Happy Bacon-Wrapped Turducken Day, Baby

Hopefully you're in a food coma or drinking yourself into Bolivian. We weren't going to post anything until Monday but our visual palates need to be cleansed after that disaster of a halftime show imposed on us during the Seahawks-Cowboys game by the NFL. Blind rage barely begins to describe the feeling running through me as I watched a bunch of screaming girls cheer on the Jonas Brothers. This is how post office and factory shootings start. I couldn't find the remote so I started hoping that my face would melt like Toht's in Raiders of the Lost Ark. No such luck. I was left shaking my fist with impotent rage. Not that I'm impotent, ladies. I'm all man. Please believe me!

You, my friend, could use some fun after the unpleasantness. Big fun. This video brilliance should help you start coping with what took place this afternoon at Texas Stadium. Don't forget it. Never forget it. Santayana was right. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. There are so many reasons why this video is amazing. Try Telly Savalas, smoking and Howard Cosell for starters.



For the hundredth time, someone needs to put us on to where we can get some Players Club cards.

College football scholarship? Interesting. I'll see that and raise you motorcycle school. Top-rated college football recruit turns back on offers from schools such as Pitt and South Carolina to go to motorcycle school. “I used to love football, but I’m tired of it. I’ve got other interests now.”

Floyd Mayweather Jr.: A Step Above Pacman Jones

Talk about ignant. For once, we're not talking about Pacman. We talkin' Floyd "Money" Mayweather, playboy. The temporarily retired boxer learned one or two things from the clusterfuck that was Black Super Bowl weekend in Vegas when Pacman and his crew shot up the club when making it rain went wrong.

Sandra Rose has footage of Mayweather making it rain in an Atlanta nightclub. "Floyd Mayweather emptied two Louis Vuitton bags full of cash into the crowd at a packed Dreamz nightclub in Atlanta last night. The IRS estimates about $30,000 was thrown."



At least Money knew better than to carry the bills in garbage bags. Fortunately for the ladies, no one's head was bounced off the stage. He was scheduled to drop $100K with Lil' Jermaine Dupri the following night at Pure. He did his part by raining $50,000 on the crowd. Unfortunately we don't have video of that.

Question. Did the Price is Right start the whole making it rain phenomenon?

Tracy McGrady Doing Good In The Global Neighborhood

Time to cleanse the athletic palate after that "ignance". Someone might want to tell LeBron James to talk to Tracy McGrady about getting involved. Ira Newble didn't have much luck but maybe McGrady can do better.

The Daily News has an interesting piece about McGrady's visit to Darfur where he was able to get a first-hand view of the effects of genocide. He followed up his visit with an initiative to link American and African schools and "modernize education in war zones".

It's great to see ballers getting involved whether it's in their community or other places of need instead of thinking "the Chinese buy shoes too". Maybe we'll cut T-Mac some slack the next time he gets injured which should be right about.....now. We kid. We kid. Here's some video of him discussing his initiative.



Incidentally, LeBron said the criticism of him for not signing Newble's letter to the Chinese government was unwarranted. He said he was going to get the word out about the Darfur situation after learning more about it. Don't wait up. If it's not the shoe companies, it's the NBA keeping dissent down. Just ask Etan Thomas and Craig Hodges.

Someone shouldn't be forced to become a spokesman and activist for every injustice out there because of their prominence but there's a big difference between being outspoken and signing a letter. The people around LeBron do him no favors by telling him to keep his head down in the sand. There is a balance that can be achieved in protecting one's financial interests and taking a stand where the right side is clear. There are also many ways to take a stand or make a statement without being in the forefront of an issue if there's a great deal at stake personally or financially. He's still young. Hopefully he'll figure that out sooner than later.

Legends And Losers Take Their Shots At The Eagles

You could call this a professional version of Pros vs. Joes where the pros and joes join forces and takes on the Philadelphia Eagles. It's unlikely Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb are going to catch a break the rest of the season especially if they keep finding new and pathetic ways to lose. It's becoming more likely by the week that this could be McNabb's last season in an Eagles uniform. One also has to question that job status of Reid whose playcalling in recent games could only be rivaled by Rich Kotite and Jerry Glanville.


Former Eagle great Vai Sikahema let Reid have it like Jose Canseco over the benching of McNabb. He equated the benching to a break up by text message. Don't ask Boris Becker about that. He's still sore.

"...Getting benched at halftime isn't the same as dissolving a marriage, but in football terms, it's often the first step to a final separation."

No doubt about that. Even if McNabb finishes the season, it's hard to see him coming back into the same situation or a new system with a new coach. He needs a fresh start. In the meantime, the least Reid could do is respect the guy who has given his body for the cause as Sikahema says.

Not everyone feels for McNabb like the Goalpost Killer. Joe the NFL Bust couldn't wait to throw his former QB under the bus. Freddie Mitchell better known to you and me as FredEx blames McNabb for the Disaster At The Linc. He refused to answer questions about McNabb directly but made it clear that he thinks Reid is an "amazing coach" and McNabb is to blame for all the Eagles' problems and his own failures in football.

Did he see this coming, specifically with McNabb?

"Well I mean, when you're in that environment and you see the intricacies of what's going on and the plays and stuff like that and what's not being produced, it was hard for me not to say something. ... My situation was pretty bad because I had to pick... go for what was wrong or go for what was right...T.O., a lot of people don't like him but he was totally in the right."

Did Reid coddle McNabb too much?

"There was a lot of breast milk out there."

Mitchell continued and said that if a choice has to be made between McNabb and Reid, Reid should be retained. Of course there's no mention of Reid's brilliant 4th and short calls. He also claims that McNabb was to blame for their lack of a relationship and his lack of improvement as a receiver.

Sheil Kapadia has more bitching and conspiracy theories from FredEx's radio interview such as he and Barry Bonds are blackballed martyrs. Everyone else thinks he should be playing even though he never did anything when he did. He calls T.O., Corell Buckhalter and Brian Westbrook every week. It probably hasn't crossed his mind that they tell him that he should be playing so he'll get off the phone faster if they accidentally answer. Maybe he should form a support group with all the mediocre receivers from the McNabb era. They can sit around, drink coffee and complain how it's his fault they aren't in the NFL or Hall of Fame.

This Would Never Happen To Ed Hochuli

One or two NSFW words in video clip



"I sent a person off for violent conduct and he's taken exception to that. He didn't like it. I showed the red card, turned away and suddenly 'bump' I am on the floor."

Bump? More like you got knocked the fuck out. Referee Andy Parker got way more than he bargained for when he sent St. Andrews FC midfielder Joey Bar..I mean Joe Preston off with a red card. Preston left the field only to come back on and knock Parker unconscious with a punch that broke his jaw.

Preston was suspended by the local FA branch and the police are looking into the incident.

St Andrews joint manager Darren Bradley said: "We don't condone Joe's actions and he will never play for the club again after this, but he is completely gutted and he can't believe what he did.

"I think the whole place was stunned. The lad was genuinely distraught.

"He's had a lot of pressure on his mind. What I do know is that he's taken himself to the doctor to get help with anger management."

Pressure on his mind? It's not David Bowie's best song but it's certainly not his worst. It's definitely not bad enough to make one resort to violence. Now Live and the Barenaked Ladies will make a man go berzerker.

Preston, to his credit if you can say that, gave an apology that would make Michael Vick proud.

"The referee didn't deserve what happened to him. I had no right to do what I did. I am writing him a letter apologising for my action.

"I don't think I could tell him face to face, as I am ashamed of myself. He was just doing his job and I was completely out of order."

Woof woof. I bet Preston didn't grab Parker's hair when he punched him. That's for bitch ass Patriots.

Never Trust Ze Germans

A-Rod's Got Woman Problems

Who ya got? Daily News or the Post? It's ragtime at the Deuce. Which one do you believe and which one of his ladies is on the rag?

The Daily News is reporting that A-Rod's in danger of getting kicked to the curb because he's not interested in becoming a super Jew. Skeletor's pissed because he blew off an introductory Kabbalah class.

"This is certainly off-putting to Madonna," said the source.

If he had any sense, he'd run before it was too late. However if you listen to the Post, the only thing he's running away from are his kids.

Page Six reports (and we use the term lightly) that A-Rod is blowing off his kids to spend Thanksgiving with Skeletor and her horde. He's hosting her and her kids at his place. When reached for comment, Travis Henry asked, "What the problem is?". Needless to say, his ex Cynthia is pissed.

To be a fly on the wall when Madonna throws the turkey at him for not being Kabbalah-approved and calls him a soft-ass bitch while she's railing him like a champ. It's not good to cry in front of the kids. They'll never respect him. Hopefully he'll invite Menudo to the dinner as well. Wait until they get the roofie turkey.

I was going to write more but I'm already bored with this story. I can only imagine what all five readers are thinking.

Barry Bonds Will Bust A Cap In Your Wildlife Carbon Barrel Style

Barry Bonds isn't too radioactive for everyone. He's still good enough to drop Canadian Whitetail and sell guns for Christensen Arms which specializes in carbon barreled rifles. The company has also been "a bright star in the onslaught of outdoor television programming". Rifles will certainly help with any onslaught.

I don't get the big deal about hunting but I've never done it. Bonds says the hunt "gets his blood pumping". I know what else gets his blood pumping. Poetry. He hearts it. What did you think I was going to say?

Bonds is actually an avid hunter.

When a federal grand jury in San Francisco indicted Bonds last year on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for allegedly lying about steroids use, Bonds wasn't around - he was off hunting in Colorado.

Hopefully we'll get footage of him doing some big game hunting in Africa. Maybe I should approach Christensen with my idea for big game skeet shooting. Imagine being in Tanganyika or Rhodesia and shooting at elephants, rhinos and other large mammals shot out of a cannon while yelling "Pull!" and wearing a pith helmet. It doesn't get much better than that, old man.

Are ramen noodles another Pearl Harbor waiting to happen?

Agent Zero Thinks The Wizards' Season Should Take A Dirt Nap

There's something to be said for tanking the season for the upcoming draft. Usually that's a good move if your team isn't fighting for the 8 seed with a few games left in the season. It's another to advocate throwing the season 11 games into the season.

"I don't want to see them struggle," [Gilbert] Arenas said yesterday at Madame Tussauds, where his wax figure was unveiled, "but if this is one of those years where we don't make the playoffs or we finish in last place ... that's what happened to San Antonio and that's how they got Tim Duncan and look at them now ... and that's for the better."

Maybe Zero's just trying to be positive about a bad situation but it's a bit early to talk about tanking. Hopefully he'll do his part and not play at all this season. Then again he couldn't come back and mess up the chemistry because there is none.

Things are a mess and there isn't much hope on the immediate horizon. JaVale McGee has shown quality but for every positive, there's a negative. It's becoming more obvious by the day that Andray Blatche is much better at soliciting prostitutes than he is at playing basketball or spelling Andre. The only thing that's different is Etan Thomas. Poems and hope don't block shots or get rebounds. I never thought I'd miss Brendan Haywood but it's clear that Thomas is a paper champion. The lack of consistency probably hurts too. The upside for the team is that they play in the Eastern Conference so they should still make the playoffs even if they try to avoid them. Sorry, Zero.

Michael Jackson converts to Islam. I don't think those are the 72 virgins he's looking for.

Aaron Rodgers Ain't Got Nuthin' On Kyle Boller

The ascent of Shane Falco and injured reserve have relegated Ravens backup QB Kyle Boller to has-been status. He's probably played his last game in a Ravens uniform but that hasn't stopped him getting his swerve on.



Boller was shakin' that ass at the 2008 Gridiron Sing-Off which raises money for charity. It's surprising that he didn't fall over or fumble the mic. The rest of the Ravens gave the crowd their best (or worst depending how you feel about it). I suffered through it so why shouldn't you?



Boyz II Men and Johnny Gill never sounded so good. Not good meaning good. Good meaning bad. Maybe I'd feel differently if someone dropped some Color Me Badd or Eddie Murphy.

Irony lost on idiots. Jews jailed for Neo-Nazi attacks in Israel. Forced to eat triple cheeseburgers in prison.

Many Men Enter, Jimmy Connors Leave

Is Jimmy Connors gonna have to choke a bitch?

Jimmy Connors should consider himself lucky that he was arrested on Friday night. Master Blaster wouldn't have been as forgiving if he entered the Thunderdome. Others have been killed for less.

Connors was arrested outside UCSB's basketball arena otherwise known as the Thunderdome. He refused to leave the front of the building after being told to leave by police after "a confrontation".

A UC Santa Barbara employee said Conners got into a scuffle with a larger man before the two entered the area. Conners never made it inside. Witnesses said the friction between Conners and the other person actually began with some “elbow throwing” by the ticket booths, and words were exchanged.

Jimmy Connors knows Muay Thai? That must have been one hell of a fight. Fortunately for you, we found a recreation of the confrontation that led to his arrest. We assure you that things went down exactly as portrayed in the video.



If Connors doesn't get you with his mouth or racket dick, he'll get you with them 'bows.

Eating donkeys and a homeless Tractor Traylor. Just another day coaching in the Chinese Basketball Association.

Carlos Tevez's Mom Visits Manchester United Training Ground

American Tomato Can Disgraces Homeland In Europe

Monte Barrett assumes the position.

Monte "Two Gunz" Barrett should have his passport taken away like he's out on bail. We can't have boxers traveling abroad and embarrassing us. Midwestern tourists already have that covered. He may be 34-7 with 20 knockouts but he's got a whole lotta nuthin' when it comes to fighting ranked boxers. He valiantly served as a punching bag for fighters such as Wladmir Klitschko, Joe Mesi, Hasim Rahman and boar killa Nikolay Valuev who eats three kilos of meat a day.

Two Gunz traveled to London to fight David "The Hayemaker" Haye at the O2 Arena and hilarity ensued in more ways than one. The fight hadn't started before he started making a fool of himself and his country. First the one of the greatest ring entrances of all time.



Does that count as a knockdown? Barrett's amazing entrance was a sign of things to come. If you count the ring entrance, he went down six times before realizing that he should probably stay down like a $2 whore.



The clip is almost 10 minutes but it's worth watching for Barrett's windmill style. It's surprising that he didn't close his eyes like a kid on the playground when he was throwing all those wild punches. You have to appreciate a man who's willing to do whatever it takes to win. Punching Haye after a slip at 2:30 in the 5th was cold but Revenge was not long in coming.

It wasn't a good week for American boxers vs. the British. Maybe we should stick to fighting the Mexicans and Irish. Speaking of Mexicans, I just found out that Manny Pacquiao is nicknamed the Mexican Killer. Now that's a man after Lou Dobbs' heart.


Video from The Guardian

Michigan Is Michigan Tech. Michigan Tech Is Michigan

It just keeps getting better for Michigan and Rich Rodriguez haters. Michigan keeps losing, RichRod is losing his cool, players are making noise about leaving and former players are dissing their alma mater on the record.

Former Michigan star and Heisman Trophy winner Desmond Howard laid the wood to Rodriguez and the Michigan program on a Columbus radio show this past Monday.

Question: In your post-Michigan career, have you ever dreaded a Michigan-Ohio State game more than this one?

Howard: "That would be the popular thinking after watching them lose eight games this season, and the way they've lost some of those games. I made a comment (Sunday) on our show that it's not like they were trying to learn a spread offense (as much as) like they were trying to learn how to play football in some of those games, they looked so bad. This isn't Michigan, this is like Michigan Tech.

Howard went on to say that he saw their potential for mediocrity before the season started. He also thought their bowl streak would be in jeopardy.

RichRod (or DickRod to West Virginia fans) could lose the fans and his job if things don't get better next year. However he says Desmond and the rest of the Michigan faithful need to get a life. There are things that are more important in life. He should know since he's obviously not focused on football. Alabama head coach Nick Saban suggests looking for a new employer and making them buy you out.

Well That's Random

You're at your high school pep rally waiting for some modern-day Fonz to hilariously break it up with some hijinks like throwing the thumbs up or jumping a shark when Will Smith and Tony Romo show up.

The screams were ear-splitting when movie star Will Smith and Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo entered the Lake Highlands gynasium for a surprise pep rally visit.

The pep rally was for the school's state-bound volleyball team and bi-district champion football team, but Smith stopped by during his swing through Dallas promoting his new movie, "Seven Pounds." The star said it was his first visit to a high school in years.

We're not sure why Romo was tagging along, but none of the stunned students were complaining. They were too busy screaming and snapping pictures.

Nice to see Romo getting love from the Dallas papers although it's easy to see why they'd question his presence. Questions about him being with Will Smith have to be asked when he rolls with D-listers who play county fairs like Jessica Simpson.

Both gave "up with hope, down with dope"-type speeches. Smith talked about having goals and stuff while Romo spoke about his improbable rise to Dallas Cowboys starter. I think they ended the appearance with a jumping high five.

The picture above is from the pep rally. It has a Zapruder-ish quality to it. It's difficult to tell whether that's the Fresh Prince or not. It could be Benson for all we know.

The Curse Of The Firecrotch Jumps The Pond

Far be it for us to criticize someone for enjoying the sauce. Some of our "best" work has been done after enjoying numerous macrobrews. However we would think twice if we were Liverpool's Jermaine Pennant. Actually we wouldn't think at all because he's a dumbass.

Pennant is determined not to play top flight soccer anymore. That can be the only explanation for getting caught boozing in front of Faces nightclub in the name of Lindsay Lohan. He's already spent time in jail and worn an ankle bracelet due to incidents caused by his "amateur night" drinking. He was pictured taking hits from a bottle of Jack outside the Essex club last Sunday. The Daily Mail reports that he was there due to the appearance of the Firecrotch. He's already on thin ice with Rafa Benitez and now it may be impossible to move him to a different club. Who the hell wants this disaster on their hands?

This incident is minor compared to when Pennant was arrested for drunk driving and gave the police the name of his former teammate, Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up. He does wrong even when he tries to do right like the time he fell over piss drunk in a pizza place trying to break up a fight.

Pennant is almost out of chances. He's a perennial benchwarmer and reports say that Benitez has run out of patience with his lifestyle and lack of ambition. He's blocked moves to other Premiership teams and shows no effort in trying to earn his keep at Anfield. Interested clubs will probably back off after seeing he's learned nothing from past incidents even though he's been given chance after chance. Hopefully he'll like playing for lower league teams like Norwich or Coventry. It's hard to see another Premiership team taking a shot on him. Worse comes to worse, he can go work for his dad Gary at his crack and heroin den.

Pennant probably wouldn't have been at the club if Lohan wasn't there. Even when she's playing lesbian, Lohan is still figuratively fucking men. Brilliant!

Cougar Country Ain't No Joke

From Page Six:

METS hottieDavid Wright is a charitable guy, but at his annual fund-raiser the other night, he was the one in need of some help. A spy at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square for his "Do the Wright Thing" event watched in shock as Wright was "mobbed by a swarm of trashy-looking cougars. Middle-age women with bad '80s hair were practically pushing down little kids who were trying to get baseballs signed." Wright was overheard pleading, "Ladies, calm down! Please, relax."

A-Rod probably got upset at missing out on the cougars but quickly realized they were too young for him.

Phil Jackson Is An Evil Genius

So let me get this straight because I'm a bit confused. Shaq never had any problems with Kobe. That whole feud was made up like a wrestling feud. According to him, Phil is the Vince McMahon of the NBA.

"I think it was all designed by Phil," he said. "Because, if you think about it, Phil never called us into the office and said, `Both of you, shut the (heck) up.' Never did that in four years. He knew that when I read something, I was going to get upset. And he knew Kobe was going to always come out and play hard.

Phil was the one who told Kobe to sell Shaq out to the police in Colorado? The Kobe-Shaq feud was created to motivate the team? That's some evil genius shit right there. He might as well sit on the bench petting a white cat while throwing Chris Mihm out on the floor and laughing to himself.

Big Aristotle must think no one was paying attention to his last season with the Lakers or his first season with the Heat. Let's run down the list of Kobe disses with a bit of help from Shaq Quotes.

“My personal opinion is, how, if you never hung out with somebody, do you know them so well? I never hung out with that dude because the dude is a weirdo.”

“Let’s put it in old movie Mafia terms. There are guys that are in position to get by but they didn’t wait their turn. They back-doored the top guy to get the power. For example, Sonny Corleone went up there, and he wanted to be the top guy. And the Godfather said, ‘You know what dude, I’m a star.’ That’s what I’m doing now, and that’s what I was trying to do with what’s-his-name.”

“I’m not the one buying love. He’s the one buying love.” (On a ring – reportedly costing several million dollars – that Kobe Bryant bought for his wife, Vanessa, after he was charged with felony sexual assault.)

ESPN: Do you ever see the day where it would be possible for you to sit down, have a talk with Kobe Bryant?
SHAQ: Who?
ESPN: Kobe Bryant.
SHAQ: You know what I am not familiar with that name, I know a lot of names and I have a lot of names in my head, but I am not familiar with that name. Especially if there is nothing to talk about, I’m sorry I can’t recall that name.

“Kobe always tried to be a hero. But you know, as the saying goes, a hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich.”

Nah, no beef here. Shaq's revisionism puts my freshman PASCAL professor to shame. Did I mention that he was a Holocaust denier? Seriously he was.

"Now that I look back on it, that (stuff) was kind of fun," he said. "It really was. It was kind of fun. `What did he say, what did he say?' I tell people if we would have had a reality show, we'd have had the No. 1 reality show in the world.

"It was fun. It was actually fun. (Assistant coach Brian) Shaw would be, `Oh, man, why did you say that?' And then Karl (Malone) would be like, `Yo, that was (messed) up what you said,' then we'd try to outdo each other in the game.

Too bad no one told Kobe he was in on the joke.

This has to be a joke. The Roots are rumored to be the house band for Jimmy Fallon. Professor Griff is rolling in his grave. He's dead, right?

Mr. Slinky: Wrong For You, Wrong For Cleveland

Mr. Slinky is disturbing yet I can't take my eyes off of him. We were trying to figure out Mr. Slinky's true identity. My money's on Tarence Kinsey. He might as well make himself useful since he's not doing anything on the court. I secretly hope it's Brad Daugherty.

How About A Nice Warm Glass Of STFU?

I saw Back to School and Jeremy Trueblood is no Rodney Dangerfield. However it's easy to see why he can't get no respect. You know it's bad when the refs treat you like like your name is Stan.

An interesting sidenote from the Bucs-Vikings game this past weekend. While protesting a penalty call, Trueblood got a little more than he expected from the ref.

RT Jeremy Trueblood thought he was justified in leveling LB Chad Greenway during a scrape in the first quarter, even though Trueblood was called for a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty. "They hadn't blown the whistle yet, and they were stripping the ball away from (Warrick Dunn)," Trueblood said. "So, I go knock the guy down. I asked the (official), 'How do I know that if the ball flies out, you're not going to call a fumble because there was no whistle.' He looked at me and said, 'I know I was a little late on the whistle. I'm working on it.' I told him, 'I hope you know you just killed our drive.' He told me to, 'Shut the (expletive) up.' Are (officials) allowed to talk to players like that?"

They're allowed to do way more than that. Ask a Steelers fan. What's come over NFL referees this season? Robbing teams of wins. Telling players to shut the fuck up. The zebras are getting a bit gangsta. If Trueblood isn't careful, he may end up with a game check fine for questioning the integrity of referees and a horse head in his bed.

Notre Dame And Charlie Weis Deserve Each Other More Than Ever

Don't act like a small (or large) part of you didn't smile or nod with approval when Charlie Weis was dropped like a sack of potatoes during the Michigan-Notre Dame game. Let's relive one of the few Michigan highlights from their wonderfully expensive failure of a season.



Perhaps some of you simply enjoy seeing horrific injuries and people in pain. Most of you probably harbor some sense that Weis is a douchebag and he had it coming. Everyone's a big winner today. It's official. He excels at being an asshole.

When [Jeannette Coach Ray] Reitz told Weis that [Terrelle] Pryor might attend a USC quarterbacks camp, he remembers Weis replying: "Why send him there? If he's with me for one day he'll be good, two days he'll be great and three days he'll be incredible."

Later, unprompted, Weis asked the Jeannette coaches if they wanted to take a picture of his Super Bowl ring. "I did it, just to be polite, and then gave [the picture] to one of the kids," Reitz recalled.

..."Here's the best part," Reitz recalled. "He says to Terrelle: 'Call me tomorrow at 6. I'll be watching where Brady Quinn gets drafted.' "

Pryor never called. He chose Ohio State.

Weis is so good at being a jackass that former players and alums remember Gerry Faust with fondness when compared to him because "he was a nice guy".

Weis celebrated barely beating Navy on Saturday as though he won the Fiesta Bowl. Congratulations on making a bowl. If that's all Notre Dame wanted, mission accomplished. As pointed out by Teddy Greenstein and numerous others, Weis' best season was with Tyrone Willingham's players and their records are comparable. His players are nothing special and there's no reason to think there will be significant improvement next season.

Notre Dame has no one to blame but itself for the sham that is the Charlie Weis era so far. He received an absurd contract extension without the results to back it up. It couldn't wait to bend over for him and now it would look stupid canning him especially after George O'Leary and Willingham who most agree was given the shaft. Make no mistake. The school isn't getting rid of Weis due to the contract despite what they say. Let's not even talk about the money they would owe him.

Notre Dame fell for the three Super Bowl ring monte and Terrelle Pryor didn't. That tells you everything you need to know about Notre Dame football. At this rate, even hoodlums and thugs wouldn't play for Weis. So far his tenure is failure for a program as storied as Notre Dame and it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.

Yes we can? No you can't. Fail.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does Play In Philadelphia

Has it come to this? Donovan McNabb is proving Bernard "The Executioner"Hopkins right. It was only last week that Bernard Hopkins called out McNabb for being weak and "crumbling under pressure".

"Some people are athletes, still good, but don’t have that extra ‘I’m willing to sacrifice my life. I’m willing to sacrifice what I have to sacrifice to win.’ … People never forgot when things happen, they see a guy crumble under pressure. Whether they throw up on the highway, whether they throw up on the court, whether they throw up on the football field, when people see that, that sticks in the back of their mind."

Hopkins continued: "Every athlete should have that killer instinct in him, especially if you the quarterback… If he’s not right here and here [pointing to heart and head], and don’t want it, the team feel the vibes…"

McNabb didn't do himself any favors yesterday leading the Eagles to a tie against the Bengals with four interceptions. The topper came in the postgame press conference when he admitted that he didn't know ties were possible in the NFL.



Talk about not being right in the head. How could McNabb not know that games can end in ties? How long has he been in the league? How could he not know the rules? Let's put his lack of knowledge about the basic rules aside for a moment. It's not like anyone else on the Eagles knew what time it was.

"To be honest, I didn't know there wasn't going to be another overtime," [safety Quintin] Mikell said. "I didn't know it was going to be a tie. I was kind of happy. I thought we were going to get another overtime. After I realized it was a tie, I was pretty ticked off. I felt we should have come in and won this game. That's a team we should have beat. We didn't come out ready to play, all across the board, so it's a loss to me."

What does Herm say? "You play to win the game!" Does this mean Andy Reid didn't know the game could end in a tie as well? Were the Eagles playing for another overtime period instead of the win since they didn't realize the game was going to end? If so, add today's debacle to the list of donkey moves along with the goalline disaster at the end of the Bears game several weeks ago.

Once again, Reid's decision making and McNabb's execution have to be called into question. They can still make the playoffs but they won't go anywhere if they do. It may be time to break up the band after the season. The Eagles have only shown excellence in consistent mediocrity during the Reid/McNabb run. I shouldn't sell them short. They are excellent dick teases. They show a little skin at the beginning of the season and get Philly fans excited. However the fans get in the pants and find out they're in shemale country again just like last year. How long can this continue before the city cries "uncle"? In the words of Emmitt, the Eagles fans were debacled by their own team once again. Unfortunately it won't be the last time.


Thanks to PFT for the video.

"Hot water burn baby!" Kerry Collins can't stop listening to Good Time by Alan Jackson.

"Literally, it's been playing over and over and over in my car," he said. "I have every word of every song memorized. Sometimes I have to turn it down. As much as I like it, I can't stop."

When the music ends and his six-disc player moves on to the next selection, Collins switches it back to Jackson.

He started listening to it before the winning streak and hasn't stopped. I bet he wears his football helmet and chomps on a cigar while driving to and from work. I am 'tary.

The Raiders Should Be Very Interested In Shane Morales

Shane Morales, Orgeon State's "best possession receiver" (Palin shoutout to TO and Keyshawn), won't be playing this weekend against Cal due to an injured hip. He injured the hip during a goalpost dunking contest.

Morales was not thrilled to be cornered by media. He said it wasn't exactly a dunking "contest.'' ... "I think it was just me against the goalpost, and the goalpost won,'' he said.

He said it was something he "does all the time.'' Except the other times, he didn't injure himself. "I didn't think it was that bad (at first),'' said Morales. "It just hurt.''

I remember when I was applying to schools. I called the University of Oregon with a question. The receptionist answered the phone and said, "University of Oregon. Quack, quack!" I hung up and crossed Orgeon off my list. Oh wait, Morales goes Oregon State. Never mind.

Morales sounds like someone Al Davis would want on his team. "Willing to go up against immovable objects? That's moxy, Cable! See? Sounds like a player we should have, see. If he has a haircut I can set my watch to, let's move up in the draft and get this Morales kid, Cable. That reminds me. Did I ever tell you about spending time with Francisco Franco? Now there's a guy you could trust. Facists are men of their word, see. Not like that bastard Kiffin."

Hoosier daddy? Indiana University is better than you. They heart segregationists and black people at the same time.

Michael Vick's Dogs Profit From Puppy Torture

It's never pleasant whenever victims of heinous crimes decide to profit off their pain to increase their 15 minutes of fame. Most end up on daytime talk shows or Nancy Grace. Others appear on wine bottles. Just look at the former residents of Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennels.

Dogs rescued from the evil grasp of Michael Vick are appearing on wine bottles of the Vicktory Dogs Wine Collection.

Each bottle includes a portrait of one of the dogs on the label. On the back, instead of a description of the wine, there’s a brief story about each four-legged friend.

... Artist Cyrus Mejia, one of the founders of Best Friends, began painting the dogs after they arrived at the sanctuary. Gone in the portraits are any signs of snarling beasts fit for a fight ring. Instead, there are cocked heads, soulful eyes and floppy ears.

“I think he’s been able to capture the real personalities of each of the dogs,” said John Polis, a Best Friends [Animal Sanctuary] spokesman.

There's a whole lot of talk about mental rehabilitation of the dogs but what good does it do to encourage unstable killing machines to start drinking? Let's see those winning personalities after one or two bowls of wine. No good will come of this. You have been warned.

10% of each sale goes to the animal sanctuary. Matt Hahn of Carnivitas Winery which produces the wine said the goal was "to show the dogs in a positive light" and hopes it encourages people to talk about dogs and protecting animals. It's more likely that they'll look for more sauce or get it on doggy style after one or two bottles of the stuff.

There's no word on whether the wines will be sold at The Tasting Room. Shouldn't these dogs be grateful to Vick in some way? They would be nowhere without him. Just some no name dogs attacking small children, the elderly and mail carriers in somewhere in southern VA. It could have been worse. They could have belonged to Marcus Vick.

What? Now I'm the asshole? You're probably right.

We're too lazy to put it better than the Shanghaiist. The Glove didn't fit. Gary Payton almost went to China. Everyone wants to follow in the footsteps of God Shammgod.

I Can Finally Come Out Of The Douche Rock Closet

The weight of my secret has been weighing me down for years. Today has been a release I haven't known since ... well there's no need to get into my masturbatory habits while blogging in my parents' basement. Not that I do that. I'm trying to avoid concentrated evil and blindness.

Last week was incredible for everyone especially people of the chocolate persuasion. You might have missed it if you weren't paying attention. Shame on Barry Hussein for stealing the spotlight from two unsung heroes. Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James stood up and showed the world that it's acceptable for black people to like Barry Manilow.

James said Jay-Z is almost always his choice before taking the floor, but he has diverse musical taste and enjoys R&B and alternative rock.

... James was then informed that Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony, his longtime friend and U.S. Olympic teammate, admitted last year that he had Barry Manilow's music on his iPod.

"I probably got a little of that," James said. "I bet you I can find it on my iPod."

Sure enough, Bron Bron found "Copacabana," "Mandy" and "I Am Your Child".

Feel free to proclaim your love of Air Supply, Neil Diamond and Christopher Cross, black people. I sold myself out with the England Dan and John Ford Coley reference in the last post. Yacht Rock is my jam. Yeah, that's right. I have the Easy Rock 2-CD compilation and I rock that along with the Little Brother, H-Town and Cash Money. Conscious and positive is how I roll. Fat Luther is also special to me.

I remember the shame I felt when friends saw Air Supply on my iPod. I quickly went to some militant shit like Paris. No mas. I ain't scared of you muthafuckas no more! I got Bron Bron and 'Melo standing with me. Actually I take back everything. I would never listen to any of that "soft-ass shit" like the Rocket Man from The Rock. Please. Anyway, everyone knows there aren't any black sports bloggers out there so this exercise is pointless. Please believe me! (Language NSFW)

Guess who's not paying their lawyers? Ah the hell with it. Pacman's lawyers have Pacman fever but not in a good way.

Shane Battier Loves His Technology

Is it much of a suprise that Shane Battier loves gadgets? Check out this Digital Cribs show where Shane goes through all the techno-knick-knacks he's got around his house. You know you are jealous. This is all done for the Digital Cribs "Heaven or Hell" contest put on by Cisco where you record a video of your own digital crib for a chance to win $10,000. Grab a camera and give it a shot, b/c who doesn't want to win? Also, check back on the Deuce b/c with any luck, we'll have a nice interview with Shane to post in the upcoming weeks. Holla!

We've Tried Nothing And We're All Out Of Ideas

It's official this time. Hollywood really is out of ideas. Will Smith's kid is starring in a remake of the Karate Kid and now Ridley Scott is directing a movie based on Monopoly. Yes, we're talking about the board game.

Ridley Scott is officially attached to direct the Hasbro-Universal collaboration, with an eye toward giving it a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic "Blade Runner." Screenwriter Pamela Pettler ("Corpse Bride," "Monster House") will shape a narrative out of the iconic real estate game.

This has to be a joke. What story could come out of this board game that would be worth watching for two hours? Now if we're talking about The Revenge of Uno: Draw Two, I would be interested. Very interested. Apparently the Wild Card scene is amazing. Joe Penny takes over that scene and makes it his. We're talking borderline NC-17 material shot Zapruder-style. The England Dan and John Ford Coley soundtrack is the shit.

If Hollywood is going to start using board games for inspiration, why not go with Hungry Hungry Hippos? One could go with CGI hippos but why not use real people? Why not use hungry hungry humans like Zack Randolph and Eddy Curry? Add former NBA legends like Charles Barkley, John "Hot Plate" Williams and Oliver Miller and boom. NBA crossover potential. Make it futuristic like Blade Runner or The Running Man. A cross between the board game and Tron. Who cares? It doesn't matter what it's about as long as they're fighting over food for our entertainment.

Shaq Now Free To Stalk

Alexis Miller, an aspiring Atlanta rapper known as Maryjane, who had a restraining order out on Shaquille O'Neil for stalking and threatening bodily harm has withdrawn said order.  She requested the order due to what she said were threatening phone calls and emails that Shaq sent to her, one of which was quoted in legal documents:

“I dnt no who the [expletive] u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is I gotta make now try me. Sho me.”

Yea, gettin close to Elijah Dukes territory with that if it was Shaq daddy there. Anyway, its not certain whether or not there was a settlement or if Miller just had a change of heart...but really, which is more likely, huh?  A little cash goes a long way my friends.

Shaq...how does her ass taste?

From Atlanta Journal Constitution

Gymkhana Is One Wild "Sport"

Ken Block has some mad drifting skills. This might be the greatest driving demonstration I've ever seen. Apparently Gymkhana is "an automotive sport that takes place on an open field or parking lot and requires drivers to skillfully maneuver their cars around a series of cones, slaloms, 180 degree turns, 360 degree turns, figure eight turns, or other obstacles using extreme acceleration, braking or drifting." I must say, i am a fan.

Greatest Invention Ever

Whats better than walking or running? Walking or running on a treadmill of course. But, you say, "No, treadmills suck because you're stuck in some stanky sweaty gym, Chimp!"  To that say, no, not with this treadmill. This one is gonna take you places. Genius I tell you...genius.


From Burbia

The Lions Are The Suckiest Sucks That Ever Sucked

It must suck to go home and talk to your damn weiner kids after work if you play for the Detroit Lions. Even the 1-15 Dolphins weren't this much fun to watch last season. It's not just the fact that the Lions are losing. Anyone can do that. They're keeping it interesting. They're giving teams points by running out of their end zone. Players are stealing other players' luggage. The team is grabbing QBs as they walk by Ford Field. The Matt Millen effect is still at work.

Opposing teams are doing their part to remind the Lions how much they suck. They're beating the shit out of them and they're reinforcing the beatdowns with verbal reminders. It's gotten so bad that Lions players have stopped fighting back.

"[The Jacksonville Jaguars] were cracking jokes," Lions running back Kevin Smith said. "They thought we were a joke. They said we (weren't good). They were saying that to me, that I (wasn't good). And I told them they (weren't good), too. And they said, 'Well, not as bad as (you).' And I said, 'You're right.' (Because) we haven't won one game."

Someone hasn't been pwned like that since Billy Madison pwned that kid for hating on Donkey Kong. "You know something? You suck!" Rod Marinelli might want to consider letting Daunte Culpepper play in the chinchilla coat. There's something to be said for losing in style.

You Mess With The Bull, You Get The Firebomb

Who knew mounted bullfighting was so gangsta? You know it's serious when Colombian assassins are being imported to deal with the competition. How long until we see horses killed with Colombian Neckties? It's like when Sosa sent Alberto and his crew to New York to finish off that anti-Bolivian goverment crusader except there's no kind-hearted Tony Montana to call off the kill.

Three mounted matadors are on trial in Spain for hiring Colombian hitmen to burn a dozen horses of a rival bullfighter. One problem. The assassins bombed the wrong horses. Fine. I suppose it's a problem that they bombed the horses in the first place. Anyway, they firebombed a dozen horses killing six and severely burning the others. Too bad the horses belonged to someone else. They intended to kill the horses of fighter Sergio Galan but ended up getting the horses of the Domecq family.

...The Colombians - whose whereabouts remain unknown - mistakenly targeted those belonging to Luis and Antonio Domecq, who had taken part in a bullfight with Mr Galan at Las Ventas in Madrid, the court in Toledo was told.

When they set off for home, the hitmen followed the Domecqs' horseboxes and pushed two petrol bombs through their windows in the car park of a roadside restaurant in Ocana, the court heard.

The Domecq family is requesting three years imprisonment and compensation for the horses. If you can't trust a Colombian to do an assassination right, who can you trust? It really is hard to find good help.

Cristiano Ronaldo Is The Pits. Get It?

It's not easy being cheesy. It's actually hard work but if there's one guy who will go all out, it's Cristiano Ronaldo. Whether it's rocking the short shorts, the pastels or the cheesedick accessories like the murse (man purse), he puts in work like Kool Moe Dee. Most times he maintains his cool but sometimes like all of us, the strain can get to him. Good thing his Manchester United teammates have his back.

Team-mates filled his training room locker with cans of deodorant and aftershave when the Manchester United ace was pictured by the Mirror sweating through a jacket on a night out.

Ex-United striker Brian McClair, now its youth academy director revealed: “As he is never one for getting to training early, he found this picture copied all over the dressing-room. When he opened his locker, all the deodorants and perfumes fell out. He was not amused!”

Oh the hilarity! He probably went straight for the perfumes and left the deodorants where he found them. That wasn't the best move as Gary Neville tried to eat them later thinking that they were vanilla push pops.

No...There Is Another

Oh dear God, I thought that after this season, possibly next, that the football world would finally be done with all things Favre. Apparently, I was mistaken. There is another Favre and he's come on strong in high school football. St. Stanislaus (Miss.) quarterback Dylan Favre is the nephew of Brett Favre and he just had a game where he went 23 of 35 for 358 yards with five touchdowns all while setting the state single season touchdown record at 43 touchdowns. Crap, the kid is good.

Does he compare to his uncle? Yup.

"He's a pretty special athlete," St. Stanislaus coach Forrest Williams said.

"Somebody is going to get a heck of a quarterback," Williams said. "He definitely has touch. He's very mobile in the pocket. We can move the pocket or he can sit in the pocket and make any of the throws he wants to. He has a great arm, a good release, a lot of touch and good vision."

Double crap. The kid is just a junior, which means the media storm surrounding this kid can only begin to get bigger. He'll surely go to a school with a big college program, get drafted, and suddenly this whole Favre love fest will start all over again. Maybe he can steal the job out from under Aaron Rodgers like his uncle tried to do this season. Ya know, finish the job that his elder started. Yea, that would be great. Dammit. All we need now is a clone of Madden and Peter King to fawn over him and the circle will be complete.

Via Rivals.com

The family that arm wrestles together...stays together. I bet his daughters can rip your arms off.

Steve Slaton Needs A Nap

Steve Slaton, by all accounts, had a pretty miserable game on Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens. He rushed for all of 7 yards on 4 carries. Coach Gary Kubiak has an excuse for the young baller:

“He was really worn down, to be honest with you,” coach Gary Kubiak said. “He struggled last week in practice - just sharpness, speed, those types of things. He didn’t miss any time or anything, but we just felt like we were going to do everything we could to split those reps up even more so..."

“I would hope that him not playing as many reps this week gets him back to full speed, but the kid needed a break,” Kubiak said. “He’s played a lot of football in a short period of time. I expect him to bounce right back.”

Somebody call the wahhhbulance here, Slaton has carried the rock just 124 times this season. I don't hear rookie running back Matt Forte calling for a breather and he's had 65 more carries than Slaton. Kevin Smith in Detroit can't get enough playing time for that moribund franchise and is begging for more than the 93 carries he's had. Chris Johnson is a beast with his 160 carries. What is the problem here with Steve Slaton? Maybe he got a little afraid when he heard Bart Scott's comments about him.

Slaton is third in the league among rookie running backs and averaging 4.4 yards a carry and he needs to be on the field if the Texans are going to have a chance to win. His needing a break couldn't have helped out Sage Rosenfels in that blow out last week. This kid needs a strong cup of Red-Bull and coffee so he can wake up to the fact that he is not in college anymore. Its the NFL. You get tired in the offseason. You play on Sundays, you don't sleep.

Via Texans.com

Jordan Schools Old Rich Guys

I imagine that if you have as much money as these guys probably do, you too can hire Michael Jordan to come to a gym and school your ass in some one-on-one. It appears as if John Rogers, CEO of Ariel Investments, does have a slight bit of game however...and by game I mean he can actually make an uncontested layup. I just get the feeling here that Jordan is just playing the side-show freak role. This cannot be fun for him, seems like he's just whoring himself out for more cash to go out with Oak in Vegas. Kind of sad what Jordan has become.

Miss Practice? That's a 90mph Fastball Beatin.

Bevill State Community College coach Ed Langham allegedly has unique methods of discipline. He is accused of making one of his players who missed practice (and lied about his reasons for missing practice) put on a catchers mask and chest plate and take hits from balls fired at him from a pitching machine. Talk about punishment fitting the crime, Jesus. I wonder, if one of his players commit an error during a game does Coach Langham waterboard them? Maybe if someone dares to miss a game he just starts pulling their toenails out.

The student, frosh Shawn Rider, called police about the incident the day it happened, but two weeks have gone by and he hasn't followed up or provided evidence of any injuries. He clammed up pretty quick there, huh? I am thinkin he knows what he gets if he steps out of line! Yea thats right, more 90mph chest balls boy! YOU WATCH WHO YOU'RE TALKIN TO SON!

Its still up to Shawn if he wants to continue the case, its currently an investigation and he has not filed any complaints with the school either. So for now, the coach is scott free...grease up the pitchin machine.

Via USA Today

No Mas, No Sale

I think I'd rather get punched in the balls several times by Sugar Ray Leonard than be subjected to a broke ass girl like the one draped over this guy's car. Heavens to Mergatroid! If you're thinking of selling something online, it's probably best not to post pictures of your busted girlfriend to help move the goods. Stomach the pictures if you can than lose your meal over the hilarious comments.

Bodybuilding.com via Holy Taco

Just In Case You Forgot, Argentina

This is your new national team manager. I'm so jealous. I wish Bob Bradley would get sauced and roll with the fans like Maradona. Some language NSFW.



Fuck you, River Plate indeed.

Everything you wanted to know about the Pyongyang International Film Festival. I doubt Team America made the cut. I wonder if the glorious leader would "Hans Brix" Gene Shalit for pwning his movies.

Old And Busted: Jared Lorenzen. New Hotness: 305-Pound High School Quarterbacks

"I love food. That's what it's all about for me.''

Great day in the morning. No, sweet baby jesus. This could be the most awesome story I've ever read and may ever read today. Ellenville High QB Tony Casamento is leading his team to the promised land which is a sectional title. He's doing while tipping the scales at 305 pounds.

The new Pillsbury Throwboy blames it on slow metabolism. No one is going to care how or why as long as Casamento keeps winning. His team is on the verge of winning the sectional title after he led them to a 56-13 win over their semifinal opponent.

Casamento's talking about a career as a high school coach or broadcaster. His teammates call him "the next John Madden". Do we really need another broadcaster who rambles incoherently while yelling "Boom!" and waving a turducken leg around like a drunken Viking? I think not. This kid's success could open the door for a new breed of quarterback. First it was the black quarterback. Doug Williams showed it could be done. Now is the time for the Quarter Got Backs. He needs to stop selling himself short like a British kid trying to be an astronaut and take his act to college and the pros.** Who could front on The Biggest Show on Turf?


Varsity 845 via Fark

** If that doesn't make sense to you, check your favorite tranny comedian's Dressed to Kill. It probably doesn't work even if you do get the reference. Eh.

If it's the Champions League, it's burglarin' time in Liverpool. Another Liverpool player was robbed while the team was on CL duty. Come on down, Lucas Leiva! You're the ninth Liverpool player to be robbed by your own fans!

The Brazil international was relieved of some jewelery and "some very distinctive football and sports memorabilia". It'll probably end up on EBay soon so he should be able to buy it back at an inflated price if the coppers don't find it first. They might want to start with the Beckhams' hired help.

Just wait until some Liverpool player comes home from a Champions League match and finds his whole house missing. Scousers don't mess around when it comes to robbin' and stealin'. Oh yeah, they're also great at unemployment. Hah! I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Mike Van Ryn Can't Win For Trying

We're not gonna lie. It's been a shitty couple of weeks for the Maple Leafs' Mike Van Ryn. First he was helped through some glass on October 23rd. Relive the good times!



Van Ryn was probably thinking it couldn't get much worse than that. Wrong. The Habs' Tom Kostopoulous was jealous of Milan Lucic and decided to see if he could put Van Ryn through the glass too. Fail.



Bet he wishes the glass gave way that time although he would have taken it out with his face. This time, he stayed down and he'll be out for a month with "a concussion, a gash on his forehead, a broken nose and a broken bone in his hand". The NHL is going to review the hit and see if further penalties are warranted. Kostopoulous was given a major for boarding and ejected from the game.

Argue amongst yourselves or in the comment section over whether the hit was dirty. We know you'll just do it amongst yourselves because you're nothing but selfish bastards ... Wow. I don't know what just happened there. I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean that. I still care. Lemme put on some Luther Vandross (The Fat Years) and let's work this shit out. Girl, you know we can't get much better.

Evan Fields. I mean, Evan ... Evanda ... Evanduh ... Ah whatever. Holyfield can't remember his own name either. He's going to get in the ring again to fight WBA heavyweight champion Nikolay Valuev. He gets a chance at another belt as well as a guaranteed payday which should delight his chilluns. Too bad he won't remember it. The 45% additional brain damage comes as a bonus. And we wonder why no cares about the heavyweight division anymore.