Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Who knew being raped by a wombat made one speak like an Australian? Arthur Craddock of New Zealand called the police and claimed he was being raped by a wombat only to call back and tell him that the wombat ceased and desisted.
"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty alright you know. I didn't hurt my bum at all."
The story of Dontrelle Willis' fall from being Rookie of the Year to his current state is not that funny in spite of the catchy post title. The Tigers asked MLB for permission to remove Willis from their active roster and place him on the DL after he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Willis sat at his locker Sunday morning and calmly answered questions from reporters for about 15 minutes. He said he wants to "live and play baseball" and seemed upbeat about his chances for a recovery."This is not something where I'm too amped up, I don't know where I'm at, and I'm running sprints up and down the parking lot. They (the doctors) see something in my blood that they don't like. I'm not crazy. My teammates might think I'm crazy. But this is not something like that."
The line brawl between the Canucks and Blackhawks on Sunday night had a little bit of everything. Cheap shots, straight lefts, body slams and hair pulling. The Canucks' Alex Burrows decided he didn't want any of what the Hawks' Duncan Keith was giving so he decided to man up, grab Keith's hair and hold on for dear life. Witness his shame as well as some quality brawlin'.
Keith said, "My little sister never even pulled my hair when I was a kid. It's kind of comical when you have a grown man trying to pull your hair on the ice." No. This is comical on the ice. Freedom hater.
Forward Adam Burish was offended that someone would mess with Keith's haircut. Especially a nice haircut like Duncan has. "I think that's stupid the way he was pulling [Keith's] hair. Especially a nice haircut like Duncan has."
Good on Ben Eager for keeping hockey fighting respectable and teaching the kids that there's a right way to beat that ass. He worked Kevin Bieksa's ass like a rented mule. Burrows should be ashamed. Hair pulling just embarrasses us all.
Hair-raising time for Blackhawks' Keith [Chicago Tribune]
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Moats was speeding towards the hospital with his wife in tow and at one point even threw his flashers on driving through a red light in an effort to make it to the hospital in time to say his final farewells and that is when he caught the attention of one Dallas police officer who finally pulled him over in the hospital parking lot. Moats' wife ran into the hospital, disregarding the officer, while Moats himself was pleading to the cop to let him go to his dying mother in law, all while being ignored. He never got to see her before she died.
You should watch the video of the event here on Dallasnews.com, its pretty amazing that the cop didn't bother to listen to anything that Moats was saying.
At this point, the Dallas police have dropped the ticket that was issued to Moats and apologized, but there is an investigation of the officer pending. Lets hope the guy gets into this situation with one of his own dying relatives. Then maybe he'll understand that a little sympathy goes a long way with dealing with the people he is sworn to protect and serve...emphasis on serve.
Assistant Police Chief Floyd Simpson said it the best
"When people are in distress, we should come to the rescue," said Simpson. "We shouldn't further their distress."Via Dallas News.com
Shawn Johnson is safe, but probably a bit freaked out, and her mom Terri says:
"This incident has caused us severe emotional distress, we have been on the move ever since and have not been able to rest at all for fear that this disturbed person will attempt to make good on his statements and attempt to harm my daughter and possibly us as well,"
I'd say she's been on the move, lots of moves on that Dancing With the Stars show. Although, since I never watch it so I have no clue how she's doing on it. She could move like a Wookie in a tar pit for all I know.
Bail for O'Ryan was set at $35,000 and a restraining order is in place for him to stay 100 yards away from Johnson and have zero contact with her. Yea...that'l do it. Just tell him not to stalk her. I'm sure no one has done that before. She'll be totally safe now. Just remember kids, nothing can stop the Pedobear.
I'm not sure there can be a greater collection of suckage than if the LA Clippers and Isiah Thomas join forces. The team should just go ahead and change their name to the Los Angeles Black Holes since the only thing black holes do is suck. This would be the suckiest sucking black hole that ever sucked.
If this happens, the only thing that can make this team suck even more is if Michael Jordan buys on as a co-owner and they figure out that no one has signed Penny Hardaway, Alonzo Mourning, or Robert Horry, signing them on for one last Space Cowboys like run at glory.
Personally, I think it has to happen. It makes too much sense. Hear me out. Of all stupid and incomprehensable moves that Donald Sterling has ever made as an owner, this one makes the most sense in its brainlessness. How? Well, of all the stupid moves that Sterling could make, this is the stupidest, which means its the most likely stupid move he could do, which means it makes the most sense that this deal gets done. Its almost like it was a foregone conclusion that Isiah would eventually end up in LA. It is truly a match made in heaven...and it must happen.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Italian football has everything from Serie C players servicing Serie A players to massive match-fixing scandals. It's the wild west of the big time. This latest story doesn't rank up there with the most shocking. It's more a WTF than anything else. Let's meet Andrea Vasa.
Vasa, a defender for local Milan side Brera, has a new home. No big deal except he's living in the front window of fashion designer Dirk Bikkemberg's new "mega-boutique". A free luxury pad for a player who toils six leagues below Serie A sounds too good to be true. Tom would say, "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century! Actually, Andrea, fuck it. I'll keep it myself."
There's a big catch. Customers are allowed to call on Vasa at any time the store is open. They can go through his storage spaces which are filled with Bikkemberg products. He can't decide who comes and goes no matter what he's doing. Bikkemberg isn't without empathy. He covered the shower with copies of Gazzetta dello Sport which is the sports newspaper of record in Italy.
Bikkemberg says Vasa will allow customers to "identify with a sporting personality". That's like saying customers in a store would be attracted by the opportunity to hang out with a semi-pro football player. I suppose now's a good time to announce that I'm moving into the Conway across from Penn Station on 34th next week. Come identify with a semi-prominent sports blogger from open to close and buy some clothing that will probably bleed or come apart before you get home.
Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti on Ray Lewis
Were you disappointed in how Ray Lewis handled himself this offseason in regard to talking about other teams?
Bisciotti: No. It humored me.
How did it humor you?
Bisciotti: We already had an understanding of what he was doing. I wanted Ray to explore his options. So, when he came back, he was 100 percent comfortable that Ozzie had given him a legitimate contract. It didn't bother me at all because Ray is one of the great self-marketers. I think he's a brilliant guy. I would have been disappointed had he not done the best to try and generate interest from other teams. I was just amused.
Q&A with Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti [Baltimore Sun]
via The Guardian
No one wants anything to do with Jessica Simpson besides Tony Romo. Tiger Woods is attempting a comeback after being out of the game for a minute. The last thing he wants or needs is the aura of fail anywhere near him. Maybe that's why he told Simpson to step when she asked for golfing lessons.
Simpson is apparently taking up the game to get closer to her man. Woods gave her the excuse of having to take care of his new baby. He was later seen hitting his left leg with a 7 iron and repeating that it wasn't worth it. Rumor has it she's now looking to have Happy Gilmore learn her a couple things about the golf but she's having trouble finding him.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Most men prefer the natural method of drinking copious amounts of alcohol to prevent their boys from swimming. How often has the statement "I'd have to drink enough to down a wildebeest and then some before I do that" been heard before a poor decision is made later in the evening? These men also know that an excuse to get out of work or a pressing engagement to watch sports is just that. It's an excuse and nothing more. It's not supposed to be taken literally. Someone might want to send a newsletter out because some men are taking their March Madness excuses a bit too far.
A large group of men use the NCAA tournament as an excuse to get out of work. No problem. We've all been there. However some are also using the tournament as a foil for their vasectomies.
"I'm booked up," said Dr. J. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic's Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute. "My schedule on that part of the month filled up very quickly. It filled up ahead of time."Perfect sense? My idea of enjoying the NCAA tournament involves macrobrews and fried food. It doesn't involve a frozen bag of peas on my balls. The Oregon Urology Institute is offering pizza and a bag of frozen peas as gifts for men that sign up for the snip during the tournament.
Scheduling the procedure to coincide with hoops hoopla makes perfect sense, says Jones, who has done more than 2,000 vasectomies.
Don't worry, boys. I'll stop you the old-fashioned way with a case of Busch Light or Natty Bo.
College football always feels a bit unloved during this time of the year. Everyone's paying attention to the hardwood and no one seems to remember the joy of football in the fall. Gridiron ambassadors JoPierre Davis and Adrian Clayborn want to remind you that the real action takes place outside.
Davis, a Hawaii cornerback, was slapped with a seven count indictment for sexually harassing a female Hawaii student after breaking in her room last September. Patron saint and best model in Iron City Najeh Davenport says there's only one reason to break into a lady's dorm room. That's to drop a deuce like a Predator drone. Davis followed the break-in by knocking the same girl out on a club dance floor in January "after she slapped him for touching her inappropriately on the dance floor". He also punched a club worker who tried to break it up.
Clayborn, an Iowa defensive end, was charged with a serious misdemeanor after punching a cabbie who honked at him in January. The incident might have looked a little something like this except the guy outside would have knocked out the guy in the car. Can't get enough of that video. Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz says he'll allow the law to take its course before he attempts to cover up the incident and pretend it never happened. As Bobby Bowden says, "Boys will be boys! Ain't that right, Warrick?"
We introduced you to the strange world of Manny Pacquiao earlier this month in a post which detailed his obsession with Queen Elizabeth and his singing career which includes singing backup for the Black Eyed Peas. Don't get us started on his odd yet seemingly effective training habits. He's quickly becoming a favorite of the Deuce and Mexican boxing fans who figure they better join him if they can't beat him.
The Daily Star adds to the legend of the Mexicutioner by uncovering his inspiration for becoming a boxer. Pacquiao was born a poor, black boy in the Philippines but he didn't start boxing to feed himself or his family....well, directly. He ran away from home after seeing his father eat his dog.
Trainer Freddy Roach described the experience as being too much for the future world champion.
“That’s why Manny ran away from home and became a boxer. He saw his dad eat his dog.One can see how "Get at me, dog" could be heard as "Get at me dog" especially if the listener is hungry like Manny's dad, Rosalio was when he went after his son's dog. Little did he know he created a killer who strikes more fear in the hearts of Mexicans than the combination of El Guapo and the chupacabra.
“The Philippines is a poor place, there’s no welfare, no health system and if you don’t have a job or money then ...
“Manny was 14. He was very upset and that’s why he ran away from home. He ran away to Manila and ended up in a boxing gym."
The Cutler to Washington rumors start ... now. Denials plus no extension for Jason Campbell means 7-9 next season. Maybe Jim Zorn can install a new offense before training camp while he's at it. Jason Campbell plays better when he's unsettled.
United went on to lose 4-1 to Liverpool. A fate well deserved. In case you were wondering, they lost 2-0 to Fulham this past Saturday and finished the game with nine men after Paul Scholes and Wayne Rooney were sent off. Karma is a cold unforgiving bitch. Let this be a lesson to the rest of the league.
** Don't worry. We'll get in a Long-EZ joke next time anything John Denver related comes up in a post.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavárez said on Sunday. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
Balester's Decent Outing Brings No Guarantees [Washington Post]
Monday, March 16, 2009
Step aside, Majestic Mapp. Move over, SirLancelot Brown. Ain't no room for Exree Hipp over here. Boubacar Aw! Allow us to introduce you to Alabama State's Chief Kickingstallionsims (if you aren't already aware of him). Even Miami Twohurricanes can't stop one Kickingstallionsims. Play in, playa. Play in.
Some scenarios law officers just can’t be trained for, such as finding a bag of marijuana produced from the rectal area of a female recently engaged in coitus with another female.There's nothing we can add that SFW to make this better.
Naked Female Found In Possession of "Skunk Weed" [Panama City News Herald]
Venezuelan fans better pipe down. Booing Magglio Ordonez could lead to nationalization of their property. If they're not careful, they could be forced to have berets permanently attached to their heads.
Venezuelans are not big fans of Magglio Ordonez due to his budding friendship with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. The Detroit Tigers slugger has been booed during every appearance with the Venezuelan national team at the World Baseball Classic. It's cool though. The #1 Chavista has his back.
"Everyone has the right to think about politics," [Venezuelan President Hugo] Chavez said after reading an article about the incident from The Associated Press. "This is shameful.It wasn't bad for Ordonez. He was cheered when he struck out and when he was replaced.
"Viva Magglio, and all our patriots!" Chavez added.
Ordonez has appeared in television ads in support of Chavez's attempt to remove presidential term limits. He also played a softball game with him. Chavez claimed it wasn't a political rally. It was more like Venezuela's version of Rock 'N' Jock.
Hopefully Maggs and Hugo's friendship will start a trend where governments and world leaders of questionable character strike up closer relationships with athletes. The world could use a little East German style right now. It would make international sporting competition fun again. How much better was it when the US had an enemy in the Soviet Union and the Eastern Bloc? How sweet was it when Rocky beat Ivan Drago? If "Hearts of Fire" didn't make you piss red, white and blue, you can take your freedom hating ass to Venezuela.
Friday, March 13, 2009
We'd say it's good to hear from Karl Malone but we'd much rather hear from Jimmy Kimmel as Karl Malone. Karl Malone say he gon' see his boy Hannity and talk him some politickin'. That went as well as you would imagine.
Malone showed up on Fox News to "talk" politics with Sean Hannity. Let's just say the conversation was about as high brow as you would expect. The Mailman threatened to slap congressmen and senators who accuse American troops of abuses while stationed overseas.
Malone's statement was a response to this quotation by Hannity: "But I think what happened with Bush Derangement Syndrome -- this is important -- is that they so went after the president. They accused our troops of being Nazis, compared them to the gulags, said they were terrorizing women and children in the dark, and accused them of murder without even any evidence." He continued, "These are congressmen and senators doing this."Tony Blankley responded with an "I'll hold your coat for you" as though he was a member of James Brown's backing band. "Can I get up and do my thing?" "Yeah!" Eleanor Clift jumped out and started yelling at Blankley. "Can I talk?? I want to finish what I'm saying!!"
Malone replied, "Well, first of all, the Congress and the senators need to be slapped around for saying it. These are our kids." He went on, "Look at me. Turn the cameras off, and I'll slap them. OK."
Karl Malone should take over for Alan Colmes. Serious political discussion like this shouldn't be an occasional event. The Mailman can threaten to beat any and everyone that Hannity hates on any given day. Maybe he and Chris Brown can travel around on a Hannity Slap Tour going after "Congress and the senators" who dare go against the Hannity party line. Brown will handle the women. What? Too soon?
It's not clear where Eastern Motors is going with this one. Perhaps they were inspired by Take That. Good thing the jello and fruit didn't come out. Dr. I Don't Know or Dollah Bill would be all about the foam party. Not so sure about Albert Haynesworth. Don't get him near cars or slippery surfaces. That's a head stompin'.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
We don't mean to light Andre Rison's ass on fire but Travis Henry should be glad that Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez isn't around. She'd have him in her "No Scrubs" sights after hearing his story about being broke cause he's got nine children by nine different baby mamas.
Talk about baby mama drama. Henry's child support issues are overtaking his indictment on cocaine trafficking charges. Mike Tierney of the The New York Times refers to Henry's baby-making skills as "prolific" and indeed they are.
Attending the annual N.F.L. rookie symposium as a 2001 draft pick of the Buffalo Bills, Henry watched a skit that dramatized the repercussions of imprudent sexual activity. It might as well have been geared toward him.Henry blames his lack of a father figure as well as the gold digger tendencies of the mothers for his situation. He insists that he loves his children but can't afford to take care of them due to his current situation. He's looking at 10 to life for the drug case and claims he can't keep up with the child support payments. Unfortunately for him, the law doesn't agree. Even Shawn Kemp is breathing a sigh of relief that he's not in Henry's situation.
Henry laughed through the sketch. “I thought, ‘That ain’t ever going to happen to me,’ ” he said.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
This guy is great, he has the camera right on him for a few seconds, he's cheering, but in the middle of it, he decides its time to step it up a little and do the ole V to the mouth with the tongue thing, does it, but can't hold it for more than a few seconds because he cracks himself up while doing it. Ya gotta hold that pose son! You don't get those opportunities often to make a jack-ass out of yourself on regional television!
Via Tipster DM (keep those tips coming peoples!)
This is what collecting cards has become...a video game and a dated one at that. Wouldn't it be cooler if it were some full motion video of the player or something besides this 3-D image that looks like it was ripped from the MLB 2k4 on the PS2? The card collecting industry is struggling so much that the only way they can conceive of trying to attain some portion of the valuable fleeting attention spans of 7-15 year old kids that is being concentrated mostly in video games is to turn the cards themselves into them.
Check the video out of it in action below, it is neat looking, but what on earth does this add besides simple novelty of seeing that player pop up on the screen and having him hop around? You cant play a baseball game with one player and who wants to sit in front of a computer when looking at your cards? Didn't you just lay on the floor and spread them all out or stick em in binders when you were a kid?
Via NY Times
The team plane taking the players to Detroit on Sunday seemed to encounter a bit of turbulence, like about 40 minutes of turbulence, the Orlando Sentinel notes. It was so rough, the flight crew told the team to use the shoulder harnesses if their seats had them...if not, oh well. Here's some quotes from the team:
Coach Stan Van Gundy said several players vomited and he quipped, "I was about one bump away."
PG Tyronn Lue said, "It was unbelievable. Man, I was like, ‘I’m going to be like John Madden and take the bus."’
"That was the worst flight I’ve ever been on," veteran PG Rafer Alston said. "Forty straight minutes of turbulence."
As if these guys don't have it rough enough, shuttling across the country for a rough stretch of games, but they had to deal with that. That kind of flight would knock anyone off their game, even Dwight Howard who, despite tallying 27 points, did the unforgivable and allowed Kwame Brown to drop 10 points on his ass. His shame is real.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
It's not too long ago that Manny Pacquiao was beating Oscar de la Hoya like he owned him. Most think he beat Goldie down for the money but there might have been something else behind it. There's more to Pacquiao than meets the eye and the two are more similar than one might think.
Pacquiao, who is immensely popular back in The Philippines, is a bit of a showman and a potential future president**. He named his daughter Queen Elizabeth and attempted to seek her approval in person when in England promoting his May 2 fight against Ricky Hatton.
In addition to giving his kid a stupid name, Pacquiao has a one-man 70s style variety show as well as a music career that would make de la Hoya jealous. You might remember Goldie's attempt at a music career. Here's a reminder in English and Spanish in case you didn't know or tried to forget. Manny is not impressed.
Let's hope that pictures of Pacquiao in fishnets turn up on the internets soon so he can complete his Single White Female eclipse of de la Hoya. Maybe he'll even take the wife and Golden Boy Productions like when James Woods stole Peter Griffin's life.
** Freddie Roach could also be president of the Philippines. He polls a close second in popularity behind Pacquiao.
We're slowly becoming familiar with Twitter over here at the Deuce and thanks to With Leather, CSTB and others, we've started picking up on some solid Twittering from folks such as Nick Nolte and David Stern. We just learned about Gary Payton's Twitter feed and its brilliance has us speechless. Straight cash homey.
Photo: Seatown Sports
American professional athletes are well known for their extravagance. Mike Tyson had his tiger and Gilbert Arenas has his bull sharks and a million dollar pool. European soccer players aren't about to be left behind. They have the ends but unfortunately they're lacking the vision. However ring-delivering owls could be a good start.
It's tough to decide whether to clown Wes Brown or Rio Ferdinand. It depends on which unreliable British tabloid you choose to believe. The Sun and The Mirror respectively claim that the soon-to-be married players will have owls deliver rings to the altar Harry Potter-style during their wedding ceremonies.
Both papers claim that the owl will deliver the rings in a pouch and perch on the best man's arm. Ferdinand's owl has performed the stunt six times. There's no word on Brown's owl. Hopefully Ronaldo is his best man and the owl attacks him during the ceremony. The picture above shows the reaction of both players if something goes wrong and the owl loses it like a Connecticut chimp.
Far be it for us to leave without reminding you about another trend of athletes giving their children stupid names for stupid reasons. In case you forgot, Ferdinand has two sons named Lorenz and Tate.
Wedding Wings For Ace Wes [The Sun]
Owl Will Deliver Wedding Ring At Rio Ferdinand's Wedding [The Mirror]
Dale DeGray has no time for this one on one business. He'll take all y'all at once. Check this video from 1998 which shows him taking on a whole team at once.
Where's the sound? Shouldn't there be some period-specific music on there like Everybody (Backsteet's Back) or I Want You Back? Oh my god, we're back again! Am I sexual?? There should be a DeGray tribute on Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply from the same year. If you check, don't bother telling us whether it's true or not. We don't care.
It's easy to expect the world when you're a tennis and closet fucking champion. Everyone's on your jock and wants your time and money. What woman wouldn't want to make it forever with the former winner of three Grand Slam events? Meet Dutch model Lilly Kerssenberg.
Becker got a shock on German national television when Kerssenberg told him he couldn't haz marriages. The couple broke up in 2007 and Becker proposed to another woman in 2008. He had a change of heart and decided that he wanted Kerssenberg back. According to Champions365.com, Becker didn't ask for her hand. He told the viewers that he planned to marry Kerssenberg in June.
Some 9.7 million viewers in Germany watched the unexpected announcement on the show "You Bet ..?" in which both Becker, 41, and Kerssenberg, 32, were guests. Kerssenberg who was obviously moved by the gesture, then went on to say 'no' to a shocked Becker.It shouldn't be too long before Becker blames his engagement fail on the Russian mafia.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Well thanks to the power of the YouTubes, we're able to bring you a blind Ugandan boxing match. We're not going to lie. It's hilarious.
At least Ramathan was on target. Then again he probably manipulated the reporter like Mao worked Edgar Snow. These clowns just ruined any goodwill Ramathan may have received from the AFP story. It is funny because it's true.
The Krypto-Nate takeover is over before it started. The NBA planned to release a t-shirt commenorating Lil' Nate Slam Dunk Contest winning dunk. However DC Comics has put the smackdown on the NBA's plans to sell Krypto-Nate gear due to intellectual property issues.
The association claims that it still has plans to innundate us with shirts, shoes, balls and other overpriced Krypto-Nate crap in conjunction with DC Comics as soon as the IP issues are worked out.
"The NBA decided not to release the Krypto-Nate T-shirt because of future initiatives we are working on with Warner/DC Comics," an NBA source told The Post.Yeah I'll be rushing out to buy this abortion of a T-shirt. It's somewhat appropriate that the first attempt failed. If the Slam Dunk contest is any barometer, it'll take about 12 times before the NBA finally gets it right and the results will be underwhelming. Regardless, Rudy Fernandez is not impressed.
The NBA instead released a generic Robinson T-shirt containing only Robinson's name and status as the 2006 and 2009 Slam-Dunk champion.
The NBA can keep its canned music and noisemakers. We'll take this near soccer riot atmosphere any day. This is probably a bit much though.
Our guess is that they're comparing notes on sexual harassment. Someone have the number for Sexual Harassment Panda?
Photo: Los Angeles Times/AP