Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Its Ok, I Know You're Upset

No, despite all appearances, Deuce of Davenport is still an active and fully functioning blog. This is just our annual end of the year break. You see, our day jobs require us to bill a certain amount of hours every year. Some years we make the hours early, most we don't and have to scramble. With the holidays and the end of the year billing requirements, yes, the blog suffers.

Fret not though, we'll be back and business will be as usual in the coming new year. 2010...year the Deuce blows up!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 15 Pick Em

Real quick now:

Green Bay at PITTSBURGH -3
MIAMI +5 at Tennessee
New England at BUFFALO +7
ARIZONA -14 at Detroit
San Francisco at PHILADELPHIA -9
ATLANTA +5.5 at NY Jets
CHICAGO +10.5 at Baltimore
Houston at ST. LOUIS +14
Oakland at DENVER -14
Tampa Bay at SEATTLE -6.5
Minnesota at CAROLINA +9
NEW YORK GIANTS -1 at Washington

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

These Seem Safe

Saw this while reading the always great Cheap Seats Daily by Dave McKenna and I just had to post it here. Carpet slides? Lets take the fun of sliding on a hardwood floor and do it on carpets too! Holy hell. How in the world did these things make it to market? How many things can go wrong here? Rug burn, sprained ankles, broken legs and i'm sure something like this

If these can be on the market, might as well bring jarts back. I want my lawn darts!

Soccer Not Allowed!


Olympic Weightlifter Lifts Weight, Drops Baby

 Elizabeth Poblete is a 22 year old Olympic weighlighter from Chilie. She is one strong woman, she can definitely lift more weight than you can that's for sure as you can see above.  Unfortunately for Poblete, she might not be the smartest person because she apparently forgot she had sex 9 months ago and she apparently forgot to use any birth control and she apparently forgot she was supposed to have a period.  She apparently didn't notice any of the signs of a pregnancy at all because while she was lifting weights the other day in Brazil, training for the Olympics...she gave birth to a baby boy.  Whoops!  Her bad!

Talk about a tailor made case for that TLC show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". Yes, this is an actual show.  This is apparently such a common occurrence that there are enough women out there to fill an entire season's worth of episodes.   Well now they have a good start to season 2.  Just for these clueless women tell their stories of how they had no idea a being was growing inside them.

From Guardian UK

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 14 Pick Em

Another week, another pick em.  I must admit, its getting a little old doing the pick ems.  This week, time ran short on me and I am putting them up late.  Thats the horrible thing about working a day job and having blogging be your night gig.  If you actually go to sleep at a reasonable time of night, you don't get much blogging done.  So, basically, blame me having to meet my hours requirement for the year on not posting.  Nevertheless, I would be remiss if I missed a week's worth of picks.

Last week, I went 6-8, a truly disappointing number for sure.  Also went winless on the Upset Special and Lock of the Week.  Not good for my overall stats, which now stand at 98-82-2, 7-6 on the Locks and 5-8 on the Upsets.  Pretty horrible really, you could probably do just as well picking from a coin toss.  Which, the last week, I will do because everyone pretty much knows who is in and out of the playoffs, teams are resting starters ands basically a crapshoot as to who will win.

The picks this week are going to be just the picks, writing up a column takes too much time in front of a computer and after sitting in front of a computer all week making redactions on document after document...well I just need a little break from this fun little box.  Its not often I say that about fun boxes either.    Anyway, lets give you what you want, the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Olivia from the Seattle Seahawks. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER +7 at Indianapolis
CINCINNATI +6.5 at Minnesota
NY Jets at TAMPA BAY +3.5
Buffalo at KANSAS CITY +1
New Orleans at ATLANTA +10
Detroit at BALTIMORE -13.5
Carolina at NEW ENGLAND -13
SEATTLE +6.5 at Houston
Washington at OAKLAND +1
SAN DIEGO +3 at Dallas
Philadelphia at NY Giants UNDER 44
ARIZONA -3 at San Francisco

ST. LOUIS +13 at Tennessee

GREEN BAY -3.5 at Chicago

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tiger Woods on eHarmony

Awesome video made by the good people and friends of the Deuce at Wondershot, Tiger and Elin in an eHarmony-esque commercial.  Great for a laugh.  Check it out.

Teddy Bear Apocalypse

Those poor bears...they never had a chance.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Next Ovechkin

This kid has one amazing trick shot up his sleeve.  He is already a greater goal scorer at 9 years old than you will ever be in your entire life...and if you are a professional hockey player reading this, it even includes you.  This is just simply, the sickest hockey goal that I have ever seen...ever.  The best reaction to it is the goalie who is like "WTF do I do against this??"  Just awesome.  Watch.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Friday, December 4, 2009

The University Of Phoenix Has Nothing On Tim Tebow's School Of Life

What's that you say? You want us to mail it in and give you more video? Done and done. Our friends over at Wondershot passed along this video which takes some well-deserved shots at Tim Tebow.

I'd be down just for the Gator crocs and a chance to gets my circumcision on. If I don't get into Tebow, I'm on the wait list for LaGarrette Blount.

Random Video Of The Day

It's Friday. You may or may not have a job but you probably don't have shit to do except surf the internets for random videos until it's time to leave and start drinking. Let us handle that for you today.

Put Will Arnett and David Cross together in anything and we're down. This Channel 4 pilot called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret is nothing short of brilliant. Warning: NSFW language.

Shut your fucking talkhole! We'll get back to the sports when we're good and ready. Now where did I put that Thunder Muscle?

Chimp's NFL Week 13 Pick Em

Last week we went a lame 6-7-2, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week.  Of course, things could've changed if i was allowed to pick the 'Skins and and change my Patriots bet to New Orleans which I did later in my own personal action, but you gotta roll with what ya got, and what I've got is an overall record of 92-74 with 2 pushes.  My locks of the week are now 7-5 and my upset specials are 5-7.  Quite a mirror image there.  We know we can do better though and we strive for perfection this week, lucky 13.  Shall we get on to the picks?  As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Melissa from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Real Madrid Has A Genius Marketing Team

Real Madrid knows that sex sells, so the team has decided to start up its own futbol inspired lingerie line for men to enjoy.  Well i mean i guess women can enjoy it too, but c'mon, you add a submarine sammich in this picture and its about every man's wet dream staring right at you.  You want another picture?  You got it.

The underwear sets are pretty subtle though, its not like the Real Madrid branding is all over it in a gaudy fashion, no its subtle, delicate...smooth...supple...ahem.  God bless the soccer marketing geniuses.  If you want to pick up some of these suckers, you gotta wait until March tho.  Boo-hoo.

I hope the NFL, kings of marketing here in the US, take notice here.  Well, for that matter, lets hope all American professional sports look at this and copy it. This is how it should be done if you want to get your name plastered on the sexy naughty bits of women everywhere.  Lets hope they can make it happen.  Of course if it does happen here in the states, i guarantee you that the majority of the women everywhere who would actually wear this stuff...probably shouldnt be seen in it if you want to keep your eyes intact.

Like, for example, her...

Spoiler Alert: Roy Jones Jr. Gets Knocked Into Bolivian Down Under

Mike Tyson pulled a genius move for his last fight. He decided to get wrecked by a tomato can in the nation's capital. It is your right to lose. At least Roy Jones Jr. traveled to the other end of the earth to get beat down by a nobody. It's two days from now in Australia already.
"Damn, son! You got knocked the fuck out!"
"Man, you're living in the past. I'm on some other shit right now."
Jones traveled to Sydney to fight Australian Danny Green for some belt. It's supposedly called the IBO world cruiserweight title belt. It's probably made out of Aborigines and gold. I'm having a title fight for my belt in Vanuatu next month. The belt's composition shouldn't matter to Jones because he didn't make it out of the first round. See for yourself. It'll save you the trouble of watching Versus.

Jones should go back to rapping. He's no worse than most rappers from the South. He can fight Soulja Boy over who should be called Superman. He should win that fight.

Let's not be too hard on the former champ. He didn't make any excuses for his performance. However he has to feel terrible that he lost to a guy who came out to Down Under by Men At Work. That should signal the end of a career especially one as great as Jones'.
It looks like Jamal Lewis can get a jump start on that trucking business he wants to start with Nate Newton and Bam Morris. He's done playing football after suffering a season-ending concussion. Vince Young might want to stay off his radar if he doesn't want to get the Hoge treatment from him.

Ataturk Said There Would Be Days Like This

Commentators love to wax idiotically about American team rivalries as being among some of the most heated in the world. Assclowns like Woody Paige or Jay Mariotti always mention Red Sox-Yankees, Duke-Carolina, Ohio State-Michigan, etc. None of the matchups come close to generating the hate of Celtic-Rangers, Real Madrid-Barcelona or Galatasary-Fenerbahce.

The following is footage from Galatasary-Fenerbahce. You may not know of these two Turkish teams but their supporters are rowdy and dangerous enough to make English fans think twice about traveling to Turkey.

Now Fenerbahe knows how the Armenians felt back in the day. What? Too soon?

Hat tip to the player that decided to take the corner after his teammate bailed. At least he didn't have a pig's head thrown at him like Luis Figo. Then again it could have been a "Fuck that, send the black guy to take the kick" situation.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Game Days Is The Worst Days So We Drink Hennessy When We Thirsty

The Lakers better not go on a losing streak otherwise Ron Artest might go back to the Henny and skunk with a bit of Brand Nubian-style beatin' down punks on the side. The drama and quote machine is back in the spotlight after an interview which will appear in the Sporting News magazine on December 7th. All topics were covered from St. John's to the infamous fight at the Palace.

The interview also touched on Artest's partying ways. It's a good thing Tiger decided that there was sex in the champagne room otherwise more people would have noticed Charlie Weis crying in a bathtub full of mac and cheese. They'd also be making noise about Artest's admission that he used to drink during halftime when he played for the Bulls.
"I used to drink Hennessy … at halftime," Artest says in the interview, which hits newsstands this week. "I (kept it) in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store (near the stadium) and get it."
Anyone who has been to the United Center knows there might as well be scalpers selling Hennessy and Courvoisier along with pints of Gordon's Gin outside the arena. Artest probably cashed his paychecks at the same place he bought the hen-rock.

Artest admitted that he partied every day and night while playing for St. John's. His drinking kept up when he reached the NBA.
"When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild. A lot of marijuana and alcohol—even before (that age). … I (still) party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night."
Who knew being a single pimp father was the key to getting your party on? Shawn Kemp and Jason Caffey must have stories for days. They sure have kids for months. If there's anyone that should be drinking every day, it's a New Jersey Net. At least it'll give him an excuse for sucking so much.

We didn't even get to the part of the interview where he discusses how he still wants to fight Ben Wallace. Oh, he's willing to get his suspension on again.

The Seahawks And Music Failed Long Before Super Bowl XL

Who can forget the Seattle Seahawks coming out to the Verve's Bittersweet Symphony at Super Bowl XL? You knew they were going to lose as soon as you heard the song. Who comes out to a song like that? They might as well have run out while Peabo Bryson blasted from the speakers. Yah Mo Be There, on the other hand, would have guaranteed victory.

The Seahawks and music fail go way back like BK's and jheri curls. Check this disaster by the 1985 Seahawks called Locker Room Rock. It's no Ram It but sweet baby jesus...

It's nice to see that Mike Tice is as good at dancing as he is at scalping Super Bowl tickets. Off-brand Michael Jackson was down but where was Steve Largent? He was probably out slaying non-believers with Jim Zorn.

Needless to say, the Seahawks didn't make the Super Bowl in 1985. The Super Bowl Shuffle came out on top while Locker Room Rock didn't even warrant a shameful bronze.

When Ramming It Goes Wrong

Rammie feels your pain. Sike.

Some things should be left to the Los Angeles Rams. Vince Ferragamo, losing, rocking LA, coming till they put them on their back, ramming it all day and all night, etc. The Derby County Rams should probably stick to not getting relegated.

Derby mascot Rammie the Ram was forced to send an apology to Reading's Brian Howard after mocking him while he was injured during a match on Saturday. Rammie thought Howard was faking an injury so he ran on the field and lay down while the physio attended to him. It turns out Howard had a broken jaw. D'oh.

Derby confirmed that Rammie sent a letter to Howard and Reading FC. Hopefully the page was blank except for a hoof print. I challenge you to show me a ram that can talk let alone write.

Mark Sanchez Channels His Inner Goo Goo Doll

Mark Sanchez doesn't know Rod Strickland so one has to assume that he learned how to eat a hot dog on the sidelines from Jamarcus Russell. The Jets were playing the Raiders and Russell has been known to tackle several Denny's Beer Barrel Busters while on the bench. One can only imagine what he's eating now that he's been permanently benched.

Sanchez is taking lessons in other areas as well. Yankees manager Joe Girardi stopped by the Jets training facility to talk to the team and give Sanchez sliding lessons.
"I’ve never really been a slider. In baseball, I slid head first. In football, I’ve done the same thing, or tried to get out of bounds or throw the ball away. It’s something that you need to learn at this level. Once you get the first down or as many yards as you need, just protect yourself and protect the ball and give yourself a chance to play."
That should take care of the interceptions and bad decisions. Jeff George would have been a better teacher. He could have shown Sanchez what diving, sorry sliding is about. It works best when you're in the pocket and have good protection. More room to dive.

Sanchez and coach Rex Ryan might need a more sensitive approach. Ryan probably cried while looking at Girardi's World Series gear. New York Magazine reported that Sanchez broke down while watching The Blind Side. Hopefully he doesn't do that every time he sees a lineman of Michael Oher's size bearing down on him. If Ryan was going to call in a baseball player, he should have looked to Bronson Arroyo. His sliding lessons would be more their speed.

Hold me closer, Tiny Trojan.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This Breesus Thing is Getting A Little Out of Control

KSK documented LSUFreek's Breesus pics a little while ago, strange yes, sacrilegious as well and it keeps going and going and going...

Antoine Walker Is A Man With A Plan

Our boy, 'Toine Walker finally got a plan together to pay back the various casinos that he owes over $770k because he failed to pay back a bunch of casino markers. With fines and restitution added, Walker has to pay up to the tune of just over $900,000. Ouch! That's gotta be tough for a man with no job. He must pony up about $13,000 a month minimum at first and if he ever gets a basketball gig in the NBA or Europe he must pay a minimum of just over $21,000 a month. Double ouch! To use Antoine's words:
"I’ve made some mistakes with some finances,

With the luck that Iverson has had finding a job this year, I'm sure that 'Toine will have no problem getting a job. Everyone wants a me first, shoot first, out of shape, 33 year old forward on their roster. Well, maybe not here, but Europe might be calling, I mean he averaged 8.5 ppg last year in the NBA, that is like at least 13ppg there in Europe easy.

He'd better get a job quick because the judge in this case, Melanie Andress-Tobiasson (right), apparently has no tolerance for any sort of shenanigans with his payments:

"I can tell you at the point he stops making payments, I will bind him up so fast it’ll make your head spin,"

Or, maybe she's just kinky like that?

From the Providence Journal

Keith Ballard Cares Not For Goalies Who Allow Goals On His Shift

BALLARD SMASH!!! Apparently that picture above is the result of Florida Panthers defenseman Keith Ballard venting his frustration after seeing his goalie give up a taking a swing at his goalie's facemask. Poor Tomas Vokoun didnt have a chance against Ballard's hockey stick that he whipped at Vokoun's face at like 100mph. Vokoun had to get carted off the ice on a stretcher after the blow you can view below.

Man, I'd hate to see what Ballard does when someone crosses him off the ice. Give Ballard the wrong change at Starbucks...that's a stabbing. DO YOUR JOB!!