Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hollis Thomas Loves Him Some Sponge Bob

We all remember this Fanhouse post featuring Hollis Thomas wearing this scary crazy Spongebob getup at some sort of event. No one was really sure what New Orleans Saints LB Hollis Thomas was thinking wearing that ensemble but apparently this outfit has something to do with Hollis having an irrational obsession with all things SpongeBob Square Pants. The good folks at Baller Alert got this awesome tidbit from an anonymous tipster:
To Whom It May Concern: Hollis Thomas is a 34 year old, 13 year NFL veteran. He is stubborn, lovable, & friendly. He is your typical NFL baller… however; he has a fetish with Spongebob. This man is obsessed with Spongebob. He sleeps on Spongebob sheets, rocks a Spongebob medallion on his necklace, and watches Spongebob during sex. His room is chalked full of everything Spongebob, he references Spongebob during his conversations!!! I think he once he gets a hold of something he refuses to let it go… the only thing he has been releasing lately is his receding hairline. I would call him weird but even weirdos have a method to their madness. You can catch him coloring Spongebob pictures with felt markers or playing a Spongebob game on one of his many gaming consoles. He wears Spongebob underwear like they are the latest pair of Calvin Klein’s.

Wow, ok, so the man watches Spongebob during sex and wears Spongebob underwear. Ok, well I guess all this might shed a little light on why he was wearing that outfit...the man is clearly insane.

Via Baller Alert

Why Does John Terry Hate Luther Vandross

When someone requests Luther, you don't say no. Hopefully JT will be haunted by the ghost of Fat Luther instead of Skinny Luther. You just don't see fat ghosts anywhere these days.

This Passes For Theatre In Minnesota

Deer Camp, a musical comedy about hunting, debuted last Wednesday at the Lowry Theatre in St. Paul...wait, let me say that again, a musical comedy?? Oh those wacky Minnesotans. Now that I think about it, I can't think of anything that brings to mind musical comedy more than 4 men in the woods, in a cabin, on a cold autumn weekend with their guns. Yeah, ok here's the writeup:

This laugh-out-loud musical follows the guys from Elmwood, MN on their annual hunting trip to deer camp where they do anything but hunt!

But this year is different; after 15 years of coming home with nothing but a hangover, the guys are under a threat from their wives to “get a deer or else.”

That means no more hunting trips if they come back empty handed again.

Wow that sounds like a laugh a minute to me! Think of all the fart jokes, the fun pranks they do when one passes out from too much booze, the shootings in the ass, the cornhole on the lawn, the unruly matches of euchre, the games of hide the sausage, trying not to get stabbed by the antlers...and I can go on with this. It all sounds like they might've found the sequel to Brokeback Mountain, "Brokeback Mountain 2: Deer Camp". This play is FULL of possibilities! How this hasn't garnered a national run is beyond me.

Lord knows that Broadway has run out of ideas, maybe this is the kind of out of the box thinking they need to bring some life to the theatre district...or not at all.

This hunter however, is not amused

Everybody Hate Starbury

Training camp is barely underway and Stephon Marbury is already causing headaches for everyone in Knick Land. You've already seen the reports of his Media Day comments. Now his teammates are struggling to find ways to say they want him gone.
..."I just feel like, I guess right now that's the story - if he's gonna be here or if he's not, or does he come off the bench if he is here and all that stuff. That's all fine and well, but we just need to focus more on winning games."

"We should be more focused on restoring order to the Knicks," [Jamal] Crawford said.

That can't happen, and won't happen, as long as No. 3 - "Coney Island's Finest," as the tattoo on his left biceps says - remains the center of the universe. "It's bigger than just one person, this organization," Crawford said.
Newsday's Ken Berger reports that coach Mike D'Antoni polled the team on Starbury and he lost in a landslide. They want him gone yesterday.

Berger already has Starbury praying for him so that means his mind is somewhere else already. Take the malcontent and add a little sciatica and we have the makings of another quality Knickerbocker season. This should end well for Knick haters such as myself.

Larry Brown Wastes No Time

Larry Brown has already started to take digs at the Bobcats roster and the guys who gave it to him, Michael Jordan and Rod Higgins.
"I'm concerned about who's going to be our third point guard. I'm concerned if we have a small forward that can guard," Brown said. "I'm concerned if we can find a power forward that can play..."

"When I got the job I told Michael and (GM) Rod (Higgins) that we needed three point guards that could bring the ball up against the press, one of them with size. We needed two small forwards that could defend. And we needed five big guys and try to make them as athletic as possible," Brown said.

So how does this roster mesh with what he wanted?

"I don't know if it does," Brown said. "We'll just have to wait and see how it plays out."

Yes, its true, Larry Brown has already thrown his bosses under a bus and training camps are barely starting. If the season goes south quick he will always be able to say that he wasn't given the roster that he wanted. He just gave himself an out to say, "Its not my fault we sucked, I told them what we needed to win."

The man can coach, we've all seen him coach up a team quite well, but he doesn't normally start burning bridges before a game gets played. Usually Larry saves that for much later in the season. Should be fun times in Charlotte this year.

Via Blue Ridge Now.com

Lamar Odom Asks Phil Jackson: Muthaf**ka Is You Crazy?

I don't know what you heard. Lamar don't play no six man. You betta ask somebody. Who said he was doin' that? Phil? Sheeeeit. I don't care if God Shammgod says it. Ain't no way that make it true! Word is born. God wants Lamar startin!

Lamar Odom feels quite strongly about his role with the Lakers this year. Phil Jackson said that Odom could end up as the sixth man this year. He's not having it.
"He must have woke up and bumped his head. He probably hit his head on something -- boom," Odom said about Jackson. "To start off like that, you've got to be out of your . . . mind."
Wait until his cellphone video where he talks shit about Phil and demands a trade to Memphis or Charlotte. He might even try to jump a Mini-Cooper or a pool full of angry koala bears. Will Odom be the West Coast Marbury? It's not clear whether he has the crazy but one can hope.

Your Fluorescent Bulbs Mean Nothing To Me!

This is hardcore sprinting on this Japanese gameshow. The guy has to run right through like 50 fluorescent bulbs and does so without flinching. Its certainly impressive to watch, especially in slow motion and boy is it a good thing he's wearing those goggles, not like those bulbs don't each contain a tiny amount of the neurotoxin mercury that he is breathing in while blasting through them or anything. Way to go smartguy!

Some Folk'll Never Wrestle A Pig But Then Again Some Folk'll

Stories like these make me ashamed to be from Maryland. Sorry, Murland.

Spring Meadow Farms in Baltimore Country held a pig wrestling jamboree this past weekend to the dismay of county officials and PETA. Owner Stan Dabkowski fought the power and held the event even though he was threatened with protests and county code violations.
Twenty groups of four-member teams took turns attempting to corral pigs and place them in a round, shallow water trough for a $150 prize. Each had 90 seconds to do so. Some were able to do it in as few as 25 seconds.
Let me say that I, for one, am offended. The pig is a wonderful, magical animal and unlike those who would disparage it, I find it to be quite halal and kosher. Oink vey indeed! What other animal gives us pork, sausage and bacon? It's a literal food factory and people are defiling it for their pleasure. Let us not even speak about their intelligence. If the pig had opposable thumbs, I would be wary of facing it in a game of backgammon. If the pig could speak, I would love to discuss Wittgenstein, Heidegger and the Marquis de Sade with the pig over said game of backgammon. Instead some yokels force the pigs into corrals for their amusement and don't even partake in their sweet, sweet deliciousness. For shame! Save the salted meats! I'm furious. I'm gonna go complain to my purents.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Ozzie Guillen Will Send Himself Into Exile If The White Sox Don't Make The Playoffs

It's unbelievable that Ozzie Guillen would come this far only to let evil win now. Of course, we're talking about the evil that is Jay Mariotti. The terrorists will win if Guillen follows through on his threat to leave town.

Guillen will exile himself from Bartertown otherwise known as Chicago if the White Sox don't make the playoffs.
"If we lose this thing, I'm going to ask [Chairman] Jerry Reinsdorf to give me the private plane," Guillen said Saturday.

"I don't have the guts to look at the people's faces in O'Hare Airport or Midway after this season.

"Then I won't have to see anyone in the airport and feel embarrassed or disappointed. I can get to Miami, where nobody really knows the White Sox. I will be embarrassed and I will be disappointed about seeing the people in the airport, seeing their faces, because we let them down."
Miami really is the equivalent to the gulag or desert wasteland when it comes to sports. Maybe Ozzie was thinking of Cuba Jr. when he smashed pictures in his office after Friday's loss. Carlos Quentin decided he wanted to smash too. Too bad he ended his season prematurely when he broke his wrist after "accidentally slamming his right wrist on the top of his bat after fouling off a pitch".

Ozzie also discussed White Sox fans showing their displeasure on Friday and Saturday by booing the team.
"Sometimes when I hear those things I say, 'I wish [I was] in Caracas (Venezuela) right now,' because then my boys would be right behind [me]. But I don't blame them.
Maybe he should bring his boys to Chicago. If anyone gives him shit in O'Hare or Midway, his boys could get all Chavista and beat that ass like James Joyce on a red-headed stepchild.**

**Do people even saying that anymore? What's so bad about a red-headed stepchild? I could understand if it was that annoying red-headed kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Mr. Horton should have molested him instead of Dudley. I'm such a poser for mentioning Joyce on a sports blog. I'll donkey punch myself to make up for it.

If You Have A Problem, If No One Else Can Help And If You Can Find Him Maybe You Can Hire Face's Son

The spawn of the A-Team's Dirk Benedict is running loose in England. Shady land grabbers beware.

Roland Benedict, son of Dirk, is on trial with English League Two outfit Gillingham. The Daily Mail claims that "the six-footer made a name for himself on the college basketball circuit last year." That would be pretty sweet if it were true. Too bad it's not.

Face Jr. just graduated from high school. He was going to attend the University of the Redlands but decided to give English soccer a shot.

Face must think Colonel Decker can't go international. How he underestimates the long arm of the USMP.
Goodnight, White Chocolate. We'll miss the highly erratic, frustrating yet fascinating play from your early career as well as your love and appreciation of the Asian persuasion.

Tommy Lasorda Host The San Francisco Italian-American Parade? Fuhgedaboutit

Tommy Lasorda better get ready to assume the position pictured above. If San Francisco County Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier gets her way, Lasorda will be bounced out of his position as Grand Marshal of the San Francisco Italian-American Parade.

Alioto-Pier wants a "local Italian-American" like Joe Montana or Barry Zito to have the honor of leading the parade.
"We can't have Tommy Lasorda come to San Francisco for the Italian American parade," she told the [San Francisco Chronicle]. "He's like enemy No. 1 right now. If you don't think this is important, you should move to L.A."
Now that's reppin' your hood. However I'm not sure Barry Zito is the right move unless he's on a float honoring massive wastes of money. That's about as worthwhile as a float of when Tony saw Angela in the shower on Who's The Boss. Who does more damage to the Giants? Lasorda or Zito. Zito's enemy #1 by a long shot. Perhaps he should sleep with the sharks in the bay. An Italian problem deserves an Italian response.
Perhaps surprisingly, many readers choosing to comment on the story enthusiastically backed Lasorda. "Want a great meal in North Beach? Ask Tommy where to go, not Alioto dash blankyblank," wrote one. Penned another: "Tommy Lasorda is all about being Italian and enjoying great food. Zito will be booed and Montana would never come."
Low expectation having muthafuckas. How about Tony Siragusa as a compromise? He may not live in the Bay area but he did try to take Rich Gannon's head off in a playoff game. The Raiders play in the Bay Area. San Francisco's in the Bay Area. Three degrees of separation. No problem. Do it.

Grand Opening, Grand Closing

Check please.
It looks like the Mets are starting to adopt the Gestapo tactics favored by Yankees security.

"My time with Mr. Miller was cut short by a security guard, who called other security guards who surrounded me and took my Mets press pass away for speaking to people in the stands, which they said was a no-no. They walked me to an exit and told me to wait while they called the Mets’ public relations office. They came back and told me the spokesman said that interviews with fans or employees were off limits."

Via Fark by way of The New York Times.

Update: How could I leave a post about the Mets without saying anything about Sunday?

See you in Port St. Lucie next February!

Barca And Espanyol Make For Hot Times In The City

The Barca-Espanyol derby may not be as well known as Inter-Milan, Boca-River Plate or Celtic-Rangers however you can bet the Barcelona face-off is big time in Spain. I'm not sure why I listed Celtic-Rangers. The Guardian's Barry Glendenning once described the Scottish derby as "two pygmies fighting over who's taller".

The latest edition of the Barcelona derby kicked off on Saturday with the two teams battling it out on the pitch while their supporters got it on in the stands. The match was stopped after flares were thrown onto Espanyol supporters in the lower deck of Espanyol's Olympic Stadium and all hell broke loose. In case you don't think that's a big deal, check this video from an Espanyol supporters section. Start at :40. You also get a bonus Spanish lesson. Use it at your local bodgea, cockfight or amateur midget rodeo and make new friends!

The match resumed and Barca pulled back two goals against 10-man Espanyol for a 2-1 win.

I don't know why the fans are getting so worked up. It's not like someone tried to throw a scooter on them from the upper deck Milan-style. Seriously, that's some scary shit right there.

Years ago I was at a Brazilian derby match in Belo Horizonte which pitted Cruzeiro against Atletico Mineiro. Consider that I started the day walking into an Atletico bar wearing Cruziero colors. Sometimes playing the stupid American saves your life. So does leaving with utmost haste. The stadium itself had a moat surrounding the field to keep fans out and we were blocked in our section Yankee-Gestapo style by military police with german shepards. Some of the scenes from the upper deck were terrifying yet amazing. Police dogs and batons on fans, flares flying, people pissing where they stood and fighting. However there was also incredible camaraderie, endless singing and chanting as well as new levels of inebriation I didn't know were possible.

Would I do it again? In a second. A big time derby is something every soccer fan should try to do in their lifetime. LA Galaxy vs. Chivas USA does not count. Think about it as a Soccer Hajj with multiple destination options. Just try to avoid the flares and flying bags of piss whenever you get where you end up.
Matt Millen is finally gone but Detroit is still losing its damn mind.

Hey Look Everybody! It's Enrico Palazzo

Yeah I know. We went with the obvious on this one but that's how we always do.

If you're going to impersonate someone at their place of employment, it's probably good to pick a place where the employees aren't recognizable. Someone should given Ronald Higgins that nugget before he decided to steal a Dodgers uniform at Dodger Stadium and impersonate a player.

Higgins was nailed after being seen on the field "holding a glove with two balls". Take that as you will.
Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called police.

Prosecutors say Higgins' clothes were later found in the bat boys' locker room. It was not immediately clear where he got the uniform.
Several things. First, I hope he really identified himself as "Dodgers Player" when asked about his identity.
"Hey what the hell are you doing? Who are you?"

"Why I'm Mann ... I mean Dodgers Player. I just got called up from ... from ... um the Pasadena 405s. Yeah that's it."
Second, what the hell were his clothes doing in the bat boys' locker room? Did he get his uniform from there? Did he try to squeeze into a small uniform that said Batboy on the back? "Oh my full name is Dodgers Player Batboy. I seem to have had an overnight growth spurt."

Maybe we shouldn't be too hard on Higgins. He's more harmless than that crazy guy who jacks subway trains and buses. If he was impersonating a Mets player, Jerry Manuel would probably throw him in the bullpen. He'd probably have a higher batting average than Andruw Jones. He'd definitely cost less. He should go to DC and impersonate a Nats player. They need all the help they can get.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Is Isiah Still In Charge Of The Knicks?

It sure seem like he is. Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni may be in charge but September 2008 looks an awful lot like September 2007. It's pretty much the same team from last season. Starbury's still around and Allan Houston is attempting a comeback.

Yeah you read that right. When training camp opens next week, Houston will join Starbury at Knicks training camp. What can anyone say about the Knicks? They broke my heart when they ruthlessly dumped Isiah but there could be some hope for this team after all.

Last year, Houston quit after one exhibition game. Let's see if he can make it through a full exhibition season. He'd do well to remember Sir Charles' Pippen Theory. You retire because you can't play anymore.

Now That's A Brawl

What's wrong with athletes today? Fans pay to go to a sporting event and expect to be entertained by quality play and they end up watching a disaster unfold. This is why more and more people are being turned off by professional sports. I mean, really. What the hell are they wearing? That's just disgusting.

Baseball could learn a lot from this fight. For starters, don't rush out there unless you intend to make good and actually fight. Running to the mound to mill around sends the wrong message to kids about following through and commitment.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What's Gary Sheffield's Prediction For The Cleveland Indians? Pain...

Aw shit. Fausto Carmona done woke up the beast. Gary Sheffield's about black some Cleveland eyes like peas. I can see it now. An angry Shef vows revenge as though someone killed his family while standing in front of the flaming Cuyahoga River with one fist clenched and the other shaking with impotent rage. One by one, he pursues and eliminates everyone who did him wrong last Friday night until all accounts are settled. By the time he's done, everyone will know that "if you mess with Sheffield ... 'It's on'."

Shef is still pissed about last week's fight that resulted in suspensions for him as well as Cleveland's Fausto Carmona, Victor Martinez and Asdrubal Cabrera. In fact, he's so pissed that he's gonna eat lightning and crap thunder until it's done.
... Detroit's designated hitter said he still plans to get even with those players who joined the fray to punch him instead of being peacemakers.

"When guys take cheap shots, I take that personally," he said. "When I find out who they are, they'll have to deal with me.

"It will never end until I get you. That's just the way it is. I don't mess with nobody. I don't bother anybody, but when you bother me, it's on. It could be off the field, on the field, it doesn't matter.

"I don't care about what the league thinks or about what they do. I have enough money to cover any fine they've got, trust me."
Shef promised to follow up on [Vice-President of On Field Operations for Baseball] Bob Watson's penalties and "[penalize the Cleveland players] too". He'll pursue them to hell and back. Maybe he'll get them tomorrow. Maybe a week from now. Maybe a year. He could even wait until they hold their retirement press conferences and blubber like little bitches in front of the press.

Fausto Carmona's dad: Why don't you get the hell out of here!"
Shef: "Shut up, old man! I ain't goin' nowhere!"
Carmona: "You know you got a big mouth."
Shef: "Why don't you come down here and close it for me, Carmona!"
Shef (to Carmona's wife): "Hey woman! Hey woman! Listen here, since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you'd like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreaming you had a real man, don't you. I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and Shef'll show you a real man."

You have been warned. Gary Sheffield will destroy any man who tries to take what he has. You probably shouldn't worry. The list of takers is so long, he probably won't get to you. He still has to deal with Joe Torre, Derek Jeter, Bill Spiers, Jesus, Grimace and that non-flying fuck Ralph Hinckley.

Newcastle United For Dummies

As promised we have the unique pleasure of our first guest post from one of my heroes. A New York football legend if you will and a saint of the only church I attend on 3rd Ave between 11th and 12th Streets. At his request we have hidden his identity to protect the innocent. He took some time out from his busy schedule to break down the situation at Newcastle in terms you can understand. Hopefully this won't be his last contribution to your football knowledge.

Save Newcastle United!

Mike Ashley has the scorn of the Geordies and is the root problem of all that is wrong with the club! Well, so say members of the Toon Army as they parade their angst with their “Cockney MAFIA out!” banner during a recent home loss to Hull City. Even Magpie, the Toon mascot, was photographed holding a poster stating, “No more Geordie cash for Ashley!” Things certainly are off the charts north of Hadrian’s Wall.

But is Mike Ashley really to blame for this mess or is he just misguided lad with too much money?

Billionaire Mike Ashley isn’t really a Cockney but he was born in Buckinghamshire and ranks 54th in the Sunday Times Rich List. Ashley has loved his football since attending the World Cup in Mexico in 1986 and was attracted to Newcastle by the myth that Toon fans were the best fans in football. In fact, Ashley believes that the fans are Newcastle United’s best asset. Ashley paid ₤134 million for the club and paid another ₤110 million just to reduce the debt. That’s right, reduce the debt.

Things were wrong at Newcastle United BEFORE Mike Ashley won the scorn of all illiterate Toon fans. Toon? Well, that’s the Geordie pronunciation of the word “town!” To really look into this situation, we really need to go back in time to see where things went wrong.

Newcastle United was formed in 1892 with the merger of Newcastle East End and Newcastle West End, rivals in the Northern League, as Newcastle West End had fallen into financial difficulties. Success was rapid for Newcastle United and they won their first league title in 1904/05 followed by more league titles in 1906-07 and 1908/09. The FA Cup followed in 1909/10. Success along with the lack of transportation and lack of nearby competition gave Newcastle United a strong base for fans. Sadly, Newcastle United would win the league title just once more, in 1926/27, but the FA Cup brought success on the club with victories in 1923/24, 1931/32, 1950/51, 1951/52 and 1954/55. The brilliant and storied history of success at St. James’ Park was over after 1955 and no domestic silverware would be won unless you count the Texaco Cup.

Still, even without silverware there was little competition for fans. The closest rivals are Sunderland, a mere ten miles away, and the Tyne-Wear derbies are heated events that pit city against city for the bragging rights of the county. Most southerners will look at Middlesbrough as a local for Newcastle thanks to the lack of teams “up norf” but Middlesbrough plays a hefty 34 miles away and is not considered local!

With a huge fan base, surely Newcastle would have been primed for success both fiscally and on the pitch. There is no doubt that the fans let their feelings known. The highest attendance in Newcastle history is 68,386 for the match against Chelsea in 1930. Why did so many Geordies show up for this one match? The fans showed up in huge numbers to welcome their former hero Hughie Gallacher who was the club’s most prolific scorer (143 goals in 174 games) but had been sold to Chelsea! Queue the mass hysteria and attendance. In fact, many thousands of fans were unable to get inside the stadium and were locked outside.

Could this event have shaped the club’s managerial policy into pleasing the fans at all costs? Since 1930, only two managers have had tenures of ten years or more; Stan Seymour and Joe Harvey, who departed in 1975. Since Joe’s departure, Newcastle have had 16 managers including such high profile figures as Osvaldo Ardiles, Kevin Keegan (twice), Kenny Dalglish, Ruud Gullit and Sir Bobby Robson. In fact, Newcastle is already on their sixth manager this century. This must-win to appease the fans who still believe the club is massive is finally killing the club in this period of high financial risk.

Run the club by appeasing the fans? Mike Ashley has certainly tried! In September last year, Ashley tried to wear his Alan Smith number 17 Newcastle shirt in the corporate box at Sunderland without permission to show the fans his true colours. After being denied, he sat in the away end and tried to buy all of the fellow “fans” a pint of lager at half-time. These gimmicks haven’t worked for him as they were not complimented by success on the pitch and the fans now want the “outsider” gone.

For his part, Ashley has been able to make himself an easy target for the fans by becoming a PR nightmare and embarrassing the club. From partying in New York and buying 175 bottles of Crystal champagne, to snubbing Dubai investors, who had low-balled his anticipated selling price, by missing a scheduled meeting with them to drink with Dennis Wise, his Director of Football, in the nearby Bahri Bar, he’s played his part.

The club is still in debt and still owes millions on transfer fees while current commercial deals were paid up front and spent before Ashley bought the club. Ashley bought a dog with fleas and did everything to keep the club’s number one asset happy; the fans.

Mike Ashley has now hired London-based Seymour Pierce to sell the club and wants an unreasonable figure of ₤480 million. This is far more than the Dubai investors are willing to pay although there is a Nigerian outfit out there willing to buy the club. Let’s hope Ashley pays attention to their needs of his initial wiring of money to a bank account in Abuja.

Until the fans step away from this “massive club” demand, Newcastle will continue with quick fixes that will never work. Kevin Keegan was never going to be the answer and neither will Alan Shearer. A new owner is obviously needed but the owner must place the fans second to the club before embarking on the business of finding the right manager who knows which players he needs to make the club tick. The club must break tradition and think long-term.
All the while we do it doggystyle. Yo muthafuckin ho!

Newcastle United + Nigeria = 419 Heaven

The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It's nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We'll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let's catch up on the latest haps from the "very big club".

Ashley, realizing that he's cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.

We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.
From: Prince Chris Nathaniel

Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,

I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.

I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.

However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.

If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.

Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
Prince Chris Nathaniel

This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what's good for him, he'll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That's straight juju right there.

All praise due to 419eater.com.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Somebody Call The Wahmbulance: Roger Clemens Is Needy Like McCready

Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D'oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn't like it.
"[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken," said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. "Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him."
Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won't explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.

Now I didn't watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let's be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it's no Shea Stadium but it's not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it's more important that the Roman Coliseum.

In Case You Missed It

Here's video of Ray Ray taking out a solider.

I think everyone from the U felt that hit. How do you think Jeremy Shockey got his hernia?

Guti Almost Caught A Beatdown From Helen Keller

Real Madrid's Guti is breathing a sigh of relief after almost getting beat down from a boxer. A deaf and dumb boxer. There's no shame in getting whupped by a professional but is there any if he's disabled?

Guti used to be tight with boxer Jorge Muñoz who is deaf. Some reports claim that he is also dumb. Muñoz has been unable to get a boxing licence from the Spanish Boxing Federation presumably because of his disabilities. Guti stood up for him and even wore shirts supporting his cause. For some reason, Guti stopped supporting Muñoz. Bad move.

Muñoz became furious over Guti's withdrawal of support. He began smashing windows like the Hulk and stalking the Real Madrid star. Things came to a head on Saturday when the two exchanged words and engaged in a car chase in which Guti tried to shake Muñoz by speeding into the Real Madrid training ground parking lot. Security tried to stop him but he slammed his car into them. We'll let the Guardian's Sid Lowe take it from here.
Two more security guards arrived on the scene to try to apprehend Muñoz but, as Marca brilliantly put it, "they came across a man who is very strong, physically prepared and his pugilistic knowledge."

Muñoz laid one out before the police arrived and eventually detained him, leaving him in custody and under a restraining order, Guti with bodyguards and some poor sod to clean up the blood at Valdebebas, while the headline writers gloried in Madrid's unimpressive but devastatingly effective 2-0 win in Santander: a victory that, according to both Marca and AS, demonstrated Madrid have "the knock-out power of a champion".
It's one thing to have a groupie stalker. It's another to be stalked by a deaf professional fighter. Why not add a jealous bear (animal or man) to the mix just to make it more interesting? When he says he can't hear you as you plead for mercy, he's not being facetious. It's also not clear how one can exchange words with a dumb person but I'm open to any explanation.

**Munoz is only deaf. He says that he is only 37% deaf. I suppose it's not quite Helen Keller.

What The Blood Clot?

Yes. That's Gandhi channeling Minor Threat's Ian MacKaye. Make of it what you will.

Via The Guardian.

Joey Porter Ain't Right In The Head

Don't go kicking balls over Joey Porter when he's warming up. He's liable to wreck your quarterback. It wasn't enough for Joey to talk shit about Matt Cassel. He wanted the Patriots to know he was for real when he talked about whuppin' that ass. Apparently the kickers didn't believe him.
As his Dolphins stretched on their side of midfield, Porter said the Patriots kickers and some coaches walked through the team’s stretching lines. Chris Hanson then began punting the ball from Miami’s end zone over the rows of Miami players.
Joey wasn't having any of that.
“I’ve been playing in the league for 10 years and I feel like I’ve done some crazy things, but I never did that,” Porter said. “You can’t walk right down the middle of somebody’s stretch and start kicking out of the end zone like we’re not even here, like they had the whole 100 yards. They just didn’t want their 50, they wanted our 50, too.”

“They knew what it was going to do to me,” Porter said. “It was going to get me fired up. I don’t know if it was an attempt to get me thrown out of the game, but I was smart enough to keep my cool. It was just very disrespectful.”
That's not crazy. That's just sick. What kind of person, let alone a kicker, would do something fucked up like that? Channing "Snow White" Crowder doesn't get it either.
“He hates stuff like that. They got him going. Why would they do that? He’s already crazy, and they just poured fuel on it.”
Baring his belly at the opposing team during warmups isn't provocative. Getting in the way of bullets outside of bars or stomping Levi Jones in a casino isn't crazy either. Good thing we have Joey Porter to stay cool and make sense of things in this messed up world. Then again what was the guy from "To Catch a Predator" doing on the field anyway? Who was he after?

Ryan Babel Knows What Time It Is Because He Just Bought A Watch

He also eats chicken cause that's how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it's no wonder Liverpool's Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter's doghouse. He can't get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.

He's not mumbling. He's rapping in Dutch. Here's your translation:

Rapping is my hobby
Rappers don’t want trouble
I'm the Liverpool star those bitches are loving
I know what time it is - I've just bought a new watch
I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down
Towel in the ring
My family in the V.I.P
No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken
Ya'll know nothing: this is the Premier League
Representing the G
You can see this nigga with number 19
Ya'll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team
Ya'll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it
Ya'll can't be like me, my status is too high
If rappers come to close, I have to take space
People watch YouTube to learn my actions
I have those skills, try some tricks
I was a poor nigga
Now I make fucking money
I went from the Euro to the English pound
I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing
I like it this way, I'm sure you like it
If somebody want beef, well come on
I like it with some pepper, homie
I'm sure in my life
Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs
And now my competition is past
If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right
If I was you, I would hate me too
I have the shit homie
I can’t even spend all my money
Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family
I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean
101 Barz - this is the first time but I came hard!
I came alone, I don't have a back-up
I came because I mean it
Check it

We shouldn't come down on him too hard. This isn't nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.

**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I've seen that Kobe video. That's a Rwanda-level atrocity.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Two countries separated by a common language

It is a widely-accepted quasi-fact that I loves me the soccer. Love it. Can’t get enough of it. Stupid for it. Pick whatever vaguely sexual metaphor you like and apply it to me and soccer and you will get the idea.

Because the quality of what is offered from our fair shores rarely strays out of the “meh” zone, I – and many others like me – get my fix by turning to soccer of the European variety, and most specifically the English Premier League. It’s like television or disgusting animal entrails euphemistically called “pudding”: if you want the really good stuff, you gotta go to England.

But I was still born and raised in this country, and my conception of professional sports was formed from watching them over here. When you start watching the EPL this mental framework leads to a slight disconnect when you realize that the English way of looking at sports is completely fucking insane. If you think too long about the differences you will slowly go mad, your brain eaten away by little gremlins that say “would you like a cup of tea?” while they devour your neurons.

There are a thousand little things, and most of them are terminology issues that you quickly assimilate like a second language. You learn that the standings are “the table,” that the game is played at a “ground” and not a stadium, and that the referee is actually a “wanker.” Other than that, you get used to singing profane songs while watching sporting events – “Fly Eagles Fly” has got nothing on “The Wanky Tottenham Hotspur” – and eventually getting up at 6AM on a Saturday to go to a bar to watch grown men kick a ball around on TV will become your new normal.

Two of these quirks, however, are so massive that they drive American sports fans – this one, at least – quite mad.

1) “History”

In the entire cosmology of sports, there is no single element more irrelevant to an individual contest than history. And this is in a world with things like DIPS, “quality starts,” and the save, the only statistic in which the phase of the moon is actually one of the deciding factors. English commentators and fans love to blather about history. Seriously. One of the popular songs sung against Chelsea fans actually has a line “you ain’t got no history.” It is beyond idiotic. It puts idiotic to shame. Idiotic cannot hold a brain-draining candle to the notion that history is a factor in whether your team is good or not.

To put it in context, a soccer fan COUGH Liverpool COUGH talking about their team’s brilliant “history” and/or/vis a vis your team’s lack thereof is roughly equivalent to a Jets fan claiming that they are - RIGHT NOW - better than, say, the Eagles because did you fucking SEE us in Super Bowl III? We kicked ASS twenty years before I was born!

I mean, if Jets fans weren’t charity cases as things stand now, can you imagine if they talked like that? They’d be euthanized to protect the future from their genes.

The fact that past glories, however many and varied, have absolutely no bearing on what’s going on down on a field right now is a completely alien concept to fans like this. What I eat for dinner five time zones away has about as much effect on Arsenal v. Newcastle as the history of the two teams, though in fairness there is very little anywhere that can have a positive effect on Newcastle.

Now it’s true that there are historical elements of soccer that are definite indicators of quality – Chelsea’s 85-game home streak without a loss, Real Madrid’s 943,000 trophies, Newcastle’s 53-year trophyless streak – but when Aston Villa plays Swansea in the FA Cup and we are told that Swansea hasn’t won at Villa Park since that famous day in 1941 blah blah blah yackity schmackity, it means absolutely jack shit unless we’re going to call in Herbert West, Reanimator to turn the guys who actually played that game into zombies and send THEM out on the pitch. If that were the case I might actually toss a ten-spot on Swansea at 14-1, but until something out of HP Lovecraft is involved please shut the almighty fuck up about history.

2) “Mind Games”

Can you imagine that, let’s say, the day before Patriots-Colts in the AFC Championship, Bill Belichick was asked at a press conference what he thought of the Colts and his answer was:

“Well, you know what, the Colts fucking blow. I swear to god Peyton Manning is such an assmonkey, it really makes me sick. Who the fuck do they think they are, anway? Look at them. Their guards are undersized, their safeties couldn’t bring down a figure skater, their linebackers are older than my grandmother, and I’m pretty sure Tony Dungy once sprained his back trying to suck his own cock.”

Okay, maybe Belichick isn’t the most unrealistic example in this specific case but imagine, like, Mike Tomlin saying that (after he heals from the two black eyes, swollen lip, and fractured coccyx Jim Johnson just gave him). The press would go BERSERK. ESPN would run it on a non-stop loop for weeks. He’d get fired 5 minutes later and Goodell would probably toss him in a re-education camp for good measure.

In the Premier League managers say shit just like this EVERY WEEK.

And instead of calling them crazy people, the press just labels it as “mind games” – I’m serious, that’s the exact phrase they use - and goes on to tell us what happened when Manchester United played Preston North End in 1902 and of what great import that is to their match tomorrow. It transcends insanity.

Now don’t get me wrong, behind closed doors I’m sure coaches in any sport in this country trash talk other teams. But you don’t slam the other guy in public. You express nothing but respect and admiration for your opponent and heap praise on them, even if you’re Joe Paterno and you’re “playing” Temple that week (and he did, I heard his press conference). That’s the kind of thing you learn in fucking high school. To publicly run down your opponents is so startlingly unprofessional I’m still blown away when they do it, and I just advocated a eugenics program to eliminate Jets fans for Chrissakes.

Yet this is a common practice over there. You actually have to go to classes for a year and get a fucking LICENSE to manage a Premiership team, and “don’t slam the other guy in the papers” apparently isn’t part of the curriculum. It boggles the mind.

Then again, this is a country that eats the parts of animals even Native Americans couldn’t find a use for, so prion diseases are probably a lot more common.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Karma Is A...Well You Know

This guy here is Bruce Marziani, he's from Philadelphia and he's a Dallas Cowboys fan...for no reason whatsoever. We all know people like this, from a town with thriving sports franchises yet rooting for another team from another town that probably has had some recent success or is the rival of the home team town and we all hate them. Being from DC, I know this phenomenon to be true all too often. Well, looks like the Football Gods have spoken against Bruce.

Bruce flew down to Dallas to watch his favorite team face his hometown Philadelphia Eagles, presumably so he didn't get beat up watching this same match-up at home later in the year, and he brought with him some autographed memorabilia to hopefully get some more signatures put upon them. Part of his collection he brought included a helmet signed by Troy Aikman he said was valued at $900 and a NFL Cowboy game autographed program worth around $700 (i know, seems high right?). All of this must have severly angered the Football Gods because for some reason, he left that stuff in his hotel room during the game and someone broke in and stole them along with his computer and camera.

Sucks for the guy if the story is true, but why didn't he bring that stuff with him if he was trying to get some more autographs on them? And why didn't he bring his camera with him if he was going to the football game? Did he just forget the whole reason why he went to the game? And if he had over $1500 of valuables in his room...why didn't he lock any of it up? Has he ever stayed in a hotel room before?

Of course its wrong to blame the victim, but i'm just saying, karma is a bitch...root for your home team or the Football Gods will apparently deal with you in unfortunate ways. Its not his fault his stuff got jacked, but it is his fault he's a Dallas fan and for that, there are consequences.

Via MyFoxPhilly


"That's right bitch, make it shine for Ray Ray"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Oh Lord Jesus, Disaster Averted

Pedro Ain't Havin' None Of What Jorge Posada's Selling

Jorge Posada doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. He decided to go there and revisit the infamous 2003 Red Sox-Yankees brawl which resulted Pedro tossing Don Zimmer like a Mississippi River sandbag.

Posada, in an interview with Michael Kay on the YES network's Centerstage, didn't hold back.
"I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer," Posada said. "It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class."
Pedro took Posada's comments with a grain of salt and laughed them off ... Yeah not so much.
"When I pointed to the head, it wasn't precisely to tell him that I wanted to hit him in the head," Martinez said. "Nah. He's a human being, he has a family, and I'm a professional. [The pointing to the head] was because he cursed my mom. I was telling him, 'I'll remember that.' "

"He knows - he's Latin, as much as he pretends to be American, he's Latin - that cursing your mom in Latin America will get you into a fight," Martinez said. "That's something I would never do to his mom, because she doesn't play. She's not on the field. She's someone you admire and respect, and I didn't like that."
The New York Post called Pedro livid and called his response blistering. Can't you sense the rageahol coursing through his veins? Jorge better watch himself. He saw what happened to the old man. Does he think Pedro would hold back on him? He might catch a midget upside the head if he's not careful.

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto

Rubbed down with spices or beat with a 8-inch sausage? Potato, Potahto. Let's call the whole thing off.

We can't do this story justice so we'll just give it to you straight, no chaser.
FRESNO, Calif. — A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond said a suspect was found in a nearby field and taken into custody. Deputies, he said, had no problem linking a suspect to the crime: "It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID."

Arrested was a 22-year-old Fresno resident.

The spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, were taken from the victims' kitchen.

He said money that had been taken was recovered, but the sausage was discarded and eaten by a dog. "That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.
I don't know how they get down in Fresno but if this is the regular, it's no wonder David Carr is so gun-shy. I'd hate to go to sleep wondering if I'll make it through the night without being assaulted with food. However if I have to be thrashed with food, I prefer the pig and salted meats above all others.

Since we didn't give you the visual hotness this story deserves and Metropolitan Seafood refuses to have the cow, lobster and chicken carry the pig on their shoulders, we give you Straight, No Chaser by the Thelonious Monk Quartet live from Paris, 1969.

Via The Seattle Times

Will Manchester United Rock "US Fed" Jerseys?

The US government finally stepped in with an $85 billion loan to save AIG's ass after several banks backed away like someone just hurled on the conference table. Apparently AIG is too big to fail but Lehman Brothers isn't. Don't worry, we're getting to the sports.

AIG, in addition to being a clusterfuck, is also the shirt sponsor of Manchester United. Their four-year, £56.5 million sponsorship deal with Man U is the largest in English soccer. So this begs the question. What design should Man U have on their jersey now that the AIG is the US government's bitch? The Fed Seal is always good. Fuck yeah.

I suck with the Photo Shoppin' so pass on some ideas in the comments or send along some designs. We'll make the best designs into t-shirts so you can show your bandwagon support for Manchester U. Go team!! De-fense!!

Too bad XL (West Ham) didn't have a savior. Oh wait, they did. Themselves. West Ham's owner was propping up XL but decided not to refinance the debt. As of now, they will play with no sponsor. Feel free to also pass along any thoughts on who should be West Ham's sponsor.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Carl Lewis Hate Usain Bolt's Game

Don't front like the thought hasn't crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm not saying he's juiced but Carl Lewis is.

Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,
“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”
The Times of London calls Lewis' comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn't tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.

Lewis also calls out Jamaica's drug testing setup.
“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”
There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.

Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. "Him dead and him don't even know it!" One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.
Let's not forget other famous world class athlete smokers such as Mario Lemieux and John Elway.

DeSean Jackson Is A Donkey

A good donkey but still a donkey. Check out this brilliant play by him from the first half of last night's scorefest between the Eagles and Cowboys. DeSean decided to celebrate a touchdown before crossing the goaline with hilarious results. Let's go to the tape.

FanIQ also has a picture of Jackson from high school (via Fark) where he did almost the same thing with some flair. Diving and landing on the 1-yard line. Straight cash homey.

Yeah, playboy. Leon Lett salutes your vigor. Oh and fuck you for stealing 12 points away from me by denying McNabb a touchdown.

Last night's game was insane. If you went to bed early like some or live in DC and lost your cable and internet in the first quarter like Chimp Rage, you missed what might end up being the best game of the season. Both teams decided to play defense like the Rams for our pleasure and Tony Kornheiser lost his mind more than usual when trying to wax poetic about the Cowboys. This game had everything except defense.

Thanks to FanIQ for the video and picture.
We already know that Vince Wilfork's** wife Bianca almost missed their wedding because she was up $40,000 in roulette while in Vegas. There's also this nugget about her from Sunday's Pats-Jets game.
"She was wearing a jersey with No. 75 on it, with "Wifey" on the back. Hundreds of red and clear Swarovski crystals were stitched into the jersey letters and numbering."
Nothing says school on a Saturday like a blinged out jersey with the name "Wifey" on the back.

** Woolfork if you're Norm!.

We're Not Sayin', We're Just Sayin'

1/2 game. 13 games left. That's all we're sayin'.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Call The Wahmbulance: Laveranues Coles Needs A Hug

Chad Pennington goes deep (for him) to Elmo.

Perhaps the Jets should buy Laveranues Coles a blowup doll of Chad Pennington. He could talk to it, lay with it and remember all the special times that he used to share with his good ol' buddy.

Coles hasn't gotten over the loss of Chad Pennington due to the arrival of Brett Favre. To his credit (?), he hasn't been extremely vocal but he needs to get over it. He's all broken up because the Jets decided to upgrade the QB position and give themselves a shot at the postseason.
"I don't have a feel for him and he doesn't have a feel for me," Coles said yesterday of his on-field relationship with Favre. "That is one of the things I am going to have to deal with. In the past I've always known when the ball was coming. Now you don't really know."

Coles, who missed the four preseason games with a hamstring injury, has not sounded enthusiastic about having Favre as his quarterback and didn't again yesterday, but he said Sunday that's a product of loyalty toward Pennington.
Wah. Sorry the Jets decided to get a QB who can throw the ball more than seven yards. Sorry they decided to think about what was best for the team as opposed to Coles' feelings. Next time the Jets decide to make a personnel move, Eric Mangini and Woody Johnson should come to Coles and ask how it would make him feel. Even Nicolas Anelka doesn't want to hear it anymore.

There's nothing wrong with being upset over losing a friend but Coles might want to remember that this is a business and not a support group. He has been seen laughing and talking with Favre and their lockers are next to each other.

If Coles wants to win, he'll realize that Favre is the best chance he'll ever have of accomplishing anything on the Jets. Then again he did request a trade to the Jets so he can't be that interested in success. This is the same guy who whined about the lack of big plays on the Redskins yet wouldn't get surgery to fix his toe. Maybe he doesn't have chemistry with Favre because he missed the preseason. It's your job to adjust so get on with it. No one wants to hear bitching about former teammates. It happens all the time. There are these things called phones and the interwebs. Learn them. Use them. Love them.

Maybe we've been too hard on Laveranues. We'll leave you with a tribute to LC and his buddy CP.

Matthew Etherington Owes What He Owes

"Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates' hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?"
It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He's lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.

Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn't his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were "nasty and personal" as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.
That's right, MLS. Expand to the city with possibly the worst sports fans in the country. It didn't work last time so it has to work this time.

Jason Collins Attacked By Golf Cart

Jason Collins gets a "Funji" hand job from Tim Duncan. That's the effort that makes Big Fundamentals an All-Star.

I've been to Minneapolis and I can tell you that it's not a bad town. It gets hella cold but you don't have to go above ground during winter. There's certainly no need to attempt ending your basketball career over a trade to the Timberwolves. Mark Madsen tried it last year on a jet ski and now Jason Collins is laid up after an accident with an unlikely explanation.

Collins will miss training camp and the first week of the season after crashing a golf cart in California. The official story is that the cart flipped after hitting a wet surface. He underwent surgery on his triceps tendon in his elbow and will be out for eight weeks.

The wet spot excuse? Really? No one likes the wet spot but that's a bit much. I would have gone for the racialist angle. The cart had a problem with a black man on a golf course even though he was clean and well-spoken. He was even a KA in college. Sheeeit, that's straight Confederate right there. There's no word on whether he was found with his pants down and a porno playing in the cart. What? Too soon?

Pennsylvania Interscholatic Athletic Association Hearts Child Molesters

I guess one child molester among a group of referees is understandable. Don't all referees stuff the flag down the pants so everyone knows who got the penalty? It's hard to separate the professionals from the predators. However multiple molesters and kiddie porn purveyors are just unacceptable.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette investigation of the PIAA has uncovered dozens of referees with criminal backgrounds who have worked for the PIAA since 2005.
Along with child pornography and molestation charges, sports officials -- who are paid between $30-$70 a game -- have been convicted of gun crimes, drug offenses, assaults, animal abuse, fraud, various forms of theft, crimes of falsity, drunken driving and auto accidents that caused deaths.

Despite those troubling findings, Bradley R. Cashman, executive director of the PIAA, says there is no need for his organization to require officials to undergo criminal background checks. The PIAA relies instead on a self-reporting system that has become a don't-tell-don't-ask policy.
Let's put the criminal records aside for a moment. Don't ask, don't tell is the policy when it comes to people who are going to be around children?
The Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic Association's position opposing criminal background checks for athletic officials is based on the notion refs are never in unsupervised one-on-one situations with students. Though partially funded by tax dollars, the PIAA also maintains it is not bound by state laws requiring checks on anyone in contact with children ... The PIAA has contended it has sufficient checks and balances in its own regulatory process over officials, and forcing background checks on the state's 13,700 officials would create an expensive regulatory nightmare.
Parents will be pleased to know their son or daughter might get a dick in the ass because it's too expensive to check out the ref. They're never one on one on the field so parents shouldn't worry about it. I mean really, why is everyone making a big stink about this? So what if a ref decides to let one loose while thinking about your son or daughter? No harm, no foul. Right?

Referees who have been convicted of various charges were allowed to continue working for the PIAA. One didn't have his refereeing license revoked until he was sent to federal prison. That was almost two years after he faced charges for distributing kiddie porn.

Gary Glitter dropped in with a comment.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Shawn Kemp And Travis Henry Have Nothing On Gabriel Agbonlahor

Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel "Gabby" Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa's first game of the season. That's good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That's bad.

See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It's long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.

Here's where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn't let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.

Stay with us. It's about to get "stupider". #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn't ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn't having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3's baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.

Congratulations if you're still with this and you're aren't drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn't figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they're all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It's Shawn Kemp's world and you're about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.

Usain Bolt Is Bored With You

Usain Bolt is apparently bored with making his competition look like bitches. He's beaten all comers and set records in all of his events. These activities no longer amuse him so he's going to start training with Real Madrid.
“I've watched van Nistelrooy from when he was with Manchester United, so I know he's a great, great guy so I look forward to meeting these guys.''
In other words, he's looking forward to owning them too.

The Juice Won't Be Loose Much Longer

Maybe OJ Simpson will wish he was better at stealing satellite signals. If he was, he might not be facing jail time like he ... Who the hell are we kidding? It's OJ. He'd do something eventually although he probably didn't count on getting beat down by his daughter.

Now it looks like his time is finally up. After a contentious voir dire, an all-white jury was seated in his current case. He's fucked.

Abu Dhabi Welcomes Man City Fans To The Middle Eastlands

There's been quite an stir in Manchester since the Abu Dhabi Oil Concern swooped in and bought Manchester City from everyone's favorite human rights advocate and former non-corrupt Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Unlike Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, City's owners wasted little time in addressing their fans about their plans for the club.

Fuck a five-year plan. When you're richer than astronauts, it's all about the one-year plan. Now that's change you can believe in.