Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dennis Wise And Lawrie Sanchez Would Like A Word With Vinnie Jones

Former Wimbledon star and actor Vinnie Jones gets his ass handed to him in a bar fight and now this from Top of the Pops.

A couple questions. How can any debtor take Big Chris/Bullet Tooth (language NSFW) seriously after watching this? How far have you fallen as a backup singer when you're backing up Vinnie Jones? It could be worse. He could be Ricky Hatton. Please don't punch me, Vinnie. I heart the house slippers.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Enter The Fart Box

Dockett keeps the Fart Box in shape with regular workouts, protein shakes and fiber.

If you didn't have enough reasons to pull for the Cardinals this Sunday, here's one more. Defensive tackle Darnell Dockett's nickname is Fart Box.
"He takes these protein shakes where he's trying to keep himself healthy, but when it comes out we all suffer," [nose tackle Bryan] Robinson said. "It's nasty."
There's so much going on in that quote and it's way too early. We'd hate to be around Fart Box when he's not trying to keep himself healthy. He's probably as deadly as Lake Nyos. Let's hope Heath Miller gets some of that on Sunday.

Source: East Valley Tribune via PFT

Change I Can Poop On

I can't believe it. Hope and change have gone out the window. Forget everything we said about enjoying the moment. I'm as speechless as John Boehner when he runs out of tobacco lobbyist money on the House floor. (Dickipedia) President Obama is supporting the Steelers in the Super Bowl.

Aw hell naw is right. In the words of the president himself, "It's an outrage!" Supporting the Steelers doesn't not inspire hope and change. Doesn't Obama know that the Cardinals have Jesus on their side because Kurt Warner says so? If you say that I'm not pleased about this because I hate the Steelers, you would be correct. I am a non-purple camo pants wearing Ravens fan. However I despise them more because they played with our patron saint Najeh Trenadious Monté Davenport's emotions by constantly cutting and resigning him. That's some cold shit right there. Dookie should be tearing it up Ybor City with Chris Berman this week. I don't know what it's like to root for the Cardinals. No one does except Will Leitch and Neil Lomax's mom. Maybe David Boston. However I'm going to see how it goes on Sunday.

Here's hoping Hines Ward or Willie Parker get caught with a mercenary hooker from Reno a day before the game. If the Cardinals win, they should present a jersey to Vice-President Biden unless Obama makes him back the Steelers too. Wait he's from Scranton. There's always Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. DHS probably has a broom closet or handicapped bathroom stall they could use for the ceremony.

Stupid Ravens. Only if they still had Stoney Case or Elvis Grbac.
How bad do you have to be if Al Davis doesn't want your services? Maybe that means you're good. Maybe it's bad meaning good like Run DMC. That probably isn't the case when it comes to Jim Fassel. Maybe he shouldn't have used macaroni, construction paper and magic marker to write his letter to Davis.

Village Idiot Stephen Ireland Strikes Again

You might remember Manchester City and former Ireland international Stephen Ireland from such episodes as lying about both of his grandmothers dying to get out of international duty. You can now add douchebag to liar and quitter.

Ireland has a thing for the pink but it's not what you think. He loves him some pink trim on his ... cars. Check out his old ride which he just traded in for something a little better.

If you're one of those people who has to know what your favorite or most hated footballer drives, you can find out here. It's surprising that Cashley Cole doesn't drive a Gremlin because it reminds him of the movie which was super cool.

We're Five Steps Away From Ted Washington And Sam Adams Working The Pole

You might remember last year's SoBe ad with Naomi Campbell. Think of her what you will. Just don't tell her or you'll get a phone upside the head. SoBe is back this weekend with another Super Bowl ad with dancing lizards. If you're hoping for another dancing supermodel, you'll be disappointed unless your idea of a supermodel is Ray Lewis. That's right. Ray Ray is shaking that ass in tights with Matt Light and Justin Tuck this year. Enjoy.

We must protect this house! You'll have to wait until Sunday for the 3D version. Hopefully you still have your 3D glasses from Jaws 3-D or Insane Clown Posse's Hell's Pit.
Car stealing goat captured in Nigeria. Police say interrogations are going stewingly. Bam! I'm sorry.

'Tis No Man. 'Tis A Remorseless Eating Machine

What the hell happened to Tony Gwynn? Someone's definitely eating good in the neighborhood during his retirement. As a matter of fact, there's a good chance he ate Roberto Alomar. Just call him Tonberto Gwalomarnn, the Human Turducken. Seriously though, Tony needs to slow his roll. He's relatively young but eating himself into Bolivian is no way to live out a long retirement. Leave that to Cecil Fielder. Family, friends and fans actually want Tony around for a while.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Shaun White Might Want To See A New Stylist

Read the top line then look down...yea I can see people being confused if they didn't actually know that was Shaun White. Dude is lookin like a lady...and not in a good way. Someone better hit up the Hair Cuttery or Supercuts I think.

Found Via Twitter

Friday, January 23, 2009

Luchadores > Wrestlers

Watch this craziness from Mascarita Dorada and you will agree.

Thumb Tack Cal Ripken

I wonder if it's made out of 2131 or 2632 push pins? The guy that did this has incredible patience...and really strong fingers by now.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

When teabagging goes wrong.

There's Too Much MSG In My Stereotype

The Knicks can't seem to get it right. Every correct decision is followed by two stupid ones. Whether encouraging a culture of sexual harassment under Isiah or unsubstantiated allegations of racism against useless players, the team can't seem to avoid embarassing situations. Add ethnic stereotyping to the mix.

Rookie Danilo Gallinari is not happy with the Knicks for, how do we say, resorting to ethnic stereotypes when he's on the floor.
After each of his four baskets, the Knicks' long-time public address announcer Mike Walczewski, using a thick Italian accent, said "Daneeelo Gal-lin-ar-ay" and then the Italian songs "Volare" or "That's Amore" were played.
Gallinari was not amused. Even head coach Mike D'Antoni gave the scorer's table a WTF look when the music was played. Italian journalists were not pleased either. They're definitely not going to like it when the team has its employees act out scenes from the Godfather and Super Mario Kart.

Money Mayweather? Not So Much

You know the times are bad when the economic downturn starts making people to change their names. Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to consider downgrading his nickname from Money to Change. It was only several months ago that he was making it rain in the club with $30,000. Now we find out that he's having huge money problems.

Boxing Scene reports that Mayweather owes the IRS $6.1 million in back taxes from 2007 and the agency has placed a lien against him for that amount. If he doesn't pay them in a timely fashion, the amount could increase by $500,000 a year.

Mayweather has been taking it from all sides since he made it rain in July. The last half of 2008 financially beat the former champion like his name was Javon Walker.
August: Las Vegas home was robbed of $7.1 million in jewelry
September: Sued by real estate developer for backing out of deal to buy a house
October: Economic crash drops real estate value by more than 30%
Oscar de la Hoya and Floyd Mayweather Sr. have alluded to Floyd Jr.'s profligate spending habits and money issues. It's rumored that he gambles absurd amounts on sports in addition to having over 20 luxury cars. At this rate, he'll be forced to get back into the ring to pay off his debts. Hopefully he doesn't let himself go like Mike Tyson before that happens. The idea of Mayweather-Pacquiao matchup sounds pretty good right now.

Dominus Ominus, The Cubs Still Suck

There's not much you can do when God hates your team. Cubs fans can sacrifice goats and chug enough Old Style to down a wildebeest but nothing is going to wash the stink off the team besides a World Series appearance. The team is so desperate for an end to the World Series curse that they've resorted to finding random holy men to bless the team.

The Cubs brought in a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the Wrigley Field home dugout before Game 1 of last year's Divisional Series. It didn't go so well and now the team is throwing the priest under the Popemobile (or whatever the Greek Orthodox equivalent is).
Rev. James L. Greanias, the Greek Orthodox priest brought in to Wrigley Field to remove a curse before Game 1 of last year's playoffs, has accused Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney of throwing him "under the bus" at last weekend's Cubs Convention.

When a fan asked about the ritual, Kenney took the blame, calling it "one of the dumbest things" he had done. Kenney said Greanias had initially approached him.

"An e-mail comes in, and this was a huge Cubs fan who wants to get tickets to the game and has a cell phone with a Cubs ring tone on it, and I said, 'Let him go,' " Kenney said.
Greanias disputes Kenney's account. He says the Cubs called him because they wanted a Greek Orthodox priest. The man who put the curse on the team in 1945, William Sianis, was Greek so they figured another Greek could remove the curse. That worked as well as the Cubs offense. Felix Pie and Ryan Dempster would like to thank the Greeks for playing and have some lovely parting gifts at the door.

The Cubs are going about this in the wrong way. If there's anyone who can break the curse, it's the voodoo guy who throws a Molotov cocktail in a car after saying "I want you to meet my sister, goddess of fire".

Screw blessing the dugout. Send Screwface after the competition. "Stop your blood clot crying! Everybody must dead. It's your turn!"

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

There There, Oklahoma. There There

"You actually set a record. A record for being an asshole."

Let's All Laugh At Manchester City

Let's see if Noel Gallagher is laughing now. Citeh's attempt to out-Chelsea Chelsea just ran into a wall. The newly rich club has been attempting to feel the fiber of Kaka's (AC Milan/Brazil) fabric to the tune of £100million. The whole thing just blew up after his negotiating team got pissed at Man City's tactics.

The Kaka to Man City rumors have been flying around ever since the team was bought by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of Dubai. Money is no limit and the new owners want to show that by making Kaka the centerpiece of their new team which they hope will challenge the Big 4 for domestic and international supremacy. Too bad Kaka wants no part of it.

The Daily Mail reports that Kaka (who might love Jesus more than Kurt Warner) turned down a reported offer of £500,000 per week to stay with AC Milan.
‘All the messages coming my way said to choose with my heart and at the end that’s what the choice was. It was absolutely not about economics. At the end what counted was my history, where my ties are and where my heart really lies.’
Milan owner (and Italian Prime Minister) Silvio Berlusconi expressed relief at Kaka's decision. That surely has nothing to do with the fact that the fans were losing their minds and holding candlelight vigils in front of the striker's house pleading for him to stay. Berlusconi may have taken flak from the fans but £100 million goes a long way towards buying several players under 40 or paying off judges to give you immunity from prosecution.

Citeh has egg on its face and to make things worse, fellow Brazilian Robinho has gone AWOL. He was already demanding that the team get Kaka or he would leave. He had another bust-up with manager Mark Hughes and now the team can't locate him. Chelsea manager Phil Scolari has the hots for him (but not in a Wenger kind of way). He was furious when Chelsea missed out on him last August and he still would love to add him to the squad especially in light of the team's recent form.

If Chelsea somehow manage to pry Robinho away from Citeh, I will be first in line to get the Robinho Number TBC jersey. It's either that or an Abramovich jersey with a pound sign under the name. Straight cash homey.

Robinho shouldn't get too upset. He may have signed for the wrong Manchester team by accident but they are making moves in spite of Kakagate. All-purpose asshole Craig Bellamy was just purchased for £14million from West Ham. Manager Gianfranco Zola is laughing all the way to the bank along with the rest of England. Who knows if the deal is truly dead but this debacle can't make Citeh owners happy.

The Orioles Are Leo Mazzone's Roadkill

Football is dead to me after Willis McGahee and the Ravens were debacled by the Steelers on Sunday night. McGahee's illegitimate kids can rest easy. Their dad is alright although he probably has a lingering headache. Bring back the Mark Kelso helmet!

Now that football season is effectively over, I have to look elsewhere for sporting satisfaction. Baseball season is almost upon us but I'm an Orioles fan (I so wish I wasn't) so I have nothing to look forward to except another season of mediocrity and straight doo-doo from the pitching staff. Think I'm being overdramatic? Ask Leo Mazzone about the Orioles organization.
“If I had to do it all over again, I would have never done it,” said Leo Mazzone, mostly a national television analyst on baseball these days, reflecting from his home in Roswell. He inherited a bunch of soft pitchers in Baltimore who couldn’t adjust to his hard but effective style. He was booted after two seasons.

To hear Mazzone tell it, his firing was a relief. “Once I got there and saw how they operated compared to the Braves, I knew I made a mistake the first week of spring training,” he said, before chuckling and adding, “I said to myself, ‘You know what? I done messed up.’

“The lack of organization. The lack of discipline. The lack of overall professionalism. I was shocked, and I couldn’t believe it.”
He didn't just throw the Orioles under the bus. He drove it over them several times. Orioles fans shouldn't waste time getting mad at him. Daniel Cabrera probably disagrees but the results speak for themselves. The pitching staff is inhabited by pitchers who show flashes of brilliance followed by sustained periods of inexplicable self-destruction. Andy MacPhail really hasn't done anything to address this but last year's Erik Bedard trade (which resulted in some nice pickups including All-Star George Sherrill and Adam Jones) and the imminent resigning of Nick Markakis will fool me into thinking things are changing until the inevitable summer collapse. Where are Lenn Sakata, John Lowenstein and Tito Landrum when you need them? Orioles Magic. Feel it happen.

O-R-I-O-L-E-S! This song will never leave me.

C'mon N' Ride It (The Swazi Sex Train)

If you feel like fucking, well come on. It's up to you! Actually it isn't if you're staying in Swaziland during next year's World Cup in South Africa. The Swazi police took time out from finding new teenage wives for the king in order to ban prostitution thanks to a law that's been on the books since the 1800s.

All is not lost for our soccer fans cum sex tourists.
"During the 2010 World Cup tournament, we are expecting tourists from all walks of life," [Bongani Dlamini, a spokesman for the local organising committee] said. "After we have taken a decision on prostitution, we will then make a statement or even advise the tourists accordingly.

"For example, when a tourist who needs the services of a sex worker arrives and finds that prostitution is prohibited, we will advise him accordingly that he has to propose for love to a Swazi girl first and then consent for sex."
"Yeah whatever. Sure I love you. Now take off your shirt." If that's all it takes to get some Swazi love for the night, I'll go one step further in taking it back to the old school. A guy I knew in college used to ask his hookups if they wanted a pizza then bail after the deed. Hookers take pizza in lieu of cash, right? A Domino's Pizza has to be worth more than 100,000,000 Swazi Lilangeli. Oh wait, that's Zimbabwe. Imagine if I gave her Little Caesar's. Two pizza pizzas? Two chicks at the same time. Beautiful.

The 44th President Of The United States, Barack Hussein Obama

Let's take a moment from the hilarity and insight that you crave and we give on a bi-monthly basis. We're gonna get a little serious on you. Bear with us or just skip this post.

Take a minute to reflect on the events in Washington DC this morning. Today's inauguration of Barack Obama is a milestone in our nation's history (as cliched as that sounds). It's something I wasn't sure I'd see in my lifetime and I never thought I would see it this soon.

I first became aware of President Obama in 2003 when I was introduced to him in Chicago by a friend who was a campaign volunteer and former law student of his. We were in a dive called Yakzies across from Wrigley Field back in 2003 for an Obama for Senate fundraiser. At the time I was a new arrival from DC, tired of politics and had no interest in hearing one more politician wax idiotic about what he or she was going to do when elected. I was nagged into going and after hearing him speak for a couple minutes, I was amazed that I was actually interested and intrigued by what he had to say. Another friend recently reminded me that I was raving about him at dinner a few days later and I actually called him "a man of the people" in explaining why I thought he was the man. Perhaps a bit overboard considering I didn't know much about him at the time. I thought he would make a great senator but at no time did I imagine he would be president in six years.

Obama has his work cut out for him and we have yet to see what kind of president he will be but we can worry about that when the inauguration jamboree is over. Try to enjoy the moment no matter where your political sympathies lie.

I better get my reparations check and mule by next Friday or I'm gonna go apeshit. I don't want the 40 acres. That's work I don't need and I can't sell the land for anything in this real estate market.

Picture via Chicago Tribune

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dat Dude Took Jerry Jones To The Cleaners

You know all is well with the Cowboys when former players are laughing at the organization for paying them. Former Cowboy Marcellus Wiley mocked owner Jerry Jones for paying him straight cash when he had no business getting it.
Wiley listed a handful of big-name acquisitions [on NFL Live] that were busts for Jerry, including Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Eddie George ... and himself.

"I didn't have anything left in the tank," Wiley said, "and he gave me a lot of money."

Trey Wingo chimed in with a "Cha-ching!" at this point.
That's how Morningside Heights do! If that wasn't bad enough, Drew Rosenhaus is popping off at the mouth and shitting all over Pacman Jones to build up T.O. before he starts crying. If you guys do that, it's unfair. Nothing to see here. Move along. Just another off-season at Valley Ranch.

Does This Look Like A Man Who Had All He Can Eat

Criminals should start thinking ahead. "If I get caught, I might want to consider getting decent representation." Unfortunately for Joba Chamberlain impersonator Ryan Ward, he didn't think ahead and now he's screwed.

Ward was busted after trying to scam a bagel from a Jersey bagel shop by pointing at a picture of the Yankees pitcher and asking "Do you know who I am?" Now he's facing a year in jail. He should be fine. He has the best representation Jersey has to offer.
"What's the crime in pretending to be someone?" Bardis asked. "I'm Mel Gibson; want to have a drink? He just goofed around because he kind of looks like the guy."

Ward then corrected his lawyer.

"He looks like me," Ward said.
Ah the Lionel Hutz of New Jersey. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Ryan Ward is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty." Bardis has a foolproof strategy to get him out of there. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. The judge won't know what hit him. Ward will be free and clear in no time.

The NCAA Will Be Watching Kids Do Their Thing At The Playground, Ya Know

Whatever happened to Another Bad Creation? I'm guessing Iesha turned into a jealous girl and broke up the group like Yoko did the Beatles. Soon college basketball assistants will be playing Nintendo and eating cereal in seventh-grade living rooms thanks to an NCAA ruling that makes seventh graders official prospects.
The organization voted Thursday to change the definition of a prospect from ninth grade to seventh grade - for men's basketball only - to nip a trend in which some college coaches were working at private, elite camps and clinics for seventh- and eighth-graders. The NCAA couldn't regulate those camps because those youngsters fell below the current cutoff.

"It's a little scary only because - we talked about this - where does it stop?" said Joe D'Antonio, chairman of the 31-member Division I Legislative Council, which approved the change during a two-day meeting at the NCAA Convention. "The fact that we've got to this point is really just a sign of the times."
The concern is that elite camps for children are giving some coaches an advantage so there's pressure for other coaches to start their own. Soon they'll have to start camps for third and fourth-graders. Poor college coaches. Once again, the NCAA is looking out for the athlete.

Soon we'll have coaches passing eighth-graders a lollipop and a letter and telling them to keep it a secret while they give benefits under the table. Imagine the scandals during campus visits. "Ro, Coach Huggins won't make you do any work and you can play all the Playstation you want. I guess you could graduate but wouldn't you rather play ball and Madden all day? Once you stop thinking girls are icky, you can have anyone you want like Pat White. Let Jenny touch you and see what you think." Next thing you know, there will be more underage sex scandals than a Florida school system. Well done, NCAA.

No White Sox Hat, No Change For You

The Chicago White Sox are throwing an inauguration party for President-Elect Barry Obama but it's not open to the public and if you aren't wearing a White Sox hat, don't bother showing up. You'll get no change and like it.

Bill Romanowski Is Stalking The Denver Broncos

You probably thought you heard the last of Bill Romanowski after the Broncos hired Josh McDaniels to be their new head coach. You thought wrong. He's going to get a job with the organization whether they like it or not.

The former linebacker has been invited for a meet and greet with the new coach but he intends to leave with a job. Romo tried to get an interview for the head coach position but he wasn't considered even though he came up with a 30 page Powerpoint presentation which we assume consisted of him drawing a bunch of angry stick figures beating each other on the computer screen with a Sharpie. Bronco smash!

Romo hopes to be placed in charge of the team's health and well-being if he can't join the coaching staff. If there's one person who knows about physical and mental well-being, it's him. If a player doesn't take a shot in the ass, that's a punch in the eye. Don't finish your reps? That's spit in the eye. The team might want to reconsider their invitation. They might want to watch him from their facilities once he finds out they gave the strength coach position to someone else.
"Well, he will cheat on you again. That's a promise. And when he does, don't come crying to me, because ... I've had it with you. You're so fucking weak!"
He'll get all Single White Female on them. If you doubt that, check his comments about Raiders owner Al Davis.
Should [Al] Davis show an interest in his services, Romanowski would zip off another PowerPoint presentation, one that’s specifically designed for the Raiders

“He’s still sharp as a tack,” Romanowski said. “You’ve got to be on your game. He’s testing you when he’s talking to you.” Right now, Romanowski is focusing on his impending meeting with McDaniels, studying up on the former New England offensive coordinator turned head coach.
Sharp as a tack? Oh yeah, just like George Steinbrenner. Davis has made all the right decisions. Actually they would be a great duo. We take that back. He should go to Oakland immediately.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why You Don't Want To Room With Charlie Weis

There's no need to go into Peter King's description of his weekend in Nashville. You want a review of that? Go to KSK for Big Daddy's FJM-style breakdown. Unfortunately the stupid didn't stop after he left town. For once, Lendale White may not have been the dumbest guy in Nashville. We have Pennsyltucky to thank for exporting the stupid down to Nashville this week.
Two football coaches from a Pennsylvania college were injured Tuesday morning after they fell four stories at Gaylord Opryland Resort.

Police said the two men, Scott Coy, 29, and Darren DeMeio, 23, were wrestling shirtless in their boxer shorts when they tumbled out a window from a room in the Delta Atrium section around 4:15 a.m.

"These are really substantial, weather-resistant, double-paned plate glass windows. So (it's a) very strange, unusual occurrence for someone to literally come crashing through them and down onto the ground below," said Kim Keelor, Opryland Hotel spokeswoman.
Wrestling? Sure. Whatever you say, guy. I'd like to see how they explained this one away when they landed half naked on the ground covered in sweat and breathing heavily. "You see what had happened was..." Westminister College should be proud.

Coy (who obviously wasn't playing coy) has a fractured pelvis and femur while DeMeio has a broken vertebrae. If these two assclowns could do this much damage, imagine the collateral damage if Charlie Weis or Mark Mangino were involved. Presidential limo glass couldn't contain the Bunker Buster. Bodies everywhere on the sidewalk. Medical response teams from Memphis. Just like another day in Gaza. What? Too soon? I am 'tary.

Pole Dancing Hannover 96 Style

You want to know why the Bundesliga will never be as big as the Premier League or La Liga? For starters the talent leaves much to be desired.

This reminds me of the time I went to Good Guys with two friends on a Sunday afternoon. JV squad all the way. If you want the view from the front, watch it here. Knock yourself out. Seriously, you'll want to after watching it.

YouTubes via The Guardian

You'll Never Catch Me, Copper. See?

Are monkeys smarter than humans? They're definitely smarter than Rae Carruth. You'll never see a monkey hide from the authorities in his car trunk or fake his own death. A feces-throwing rhesus monkey is on the lam and is daring the authorities to catch him.
Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
The monkey must have been trained by Morpheus or Chiun. It's going to take an Agent Smith type to slow him down. A posse comitatus at the very least. This monkey won't take himself down with his own feces like one Plaxico Burress. Ride like the wind to be free again, Rhesus. Make it to the border of Mexico where sweet freedom awaits you.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Rhodes Scholar or Instant Millions? Tough Choice

Florida State safety Myron Rolle had a tough choice, either declare himself eligible for the 2009 draft or defer entry to the NFL until the 2010 draft and accept a Rhodes scholarship at Oxford University. While admirably he chose the latter, at least in the short term, his decision to not enter the NFL draft until 2010 will certainly impact his financial interests if and when he decides to play.

Since the NFL appears to be headed for an uncapped season in 2010, the owners could institute a Rookie salary cap for the 2010 draft. This would mean that a player, like Rolle, that was looking at being drafted in the top 4o players will receive drastically reduced wages, not unlike incoming NBA players did when they put in place their own Rookie cap.

Not to mention that NFL personnel memories are short and if you aren't playing, you aren't going to get drafted high. By Rolle going to England for a year and since he wasn't a top 10 candidate anyway, he almost certainly will slide down draft boards and not get anywhere near the draft pick and thus the money he would've gotten had he come out in 2009 even if there isn't going to be a rookie cap.

Neither having a Rhodes scholarship nor playing in the NFL is a sure way to making millions of dollars and leaving yourself set for life for sure. While the prestige of playing in the NFL can take you places (ask Steve Largent and Heath Shuler) a Rhodes scholarship can certainly carry more weight in one's life after one's playing days are done (ask Bill Bradley) but either one's prestige can only go so far to pay the bills and that 1st or 2nd round pick money could certainly have been of some use to a guy as smart as Rolle. Then again, maybe I have no idea how much someone in the field of medical anthropology makes.

Via The Quad, NY Times Blog

The Only Thing That Hurts More Is Being A Bills Fan

So he says in this video. Jeeze, I dunno, being a Detroit fan might hurt a bit more but damn this had to hurt. I just love this guy's intensity when being interviewed by the news person.
The Baracklyn Cyclones? That is awesome.

Eddy Curry Might Need A Lecture From Sexual Harassment Panda

You can get it, boy! Now gimme dat sweet 'nilla lovin'!

When Isiah Thomas left the Knicks, Eddy Curry was but the learner. Now he could be the master of sexual harassment. When the big man tells you to take care of the kid, you better drop to those knees as David Kuchinsky found out.

Curry is being sued by Kuchinsky, his former driver, who claims that he is owed back pay and expenses. Oh he also claims that Curry tried to get some sex on the side too.
The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.
"Ja, you will love it when you touch it." It gets better. Add a few racial slurs and some Plaxico Burress/Jayson Williams gunplay and we've got ourselves a good old fashioned Knicks sexual harrassment party.
And in a disturbing episode reminiscent of some of the evidence in the manslaughter case against former Nets star Jayson Williams, Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a "fully loaded" gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.

"Look, I have one in the chamber," Curry allegedly said.
Sit your $5 ass down before I make change. That's so Nino Brown. It's not clear whether gun should be in quotes as well. Curry could have been talking about his "love gun" or the mayonnaise gun he keeps in a shoulder holster that compliments the Roy Rogers holster of fries he always keeps at his side.

Of course, nothing has been proven so we can't assume Curry is guilty unlike Isiah who we all knew was guilty from the jump. For the record, he and his lawyer deny the allegations.
His lawyer, Kelly Saindon, denied all of Kuchinsky's allegations, calling them "absolutely untrue," and saying he began making a series of claims for unpaid wages several months ago, upping the ante each time.

Saindon said Curry took a chance on hiring Kuchinsky despite a criminal record that includes a three-year prison sentence for a 1992 burglary in New Jersey. He also got three years' probation in a 2004 resisting-arrest case in the Garden State, records show.
These accusations seem like the actions of a motivated sexual harasser and that makes us skeptical. Curry is world-renowned for his laziness and it's hard to believe he could get the energy to pursue his driver with such determination. He only works this hard at the Times Square Olive Garden when he's testing the limits of the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl.

Kuchinsky's lawyer, Matt Blit might want to be careful. Anucha Browne Sanders ended up settling for over $11 million. Kuchinsky is suing for what amounts to barely $100,000 dollars. He might end up settling for free coffee.
We're not trying to push The Secret on you but this could be the best book review we've ever read from someone with "an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system".
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
Go here for the rest of this comedy gold.

H.S. Kid Nails An 82 Footer

This kid has an arm, I hope he's on the football team and if he isn't that coach better sign him up quick. I hope his parents let him stay up late after this.

Of course, nothing is as awesome as this full court toss. It just gets funnier every time I watch it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Do Footballer Brains Look Like Lasagna? Let's Find Out

It's one thing to get a Congressional intern shitfaced on multiple Irish Car Bombs (political milkshake for you P.C. types) and have him jump through an open bar window, mount a bike and start yelling "I'm a pony" before throwing him and a $20 bill in cab as he loses it all over the back seat.** It's another thing to come out of the bushes during a soccer game with a chainsaw and try to chop off an opponent's hand. If that doesn't suit you, how about attacking with a long sword? Welcome to amateur soccer, England style.

Anthony Lloyd was sentenced to a year in prison and suspended for two years (whatever that means) for attempting to cut an opposing player's hand off with a chainsaw during a soccer game.
Lloyd, 20, was ordered off the park pitch for foul language but returned with the running power tool and tried to chop the hands off rival Paul Westwood while yelling: "I'm a crank."
The prosecutor claimed that Lloyd came back onto the pitch from the bushes and the victim's friend ran off leaving him at the mercy of the chainsaw-waving maniac. It's probably worth mentioning that he had been drinking. Amazingly Westwood only suffered a minor flesh wound.

Injuries were avoided in another match where a sent-off player returned with a golf club and long sword. Details are scarce as the teams are waiting for the referee's report and they "don't want to make it sound worse than it was and want to see what the authorities have to say". Good point. It's not like the wannabe Highlander was waving a chainsaw. Hopefully he claimed he was Spanish even though he had a Scottish accent. The match was abandoned after the incident.

Do the areas around English soccer fields need to be checked for weapons? Let's hope no games are played near IRA weapons stockpiles. More troubles are the last thing anyone needs. My hope is that we see some of this behavior in the professional leagues. The next time John Terry gets sent off, he should rush Howard Webb with a blackjack while spitting and cursing like, like ... John Terry. Stoke's Ricardo Fuller could grab a strategically-placed mace from the touchline and rush his captain. The possibilities are endless.

**I'm not sure what that drinking story has to do with anything either.
Sometimes the posts write themselves. Five Somali pirates drown after overloading their boat with ransom money.

What is Domination?

This is. The Steelers gutted the Chargers yesterday in the final playoff game of the weekend. The conference championship rounds are set, Philadelphia/Arizona and Baltimore/Pittsburgh. If defense wins championships, I think the deck is stacked for whomever wins the AFC to win the Super Bowl. Not to sleep on Philadelphia's defense, but it is no comparison to Baltimore or Pittsburgh's tenacious D. I think I would want to see Arizona's high flying offense square off against the AFC brutes. That might make for an interesting Super Bowl Sunday...or a completely one-sided affair like most Super Bowls have been.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Hasn't Detroit Suffered Enough?

Someone needs to put Tonya Harding out of our misery. I would consider giving one or both of Chimp's kidneys away to a Indian organ farmer if it meant sending Harding into permanent exile. The former figure skater/porn failure/boxer is forcing her way into our lives again. This time, she's jumping into the world of MMA.

Harding will be fighting in the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War in Detroit on January 24. That's the shorted version of the event name which is actually the Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Fight War Extravaganza Super Jamberoo Explosion Super Happy Fun Time Spectacular. The event marks the 15 year anniversary of the infamous "WHY??" incident in which skater Nancy Kerrigan was punked by Harding and her associates with a pipe to the knee.

Is it wrong to hope for a Mortal Kombat-type fatality? Hopefully she'll be matched against Brock Lesnar who will pound her into Bolivian with his ham hock hands before releasing her head into the night with a Scorpion uppercut.

Monkeys Doing Anything Is Awesome

Another example of why monkeys rule and unicycles and the people that ride them suck.

Pacman Jones Surprised That Sun Rises In The Morning

Some things are guaranteed to surprise you. Find a horse head in your bed. Surprise. Shane killing Lem. Fucked up. Being cut by your team after they find out you've been involved in another shooting incident after being suspended once this season. Not so much.

The Cowboys surprisingly did the smart thing and cut Pacman Jones yesterday. There was a small matter of a 2007 incident where he arranged to have three men shot outside of an Atlanta strip club AFTER he was already suspended for a year by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
The June 2007 shooting occurred outside a suburban Atlanta strip club. One of the shooting victims told "Outside the Lines" that he had a dispute with Jones inside the strip club and that not long after he and the two others left the club, a hail of bullets struck their car. The NFL knew about that incident, but charges were never brought against anyone because the victims did not see the shooter.
The news spurred the team to cut Pacman after just one season with the organization. There are also reports that were investigated by the Cowboys that Pacman was partying up in the club the night after their loss to the Ravens and New Years Eve in a Miami bar.

Pacman is suprised and "hurt" that he was cut by the Cowboys who stood by him this season after making owner Jerry Jones and the organization look like fools.
"Surprised? Yeah, I was surprised," said Jones, reached at his Prosper home. "All I can do is keep working hard, keep my nose clean and hope for the best."
It's possible that he could receive a lifetime ban from the league following news of this incident that occurred during his suspension. However it seems odd that he would receive the NFL death penalty for an incident that was already known to the league before he was reinstated.

In his downtime, he can try to sue ESPN as he threatened to do when asked about the report. At least he's staying positive.
"If I beat myself up, who will take care of me?" Jones said. "Football means a lot to me, but it's not everything. It's not like I'm taking it pretty good. I love me some me."
You know who also loves him some him? T.O. Someone needs to give these guys a sitcom or reality show immediately.

Maybe Lawrence Phillips can give Pacman a CFL recommendation. Rumor has it Calgary is great in February. He'll also get much love up in the Calgary clubs with their No Coloreds policies.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ohio State Loses Big Game, Keeping Trend Alive

What do these bowl games have in common: Florida State 42 - Wisconsin 13, Missouri 30 - Northwestern 23, Kansas 42 - Minnesota 21, Georgia 24 - Michigan State 12, USC 38 - PSU 24, Texas 24 - Ohio State 21? Thats right, they all feature Big 10 football teams losing in them. Just one of the Big Ten's best and brightest has won their bowl game and that comes from the mighty Iowa who trounced a woefully overmatched South Carolina squad, 31-10. Pollsters thought so much of Iowa that they haven't been ranked all season long.

So after a thrilling finish at the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, where the hopes and dreams of all in the Buckeye nation are driven and crushed painfully into the ground yet again, like any good Ohio sports fan's dreams should be, that makes the mighty Big Ten conference 1 for 7 in bowl games. 7 bowl games played and this conference can only muster one win, and that game could have been most Big 10 teams homecoming game the way South Carolina played its last 3 games this year.

As down in the dumps as people say the ACC and Pac-10 are in football these days, even they as conferences put up more of a fight than the pantywaists in the Big 10. Four bowl wins for the ACC and the Pac-10 went a perfect 5 for 5 in their bowl games.

So much for the Big Ten being the midwest powerhouse...more like the midwest pussycats.


Man Spears Groin, Lives To Get Stabby Another Day

Not exactly what you want to have happen while out on a dive but Greg Robertson speared himself with a speargun in Coolum, Australia the other day right in his groin. Not that there is ever a good place for you to spear yourself, but the groin has to be up there in the top five with places you'd rather not shoot yourself with a giant barbed spearhead. Paramedics had a good laugh though:

"A big wave knocked him into the rocks, he lost his spear and the spear rebounded off one of the rocks and got him right near the groin," Casey said.

"The spear's barbed on the end, so it's locked in there. He got up and said 'It's in me, it's in me!

"He's ok now. He's still conscious and talking.

"He'll probably have a laugh about it in a week. We joked about it...we told them to not spear themselves and mistake themselves for a fish and then it actually happened."

"He certainly could have come off a lot worse than he did. Initially he did say that he thought he got washed into another rock, but when the wave drew back he realised, 'Oh dear, there's a big metal thing stuck in my leg'.

"And I asked him if he caught any fish and he didn't. But if you are going to have one bump a year, you may as well get it out of the way of the first day of the year."

Yea, if I have one bump a year i'd prefer it to be me banging my big toe against my coffee table and not having a giant spear shot into my groin, but whatever. Least the guy is ok. Happy new year to you Greg Robertson!

Via The

AAAAAND We're Back

Pop the bubbly, happy new year. The Deuce is back and fully operational.