots while screaming in tongues like E-40.

Laugh at the CFL if you will. At least they have cool team names like the Rough Riders which could be a brand of condom or how some bar troll got down after you picked her up at last call on Saturday. We have the Magic, the Heat and now the Thunder. The Dolphins? Dolphins are a bunch of bitches like Smith Barney. What do they do except make annoying noises and bounce balls on their noses? No wonder the Navy uses them for bomb bait and the Japanese work them like baby seals.

Allan Houston is going to make the Knicks final roster and first round draft pick Danilo Gallinari is going to start in the D-League? It's business as usual at the Garden. Excellent...

Taxes? I Don't Owe No Stinkin' Taxes

If it's not one thing, it's another with Diego Maradona. He can't manage to stay out of trouble. He's either got a Tony Montana-sized coke habit, hepatitis or he's growing as fat as he is tall. Now he's in tax trouble with the Italian authorities. Of course that means he has nothing to worry about since no one pays taxes over there.

The Italian Tax Association claims that Maradona owes almost $48 million dollars in back taxes from 17 years ago when he played for Napoli in Serie A. $29.8 million of that is interest.

"The Italian tax office has not managed to obtain from Maradona more than 0.11 per cent of what he owes the public treasury (which is) 36 million euros. It's deflating," he said.

What the hell is the Italian Tax Association? Is it similar to the Benevolent Gentleman's Club? I think we all know what I'm referring to when I speak of such groups. Is it an actual government agency or is it merely an "interested" party?

Maradona has only paid back about $56,000 and two "luxury watches" according to the association. Since when can you pay your taxes with goods? I would expect that in the Central African Republic or Tajikistan. That's a bit much even for Italy. If that's allowed, I'm moving my business there yesterday. I'm going to owe a shitload this coming year after making all kinds of bank selling ivory to the Chinese and $1,000,000 "endangered turduckens" to Russian and Middle Eastern billionaires. Why are they called endangered and what makes them so special? It's a snow owl stuffed into a bald eagle which is then stuffed into a condor. Mmm sacrilicious.

"Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your muthafuckin' ass!" If there's a heaven for pimps, you can be sure Dolemite's there messin' with Queen Bee.

Bernard Hopkins Will Get Nothing And Like It

Get out of my face! I don't need no has-beens in my corner. And you better wipe that look off your face before I knock it off. You wanna jump, JUMP! Come on! Come on, 'Nard! Come on!

Bernard Hopkins' win over the previous undefeated Kelly Pavlik could set up a rematch with the white boy who beat him after he said he'd "never get beat by a white boy".** Too bad the white boy wants none of what Bernard Hopkins got.

"He is thinking of the money," said [Joe] Calzaghe when told Hopkins was prepared to face him on British soil. "At the end of the day, I didn't fight my best and he lost and I did that in Las Vegas. What chance has he got over here?

"That fight is not getting me excited. I won the first fight and it wasn't a great fight to watch.

..."It would probably be more boring. I've beaten him and I wouldn't want to go over old ground."

It wasn't a great fight to watch and Hopkins was disgraceful. He tried to trick the ref by stalling and feigning injuries from phantom low blows. Calzaghe beat him fair and square despite his protests.

Comments like Calzaghe's will drive Hopkins crazy. He can never leave well enough alone. You can be sure he's going to lash out at some point. Don't believe me? Ask Hot 97's Angie Martinez. He'll probably try to call out Calzaghe by insulting the Welsh the same way he insulted Puerto Ricans. If you're not in the New York area, you probably missed the Strong Capricorn's interview on Hot 97 last week. Listen as he talks politics and makes enemies of a whole island.



Just remember it don't matter who at the "hem", it's the Puerto Ricans fault he got all racialist and "beat their legend". Anyway, they our little brother so he don't see what the problem is. Me fail English? That's unpossible!


** By referencing Hopkins' comments about Calzaghe being a white boy, we're probably going to piss off one John Shellabarger again. After giving Calzaghe his props in April, this sister fucking yokel decided to send us some hate mail.

BERNARD HOPKINS GOT BEAT BY A WHITE MAN

You don't like being called boy do you nigger? Call it like it is and say that Calzaghe is a man. If you don't then you are just saying that your guy Hopkins got beat by a boy, a child. How does Hopkins feel about being beaten by a child?

Fuck you Nigger

We have to give him his props for calling us "Mr. Davenport" and journalists in subsequent emails. How do you feel about being called boy and nigger, white people of the Deuce? Let John Boy know how you feel. You can reach him at rovcheck@cox.net.

I think Spike Lee would agree that brown soldiers need love especially when their balls is all blowed up. Are you listening, Phil Savage? Maybe the VA should get involved.

Smith Barney? A Bunch Of Bitches

Has it really come to this? Are we about to see the Hieroglyphics hedge fund? Diplomats debt obligations? The economy has gotten so bad that people can't rely on Wall Street to level with them. People are turning to alternative sources of information in a panic. Some people like Sarah Palin trust their witch doctors. Others turn to rappers.

There was some rapper summit in Atlanta where people marinated and waxed poetic on the subject of real estate. It's not clear why this is news. Cypress Hill has been talking about the real estate since the 90s. Attendees got to hear Russell Simmons, Ludacris and Young Jeezy (?) discuss the importance of home ownership and keeping your ends right.

If Big Daddy Kane is telling me "romance without finance is a damn nuisance", I'll listen. However it'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missoura or I ask a rapper how to "diversify my bonds". If you doubt me, check Aaliyah Mitchell.

One of those who attended, Aaliyah Mitchell, 24, said, "I'm certainly going to benefit from this."

Mitchell, a former student at Clark Atlanta who now attends a tech school, added, "With stars like Russell Simmons and Ludacris speaking to us, who don't understand about purchasing a home, I think we'll have more understanding now."

I can't wait to see what Lil Wayne, Master P and MC Hammer have to say on the matter. "You see what you need to be comprehendin' is that the next big thang is grillz and platinum tanks, nucka." Yes, Percy. Yes indeed. Luda may talk about real estate at forums but he's keeping his real goldmine under wraps. Different hoes in different area codes. Now that's diversification.

If I have to go to rappers for financial advice, there's only one place I'm going:

What's Plaxico Burress doing? Whatever the fuck he wants to.

Larry Johnson Is Free To Keep His Pimp Hand Strong

Larry Johnson popping cork (presumably in a woman's face)

Where to start with LJ. This post was going to be all about the reasons for his suspension yesterday but we can hardly keep up with his woman abusing ways. Let's deal with the suspension then get to his latest incident. Maybe we'll also discuss how I forgot to bench LJ in my fantasy league this week.

The Kansas City Star reported that LJ was suspended for continually showing up late and missing team meetings. It had nothing to do with the February incident where he pushed a woman down in da club. Apparently beating down women doesn't warrant a suspension in Herm Edwards book but don't you show up late for one of his meetings. How else will you will learn how to blow a game?

Several outlets are reporting that LJ was involved in another nightclub incident over the Chiefs' bye week with another woman. Mike Florio says sources claim that he spit on the woman. Maybe he should get some credit for restraint since he didn't use his hands.

All reports say that the NFL will suspend Johnson. The only question is how long. Maybe Carl Peterson figured he could take the Jerry Jones approach by pretending there was nothing to see. Fail. Don't they realize that he'll have even more time to cruise the clubs and find new ways to abuse women? There is an upside to his pending suspension. Fantasy owners including myself will be spared the agony and stress of not knowing which LJ is going to show up week to week. How can he go 22, 121, 198 then 2? That's bullshit.

Where In The World Is Pacman Jones?

Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego used to be one of my favorite computer games when I was a kid. I used to play the fuck out of that game. A kids show based on the game was created years later but I had no time for that. However I would have time for an updated version based on Pacman Jones. Is he at the strip club?

"Damn! Look at them titties!!"

"You’re getting warmer!"

Is he at the Hooters? Is he feeding the children? Is he in the hotel bathroom?

I'm not kidding. Where is Pacman? If you know, please let the Cowboys know because they can't find him. Pro Football Talk reports that the team has been unable to reach Pacman and no one seems to know where he is or what he's doing.

Pacman's not around and he's still causing trouble for people. WFAA in Dallas brings news that there could be fallout from the police report which was thought not to exist but now seems to be missing key details from last Tuesday night's follies.

Jerry Jones might want to check Pacman's car to see if he's crying inside. I mean I'm sure he's crying inside because he's a sensitive thug but he could also be literally shedding tears as well. An officer observed Pacman "getting upset as he cried" while sitting in a car following the fight. It also appears that the police were there before the incident started, not after as indicated in the initial report.

This should end well for all parties involved. Like Chris Henry, no one could have seen this coming.

Terry Bowden says Tommy Bowden had it coming.

Everyone in Michigan thinks Rich Rodriguez has it coming. The Les Miles Countdown Clock is a nice touch.

Duff McKagan Drops Some Sports Knowledge Like Girls Be Droppin' Babies

Former Guns N' Roses bassist Duff McKagan has a weekly column in the Seattle Reader. In this week's column, McKagan lets us know how he really feels on all things Seattle sports.

On the Sonics move to OKC: "I’m sorry, that move was utter bullshit. If anyone reading thinks that Seattle didn’t need the Sonics because of ticket costs or new arena bond issues, they should maybe go ask Seattle-area hotels and restaurants what THEY think."

On the Mariners: "The Mariners’ ownership is based in another country and can’t really be bothered with anything other than the bottom line."

McKagan also has an interesting tidbit about Tony LaRussa.

"I ran into Tony LaRussa at one of my gigs last spring and he was dismayed that the Mariners had passed him over a few months earlier.
“They passed you over?!” I exclaimed.
"Yeah, it’s too bad, I would have loved the gig."
Tony LaRussa had just won a World Series with the Cardinals! We need some good management, and I hope they do the right thing this off-season. If not, I suggest we all boycott. Shit, Sweet Lou left because management wasn’t allowing him to do his thing as he saw fit.

On the Huskies: "...the Huskies football squad looks like a junior college squad"

Don't even get him started on the Seahawks. What's Duff's solution to Seattle's sports woes? Let sports radio personalities take over the teams for a week and in the meantime, abandon ship.

So I have started to root for other teams. I like the Brett Favre story, so I will pull for the Jets. They are winning and that is fun. The Red Sox have been my backup MLB team since the Bill Buckner era (hey, that dude was a solid player). College football? How about Toledo—my wife is from there, so why not? The NBA? I have soured on the NBA and refuse to watch. On second thought, Ray Allen is with the Celtics, and he gave his all for the Sonics.

It's that kind of attitude that makes Velvet Revolver suck as much as it does. Did he mentally abandon ship when he realized that they had no business sucking considering the makeup of the group?

Tony LaRussa would have considered leaving the Cards for the Mariners if he had been offered the job? He was passed over for the job? Who knew Mike Holmgren was also GM of the Mariners?

I Have No Idea What Is Happening Here

It looks like I picked the wrong time to quit sniffing glue. This video is one of reasons why I love the internet. This guy has, for the past 2 years, been making NFL picks with the assistance of 2 puppets, a live cat, a horrible impersonation of someone (this week its Michael Caine for some reason) and a tangentially related slideshow going on behind him. It is one of the most surreal things I have ever seen, but at 4am in the morning...i'm considering taking his advice...although his lines are off. Washington is -7.5 right now and Green Bay is +1.5 in case you were interested in that sorta thing. I do think that because no one else is giving this guy any exposure at all, and he's been doing it for 2 years now, I might have to stick this insane crap on the site every week so the stoner contingent can get a good chuckle. Smoke up boys and girls.

Chris Chelios Won't Let Defcupgate Die

Good thing Chris Chelios wasn't around when Joe Elliott of Def Leppard put the Stanley Cup upside down. Elliott would have "got dealt with" Bart Scott style.

Chelios is convinced that Elliott knew what he was doing when he placed the cup upside down. He told JJ & Lynne of WCZX in Detroit, "Someone should have drove that guy, he did that on purpose."

J.J.: "You think he did it on purpose?"

"No, we know he did ... we talked to people at the show and the guy was being real rude to everybody," Chelios said. "He was in a bad mood when they got there, so for whatever reason he didn't want to be there. And that's his way of showing it and taking it out on the NHL. ...

Lynne: "Do you think [Kyle] Quincey would have really popped him?"

"No I don't know if he would have popped him, but he could have gave him a good shove," Cheli said.

The old man is taking this a little too personal. He's probably trying to pump up his team and get the crowd going. Someone should tell him it's probably not worth his time if he's not on the ice. I didn't listen to the interview but I'm pretty sure that he also called out Dokken for insulting his mother and Mr. Big for wanting to be with him even though he's "not like that".

Forrest Griffin gives a quality interview.

Roy Williams was so happy to get out of Detroit, he went out and partied like a rock star.

Dick Butkus Doesn't Like The Cut of Pacman's Jib

Don't make this old man angry...you won't like him when he's angry!

WTF Was That Last Night?

I've got no horse in the MLB playoffs right now, my team lost 102 games this season, so I, the impartial viewer, just have this to say about last night...what the f$@!k was that? How does a team up 7-0 blow a lead like that? The Tampa Bay Rays might have a hard time recovering from a choke job of that kind of proportions. A 3-1 series lead, just 3 innings to the world series, and a 7-0 lead turns to a 3-2 series lead and all the momentum flowing the Red Sox way. After the numerous beat downs Tampa had put on the Sox, I thought this game was a mere formality, but now, this series just got interesting!

Rosario Central President Will Kill To Stay Up

Rosario Central President Horacio Usandizaga tells team supporters that he'll kill the team if they get relegated.

"Central are going to get out of this situation," he said. "We are going to move forward. We are going to kill the players, coaching staff and anyone else."

Now that's a leader. This should go over well with the players.

Eric Godard Uses Riley Cote's Head As A Speed Bag

Here's some quality fight action from last night when the Flyers visited the Penguins for a friendly game of hockey.

Eddie McGee Is A Maniac On The Floor

Eddie McGee's just a small town QB on a Saturday night, lookin' for the fight of his life. In the real-time world no one sees him at all, they all say he's crazy. They just don't understand the life of a Fighting Illini QB. Just ask Jeff George.

McGee, a backup QB at Illinois, was arrested on Saturday for knocking a woman down at a homecoming dance. The altercation started when a fight broke out at the dance. Someone poked McGee in the eye so he lashed out and pushed the woman in question. When she pushed him back, he laid her out.

It appears McGee will be able to avoid charges by going through a diversion program. He should consider forming a support group with Larry Johnson and Plaxico Burress.

Colleges still have homecoming dances? Was it a sock hop? Did they go out for banana splits after the dance? McGee must have looked great in his Ritchie Cunningham cardigan with the I on the chest.

Antawn Jamison And Oleksiy Pecherov Argue Over Russian Sandwiches

Antawn Jamison hate him some Russian samiches. Oleksiy Pecherov isn't having it.



Etan Thomas should write a poem about the glory of Russian sandwiches and just squash this beef with eloquence. It's good to know that Jamison has been to Yugoslavia. Rumor has it that his next foreign trip will be to Rhodesia or French Indochina.

God Blessed Brandon Lloyd Like A Hut 2?

Aw shucks. Bears receiver Brandon Lloyd has no problem admitting that sensitive thugs need hugs too. Apparently "they don't love him like you do when they hug him".

B. Lloyd is "throwing pies in hater's faces" and spitting game at the ladies on his new single "She All Mine" which features Bobby Valentino.



Unlike other athletes-cum-rappers, B. Lloyd is all about being the sensitive playa while keeping his game tight like a virgin if you will.

"'She All Mine' is about a man who feels that his relationship with his lady is about more than the lovemaking." Lloyd said in a statement. "I knew Bobby Valentino's voice would be a perfect fit for the song and he blessed me by being willing to grace the song of an up-and-coming artist. Not everyone is willing to do that."

R. Kelly took time out from pissing on a schoolgirl to laugh at B. Lloyd's silly notions about love. I guess that makes him better than Musiq Soulchild who seems to think he can get the girl by going into the friend zone. Great strategery.

His album Masters of Ceremony, which is complete according to his website, will be out in February of next year. You can pick up the single on iTunes. You know George Michael loves him some B. Lloyd and probably picked the new hotness the day it was released.

I don't know if this measures up to Dana Barros, Cedric Ceballos and Sadat X. Who knows if he ranks with Shaq, Prime Time or Tony P? He seems to think so. Wrappin' up your dome like Osama as one does.




Via Black Voices

Def Leppard Uses The Steve Urkel Defense

Def Leppard's Joe Elliott is blaming the NHL for putting the Stanley Cup upside down.

"...Someone at the NHL should have known better and informed me first instead of keeping the Stanley Cup under lock and key until the last minute. The practice run the day before with a coffeemaker went swimmingly because it, like every other sporting cup I've ever seen, was wider at the top than the base. Ironic isn't it that after that night's gig, a NHL insider told me that long ago the Stanley Cup was also designed to be put down that way!!! Like most of my fellow Brits, I'd never seen it before until it was handed to me sideways by which time I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right. Whoops......"

We'll give him a pass this time. The Brits aren't used to getting trophies. At least he didn't blame the "greasy Mexicans" this time.

Rock-A-Bye, Baby. This Bully Won't Remember Homeroom

Let us know you're fans of Deuce of Davenport by clicking this new "follow" feature there on the upper part of the right column. Do it, we need validation.

EDIT: Yea, doesnt seem to be workin for us yet...i've taken it down for now. Good to see people wanna click on it tho

Why We Fight In The NHL

If you've ever wondered why there are fights in the NHL, Adam Burish of the Chicago Blackhawks has an answer for you.

Imagine going into the office and your supervisor, who nobody likes, gives you and your co-workers a project that you know is just busy work but is important to get done, but nobody is to excited to do it. The next thing you know is you look over and your buddy is beating up your supervisor. Once he's done beating him up, I'll guarantee you will all be excited and go get that job done with a smile on your face.

Nuff said. Let's make today Office Fight Day. See if they really work as a morale booster.