Monday, February 8, 2010

You're At The Wrong Place

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Police: Deon Anderson Pulls A Sean Taylor

It only took a couple weeks for NFL players to start acting crazy. Rey Maualuga just got one upped by Deon Anderson who has a warrant out for his arrest.

Anderson went crazy and pulled a gun on a parking valet after accusing him of tampering with his car. The arrest warrant states
On 02/02/10 at approximately 2:16 AM off duty officers working Black Finn (4440 Belt Line) were alerted by staff members of a man with a gun in the parking lot. Officers were pointed to an area where four males and two vehicles were. Complainant Mekonnen Gigi advised Deon Anderson was mad because of problems with his vehicle, and accused him of tampering with the vehicle. Gigi stated Anderson retrieved a handgun from the car and asked him why he was laughing. Gigi stated he was in fear of imminent bodily injury or death when Anderson displayed the firearm. The firearm was recovered from the shrubs nearby, and was
found to be loaded with a round chambered.
The parking lot confrontation isn't the first time Anderson has made the papers for bringing the ruckus. He and Flozell Adams fought on a team flight after a loss to the Eagles in 2008 when the Cowboys season fell apart. Marcus.

We'd like to credit Marcus Vick for inspiring Anderson but a hat tip to the late Sean Taylor is more appropriate given the circumstances. We're talking ATVs not home invasion and murder. We'll leave that to Wilbon. Sean Taylor whipped out some guns on Ryan Hill, a Miami resident who he thought stole his property. At least he thought he was wronged? Marcus Vick just went crazy on some kids in a Burger King parking lot because he's a Vick and that's just how they was raised.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a minute since we've posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We're ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT's Bentley. Let's do this!

The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls

Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey's finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can't pay him and wants to sell his best players.

The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager's trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.
He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.

Ain't no shame in Avram's game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It's the Chelsea way.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Chad Pennington Can't Take A Hint

Guess which perpetually injured quarterback who has trouble throwing the ball more than 30 yards wants back on an NFL field? Chad Pennington of course! Even more shocking is that the Dolphins wouldn't mind him back as an insurance option for Chad Henne, but they need to see if he can actually throw a 15 yard out route first. That's right, they aren't sure if he can hit a 15 yard out route because his arm/shoulder have been so shredded throughout his career. Isn't that what you want in a backup quarterback?

Lets take a look at Chad's injury history in his 9 seasons of pro football real quick:

  • 2002 - Fracture/dislocation on his left (non-throwing) hand (missed 6 games)
  • 2004 - Injured right rotator cuff (missed 4 games)
  • Feb  2005 - Surgery to repair substantial tear in the right rotator cuff, as well as a large bone spur.
  • Sept 2005 - Injured right rotator cuff.
  • Oct  2005 - Surgery to repair his right rotator cuff.
  • 2007 - High ankle sprain (missed 1 game); benched after 8 games.
  • Sept 2009 - Injured right shoulder.
  • Oct  2009 - Surgery to repair labrum tear and shoulder capsule.
Wow...ok. If this was baseball, this guy would only be tossing balls for a rec league softball team. A guy who never had much arm strength to begin with, coming off his 3rd shoulder surgery, who has only played in 16 games twice in his career, seriously wants to give it another go? I dont want to be the bearer of bad news but, c'mon, read the tea leaves Chad.

Pennington needs to listen to his body more than his heart. He may have the desire to play still, but his body has already told him he just shouldn't do it.

From Miami Herald

The Good News Is, You Didn't Die

The bad news?  Well, you fell into a hole in a mountain son.  Check this skier out who narrowly avoids death while falling off a mountain top, crashing upon landing, then falling into a hole in the earth.  If they could dub Homer Simpson's voice throughout his fall i'd imagine its something like "D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'ohD'ohD'ohD'ohD'oh! D'ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."  Amazing that he lived.

From On The Edge

Sean Avery Is Not Impressed By John Terry's Latest Conquest

"Chelsea wherever you may be, don't leave your wife with John Terry!"

England manager Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry had lost the England captain's armband. He asked him to look under his bed. Bam!

The terrace chants, songs and jokes are heating up as more details begin to emerge from Terrygate. The latest reports may actually help Terry save his job as captain. What could save his armband besides proof that he didn't have an affair with the former nightclub worker? It turns out that he wasn't the only Chelsea player to have a go at Bridgey's ex.

The Sun reports that former players Eidur Gudjohnsen, Adrian Mutu and one unnamed player also ran up in Perroncel while she was working at a nightclub frequented by Chelsea players. Terry's just getting sloppy fifths. Gudjohnsen allegedly warned Bridge about Perroncel's super-WAG/ho-ish intentions but he didn't listen. Whoa, hold up...

The Mail claims that the number is up to seven as two CURRENT Chelsea players have been identified as also being Perroncel dick bandits. They remain unnamed for now. Don't be surprised to learn that mascot Stamford the Lion also made sweet love to her.

Bridge might want to consider a paternity test to make sure he's the father of their child. This sounds like a job for Maury. 

Tim Tebow Just Got Owned

"I gather that Tim Tebow is extremely good at football. That's just as well, for he certainly isn't very good at thinking."  - Richard Dawkins (Former Professor of the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford; author of "The God Delusion" and "The Greatest Show on Earth".)

From The Washington Post

Kevin Harlan Is Not Impressed That JaMarcus Russell Stays Flossed Out

Oh my God, he's fat again. There's no other way to say it. JaMarcus Russell is larger than life. Literally and figuratively. Yes, he's bigger than all 32 remaining Backstreet Boys fans put together. He threw away the Raiders season like it was a salad. He skipped the last team meeting to head to Vegas and now he can't go to a basketball game without being called out for sucking by the announcers.

Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins were calling a NBA game when TNT's cameras caught Jamarcus Russell in some floor seats. They could have quickly acknowledged his presence and moved on to other topics. Let's just say he caught their eye for more than a couple seconds.

JaMarcus Russell2019s Bling Holding Back His Game - Watch more Funny Videos

Harlan and Collins should show some understanding. JaMarcus is not a man with much time on his hands. There are countless hours that need to be spent in the buffet line as well as the film room and jewelry store. His theme song has been All You Can Eat but his ice is so blingy. He's earned Bling Bling as his alternate anthem.
Medallion iced up, Rolex bezelled up
And his pinky ring is platinum plus
Earrings be trillion cut
And his grill be slugged up 
Don't you know JaMarcus is tryin' to put platinum eyebrows on these hoes? Back up off him!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

South African President Jacob Zuma Salutes John Terry's Vigor

British tabloids are bloody outraged over John Terry's alleged affair with former Chelsea and current England teammate Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Commentators are screaming for his head like al-Shabab. They want him removed as England captain yesterday. What's England manager Fabio Capello to do?

Terry is accused of giving the Double D to Perroncel not soon after they broke up. It's alleged that he not only slept with her but also knocked her up. The England and Chelsea captain is married with two children. Sticky situation but it's not all bad. He was man enough to pay for the abortion. Problem solved, yes? Hell no.

Stories of the affair came to light when tabloid News of the World took pictures of the Chelsea and England captain leaving Perroncel's house in his Bentley. Terry sought and received a superinjunction to prevent the story's publication. Legal fail. The high court overturned it and the story quickly became a superclusterfuck when it was splashed across the front page of every major paper in the UK.

Normally the private lives of athletes and other famous people should stay as such in spite of the media and general public's obsession with every detail of their idols' lives. The Deuce always respects th....Never mind. Is this situation different? Terry is supposed to lead England in their World Cup campaign. It's rumored that Bridge won't travel to South Africa if Terry remains captain or even on the team depending which reports one believes. There are also claims that Terry isn't the only professional footballer to get a professional from Perroncel. This could get messier before it gets better for the involved parties.

Instead of hiring a PR representative, Terry should take some advice from South African president, Jacob Zuma. He just fathered his 20th child with the daughter of friend, Sonono Khoza. There ain't no shame in his game. He has multiple children from seven women which include his "current three wives" as well as various other women. The Khoza family wasn't pleased and sought discussions over "inhlawulo, the customary Zulu damages payable when a child is born out of wedlock". Problem solved? Yes.

Khoza is the chairman of the South Africa's World Cup organizing committee. You think Zuma's love child is going to blow up the biggest sporting event in the world? No way. Is anyone talking about Zuma stepping down from the presidency? Of course not. Bill Clinton was president of the wrong country.

England needs to tighten up. Terry isn't the first pro athlete to cheat or knock someone up and he won't be the last. No doubt the situation is ugly for the involved parties. It makes for juicy gossip and speculation but it shouldn't threaten England's chances at the World Cup. There will be hundreds of excuses to choose from when they inevitably choke. This drama should be handled internally by Capello and his decision should be respected. The FA and British govermnent should keep their noses out of it. They've made it apparent over the years that they have no clue what they're doing when it comes to soccer. The team is ultimately Capello's responsibility. It might be worth talking to Sven as he has experience with handling these types of situations from every angle. Know what I'm sayin'?

There are some lessons to be learned from this mess. Never leave your lady around John Terry. Never leave valuables around his mother. Always look for his dad when you're ready to have a good time. "Come on, Chelsea" has taken on a whole new meaning.

** The Deuce declares all conflicts unlike Howard Kurtz. Mustafa is a long-time Chelsea supporter. He is only interested in Terry keeping his head on straight when he's playing for the Blues.

Lets Make Some Prop Bets!

The greatest thing about the super bowl every year is not at all the game itself, no, its the money that can be made off the game by the silly ass prop bets that can be made. Lets look at some of the best and most random ones that are available to you, the silly gambler. (for those that don't know, picking something +100 or +1000 is good value. If you take an event +1000, if you bet 100 dollars you would win 1000. If you take an event +5000, if you bet 100 dollars you win 5000. Move the decimal point as you want depending on your wager or the odds given to you. Now you know how to gamble).

What will team call for opening Coin Toss
Heads -130
Tails +100
First score of the game is a safety +5000

First O lineman to be called for a safety
Carl Nicks, Jahri Evans, Jeff Saturday, Jonathan Goodwin, Kyle DeVan, and Ryan Lilja all have the worst odds at +800

The first punt of the game will be:
Caught Clearly -275
Ball Hits Ground +200
Out of Bounds in Air +800
Touchback +300
Blocked or Tipped +1500
The ultimate coin flip bet, Brees (or Manning) total pass yrds made will be end in an
Even Number -105 or Odd Number -105
Will both teams make a FG of 33+ yards in game
Yes +170
No -210
For the Buffalo Bills fans out there "First missed field goal in the game will be..."
Wide Left -120
Wide Right -110
What will happen for the 1st coaches challenge
Play overturned -115
Play stands -115
How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem? Clock starts as soon as Underwood sings first Note and Stops when she sings her last note.
Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds EVEN
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds -130
What will the Neilson TV Rating be?
Over 42.9 Nielsen Rating -165
Under 42.9 Nielson Rating +135