Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Like the video says, everyone has a talent, this guy's just talent just happens to be simultaneously incredibly awesome and amazingly vulgar. Paul Hunn is the world champion of burping. This man can burp so loud, its equal to standing next to a running chainsaw or a guitar amp with no ear protection. At 110 decibels, his burp is loud enough to actually cause hearing damage. Watch and be horrified...and jealous. Who didn't want to be able to burp like this when you were 7, c'mon!
So here is a list: Jim Brown. Ernie Davis, Donovan McNabb
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
It's hard to argue with the contention that Antonio Pitalua's devastating knockout of Jose Reyes (Sorry, not the Met) is probably the best of the year.
Best Boxing Knockout of the Year - Watch more Funny Videos
I jumped out of my chair and yelled "Oh my god!" when Pitalua connected with what used to be Reyes' jaw. As Smokey would say, Reyes got knocked the fuck out. If there's a better knockout making the rounds, we'd like to see it.
Don't let those gay senior bowlers fool you. They may seem happy and harmless as they search for something to do besides talking about the old days and shitting themselves but cross them and they'll get all Jesus on that ass. A 16 year old kid found that out the hard way when he tried to steal during senior league night.
The would-be thief tried to steal two purses from two seniors and got more than he bargained for when he got dealt with by the elderly.
The [purse owners], along with other bowlers from the senior league, blocked the 16-year-old's escape through an exit on the building's west side. When he ran toward the glass doors at the building's front, league members were in hot and loud pursuit.
"A bunch of the senior ladies and senior men started hollering at him and chased him," Johnson said. "That's when Steve, my son, kind of held him down."
The center's front door is sliding glass, and Johnson said that confused the thief long enough for his 22-year-old son to come at him from behind the counter and pin the parried purse-snatcher to the floor.
Several of the senior bowlers dog-piled the teen and held him until police arrived.
$15 million is all it took for the Washington Nationals to sign the #1 pick of the 2009 draft, Stephen Strasburg. The "greatest pitching prospect ever" is now a National and, if the Nats keep going at the rate they are now, he might even be joined by high school phenom Bryce Harper next season.
The question is now, what do the Nationals do with Stephen Strasburg? The minor league baseball season will end in a couple weeks on Sept 1st so will the Nats stretch out Strasburg in Harrisburg, who hasn't pitched in months, and try to get him to toss a few innings this season in the pros after the rosters expand, or do they just let him sit at home and wait until spring training?
Obviously, the latter is the choice the Nationals should make, this season for all intents and purposes is lost. The Nationals would risk injuring their young superstar trying to get a look of him in some meaningless game this season, after the long layoff, also risking giving up the #1 pick in the draft if they did anything more to improve their squad this season.
Now, i'm not saying they should tank the year, that would be disrespectful of the great game of baseball, but I am also not saying they should do anything more to improve this year's version of the squad and should only be thinking about the future here. They really can't make any more trades anyway unless Willingham somehow clears waivers, so why bother adding another arm to the craptastic pitching corps they have now. Give a minor leaguer a shot who has been there all season I say. Its been crappy enough for most the year, it'l probably be crappy enough to finish dead last....unless KC has something to say about it.
Nevertheless, today is all about Stephen Strasburg and the promise of a better future he brings Nationals fans all over...and when I say all over, i mean all over some parts of gentrified Washington DC, Montgomery County and pockets of Northern Virginia. Welcome to the Nationals kid, lets hope it gets better for this team, no one will want to see them any worse.
Irish online sports betting site Paddy Power lost a bit of money over the weekend when they decided to pay out over $2 million in wagers on Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship on Saturday...before he even teed off for round 3. This, obviously, did not work out so well for the betting site when YE Yang came from no where and won the event on Sunday. Meaning they not only lost that $2+ million that they already gave away for nothing, but they also had to pay people who bet on Yang at 150/1.
The guys that run this sports book might be the boldest dumbasses you have ever heard of in your life.
The best thing about this all is that the book isn't trying to get the money back. Some other sportsbook might try some real shady things to get their cash back, but not Paddy Power. They gave it away before they should've and they paid the price, taking their medicine like the men they are. That is a bookie that I can get behind there and I'll willingly give em this little free advertisement in this space for their huge blunder.
From Paddy Power Blog
Some enterprising nerd alcoholic out there has brought together videogames and booze to create the ArKeg "Drink n Game" system. What the hell does that mean? Well it means you have a customizable arcade cabinet with a kegerator built inside of it there at the bottom. With modern emulation technology, you can basically play any game from any system on this sucker and with modern keg technology, you can basically drink any beer from any brewery on this sucker...as long as it is in a 5 gal. keg.
In other words...its genius. They should send me one for my condo to review
and keep. Seriously. I want one.
It's over. The hell with war or climate change. The animal revolution has already begun. The flesh-eating robots and plants aren't far behind. Kiss your loved ones goodbye because we're screwed. What? Overdramatic? Us?
Brett Favre stories are like Bebe's kids. They don't die, they multiply. Every time they seem to fade away, they come back thanks to someone in Minnesota called Unnamed Source. When I find Unnamed Source, I'll make sure he never spreads any rumors again. Until then, we aren't going to entertain any stories about potential comebacks, Mississippi practices or any other Favre-related bullshit. However, we will indulge anything that mocks him or discusses any dirt he and Mark Chmura did while in Green Bay. Let the mocking begin.
Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle began the public mocking of Favre by using his name as a punch line while announcing his decision to not run for a third term. Doyle, unlike Sarah Palin, will honor his commitment and finish out his term which ends in January 2011. He explained that he didn't believe governors should serve more than two terms.
"I know I will regret this decision many times over the next year, but I'm not going to pull a Brett Favre on you," he said.It's funny because it's true. Pulling a Brett Favre can and should be applied to everyday situations. Try it out the next time you keep saying you're going to leave the bar after you finish your drink but keep ordering another one. Apply it to the hookup you say you're going to quit but find yourself balls deep in every time you have one too many roofie coladas like Sebastian Janikowski. Everyone knows that person who pulls the Brett Favre all the time. You can even make his name a verb. "I know I was gonna quit my job but I favred it and went back." It's a work in progress but it's got some potential.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Today, the City of Brotherly Love introduced a brother who recently has been loved dearly in the joint.
Olympic God and personal disaster Michael Phelps has crashed his car into another car on Thursday night. I'm beginning to wonder why, with all his money, he just doesnt get a driver in a car with heavily tinted windows (to hide the bong use of course). This is the second traffic incident Phelps has had since his Olympic medal domination, the first resulted in a DWI.
Apparently Phelps hit some chick's Honda with his Escalade and you know who wins that battle. Phelps and passengers were unscathed, the Honda driver was taken to the hospital and released. Police are investigating, alcohol is believed to not be a factor...but its also rumored Phelps blew through a red light and hit the car.
Seriously, this guy needs to just go back to the lake he came from. Its not our fault this merman missed adolescence because he spent all of his days and nights in water! Leave us alone! Go back from whence you came! Stop causing our children to cry!
Shocker that the Redskins were shut out of their first preseason game of the 2009-2010 season, 23-0, just a shocker. I mean, when you have one of the most unproductive offenses last season and just pray that the players you have get better...well this is what you're going to get. I'm not even discussing the offensive line, which surprisingly played adequately, I'm talking about the skill positions.
No Clinton Portis meant the Redskins had to hope that Ladell Betts looked like the betts of 2 seasons ago. The Redskins had to hope that Rock Cartwright could start to be anything else than a mediocre kick returner and look like an actual running back. They had to hope that, with Santana Moss sitting this one out, one of their 2nd round draft picks would step up to the plate and play up to their draft position. They had to hope that Antwan Randle-El could be something more than a nice guy and a #3 receiver...or at the very least he could be productive in the slot. Finally, they had to hope that one of the veteran receivers and inexperienced running backs they signed could make a big play and prove they belong on an NFL roster.
Not at all surprising but, none of that happened. The timing was off between receivers and the QB. The running backs were unproductive carrying the ball. Receivers couldn't get themselves open and when they did, they couldn't hold on to the ball. Is this what happens when you stubbornly pray the decisions you make work out better than previous evidence suggests instead of facing the reality that you have no idea what you're doing and you need to get some help in? Who knows...but lets hope so.
Yes, I know, it is too early to cast a final grade on how the Redskins will look this upcoming season, but all the problems that existed last season existed in this game, minus the broken down offensive line...and that is not good that all the same problems are happening with a healthy and productive line instead of what they had in the 2nd half of last season. Hail to the Redskins? More like, Hail to the Redskins Defense...they might be the only hope this team has.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
There's nothing more endearing than an alcoholic clown unless it's an alcoholic clown played by Bobcat Goldwaith. Unfortunately there won't be a Shakes the Clown II: Electric Boogaloo. No more mime beatdowns, kids. Luckily, we have the second generation spawn of Bozo the Clown to fill the void.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Yesterday, not only did Chicago White Sox GM Kenny Williams win a waiver wire claim for Toronto Blue Jays OF Alex Rios costing his team $60 million, he also got ticketed for jaywalking. That is $56 out of his own pocket right there all for not trying to find a street corner before jetting across the street to Safeco Field before his team played the Mariners.
He probably just got the phone call on his cell that they had won the claim for Rios and I would've been running as well...to the nearest bathroom so I could puke my guts out knowing I just caused my owner to be on the hook for SIXTY FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS in the middle of a recession. I wonder if that cop is a Mariners fan and recognized Kenny? If so, well played.
Death by a sudden blow to the chest, thus stopping the heart, is the cause of 43% of the deaths in Lacrosse games. That stat is 2x greather than in baseball, about 15x greater than in football, 20x greater than in soccer, and 54x greater than for softball. In other words, if you get hit in the chest by that hard little ball coming out of that stick at like 100m.p.h...you very well might die, even if you're wearing a chest protector.
Insane huh? That is one deadly, insignificant, sport there.
Don't believe me? Read the article here, you'll never let children play sports ever again since it is 12 pages of the most deadly sports in high school. Shoot, you may never let them leave the house again. It might make you want to support a "Footloose" style ban on all sports. Kids in the future might be saying "I...I just wanna play!" instead of wanting to dance.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Coach Snoop the Great "stay ready so he don't got to get ready". Check out Snoop's presser from Ravens training camp.
Fo sheezy my neezy indeed. The Browns will probably respond by bringing in Soulja Boy to support Coach Mangina. They need another soldier to replace Kellen Winslow who's off to a great start in Tampa. Expect more fail.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Man City to make GBP50m bid for Newcastle United supporters
Premier League billionaires Manchester City have today launched an
audacious bid for the entire fan base of recently relegated Newcastle
United. The unexpected move has come as part of City's plans to be
the best supported club in the world, and the so-called 'Best
Supporters In The World' have provided a logical starting point. The
move will see each of Newcastle United's 50,000 'regulars' offered
GBP1,000 to change their allegiances to Manchester City.
Our competitive advantage is our financial position, and we will buy
anything and everything we feel will help us improve this football
club. Said City boss Mark Hughes. Securing the Newcastle United fans
offers us a great opportunity to improve our position as the best
supported club in the league They have just the sort of experience
we're looking for, in that they've enjoyed fleeting periods of great
expectation followed almost immediately by abject failure, which will
be useful to us in the next two years.
Hughes continued, We'll happily pay top dollar for supporters who
will blindly follow their team and defend them as the greatest in the
world in the face of over-whelming evidence to the contrary. And in
that respect, the Geordies really are second to none. The Newcastle
fans, who will not be subjected to a medical, are expected to have a
'fully clothed at all times' clause inserted into their Man City
contracts. A Newcastle spokesperson said that although the move has
come at a bad time for them, the entire fee will be used to rebuild
the supporter base into a slimmer, better looking unit which they
hope will be 'the envy of the Championship' .
The inevitable crackdown on Twitter use by NFL players and personnel has begun with the Packers and Dolphins banning use of it from "pre-game warmups to the end of the game". Similar bans elsewhere have created stupid situations such as in San Diego. Antonio Cromartie was fined $2500 for twittering about the Chargers' "nasty food" and wondering if it prevented the Chargers from making it to the Super Bowl the past couple years. As with most things Norv Turner does, Cromartie isn't impressed.
"But other than [the amount of the fine], I mean, I ain't going to take back what I said," Cromartie said after practice Tuesday afternoon. "I said what I had to say. But at the end of the day, I mean, I got fined for talking about nutrition and that. I can't really say too much else.No justice, no peace. Turner has banned Twitter use in the building and as well as criticizing the team on the social network.
"I didn't think it would cause a stir like I did, but me being me, I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut from here on out," he said. "I ain't going to say nothing else. I want to make sure I keep everything positive. Obviously, I mean, I can't really say what I really want to say. My freedom of speech has actually been taken away."
Shawne Merriman, on the other hand, thinks the whole situation is hilarious.
Merriman also has gems such as
Ok lets make a deal if all yall pitch in a dollar ill tweet more they handing out fines like free turkeys on thanksgiving ya dig?or
Yea you can be tough alllllll you want to but the first time you get hit for a $2500 fine my name goes from LightsOut to just switch lolHe also realizes the impact a fine this large will have players like Cromartie.
"That's steep man. That's half a new set of rims or something. Those had better be some powerful words and they better be reaching a lot more than the 40,000 people I have right now."I believe Black Moon would call that Powerful Impak (language NSFW). Boom from the cannon if you will. It's a good thing players like Chad Ochocinco continue to keep it real on the interwebs. It shouldn't be too hard for Cromartie and Merriman to stay a step ahead of Norville. Most of the NFL already does.
Rashaan Salaam's name should become a verb the next time a professional athlete admits to smoking weed every day. "Player X rashaan salaamed himself out the league." Former Lion Charles Rogers gets us one step closer to sweet verbdom with his admission that he smoked the tweed every day and was addicted to painkillers. He flamed out after his third season in the league. Here's a clip from his ESPN interview with Jemele Hill that will air in its entirety on Outside The Lines August 16.
You have to love Matt Millen saying "something was clearly wrong". Really? Could it have been that he drafted a known problem case or the fact that he is the worst GM in the history of sports? He makes Wes Unseld look like a Hall of Famer for his front office work with the Bullets/Wizards.
With the first pick of the 2016 draft, the Washington Nationals select...this kid. This 10 year old kid hit 2 solo home runs, a 2 run homer, a 3 run homer and a grand slam to do the unthinkable and hit a cycle of home runs. Absolutely insane and an extremely rare event. Check it out.
Photo from the LA Times
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The guys at Funny or Die have another video featuring an all star lineup. This time, Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard show a guy what every day life as a major leaguer is like with his MLB Fantasy Camp experience. Love the Prince karaoke.
Where to begin with this? Why exactly is the football team posing with its shirt off in front of a Lamborghini? I mean I realize its a photo shoot, but what magazine/calendar/etc are they shooting for? I can't imagine the everyday UT fan wants to see this? Why do some of the players have large chains on their neck and back? Why are they all flexing? What is the word I'm looking for to describe this scene? So many questions....just watch.
Randball does the math and figures out that Lendale White stopped drinking 1,000 shots of tequila to get slim. Damn, the man can put it away.
Dropped by Chimpanzee Rage at 12:00 PM
Here's a skewering look at the media's involvement in the Favre retirement/unretirement story, one that basically blames the media for why we all pretty much hate Brett Favre now. You know like 80% of you do hate him now. Anyway, enjoy.
Via Wondershot LLC
Normally we'd never say anything to disrespect swine. Homer not only wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey but he also proclaimed the pig to be a magical animal. Who are we to argue with him? We're not VOB.
Russia, under the guidance of the almighty Guus Hiddink, is traveling to Wales next month to challenge the west country in a World Cup qualifier. While the team prepares to face the douchebaggery of Craig Bellamy, the supporters are taking precautions against the threat of swine flu. They're being encouraged to drink copious amounts of Welsh whiskey to ward off H1N1 by the Russian football supporters association (VOB).
"We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whisky as a form of disinfection," VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters."That should cure all symptoms of the disease."The Russian health ministry is advising against travel to England but the VOB ain't havin' it.
"Health officials say this virus is very dangerous but being a fan myself I can tell you that for a real fan nothing is more important than the well-being of the team," said Shprygin, who also sits on the executive board of the Russian FA.Shprygrin failed to mention that nothing will stand in the way of Russian supporters and Welsh whiskey. If there's one thing that will lead Russia to victory besides Guus Hiddink, it's Welsh whiskey. Don't even get them started on shoe polish sandwiches. That's Azerbaijan's ass. We're not making that up.
"Russian fans don't fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team."
Now that TMZ and Ebaum's Nation both have rendered the value of any more video of Jordan Crawford's dunk on Lebron James to be virtually worthless, Nike has decided to give back the footage it confiscated that started this whole mess to begin with. Our long national nightmare is OVER! Free Jordan Crawford worked! Huzzah!! Blah. I guess if Nike can't make money off of Lebron, then they will try their hardest to make sure no one else will as well...even though they failed a bit there.
I mean, the dunk wasn't that special and the lack of defense that Lebron played while being in the way of said dunk makes it even less impressive that Crawford "dunked on" Lebron. It didn't even look to me like he cared the kid was leaping over him. All said, its pretty weak. The value of the videos was that Nike confiscated them in the first place, thus the rules of supply and demand made those videos far more important and valuable than they really should've been. Nike actually created value with their actions...not so smart on their part.
Now, Nike has returned them. I'm amazed they didnt get leaked before they were handed back, that is some pretty impressive security that the people of Nike have there in Oregon. For what its worth, Nike is still standing by its story that they had a no videotaping policy for pickup games, but we all know that is crap.
Jordan Crawford, you are now free...to be forgotten, your 15 minutes of fame have GOT to be up now.
We at the Deuce love gambling and we love video games, so what better than to combine the two for a brand new addiction? Yes, its video game betting. Two web sites are now online to give you the excitement of betting on the outcome of an event, like sports betting, and allowing you to impact the outcome of said bet with your own skills and no house advantage, sorta like poker.
World Gaming and BringIt are both online now and will let you set up a match with another gamer on certain Xbox 360 or PS3 (BringIt also allows Wii, PS2) games, put a wager down if you wish, play for that money and the winner will take it all...for a small fee (rake) of course.
What a genius idea. The best part about it is, it's not even technically illegal as this is not a game of chance, it is a skill game, and therefore not considered gambling, its betting. You see, its a totally separate thing there. Anyways...
World Gaming, to me, appears to have a better system set up compared to BringIt, allowing only games where the outcomes can be verified automatically from the video game system itself. In these games, you use your Gamertag or whatever the hell PS3 people use to identify themselves when you play your game and World Gaming's computer system can automatically identify and verify the results of the game, thus ensuring the proper payout to the winner. The games it allows this "service" for are: on Xbox 360 you can challenge people in Halo 3, Madden 09, FIFA 09, NHL 09, NCAA Football 09 and on the PS3 you can play people in Fight Night Round 3, Madden 09, Fifa 09, Resistance: Fall of Man, MotorStorm 2 (tournaments only), NHL 09, NCAA Football 09 and MLB 09: The Show.
But, BringIt allows gamers to go 2 routes to verifying game outcomes. There are the games, such as above, which their system can automatically verify the winner, or if you're playing in games that don't, there will be sort of an "honor" system...which when money is involved, I have to think will fall apart quickly. In this honor system, both gamers have to say who won. No way this works for reals, but it does allow for more games and systems to be played with (all the above games are included plus tons more). More inclusive than World Gaming, but with way more problems that can be attached to it.
Online poker was a HUGE boon to the poker industry when it rose up in the early 2000s, now, at the tail end of the decade, one has to wonder if a similar event is about to occur. This could be the beginning of a whole new frontier in video gaming, blowing up the scene like what happened in the poker world before it. Video game tournaments, like poker tournaments did, already existed for the best of the best to compete against each other for substantial sums of money. This was generally only for the pro's pros before online poker companies started sending their winners to the World Series, launching the game into unprecedented popularity. Now, just like when Internet poker blew up, the everyman has a chance to compete for cash right on his couch, away from the intimidating scene of a large tournament, while improving their skills during the all-American pursuit of the dollar.
Video games already have a huge installed base, as the industry as a whole makes more money than even the motion picture industry. If more and more people start playing for money, it will only be a matter of time before people other than the top gamers stop seeing video games as just a hobby and more like a possible career.
Some people are going to be banking some serious cash through these sites when they explode. I just wish this was out when I was still in college...I coulda paid off my future self's law school debts with the money i won from kickin people's asses in Madden on this site. Why does all the cool stuff come out when I don't have time to use it?
The thing that makes this video is that the guys who posted it just knew you were going to rewind it about 100 times...so they made it easy on you and did it themselves, saving you the hassle. Awesome faceplant and awesome editorial decision on the fine director of this video. Hats off to you sir. Oh yea, the guy looks to be ok after the faceplant but he looked pretty shook after it. Luckily, no blood and no blood, no foul I guess. Oh yea, the video isnt even the same as the pic above...that is just an awesome picture.
Plaxico Burress was indicted by a grand jury yesterday. His NFL career might just be over.
Dropped by Chimpanzee Rage at 1:10 AM
Monday, August 3, 2009
Could be fake for sure. It at least sounds fake. I'm saying its probably fake. Its pretty loud, right into a mic and is a typical fake juicy fart sound, but you can watch for yourself and see Tiger Woods and his caddy, Steve Williams, laugh right when the fart sound happens. Nothin but the best for the Deuce.
An attempt to break the record for most women in bikinis photographed at one time was foiled yesterday when just 42 of the required 1,924 women actually showed up. Whoops, someone's gonna get fired. The organizers are reportedly blaming the bad weather forecast in the English town of Southend-on-Sea for the amount of no-shows...not the pervy photographer who wanted to break this record. The record of 1,924 is currently he'd by the Russians.
One woman summed it up brilliantly
"It's pretty rubbish I must admit. We really need to try harder.
"It made be feel pretty embarrassed to be British when we can't even mount a decent challenge."
Wait, she is embarrassed that the British couldn't mount a decent challenge? I'd think she'd be used to it by now? When exactly did the British last mount a "decent challenge" to anything? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Oh, right, you're probably just staring at those pics of bikini clad women there. Those women were not from this attempt sadly, they were from the previous record breaking attempt...no one wants to look at a beach full of British women anyway.'
From Telegraph UK