Friday, February 27, 2009
We're going to guess this is why the Celtics are getting Stephon Marbury. The sight of Starbury barking like a dog is enough to throw anyone's concentration.
It doesn't look like Tom Brady has anything to worry about from Wes Welker. Monkey-free Page Six reports that Welkah spent time with Gisele Bundchen in her Rio hotel suite while Dreamboat was rehabbing here in the US. He apparently tried to samba with her but failed miserably. How great would it have been if Ryan Clark came flying out of a closet and wrecked him Terry Tate-style when he tried to dance with Tom's date?
Those pants. Why don't I have a pair of those? You know Carl Winslow would love to Boss Sauce in those pants. This video screams for a couple of Congolese backup dancers and Grace Jones. Like the Jason Kidd video posted earlier this week, Jerkoff's video is bad but it still doesn't beat Andy Cole's Outstanding. This song and video were released in 2006. Could this have been the reason why he went AWOL? If so, the team should sue him immediately.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"I hope I die on the field," he says. "I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that's it. I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn't feel bad because that's what I've always wanted to do. You die on the field — good luck, get him out of here, next man."
Sure its a romantic (and morbid) thought that Ozzie has there, ya know, to die doing what you love to do, but I'm also sure there's plenty of Tigers and Indians fans that would love to make that a reality for Ozzie. He's not the most liked manager outside of the south side. Some north siders might even be salivating at the thought of him dropping dead at the pitcher's mound.
Not that Ozzie would ever watch his words, but he might want to rethink his exit strategy on this world.
From Chicago Tribune
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
You know how Goldenballs "keep[s] being strong and running on the football field"? It's the same secret weapon he uses to satisfy Victoria and whatever nanny happens to be around at the time.
Deebo couldn't take the Cube out as much as he tried. That muthafuckin snake though... Too bad Omar Vizquel wasn't on that boat with J-Lo and the rest of the crew. He might have been able to save them from the anaconda if Jon Voight didn't take him out first.
Vizquel went to Venezuela where he used his time to catch anacondas with his bare hands.
"This thing is 11 or 12 feet long," Vizquel said. "You've got to find the tail and pull it out of the water and bring it to safe territory. It is dangerous in and out of the water, but you have to maneuver yourself to stay behind it. Once you're behind it, you grab it by the back of the neck.No it's not. You know how this starts? In the words of the late Big Pun, "Snake bite, marijuana, anaconda!" It starts with a couple drinks and some tweed. The next thing you know, you're digging for anacondas. You know what's fun? The Austin Carr drinking game. Hanging with Steve Urkel and speeding down the road to an amazing blow job in a car filled with wine coolers and bear claws. That's fun. Risking death by playing that Flash Gordon game of sticking your hands into the unknown and hoping you don't end up being bitten and/or slowly digested by a large snake. Not fun.
"It's a fun thing."
Cavs analyst Austin Carr has inspired a new drinking game among Cavs fans based on various catchphrases he uses during games. Participants drink every time he drops a catchphrase. It's as simple as that.
So James isn't LeBron, he's the "L- train!"Fans of other teams can easily adapt this to their favorite announcer or analyst. Wizards fans could drink everytime Steve Buckhantz drops "Dagger!" although this season, they could end up as sober as they started. Nets fans can drink every time Marv drops a "Yes!". You get the picture.
For a slam dunk, (fill in Cavs player here) "throws the hammer down!"
When an opponent's shot is swat ted away, viewers can count on Carr's enthusiastic, "Get that weak stuff outta here!"
Instead of being offended by the game, Carr is honored to have a drinking game in his honor.
"...My kids told me about reading it on the Internet," Carr said. "I consider it an honor that people think it's worthy of being noticed, that they feel it's worthy of having fun with."Vin Baker and Charles Barkley can't wait to get in on the fun.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Michael Phelps might want to take a trip to the free clinic after reading this. All you Beirut players may want to think about rocking dental dams the next time you get up on that table. This just in from the CDC. "Unprotected beer pong play is nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex."
Beer pong aficionados can pick up random diseases such as the flu, mono and a lil' thang called herpes. Our intrepid Daily Collegian reporter says chances are fairly slim that the diseases will be caught but "it is not impossble". Sounds like she has a different opinion than the experts at the CDC. I'm going with the college reporter. I like her odds better.
Photo: Boosh Magazine
"I just bought 4 or 5 brand new black cars and only because I felt like the haters thought I was doing bad or something. Now it looks like a funeral when I pull up. They just saw me being humble, I’m a real humble dude. You know I live by my needs, I don’t really live outside of my needs."Times are ill, playboy.
Kahn was pissed that Khalid "Cannibal" Boulahrouz (Chelsea reject) didn't listen to him during a UEFA Cup match against St. Petersburg. Instead of simply yelling at him like a normal keeper, he grabbed his headband and threw it behind the goal. That'll learn him.
Maybe Lehmann realized he should toss the gear of opposing players. He didn't have long to wait for his second chance. On Saturday, Hoffenheim's Sejad Salihovic lost his shoe during play against Stuttgart. Lehmann picked it up and instead of giving it back to Salihovic, he threw it behind him and it landed on top of the goal.
Of course, Lehmann showed remorse after the Hoffenheim incident.
"I can only say for myself that in 20 years I never seriously injured a player and that I again have to deal with cheap comments by people who think they can make the headlines by using my name," the 39-year-old Lehmann told Monday's Bild newspaper.Stay classy, douchebag.
We have to apologize for the background music on both videos. These were the only videos we could find. I think I'd almost prefer "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" or "Afternoon Delight".
On second thought, Kobe's still the worst that comes to mind but J-Kidd's not much better. B-Ball's Best Kept Secret has tunes that will never die. Songs such as Funk in the Trunk by J.R. Rider, Lost in the Sauce by the late Malik Sealy and Livin' Legal and Large by The Glove.
What's that? You want to borrow my copy? No, my brother. You got to get your own.
Leave it to the Indians to find new ways to abandon a sporting event. Monkeys riding elephants and chasing tigers onto the pitch, a Muslim-Hindu battle royale or simply landing a helicopter in the middle of a cricket match.
A helicopter sent players and officials running for cover after it landed in the middle of a cricket game. The piloit mistook a painted "H" in the corner of the field for a target. He also thought a nearby fire were smoke signals intended for him.
The game was continued after 30 minutes which gave the home team time to cork their cricket bats, take a tea break or do whatever it is you do during breaks.
This is tangentially sports-related but it doesn't matter. Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech from the Independent Spirit Awards was phenomenal. Here's video courtesy of FilmDrunk. Some NSFW language.
If people gave speeches like this more often, I'd pay attention to these Hollywood circle jerks. Fortunately they don't which means I can dedicate my time to raising fighting koalas and watching movies like Milk, the story about gay cows and their fight for suffrage or something like that. I don't know how Sean Penn played a cow so well but that's method acting for you.
Monday, February 23, 2009
All this video needs is the sad saxophone playing while the guy lies face down on the pavement. "Saxamaphone". Maybe the tv show could use the loser music from the Price is Right. That makes every tragic situation hilarious.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
“The doctors had me on baby aspirin, anti-inflammatories, blood thinners, and, well … Viagra,” Bocock said, sheepishly.
“It was a low dose – just 25 milligrams – but I had to take it every day,” Bocock said.
“I can’t imagine what 100 milligrams does to you.”
Since Viagra increases blood flow, it helped out the condition in his hand...and elsewhere apparently. I wonder if Rafael Palmeiro would decline that he used the drug while playing like he did the 'roids unlike Mr. Bocock here. Kudos to admitting that you used the stiffy picker upper. Bocock's got a bright future ahead of himself in baseball, or, with a name like that, in the pornography industry. So long as Bocock's Bocock isn't as small as his batting average.
From Mercury News Blogs
Photo from AP Photo by Jeff Chiu
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The reporter doesn't hesitate to get involved in the hate fest either. The racism gauntlet has been thrown, Spain. Can't wait to see how they respond.
You have to feel bad for caribous with cataracts. They can't smoke weed to counter act the effects of the condition. Have you ever tried to roll a blunt with hooves? Caribous against cataracts sounds like a great charity event but throw hockey into the mix and there's bound to be some trouble.
The RCMP are investigating a senior hockey league fight in Canada between the Grand Falls-Windsor Cataracts and the Clarenville Caribous. The fight started at the end of the game and witnesses reported that several Cataracts players threw their sticks into the crowd.
It's not clear what the police and league expected from players with cataracts. Boom.
CBC Sports via Puck Daddy
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
He's probably glad he's not Roberto Alomar today. It's one thing to be accused of giving your ex a generic STD. He could claim that people in the Valtrex ads looks happy so it's not all bad. It's another thing when she accuses you of trying to give her AIDS.
Alomar's ex, Ilya Dall, is suing him for $15 million and accusing him of having sex with her while he had AIDS. She's claiming that he "had reason" to believe he might have the disease due to symptoms that later turned out to be HIV which turned into full blown AIDS.
He procrastinated and told her he was disease free, the suit says. In 2004, she said, she noticed he had cold sores. The following year he was diagnosed with a blood disorder that's linked to AIDS, the suit says.The suit goes on to claim that he was tested in 2006 when the disease was confirmed. These are some other level accusations. It remains to be seen whether Alomar goes the payoff route or fights the accusations in court. We would advise against the Chris Brown nuclear solution but what do we know?
Also in 2005, Alomar told Dall that when he once was raped by two Mexican men after playing a Ballgame in New Mexico, according to the suit.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
What is more American than that? Maybe they could involve beer and a bevy of smoked/cured pork products to make it go all the way. Sadly, that is all the information that we at the Deuce have found about this league and we hope to have some more info soon, but in the meantime, you can go to their website and watch some fantastic promos for their league such as this:
I can't wait til more info comes out.
Monday, February 9, 2009
It seems like it was only yesterday that Michael Westbrook was making teammate Stephen Davis' face into mashed potatoes. No clue whether he stuck his dick in them when he finished. Redskins owner Dan Snyder should consider signing Terdell Sands of the Oakland Raiders if he wants that same fight in his defense. He might want to get a recommendation from punter Shane Lechler.
Sands punched Lechler in the face during an argument on a team flight on November 23rd. No action was taken against Sands and the incident only seems to have come to light in the past couple days even though sources inside and outside of the organization confirmed the story. The San Francisco Examiner notes that the incident combined with the Raiders' all-around suck make it unlikely that Lechler will sign a new deal with the team.
Tom Cable seems to have a handle on things in Raider Nation. The commitment to mediocrity will continue as scheduled.
A bit hypocritical for the Aussies to resort to stereotypes of Irish tempers in the news report, don't you think? Maybe O'hAilpin was pissed off because he was named after a television network. Wait until ESPN Montana Real gets older.
“The Interest in the uniqueness and excitement that surrounds this project, along with recent developments lead me to believe that 2009 is the year that “Pool, Poker and Pain” will Shine!”
Well...I guess putting them all together is unique. I guess? I mean, having a reality show about Ice Dancing, Football and Competitive Eating is pretty unique as well. I dunno, I am either missing the joke or I am the only one getting it, I'm not sure. I saw the video below and thought it was a pretty funny mockumentary, sort of like Spinal Tap or A Mighty Wind or something. Watch the video and see for yourself.
From Inside Pool Magazine and Pool, Poker Pain
“I don’t have to because I am a football player with the Indianapolis Colts.”
That is brilliant, its a wonder the cop didn't arrest him for being a gigantic douche-bag...or maybe he did. In a battle of the douche-bags, cops vs. football players...cops win all the time.
From Yahoo Sports
(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Chimp doesn't think Mike Florio's latest find is on the same level as Stop Snitchin' but I disagree. It's hard to beat one liners like "The human torch, n***a! Flame on!" and "Step your smoke game up, bitch!" What will definitely be hard to beat is the smackdown that will probably come when the Raiders find out about running back Justin Fargas' appearance in a video with copious amounts of ganja and uncouth language.
PFT reports on a video made by one Yukmouth who tries to bring the best out of tweed smokers by showing some tough love and encouraging them to step their smoke game up. Fargas makes a guest appearance although he doesn't smoke. He does mumble some unintelligble garbage that would disappoint Papa Huggy Bear and Dolomite.
Here's the video for your viewing pleasure. Be warned that there's offensive language all the way through. Definitely NSFW or a convent due to language.
Mushmouth and Martellus Bennett feel you, sport. Fargas probably has nothing to worry about. He plays for the Raiders. Al Davis can't remember what he had for breakfast this morning.
While you're at it, throw in a platinum football field, platinum grilles and some platinum eyebrows. It's time to take a look at MLB incentive clauses and see what players ask for beyond the money.
The Boston Herald pointed our attention to an absurdly time wasting site called Cot's Baseball Contracts. The site (mlbcontracts.blogspot.com) "tracks Major League baseball contracts, signing bonuses, service time and franchise values". The Herald has gone through the trouble of picking out select players and noting what perks they've requested and received. Here are just a few examples:
A.J. BURNETT — The Blue Jays provided eight round-trip limousine trips per season for Burnett’s wife between Toronto and their home in Maryland (2006-08).We might have made the last two up but that's neither here nor there. The possibilities are endless. Players are wasting time with typical requests. It's time they start getting creative to see how much teams want their services. "Fine, I'll sign but first I want an endangered turducken made by a chimp wearing a tuxedo and monocle and I wanted it delivered by the guy who played Higgins in an Island Hoppers chopper, Airwolf or Blue Thunder. I can wait."
MARK McGWIRE — Attendance bonus of $1 per fan for each Busch Stadium fan beyond 2.8 million (1998-2001); $2 per fan beyond 2.8 million (2003-03).
GEORGE BRETT — In a negotiated extension, agreed to give the Royals the bat from the July 24, 1983 “Pine Tar” game (1984).
ROY OSWALT — Awarded a bulldozer from the Astros for winning Game 6 of the 2005 National League Championship Series.
ALEX RODRIGUEZ — Tales from the Crypt lingerie for Madonna, Savage Garden's Greatest Hits, baseball glove with mirrored pocket, final say on batboy hiring, Tiger Beat subscription, entire collection of Dawson's Creek DVDs, Lisa Lisa's All Cried Out to be played in clubhouse while he showers.
ELIJAH DUKES — Foster Care For Dummies book, a Deuce of Davenport original "You Dead Dawg" t-shirt, T-Mobile Fav 5 plan for calling his wife and teenage baby mama, Gatorade and slingshot for propelling said Gatorade.
If there's one thing you want to avoid in hockey besides being slashed with a skate, it's being the object of Don Cherry's ire. The long time CBC analyst holds nothing back and will wreck a man like no one's business. Who's the poor sucker to get caught in Cherry's crosshairs this time? The Minnesota Wild's Cal Clutterbuck or as Cherry likes to call him, Buttercup.
Buttercup has offended Cherry's sensibilities by fighting while wearing a visor last Friday. Clutterbuck got into a scrap with the Maple Leaf's Ian White and didn't bother to take off his helmet once things popped off.
The official rule is that anyone who wears a visor while fighting will be penalized but the Pioneer Press notes that the rule seems to have gone by the wayside as more and more "instigators" leave them on.
Cherry, a vocal proponent of old-school grit and protocol, hates it and ripped Clutterbuck for his fight last week with Toronto's Ian White, which started with both players wearing helmets.You can't blame a player for leaving his helmet on if the other player doesn't take his off as well. There is something to be said for leaving your helmet on when the other player removes his. There is no honor in winning that fight as Clutterbuck discovered. Don Cherry: Checking people's honor at the door.
The CBC analyst and former coach also referenced an earlier fight with Phoenix's Keith Yandle, which also drew the ire of Coyotes coach Wayne Gretzky. In that fight, Clutterbuck unsnapped his helmet as if to take it off, but when Yandle made no similar move, it stayed on.
Golden Balls doesn't think you're like the rest, Milan. He wants to make this real. Why do you think he's giving you that Blue Steel come hither look? Don't look now but David Beckham's people are in talks to keep him in Italy past the end of his loan deal. He's on fire creating and scoring goals for AC Milan. England manager Fabio Capello has said that staying in Milan will only help his chances for the 2010 World Cup. It looks like he has a new lease on life. Why is he enjoying his time in Milan so much? It could be more than the football.
The BBC's Chris Charles and The Sun point out a new ritual that's a hit with Beckham and his AC Milan teammates. Bum smacking. They don't cruise the town slapping unaware homeless people like mailboxes. They smack Beckham's ass.
Smacking Beckham's ass brings him luck. It works so well that he's given the team official permission to keep smacking that ass like it don't quit.
Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo were seen playfully smacking his backside after he scored against Bologna.Wait until Posh hears about this. That mystery Serie C player who gives it up to all the Serie A boys in the yard must be licking his chops for a chance at that ass. Get in line, playboy.
And Kaka did the same as Becks notched his second goal in a 1-1 draw against Genoa last night.
Becks said: We laughed and shared a joke about it among the squad.
I hadn’t even realised Clarence had touched my backside but I’ll be happy if he does it again — because it will mean I’ve scored another goal.
So he’s formally got my permission to touch it again.
Review of the Week [BBC Sport]
Becks: I Love Bum Smacks [The Sun]
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Yup...that's about as low as you can get. I'm not sure how this league can be a jumping off point to getting back into the NFL, but I guess it is better than the alternative. I just hope the Extreme built in some explicit clauses in his contract telling him that he actually has to show up to the team since he's had some trouble doing that in the past. In 2007 he signed with the Las Vegas Gladiators of the Arena Football League, but never showed up. In May of 2008 he was signed by the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football League...he was released from the team on June 3rd.
The IFL is pretty psyched to have an ex NFL'er of such great expectations with nothing delivered in their league however
“He’s huge, not just for our organization, but for our league,”[Extreme coach Kenton] Carr said. “It’s an indication of where this league is going.”
“For us and the level that we’ve played at the last couple of years, it’s tremendous marketing-wise,” Extreme general manager Bart Rogers said. “He’s, for sure, a big-time player who we can market around.”
I'm not sure how huge it is to get a wide receiver that couldn't hang on with the Bengals when even Chris Henry and all his baggage can get resigned with them or get signed by the Seahawks after their entire receiving corps was in the hospital...even the backups...or couldn't even be bothered to show up to the AFL and CFL teams he signed with. Yea, huge.
I think Warrick said it best with this
"Warrick was unavailable for comment Monday."
Smart move Peter...just blend in.From Pantagraph.com
Flashbacks work so well on TV shows when they can't think of new material, so why can't it work here? Let me start it off.
Lets go back to 1994 when Michael Jordan signed a minor league contract with the Chicago White Sox after retiring from basketball because he was tired of dominating the game...or as he called it "loss of desire". This started a new phase for Michael...one which involved a great amount of sucking. Playing for the Birmingham Barons, a Sox farm team, he achieved the highly mediocre career average of .202 with 3 home runs, 51 RBIs, and 11 errors. The only thing he was good at was stealing bases, he grabbed 30 bags in his time in the minors.
In March of the next year, Jordan was back in the NBA but wearing his Barons number 45 instead of his traditional #23 apparently that caused him to lose some of his super powers because he wasn't quite the same player he was when he left. That is until the next year when changed his number back and went and won a championship...then 2 others the next two years. All was right again in Chi-town and the people were happy to forgive his one year diversion away from the NBA...but they will never forget.
So lets flashback and watch some Youtubes of this weird story in the history of one of the NBA's greatest players...and one of MLB's worst.
Here's a clip of Jordan being interviewed by Tom Brokaw about the entire baseball thing, its a good 7 minutes, but well worth your time as a flashback to the days when Jordan realized he was a mortal man.
And here is a baby faced Reese Davis breaking down the "Jordan Cruiser", the bus which Jordan bought for the Birmingham Barons when he was with them in the minors. Pretty swank for those guys, but its no Madden Trailer. Check out the youthful coach Terry Francona there too wow.
Finally...here is the return of the king to his court.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Capello does a much better job of maintaining his composure than JCVD. It's cool though. Van Damme probably did a couple lines off that dancer's ass after setting fashion back 25 years with the outfit his mom picked out for him.