Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dear Brett Favre

Today, you announced that you will remain retired and not join the Vikings to make up for the giant suckfest of a season that you had last year with the NY Jets. And while ESPN along with its Bristol chapter of the cult of Brett tried to make us believe that this was a story that we needed to care about... to be honest my man.,. we just wanted your announcement to end like this:


So please stop this chirade... and retire with what dignity you have left...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Jammy Donuts Make Steven Gerrard Go Apes**t


Poor Stevie G. The England and Liverpool midfielder is throwing himself on the mercy of the courts after being charged with affray for beating a bar patron like a rented mule. He should be used to pleading his case. He begs referees for penalties after diving on a weekly basis during the Premier League season.

The facts of the night in question read like an average night in a douchebag bar. The altercation started after the victim, Marcus McGee refused to let Gerrard play some music on a CD player.
Marcus McGee, 34, said he disliked the footballer's attitude when requesting a card that controlled the stereo. "I would describe it as bad and rude. He was bad-mannered straight away. I acted in proportion to what his attitude was.

"When you see a famous person like that you do not think you are going to have a fight or trouble with them."

He told Liverpool crown court that Gerrard, 29, said "something to the effect of, 'Here you are, lad, give me that.' "

He refused: "It was my job, so I didn't hand it over." McGee said the manager of the Lounge Inn in Southport had asked him to be in charge of the music as he wanted to get everyone dancing.

He told the court that Gerrard made a move to try to grab the card off him to take it away and recalls it slipping on to the floor. The footballer walked away.
Gerrard later came back and asked McGee, "What the fuck is your problem?" and it was on like Donkey Kong. After getting up from the stool, McGee was beat down by several people including Gerrard. Bar staff testified that Gerrard walked off in "a huff" after having his music requests turned down before returning to throw some 'bows. There are only so many times that people want to hear "You'll Never Walk Alone".

Gerrard testified that McGee came at him although he admitted calling him a prick after having his music turned down. He thought he was under attack but CCTV footage showed otherwise.



He apologized to the court for his behavior and said that he was mistaken about the course of events.
"I am certainly mistaken in thinking he was coming towards me to throw punches at me. Now I know, obviously, he had been struck, reacted and thought the strike was by me and he came into me and that's when I reacted."
No apology for the guido fist pumps? Gerrard and his friends were getting drunk on Budweiser and Jammy Donut shots. That alone should be a crime. No respectable man should drink anything called a Jammy Donut unless he's on his knees and/or in jail. He later cried when a letter of support from Kenny Dalglish was read before the court. Pull yourself together and have some dignity. Any real Scouser would have taken pride in beating down someone in a bar. He also would have run the victim's pockets. The jury should begin deliberating tomorrow. Don't worry, Liverpool fans. He'll be on the pitch for the first game of the season. He's no Joey Barton.

UPDATE: Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty Stevie G is free at last. He's been cleared of all charges. The tear-filled apology worked. Here's to celebrity justice.

NRL Referee Gets Knocked The F**k Out

Deuce Book Review: Cooperstown Confidential

Cooperstown Confidential: Heroes, Rogues, and the Inside Story of the Baseball Hall of Fame
By Zev Chafets

Its not often that we review books here on the Deuce, mostly because we barely have enough time to run this site without having to read novels, but this one in particular caught our eye, especially in light of Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame induction weekend coming this weekend.

Any book that can humanize the revered and legendary talents in the baseball hall of fame is a welcome one, especially in light of the recent allegations for our generation's stars (you should read just to see Zev Chafets' opinions of steroids!). If you ever wanted to know the flaws of some of baseball's biggest stars in the hall of fame, this book is for you. However in finding out these flaws, you also get a healthy dose of commentary from the author about who should and shouldn't be in the hall. In addition, you also get a few other personal opinions that are great for fostering discussion in a bar, but not necessarily the facts you would want in a book about the "inside story of hall of fame". At times you wish the author would work with less opinions and more anecdotes and facts, but if he did so he might lose the entertaining and light tone that he's set throughout the book.

This book is sure to provoke many a discussion amongst baseball fans about the hall of fame and its members. Shoot, it could even cause a fight or two for its opinions on several other tangents related to baseball (there are some "interesting" discussions on race in the book that have to be read to be believed), but it is an very good, quick, read and one you should pick up if you want to instigate a few arguments and/or brawls this Hall of Fame weekend.

Mitch Williams and Rick Ankiel Feel Juan Castillo's Pain

Of course I threw a wild pitch and didn't hit my target. I'm in the minors. If I could throw strikes, I'd be in the majors. That would probably carry more weight than "I was aiming for the dugout but beaned a fan in the forehead". Oh wait.

Juan Castillo was pitching for the Peoria Chiefs against the Dayton Dragons last year when a brawl broke out. He claimed in court that he threw the ball at the Dayton dugout to prevent the benches from clearing. If he was looking to be charged with felonious assault, his plan worked perfectly.


...Castillo said he had been having pitching control problems earlier in the game, became frightened as the brawl began, and did not throw at an opposing player or with the intention of hitting anyone.

"I saw that the players with the Dragons were coming," the Spanish-speaking Castillo said, testifying through a translator. "I was nervous and frightened. I threw the ball in front of the dugout to see if they would go back. I didn't throw it to hit anyone."
Castillo is now on the Boise Hawks, a minor league affiliate of the Chicago Cubs. That's about right. He's ineligible to play pending the outcome of the legal proceedings.

Three Peoria players were hit by pitches in the previous game. Castillo pegged two batters including one who took a pitch in the head. A retaliatory hard slide into second kicked things off. 15 players including Castillo and both managers were tossed, fined and suspended for their actions. Everyone knows the first move in a brawl is to karate kick the catcher then run at the opposing team with a bat.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

NBA Jam Pool Style

Don't try this at home, kids. We don't want anyone Greg Louganising themselves.

Reggie Lewis And The Officer In The Skipgate Controversy Go Way Back


By now, most people have heard about the arrest of Harvard professor Henry "Skip" Louis Gates, Jr. by Cambridge Police. He broke into his house after coming back from a trip after being locked out and a neighbor called 911. Police responded and somehow ended up arresting him in his own home and charging him with disorderly conduct. The charges have been dropped but the controversy around the arrest lingers on. President Obama was asked a question about it during last night's health care press conference. He responded by saying the Cambridge Police acted "stupidly".

The officer in the middle of the controversy, Sgt. James Crowley, refuses to apologize to Gates for the events that led to the arrest. He told the Boston Herald that he bears no ill will towards the professor. However he insists that he isn't a racist and didn't do anything wrong. Here come the sports. Crowley performed mouth to mouth resusciatation on former Celtic Reggie Lewis 16 years ago after he collapsed from a heart attack which ended up killing him.
“I wasn’t working on Reggie Lewis the basketball star. I wasn’t working on a black man. I was working on another human being.”
Lewis' widow, Donna Lewis, admitted she was shocked when she heard that Crowley was involved in Skipgate.**
“That’s incredible,” Lewis, 44, exclaimed. “It’s an unfortunate situation. Hopefully, it can resolve itself. The most important thing is peace.”
It's honorable that Crowley did what he could to save Lewis' life. However his actions that day don't absolve him from future actions that can be seen as racist. Arresting Gates after establishing his identity is pretty suspect at the least. Would the same thing have happened to Larry Summers? N ... Oh good point, Howard Fineman.

The 11 year veteran says the events 16 years ago and the reaction to his involvement still haunt him to this day which is understandable. The loss of Reggie Lewis was a shock to family, friends and fans (including this one who grew up in the same Baltimore neighborhood). I'll have to ask The Matador what the odds would be on Crowley being involved in these two incidents. He'll have an answer.

Sergeant Crowley probably took a page from Killing Them Softly.



Open and shut case, Crowley! Skip might want to check his pockets for crack residue before he gets picked up again.

**We're going to push the name Skipgate until it takes.

Jim Telfer Wants Them Baying For F**king Springbok Blood

If this 1997 pre-match speech doesn't make you want to run through a wall, this one definitely will.



Jim Telfer is the judge and don't you forget it. I'm off to look for a fucking English pub, a pint of Guinness and a fish and chips shop.

Noel Gallagher Actually Doesn't Wax Idiotic About Manchester City

Noel Gallagher of Oasis has some interesting things to say about his favorite soccer team. Man City's number one fan** sat down with Football365 and discussed the state of the team. Topics included their newly found riches and the prospects for the upcoming Premier League season. Here are some highlights:

On wishing for the "good old days":
No. I'm absolutely loving it, and if you ask 99.9% of City fans they would say the same. I'm sick of supporting loveable, affable City - fuck that, we want the best players in the world, playing the best football in the world in the best stadium in the world, owned by the richest people in the world.
On being worried about high player wages:
If the club was a PLC and it was my money being spent on wages then yes, I'd be mighty pissed off. But it's not my money, it's not your money, and what right has anyone to tell anyone what to spend their money on? As City fans we're absolutely fucking loving it.
On Citeh's prospects for the upcoming season:
I think with no European commitments we can go all out in the Premier League. I don't think we can challenge for the title but I expect us to finish between fourth and sixth. I think if Mark Hughes can't pull this off, then he's only got himself to blame.
Many of Gallagher's views echo the sentiments of Chelsea supporters (myself included) when Roman Abramovich bought the club and saved it from likely bankruptcy. He makes a point that Chelsea fans have made when challenged on becoming a "big club".
There's a funny English attitude where almost overnight, attitudes change. I've lived in London for 15 years and every time I got in a black cab they've said, "Oh you're a City fan, we love City," and now they all think we're arrogant with ideas above our station. It's a funny English attitude towards success and money.
People hate it when anyone new comes in and threatens to upset the old order namely being Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.
Man City are no different than Chelsea in that sense. Gallagher should also note the drawbacks to wealthy owners who often see their teams as fantasy teams and stop listening to sensible advice. Maybe he'll come back to earth when he sees that money doesn't solve everything in football. Money is to football as alcohol is to life. It's the cause of and solution to all problems.

Gallagher didn't manage to keep it together for the whole interview. He claims that no player will ever match Stephen "Fucking Brilliant" Ireland. Keep in mind this is the same Stephen Ireland who bailed on Ireland by falsely claiming that his grandmother died. Let's not even talk about Man City and Real Madrid being the two most exciting teams in the world. The thought of putting Barry, Tevez, Adebayor and Santa Cruz up against Real's new signings or Barcelona among others is absurd.

**We have to think Ricky Hatton's been demoted behind Noel and Liam Gallagher after getting whupped by the Mexicutioner.

Ronaldo Is Like Freddy Into Dreams


It's always good when we can drop a Big Pun line into a post. Ronaldo sure knows how to pick them. First he gets in trouble for rolling with a gaggle of transvestites and now he's starring in an Iranian movie.
Ronaldo is set to play himself in an Iranian movie about a Palestine girl who was killed before realizing her dream of meeting him.

Still without a title, the movie is based on the true story of Alneyrab, a 13-year-old girl who dreamed of meeting the soccer star when he visited the Middle East on a humanitarian mission in 2005. She was only able to watch her idol pass through along with his entourage, and later was killed in a conflict in the region.
It's unclear how they'll make a whole movie out of this but what Ahmadinejad wants, Ahmadinejad gets. Ronaldo will only appear in a few scenes which will take place in Alneyrab's dreams. Let's hope the dreams involve his participation in humanitarian missions as opposed to his nights rolling tranny heavy. The latter might not go over so well in Iran these days.

Keeping It In The Family The Mattingly Way


Who could forget this Nick Nolte worthy mugshot? An athlete could only hope to have this dead sexy on his arm. Kim Mattingly is back. This time she's bringing some family and she will cut off that TV if you don't take her insults like a man.

Taylor Mattingly, the oldest son of Don Mattingly, was arrested after shoving and spitting on his mother because she sent him insulting text messages and cut off his satellite TV.
Mattingly acknowledged confronting his mother, Kim Mattingly, on Tuesday afternoon in her Evansville home after she had sent him a text message insulting him, his girlfriend and his father, Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Deputy Nathan Espenlaub said Wednesday.

The deputy wrote in an affidavit that Mattingly acknowledged pushing his mother down and spitting on her. Mattingly, who surrendered to police Tuesday evening, also acknowledged smashing a patio table, flipping over a second table and damaging a patio door and a window.

The affidavit states that Taylor Mattingly, who was drafted by the Yankees in the 42nd round in 2003 but no longer plays professionally, said his mother had been drinking and that when she gets drunk she calls him and makes rude comments.
Insulting three people in one text message is rather impressive. Kim claims that Taylor became angry with her after she couldn't get a car dealer to trade his car in for another one. He blew his lid when cut off his satellite TV service. He came over to her house within 15 minutes and and that's when things popped off. You can't cut off Home Improvement in Indiana and not expect to reap the whirlwind.

Care to bet any money on the next time Donnie Baseball goes back to Evansville? Kim probably insulted his 100% cotton pants. That would set any son off. Maybe he could trade Kim and Taylor for players to be named later or a bucket of week old, room temperature shrimp. The Pirates would probably take them for a couple top prospects plus Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez. That's just how they do.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Why Wont ESPN Cover News?

By now, everyone should know the whole Ben Roethlisberger civil suit story, and if you dont go ahead and read this then come on back. Ok, now, everyone should also know that ESPN is purposefully not reporting on this news story, even releasing statements why they wont cover it, despite those statements being contradictory to what has been done by TWWL in the past. If you haven't seen this discussion, read here and even here then come on back. After reading all that, I am sickened but not surprised by ESPN's course of action here.

The utter arrogance on the network's part to decide what is and what is not news is inexcusable. It begs the question about what kind of racial bias the network has, it brings to mind what kinds of corporate biases the network has with all of its partnership deals with the very sports they cover and the advertisers they have, and it brings to mind whether or not the network should even be as huge and powerful as they are.

They have no problem reporting about a dead for over 2 weeks Steve McNair's blood alcohol content, for no reason whatsoever since he was the one who was murdered, but when the Super Bowl winning quarterback get sued for sexual assault, this is not considered news. When a former super bowl winning wide-receiver gets sued in a civil suit for injuries sustained during a shootout, ESPN was all over it...but not for Roethlisberger's sexual assault civil suit.

What gives? ESPN owes everyone a real explanation here. They dropped the ball. Big time. Especially considering that every other news establishment felt that this story was actual news.

Thank goodness I have (some of) my fellow bloggers there to give me the straight news, without the filters that ESPN seems to have. I've long since given up going to ESPN for news for various reasons, including those listed above, but obviously most of America has not and ESPN owes it to its viewers to report the news not through ESPN colored glasses.

Or hey, maybe ESPN is right and everyone is wrong. I mean, no one could possibly believe that Ben Roethlisberger would ever be out of control...right?

JP Losman Has Given Up The Dream

This is just further proof that former Buffalo Bill J.P. Losman can't cut it in the NFL right here. The rumors were true, instead of holding out for a backup QB position in the big leagues, Losman has decided to sign with the Las Vegas UFL team coached by Jim Fassel. Here's his quote from the Seattle P.I.:
"I have followed J.P.'s career since his early days with Buffalo, where he impressed me with his raw talent, passing accuracy and on-field competitiveness," Fassel said. "J.P. has all the attributes of a great professional quarterback, and I am truly looking forward to working with him."

See how Fassel didnt say that he actually was a great quarterback, just that he had talent and attributes of a great quarterback? Pretty good with the words he is, also, pretty easy to be accurate when you havent thrown more than 200 balls in each of the last 2 years. Although I dunno what other attributes of a great QB he has other than actually being a quarterback. Fassel must have some keen eye that I don't have...which is why he's coaching in the UFL and not me I guess. Finally, you laugh like a damn girl JP! A GIRL! Ahem...well its true.

Next washed up QB to sign with the USFL? Everyone's money is on Sexy Rexy. He never disappoints...except when he always does.

From Seattle P.I.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

There Must Be A Law Against Starting A 12 Year Old. Oh That's Right. It's Bolivia

The last thing I remember about Bolivia is eating an Argentinian steak in Santa Cruz and not being able to taste it due to some type of flu-like sickness I picked up in Chile. For all I know, it could have been a horse or a homeless Quechua man. I'm pretty sure it was one of the two. All I know is that I was robbed of what should have been a great culinary experience. What's this have to do with 12 year old kids starting in the Bolivian professional soccer league? Nothing.

12 year old Mauricio Baldivieso came on as a substitute for Aurora in a Clausura championship match against La Paz last weekend. His father, also Aurora's manager, put him on with seven minutes left in the match. How did he do?



Freddy Adu spits in Mauricio's general direction. At least he has passing back and rolling on the ground like an Italian down to a science. In case you were wondering, he was crying as he rolled on the ground. Anyone can see that challenge wouldn't have done much to a grown player although they might have eaten it up a bit. Dad needs to chill on pushing his kid into the big time. There's plenty of time if he's any good. In the meantime, somebody give us some steaks. Enough with these Gatorade and sports drink offers. Give us something good.

This Teenager Is VERY Talented


The chicks dig the swimmers.

Via Universal Sports

Come Home Late From The Game? That's A Stabbin'


Your mind's not playing tricks on you. This post's title is similar to the previous one. We just can't be bothered to try this afternoon. We also don't have some crazy wife waiting at home to stab us because we got lazy while blogging. Too bad the same can't be said for a Malaysian man who's in the hospital thanks to his wife and a kitchen knife.

The unidentified man was stabbed twice in the chest by his wife after coming home late from watching Manchester United play the Malaysian national team. He promised to come home immediately after the game but didn't show up until after midnight. In his wife's defense, she did take him to the hospital after stabbing him. Police are still deciding whether to file charges against her. That's some mighty fine police work, Lou.

Photo: Idiot Press
Chinese kid executes a perfect Transformers fail. Optimus Prime says "Sdgertwg".

Fake A Bloody Injury? That's A Suspendin'


Curt Schilling says Harlequins are doing it wrong. Who can forget his "heroic" 2004 bloody sock stunt? He saved Boston and sentenced the rest of America to a lifetime of hearing from insufferable Red Sox fans. The sock is already enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame along with George Brett's pine tar bat. Maybe Brett's bat is in the Royals Hall of Fame but it's a still a hall albeit with much less fame. Where will Harlequins' Tom Williams fit into the history of great cheaters? Somewhere between Bill Belichek and Albert Belle.

Williams was suspended for 12 months by an independent disciplinary panel for faking a bloody injury in order to effect a substitution.
Williams and the club were both found guilty of fabricating a cut to the mouth in order to allow substituted fly-half Nick Evans to return to the field with five minutes remaining.

Television cameras spotted Williams winking towards the bench with 'blood' smeared around his mouth.
Two members of the team's medical team had misconduct charges dismissed which seems a bit suspect. Did Williams have fake blood on him before the medics came out to "assist" him? He couldn't have hatched the plan himself. The director of rugby was also cleared although the club was fined £215,000 half of which is suspended for two years. Someone else had a hand in this subterfuge fail but we may never know the full details until Williams has an author ghostwrite his inevitably uninteresting autobiography. See Cashley Cole.

Monday, July 20, 2009

David Beckham Knows How To Lose Friends And Alienate People


Say what you will about David Beckham but there aren't many people who can make Los Angeles sports fans legitimately passionate about anything. Too bad they're all about hating him. His return to the Home Depot Center vs. AC Milan was a bit less than pleasant as Galaxy fans made their feelings known about his Milan sabbatical. Let's just say they weren't as welcoming as they were during his 2007 debut against Chelsea.

Beckham was greeted with boos and signs saying things such as "Go Home Fraud" and "23: Repent". Things got interesting at halftime when he walked over and confronted the L.A. Riot Squad section. One supporter responded by leaping out of the stands before being jumped by security. He was arrested for trespassing.
"One of the guys was saying things that wasn't very nice. It was stepping over the line," Beckham said. "I said, `You need to calm down and come shake my hand,' and he jumped over."
Suckering fans into getting arrested isn't going to help Beckham's cause despite setting up both Galaxy goals. It's probably a matter of time before Goldenballs and Posh pack up and head back to Milan or London for good. Chelsea and Spurs have both expressed interest in acquiring the England international.

The anger and resentment of Galaxy fans is understandable but some of the abuse has been over the line. There are arguments to be made on both sides. England manager Fabio Capello told Beckham that he had no chance of making the 2010 World Cup side as long as he played in the MLS due to the quality of play. There's no question that it's much lower than top European leagues such as Serie A or the Premier League. He's simply doing what he has to do.

On the other hand, Beckham made a promise to the Galaxy and American soccer. He committed to playing in the league and raising the profile of the sport in the US. The Galaxy haven't improved because of him. It seems clear that he hasn't done much to raise the profile of the game in the country. He drew massive crowds during his MLS debut season but they've dropped off considerably. If he knew he wanted to play for England in 2010, he should have stayed in Europe to satisfy Capello. Was it a money grab or a chance for his wife to make it big in Hollywood? Check out Grant Wahl's "The Beckham Experiment" for details behind the Beckham fail. If anything, Landon Donovan will be happy to see Beckham leave for good so he can go back to being a big fish in a small pond.
I taste a reality show hit. Taste of Love could be huge in Indonesia and the rest of southeast Asia.

Brooklyn Cyclones Salute Pregnancy

Minor league baseball teams will do anything to get people to games, even appealing to demographics that most sports teams ignore, such as pregnant women. The Brooklyn Cyclones had a salute to pregnancy on Sunday where they offered a centerfield Lamaze class before the game, pregnancy food favorites such as pickles, ice cream, anchovy pizzas etc., a run/walk around the bases, a ceremonial first pitch by women in their 3rd trimester and if any woman gives birth at the stadium before the end of the game, the entire family gets tickets for life.

All pretty nice stuff for them to give out. There was one more giveaway though, and its a doozy. If any mother agrees to name her child "Brooklyn" or "Cy" will get season tickets for life.

Sadly, the kid doesnt get anything for being named after a minor league baseball team except relentless teasing for the rest of his/her life for being the child of an asshat.

From Brooklyn Cyclones

Friday, July 17, 2009

Don't taser my bacon, bro

Derek Jeter Should Have Considered Nashville


Derek Jeter doesn't know a bargain when he sees one. He's currently building what will be the largest home in the Tampa area. This monstrosity could easily hold 10 strip mall strip clubs. He could easily put Ybor City out of business.

How much is Jeter's house? It's impossible to say because "it's one of a kind and unlikely to attract many buyers besides the ultrawealthy". The property, purchased under the name of Kered Connors LLC (Derek spelled backwards), brought in $7.7 million several years ago. It comes in a 30,875 square feet which is approximately the size of a Best Buy store.

Instead of blowing his load outbuilding the owner of an RV empire, Jeter should have considered Steve McNair's house which is currently on the market.


The house is reportedly listed for $3.8M but if you act now, you can get $800,000 off and (wait for it) a football autographed by Steve McNair. What a bargain. Jeter is crazy for not considering this deal. It's a deal. It's a steal. It's the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fuck it. I think I'll buy it myself.


What a fine poster. How could Mr. Yankee say no to such an exclusive house? Who wouldn't love to live in the house of someone who sacrificed for all of us like Jesus? Shout out to my boy Ray Ray.
NASA lost the original footage of the moon landing. Mel Gibson was right. Give me back my truth!

The Matador's BCS National Championship Favorites

The Matador can't help but feel sorry for folks like Mr. Walker. So if you are reading this 'Tione, go to Reno before your arraignment, sign some of those fake checks and place some money on the 2010 BCS National Championship game futures. If you go to jail, by the time you get out, you will have a little next egg.

Now, the favored to win the 2010 BCS National Championship Game is Florida at 2/1. It's a solid bet, but before you jump on the Gator bandwagon, consider these other teams:

Texas (8/1): The Longhorns will have a potent offense and will simply win by outscoring their opponents. To be a solid contender, the defense must step up their play and pray opposing offenses have bad days.

Oklahoma (6/1): Oklahoma has a strong Heisman Trophy winner QB, two 1000 yard rushers in the backfield, two players with hands in TE Jermain Gresham and WR Ryan Broyles, but with all that talent, the Sooners have questions as to who will block for them since the O line is young, inexperienced, and untested. The defense returns 9 and showed signs of great improvement towards the end of the season and even held Florida below their scoring average.

Ohio State (11/1) & Penn State (35/1): The Big 10 hasn't been getting much respect these days, but if any of these two teams go undefeated, the winner will be in the BCS National Championship game. I'm leaning towards Penn State simply because their schedule is fairly weak and they play Ohio State at home. JoePa could end the season with the championship trophy in hand.

Notre Dame (25/1): It pains me to say this, but ND is returning a very strong and seasoned offense. Weis will finally get his team back to where ND should be. This team has the schedule to go far. If they can upset USC, there will be BCS and possibly National Championship talk brewing in South Bend.

USC (7/1): It is inevitable USC will lose one game in the regular season. They have seven consecutive Pac 10 titles yet have only one BCS Title during that span. Either the team is overrated or they don't get the respect they deserve. Anyway, with a new QB in Aaron Corp and an untested defense, this will certainly be an uphill battle.
Feel weird about eating goat dick because it's too beaucoup? Now you have another reason to pass the plate. Goat penis bacteria is running loose like the VC in Vietnam.

Antoine Walker is the Poor Man's Charles Barkley

Antoine Walker and Charles Barkley might have more in common than we think. Once thing we do know, besides their propensity to drive while under the influence, is that they both like to borrow insane amounts of money from casinos...and don't give a damn about paying that debt back on time. Walker was arrested yesterday at a Harrah's casino in Lake Tahoe yesterday for failing to pay back his markers by writing a string of bad checks to casinos...$1 million worth to be exact. Yea, that would make it a felony.

See, the thing about Chuck is, he had the money, he just took his sweet time to pay it back. Antoine apparently doesn't. This is a particularly stunning assumption since he has made about $100 million just in his NBA salaries alone. His spending might have set a new record in blowing through one's cash. I mean, unless you are Montgomery Brewster you have zero reason to burn your money that fast. None. One thing is certain however, Antoine Walker is the single worst gambler on the planet. Bar none. What on earth was he playing in there? Some bullshit Pai Gow Poker, War or some other crazy carnival game? Seriously, where were those 1-800-GAMBLER commercials when he needed them.

In any event, we might have a new title belt holder in the "Dumbest NBA Player" championships. Wait, I might've just thought of a new series on the Deuce. Thanks 'Toine...you stupid bastard.

From Miami Herald
Finally some news you can use. New York's 82 Most Notable Burgers. Notable omission: White Slab.

Constitutional Vol. "We Need More Sports"

Its Friday ladies and gentlemen, not as prolific a week for us, but you really cant blame us, it was the slowest sports week of the year. THE WHOLE YEAR. Which means we should see what other creative types are posting today, to help spread the blogging love. Enjoy these links today...and welcome to the Constitutional. Be sure to follow us on Twitter @chimpanzeerage and @mredonkulous. Also, be a fan of our brand spanking new Facebook Page for the Deuce. We're gettin hip to the times here.
  • Our boy The Matador is all growns up, check out his breakdown of The Big East for this upcoming NCAA Season - The Matador

  • Skier is critically injured after falling off an escalator. Weird. - Sportress of Blogitude

  • Absolutely hilarious t-shirt. Great find. - Walkoff Walk

  • For you Redskins fans, they burned through another draft pick yesterday. - Mister Irrelevant

  • Dan Snyder's radio station is about to get destroyed. - Stet Sports

  • Is it Lamar Odom's agent's fault for not getting a deal done with LA? - With-Malice

  • And Amare Soudemire is losing his mind. - Major League Jerk

  • This is how bad Joba Chamberlin has been for the Yankees - Five Tool Tool

  • Ronaldo and Real Madrid not doing so well together. - Rumors And Rants

  • 5 reasons why Richard Jefferson left his woman at the altar. - The World of Isaac

  • Finally, we get political with this old footage of Bob Costas speaking out against current Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. - Hugging Harold Reynolds

Magic Johnson Remembers The Times But Not The Details

Magic Johnson's eulogy was one of the notable parts of Michael Jackson's memorial service. It wasn't his eloquence or lack thereof that made it memorable. Who knew Michael made Magic a better point guard? There was also the story about Michael stuffing himself with a bucket of KFC.



Bizarre yet sweet. Right? Not so much. It turns out Michael would have blown a famous bowl after Magic left. He had a bit of an issue with bulimia.
"Michael was bulimic. ... It hit me when Magic [Johnson] was talking about Michael sitting on the floor with him eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. ... Everyone thought that was a great thing at the memorial service, and it was. Only thing, what Magic -- and everyone else -- didn't realize: Michael then would have gone and thrown up all of that.

"He would down unbelievable amounts of things like KFC extra-crispy chicken -- like a whole family-size bucket by himself -- or a couple of large Domino's pizzas or two or three whole Marie Callender's pies ... and then go throw them up,'' a clear sign of bulimic behavior.
Bulimia ain't cool. Even when Magic try to do right, he do wrong just like the Magic Hour.

This Is One Big Fish Story

Somehow, this is apparently not photoshopped. That is a freaking 9 foot long, 193lbs catfish that was caught by a 4'10", 84lb, 14 year old girl. It only took her 20 minutes to real the monster in. Insanity. Its like a real life General Sherman

From Daily Mail UK

Thursday, July 16, 2009

John Daly Can Wear Whatever Pants He Wants

Look at these awesome outfits that John Daly was rocking during the practice sessions for the British Open. What other person could get away with golfing, with a cigarette in mouth, wearing those awesome pants? No one! As a matter of fact, I am not 100% sure that John Daly can actually get away with it, but ya know what, he doesn't give a rats ass what I or anyone else thinks. You know why? Because he's John "grip it and rip it" Daly thats why.

He didnt stop at that lovely number, check out some of his other awesome pants below here.

Fan-freakin-tastic. The British Open should be quite a show, if not just for the clothing alone.

Via AP

Travis Henry Gets What Is Coming To Him

Travis Henry gets 3 years in prison for financing a multi-state drug ring. He also got 5 years probation and 500 hours of rehab. Apparently with the rehab completed adn with good behavior he might be able to get out of jail in as little as 16 months.

Nevertheless, at 30 years old, Travis Henry might as well start filling out the NFL retirement papers now and get that pension going. He's not gonna be back in the league ever again. Someone's gotta think of the kids!

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Soccer's Joe Theismann


Yea, you definitely get a red card for this play. This might rival Joe Theismann for the worst leg breaking ever. Its a couple months old, and sure its been posted places, but hey, its new to me. I dont watch teh futbol like Mustafa does. I kinda threw up in my mouth a little watching it over and over and over again.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sir Charles Can't Get No Respect

Let's see how Charles Barkley reacts to Tiger mocking his golf swing. Maybe he'll call him a pussy too.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Matador previews the ACC


This week, The Matador is predicting the winners of the ACC. Since 1992, Florida State and Virginia Tech have won a combined 15 ACC titles. Since Florida State and VaTech represent the Atlantic and Coastal divisions respectively, there is a good chance the two teams will meet in the ACC title game. But before I discuss that game, let's look at some of the teams who will make some noise in the otherwise quiet, and what some call second tier, ACC.

Both the Atlantic and Coastal divisions are about as shallow as a toilet bowl. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and against pretty much every college football writer, to pick Maryland to challenge FSU for the Atlantic Crown. I give up on Clemson and C.J. Spiller (see last year's game against Alabama and pretty much the rest of the season). They have QB issues, their LBs are not proven and it's Clemson -- they never live up to their potential. NC State will upset teams, but they are too young and thin at key positions to play consistently much less take the crown. BC is returning most of their starters, but with a new coach, new offense and new QB, it will be a long season for the Eagles. That brings us to Maryland. Ralph Friedgen has a good QB and team leader in Chris Turner. The receivers are experienced and are ready to play. Da'Rel Scott is poised to light up the running game. Maryland has been blessed with good recruiting. If this team can gel, Friedgen could rattle the ACC even if the critics pick them to be dead last.

Florida State has a solid O line and a great linebacker in Dekoda Watson. The reason they will fall is their brutal schedule. They are playing 11 bowl teams from 2008. Their away schedule is by far the toughest in the Atlantic with a cross-country trip to BYU, then games at BC, at North Carolina, at Clemson, at Wake, and finishing the season at the National Champ bound Florida Gators. Their D line is too weak and lacks experience to win week in and week out. Also, there are the intangibles: the face of this program is changing. Since when does an FSU player skip the NFL draft to study at Oxford (Kudos to Rolle, but this isn't the typical act of an FSU player).

With that, this is the Terrapins time to shine in the Atlantic division and they will if they get over that first hurdle at Cal.

The Coastal division isn't as complicated in my mind. VaTech will cruise again and win the division. In fact, VaTech has a the schedule to get them to the National Championship game. Their out of conference games include a road trip to Atlanta against Alabama and a home game against Nebraska. If VaTech wants to give the team and conference the respect they covet, they must win both of these games. Georgia Tech and North Carolina might have something to say about it as Georgia Tech is returning a strong offense and Carolina is returning a strong defense. However, neither team will take down VaTech. Also, UNC's final record will be misleading as two wins will be against the Citadel and Georgia Southern -- playing those teams doesn't cut it.

Again, the most complete team in the ACC is VaTech led by Tyrod Taylor. The Matador is giving no love to Miami (Randy Shannon, it's just not working out). The last time Miami won a league title was when they played in the Big East in 2003. Virginia's Al Groh needs to figure out a way to put pressure on the ball, and I'm not sold on their version of the spread offense. As for Duke.......well, basketball is really their sport.

ACC Championship Game: Maryland v. VaTech

The Matador's correct prediction: VaTech wins.

But does all this really matter? The one thing you can bet on for sure, the ACC will not produce a National Champion much less a contender.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Deuce Gets Political

Don't say the Deuce doesn't care about politics and world affairs. Here are some shots you may have missed from the G8 summit.


It's hard to keep your game face when you're in the home of a player like Silvio Berlusconi. Obama does a much better job below. Sarkozy and Bishop Don Magic Silvio don't even try.


Play on, G8 playas.

The Matador Answers His Fan Mail


Matador,

I saw your blog on the Big 10 on Deuce of Davenport, would be interested to get your read on Iowa. They played very well last season with several very close losses. Could they surprise this season? Decent QB, nice receiving corps and solid O-line. Great experience at LB and secondary. Tough schedule getting OSU, PSU and Wisconsin on the road but I am thinking they may be a nice ATS team this season. Any thoughts appreciated...

A Fan

The Iowa Hawkeyes had a successful and promising 2008 campaign and ended the season thumping South Carolina in the Outback Bowl 31-10. Fans should expect more of the same in 2009 as Kirk Ferentz is returning 14 starters (6 on offense and 8 on defense) led by seasoned QB Ricky Stanzi. The defense will be solid with a few exceptions at the line. There will be some concern about plugging up the middle. However, the linebackers are arguably the best in the conference next to Penn State's and will wreak havoc for opposing offenses. Their secondary has 3 returning starters lead by Amari Spievey. The defensive line will have trouble against solid running teams, but will be able to prevent the deep ball. Karl Klug and Michael Daniels will have to step it up. The offense will miss Shonn Greene, but Jewel Hampton proved as a true freshman that he can run with the best of them. The senior line will provide huge holes for this 5'9 running back to get to the second level. I love Tony Moeaki and he has the potential to be one of the top TEs, but he is injury prone--so let's hope he stays healthy. What worries me about Iowa is their QB situation. There is absolutely no depth at this position. If Stanzi goes down, this team will be toast. Also, there is still no true kick returner on special teams. Iowa must find one quick.

The irony of this team is they will be better than they were last year; however, this year's schedule is much more difficult. Thus, The Matador is foreseeing a 9-3 regular season. They should win their first two games easily against Northern Iowa and Iowa State. Arizona will be a bit of a challenge, but the Pac 10 doesn't fare well when they leave the comfort of their region (i.e., Oregon State getting torched by PSU in Happy Valley; Cal getting burned by Maryland in College Park; and, Stanford losing at Notre Dame). Iowa will have a tough time against PSU on the road as this is a revenge match for the Nittany Lions. The Lions will want to run this score up and Royster and Green will certainly expose Iowa's weak line. Iowa will then get back to its winning streak against Arkansas State and Michigan. Iowa should beat Wisconsin; the Hawkeyes play terrible on the road, but should beat this weaker team. Unfortunately, Iowa's next hurdle will be Michigan State -- another road game. The Hawkeyes have had trouble at Spartan stadium this past decade. They cannot seem to win there. Iowa will quickly bounce back and beat Indiana and should squeak by Northwestern. Iowa will then visit the Buckeyes at the Horseshoe. Iowa has not played OSU in the past two seasons, but in the games played in '05 and '06, Iowa was crushed -- outscored by a combined score of 69-23. Iowa will not fare well on this road test. Iowa will then conclude the season with a victory over Minnesota.

Now from a gambling perspective, Iowa will win at least 9 games this season (look for over/under at 8.0 and take the over). As for individual games, check back throughout the season. This is especially important because the entire offense rests on whether or not Stanzi stays healthy. I can tell you this much though, recently Iowa has not fared well ATS (2006; 2-10, 2007; 6-6, and 2008; 7-5). Additionally, Iowa has tremendous trouble winning on the road. They only beat one team in conference play last year on the road at Indiana.

Recap: Iowa wins 9 games.



Hee Hee! Michael Jackson And Exeter City Try To Make That Change

Everbody's got AIDS! What's better than Michael Jackson trying to connect with English soccer fans? Michael Jackson trying to connect with English soccer fans by talking about kids with AIDS and malaria. Asking them to hold hands is a great touch. Ow!



The laughter at the beginning of the video says it all. Michael don't know sports but he believes he sees Israel and Spain. He also sees France and kids with no pants. Is he talking about Exeter City, disease, prejudice or war? The only consistent theme is the kids. Hmmm... There's also talk about hating, David Blaine and Uri Geller. His speech is as focused as Sarah Palin's resignation ramble. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to grab a soccer hooligan's hand and tell him that I love him. This should go over well.

Iverson Is A Sensitive Dude

This here is one interesting video to watch. I guess if you've been as persecuted as Allen Iverson has been throughout his high school, college and professional athletic career, you would become a pretty sensitive guy too. If you take as many shots as the Answer has, eventually you have to show a little pain as A.I. did in front of a group of students while discussing his scholarship program.

AI hasn't exactly tried to endear himself to mainstream (ie: white) America through his career and for that, I guess there is a price and burden to pay. There's no doubt he has paid steep prices for any of his past transgressions and doesn't get enough praise for the positive things he has done throughout his life. Of course all of this comes with the territory of being a multi-millionaire all-star NBA player, he chose the life, he has to accept all that comes with it, so sympathy from anyone, including me is a little hard to obtain.

All that being said, he is human and this is quite a glimpse at the "real" Allen Iverson that he so rarely shows to the public after being beaten up by it for so many years. Check it out below.

From Daily Press

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Sahel Kazemi DUI Video

Because we're not above posting this stuff, here is Steve McNair murderer Sahel Kazemi's DUI arrest that occurred a week before the slaying of the former NFL star. Nothing more to say really, watch it if you're interested in this wack-job.



Via Jersey Chaser

All Olympics Channel Coming To Bore You To Death

That is about the first thing I thought of when I read that the U.S.O.C. is going to try to start up an Olympics Channel with Comcast. How on earth can you base a channel off of an event that occurs every 4 years (well 2 years if you count the Winter Games) and you can't even broadcast the actual Olympic events because all the rights for it were bought by NBC.

ESPN Classics doesn't work and it re-broadcasts some of the best games ever from all sports, how on earth is this channel going to survive? Is it going to be an all shot put and discuss channel? I can only imagine the ultra-inspirational kind of Olympics Network original movies they'll make. There's gotta be hours upon hours of "Where are they now" and "Biography" type materials they're making...that will stop being interesting after they do Mary Lou Retton.

I'm really tryin to wrap my head around this, but the U.S.O.C. is not scared about the viability of the channel:
Peter Ueberroth, the former U.S.O.C. chairman, said on the call, “This network is dedicated to taking our 40 to 45 sports to the American public, to show what the youngsters are doing, what Olympians are doing as they qualify, and showing there are options besides the most popular sports.”

Bellingham added, “We have we have to speak to the values and ideals of the movement as the athletes follow their dreams.”

See, right there...what Ueberroth said...they aren't going to be broadcasting the most popular sports. How does one make money not doing what is popular? Riddle me this Ueberroth!?! My simple simian mind must not be able to understand this. Brilliant idea guys. Brilliant.

From New York Times

Constitutional Vol. "Sit Back & Relax"

Thursday, a day for reflection of on the week that has been and a day of anticipation for the upcoming weekend fun to be had. Let us aide you in this moment of reflection and anticipation. We give you links...because we care. So enjoy these links today...and welcome to the Constitutional. Be sure to follow us on Twitter @chimpanzeerage and @mredonkulous. Also, be a fan of our brand spanking new Facebook Page for the Deuce. We're gettin hip to the times here.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Matador visits Sophia Gardens


For all you Philip Hughes fans, Australia is going to be all over England in this upcoming TEST match at Sophia Gardens. England, led by Kevin Pietersen, doesn’t stand a chance against the strong willed Australian team. Australia’s ICC ranking is #1 compared to the feeble English lads who rank #5. Tim Nielson will out coach Andy Flower and Australia will be victorious. The smart money is on Australia even though they are 4/5 on most sports books compared to England's 37/20. The Matador knows this isn’t a good payoff, but my job is to provide the winners.

Bet smart and don’t bet above your head.

If you don't know by now, I'm talking about cricket and Ashes 2009.

Michael Owen's Contract Details Are Tough But Fair


A London-based friend of the Deuce was kind enough to pass along the contract details of Manchester United's Michael Owen. Here are some of the highlights.

£30,000 per week basic pay.

£20,000 per starting appearance, conditional on Owen completing at least three minutes on the pitch without collapsing in an anguished heap.

£20,000 per goal scored, as long as he doesn’t break his arm/hip/entire skeletal frame celebrating with Rio Ferdinand.

£30,000 for every goal scored against Liverpool, conditional on Owen dancing a jig in front of Rafael Benitez. Owen must not injure himself mid-jig.

£20,000 for every successful hounding of a referee. Must ensure official is too scared to award any controversial decisions against United for the rest of the match/season/eternity.

£20,000 one-off fee to take Nani on a helicopter ride to a small island off the coast of Iceland, and leave him there.

£20,000 one-off fee payable upon Owen burning all copies of his promotional brochure. He must never mention said brochure again.

£70,000 reduction in pay if Owen ever declares himself fit to play for England again.

Ponch Needs To Slow His P*rn Roll

Erik Estrada is gonna have some splainin' to do. First he molested "Take Me Out to the Ballgame".



It's not the worst rendition of the song. Ozzy Osbourne and Denise Richards don't have to worry about anyone stealing their thunder or lack thereof. Estrada decided to make television viewers forget about his singing by throwing kiddie porn and Ron Jeremy in the mix.



The former actor and current deputy sheriff (Bedford County, VA) was talking about his policing and lobbying efforts against kiddie porn when he dropped this gem.
"I've seen my fair share of child pornography, and I want to do something about it."
He went on to discuss his police work, reality TV career and the virtues of Ron Jeremy who is apparently a certified special education teacher and talented musician in addition to being hung like a donkey. It was all Len Kasper and Bob Brenly could do to get back into the game.

I can't wait until Steve Pocaro of Toto sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch then tells Len and Bob that he's done some research and learned that the root chakra is his taint.

Erik Estrada Talks Child Porn With Len and Bob [Sports Pros(e)]
If anyone knows the whereabouts of Bartolo Colon, please call Ken Williams. The Chicago White Sox lost their pitcher and have no idea where he is. He was rehabbing in Charlotte, was supposed to start at AAA Charlotte and is scheduled to start for the Sox on Thursday. Somebody check the Taco Burrito Palace #2 or Carmen's.

Zero Tolerance Wants To Unload Its Logo On The Texans' Back

You know what's better than toast? Mo' toast and that's how I beat Larry Holm', Dabe Robenfeld.

Leave it to the MLS to introduce sponsors on jerseys in the US. It may be common everywhere else in the world but the top four professional leagues have managed to avoid advertising on jerseys until now. The NFL voted to allow teams to place sponsor logos on their practice jerseys back in March. Expect a bukkake-style explosion of ads before long as most teams will do anything to make a buck.

Zero Tolerance Entertainment thinks it can make the Houston Texans bend over for "several zeros" and place the company logo on their practice jerseys. Good luck with that. Zero Tolerance is best ... well, only known for porn. You can find all your favorites such as Jenna Haze, Courtney Cummz, Rebeca Linares and the almost legit Sasha Grey. We're not even going to link to their website but don't front like you don't know the address already. Fine, here's the NSFW link. We can't begin to tell you how NSFW this link is unless you work for Vivid. I just ordered Popporn: The Guide to Making Fuck. It was a no-brainer once I heard Gene Shalit makes dirty mustache love to it.


It's safe to say the offer is a non-starter. The company issued a press release stating as much.
"Every team in the league starts the season by saying, that they’ll have Zero Tolerance for losing,” the company said. "While our offer may not be taken seriously, there is some undeniable synergy between the NFL and the name of our company."
Zero tolerance for what? Fun? Self-expression? The name seems more appropriate for the NFL than the company. We've seen plenty of Zero Tolerance offerings and it's pretty clear their talent will tolerate almost anything.


The Texans should do themselves a favor and consider the offer. The synergy between the Texans and the company starts and stops with the Sex Cannon. This could be a partnership for the ages especially barely 18.
AOL is so 1990s. They're still trying to scam people out of their money. They're pulling the same b.s. by demanding payment for non-existent subscriptions and account upgrades.

Racing And Nazis Go Together Like Peanuts And Gum


What is it with racing bosses and their obsession with Nazis? FIA head Max Mosley was videotaped in a Nazi themed orgy with five hookers last year. He was seen "giving orders in German as he [lashed] girls wearing mock death camp uniforms and [was] himself whipped until he bleeds". Oh his dad happened to be Oswald Mosley, a fascist who was down with Adolf Hitler.

Enter F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone. Bernie, who's good friends with Mosley, goosestepped in it when he praised Hitler as a leader who "got things done". He also claimed that the dictator was "persuaded to do things that I have no idea whether he wanted to or not".


Ecclestone's comments didn't go over too well as one might imagine. When informed that the World Jewish Congress didn't appreciate the Nazi love and wants him to resign, he manned up and doubled down.
'It's a pity [the World Jewish Congress] didn't sort the banks out,' he said. ' When asked to elaborate he countered: ' They have a lot of influence everywhere.'
Ist sie nicht wunderbar, Bernie. He finally issued an apology three days after his interview with the Times of London. Make of it what you will.
He insisted 'things were taken a little bit wrong' and his praise of the German tyrant was 'not what he meant' before adding: 'Those who don't know me think I support Hitler's atrocities; those who do know me have told me how unwise I was to articulate my points so badly that it should have been so widely misunderstood.

'During the 1930s Germany was facing an economic crisis but Hitler was able to rebuild the economy, building the autobahns and German industry.

'That was all I meant when I referred to him getting things done.

'I'm an admirer of good leadership, of politicians who stand by their convictions and tell the voters the truth.
The billionaire went on to praise Hitler again for turning a bankrupt country into a strong one and showing what someone can do if they "have the power and don't have to keep back and referring every five minutes". Bernie says compromise is for bitches. He then went on to say his boy Max Mosley would do a "super job" as prime minister. Yeesh. Who knew the Fourth Reich would start in auto racing?
Did you watch Hung on HBO? Wondering what life is like for a male hooker? Let the Daily Beast splain' something to you about the world of the male ho.