Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Someone Isn't Finished With Cristiano Ronaldo Yet

Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Cristiano!

You don't leave Sir Alex Ferguson unless he wants you to leave. Jaap Staam, Ruud Van Horseyface and David Beckham got off lucky. He wanted them gone. Cristiano Ronaldo was a different story. Fergie did everything he could to keep him there but the orange one was determined to go for the money grab. Fergie had a Pete Carroll reaction to Ronaldo's departure and that should have been the end of it however...

We're not saying Fergie's the one who hired a witch doctor to put a curse on Ronaldo but someone did it.
Cristiano Ronaldo is under attack from a witch who has been hired to inflict a serious injury on the Real Madrid star.

It is claimed that a famous figure who knows the winger well has hired the practitioner to cast a voodoo spell.

‘I have nothing against this grand club,' wrote the anonymous witch in a letter to the El Mundo newspaper. 'I am a professional and get paid very well for using my powers.

'I have been contracted so Cristiano Ronaldo suffers a serious injury. I can’t promise that will be, but I can say he will be injured for more time than he plays.

'The person who has contracted me is famous, and knows the player personally.'
In other words, Jobu no help Ronaldo now. Someone's about to get all Screwface on his ass.



Ronaldo's current team, Real Madrid blew off the threat by saying this type of shit happens every day. A spokesman called it "a stupid thing just like all the others Madrid comes across every day".

Wait until they get a bunch of dreadlocked Jamaicans storming the Bernabeu and Ronaldo gets introduced to Screwface's sister, Goddess of Fire.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time For Jim Zorn

Yes, FireJimZorn is up and running on the blogger platform, and after that last loss to the Lions, you can't blame the MongooseLG for starting it. The .com address is just a parked webads page, so that wont get used anytime soon. Oh, and if you like that graphic you can buy it on a t-shirt over in our t-shirt store.

Although, as a Redskins fan, I'm trying to fathom why anyone thinks their offense is supposed to be any good? I mean, hasnt it been garbage ever since Spurrier? They've been struggling to get points ever since Marty left town. Lets just say, they are who we thought they are. A team capable of hanging around with anyone...and losing to most of them.

I think that the only way this Redskins season can be considered a success is if we finally stop teasing Dan Snyder with a near 8-8 mediocre season and just tank it horribly, hopefully forcing Danny to clear house of Vinny Cerrato, and all the bloat on the team they can, blowing up the salary cap one year to get everything off the books and to start fresh. I would, however, keep the entire coaching staff because no one who is any good will want to coach this team after destroying it so bad...unless we get Raheem Morris I guess.

Lets hope it will happen this offseason, it can only get worse before it gets better.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The Dolphins, and my fantasy team, just can't catch a break


It's official, Chad Pennington is expected to be out the rest of the season. He has a torn capsule in his shoulder, which hopefully won't end his career. This means Henne will be taking the snaps for the Dolphins. This also probably means less production for Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams because any defensive coordinator with a brain will be loading the box to shut down the run. How effective Henne will be is still anyone's guess but, based on yesterday's performance after Pennington was sidelined, the wildcat's roar might be more like a purrrr.

My fantasy team just can't catch a break. TO sucks, I gave up and dropped Eddie Royal, and now Ronnie Brown will either be running the entire offense or unable to move the ball anywhere.

But, the person I really feel sorry for is Pennington. His career saw a resurrection in Miami and before going down yesterday, he proved he can still throw the ball deep slinging it over 35 yards. Miami seemed to like his leadership abilities, talent, and demeanor. Not to mention he has always seemed like a really nice guy. My hope is that he will resurrect his career one more time next season. My fear is that the shoulder surgeries in 2004 and 2005 combined with this injury will be too much for him to return from.

Throwback Uniform Irony




Did anyone else find it slightly ironic that the Jets were wearing their throwback New York Titans jerseys while playing the current Tennessee Titans who were wearing their throwback Houston Oilers Jerseys? I know the NFL probably scheduled this intentionally but, I still found it interesting.

Emmitt Smith's new gigs

So, first Emmitt Smith did that "Just for Men" commercial highlighting (pun intended) his talents seen on "Dancing With the Stars." I'm sure most of you have seen the commercial, hair dying, hospital gown, terrible acting and all but, just in case, here it is...



Now, the Chilhowee Dance and Permorming Arts Center is using Emmitt Smith to promote and encourage men to take and purchase dance lessons by pointing out that "Real Men Do Dance." They point this out by going after their real target audience. The wives, brides to be, and daughters. Smart. Basically, they are giving women a talking point when selling dance lessons to the "husbands, grooms and fathers of the bride" in their lives by pointing out that these men will be "anxious to dance" because they saw Emmitt Smith having "so much fun" on Dancing With The Stars. See the blog and link to the Center here. http://http//www.merchantcircle.com/blogs/Chilhowee.Dance.And.Performing.Arts.Center.423-479-2123/2008/10/REAL-Men-Do-Dance-Just-ask-Warren-Sapp-Jerry-Rice-and-Emmitt-Smith-/131582

Let's get something straight. I am sure most men would agree with me that the only way they can be encouraged to take dance lessons has nothing to do with pointing out Emmitt Smith had fun on a television show where sports stars dance alongside Tom Delay wearing animal prints and tight shiny pants. Especially since most men don't dance like Hall of Fame running backs. Emmitt Smith: running back, dancer, beard dyer, and savior to brides who don't want to look like idiots during their first dance? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Aussie Rules And Open Bar Tonight At The Sunburnt Cow


The Deuce normally doesn't push corporate interests in posts but we'll make an exception for deals we think you should know about. If you live in the New York City area and are a fan of open bars, food and sports involving feats of strength and devastating hits, you'll be interested in this event going down tonight.

The Sunburnt Cow on Avenue C is throwing an AFL Grand Final party tonight. If you aren't familiar with Aussie Rules, this should give you a taste of what to expect.



The Deuce will be there after watching Rorschach kill it at Santos Party House. Keep in mind $20 gets you TWO hours of open bar. $10 more dollars gets you a food buffet which will allow you to drink more. We're not here to encourage responsible drinking. If you're feeling a bit special (not like the kid in the hockey helmet), $50 gets you a seat, THREE hours open bar and buffet. If all this doesn't get you ready to throw down at the Cow tonight, my man below would like to have a word with you. Language totally NSFW.



See you kids tonight. No autographs until midnight. We'd like to get wrecked in peace.

Apparently Plaxico Does Not Mean Peace on Rikers Island


Jets fans get no respect when it comes to the Giants. The Deuce attended last night's Muse/U2 show at Giants Stadium. Excellent by the way. Bono gave a farewell to the stadium and a shout out to the Giants but not the Jets. Needless to say, Jets fans in the crowd were not pleased. It could be worse. Any of them could be a Giants player on Rikers Island.

Plaxico Burress didn't quite get a welcoming reception upon his arrival on Rikers Island. Being asked to spread your buttcheeks and give two big coughs is bad enough. He was also subjected to heckling and boos by his fellow inmates.
Plaxico Burress got a zero's welcome behind bars at Rikers Island, including taunts of "a - - hole!" and "The Giants suck!" according to jail guards.

"He was depressed," said one guard from Rikers, where the former Giants superstar spent his first-ever night behind bars. "He was trying to keep to himself, but everyone was yelling at him."
It's gonna be a long 20 months.

** Get your Plaxico Means Peace shirts here. The Deuce gets mad love when we rock this around the city. While you're at it, feel free to also purchase and rock some Deuce gear.

Move The Goalposts. That's A Suspendin'

First came performance enhancing drugs and then came Bloodgate. Both shocked the sporting world however no one involved in either scandal had the cheating balls shown by Swedish goalkeeper Kim Christensen on Thursday night.

The IFK Goteborg keeper is facing a fine and/or suspension for moving the goalposts closer to each other before a match against Orebo.



If you're going to cheat, it's probably best not to do it in front of TV cameras. The referee noticed after 20 minutes and moved them back to their original position. No card was given at the time as he didn't know who moved them.

Christensen should also be commended for his honesty or stupidity depending how you look at it. He admitted that he had moved the goalposts in several previous matches. Someone should have hired Jackie Chiles before talking to the media.

Chimp's NFL Week 3 Pick Em

Brutal week last week as I went 8-8. I am now 0 for 2 on my Picks of the Week and 1-1 on my Upset Specials. Overall, I have a lot of ground to make up on those. For the season, I am a mediocre 16-15 on my picks, which would not cover your juice if you were using these, so I must step it up for you, my non-paying blog readers. That's right, I do it for you. However, my friends, this week...is looking like one where you can make some cash for sure, so lets get into it. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleaders are twins Larisa and Marisa from the Houston Texans. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

TENNESSEE +3 at New York Jets

Its been a feel good story so far this season for the Jets. Their rookie QB is making just enough plays and not making just enough mistakes to win games. They challenged then knocked in the teeth of the Patriots last week and their defense seems to be giving offenses fits. Tennessee, however, is the hard luck team of the year right now. They had Houston on the mat at 21-7 before their epic second quarter collapse and they still had a chance to win the game late. They also took defending super bowl champion Pittsburgh to overtime in the opening NFL game. This is not a bad team, they finished 13-3 last year and 10-6 the year before. They are not going 0-3. Take this pick and take it hard, hit it like Hines Ward would do to Keith Rivers' face again.

Jacksonville at HOUSTON -4

Houston has the worst defense in the NFL, according to the NFL's stats. Jacksonville has the 9th worst. So it is entirely possible that David Garrard actually has a decent week this week and beats the Titans. Personally, I wouldn't bet on this game, but I think that the Texans offensive firepower will be too much for the Jaguars D and they wont be able to stop the Texans' big play potential. Vegas thinks that people will think this game is going to be high scoring so they set the over at 47. If the score gets that high, it favors Houston in a big way. No way Jacksonville wins in a shoot-out. Take Houston and the points, when you win this bet, your friends will think you are a genius, when really, it is me...er...I...who am...er...is...uh...moving along...

Kansas City at PHILADELPHIA -9

Yes, this is a lot of points. Generally in the NFL you dont want to give a lot of points when a team could possibly be starting its #2 quarterback and #2 running back. But, here's why you should. 1) The Chiefs are horrible and could be this year's Detroit Lions. 2) The Eagles actually are thinking of resting Westbrook, not because he's too injured to play, but because they don't think they really need him this week to win because of the aforementioned reason 1 and the upcoming reason 3. 3) Backup QB Kolb wasn't that bad last week and backup RB Lesean McCoy is probably better than starting RB Brian Westbrook. 4) The Eagle's D is still one of the NFL's top 10 defenses. That's all you need to know, well except that when you win this game, women will run to you like one of Michael Vick's dogs that wasn't fed for a week. They can smell a winner a mile away. Note, I said winner and not wiener. See what I did there? Didn't opt for the cheap joke...no reason to with the money we'll be making this week.

Cleveland at Baltimore UNDER 38.5

For one to lose this under, you have to assume that both teams are going to actually score points. I, for one, do not believe the Browns will score a single point in this game, therefore, the under is the way to go here. Also, in a battle of really disgusting cities, Baltimore is better. They have that Ace of Cakes guy on TV. Who does Cleveland have, Drew Carey on the Price is Right? That guy is an abortion. He is pretty much the exact opposite of Bob Barker. Actually, before the hired him, at the production meeting, they must've just made a list of people that were THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF BOB BARKER and Drew Carey had to have been the top of the chart to host the show. Its the only way they thought it was a good idea, because it just isnt. I need cool smarmy, not creepy fat guy smarmy. Not the same, just terrible, and I'm saying this after he's grown on me a bit. You should've heard my opinions about that fat bastard when he first took over.

WASHINGTON -6.5 at Detroit

Yeah, everyone and their mother is picking Detroit on this one. Some people will say that i'm fading the public here, but you know and I know better. I am a homer and this is the homer pick to end all homer picks. I'm saying it right here, right now...if the Washington Redskins do not beat the Lions by a touchdown, I will not pick them again this season. No matter how juicy the line is, I will have no faith in this team. NONE. Take the Redskins and the points on the road. Detroit is desperate but not as desperate as a team with Dan Snyder's itchy trigger finger on the "FIRE THEM ALL" button. Plus their lackluster offense shouldn't be able to score that much against the Redskins D and Stafford will be good for 1 or 2 INTS. Yes CJ is amazing, but he can't do it alone. The 'skins should've put up at least 21 points on St. Louis last week, they can do it this week. Please God let this happen...

GREEN BAY PACKERS -6.5 at St. Louis

Ok, so I blew it last week picking the Packers, I admit it. This week however, the Pack goes on the road to take on one of the worst teams in the league. I'm sure this line is affected by the 2 point loss to the Redskins last week, but we know better, right? The Pack should light up this Rams team and they will not be able to keep Aaron Rogers out of the end zone like they did poor Jason Campbell....mostly because the Packers have a coach who actually knows how to call plays. Take all of your watches, jewelry, compact discs and dvds and send them to the local pawn shop, you'll need that cash to load up on this one. Once you win, you can go out and buy better stuff than that garbage you gave up for peanuts. Your lifestyle demands you do this.

San Francisco at MINNESOTA -7

Lot of action on San Fran in this one, so much so that the line has dropped from -8 to -6.5 in some places. Not exactly sure why though. Frank Gore is banged up and its not like he or Glenn Coffee are going to find any running room against the Vikings D. Brett Favre has been in "game manager" mode the first two weeks, but they are just waiting for a moment to unlock the cage and set the gunslinger Favre free. San Fran has been a feel good 2-0 so far this year, but their unbeaten streak ends this week. Take the Vikes, bet enough so that when you win you can personally fly down to Washington DC and shake my damn hand for providing you with the insight you need to maintain the quality of life that you are used to.

ATLANTA +4 at New England

Ok, when will people learn that New England is not what they used to be and neither is Atlanta, for that matter. This line should be flip flopped the way these two teams have played the first two weeks of the year. The line is what it is because people expect New England to break out of their funk and be what they used to be, well, guess what, they arent. Their offense cannot move the ball on the ground, their quarterback is a couple months away from major knee rehab, and their defense has gotten old QUICK while the kids that are replacing the veterans just aren't very good yet. It may all work out for the Patriots, they could get by on cunning, guile and veteran savvy for most the year, but not this week. The Falcons have a legitimate offense that can score on anyone while their defense has dramatically improved this season. One team is trending up, one is trending down, take the one going up, the Falcons, and the points, they are mana from the Gods.

CHICAGO +1 at Seattle

Ok, so Hasselbeck has a bad rib and the Seahawks are still favored? Don't get it, not even trying to get it, just trying to run to the bookie as soon as possible. First I must do a few things such as, refinance the house, sell my car, my wedding ring, my dog and if i had any children, they would have to go too...THEN i will have enough cash to throw at this monster. The almighty God of gambling named GAMBLOR is beckoning you to make this bet. If you listen to Him, you will be richly rewarded with one hell of a buzz from watching this game on Direct Ticket and, more than likely, it is possible for you to double your net worth in just one 3 hour game.

New Orleans at Buffalo UNDER 51.5

I am predicting it right here, this is the week that the Saints high flying points scoring offense hits a snag and they dont go over the over. Not that the Bills D is that good, they are opportunistic, but they arent good. No, the reason is because with Mike Bell injured, Pierre Thomas barely recovered from an injury and Reggie Bush being Reggie Bush, the Saints will not be able to run the ball at all, making their one dimensional offense even more one dimensional, allowing the Bills to tee off on the pass. With Fred Jackson running the ball and Trent Edwards dinking and dunking all over, the Bills' ball control offense won't allow the kinds of high scores we've seen in the past from the Saints. Take the Under and count your blessings that I was here to save you from picking one of these teams against the spread.

MIAMI +6 at San Diego

San Diego lost their mammoth DT Jamal Williams for the season on the IR and they are going up against one of the running-est (i just made that word up WOO HOO!) teams in football in the Dolphins. Sure Rivers can put points up on anyone, but LT is still hurt leaving the Dolphins D one less person to care about. I'm not saying that Miami wins this one, I doubt they will, but I do believe that San Diego isn't going to win this by 6 points. Seems more like a 3 point game to me. Take this advice and when you win, please buy me a ticket out to Vegas, round trip...I can take care of the hotel room myself, but flights out there are pricey as hell these days. Damn!

Pittsburgh at CINCINNATI +4

I know you probably aren't happy with this one, but let me change your mind. For one, I dont think last week against Green Bay was a fluke for the Bengals. Now, I dont think the Pack is as good as the Steelers should be, no, but the Steelers are a team with issues that we should not overlook here, especially with them on the road. One, they have a very limited running game right now. Who knows, it could blow up, but the Bengals run D has been surprisingly decent so far this year giving up just 82 yards a game. Add that to no Troy Polamalu in the defensive backfield and Palmer to Ochocinco could be in effect the entire game. If I were a betting man, I might pick the Bengals outright at +170...but I'm not so take the points and count your winnings in a Scrooge McDuck-like money bin when I am right.
DENVER -1 at Oakland

Only reason I am taking Denver here is because their defense has been doing everything right for them to win games and I don't see that stopping against an offense prone to so many mistakes as the Raiders. This line is probably good to up to 4 points, but with Denver as a slight fave, you can take advantage and bet it medium-hard like...like...like i dunno what actually is medium-hard. If you can tell me what is medium-hard, write in and let me know. I know what wont be medium-hard though...your dickus after you win this mother. Nail it shut.

Indianapolis at Arizona UNDER 48

I struggled with this one, I really did. Both teams are definitely capable of winning this game. Indy is the most unimpressive 2-0 team in the league (next to Denver i guess) and Arizona, well they showed last week why they made it to the super bowl (their offense can be explosive, like nitroglycerin level combustion type shit). This game however, I think there will be a lot of field goals, rather than TDs, keeping the score down. Why do I think that? NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I just had to make a pick to placate you asses. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? BLOOD? .....ok....ok...just take the Under and we'll call it a day.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

CAROLINA +9 at Dallas

Dallas' defense has 0 sacks on the year, gives up on average 129 yards and 1 TD a game on the ground to running backs and has allowed 303 yards and 1 1/2 TD per game to quarterbacks. What do I smell here? I smell a get healthy game for Carolina and the UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK! Even if Dallas wins their 2nd game at home, there is no way their defense keeps this score to 9 points. They will be lucky if they win by a field goal here, if they win at all. There are very few defenses out there that Jake Delhomme can feel comfortable playing right now, but this has to be one of them. Sure, Carolina's D isnt anything to write home about right now, but Tony Romo will always screw up somehow and find a way to keep this game close. Take the road dog and never look back, don't look back because you might get shot (thanks Truthaboutit)...speaking of that, here's a musical interlude before the Lock of the Week.



LOCK OF THE WEEK

NEW YORK GIANTS -6.5 at Tampa Bay

Look, no bones about it (the fuck does that mean anyway?), Tampa Bay is a really, and I am talking REALLY, bad professional football team. If Byron Leftwich is your starting quarterback, because he's actually better than everyone else on your team, then you have a bad team. When your 3rd string running back, coming off of two catastrophic knee injuries on the same knee, beats out a high priced free agent acquisition and one other person for the starting tailback job...you have a BAD football team. Meanwhile, Eli keeps finding newer and younger people to throw the ball to and dammit, he's actually turning into a decent football player. Their running backs are fantastic, the line does its job admirably and their defense is one of the tops in the league. Why the hell is this line under a touchdown? Hammer it. Hammer it into the ground. Make your bookie bend to your will. Take them to the cleaners for all the times that they took money that was rightfully yours. Take the Giants for God's sake.

And while you're in NYC, celebrating your win, hit up my favorite bar in the LES, Local 138 on Ludlow St (Stanton & Rivington). You might even find Mustafa there sucking down his 10th Strongbow of the night. No midgets or nothing, but they do have a burger joint next door with some tasty ass food. Get the fries...they are worth the calories.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

New Sport: Mountain Unicycling


This guy goes by the name of the Unigeezer and he is a 50+ year old mountain/off road unicycler. He does things on one wheel that most people wouldnt try to do with two. Dont get him confused with the Uniballer or the Unibomber though...they are totally different people. Well, we know for certain about the Unibomber thing, the Uniballer thing i guess is up in the air. Those seats cant be good for the jewels.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

El Hadji Diouf's S**t is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!


It's hard to feel sorry for El Hadji Diouf. The Blackburn striker and serial spitter is in trouble again but this time, it's racialist. He's being investigated by the police and FA after allegations surfaced that he racially abused a ball boy during a match against Everton. It's alleged that he said, "Fuck off, white boy" because the kid didn't give him a ball fast enough.

Diouf denies the allegations and claims that Everton supporters threw bananas at him. That's a massive charge as it brings up memories of John Barnes' struggles in the 80s as one of the first black players in the league. He faced a barrage of racial abuse which including having bananas thrown at him.
Speaking to Radio Monte Carlo, Diouf said: "The ball went out and I wanted to take the throw in quickly.

"The ball-boy threw the ball at me like a bone to a dog.

"The assistant referee told me he saw it but we had to continue and we would look at it at half-time.

"What's more people threw bananas at me. The fourth official said he would make a report to the police.

"I didn't say anything so that people couldn't say 'It's El Hadji Diouf again'.
The Everton brass are furious with Diouf's statements. No banana-related evidence was found where Diouf claimed he was attacked and no evidence of banana tossing was picked up by TV cameras or photographers. Obviously Everton should face serious sanctions should his claims be proven. However that appears unlikely. It seems more likely that it's El Hadji Diouf again. If we're wrong, we'll apologize.

This isn't the first time Diouf has been the center of controversy. He's well known for spitting on fans and opposing players in addition to being an all-around jackass. Abusing a ball boy for being slow to return a ball is way out of line. It's almost part of the game. There has only been one documented case where verbally or physically beating a ball boy has been acceptable.



No questions asked.

Lionel Messi Is Probably Better Than You

Five goals in three league games. Barcelona's Lionel Messi is off to a slow start in La Liga. Check out his goal against Racing Santander on Tuesday night.

The Utah Flash Would Like To Give Bryon Russell One Last Chance To Get His Feelings Hurt


Hasn't Byron Russell had enough? Michael Jordan already took his heart during Game 6 of the 1998 NBA Finals. Does he want to give up a kidney along with his dignity? He could get $10,000 from a Mumbai alley clinic and keep his dignity. Well, probably not.

Russell didn't take too kindly to being called out by Michael Jordan during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.
"I'll play his ass right now," former Jazz player Bryon Russell told Yahoo! Sports. "This is a call-out for him to come play me. He can come out here in his private jet and come play. He's got millions of dollars. He can pay for the jet. He can meet me at the Recreation Center in Calabasas (Calif.)."
Russell may get his wish if he and Jordan accept Utah Flash owner Brandt Anderson's offer to donate $100,000 to a charity of the winner's choice if they play a game of 21. What could be better than getting schooled in the same place you got schooled 11 years ago? They could make it a 1998 Finals class reunion. Someone call Greg Foster out from behind the counter at Joseph Smith's Rice Cakes and Skim Milk! Scottie Pippen can take his place. He needs the money. Hopefully Troy Hudson can take some time off from Nutty Boyz Entertainment to come out for the weekend.



It ain't easy going brass in the record business. Selling 78 T-Hud albums out the trunk is hard work.

This idea could start a trend of goats attempting to get revenge for past wrongs. Craig Ehlo and Frederic Weis must be itching for a chance to repair their reputations after getting posterized. I'm still waiting for my rematch against Oliver Miller. No fucking way he can eat more Shetland ponies than me this time!
Normally we'd have some sympathy for someone in Jens Lehmann's position but he's one of the biggest jackasses in European soccer.

Is There Anything In Australia That Won't Kick Your Arse?


The list of Australian people and animals I'm willing to fight keeps getting smaller by the minute. If you go on the YouTubes, you can find video of every native Australian species fighting from koalas to wallabies. Getting punched by one wallaby while the other tries to proper fuck you? No thanks. I'll pass. Maybe I'd consider a wombat reacharound but that's it. My last hope was the children in spite of watching Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. So much for that.

An under-16 rugby league grand final ended in a massive brawl. The game between Blacktown City and Lower Mountains ended in chaos when several fights broke out between the teams. The worst left one player with a broken eye socket and nose.
"About 11am (AEST) ... the under 16s match in Penrith stadium was almost finished when, after a try was scored, it's alleged numerous players set upon a member of the opposition," police said in a statement.

"This resulted in players from both sides involved in various incidents."

The footage shows one teenager being punched to the ground before he is repeatedly kicked in the head and body, one of his attackers then running to another nearby scuffle to throw more punches.
Footage of the fight can be seen here. Needless to say, severe penalties were handed out. One Blacktown City player was banned from playing rugby for 20 years. His teammate was banned for five years while another is finished for two. Reports have some Blacktown City parents high-fiving their children as they came off the field.

In case you think this is an isolated incident involving Blacktown City, check this:
The brawl is the third violent incident involving teams from the Blacktown City junior rugby league club this season.

In July, two men were charged after an assault in a carpark following an under-12s game.

A Blacktown supporter also allegedly grabbed a 13-year-old player from Katoomba on the neck on the same weekend.
How have no Blacktown players or supporters been sentenced to a booting? Anarchy I tells ya.
Sol Campbell still hasn't figured out how to play for a foreign team. Next up, Shepshed Dynamo.

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Green Bay Packer


In case there was any doubt, being a pro football player is your Get Out of Jail Free Card in Wisconsin. Mark Chmura should have confirmed that to any nonbelievers.

The Wisconsin State Senate with backing from the Radisson Paper Valley Hotel in Appleton is pushing a bill that would allow vehicle processions to proceed through red lights. The bill is specifically aimed at getting visiting football teams to Lambeau Field faster. The hotel wants the bill so teams will continue staying in Appleton instead of a location closer to the stadium. What's next? Tight ends getting jus primae noctis with the prom date of their choosing in a hot tub? Oh wait...

We kid! Remember the good old days??



Pulling off the greatest spike of all time in a hot tub must have been hard work.
Here's part 2 of DC Landing Strip's interview with Washington Wizards Nick Young. Give the guys props for scoring such a sweet interview will ya?

Ass-Clowns





Ugh. Just what the world needed was another ass-clown athlete sharing their unfiltered, ungrateful, bullshit with the world. I am referring to Robert Henson, a LB for the Redskins who insulted his own fans on his twitter page calling them "dim-wits" and "fake-hearted Skins fans." He then had the cajones to do this while bragging about how much money he makes "tweeting" that he makes more than them in a year and insulting those who dare work at McDonalds. What kind of star is this you ask? How many pro bowls has he attended? How many rings does he have? NONE! This ass-clown is a rookie who rides the bench and didn't play a single second of the game that started his temper-tantrum in the first place! He was pissed the fans booed at the end of the Rams game when the Skins couldn't score a single TD. Someone needs to school this dude and let him know that the Skins have the longest waiting list for season tickets in the NFL. He keeps opening his fat mouth and he'll be the one working at McDonalds. Douchebag.


Secondly, I am in the elevator at work today talking to a co-worker about my horrible fantasy team. Some ass-clown stranger in the back of the elevator hears this and believes it is his duty to spew fantasy advice as if I am a damsel in distress. This would be fine and dandy if first, he wasn't doing it because I am a chick and he felt the need to assume I don't know what I'm talking about or, if second, he was actually giving me useful information. Here is the conversation that ensued:


Me: Yeah, I know I started Tom Brady at quarterback...no points there this week.

Ass-Clown: Who else is on your team?

Me: I list my players which include Joe Flacco and others

Ass-Clown: I say after Brady lights it up this weekend against my beloved Jets, you sell high on him and bring back a #1 WR and a #2 running back.

Me: (I don't know whether or not tell him that his "beloved" Jets already won this game or to just laugh it off) Uhhh, yeah great idea...it would have been better if you gave me this advice last week though. (I figured I would just let him think on this a while).


Ass-Clown.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hey Ladies, Shake Them Rally T*ts For The Mariners


The war is over! The Seattle Mariners and Seattle strip club DreamGirls finally reached an agreement to end their legal battle over the club's presence 400 feet from Safeco Field. The pros on the field are going to have some competition from pros on the stage.

The Mariners agreed to drop their appeal of a lower court decision allowing the club to open after the owners agreed to several concessions.
Under the settlement, the club operators agreed to certain limits on the building's outdoor signs and a canopy along First Avenue South and Occidental Avenue South, including the size and degree of lighting.

No pictures of women on a full-color outdoor video display will be shown on days when events aimed at children are taking place at Safeco, such as Little League days. Only messages with text would be permitted on those days. The agreement covers up to 15 baseball games and up to 12 other events such as graduations.

When displayed, those pictures cannot be sexually explicit. The video sign must be on First Avenue South and can't be visible on Occidental Avenue South, where many people walk to Safeco.

The club also will not use barkers to attract customers or use amplified sound outside the building. No live adult entertainment will be allowed on the roof, and the club will employ private security guards to deal with unlawful activity and loiterers.
That's cute. Does team management think the restrictions are going to keep Adrian Beltre away from the club? If there's anyone who can take a knee to the balls, it's him. Fuck a cup. If club owner Roger Forbes is smart, he'll get all subliminal and pay players to use strip club music while batting. Mike Sweeney could come out to a little Crüe. Imagine Ichiro stepping into the batters box to the big booty shakin' sounds of Uncle Luke (lyrics NSFW). Doo Doo Brown!!

When Did Universidad de Chile Sign Homer Simpson?


It's official. Chilean football has turned into a Simpsons gag. It's probably too soon to reference Nordberg. The last thing we need is Fred Goldman on our ass for royalties. There's no way I'm selling Chimp up the river for anything less than a night in the David Carradine Suite at the Bangkok Hilton.

Universidad de Chile striker Juan Manuel Olivera was knocked out cold during a match against O'Higgins** last week. Start at :38.



John Terry wasn't impressed until he learned that Olivera was taken away by an ambulance that pulled a Homer Simpson and got into an accident with another vehicle. He regained consciousness on the way to the hospital but had to wait two hours for a replacement ambulance. At least the U de Chile team doctor had his back.
"It was a tragicomic situation," team doctor Patrico Delgado told Radio Cooperativa.
It's good to know Chilean replacement ambulances work on the same schedule as replacement Chinatown buses. They probably have the same homeless person/piss smell as Eastern buses. Hopefully Olivera got a 40 and some rest stop Burger Rey while he was swallowing his tongue and waiting for "help".

Samuel L. Jackson Would Like To Learn You The Inglewood Jack

It's been a minute, NHL. We like that you didn't waste any time getting into regular season form. If that hit didn't get you excited for hockey season, Jules Winnfield would like to have a word with you.



Bring it on, muthafuckas! Just bring it on!

Carbon Poker Sports Blogger Tournament

If you're online around 7pm tomorrow and need something interesting to do, you should log on to Carbon Poker.com and watch myself, Chimpanzee Rage, take on some of the best of the best sports bloggers in the business. I'm going up against the mighty Don Chavez, Monday Morning Punter, Cousins of Ron Mexico, Shutdown Corner, Awful Announcing and more. Check out the live chat on the Carbon Poker Blog, its sure to be the funniest thing on at that hour.

Monday, September 21, 2009

How to Silence 105,000 Cowboys Fans


Big stadium, big crowd, big celebrities, big score board, and a HUGE game for both NFC East teams. Jerry Jones was hoping that all of the hoopla he arranged for the opening of Dallas' $1,150,000,000 stadium would help his Cowboys pull out a win in both the stadium's grand opening and Dallas' season home opener against their long-time rivals, the New York Giants. But, the silence of 105,000 Cowboys fans, the largest crowd in NFL history, was proof enough that Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys just couldn't get it done.

Maybe it was the pressure that goes along with a stadium that was being compared to the Parthenon and the Roman Colisuem during the pre-game show. Maybe it was the heat and humidity contributing to the pressure and leading to players on both teams getting IV's during half-time. Maybe it was the turnovers, three interceptions by Tony Romo and a fumble that led to 24 points on the board for New York. Whatever it was, it became clear that no matter how much money Jerry Jones spent on his new stadium, he couldn't buy himself a team that could get it done last night.

Dallas had their opportunities. The Dallas defense shut down New York's running game in the first half and limited their production in the second for under 100 rushing yards total and they held New York in the red zone to 3 field goal's that kept Dallas in a game that could have been a blow-out. They just couldn't take advantage of these opportunities and when you leave time on the clock in the 4th quarter for Eli Manning to make something happen, he gets it done.

There are only 2 QB's that have more 4th quarter comebacks than Eli since 2005, Big Ben and his older brother Peyton, Eli has twelve. Something tells me he will get a few more this season. For all the talk about the Giants receiving core, and their reliance on their running game, the G-men had two receivers, Steve Smith and Mario Manningham, that each caught passes for over 100 yards a piece. Eli never turned the ball over. Not to mention the Giants offensive line that gave Eli the time he needed to throw the ball down the field succussfully. Last season, Eli was sacked four times in each game by Dallas' defense led by DeMarcus Ware. Yesterday, Eli was never touched.

My friend refers to Eli Manning as EZ-E because he seems to become zen-like as the pressure builds. Hopefully, discussions in which people say they would rather have Tony Romo as their quarterback will end and the people who did say this out loud will hang their heads in shame the way Romo did on the bench in the 4th quarter during Eli's comeback. This victory, and Eli's performance, should silence his critics the same way it did all those record breaking Cowboys fans. I hope they enjoy the spectacle because it looks like they won't enjoy the way this season will end.

Friday, September 18, 2009

How Laser Tag Could Have Taken Over The World


Watch this commercial. Just watch it. You will see the perfect blueprint for the world domination of Laser Tag as a sport.


I mean, how much ass kicking can one sport have? Its got aspects from roller derby, skateboarding, motocross, paintball, gladiator battles, running man and more all crammed into one. No idea how someone hasn't taken this commercial and turned it into something that you know you would watch and even pay money for.

Chimp's NFL Week 2 Pick Em

Well if you listened to me last week, you actually ended up 8-7 against the spread. We were 1-0 with our Upset Specials and 0-1 with our Locks of the Week (so much for that). Not bad but we here at the Deuce strive for perfection...or at least better than breaking even. This week there seems to be a lot of 3 point spreads, which is the equivalent of Vegas shrugging their shoulders saying "I have no idea, favor the home team", so we'll see how we do. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Anjuli Rodiriguez from the Denver Broncos. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +140 at Kansas City

See, this is what i was just talking about. KC is favored by 3, that right there is Vegas throwing up their hands, going with the home team and letting the action dictate where the line moves. Only problem is that the line hasn't moved at all since the public is as befuddled as the pros on tihs one. Right now, people are on Oakland by around 58% after they didnt look like an XFL team on Monday night against the Chargers. The Chiefs also looked better than advertised, but they are still horrible. As a matter of fact, both teams are still QUITE horrible. Avoid this game at all costs, but if you want to make it interesting, just take the Raiders moneyline. The whole game is a risk, if you are that much of an action junkie, you might as well get a decent payout. If you bet this game, you have balls of steel...almost like mine. I have balls of tungsten carbide. Ask my wife.

Houston at TENNESSEE -6.5

Apparently the "dynamic" Texans' offense only works when the not so dynamic Kevin Walter is in the lineup as they sucked a fat one last week without him. Houston's D looks to be no better than last year, meanwhile the Titan's running game is just getting warmed up and Kerry Collins looks like the 2nd coming of Kurt Warner (last season's edition). No stopping the Titans this week. Not without the mighty Kevin Walter on the field for the Texans. Take the points, win your cash, buy yourself a baby to replace the one you sold last week while paying off your debts from my crap picks.

New England at NEW YORK JETS +3.5

Yeah, that's right, i'm buying into the Rex Ryan hype machine. This guy is crazier than his dad ever was if he thinks that stoking the flames within the evil Bill Belichick and, America's sweetheart, Tom Brady is an awesome idea...and I love it. I think its just crazy enough to work and I'm going to buy the hype by taking the home dog here. When I win, everyone that believed in me will receive a phone call from Chimp Rage giving thanks for all of your support...just like my man Rex Ryan did earlier in the week.

Cincinnati at GREEN BAY -9.5

Ok, so lets see if you were paying attention to anything I said last week. If you followed this advice, you won at least one game. And I quote "you shouldn't really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can't fail." Do it again. Double your money and get two cars you deserve.

NEW ORLEANS +1 at Philadelphia

McNabb has a broken rib, Westbrook still is getting his feet wet after off-season surgery and Drew Brees has been replaced with an alien from the planet Krypton. Thats all you need to know here. Take the Saints and welcome our new alien ruler with opened arms...lest he throw a football through your chest.

Carolina at ATLANTA - 6.5

The Panthers would like a do-over from last week as they were witness to Jake Delhomme looking like the NFL equivalent of my father not having the physical ability to play me in video games anymore like with Madden 10 on the Xbox. "There are more buttons to push, too many! I meant to throw to Y! How can you play with 12 buttons to push at once? You only have 10 fingers!! This game moves so friggin fast what the hell? Who sees this fast? There are too many plays to learn, how can you remem--oh, OH SHI--why the fuck is this thing vibrating??? *Throws his 4th interception*" Take the Falcons...get an Xbox 360, find me online, challenge me to a game of Madden.

St. Louis at WASHINGTON -10

Yeah, my homer pick last week paid off as the Redskins barely covered the spread. This week, I am hoping my living in Homerland pays off again as I think the Redskins will cover a 10 point spread. Yes, this is an offense that typically averages around 17 points a game. I think 17 will be enough to cover a 10 point spread. Their D should easily be able to handle the wretched St. Louis offense and as long as something crazy like an offensive lineman catching a pass and fumbling the ball away doesn't happen, I think the Redskins get this one easy. Take the Redskins, use your money to purchase some of those freaking yellow section Club seats so that gigantic hell-hole stadium doesn't look half empty all the time.

ARIZONA +3.5 at Jacksonville

Ok so i'm a bit worried about Kurt Warner. He had offseason hip surgery. Yes, he is so old he had to have hip surgery. I'm not sure if i feel confident in someone with that kind of ailment being the leader of a football team. If San Francisco's lackluster D can bottle up the Cardinals, I hope Jacksonville can at least slow them down and make them punt a few times. If that happens, they should put the ball in MJD's hands and go nuts. All that being said. Even if Jacksonville wins this game, I can't see em winning by a more than a field goal, and Arizona's offense, even with a gimpy Warner, is too dominant to be held down for long. Take the Cards, they bounce back this week and you will too if you're still reading these picks.

SEATTLE +1 at San Francisco

Not sure why people are sweating San Fran so much in this game. Their running game was horrible last week and their D wasn't all that great either. Meanwhile all the Seahawks did was shut out one of the worst teams in football, doing it in somewhat impressive fashion...at least compared to last year's Seahawks. Hasselbeck is healthier than Kurt Warner was, his team is as healthy as it was 2 years ago when they were a playoff squad, and he won't let his team go down to the 49ers this week. Take out a small business loan, bet it on the Seahawks as the road dog, win so much money you can pay the loan back and still open up your own Starbucks franchise.

Tampa Bay at BUFFALO -5

Buffalo nearly beats the New England Patriots, on Monday night, on the road and they are only favored by 5 points against the offensive and defensively challenged Buccaneers in a Sunday afternoon game at home? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Walk, nay, run to your bookie or sportsbook and throw down all your money on this one. If you win, start your own wrestling organization like this lucky moron did.

Cleveland at Denver OVER 39

Yeah, Vegas doesn't know who will win this and neither do I. What I do know is, neither team can run the ball better than they can throw it and neither team is particularly adept at rushing the passer or stopping the pass. I am just betting that there will be a lot of throwing going on here and with that a lot of clock stoppages, meaning more time on the clock to score points. Take the over and pray that Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall get their heads out of their respective asses quick enough so they can look up and catch a damn ball.

BALTIMORE +3 at San Diego

Baltimore still has a pretty sick defense and now they've apparently discovered a passing game to go with the 1-2 punch of Rice and McGahee at running back. If the Chargers struggled with the Raiders last week...how are they supposed to win this one? Take Baltimore and be happy you're getting a 3 point cushion. If you want to be a man, take the Ravens money line at +145 and play without a safety net. When you win, take that special someone out on the town, they will deserve it for sticking with your degenerate ass.

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at Dallas

Another total toss up. I am going with NY here since their defensive line should push Romo to do something incredibly stupid at some point in this game and that will be enough to sway the game in the Giants' favor. Weak reasoning for sure. Its that much of a coin toss. The over/under didnt even inspire me. Take the Giants and hope that the better team prevails...or Dallas wins by a point or two.

INDIANAPOLIS -3 at Miami

If you think Manning will lose this game, then you and I have a difference of opinion. Miami could only muster 7 points against the Falcons' defense and I dont think they will have any more success against the Colts' average D. Indy's offense will do just enough to win and you will close out your week with a nice wad of cash. Blow it all on hookers and crack and come back to do it again next week.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Minnesota at DETROIT +10

This one smells like a trap to me. Minnesota should dominate this game in theory but the line for this game opened at 10 and stayed there, despite over 70% of the public placing bets on Minnesota to win. That means to me that the 30% of the other people are betting heavy on Detroit to make a game of this. If it smells like a trap, looks like a trap and has crazy ass Brett Favre in there to throw a random interception or two when he feels like he has a safe lead and can make a greedy play...take the points and the home team. If you happen to win this insane bet, you should go out, head to a casino and put all that money on red or black. It doesn't matter which color. You obviously cannot lose.

LOCK OF THE WEEK


PITTSBURGH -3 at Chicago

The only reason Culter won't throw 4 INTs in this game, like he did last week, is because the heart and soul of the Steelers D isn't going to be around to play. With Polamalu out, Cutler will throw just 2 picks and the Bears will still lose. Karma is a bitch for Jay Cutler and he deserves to lose for the stunts he pulled in the offseason, but this 2 game losing streak wont last long for him as the Bears have a cakewalk schedule the rest of the way. For now though, take the Steelers and the points. Once you win, take your cash and visit Casey's Draft House on the South Side. See that little guy on the right? He will pour a shot down your throat while standing on the bar, all for the right price of course. Come for the midget, leave when the racism and sexism gets a bit too much for ya.

Good luck peoples.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tell Us How You Really Feel Packers' Fan

If The Jewish Jordan Retires in Israel, Does Anyone Care?

Tamir Goodman, aka "The Jewish Jordan", has retired from professional basketball in the Israeli pro leagues at age 27. I remember hearing about the Goodman when he was rumored to be headed to UMD to play for the Terps in the ACC, coming from the tiny Talmudical Academy and scoring a Jordan like 34 points a game.

Ultimately his religion clashed with Maryland's program and he ended up going to Towson, sucking, leaving the time in a dispute with coaches and ending up playing for Maccabi Tel Aviv where he barely played due to injuries.

Now that all that has been said...anyone actually care? It was an interesting story like 10 years ago...but now...when does an Iraeli basketball player retirement warrant any news coverage whatsoever? He never played in the NBA, never played meaningful college basketball, and didn't really play that much in Israel...so why on earth do we care about a basketball player that was in his prime in high school? I mean, dont most of us know someone like that? I don't see any ESPN stories about them. Weird.

From ESPN

Carl Lewis Has Things To Say

I know everyone was waiting with baited breath about what former world champion sprinter Carl Lewis had to say about the man/woman runner Caster Semenya, well wait no futher. Carl weighs in on the issue and lays all blame at the South African Federation for allowing her to run in the first place.


Yeeeeaaaah...personally, I like it better when Carl isnt talking and is singing. Who doesn't remember this classic?



Or this gem?



Or when he attempted the national anthem?



Ahh, great moments in Carl Lewis singing history. Wait, Mustafa wont let me rest unless I link this great moment in Carl Lewis acting history, NSFW language there. Can your Thursday get any better?

DC Landing Strip landed an interview with the Washington Wizards SG Nick Young. Give it a read and compliment them on a job well done.

Seattle's Lingerie Football Team Gets Wet

The Seattle Mist hosted a charity car wash last friday...and who gives a shit what it was for, they were wearing bikinis and t-shirts and getting wet. There were pictures taken. Much like what you see here. There's 36 pictures of them over at the Seattle Weekly though, including the ones above and below. Click on over and fap away.

Isn't This Just The Coolest Thing You've Ever Seen?


Viking vs. Shark by *SharpWriter on deviantART

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Even when the country turns its back on you, the American Mustache Institute is there.

Who Knew The Magic Spray Cured Knockouts?


Another season, another John Terry knockout. This one took place last night in Chelsea's Champions League match against Porto. The magic spray mostly everything but knockouts too? Would they rub Tussin on his head if the spray didn't work? Maybe they should have used some leeches while they were at it. Hopefully this isn't the Milan lab at work.

Diego Maradona Mistakes Eathab for Rehab And Gayhab


Poor Diego Maradona. The Hand of God is helping him put steak, empanadas and small children down his throat instead of helping him win games. The Argentina manager is running away from his team's dismal World Cup qualifying campaign and heading to fat camp to lose weight and relieve some stress. Patrick Kennedy and Ted Haggart say he's doing it all wrong.

Argentina is on the verge of not making the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa after being molested by Brazil and Paraguay in the South American qualifiers. Maradona is responding to this national crisis by taking off to Italy in order to lose five kilos. The Deuce respects doctor-patient privilege but Dr. Nick should probably explain how losing five kilos will improve Argentina's chances of making the World Cup. He won't gain in strategy what he loses in weight. "Hi everybody! It's your window to strategery gain!"

Bolivia or Colombia seem like his kind of stress-relieving countries more than Italy. Then again he didn't have a problem getting the marching powder in Naples when he lived there. Have fun watching the finals on the Pampas, Argentina. It's not all bad. Carlos Tevez can get back in the studio next summer and bang out more hits like this.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What Does Oscar Pistorius Have In Common With Def Leppard's Rick Allen?


What is it with amputees and domestic abuse these days? Some of these cats are overdoing it with the rageahol. It seems like only yesterday that Def Leppard's Rick Allen was nailed for spousal abuse at LAX. That made no sense. Why didn't his wife just run in clockwise circles around him to avoid the beatdown? I'm not saying she was asking for it but it seems easy enough to get away from a one-armed beatdown. You and me, girl. Hey hey!

One can see the difficulty in getting away from sprinter Oscar Pistorius. He may have no legs but he does have both arms. He was charged with assault for an incident that allegedly took place during a party he was hosting at his Pretoria house.
Pistorius, 22, said in a statement that he asked the woman to leave the party. Unhappy with this, she began kicking the door which broke, injuring her.

"I categorically deny that I in any way assaulted," the woman, Pistorius said.
Ah the old door attack defense. If they get the jump on you, they can do some real damage just like a wall running into your face multiple times. We kid, we kid. Presumed innocent until guilty. It's not like we're talkin' bout France. Ragin' amputees and hermaphrodites. It's just another week in South African track and field.

Real Valladolid's Secret Weapon Fail

No, Ben! No!

The Premier League may be the best league top to bottom in Europe right now but the Spanish league (La Liga) is right up there with them. The mid-table to bottom teams may not compare but the high levels of unabashed corruption and sleaziness make up for it. One has to admire the desire to win at any cost whether it be poaching players, taking shady government bailouts to stay afloat or signing large mammals to lucrative contracts.

Take the example of Real Valladolid. Good isn't a term you would use when referring to the Castile and Leon team. Their greatest claim to fame is once being coached by the famous fat Spanish waiter, Rafa Benitez, who's now one of 12 people not on the dole in Liverpool.

Valladolid's weekend match against Valencia scared them enough to go out and sign a new player even though the transfer window has been closed since August 31. Don't let us tell you about their newest signing El Oso. See for yourself.



Bears are funny just like monkeys except they also maul people. However this bear turned out to be El Fracaso. Valencia smoked Valladolid 4-2 on Sunday. It's unclear whether El Oso will feature in the Real Zaragoza match next Sunday. Rumor has it Zaragoza will sign a silverback from the Congo later this week. The team notes that he has a Spanish grandfather who they "discovered" an hour ago so any work visa issues should before the weekend.

First You Tell Me Dalton's Dead And Now Saskatchewan Isn't The Crotch Of Canada?

Come for Mo the Dinosaur! Stay for the racism!

Everyone needs to chill out about Patrick Swayze. Whoopi Goldberg can still speak for him. She'll still annoy you until the point of suicide and she still hasn't apologized for forcing that piece of shit Eddie on America but it's our only option. One can only hope that Jimmy didn't fuck guys like her in prison. Two Whoopi disses in one day? You betcha!

People also need to chill in America Jr. The CFL may be the slow stepchild of the NFL but they can talk shit with the best of them albeit with less cursing. Saskatchwanians (or whatever they're called) are worked up in an Eskimo sweat about Winnipeg Blue Bombers coach Mike Kelly calling the province "the crotch of Canada".
“We kind of raided the toothless, green, watermelon-helmet-wearing people from the crotch of Canada,” Kelly said in response to the Blue Bombers’ raid of players from the Saskatchewan Roughriders and Edmonton Eskimos.
Kelly eventually backed up and semi-apologized for his comments. Now I've never been to Winnipeg or Saskatchewan (and don't plan on it) but isn't someone from Winnipeg calling Saskatchewan a crotch similar to someone from Camden, NJ calling Gary, IN a crotch? It's a good thing Saskatchewan's football team is named after a brand of condoms. No better way to protect that crotch than using some Rough Riders.

Chris Myers Slays The Detroit Lions And Whoopi Goldberg In One Shot

It ain't hard to tell when when you get no respect. Most people respected Rodney Dangerfield especially for the triple lindy. The same isn't the case when it comes to the Detroit Lions. You know times are ill when announcers shit all over a team without mercy during a game. First game of the season and Chris Myers is already comparing the Lions to Whoopi Goldberg? Damn, it's gonna be a long season.



Video: TMZ

Friday, September 11, 2009

Chimp's NFL Week 1 Pick Em


Alrighty, well now that I can bask in the glow of having picked Tenn +6.5 last night, I figure its high time I share some picks that are sure to have you stuffing your mattresses full of cash. Lets go through the games, shall we? All picks are in bold. All lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is from the Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

MIAMI +4.5 at Atlanta

The public is all over Atlanta as the feel good feelings from last year are still lingering on their squad. Thing is, Miami had a decent rebound year last year and they are only healthier and better now than they were then with a deeper defense and stability at QB with Pennington. I am thinking you fade here and enjoy your chicken dinner.

KC at Baltimore UNDER 36

Not going to touch the line of Balt -13 and neither should you. Baltimore should win this game easily, but I dont know anyone that can trust their offense explode during week 1 when it never did last year. KC is in disarray, going back to Tyler Thigpen and their incredibly unreliable duo of running backs. Their defense is nearly nonexistent but luckily so is Baltimore's offense. Take the under and count your money.

Philly at CAROLINA +3

Taking the home dog here. Philly's O-line is hurting bad right now and their D coordinator is dead, not to mention they have the biggest distraction in the world in Michael Vick standing on their sidelines, so I'm not feeling them. Carolina is your standard mediocre NFL team and that should be enough to keep the game tight at home and maybe even pull out a win. Gutsy pick, but one you should make. When you do, and win, personally thank me for improving your fortunes.

Denver at CINCINNATI -4

I have no idea what is going on in Bronco land right now. Their rookie and future star running back may or may not play, their best wide receiver was suspended most the pre-season and hates his brand new coach who appears to be over his head, and their quarterback is Kyle Orton. Meanwhile, all is surprisingly well in Bengal-land. I expect a finally healthy Palmer to shred the Bronco's suspect defense and cruise to a victory at home. The Bengals should Bronco-bust a nut all over this one...I have no idea what that means. SHIP IT!

MINNESOTA -3.5 at Browns

It doesnt matter if Favre, Jackson or Rosenfels is behind center with Adrian Peterson in the backfield for this game. The Vikings should have no trouble dominating against Brady Quinn and the hapless Browns with their explosive running game and strong defense. Although if the Browns could somehow mercifully end Brett Favre's career in this game, maybe we all will forget about his shenanigans by the end of the season to possibly forgive him for what he has done and go back to shameless Farve-man-love. Take the Vikes and cash your 401k out on this one and bet it all. After you win, you can pay off those early cash out penalties and still be up big. Its safer than the stock market. Trust me.

New York Jets at HOUSTON -4

Every year Houston gets a little better, this year I think they make the leap to a good team. They have a dynamic offense and, after years of sucking, have acquired a very strong D through the draft. The Jets are starting a rookie QB on the road with Jerrico Cotchery as his only WR. I dont care if Rex Ryan is their new coach, their D alone can't win this one. You take the Texans, pray Schaub ends the game in one piece and if he does, thithe some of your winnings to the church of your choice for your prayers paying off...b/c after Schaub is Grossman...and there aint no winning with Grossman.

JACKSONVILLE +7 at Indianapolis

Jacksonville did have an extrordinary string of bad luck as a team last year and this year they hope to turn things around...if only they can stay healthy. Luckily, its the first game of the year and they are healthy. Peyton and the Colts should win this game, but it will be closer than you think. MJD is a force and should impose his will on the Colts defense, slowing the game down and keeping things close. Take the road dog here, buy yourself a good steak with the money I have won you. Get the mashed potatoes with it. Treat yourself nice for once.

Detroit at New Orleans OVER 48.5

There is no way Detroit's defense can slow down New Orleans offense. None chance. The only problem is, I am in no way confident that the Saint's defense can stop Detroit's offense. I'm scared with this game, so I am gonna pray for a shoot-out on both ends and take the over. If you do the same, so help you God I hope you win.

DALLAS -6 at Tampa Bay

The Cowboys don't need a wide receiver to beat they Bucs by a touchdown. They have about 15 running backs on their team that will beat the rebuilding Buccaneers into submission. I expect Barber, Jones and Choice to go nuts on Tampa and Dallas will easily pull out a win here. Bet Dallas and buy yourself something nice with the winnings. You can't afford not to play this one here.

WASHINGTON +6.5 at NY Giants

Yea, I am a huge homer, its true, but I think the Redskins have a chance here. The Giants' secondary is beat up coming out of camp and their D-line has 2 guys returning from season ending injuries. The Giants also have no established WR on their roster and Eli's numbers went to hell last season without his security blanket, Plaxico Burress. So what am I saying? I am not saying the Redskins will win...i'm just saying it looks to be a battle of field goals instead of touchdowns. If this is true, I am a friggin genius...not just a homer...a GENIUS!

St. Louis at SEATTLE -7.5

This spread cant be high enough. I would still bet Seattle -10 here I think. St. Louis is a joke and Seattle's offense should surprise people this season with a healthy (for now) Matt Hasselbeck and the greatest WR corps he's ever had to work with including the mighty chain mover TJ Houshmandzadeh. Take Seattle and enjoy your hard earned cash.

Chicago at GREEN BAY -3

This one is a toughie. In the end, I believe Aaron Rogers will have a better day against a stout Bears D than Culter will have against an opportunistic Packers D. That, and you shouldn't really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can't fail.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Patriots are going to run the score up as much as they can in this game, just to prove cover boy Brady is healthy and they are back on top. Take the huge spread and pray the Bills come out of this game walking instead of on a stretcher...because I'm a nice guy like that. You need to take that money you've been saving for presents this holiday season and bet it all on this one. After you win, you'll be able to afford TWICE as many nice gifts as before.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

SAN FRANCISCO +6 at Arizona

Yes, this is the upset special of the week. Yes, Arizona got to the super bowl last year with a heck of a run, but the 49ers actually had a nice little run to end their season last year as well. The team believes in head coach Mike Singletary and he will play to this team's strengths this season by running the ball, running the ball and running the ball more. Frank Gore and Glenn Coffee will pound Arizona to dust with the rock and their short passing game should frustrate the Cardinals all day. The 49er's D wont be able to stop Fitzgerald but with an ailing Bolden, they should be able to contain him. If they can get to Kurt Warner a few times they might have a chance. At the very least, I think the 49ers cover, best case, they win this game outright.

LOCK OF THE WEEK
SAN DIEGO -9 at Oakland

Not even Norv Turner can screw up this matchup. The Raiders are never going to be able to stop Rivers, LT, Sproles, Gates and Jackson. That and they might not even score against the Chargers defense which should be stronger than last year with their D line intact and with their own issues on offense. This should be as close to a lock as it comes so here's what you do. Take out that 2nd mortgage, sell a kidney and use that kid's college fund here. You gotta play big to win big!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you'd be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.