Sashay Shante, Rooney

Wayne Rooney doesn't takes 'em 8 to 80 dumb, crippled and crazy like Big Daddy Kane. He takes them dumb and 80 except when it comes to 'is Colleen. We know how he loves him some dusty granny action on the DL. Now he's going have to work it and do his thing down the wedding aisle if his cousin has anything to say about it. Good thing he has an open mind.

Rooney is marrying his WAG Colleen in June 2008 and his tranny cousin Stephen wants to be a bridesmaid. In fact, he's already hitting the shops in hope/anticipation of Colleen asking him to be a part of the wedding.

Friends are worried that the wedding would turn into a spectacle due to Stephen's antics. However, they shouldn't be so quick to judge. One friend said, ""Wayne didn't rule Stephen out so we reckon he's still in with a chance as a bridesmaid ... and he'd do as good a job as posh friends like Victoria Beckham any day."

Stephen also works at Kentucky Fried Chicken so he could stock the reception at cost or even less if he saves up his shift meals and keeps them frozen until June. He's the gift that keeps on giving.

If this picture is anything to go by, he'll definitely do a better job than Rio Ferdinand.

Colleen had some "thoughts" on her impending nuptials.

"What I do know is that wherever we marry I'd like a Catholic ceremony and want to be married by a priest. I'm really looking forward to becoming Mrs Wayne Rooney!"

Yeah, Pope Benedict will be down with a drunken Scouser tranny in the wedding party. The Catholic Church's stance against Scousers hasn't changed since Liverpool's founding in 1207.

Rugby Players Are Affectionate Towards Each Other

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...this one is worth at least two. So gay...

I'm In Control Here

"He's kind of in the same position Bush is in. No matter what he does, if it's good, no one's going to give him a break. Everything he does or the team does that doesn't look good, he's going to get blamed for. Isiah's heart is in the right spot. He's trying to do the things to manufacture a good team. Things aren't clicking. It's easier to fire a coach than 15 players."

-- Phil Jackson on Isiah Thomas

Four words. Stephon Marbury Eddy Curry.

The Constitutional Vol. "Back From Break"

Aaaaaaaand we are back. I hope all had a nice winter holiday, I know did. We missed a ton over the last couple weeks (like the Najeh Davenport playing thing) that we were sporadically posting, but we'll come on strong heading into and through the new year. Its good to be back...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• We were interviewed by this new blog recently, it was posted while we were on break, but here it is. Sports Tech Blog
  


• We also participated in Jamie Mottram's top 40 sports figures of 2007 list, see what some of the top names in blogging had to say about who were the most blogable sports peoples this year. Yahoo Sports
  


• WCK never ceases to amaze me with his coverage of the Olympics. This Olympics advertisement is one of the most glorious abortions on film i've ever seen. 100% Injury Rate
  


• Found: Footage of Jordan vs Len Bias in college. Disappointing these two never got to spar in the NBA. Hoopsvibe
  


• What Derrick Coleman is up to nowadays. Can't Stop The Bleeding
  


• This guy has no business being on the sidelines of a college football bowl game. Awful Announcing
  


• Liston brings you...the Douchemaster 2000! Introducing Liston
  


• Steve Nash is walking behind Jessica Alba...and so would we. The Big Lead
  


• Darren McFadden just ended his college career in style. Cadillac style. (the new look)Sports by Brooks
  


• Carl (of Aqua Teen Hunger Force) makes his Bowl picks. You have to watch. With Leather
  


• Why the D-Rays suck, Lamaritis. DRaysBay
  


• Len Kasper and Bob Brenly cannot rock. Home Run Derby
  


• One of the best "O" faces on a baseball card ever. Wax Heaven
  


• Do Steroids Really Work? Seems silly, but it is a good question to ask. The Slav
  

Tap The Bottle And Eat The Cap

Leave it to the Australians to take a celebration to the next level. Screw pouring beer on heads. Try eating the bottle caps as well.

An amateur Aussie Rules football player was rushed to the hospital after swallowing a bottle cap during celebrations for a grand final win. He chugged a beer and swallowed the cap that was at the bottom.

He was rushed to the hospital where surgeons were able to remove the cap using an endoscope. His blood alcohol level was almost .11.

"This is the first one of these I've seen (personally), but we see stupid stuff all the time - it always involves young blokes, beer, girls and sport,'' [Royal Adelaide Hospital emergency department registrar Dr. Robert Douglas] said.

You think it would end there but it don't. As Mickey Rivers would say, "You think it don't be like it is but it do".

Dr. Douglas wrote an article in the British Medical Journal which uses this incident to illustrate that champagne and wine are safer than beer when celebrating or making it rain.

Excessive alcohol consumption as a celebratory consequence of high profile sporting victories is well known. Oesophageal obstruction from a bottle cap, however, is rarely seen in emergency departments.^{1 2} In suspected cases, airways obstruction and injury should be rapidly excluded. A comprehensive Medline search failed to elicit an example of oesophageal obstruction secondary to the ingestion of a champagne (or wine) cork. Since the 18th century, champagne has been the beverage of choice for celebrations³ and on current evidence should remain so.

If anything, this incident should be looked at as a challenge to the next Aussie Rules champions. Let's see you down a bottle cap, mate.

Since we referenced it and you know you want it...

Happy Boxing Day

We at the Deuce hope yours is better than this clown's.


KO With The 1st Punch! - For more funny videos, click here

Thats Right...He's Starting

Figures Najeh Davenport starts when we're on X-mas break. Oh the jokes that could have been told...

Christmas Break

Yea, ok, I know our posting has come to a screeching halt this week so I'm just going say we're taking some time off Christmas Break. I'm working too much right now to make my yearly billable hours quota, Mustafa is in the same boat and has lost his home internet connection, so with the holidays coming up and no one really working & reading the blogosphere as much, we're just gonna take a break.

Its possible we could post, i'm not ruling that out, in fact it is probable, just don't expect our normal output until the new year. Happy Holidays peoples.

Houston Rockets Holiday Special

The Houston Rockets got together last year to try to wish everyone a merry Christmas with their own rendition of the song "12 days of Christmas"...hilarity ensued. My only wish is that Dikembe just should have been used more.

Video of Joe Namath Graduating

Everyone knows that Joe Namath finally completed college yesterday when he walked at Alabama's graduation ceremony. Well, if ya missed it on tv last night. Here it is. Broadway Joe gets quite an ovation. Yes, it is a slow news week for the Deuce. Leave us alone, its holiday time and we're mad busy. I like the end of the video where he's taking pictures, we know he's not drunk b/c he's not hitting on the fattie next to him.

Raw video: Joe Namath graduates college

Brilliant Crime Spree Foiled

Sometimes when news is slow, we have to post things that are tangentially related to sports...such as this. In New York City, Filroy Warner, professional con man, spent the last year getting free therapeutic sports massages while claiming he was an athlete who had a "groin injury". He got the massages for free because he paid for them with fake credit cards, he didn't stop there. He also grabed as much cash, jewelry and belongings as he can, and once even sexually assaulted one of his masseuses. Filroy had this brilliant scheme going for a year, but as most criminals are apt to do, he got greedy and on his 7th attempt at the EXACT SAME CRIME, in the EXACT SAME CITY, he was busted in an NYPD sting.

Now, no one ever said sexual assault is funny (unless you count the guys at MBSR), but that is one hell of a brilliant way to commit a robbery, Filroy just dipped his pen in the well too many times. The only way a genius idea like this could even be created is if he were high as shit too. It had to be like, "Yo, yo, yo man, i got this idea, son. See these fake ass credit cards here, son? What if i said i was Jordan, aight, and I needed my dong rubbed down because i pulled it yo', and I used these muthafuckin cards to get that junk for free yo'? Dawg I bet I could steal all dat cash in dat piece too!"

Oh to be a fly on that wall...and how great a name is Filroy for Christ's sake?

From: NY Post

Ravens Fan Left Out In The Cold

Ronnie Stack, aka "The Goof on the Roof", will not leave the roof of the Canton Station bar until the Ravens win another game. Baltimore is on an 8 game losing streak, with their most current loss to the previously winless Miami Dolphins bringing shame to all the Baltimore faithful.

The goof is up there all day and night, except for 1 hour a day where he attends to "personal" things. Luckily, the goof isn't totally stupid and he will not be on the roof all winter if the Ravens do not win their last 2 games. He says he'll come down in the offseason and be back up there next season until the Ravens win again. Go'wan hun! Don't wanna miss yawr jumboooos!

This is another in a long line of protests for Baltimore sports as the Sun points out:

His rooftop Hail Mary was inspired by a bartender who in 1991 climbed atop the roof of a Dundalk club to protest bickering between Orioles owner Eli Jacobs and then Gov. William Donald Schaefer over the name of the baseball stadium. The man stayed up there for 23 days. And though it didn't involve a roof, in 1988 disc jockey Bob Rivers broadcast for 11 days straight to coax the Orioles from a demoralizing record losing streak.

Our own Mustafa Redonkulous was on a roof yesterday as well, only he was going to throw himself off instead of staying up there. Fortunately for him, he choked as bad as the Ravens did, brokedown like the Ravens secondary and cried as we, his friends, carried him whimpering away. A sad sight indeed.

Photo shamlessly ripped from The Baltimore Sun

Fantasy Sports Have Gone Too Far

The largest payout in fantasy sports history has just been offered and it is not for the sport you think. As you can probably guess from the bosomy lady above, this payout isn't for fantasy football...it is for Fantasy Fishing. FLW Fantasy Fishing is paying out over $1.7 million in cash and prizes (boats, cars, trucks, ATVs, personal watercrafts, gift cards and more) during the Wal-Mart FLW Tour which includes a guaranteed $1 million cash grand prize to the winning fantasy fishing team.

So for your chance at the millions, you have to create and rank your own pro angler team of 10 anglers you think will place the highest in the each of the 7 FLW Tour events. The lucky fella who earns the most cumulative points over the seven events wins a cool 1 million bucks.

“Fantasy sports history will be made,” said Irwin Jacobs, chairman of FLW Outdoors. “Anyone could win and become the first-ever fantasy sports millionaire just by playing FLW Fantasy Fishing."

“With the popularity and profile of professional angling on the rise and with the first-ever, recently awarded $1 million first-place payout at the 2007 Forrest Wood Cup, we knew it was time to give the public an opportunity to win as well,”

Yes, fantasy sports have gone too far. The shocking thing is not that you now can become a millionaire from a fantasy sport, its that you can actually have a freakin' fantasy fishing team. I thought fantasy poker, golf and Nascar were bad, but this is possibly the dumbest thing I've heard of.

And yet...I am going to have to play in it just for a shot at that damn million dollars. Curse my love of the ever weakening dollar! What is next for fantasy sports? Is there fantasy spelling bee yet? Fantasy Competative Eating?

From FLWOutdoors
Fantasy Fishing site is here
Fishing babe from here

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Ok, so this isn't really sports related, but I just saw this movie trailer for what has to be the single greatest (worst?) film EVER MADE. You cannot go wrong with a film that has a hot young Asian schoolgirl, who has a machine gun for an arm, with ninjas and the yakuza, sex, revenge, incredibly graphic violence with chainsaws, a flying guillotine, a drill bra and oh...did I mention SHE HAS A MACHINE GUN FOR A FUCKING ARM! Well you can go wrong, but it would be difficult. Alright, enough mindless filler hype...give this a view if you've never seen this and you are a B Movie/Kung Fu fan. Probably want to put the headphones on if you're at work.

Rasheed Wallace: The Lost Wu-Tang Member

Rasheed Wallace, like a few NBA players, enjoys rapping. He got caught on film entering the arena by ESPN rapping recently, but did you know that that isn't his first rap caught on tape? Watch below, we've got the ESPN video, then some other YouTube video that claims to be Rasheed's rapping on an album. Every motherfuckin' baller wants to be a rapper and every motherfuckin' rapper wants to be a baller. Its the same old story, G.

Twas The Night Before The Mitchell Report

'Twas the night before the Mitchell Report, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The needles were trashed by the attendants with care,
In knowing that St. Mitchell soon would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of suspensions danced in their heads;

And Selig in his cheap suit and Fehr in his pleats,
Had just settled down from a long winter's meets,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
Selig sprang from his office to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the mini-blinds and threw up in the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to his wondering eyes should meet,
But a bald headed man, and eight tiny athletes,

With a little old body, but so lively and fickle,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Mitchell.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Bonds! now, Gullien! now, Sosa and Clemens!
On, Tejada! on Giambi! on, Ankiel and Leyritz!

To the top of the ballpark! to Capitol Hill on the Mall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry heaves follow Selig's regurgitated pie,
When they meet with the press, and pray to the sky,

So up to the press-room the coursers they flew,
With a town car full of needles, indictments, Mitchell too.

And then, in a twinkling, Selig heard on the tube
The hemming and hawing of each ball playing dude.

As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the hall St. Mitchell came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, in his hand was a book,
And the book told the tales of many a crook;

A bundle of pages he said told the truth,
Of a number of players whom he was sent to sleuth.

His eyes -- black like a hole! his glasses how boring!
His jowls like chicken theighs, his nose caused him snoring!

His sour little mouth was drawn down like a loon,
And the skin of his chin was as wrinkled as a prune;

The specter of a steroids he held tight in his grip,
And the terror it gave caused a many tear drip ;

He had a tiny face and a little bic pen,
That pointed when he spoke again and again.

He was lean and thin, a right miserable old elf,
And Selig cowered when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Selig to know he had everything to dread;

He spoke many a word, and told of his works,
And filled all the public, with stories of jerks;

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out the press room he rose;

He sprang to his Lincoln Town Car, to the players gave a bow,
And to their agents they all ran with many a furrowed brow.

But Selig heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Mitchell Report to all, and to all a good-night."

Inspiration for this story was this post by the 800lb Gorilla. Their title made me do this.

UPDATE: The gals at Babes Love Baseball have their own take they put up after the report came out. Its quite good, I'd recommend reading it.

FUK U DOME!!!

Sorry. I just wanted to get that out of the way before everyone piles on.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Roof Rollerblading

This is why you should NOT rollerblade off your roof. This is one of the worst face plants i've seen or heard. Just watch the recoil from his face hitting the ground. Yikes, not for the faint of heart. Enjoy your random video of horrific violence Thursday.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that. Didn't expect you to be waiting here after all this time. Let's do this.

Dominus Ominus. Run That Donerkabob!


First the Kurds and now the crosses. It seems like everyone's against Turkey these days. Good thing people like the military and Fenerbahce are there to stand up for all the little Ataturkamanics out there.

A Turkish lawyer is demanding that UEFA rescind the three points Inter Milan took from Fenerbahce during the Champions League group stage because...Inter were wearing jerseys displaying a large red cross.

The shirt's scheme saw a big red cross on a white background, a symbol of the city of Milan, and reminded many of an emblem of the order of the Templars, which is considered offensive in Islamic culture.

Inter consciously did not wear their 'centenary shirt' in their first match against Fenerbahce in Istanbul, but at home, they did not think it was necessary to do the same.

Basis Kaska, a European law expert, filed the official protest after the Turkish media and viewers raised a ruckus.

Inter has worn the centenary jersey on several occasions. They decided not to wear the shirt in Istanbul because it would be insulting but thought it wouldn't be in Milan? Interesting. Mi scusi!


Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves

Steven Gerrard. Liverpool. Dirty thieving Scousers. Home burglary.

Football365 put it best. Stereotypes makes things easy.

Come on down, $tevie Me! You're the next Liverpool player to get jacked! Steven Gerrard is the sixth Liverpool player to be robbed while away on international or Champions League duty.

Gerrard's WAG, Alex Curran was in the house along with another woman when they were confronted by burglars in hoods. The robbers made off with jewlery.

At this point, Ladbrokes should be taking wagers on the next Liverpool player to be jacked. It might be a little harder for thieves since England's staying home during the international breaks. If the thieves are Liverpool fans (if...hah!), they'd rob the worst performing players to make them step their game up.


Where In The World Is Ray Lewis


There's no way Ray Lewis could have taken Sunday night's blowout loss to the Colts well. I know I was in a stabby mood by halftime. I mean how is it possible to score that many points in one quarter?? I digress.

If Ray Ray's like me except with means, he would have gone to Rome to blow off some stea.....Wait it looks like he did. How do I know?

Five Manchester United fans were taken to hospital tonight and two Britons arrested following trouble ahead of the Champions League tie with Roma at the Stadio Olimpico. Manchester-based police initially confirmed they had received reports of three supporters being stabbed but the number requiring medical assistance rose even though there was nowhere near the same scale of violence that scarred the last meeting between the two teams in April. The precise extent of the injuries sustained in the trouble has not been verified.

That's how I know.

United ended up drawing 1-1 with Roma. They're through to the knockout stages while Rangers shamed Scotland by losing 3-0 to Lyon in a must-win match.


And Who Would That Be, Tommy? Ze Austrians?


Not if the Austrians have anything to do with it.

You'd think Austria would be all excited and shit about hosting Euro 2008 especially since the English and their cultured, respectful fans won't be in attendance. However this isn't the case.

They do want to co-host the tournament with Switzerland. They'd just prefer it if their national team didn't participate. As a matter of fact, they'd like the people to make sure it doesn't happen by signing a petiton which states the following:

Dear football fans!

Your entering this site is no coincidence.
It means you care about attractive football.
It means you appreciate a blind pass that actually reaches its destination.
It means you thoroughly enjoy amazing dribbling skills.
It means you jump for joy when a free kick is expertly bent into the far corner of the goal.
In short: it means you love this great sport for the sheer beauty of it.

However, it also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watchimg a match featuring the Austrian national football team.
For all those displays of true skill, on a field taken by our team, occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts.
This cannot be blamed on anyone.

Even though we have spent twenty years buying ageing stars, even though wealthy patrons supply one of our clubs with several times their usual budgets only to be rewarded with a fraction of their success of lore, even though twenty-six-year-olds who barely stumble through their second match playing for foreign second-league clubs are discovered as incredibly promising new talents and immediately ordered into the national team – nothing so far has helped.

It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in the EURO 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. We understand.

By signing this Petitionyou urge the Austrian Football Association (Österreichischer Fußballbund; OEFB) to voluntarily resign from participating in the EURO 2008.
Austria was once a country with a keen sense for aesthetics. „...a people gifted for beauty“, as a verse of our national anthem states – an anthem our players barely manage to stammer along to, as they palefacedly contemplate yet another grueling encounter with the ball and the opponent.

We want to show the world that we still embrace beauty. And at the same time, we want to do something that is as alien to our people as the names of our strikers are to foreign football experts: To show some dignity!

It's hard to argue with that.

Thanks to RH for the tip.


Sex Shrek

Memories...

60% of the time, it works every time? Please, we're talking 80% here.

Step aside, Sex Panther. Wayne Rooney has a new scent that's going to be illegal in 13.5 countries. It's called Sex Shrek. It's too much for just cologne. It's going to be the signature scent in a new line of toiletries being launched by Rooney. The line will also include a shower gel and deodorant.

It's expected the line will be a success. A focus group of 300 over-50 hookers was used and 80% can't be wrong.

Petrino Joins Exclusive Club

By now you've all read that Bobby Petrino has quit 13 games into his first season as an NFL coach to go become the head coach at Arkansas. This got me wondering, what other NFL coaches had quit in the middle of his first season as an NFL head coach...that list was small.

Since the AFL/NFL merger, only one coach quit in the middle of a season, Lou Holtz. Coincidentally, Lou went to go coach Arkansas after quitting just 13 games into his first season as a NFL head coach (for the Jets). Lou fared pretty well with the razorbacks, going 60-21-2 with 6 bowl games. After getting fired and going to Minnesota, then moving on to Notre Dame, well, people forgot that he was a quitter in the NFL.

So the question is, will that happen with Petrino?

Well, Petrino was a pretty good head coach at Louisville, but he has only been a head coach for 4 years at the collegiate level and about two thirds of a pro season. Holtz, on the other hand, coached 7 years in college at two schools before his job in the NFL, where he quit with just one game left. Edge goes to Holtz on this one, he was a pretty established coach already. Petrino just had one recruiting cycle to prove himself and he didn't do anything in the pros to show he could coach on much more balanced playing field.

Coaching skills aside, the real reason Petrino will never be seen as anything more than a quitter is that he is really lacking is some personality. Holtz had (and still has) that in spades. Some people describe Petrino's personality as "that of a doorknob"...that doesn't bode well in the rewriting of his history. The media and fans will eat him faster than his former players did. Who wants to consider Petrino's side of the story when no one can stand the guy? He might always be "a quitter".

Bobby Petrino has pretty much shot himself in the foot. He will be adored only by Arkansas fans, but only if he wins. If he loses he will be castigated there like he currently is throughout the nation and it might very well end his career as a head coach. Nick Saban hasn't recovered from his quitting the Dolphins one year removed from doing so and it will be awhile before people forget that. This looks to be way worse. If he doesn't win in Arkansas, he is probably done.

(note, if my 5 seconds of research on this issue is wrong, do let me know!)

Watch The New Blog Show

We made it again, much thanks to Jamie and Dan for giving us the hookup for the Staubach video. Watch the whole thing and enjoy!

More videos from the "Burly Sports Show" channel at Burlysports.com

Old And Busted: Soulja Boy

New Hotness: Jonathan Ogden

Ravens tackle Jonathan Ogden has come a long way from his initial Gebco efforts. He's learned one or two more steps and dropped the acting. Too bad he didn't have a chance to use those dancing skils last night. Witness the brilliance that is Jonathan Ogden. Jazz hands!!

Have Yourself An NFL Christmas

For the devoted NFL fan, the holidays present a difficult time where you are supposed to take down all the beautiful fatheads, posters of the players you idolize, the starting lineup action figures, the jerseys, etc...and put up holiday decorations dedicated to some fat guy in a red suit who is the coach of a team of elves. Its difficult. Well, we at the Deuce have you covered. We're going to show you how to decorate your house for Christmas...NFL style.

No one ever said the NFL did not do everything in its power to make a buck...and we're here to show you that Christmas isn't really about baby Jesus or crass commercialism, its just another way to show your NFL fandom.

First off, you need a stocking on the fireplace, hung with care of course. Luckily, the NFL has branded some for you!
Look at that, they have even stuck that fat red guy on the stocking, like he is a part of your favorite team. That's just fantastic. If you want a more traditional look for your stocking, you can get it in team colors with no fat red guy on top, like this:

Ok, now that we have stockings covered, we must move to the tree. You've got this big dead tree sitting in your residence that is covered by lights and nick knacks that mean nothing to you whatsoever. The only thing that means anything to you is your NFL team, right? Well you are in luck...the NFL has branded some for you!

Wow, nothing says Christmas more than having an NFL team helmet, logo, fat guy in an NFL branded outfit, or nutcrackers with NFL branded hats adorning a tree. But this tree would be dark if it did not have lights on it. Wouldn't you know it? The NFL has branded some for you!
Oh, and if you have a tree in your house, well you must put a skirt around it to collect those falling needles. Guess what, the NFL has branded some for you!

Excellent! Isn't that attractive? So you've got the tree covered. What are you supposed to wear to get into that holiday spirit? Surely the NFL has something for us here? Well if you want your own hat just like the fat guy, the NFL has branded some for you!

But what about the rest of the house? Mama says, nothing says holidays like cracking some nuts...and no one knows more about cracking nuts than the NFL. So it only makes sense that for the holiday season there would be a nutcracker with some NFL logos on them...and we're in luck. THE NFL HAS BRANDED SOME FOR YOU!

That is the single most intense looking nutcracker ever. He must be feeling the NFL Christmas spirit more than anyone. Lets say you want something a little more modern though. Well, you are totally in luck. Say you want a snowman, but you cannot have just a normal snowman, you need an NFL snow man. BINGO! The NFL has branded some for you!

Now that the inside of your house is covered in wonderful NFL branded Christmas trinkets, you have to add a finishing touch on the door in the form of a wreath. LUCKILY...the NFL has branded some for you!
Don't those look delightful. Everyone will feel the love with those wreaths. Nothing like a screaming bear or a sour face pirate to welcome in the holidays. However, if a wreath isn't enough for the outside of your house, you might want to think about some sort of lawn ornament. If only the NFL had something for us...oh wait...the NFL has branded some for us!
Don't those just say Merry Christmas? Whew...its good to know that the NFL has Christmas decorating covered.

Ooh la la SASSON!!

You may have seen these already, but I found them too funny not to post here on the Deuce. These are a couple of videos of some New York Rangers in the 80s finding themselves selling Sasson jeans. The limits some people go to make a dollar amaze me...oh right, I know we're not much better with this craptacular blog but hey, at lease we don't dance...at least we haven't been offered enough money to dance yet. Ohh la la...Sasson! Who are those guys?

The Coup De Grâce

This has nothing to do with sports unless you count the fact Gordon Ramsey used to play football in Scotland. If you haven't seen The F Word on BBC America, you should check it out. Gordon Ramsey lets himself go more than he does on Hell's Kitchen.

In this clip, he goes up against James May from Top Gear. Also an excellent show on BBC America. If you're at work, you should probably turn down the volume as F bombs fly left and right.

Barry Bonds Is Channeling Richard Nixon

Maybe someone hasn't told Barry Bonds anything about an indictment but he seems to think he's playing baseball next season.

Bonds' agent Jeff Borris (who must be the off-brand Boras) is damn determined to get his 10% next season.

"He's training currently and he'd like to come back in 2008 to put a World Series ring on his finger," Bonds' agent, Jeff Borris, told MLB.com. "Barry definitely wants to continue playing. So I'm actively pursuing jobs for him from teams that are committed to winning."

This is what it must have been like in the White House when Nixon finally released the tapes that showed he had knowledge of the Watergate cover up. What the problem is?

Who's going to be the one to tell Bonds that no team wants to go near him? He's more radioactive than Chernobyl right now. I guess Borris is Bonds' St. Clair.

It's too bad because he actually would help some AL team. He should pull a Rickey Henderson. Can you see him and Rickey on the same team? They could call Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden and Darren Daulton to join forces and run the Atlantic League.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

The Greatest Spike Of All Time

Here's some video of Brett Favre, Dorsey Levins, LeRoy Butler and Mark Chmura discussing endzone dances.



You should have seen me spike that high school girl in my hot tub. I can't dance but you betcha I can sure get rapey!

Droppin' Bombs Over Lima

They don't call Claudio Pizarro the Andean Bomber for nothing. Allow the Deuce to congratulate the Chelsea striker on finally scoring. Too bad it wasn't on the pitch or for Chelsea.

Pizarro, captain of the Peruvian national team, was busted for having an orgy with several of his teammates and some girls a few nights before getting destroyed 5-1 by Ecuador in a World Cup qualifier.

Pizarro and his teammates brought the women back to their hotel, donkey punched and drank all night. I can see it now. The scene looked like something from the Gin and Juice video except the players were wearing their soccer uniforms and spraying the women down with bottles of pisco. Pisco and sour, yeah I'm fucked up now. Laid back...

Who Hate Who In The What Now

Last week, Google released its list of top searches for 2007 in the UK. The usual suspects such as television personalities, models, beer, etc. were at the top. Among the top phrases were "I love movies" and "I love techno". None of this especially techno should come as a shock.

The hate list wasn't topped by "I hate food that's not boiled" or "I hate hair that isn't frosted". "I hate Ronaldo" was the top hate phrase. That would be Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo. Apparently the British hate him more than school or men in general. I can appreciate hatred of the greatest diver since Robert Pires but there are so many better things to hate like Robbie Savage, Liverpool and the Spice Girls.

Roger Staubach Loves Sex

Roger Staubach loves sex so much, he will tell it to you right to your face. He will say it just like he told this interviewer in 1975. He says he likes it just as much as Namath...um yea whatever. I guess he was a little jealous of all the attention Joe got for his love of the ladies. Its ok Rog, it is ok. You like sex. Good. Good for you man.

NEW T SHIRT: Elijah Dukes

That's right, Elijah Dukes is a Washington National, so it is only fitting that the Deuce welcomes him to town by giving him his own, brand new T shirt in Nationals navy blue. Its the "You Dead Dawg" t-shirt, in scary murderous font. Wear your Elijah T-shirt with pride and welcome the young man to DC. We need more upstanding citizens like this whippersnapper and there is no better way to say "I support this move by the National's management" by putting on a shirt with Elijah's most infamous quote. Get buying guys and gals! (Yes, it is available in ladies sizes.) You can click any of these links or over there on the left in the Deuce t-shirt box.

Sean Taylor Leads Pro Bowl Balloting

As of November 13th, Sean Taylor had 187,064 fan votes which leads all NFC free safeties in ballots cast. The way he was playing this season, he was well on the way to his 2nd pro bowl appearance (last year he was an alternate) but it is great that in the light of the recent tragedy, people are still thinking of him and wishing he was here. Voting continues until December 11th so cast a vote if you haven't already. Keep the memory of Sean Taylor alive.

NFL Gives Verizon Fios Users Extras

If you were one of the lucky 1.5 million households who subscribe to the Verizon Fios television & internet services then you can now participate in a testing of some new broadcasting features for watching NFL games. The NFL is testing the ability of home users to control the game's camera angles that they are watching on their NFL Network.

Verizon subscribers get the NFL Network as part of their basic package (unlike Comcast & Time Warner) and can change camera angles from the main feed to the sideline cam, the end zone cam, and the cable cam hovering above the field with their new Game Extra service. There is also a "quad" view showing the main feed and 3 alternate angles at once. You can even change the camera during commercial breaks so you can see what is going on on the field while the rest of America is watching commercials.

Yahoo Sports tested out the service last week and had this to say:

The ability to switch camera angles proved less useful than it sounds. While the sideline cam is, of course, located on the sideline, it does not always follow the action from the same angle. This is the actual camera used by the NFL Network, so sometimes the operator is zooming in on a particular player or the huddle or a coach on the bench to get a certain shot.

Indeed, the most entertaining part of the alternate camera angles was often the voyeuristic sense of watching close-ups of players preparing to line up or talking between snaps, images rarely seen during telecasts.

The cable cam consistently offered the most interesting angles, including a great close-up during a commercial of medical staff examining Packers quarterback Brett Favre after he injured his arm in the second quarter.

Pretty damn cool really. Too bad only 1.5 million people can use it. I would expect that Direct TV is going to get this service at some point, and hopefully if the NFL, Comcast and TWC can get their acts together and make peace we can all take advantage of this.

From Yahoo!