If You Want To Be The Best You Must Beat The Best

This is just stupid, but hey, its friday.

Blame the shoes, Mariah.

Always, blame the shoes.

Eagles and Cowboys Fight For Spot Under The Bus

Training camp is still months off and the NFC East is falling into the Redskins hands. Maybe that's a bit much. A Dan Snyder-owned team will always implode like Six Flags. However the Eagles and Cowboys are busy fighting for room under the proverbial bus.

Former Eagle Hugh Douglas ripped Eagles OT Winston Justice for getting his ass handed to him last season in the Eagles loss to the Cowboys Giants in which QB Donovan McNabb was sacked 12 times.

"If they don't bite when they're puppies, they're not going to bite when they're grown dogs,'' Douglas, the former Eagles Pro Bowl defensive end, said over the phone last night, repeating what he has said about Justice on WIP-610 AM's Morning Show. "It just doesn't look like he has any fight in him. If you look at his demeanor, it's like he's not even a football player.''

..."It's one thing to be out-talented by Osi Umenyiora,'' Douglas said last night. "Everybody gets beat. But do something, anything, to keep that guy away from your quarterback - grab him, bite him, something.''

Way to boost the kid's morale. Umenyiora must be drooling at facing Justice again. He had six sacks last September. He may break double digits in their first game next season.

Things aren't much better in Texas where Terence Newman wasted no time in calling out Roy Williams for "being poor in pass coverage and [implying] that he needs to keep his weight down". He also alluded to Williams getting the "deer in the headlights" look during plays.

Calling Williams out in public will no doubt lead to better play next season. Pacman is getting more love from the Cowboys these days. Royboy may want to point out that Newman doesn't have a NFL rule named after him that prevents people from snappin' a neck. Then again going on a cruise instead of showing up to OTAs may not be the best way to fight the criticism.

Carlos Queiroz Wants To Start A War

One would think the pressure would be off Manchester United assistant Carlos Queiroz after completing the double this season. In the words of an American resident idiot (the sign), "not so fast, my friends".

Queiroz is losing his mind over the protracted battle with Real Madrid over the future of Cristiano Ronaldo.

"Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish! As they will never take Olivenca again," he told the Portuguese newspaper Jornal de Noticias, referring to the small town on the disputed border between the two countries. He also delved further into the historic rivalry, alluding to explorer Christopher Columbus – who both countries claim as their own – and the Spanish Philippine Dynasty, which ruled Portugal from 1580 until the bloodless revolution of 1640.

"They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo," the United No 2 added. "Have they already forgotten what we did to them in the past? We will never lose our patience."

With Portugal preparing for Euro 2008, Queiroz knows the furore could not have come at a worse time. "It's being done in a manner to distract the Portugal team, at the height of their preparations for the European Championships," he said. "But I am convinced that despite pressure from the Spanish press he will not change his nationality."

Sounds like someone could use a horse tranquilizer or a roofie-filled burger. Hopefully Queiroz's words will start an Iberian conflict that will work as a cover so Portugal and Spain can annex Andorra like the Sudetenland. Mwhahaha! I love it when a plan comes together.

Bobby Petrino: The Missing Link

Who would have thought the missing link would be in Arkansas? Fine, we've all thought that at some point in our lives. What you didn't know is that there are several missing links. You have the one between man and ape. You have "Jammin" Joe LaRue who is the missing link between man and god. Then you have the missing link between man and ostrich. Bobby Petrino.

Petrino, head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, gave his sob story to the media about being unaware of the fallout from his cowardly exit from the Atlanta Falcons job to take the Arkansas job.

Petrino said that he threw himself into the Arkansas job and was not aware of the media beating he was receiving.

"It was hard on my family. It was hard on my wife and my kids, but I didn't hear a lot of it," Petrino said. "That was probably good."

For months Petrino declined to be interviewed except for the local media that covers Arkansas football. But when he arrived at the SEC meetings he agreed to meet with the media contingent that regularly covers the league.

Petrino was pressed on whether, in hindsight, he could have handled his departure from Atlanta differently.

"Not that I know of," he said. "Because of the timing of it and both sides of the fence, that is kind of how it worked out. It was a situation where you have no other choice."

Sometimes a weasel gotta be a weasel, playboy.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was unavailable for comment as he's locked away in his office trying to figure out other ways to get around NCAA recruiting guidelines.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Office Faceplant"

Its not sports and I don't care. This is freakin hilarious. I hope she ended up ok, but it sure looks like she hurt a lot.

Cheese dip and grape Kool-Aid? Really, dude?

Imagine Tyrell Johnson and Kwame Brown at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Gold.

Russell Crowe Gets Some Of His Own Medicine

Russell Crowe could not say Sunday was a good day for him. Peter Holmes a Court, part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs along with Crowe, resigned as chairman and coach Jason Taylor gave Crowe an earful.

The Rabbitohs are at the bottom of the National Rugby League table "with only one win in 10 games and the club has lost $4 million in its first year under its new owners". Crowe was on the end of a verbal beatdown from Taylor after bringing in another coach as a consultant. Needless to say, Taylor didn't take this too well.

THE Souths coach, Jason Taylor, was swearing and shaking his head. The Hollywood actor Russell Crowe listened, stony-faced and chain-smoking.

The friction at South Sydney was evident at 6.30am yesterday outside Bar Coluzzi on Victoria Street, Darlinghurst.

As predicted in yesterday's Herald, the board also appointed the premiership-winning coach John Lang as a consultant - a blow to Taylor, who wasn't taking the news well at Bar Coluzzi yesterday morning. One patron observed that Taylor and Crowe had "faces like death"; another suggested "faces like thunder".

"They were super-grim. Not happy chappies. Rusty was chain-smoking. He was fairly calm, smoking darts, while Taylor was really agitated saying things like, 'This bloke has let me down' and 'That bloke has let me down'. Taylor was also saying things like, 'What's the time-frame for this?"'

Crowe didn't take it to heart when Marcus Aurelius said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." Where was that smile, sport?

Taylor could have completed the circle if he smashed Crowe on the head with a phone. Some curse would have been lifted had he followed through. He better cut back on those Hollywood commitments.

ESPN Might Have Gotten Something Right

One Remote To Rule Them All, One Remote To Find Them, One Remote To Bring Them All And In The Darkness Bind Them!

This might be the most badass remote control ever made, it is the ESPN "Ultimate Remote Control". This sucker connects via wi-fi to get you program guides, sports scores, play-by-play, as well as team and player stats. If you were even a sucker of gigantic proportions and bought into ESPN's fantasy leagues, you could check your fantasy scores from this. Not enough? Well you can also check news, weather, tv listings, and personalized program guides too. Still not enough? Well, the remote also allows you to text to mobile phones, email or other ESPN remotes so you can talk smack during the game while never having to put down the clicker.

Lordy, I hope this thing comes with a charger because it's going to be sucking down some serious batteries when being used to its full extent. I can easily see myself watching one football game, checking the results of another game on the remote, then texting several people when my team scores a touchdown and then having this behemoth die on me after about 20 minutes of constant use. In a word though, this thing is sick...and a little steep at $299, but ya know, one good trip to Vegas can score enough cash for this sucker (in theory that is).

Looks like they took what little technology they had in their ESPN Mobile phones and turned it into what people really want...a remote control to rule all the other remotes all while doing what remote controls are supposed to do, make your life easier. No longer will you have to sit in front of the television with your laptop in your lap, a cell phone in one hand and the remote in the other. No, those days are long gone with this as it is all you need. One remote to rule them all, one remote to find them, one remote to bring them all...ya know the rest.

Get the ESPN "Ultimate Remote Control" here on Amazon

Steve Atwater, Ray Crockett, Al Smith, Blaine Bishop, Carlos Emmons and Clyde Simmons do not care that you died, someone must pay up for their losses. So they sued the NFL and NFLPA. Good luck with that one.

Man Falls Off Bike, Bike Doesn't Care

This is pretty cool footage shot from a motorcycle's on-board camera. The rider in this race falls off his bike however, in a fortuitous turn of events for the fallen racer, somehow the bike stays upright. The man sees this, avoids being hit by other racers, runs back to and catches up with his bike and then continues his race. Awesome.

MMA Fighter Found Himself In A Sh*tty Situation

Saturday night at the Alexandria Riverfront Center in Louisiana, an MMA fighter by the name of Corey Wethey got this shit knocked out of him...literally.

In the first round of Wethey's fight his opponent, Fred Mitchell, gave him a knee to the body so hard, it caused him to lose all control of his bowels:

After landing a knee to Wethey's body, Mitchell said he began to smell something foul.

As the fight prolonged, Mitchell said the smell continued to worsen. Eventually, he removed his mouth piece and expressed his concerns to the ring official.

"He s--- himself," Mitchell said repeatedly.

As the round progressed, news about Wethey's intestinal difficulties slowly made its way to the ring officials, who were at a loss of what to do.

Once the round ended, Wethey told his corner what happened and quickly was evacuated from the ring.

After Mitchell's win was announced, he took the microphone and proclaimed to the crowd, "You can say I beat the crap out of him."

There are two hilarious points to this story 1) a man shit himself in a fighting ring and 2) at one point, that man realized the shitting could be advantageous and he found a way to lock his opponent's head between his shitty legs forcing him to be in perilously close proximity to the offending bodily discharge.

At least if Wethey ever fights again he will have a built in nickname. I'm voting for Dookie. Corey "Dookie" Wethey has such a nice flow to it. I hope he has a day job and I hope whomever works at that day job with Dookie uploads some video of the reception that he gets when he arrives on Tuesday morning.

From TheTownTalk

When Sensitivity Training Goes Wrong

Nice work by Fark to dig up this old hotness.



Whatever happened to Lester Spaight? How is he not getting more recognition for his work? If that big Green Mile muthafucka can get some love, it's about time Lester did too. They're doing him like Hal Williams. It's ain't right.

Still Think Avram Grant Should Have Kept His Job?

You won't after reading about how Avram Grant was more nervous than his players before the Champions League finals against Manchester United.

Adventures in Cheap-Asstackery

So, Washington DC has built the Lerner family-owned Nationals one hell of a shiny new stadium to the tune of $650,000,000. It even opened on time. I seem to recall Ryan Zimmerman hitting a game winning home run on opening night!

Apparently, though 45,000 fans packed into the stadium handing the Lerners $8 for a beer doesn't mean the stadium is "complete". See, the team offices in the stadium still need some spit and polish, so the city is letting them use the old RFK offices for free until all the "Hang in There Baby" posters can be leveled. Do the Lerners say "thanks for the new home, looking forward to the new offices"? Of course not, that wouldn't be up to the high standards of DC-area sports owner douche-bagocracy. Nope, instead, they try to get another $100k/day out of the city and its taxpayers. Hmmm, wonder what they would do with that extra money. Players who can hit the ball? Pitchers who can actually get it over the plate? Or maybe they'll just squeeze in a few more seats behind home plate that noone wants to pay for.

Your Champions League Handicapper

You want to know who to support in today's Champions League final. Go with the winner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas who is a Manchester United fan questioned Kevin Garnett's loyalty to Chelsea.

Ilgauskas said: “We talked about it after one of the games because I had spoken to our local paper and said KG wasn’t really a proper Chelsea fan.

“I didn’t know he was such a big fan so he was giving me a hard time.

“I guess he really is a big Chelsea fan!”

Winners stick with winners. That's all you need to know. Now I go hide in a corner with my thoughts until 2:45.

Pete Doherty: Sportsman

Babyshambles' Pete Doherty is like school on a Saturday. No class. If he's not combining with Amy Winehouse to form a diseased, drug-addled version of Voltron, he's getting kicked out of Millwall's ground.

Doherty was "escorted" from The Den by security after being caught pissing in a trophy in the chairman's office.

One of the security guards was tipped off that Pete was trying to take a trophy. When he checked it out he found that Pete wasn’t nicking it, he was filling it up. He is a huge QPR fan and thought it would be a laugh to leave a little surprise.

You would think they would have hauled him into a backroom and beat that ass like a rented mule. Their hooligans probably didn't want to get any number of diseases from any transfer or contact with his bodily fluid. The fluid combination of him and Winehouse is probably more deadly than a komodo dragon's saliva.

The Spurs Can't Get No Respect

Hey Fabricio, don't tell 'em you're Argentinian? Oh you are? Get out of my hotel.

The San Antonio Spurs are going to the Western Conference Finals for the umpteenth time and they still can't get any love. They were forced to sleep on their plane after winning their Game 7 against the Hornets due to mechanical problems and a lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans. It's a shame to think the hotel industry showed more defense and outside perimeter hustle than the Hornets.

It's a good thing the Spurs found a place to sleep. If this happens late in their series against the Lakers or in the Finals should they get there, they may end up ass out. Their airline, Champion Air is going out of business. They better hope they don't get Detroit in the finals. You ever try sleeping outside in Detroit? I've seen Robocop. I want no part of that.

Then again Boston wouldn't be much better. A bunch of guys named Sully would probably mess with them every night in the park. "Hey why is theah ah so many blackies in the pahk?"

I Won't Not Never Do It Again

If you missed Ernie Johnson's interview with Charles Barkley about his gambling debt on the TNT pregame show last night, here's the video.



Barkley says he can handle it on his own and says he's not going to gamble again before qualifying it by saying he won't gamble for a year... Best of luck to Sir Charles.

Bring the ruckus in Moscow? That's a beatin'.

Moose Has Pacman Fever

Daryl Johnston likes him some Pacman. He thinks the locker room can keep him in check and make him the Pacman on the right. That sounds like Bill Maas silly talk. You can't hold the Pacman.

Feed the Children is code for Take Care of the Kid. That's what he's gonna be telling the Dallas-area strippers as he makes it rain. Who knows? T.O. might even get him involved in some porn.

You Do Not Know Who You Are F**king With

David Beckham ain't about to take shit from a guy who can't even spell Serious. Watch his reaction to a hard tackle from FC Dallas defender, Adrian Serioux.



Beckham wasn't content with Serioux's sending off.

As Serioux tromped off the field at Pizza Hut Park, Beckham blew him a couple of kisses and then curled up his fingers and gave him a few farewell waves. That riled up the record crowd of 22,331, and from then on they booed Beckham every time he touched the ball.

Beckham's response? After laying on the perfect cross for Edson Buddle to head home his third goal of the game and the Galaxy's fifth, Beckham turned to the crowd and put his right forefinger to his lips in a shushing motion."

You mess with Goldenballs and you get the boot.

I Used To Believe In You, JaMarcus

Jamarcus Russell with Fats Domino. See that's the idea.

My disappointment knows no bounds. JaMarcus Russell showed up to Raiders minicamp only weighing in at 269 pounds. I expected better of him. Rumors had him weighing over three bills. That's the kind of dedication that shows me something. I wanted him so fat that he couldn't get his fingers between the laces. I wanted to see him run out of breath walking from the huddle to the line. It would have made the Raiders ineptitude so much more fun to watch. Football is dead to me unless JaMarcus bacons up that sausage or changes his name to Jermajesty.

Francesco Totti Sleeps With The Fishes

The Roma striker may have ended up floating in the Tiber if Inter Milan's tailor had his way.

Tailor Domenico Brescia was "revealed to be a convicted murderer who is close to the Crisafulla Mafia clan". The Telegraph reports that Italian police suspect he is also a coke dealer.

Brescia's telephone was tapped and thousands of conversations were taped including ones with Inter players and manager Roberto Mancini. Most calls were innocent. Others? Not so much.

However, in one call Mr Mancini is recorded discussing Daniele Bizzozzero, a Mafioso associate of Brescia's who had fled to Monte Carlo and then Paris in a bid to escape the police.

"What happened to him," Mr Mancini is heard asking. "How was he arrested? I told him to stay [in Paris] and wait for a pardon."

Brescia then said that Bizzozzero was stupid, to which Mr Mancini replied: "He has always behaved well with me."

What the hell is Mancini doing telling some Mafia guy to stay on the lam? How does he have knowledge of this situation?

Mancini is most likely out of a job after winning the Scudetto this past weekend even after fans harassed Luis Figo for allegedly running over a black cat on purpose. Rumors have Mancini replacing Avram Grant at Chelsea next season. Just what we need. A shady Russian owner and a Mafia consigliere. I suspect the number of favorable calls on the pitch will shoot up should Mancini take over the reins.

Police don't intend to prosecute anyone at Inter because that's the Italian way from Berlusconi on down. The club claimed to have let Brescia go after finding out the full extent of his criminal history yet the conversation with Mancini shows that some at the club knew his background.

I'm not going to front. I still think Jean-Claude Van Damme is brilliant. I can't wait for The Quest II: Electric Boogaloo. However this is nowhere near brilliant.

You Sir Are A Buffoon

The goalkeeping magic continues...

Chris Henry: Visionary

Old and busted: Cincinnati Bengals
New hotness: Miami Dolphins

Not many among us are prescient beings. Most of you go through life stumbling from one unfortunate incident to the next hoping that it's not as bad as the one before it. There are the few who have the ability to see the future. Like Nostradamus and Warren Buffet, Chris Henry is one of the few.

The Miami Dolphins have already had four players in trouble with the law this off-season. Will Allen was just the latest. The former Bengal knows trouble when he sees it and he's not going to miss his opportunity to be part of Cincinnati South under Bill Parcells.

Talented former Bengals receiver Chris Henry, on house arrest, said by phone he ''would love to play for'' the Dolphins, Saints or Cowboys. But it's hard to fathom Bill Parcells pursuing someone who has had multiple legal problems and faces a potential NFL suspension after a March arrest for misdemeanor assault and criminal damage. ''That situation isn't what it seems,'' Henry said. ``I regret a lot that has happened.''

Me thinks the man that tolerated a raging coke fiend like LT should have no problem with Henry. He's embraced Ricky Williams and ostracized Jason Taylor. We see where his priorities are and so does Chris Henry.

We Were All On Vacation!

Being a British secret agent? Priceless. Losing your job because your wife was one of the prostitutes involved in the Max Mosley nazi sex orgy? Nah, that's priceless.

In an extraordinary turn of events yesterday, MI5 was forced to deny through Whitehall channels that the orgy had been a “sting” that it had set up to discredit Mosley. “Any suggestion that the service was involved in setting up Mosley is total nonsense,” a senior Whitehall official said.

The official did disclose, however, that one of MI5’s officers had left the agency after his wife’s involvement as a call girl in the orgy became known. “I cannot talk about individual cases, but we do expect high standards of behaviour from all staff at all times, both professionally and privately,” the official said.

The officer forced to resign was working in surveillance. How the hell do you miss seeing this? The MI5 officer's wife Mistress Abi was the one that sold the story to the News of the World.

Mosley is the current head of F1 racing and was caught on tape engaging in an orgy with a Nazi theme. His father was a well known facsist in the 30s and 40s who witnessed Adolf Hitler's wedding in addition to heading up a fascist party in Britain.

Straight cash homey.

Clinton Portis Is A Fan of Country Music

Clinton Portis is a fan of country music or he just likes to keep his boss happy...or maybe just both. In any case, Portis was spotted at the 2008 Country Music Awards, which is, coincidentally enough, now owned by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder as part of his $175 million purchase of Dick Clark Productions. I wonder if he was the Danny's date? Its a wonder that Chad Johnson didn't make an appearance at the event in some crazy attempt to give Snyder another reason to want to trade for him. Kid Bro Sweets knows where his bread is buttered, Johnson should've known how to play the game right. Clinton also knows not to get his picture taken at such an event because attendance at such an event immediately lowers a bit of his street cred and with no available photographic proof, he can always use plausible denial...and he doesn't end up looking like this jackass.
(AP Photo/Isaac Brekken)
From WTOP

T.O. seems to get by with short arms especially when he goes across the middle. Chris Williams should have no problem at all.

Dwayne Wade Now Owns God

Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he'd buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.

You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn't looked back, and now, she's got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.

"My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She's so thankful for even the little things I've done for her," Dwyane Wade said. "But it's the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect."

So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I'm now wondering why more haven't?

Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn't taking any of your cizzash yo'! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant scheme plan.

D-wade Last Supper Pic from Dave Barry's Blog
Story from Canadian Press

You Couldn't Try This If You Tried

"You're gone! You are with little rabbits! You are in the pen!"

What does that even mean? I don't know but this is one hell of a try and a conversion afterwards. Don't sleep on rugby.

By Thor's hammer! Chick-fil-A is revamping its menu for health reasons. Bastards. Checkers will never change.

When Making It Rain Goes Wrong

What's happened to Money Mayweather? He appears on the WWE and now he's making Pacman Jones look good up in the club. At least Pacman kept it real when he made it rain in Vegas even if he proceeded to take his money back and tear up the club afterwards. When we say keeping it real, we mean he used real money.

Floyd Mayweather could be the target of federal investigators after allegedly making it rain at a club with counterfeit money.

My photographer Freddy O was almost arrested at a gas station this morning after trying to pay for gas with one of the counterfeit $100 bills that boxer Floyd Mayweather tossed in the air at Club PURE last night.

According to Fred (and several others in attendance) Mayweather’s “boys” were handing him the stacks of hundreds.

There is speculation that one of his “boys” switched out the real hundreds for the counterfeit hundreds and kept the real cash for himself. I would be inclined to believe that maybe Floyd didn’t know what his boys were doing, except that this has happened before!

Some club patrons in Las Vegas also complained about Mayweather tossing counterfeit bills earlier this year. We’re not talking fake bills of the copy machine variety - we’re talking print shop quality counterfeit bills.

Sandra Rose offers up what it says is proof of the counterfeit bills. The site also says Mayweather exaggerates his wealth. Shocking. A real rapper (lyrics NSFW) would never lie about his paper. Oscar de la Hoya should pay Money in fake bills for their rematch.

You Crossed The Line. People Trusted You And They Died. You Gotta' Go Down

Don't act like you haven't been longing for this. You need it. Vaya con Dios, brah.

Reggie Bush Needs An Intervention

Is Master P involved in sports representation again? We only ask because Reggie Bush could be making some poor (well, idiotic) decisions and obviously his agent is not doing his job. Let's start with the obvious. It's not good for a football player's image to seriously date a transvestite. Maybe a funny tranny like Eddie Izzard would fly but I see no evidence of humor in or around Kim Kardashian.

It's not clear that Kardashian's a tranny with business sense either. That's not stopping Reggie Bush from letting her handle his business affairs when it comes to entertainment. That bastion of truthiness MediaTakeout.com reports that Bush is allegedly allowing Kardashian to take control of his entertainment career. This doesn't include his sports interests.

If this rumor is true, someone needs to check Bush before he wrecks himself since his agent is nowhere to be found. Kardashian's supposed to help him with television and movie roles. What would she know about that? Besides her reality show, she has no experience with anything outside of playing a status ho and celebutard. In her defense, she does play them very well. She's been desperate for years and she finally found some sucka to take her on.

Bush needs to focus on football. His football career has been average at best and his acting is nothing of note. Then again we shouldn't completely crush him. It's quite progessive of him to publicly date a tranny. Hopefully this will begin to change people's opinions of them and see that they can be as shallow as the rest of us. Hooray for cookies!

Orioles Magic: Feel It Happen

I'm still a bit troubled by the Baltimore Orioles start. I don't want to believe because they let me down every year after getting off to a hot start. This season does seem different so far. Maybe it's because they brought back Orioles Magic.

Orioles Magic 2008
by gatecitycanes

I'm not going to front. I've loved this song since I used to watch the O's at Memorial Stadium. Let's see Chimp Rage pull a Nats song out of his ass to match this old hotness. Yeah that's right. He can't. However if they get Paul Lo Duca, Elijah Dukes, Da Meat Hook, Lastings Milledge and Jesus Flores to collaborate, Orioles Magic could have some competition.

What They Do Indeed

The real David Banner could turn into the Incredible Hulk or Lou Ferrigno once something or someone pissed him off. He was even polite enough to request that you not anger him. The rapper David Banner do what they do. He's all show like most rappers. Instead of renting a ride and house, he rented an off-brand Lou known to you as Barry Bonds. Here's to keeping it real at :46. Fuck a transform.




Video from New York Daily News I-Team.

Cheeseracing!

Sure, its not really a sport, but I have been slacking posting this week due to power outages and my regular drinking binges. Speaking of drinking binges, someone had to be real drunk to think of this "new sport". Its called Cheese Racing.

Its a simple sport to participate in, all you need is a BBQ grill and individually wrapped slices of cheese. Ya put the cheese on the smoking hot grill and see whose cheese package fully inflates the quickest. Full inflation means that all four corners have raised up off the grill. Even if you spring a leak, it isnt a disqualification. So...thats it.

I had no idea that they wrapped cheese so tightly that when placed on a grill the cheese will boil inside the package. I also didn't realize that the plastic they use to wrap the cheese is completely impervious to fire. They should use this shit to wrap race cars in or something.

Check out the Cheese Racing site here

Fist Pump On A D**k? That's A Bit Much

A message to Goose Gossage and David Dellucci. Shut up. The bitching and moaning over Joba Chamberlain's celebrations needs to stop. This issue is bigger than Joba so don't take us for Yankee apologists. Yankee fans have a hard-on for Joba. He can do no wrong in their eyes. He could give a newborn baby a spinning roundhouse kick out the window at St. Vincent's, fist pump, yell and Yankee fans would blow a load about his heart.

Goosage whines about Joba's celebrations not being the "Yankees way" and he's right. They aren't and that's what makes him refreshing. For all the talk about tradition, the Yankees are a stodgy, corporate faceless club with no personality. There's no denying their history or accomplishments but to root for the Yankees is to root for the mind-numbing efficiency one expects from a clock. Any excitement is generated by John Sterling warbling "The Yankees win!" or Suzy Waldman blubbering over a deserved loss as though someone ran over her mother. Even when the Yankees are winning, it seems like punching the clock at the sweatshop. No doubt real Yankees fans love their team but to decry shows of emotion and excitement on the field seems odd considering how rabid the fans get.

Drooling local sports radio idiots and ex-players like Gossage yell about "acting like you've been there" and respect for the game. Implying players like Joba respect the game less than other players is absurd. Save that for Pete Rose and Art Schlichter. These critics try to elevate the game to the level of heart surgery. It's as though calling it a game and treating it as such is an affront or insult to their work. There's a fear of not being taken seriously. No one denies the hard work and dedication it takes to become and stay a professional athlete. It's something most can only hope to do. However when it comes down to it, it's still a game and people seem to forget that. I'm sure Dan Patrick wasn't alone when he was going on and on about celebrating your office job. Can we please drop this bullshit comparison? No one really thinks the job of pro athlete compares to humping your desk eight hours a day. Sport is more than work. Sport is about winning. Sport is entertainment. Sport is emotion. Consulting is not being able to explain what you do. I digress.

Of course there's a limit and there is a thing as too much. Taunting would fall under that category. A fist pump doesn't come close to the wrong side. A fist pump on your dick? That's a bit much. There's also something to be said for pitchers that don't bat. It should be equal opportunity but life ain't fair.

Current players like Dellucci and Nelson Figueroa of the Mets need to chill. If a fist pump gets you worked up, you might have some other issues. Figueroa called the Nats "softball girls" because they were celebrating in the dugout. Guess what? It worked. Maybe he should have spent less time paying attention to them and more getting them out. Sexist twat. Me thinks that's fear of the minors talking. Bottom line? Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. It's a game. Yeah it's a job too. Let the kid do his thing. He'll grow out of it or batters will beat him like a rented mule. It's not like he's taunting the batters or throwing broken bats at them. If he does, then the batter must do what he must. Just don't be Robin Ventura.

Do You Feel Lucky

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie's contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a 'Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Once An Assclown, Always An Assclown

How could we forget Inter Milan/Italy star Marco Materazzi? He was the victim of a brutal head butt from Zinedine Zidane during the last World Cup. Oh how we cried for him. Turns out he's an asshole who deserved the head butt and it's too bad his chest didn't cave in.

One would think he would have learnt some humility but he's an Italian footballer so no such luck. One game left and Inter is nursing a slim lead over Roma for the Scudetto (Seria A Champion) thanks to another moment of madness from Materazzi against Siena yesterday.

A penalty was awarded to Inter in the 78th minute and striker Julio Cruz stepped up to take the kick. Materazzi decided that he wanted to be the hero so he pushed Cruz out of the way with his manager yelling at him and took the kick. He missed. He didn't just miss. It was an awful kick. Witness the shame that is Marco Materazzi at :23.



The game ended in a 2-2 draw. Inter fans showed up expecting to celebrate a title and instead yelled "Get back to work!" at the team after the match. That karma's a bitch.

Is Dwyane Wade Turning Into Britney Spears

What the hell is going on with Dwyane Wade? His flight path seems to be taking a downward trajectory similar to Britney Spears. She had it all only to throw it away and turn into an unmitigated disaster. We’re not saying Wade is going to get knocked up by some Heat dancer but things aren’t looking too good for him these days. Only two years ago, he was on top of the world. NBA Champion, commercial darling, etc. Now is not good. Yes? The Heat? Fail. Star Jones? Fail. His new restaurant? Fail.

D. Wade’s Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after only two months. The Palm Beach Post reports that the restaurant opened to mixed reviews, little advertising and no D-Wade. He only showed up once since it opened.

“A note on the closed Boca restaurant's door tells fans to head to Fort Lauderdale, home of the only other D. Wade's. A third is in the works in Aventura.”

Hmm where have I heard of a similar situation? Oh that’s right. Britney’s restaurant.

Not only is another D. Wade’s in the works but he’s also looking to get into gourmet Chinese with Alonzo Mourning. Oh yeah I’m going to get Chinese from Zo and D-Wade. I’m also going to get sushi from Popeye Jones, Elijah Dukes and Raekwon while I’m at it. Rae’s a chef after all. You would have thought Star could have kept the restaurant going by herself. Don’t let that staple gun action fool you. She can still bring the ruckus.

Let’s run down the list. Britney cheated on Justin Timberlake and ended up with Kevin Federline. Wade’s marriage is falling apart and he’s seen hanging with Star Jones. Britney was on top of the charts and selling out shows before crashing and burning on the VMAs. Wade was an NBA championship team which has become a lottery team that can’t sell half their seats.** Her restaurant failed miserably and so did his. He hasn’t quite caught the crazy yet but hanging with Star Jones is definitely suspect.

Wade could use an intervention before it’s too late. We suggest Sir Charles and Montell Williams ambush him Cheaters style when he’s out with Star and break him down on camera. Fuck the whales. Save the Wade!


**We can’t put attendance on him. Sports have no business in Miami. They could be some of the worst fans in America.

Lucas Licht Is Better Than You

National Xtreme Baseball Is Finally Upon Us

May 10th 2008...a day that will live in infamy as National Xtreme Baseball starts its inagural season. You may remember way back when when we first caught a glimpse of the spectacle that is National Xtreme Baseball, well now it has finally come into it's own as an official league. Not that it takes a lot to become an official league. Anyway, the first real game (not the exhibition games they've been playing for the past year) was Saturday, May 10th, 2008 and it pit the Daytona Stingrays against the Miami Pythons, which are Xtreme team names for sure. Daytona won the contest 12-4 and I'm sure you really cared about that.

We're gonna try to track down actual video of the game, but if you want, you can see some photos of the game's events with a snappy soundtrack below. We're expecting big things for this league (not really) but it sure is nice to reminisce about when sports blogging weird shit was easy because stuff just leaped out at you. Nowadays a man's gotta actually work for his blogging stories...dammit.


NXBL Home Page here

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Federale

If it ain't a drug dealer, it's a drum. Something will get a federale these days.



If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What Every Sox Fan Needs

Can a Red Sox fan's life be complete without one of these? Look closely, that's not just a bunch of ticket stubs, no, it's actually a wallet made of ticket stubs. It's actually got 10 slots on the inside for cards and 1 big slot for cash, even tho you can't see it. Its all from the good people at Refinding who take old crap and turn it into stuff like wallets and belts and other stuff. Interesting concept, but I hope these fine people expand their ticket stub collection to more than just BoSox stuff, ya know, in case you aren't a fan of said team. Neat stuff though.

Find BoSox Stub Wallets here

Lock, Stock And One Footballing Dutchman

One more post for today before I leave my mom's basement. We forgot to post the full version of Nike's "The Next Level" commercial featuring more Nike-sponsored footballers than you can shake a stick at. I guess Guy Ritchie had to find something to do while his wife fights the Malawian authorities, freaks Justin Timberlake and pretends to kiss underage girls.



1. I thought I spotted a John Terry lookalike around :43. I doubt it because Chelsea's sponsored by Adidas.

2. Madonna should leave more often.

Dave Attell + The Gong Show = Result

Hey Thaksin, Leave Our Sven Alone

Not quite as catchy as "Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!" but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson's seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to "lack of results". The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There's no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It's not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager "Big Phil" Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There's talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson's firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There's another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn't make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.



Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.

The Sauce Clause Lies In Wait

Bob Huggins hasn't changed much over the years. From his eating habits to his mobility, the West Virginia basketball coach is determined to stay the same no matter what.

Huggins is still getting around as though he's under the influence. He tripped over a cone and smacked his head on the tarmac while leaving a plane in Charlotte. The coach never lost consciousness but was taken to a hospital as a precautionary measure as he was feeling dizzy. Our first thought was that he made nice with the drink cart but it seems to be nothing but mere clumsiness. The Tipsy McStagger Clause has not been triggered so you can relax.

One would think Huggins would be more careful. This is the same guy who had to be shocked back to life three times after suffering a "massive heart attack" almost six years ago yet is proud of not changing his habits.

"It's the same thing you do New Year's Eve," he said. "You say, 'I'm going to do this,' and about the 3rd of January you're back doing what you did before. I haven't really changed all that much. I would love to sit here and tell you that I probably eat better, but look at me. That's obviously not the case.''

A man of habit. The same theory probably holds true for the graduation rate of his players. "I gotta get this back down to zero ... Hey! What the fuck are you doing reading? Who taught you that shit?"

Thanks to Don T for the tip.

You Know You Love It

All you aspiring porn moguls beware. Let the story of former Australian porn kingpin Greg Lasrado be a warning to you. Don't take pictures with Bill Clinton. He'll only bring you down.

Photo: Mike Cassese/Reuters

Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

There are certain things that should never go together like Vito Fossella and drunk driving or Ted Kennedy and channels. Who knew drunk driving makes love children?

Another deadly combination is athletes and music. There are always exceptions like Wayman Tisdale but the usual result is Carl Lewis or Deion Sanders. Could Jon Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba do better? Unlikely but they're going to try anyway. The Chelsea players are collaborating on some hip-hop tracks. If there's one thing footballers can't do, it's make music. If you doubt me, try this, this or this. I'll never look at John Barnes the same way again.

Joel Knows Donkey Kicks

It's still not a spinning donkey kick but it's a start.

Hard Working Americans Aren't The Only Ones Being Screwed By NAFTA

Chin up white peop...I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren't the only ones they're trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That's because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico's eventual takeover of the US. It's a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don't know why Rev. Al's wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle's about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin', permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Cookin With The Oak

Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he's decided to make his name in the world of cooking.

Page Six reports that Oakley has already filmed three episodes of his new cooking show, Cafe Oakley.

The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak's fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak's beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, "Drink 10 beers."

The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson's Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche's Hooker Hanger Steak.

Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven't seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:

Bobby Engram Hearts Mike Holmgren

Awww! Seahawk WR Bobby Engram's too shy to tell his coach Mike Holmgren that he choo-choo chooses him in person so he thought he would drop off a letter early before practice. It didn't work for Ralph Wiggum so Engram's chances aren't looking too good.

"I kind of enjoy that," Holmgren kidded. "It means he graduated from college and he can type."

The letter is assumed to contain Engram's demands for mo' money**. He dropped the letter off and left before the start of minicamp.

Engram wants a new deal from the Seahawks however the team wants him to play out this coming season before negotiating a new deal. He's coming off a career season in which he had 1147 yards. Woo. He did attend a mandatory camp last Friday. Chad Johnson called to call him a sellout.

It doesn't seem as though Holmgren is too concerned. He said that Engram "is an emotional player" so this isn't unexpected. Hopefully there will be videotape of the moment Engram's heart breaks when Holmgren tells him that he's not getting what he wants.


**You thought you were getting Stacey Dash, didn't you?

Finally Someone Who Won't Fight Back

Very Big Club Newcastle United has fallen on hard times over the past couple years after finding domestic and European glory. Winning the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 is a massive achievement. Have you won it? I didn't think so.

Despite the lack of success on the pitch, Newcastle claims to have fans that will see the club through thick and thin. St. James Park is always filled to its 50,000+ capacity for every match by loyal and... What's that? They give tickets away? Of course they do. All teams have corporate and family seats. What do you mean they're not exactly corporate or family seats?

The BBC reports that Newcastle distributes four season tickets a year to recovering drug addicts as a way to "help them on the path to recovery".

"The tickets are provided on the understanding that they are used, as part of a package of measures, to particularly help young people who have had substance misuse problems, and are making clear progress and showing a genuine commitment to living a normal, structured life.

"We thank the club for this generous gesture that goes a long way towards re-introducing people to a structured way of life."

It's not clear how going to a Newcastle match would help addicts adapt to living a sober life. Have you ever been to Newcastle? There's nothing to do but drink and use drugs. Have you ever watched Newcastle play? It'll make you want to drink and do drugs. Even when they're not playing, they're not setting a good example: