Thursday, August 28, 2008

Travis Henry Has More Important Things To Do Then Play Football


In case you've been wondering why acquitted weed lover and Shawn Kemp protege Travis Henry hasn't hooked up with any of the NFL teams in sore need of a proven 1200-yard ball carrier (we're looking at you, Houston), the answer isn't that he's been blackballed by the league (although in all seriousness, the Deuce is pretty sure that is the real reason), or that he's taken a roadie position on the Cheech and Chong reunion tour, or even that he's hanging around the Pepsi Center on a PUMA safari. No -- Travis is unavailable because he's fighting America's greatest enemies, in the heart of Colorado:

It started innocently enough: Qatar-based al-Jazeera decided it would film the locals in Golden, the home of Coors beer, as they watched the convention from a biker bar Wednesday night. This would allow al-Jazeera's viewers to see Bill Clinton and Joe Biden through the eyes of those in a small American town that could pass as a set for a Hollywood Western.

City leaders at first offered to host a pork-free barbecue for the Jazeera crew, then abandoned that plan when angry residents protested. But the Buffalo Rose, a 150-year-old saloon here catering to bikers, offered to let al-Jazeera broadcast from its bar.

The result: a sort of 21st-century shootout at the O.K. Corral on Wednesday night under the shadow of Lookout Mountain, where Buffalo Bill is buried.

Word spread that three rival biker gangs -- the Sons of Silence, the Banditos and the Hell's Angels -- declared a truce for the night so they could meet at the Buffalo Rose in a united protest against al-Jazeera. But the network stood its ground and set up its cameras.

Across the street from the bar, two dozen protesters under the watchful eye of a statue of Adolph Coors waved American flags, blew air horns and revved motorcycle engines. "Al Jazeera is terrorism," announced one sign. "Go home, Al Jazeera -- Voices for al Qaeda and bin Laden," proclaimed another. The protesters had shirts printed up for the occasion, saying "Buffalo Rose/Tokyo Rose" in English and Arabic, although they botched the Arabic translation. One biker covered his T-shirt in thoughtful, handwritten messages, such as "Islam Sucks" and "Al-Jazeera: Anti-American Pond Scum." . . .

The regulars at Buffalo Rose took the Qatari invasion, and the demonstration, in stride. "Al-Jazeera? Is he here? Where is he?" inquired Travis Henry, sipping a Bud Light.


There you have it. Travis Henry, freed from the petty iron grip of Roger Goodell and Pat Bowlen, has joined a biker resistance group dedicated to saving America -- or at least the glorious state of Colorado, which Travis has so embraced -- from the scourge of Islamofascism. Even the most rabid NFL fan would agree that his cause is far nobler than three yards and a cloud of dust.

We have to believe this is he case, as there obviously could only be one dude in Colorado named Travis Henry. At least only one who thinks that Al Jazeera is some guy, and not a TV network. That's gotta be Our Travis. Semper fi, brother.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Nothing To Declare Here


You know you're one hell of a child molester when Thailand says, "Dude, you're fucked up." Well done, Gary. Well done. Dah dah dah dah hey!

David Hasselhoff Needs Another Drink

Check out this video from last night's broadcast of "America's Got Talent". Here's the Hoff making an utter ass out of himself (yet again) by complimenting the contests for being "...as American as the Olympics are". That's right, because nothing is more American than the Olympics, just ask the Greeks...assclown.

So This is What Shaun Alexander Has Been Up To

Not much has been heard of Shaun Alexander this off-season other than his agent guaranteeing that he will be playing somewhere in 2008...although some in Seattle might say that not much has been heard of Shaun Alexander since the beginning of last season before he pretty much disappeared from relevance on the football field. Well, Shaun has resurfaced as the "virtual host" of HGTVPro.com's Builders Football league, a weekly pick 'em league for contractors, remodelers, and home improvement enthusiasts.
Online at the "BFL big screen," fans can watch exclusive interviews with Alexander, who is the Seahawks all-time leading rusher and was the NFL's MVP in 2005. Videos include candid commentary on his favorite football moments, his memories playing college ball at the University of Alabama, and even his passion for environmentally friendly building. "I've always been interested in home improvement and green construction, so hopefully I'll learn a few things through this connection to the guys at HGTVPro!" he added.

Yes, I'm sure he's really excited about this development. Shaun has to do something about his agent. Certainly a former NFL MVP and star running back can do better than sponsoring a HGTV spin-off site while sitting around waiting for his phone to ring? Is he really that much of a d-bag or is it that sponsors can't stand his Jebus talk and running out of bounds before he's hit like the rest of us?

Next Stop For Usain Bolt: Pants-Off Dance-Off


We can't wait until Jacques Rogge criticizes Usain Bolt for excessive celebration for engaging in this dance off with Asafa Powell. Never mind the oppression and censorship in the background. Then again he'll probably be too busy planning for the Naypyidaw Olympics.



It's not quite Turbo and Ozone but this is so much better than watching Patra dance. I haven't been able to watch Jamaicans dance since seeing her shake it in a video. That voice. Those nails. There was no question who was doing the fucking and it wasn't me. The nightmares were like Freddy Krueger into dream. Hold me...
Wayman Tisdale had part of his right leg amputated yesterday due to bone cancer in the appendage. "Everything went well" said his wife. Thankfully, he should still be able to play some sweet jazz music starting in the fall.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Douchification Of America Continues


Somebody call the wahmbulance for America's parents. They disbanding Little League teams because they have pitchers who throw real hard.

Nine-year old Jericho Scott has skills. When I say the boy has skills, I mean he has a 40 mph fastball. Instead of encouraging him, the Youth Baseball League of New Haven is trying to shut him down.

The league told him coach that Scott wasn't allowed to pitch any more because he throws too hard. The coach ignored the edict and sent him to the mound for the next game. Get this. The opposing manager forfeited, packed up and left. Wah! Way to man up.

Now the league is disbanding Scott's team, sending the players to other teams and refunding money. It said Scott's coach, Wilfred Vidro resigned but he's unaware of any resignation. Allegations are floating around that these actions are being taken because Scott refused to join the defending league champion who is sponsored by an employer of a league administrator. The league denies the allegations and says it is trying to protect the other players. It's probably a coincidence that Scott's team was 8-0 and rolling towards the playoffs when they shut him down.

Of course the kid feels like it's his fault. "I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play."

Regardless of motive, this is the definition of a a bitch move. It's another example of how organized sports in this country are starting to turn kids into sniveling douches who are told that being good is a fault. Why not allow other kids to face him and get better by facing the best? It's not like they'd have to face Scott every day. What is it about this country that has stopped parents from encouraging kids to be the best they can be? What happened to facing down adversity? Now they try to protect kids from every little thing that could be perceived as a threat or danger. Children taught to turn tail, run and sue instead of fighting and striving to get better. The kids on the forfeiting team probably got trophies for showing up that day. You brave little buckeroos.

Congrats to the parents for using children as pawns in their bullshit games over things that shouldn't even matter like Little League Baseball. If Scott is such a danger, why were his services sought for the defending league champion? If this is just about him, why would they can the manager and disband the team over one pitcher? This situation walks, talks and smells like bullshit.

What are the chances Rafael Nadal made A-Rod cry when he told Menudo to shut up? I'll let the manpris slide today.

The BBC Knows How To Stay Classy


Damn. BBC Commentator Chris Price went way over the line in describing the Bradford City defense this past weekend. He didn't just go over the line. He went back and destroyed it.
Reporter Chris Price was speaking live on air when he said Rochdale 'were making more holes in the Bradford defence than in a Spanish aircraft'.

He was speaking on Saturday just three days after a Spanair plane crashed at Barajas International airport in Madrid killing at least 153 people.
BBC Radio Manchester issued an apology after numerous complaints from listeners. Just wait until they hear that a BBC reporter complained that the BBC isn't doing enough to humanize the Taliban. They'll love that.

Browns Fans Sh*t Themselves Over Sh*t Brown Pants

That's it, Cleveland. It's the pants that make you suck. Not dating site icon Brady Quinn.

The Browns wore chocolate brown pants for the first time in their history when they were molested by the Giants last Monday. Don't let the final score fool you. Browns fans weren't feeling the loss or the pants. Their loss had everything to do with the pants and nothing to do with the porous o-line and medicore quarterback.

Brady probably liked the molestation and the pants. We know he loves him some chocolate. This all sounds a bit racialist if you ask me. The Deuce does not approve of anti-deuce sentiments or behavior especially from anyone native to a city whose river has caught on fire.

Here Comes The Hotstepper. Murderer. No Really Murderer

I'm not sure whether the British are trying to one up the Chinese but if they are, it's a noble start. There's no way the 2012 London Olympics could even begin to approach the CGI greatness of the Beijing opening and closing ceremonies. I guess they decided to go after the world's heart in a different way by advertising their murderers instead of hiding behind state-sponsored subterfuge.



A montage of British achievement played behind British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and London mayor Boris Johnson as they promoted the 2012 Olympics in the UK. One of the images was of Myra Hindley otherwise known as the Moors Murderer. Hindley and her man kidnapped, sexually abused, tortured and killed four children back in the 60s. She also enjoyed the works of Adolf Hitler and the Marquis de Sade in her spare time. Good times!

Brown/Johnson was reported to be mighty pissed off but they had no worries. Hindley's image was created from children's hand prints. That's so sweet. I think that fact just gave myself diabetes.

A spokesman for Visit Britain said that "the inclusion of the controversial work showed that there was no 'censorship' in the UK but promised to withdraw it immediately". Riiiiight. It doesn't make sense to remove the image when Britain has had a solid line of quality murderers. Jack the Ripper must be rolling in his grave.

Good Thing Evander Holyfield Isn't A Woman And On The LPGA Tour

I know she can speak English. Just shut up and look.

Emmanuel Steward, Mike Tyson and Edgerrin James better watch out as well. They'd all be screwed if they were women on the LPGA tour and the LPGA is serious about a language requirement. Starting in 2009, players will be required to pass an English language oral assessment if they've been on the tour for two years. If they fail, they'll be suspended.

A group of Korean players was informed of the new rules at a meeting during the Safeway Classic. Out of 121 players, 45 are Korean.
Hilary Lunke, president of the Player Executive Committee, said much of this initiative stems from the importance of being able to entertain pro-am partners. Players already are fined if the LPGA receives complaints from their pro-am partners.
The tour says it will offer tutoring and other support services. Korean players interviewed by Foxsports.com agreed that it was important for international players to be able to speak English and didn't seem bothered by the threat of suspension. At first glance, the rule does seem to be a bit harsh even though players get two years from qualification to reach a level of "conversation, survival and 'golfspeak'". However the players don't have a problem with the rule and it serves as encouragement for the players to learn Engrish. Who am I to argue, super awesome cool boss man? Dae Han Min Gook!!
Apparently Jay Feely doesn't see the absolute lack of talent that exists in Kansas City. Vonnie Holliday and Channing Crowder are offended.

Monday, August 25, 2008

To Be A Phillie Is To Know Misery


If there is one thing I hate about myself...

Well actually there are at least four, possibly five, but right now the biggest one is that I have to be lumped in with the drooling, quivering mass that is Philadelphia sports fans. That this is due to nothing more than a cruel twist of fate (i.e. I grew up in Philadelphia) is one of a number of ironies that most of the OTHER members of this august body practically swim in, for a vast majority of cases unbeknownst to them I am sure.

Take, for example, Mister James Calvin Rollins. You know him!


He's that guy who you used to call simply "MVP" until he had the temerity to say something you didn't like. Honestly, the unmitigated gall of the man! To call you, in so many words, fair-weather fans.

Guess what, assbags? He's right.

All Jimmy Rollins did was point out the irony-cum-stupidity of a fanbase that demands constant, unending perfection to twelve decimal places from players in a sport where being successful four times out of ten is an lofty, Gisele-Bundchen-sunning-topless-on-your-backyard-deck unattainable wet dream.

One day you're chanting "MVP!" and the next when he mentions that, hey, this shit is REALLY FUCKING HARD and would it kill you guys to kinda maybe not be such gigantic dicks all the time? You're booing him.

You wonder why players here say things like this? Do you really?

You had Allen Iverson, a five-foot-nothing hundred-and-nothing scrawny little dynamo flinging himself bodily at giants twice his size and getting the absolute everloving shit kicked out of himself on a nightly basis for your entertainment, and you ran him out of town on a rail. You have, in Donovan McNabb, AT WORST the third- or fourth-best quarterback in football and the most athletically-talented human being to play ANYTHING in this city in a generation, and some of you actually think the Eagles should dump his ass and start AJ Feeley. AY-FUCKING-JAY FEELEY! There's a world where AJ Feeley is better than McNabb, and its most famous denizen's catchphrase is "Me am Superman!"

You know why we haven't had a championship in 25 years? Because WE DON'T FUCKING DESERVE ONE! Karma, bitches. Wait for the wheel, as my old gramma used to say. You get what you give. No, wait, sorry, that's the New Radicals.


That and, I dunno, some stupid shit about a hat on a statue.

The important, knowing is half the battle lesson in all of this is that you dickwads should be nicer to J-Roll, because in a couple years when the Phillies ownership (quite possibly the only group of bigger dickwads than Philadelphia sports fans) remembers that they don't actually give a flying fuck and trade Rollins for fifty bucks and a pallet of Country Time Pink Lemonade mix (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PINK LEMON!), you're gonna be crying in your beers when he wins a World Series someplace else.

At least that will be the first time that happened...


Ah, shit...


Ah, SHIT!

Okay, fine, at least Donovan McNabb will hopefully only win three Super Bowls when we trade him to Da Bears next year.

(If someone could Photoshop me a picture of D-Mac in a Bears uniform, yeah, that'd hit the spot.)

Oh, and, er, hello. Good to be here.

There's Only One Boss Around Here And That's Me! I Am The HHIC

When you're the head hurler in charge, you can carry a hurling stick and curse people out like Joe Clark (Benson's no joke so watch the language). County Waterford hurling coach David "Davy Fitz" Fitzgerald gave one of the greatest halftime talks ever and one of his players was quick enough to record it for posterity. This is incredibly NSFW due to language but well worth it if you can get away with it.



William Wallace has nothing on Davy Fitz. You should watch this every day before you work, eat, shit and drink.

Chief Zee Is Not Happy With CBS

Unofficial Washington Redskins Mascot, Chief Zee, is not at all happy with losing CBS' "Most Fierce Mascot Competition" to the Baltimore Ravens' Poe and he wants the whole friggin world to know. Apparently Zee won the vote, but due to some alleged ballot stuffing, CBS determined that Poe, the cuddly stuffed bird (hardly fierce in my mind), was the true winner of the contest. Check out his unsolicited commentary on the matter here in a fan's video with the old guy. Zee is lookin pretty fierce in this video, his chompers look like they could fly out at any moment.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

I imagine this is what it's like for Jon Kitna every season when he predicts a 10 win season and then gets his ass handed to him.



That's a Tony Jaa exit right there. I don't know who the winner is but he's definitely ready for the Kumite. Maximum points for knocking out Lil' Wayne too.

Friday, August 22, 2008

5 Other Ways Baseball Can Modernize The Game

Now that baseball has proven that they can adapt to the modern times by adopting Instant Replay, we at the Deuce think it's time for the great American past time to take a few more steps to becoming a modern day sporting bonanza. Here's a few other ways that we think Major League Baseball can take steps towards modernizing the game for the 2000s.

1) Allow Cheerleaders

The NFL has them, the NBA has them, NHL even has rink girls, baseball needs cheerleaders. Who wouldn't rather see a bunch of cheerleaders dancing on the dugout instead of homer run homer? Baseball has to realize, like all the other sports already have, that sex sells and people need that sexually charged visual stimuli when there is a break in the action...which there are a ton of in a typical baseball game. Teams in Latin America and the minor leagues have already thought of this, the pros need to up their game.
2) Turn on a Pitch Clock

Think of what the 24 second clock and the 35 second clock have done for basketball and football. They've sped up the game and made it more enjoyable with constant action and less farting around. With a pitch clock, the pitcher would have something like 15 seconds to get the pitch off from the moment that he catches the ball from his catcher. No more shaking off pitches and running through the count again, no more constant glances to a base with no throw, no more standing around playing with the rosin bag and scratching yourself waiting for something to happen. If the pitch isn't thrown, the batter gets an automatic ball.

3) Screw It, No More Umps, Computerize it all.

Baseball is not a game where a human's discretion really should into play. There are no penalties or fouls. There is just whether the ball is inside or outside lines, whether the player touches a base and whether the ball touches the player or not. Certainly, the current margin of error can be erased with modern technology. With instant replay now in effect, baseball has made a great stride but it is time for them to go all the way. Tennis employs the Hawk Eye technology which can be used for line calls, cricket is testing it out right now as well, so why can baseball not use them for foul lines?

Baseball has already tested out the Questec system for balls and strikes, why not use it full time? This would take out individual strike zones for umpires favoring pitchers or batters on any given night. It'll be a level playing field for all.

For whether or not a player is out, bio-kinetic sensors and microchips in the balls, gloves and bases could easily tell if contact with a player was made before contact with a bag was made no longer making the ghost base tag force out allowable. The game would finally be played the way it was supposed to be played without umpire's personal preferences getting in the way.

4) No More Rainouts

Be a man, get wet you pansies. No real sport played outdoors cancels a game because it is raining or snowing. Nascar will do it because you're in a vehicle flying around a track at 200mph and its a bit dangerous to bank when you're hydroplaning. Tennis and Cricket will do it because...well because they are a bunch of pansies. Baseball should strive to be tougher than tennis and cricket players. Dangerous lighting is a perfectly good reason to stop a game, but rain? Come on, you play outside, deal with the weather.

5) Relegation

This would redefine modern baseball as we know it. Take a page from the English Premiership and force the lowest performing teams drop down, out of the Majors, and allow the best lower level league teams move up to the Majors. Crazy? Sure it is, but will it force bottom feeders like the Royals and the Nationals to get their shit together and get it together quick or there will be no more MLB television revenue coming in. Its a reward system for not sucking and makes the super long regular season almost more meaningful than the playoffs and certainly more meaningful than it currently is.

So here's how it would be done. The easy way to do it is to take the 3 worst teams from each league right now, 6 teams overall and drop them down into the newly created lower level that we will for now call AAAA. Baseball functioned quite fine before the expansions to 26 then 30 teams with a 162 game schedule and it will again. Then, add in 2 expansion teams to the new league make it a nice 8 team league (like the AL and the NL were before expansion in the 60s) and have them play the old 154 game schedule. Bingo bango you now have the Major League Baseball - Premier League of 24 teams and the Major League Baseball AAAA League of 8 teams. Every year, the worst team in the AL and NL would drop down to the 4A league and be shamed and the best 2 teams would pop up to the Premier league.

Now that is exciting baseball. The Nationals right now are no more than a AAAA league team anyway, they should be playing against teams that are more their level until they can make it up to professional standards.

Man...one can dream.

Baseball photo by Matt McGee

This Announcer Has A Firm Grasp of History

Its difficult to really understand what on EARTH announcer Willie Oviedo was thinking when he came up with this Anchorman like Olympics history lesson.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Fire In The Hole

Proctologists prepare to enter Charles Barkley's ass.

Sir Charles loves him some golf and Patron. Add colonoscopies to the list of things he loves.

Old Chinese Women Kill Olympic Buzz


Stupid old hags. You old Chinese women have some nerve. Protesting about abuses and corruption. Don't they know the Olympics are happening? Don't they know all is well and there's nothing to see in China besides the glory of the Middle Kingdom? Don't you know your home was sacrificed for the betterment of the country? Can't you see NBC is filming an infomercial about all the wonderful things China has to offer? Re-education through labor will make you see how your request to protest would ruin everything. Sluts.

At Least Oliver McCall Didn't Run

Sure he may have cried but he didn't run. That's more than Jerry "Harm's Way" Hackney can say.




Via The Comedy Feed

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Kneel Before Fat P*ssy Toad


I can see it now. Hideki Irabu moping at the bar and flicking peanuts at the bartender before being told to pay his tab and get the fuck out. "Why peanut no work for Fat Pussy Toad? Work for Supaman ... BANZAI!!!"

The former Yankees pitcher was arrested in Osaka after "assaulting a bartender after drinking 20 mugs of beer". He flew into a rage after his credit card was rejected. He "pushed the bartender against the wall, grabbed his hair, smashed at least nine liquor bottles ... and paid the bill with another credit card."

That must have really messed with the bartender. Kamikaze rage to "Oh wow, I'm so sorry. I have no idea why my card doesn't work. I'm not even close to my limit." Maybe he transformed into Fat Pussy Toad like David Banner into the Hulk. That must have been a sight for everyone in the bar. A shaking toad full of rageahol paying its tab with a credit card. They'll give credit to anyone or anything these days.

Stop The Presses! Celebrity Exaggerates About Sports Allegiance!


John Cusack might think he'd be better off dead after his last entry on The Huffington Post. He wrote about his childhood memories of going to Cubs games at Wrigley Field. You say how nice. Well they would be if they were true.

Page Six is all over Cusack as people have been coming out of the woodwork to point out the numerous inconsistencies and "mistruths" littering his post.
Wrigley Field and all-things-Cubs, when Jose Cardenal was the only player who could really play. When it was Mick Kelleher and Larry Biittner and George " the Baron" Mitterwald -- and Pete LaCock on first base and "Tarzan" Joe Wallis in centerfield. And Bruce Sutter with that unhittable split-fingered fastball... Ride the El up from Evanston, change on the Howard line and take the Express to Wrigley -- which I did as many times as I could scrape together $2.50 for a one-way kamikaze mission, and another $1.75 for bleacher seats, then steal hot dogs and Cokes from the vendors before taking the train home after the game...
Bloggers everywhere have gone to town on the post. He's so choked up over his childhood memories that he can't remember when players like Sammy Sosa played or how to spell their names. Someone from the Beechwood Reporter has no sympathy for the rich kid living on Sheridan Ave. in Evanston scraping together $1.75 from the money tree on his front lawn. Let's not even talk about getting Red Line service wrong.

Ah whatever. The point Cusack's trying to make is a good one and one that I happen to support. Chicago is a great sports town. However you should probably get your facts straight if you're going to put yourself out there. Legions of bloggers in their mom's basements have nothing better to do than rip you apart if you slip. Then again we also can't be too judgmental. He is writing from Bangkok. He's probably chock-a-block with ladyboy cock and busy betting on elephant polo. I'm surprised he had time to write even with Arianna on his ass.

Eat The Clock: Competitive Eating Comes To Food Network


I don't know if Food Network can ever make up for imposing Rachel Ray and The Neelys on us. However Eat The Clock could be a good start.

Eat The Clock is a competitive eating show described in the Hollywood Reporter as "a cross between an eating competition and 'The Amazing Race.' Two teams of contestants follow clues to various Los Angeles eateries and enjoy culinary treats."

Upon further review, it seems that gluttony won't be a big part of the show. Food Network is turning into a cocktease. Fuck them. Who wants another version of the Amazing Race? "I know, let's copy the Amazing Race and limit it to one city! People will love that! Next season, we can do it in Wilmington!"

The show should be a cross between a competitive eating contest and the Running Man. Imagine Eric "Badlands" Booker (pictured above) chasing the Neelys down a street and silencing that fucking yammering with his detachable jaw. Rachel Ray would never see the end coming from Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi until it was too late. BBQ sauce would cover her head as everything goes black and we win money. Too bad Richard Dawson isn't alive to host this show. Bob Barker, Wink Martindale or Chuck Woolery could handle it with ease.

Jay Feely Probably Shouldn't Show Up For The Dolphins' 1-15 Ring Presentation


Jay Feely didn't hide how he really felt about the Dolphins when he said, "You can see the lack of talent that still exists here". Many of his ex-Dolphins teammates took exception to his comments.

Channing Crowder said, ''He was part of the lack of talent we got rid of! Now we can go 0-16!" He probably (meaning he didn't) didn't say that second part. Maybe it does take a lot of talent to go 1-15. Then again we probably shouldn't put much stock into anything Crowder says considering he didn't know they spoke English in England.

Vonnie Holliday went a step further and called his comments "Tiki Barberish". Tiki responded by saying he always backed Eli and knew he would win the Super Bowl. He also asked if he could have a ring because he inspired Eli to okayness.

Of course, Joey Porter had to say something in order to justify his salary.

You know you have a lack of talent if Chad Pennington is considered an upgrade. This idiot kicker may have a bit of the savant about him.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

More Questions You Don't Want Answers To


Yes. Yes they are.

If you can't read the sign, it says, "Jack, are the Villa more important than our marriage? It's over, Jess." Jack isn't there to hear your question so I think you know the answer, Jess. You lose.

Daunte Culpepper Should Start A Support Group With Aaron Brooks


Somebody call the wahmbulance. People just don't appreciate Daunte Culpepper's skills. Last week, he lost out on the chance to play in Pittsburgh because he deluded himself into thinking he would be able to compete with Big Ben for the starter's job. Now he finds himself sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.
He works out and throws daily at his home in Florida. He also serves as his own agent, causing many to use the old line that he has a fool for a client.

...Instead of "hoping" for a roster spot in mid-August, Culpepper could have had one in April when the Packers offered him a one-year, $1 million deal.

"When I visited the Packers, I felt real good about the opportunity to back up Aaron [Rodgers] on a good team," Culpepper said. "I just sensed that when it was time to negotiate that there were some unresolved issues that kept them from giving me a market-value offer. I think that the Brett Favre situation was in the background while they were dealing with me."

Then why not take the Steelers' offer last Sunday?

"I just was not willing to take the vet minimum and no guaranteed roster spot," said Culpepper, referring to the $730,000 salary.
Hope Daunte has Sunday Ticket on his sex boat. It's a long season when you're sitting on your ass. At least he knows what it's like to be a Liverpool fan. You know with the whole not having a job thing.

Jackie Has Some Skills With The Balls

Gary Oldman should have reverted to his character Jackie Flannery from State of Grace (NSFW - language) or Bex from The Firm while filming a commercial for ITV's football ad promotion. Check this outtake where he shows off for the camera.



Who knew Friar Fuck had skills?

Ah So. Ah No. Argentina Loves Slanty Eyes Too


It's interesting how my friend Don Francisco Dos (He's a Don Francisco imitator) has nothing good to say about Argentina. They think they're better than everyone else. They're wannabe Europeans. In their defense, there are quite a few Nazis down there so they can claim Europe or the Sudetenland at the very least. They do try their hardest to emulate Europe whether it be the constant protesting of the French or not-so subtle anti-Semitism of the whole continent. Sometimes they anticipate trends like the Spanish commitment to racism.

The four ladies above posing with the slanty eyes are members of the Argentina women's Olympic soccer team. The picture was used in a sports paper to accompany a preview of their first Olympic match. It was taken about a week before the infamous Spanish basketball and tennis pictures.

The Argentines haven't gotten any beef for the pictures yet. Maybe the Spanish took most of the heat especially after their refusal to understand why the poses were so racist. Former Spanish national soccer team manager Luis Aragones heard about the pictures and called with a message for Argentina. "Tell those amarillas de mierda [yellow shits] that you are much better than them. Don't hold back, tell them. Tell them from me. You have to believe in yourself, you're better than those amarillas de mierda!" They lost all their games including their last one against China 2-0.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Step Your Game Up, America

How many times do we have to watch a sporting event in this country where the fans have to be told what to say or sing by the PA system? Is D-Fence the best we can do? If so, we might as well pack it up. American fandom is like Bollywood. We're stuck in a moment and we can't get out of ... Fuck I was writing that and I just realized I'm quoting a U2 song. I'm going to punch myself in the balls for that after I finish this post.

Check these non-league soccer fans from England. The goalie just let in a soft goal during a match between Welling United and Maidstone. The fans wasted no time letting him know exactly what they thought of him.



Are we going to let ourselves be shown up by a bunch of part-timers? Are we going to be held hostage by arena sound systems and organs? We gotta eat lightning and crap thunder, America. Fuck yeah.

This is One Delicious Shoe

Yum...the Nike Air Max 90 burger by artist Olle Hemmendorff. This burger "shoe" was commissioned by Nike who wanted artists to interpret their shoes in art, thankfully Olle realized that there is no better medium than a dozen or so all beef patties on a sesame seed bun. ESPNZone needs to figure out a way to serve this, it might be the only way I stop in one of those. Mmmmm burgers...

From B come Boh via Neatorama

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Golf Ball Headshot"

BOOM...HEADSHOT!


Golf Ball Knockout - Watch more free videos

Friday, August 15, 2008

My Name Is Darryl But You Can Call Me D

Athlete and rapper. Together at last like peanuts and gum. There's not much better than hearing athletes embarass themselves on wax. "I'm great on the field or court so how could I not also be good at the rap game." The list of wack sports rappers is long. Kobe, AI, Neon Deion, Shaq, Chicago Bears, MC Hammer (well he was a batboy). Who was the first athlete to go solo on wax? I'm not sure but Darryl Strawberry had to be one of the first to do it.

You might have forgotten about this gem called "Chocolate Strawberry" recorded by Darryl, UTFO and Run DMC in 1987.
When I'm runnin, all the players make space
My name is Darryl, I'm a baseball player
One thing I forgot to say-a
When I'm on the field I'm on top of the world
I get screams from all the girls (Dar-ryl!)
Eat your heart out, Roger Craig. These lyrics are funky fresh!

We'll leave you with these two works of brilliance for Friday. These first has the added bonus of Roger Craig rapping and Jerry Rice doing the K-Swiss. We give you the 49ers Rap.




This is the coup de grace. Not only does it feature Deion Sanders but it also showcases MC Hammer and the one and only Jean Claude Van Damme. There's nothing the Belgian Bomber can't do.

It Might Be A Good Time To Drug Test Rio Ferdinand


Hi, I'm Rio Ferdinand. You might remember me from missed drug tests such as 2003. It might be time to test him again. He's either trying to merk his kid or he done lost his mind.

Ferdinand is so in love with actor Lorenz Tate that he's named both of his kids after him. Lorenz was born in 2006 and Tate was born last week.
"[Wife] Becky and I love the name Larenz Tate and couldn't decide which one to go for. But now we have another child, we've got both the names."
If he was going to name his kids after Tate, he should have used his name from The Postman. He could be the proud father of Ford and Lincoln. He'd have Mercury left over if he and the wifey decide to pop out another shorty in the future.

I was planning on naming my kids after Shirley Hemphill and Fred Barry. However my first born will be named after Jimmy Walker's character in Let's Do It Again. I can't wait to bore you all with pictures of little Bootney Farnsworth Redonkulous. Mongo Slade will be followed by Biggie Smalls cause he's the illest.

Forget Hard Knocks. HBO Needs To Peep This Idea


Jay Cutler is all about tough love. He slammed WR Brandon Marshall after he cut himself "slipping on a McDonald's bag". However he's not about to give up on his boy even though he's probably going to serve a two to three game suspension for violating the NFL's code of conduct.

Marshall plans on crashing at Cutler's pad during his suspension and engage in some home schooling. He plans on studying the playbook and film in addition to working out with Cutler at night. Who knows if this will start him on the path to wholesome living but it's worth a try.

T.O. is supposed to watch over Pacman in Dallas. Pacman should move in with T.O. and HBO should film it as a reality show or a sitcom. They could call it "TnA" or "That's Pac!". How great would that be? Screw watching players fall asleep in meetings or rookies getting cut. Imagine T.O. coming home to find Pacman installed a stripper pole and DJ booth in his house while he was at work. T.O. could open his door only to see some big booty hoes working the pole in his living room. Pac and Luther Campbell (uncensored so careful if you're at work) would be making it rain and smoking cigars while "Hoochie Mama" (also uncensored) blasts in the background. Another episode could have a unreinstated, bored Pacman try to work T.O.'s alleged BangBros.com connnections so he can film his own porn on the star in Texas Stadium. Jason Garrett would have to be in this one as the assistant coach who plays the choir boy but really calls himself "Freak Nasty" and creeps out the porn stars with his fetish demands like being slapped in the balls with a donkey dildo wielded by a 300 lb Eskimo girl while having tartar sauce thrown and rubbed all over his face. Who's got Pacman Fever now?

Vincet Askew Might Need A Lawyer


Former Seattle Supersonic and Albany Patroons head coach Vincent Askew, seen here with some Patroons cheerleaders, was arrested yesterday for allegedly having sex with a 16 year old girl at a hotel in Florida. He allegedly told the girl he was a high school basketball coach (which he isnt), that he was scouting her (which he was...but not for basketball purposes) and trying to recruit her for his team (which, again, he doesn't have). Got that?

I don't even know if i can muster the mental strength it would take to come up with an original quip about yet another athlete engaging in yet another sexual encounter with an under-age female. Its just become too common at this point. You kind of wake up in the morning and if you don't hear about it on the radio you wonder, "hm...something seems off today, I wonder what it is...oh right, i haven't heard anything about an athlete sexually assulting a teenager. Today must be one of those GOOD days I hear people talk about." Sad, just sad.

Via Captial 9 News

A Glass Joe Imitation For The Ages

I wonder if Mohawk Indians and Mr. T felt this punch.


Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tiki Barber Swallows His Pride For Our Entertainment

Tiki Barber is really doing some innovative things with his gig at NBC. Watch the former all pro footballer suck up a lot of pride and allow himself to be picked up and carried over the shoulder of Rulon Gardner, the giant Olympic wrestling gold medalist, while covering the Olympics over in Beijing. If you look carefully you can actually see some of his pride and ego escaping him. He knows he's a hack. Also, you gotta love the sweat stains on Rulon as well. That man would sweat while pouring cereal.

video


Via Oliver Willis

Steven Jackson Continues Plot To Ruin Your Fantasy Football Team

Steven Jackson's training camp holdout is now over 20 days long and he's been fined over $300,000 for his insubordination. Strange that he isn't there because he wants more money but is giving up $300k, weird how that works. In any case, he's not close to coming into camp any time soon as his agents and the team have only just started to have "low-level" talks about a new deal, which is probably going something like
"He's really not coming back is he?"
"Nope."
"How much more does he want?"
"How much more you got?"
"Fuck you."

At least that's how I imagine it. What is lost in this coverage is not the impact that this is having on the team, SJax's career, or his agent's ability to land any more clients if this holdout doesnt work, no, what is lost in this coverage is the impact that this is having on fantasy football players everywhere.

It was bad enough last year when Jackson was hurt for most the year, and when he was healthy was running behind a shambles of an offensive line. Now, he hasn't practiced a day of football leading up to the season. That isn't good for you. Statistically, its horrible for you says Dick Vermeil,

"Carl Peterson did a study for the Kansas City Chiefs," Vermeil said. "He's one of the most experienced presidents-general managers in the National Football League.

"He's been there since 1989, and he's done studies as to holdouts. Not only in Kansas City, but all through the league. He says there's a much higher correlation or a chance of getting injured after holding out, regardless of position."

Someone is going to have to draft this guy, and draft him in the first round, and will basically be taking the old maid. Someone is going to look at his draft guides, see that there is no way that Stephen Jackson should be available at the 6th or 7th pick in the first round. Someone is going to have to now make a choice to either draft Marshawn Lynch, Clinton Portis or Stephen Jackson...and inevitably they will take SJax because "He's only 25! He could run for 2000 yards! Its a steal!! It would be over valuing those scrubs taking them here!" That same someone, will end up losing this year for it.

I'm not sayin that someone is me...but i'm fuckin' pissed about this holdout.

The Marvin Gaye Anthem

You might've seen that Nike commercial during the Olympics coverage that features Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem. Its a pretty neat commercial if you have seen it, and if not go ahead and check the link. If you wanted to see the full version of Marvin singing the Star Spangled Banner though without the basketball players doing their thing though here it is in all its soul-icious glory. That Marvin is one baaaaaaaaad man.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Opinion may differ but Lil' Wayne hasn't been the same since Mannie Fresh broke camp. Speaking of broke, Young Weezy seems to have a hard time paying for the blingy. Not like the old days when Cash Money paid some clown to hold their ice.

Sometimes You Get The Sh*ts And Sometimes The Sh*ts Get You

Hey there, dog shit boy. Flying through the air so fancy free. It's hard thing to get your mind around complex shit like abstract math. It's also hard to keep complex shit in once it gets the mind to cut loose. Just ask the Swiss.

What would you say about a shit so strong that it could cut off electricity? Impossible you say? Artist Paul McCarthy would beg to differ. An inflatable dog shit sculpture created by McCarthy broke free of its moorings and floated away from a Swiss museum. It managed to break a greenhouse window and take down power lines before falling back to earth ... on the lawn of a children's home.
"...The museum was not sure if Complex Shit would be put back on display."
The deuce is reportedly as large as a house. I'll never describe any of my masterpieces that way again. A security system was supposed to deflate the crap in case of a storm but it malfunctioned and allowed the shit to float away. Sometimes the shit just got to be free like Minnie Ripperton.
You can take the criminal out of Cincinnati but....Actually you can't. Guess who might be back.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

What the hell is going on in Philadelphia? Eagles fans have always been known for their class. Lack of it, that is. However they've rarely stooped to the level of a Scouser. It's a known known that when you sign for Liverpool, you do so with the assumption that your house will be robbed by your fans. This usually happens during an important game. Either some Scousers stowed away to Philly or Eagles fans have taken it on themselves to emulate their idols.

Broderick Bunkley's house was robbed while he was away at a preseason game in Pittsburgh. He came home to find his house "ransacked". In addition to several gaming system, he had legal handguns and rifles stolen.
"Neighbors said Bunkley has always had a security system, and that he's very friendly and polite..."
They also said he's clean. What the hell does friendly and polite have to do with being robbed while you're away? The Eagles might want to consider throwing the season (like they have a choice). The better they do, the more their homes will be robbed.
Gary Glitter is probably sitting in a Vietnamese jail saying, "Every time I take a kid, it's a bloody outrage. What the fuck?"

Chad Ocho Cinco? Don't Play With My Emotions

David Stern has to be losing it over players heading to Europe. Just wait until a marquee player decides to cross the pond. Depends time. Roger Goodell is probably laughing at Stern. "Stupid Stern. Giving players their rights and shit. You should have union that bends over on command. Ain't that right, Genie Baby?" NFL players can't do much of anything so it's always good to have people like Chad Johnson around.

Pro Football Talk reports that Chad Johnson may be on the verge of doing something so stupid, it's brilliant. He may be legally changing his name to Ocho Cinco.

Cinco was fined $5000 for having "Ocho Cinco" on his jersey last season so he's considering a name change in Florida. His new name would be Chad Ocho Cinco. This would presumably allow him to out Cinco on his back. His jersey would blow up in the stores. PFT also points out that players get a cut of their jersey sales so the change would result in straight cash for our homey in Cincinnati.

I don't want to believe this in case it isn't true. Please let it be. Even if it is true, Goodell will probably find some way to crush it Putin-style.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part Deux




Just like New Jack City. Rock-a-bye, baby.

Lions Fans In Training For Upcoming Season

You'd think Matt Millen would give Lions fan Mike Lazzara the VIP treatment after he went off on Mike Roy Williams during practice yesterday. However he's too stupid to see the scapegoat in front of him even though it's gnawing on his balls.

Lazzara was tossed out of practice after heckling Williams and FB Jerome Felton. He yelled at Williams about taking plays off several times until Williams came over and confronted him.
“It just came out of nowhere, and I was like, ‘Huh?’ ” Williams said. “And he said it again, and I was just like, ‘What?’ And he said it again.”

Asked why he confronted Lazzara instead of ignoring him, Williams said: “I just wanted to know, ‘Where is he getting that from?’ And he said, ‘You take plays off in the season.’ And I said, ‘Well, why don’t you come and do my job and I’ll do your job and let’s see how it works.’ He said it again, and I said, ‘Yes, sir. All right.’ And I walked off.”
Lazzara was eventually led out by security after being booed by the seven other fans in attendance. He did have a point in saying that "There’s no signs that say you’ve got to stay positive.”
“I wasn’t yelling and screaming and using profanity and all this at Roy. I was just being constructive, and they boot me out. I mean, what in the world? Don’t even open it.’
I mean, really! Seriously? Talk to the hand, guy! Who knows why he's getting all worked up? Jesus told Jon Kitna that the Lions are winning 10 games this season so it's all good. There's still plenty of time to suck for the players. Fans probably aren't going off on Millen yet because they don't want to show their hand before the regular season starts.


Via Detroit Free Press

That's Not Kosher

Nice to see prejudice is a one way street when it comes to soccer in Israel. Beitar Jerusalem midfielder Derek Boateng was subjected to racial abuse that would have made Lazio fans and Spain coach Luis Aragones proud. The abuse was dished out by his own fans who were furious at Beitar's exit from the Champions League.

Beitar supporters are known for being extremist, right-wing ultras. Their racialism is usually directed at Arabs. Unfortunately for Boateng, he caught it full blast. Here's the video.



Besides the monkey noises, Boateng was subjected to chants of "Derek Boateng is a monkey" and "Derek Boateng is a son of a bitch". Other reports have noted that chants of "nigger" were also thrown in. I don't speak Hebrew but the reports I've seen seem to confirm each other and the one translation we were given also confirms what has been reported so far**. The hate continued until the fans were confronted by the team captain and another Israeli international.

The story gets stranger ... no, more fucked up. Boateng came out and denied the incident took place. Apparently, the club threatened to sack him after he made gestures to the fans in response to the abuse. Ghanaian news sites are calling him a compulsive liar for trying to cover up the situation. The guy can't win for trying. It's unclear what his contract situation is but he needs to get away from Beitar as soon as possible.


** It would be good to get another first-hand translation in case I'm missing some other insults.

I've tried to track down the story Real Sports did on Beitar and their ultras but I've had no luck so far.
Shit, somebody keep an eye on Kevin Bacon. We don't need any Hollow Man recreations. The movie was bad enough.

You Do Not Want To Get Between Gary Sheffield and Jim Leyland


Please let Gary Sheffield keep talking about his situation in Detroit. He already has manager Jim Leyland "flabbergasted" and we all know how he can lose his shit at the drop of a cigarette butt.

Sheff is pissed off again. Detroit is nowhere close to being a winner and he has to play DH.
"I can be in the outfield and play every day. I don't want to DH. I don't feel like a baseball player when I DH. I don't know how to be the leader that I am from the bench. I can't be a vocal leader. I can't talk to guys from the bench because I don't feel right about it.

"I don't prefer platooning here, but I understand because I got off to a slow start, that's part of it, but I feel I'm playing better now. I'm back to being a threat I need to be.
That doesn't sound too bad considering some of the other things Sheffield has said over his career justified or not. Too bad Leyland doesn't see it the same way.
"I told him that all I had here for him was a DH. If he did not want to accept that, do not accept the trade," Leyland recalled. "I'm still confused by the article because it talks about 'platoon doesn't set well.' Gary Sheffield never platooned here.

"Platoon is when you have a left-hand hitter and a right-hand hitter. One plays against right-hand pitching and one plays against left-hand pitching. That is a platoon."

"Anybody that has a brain knows that's not a platoon," Leyland said.
Leyland also claimed that Sheffield couldn't throw from the outfield because he wasn't fully healed. It seems as though they both have a point but it depends on whether Sheffield is healthy enough to play the field.

It doesn't sound like Leyland's going to do anything about it and GM Dave Dombrowski doesn't care either. It's a safe bet that Sheff won't quit when he does play unlike Manny but he'll raise a stink until the end of the season if he doesn't get his way. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Jim. It's gonna be a long month and a half.
Watch out, Chicago. The Riot says Ryan Dempster is going to be getting his improv on at Second City in the next couple of weeks. Keep an eye out and feel free to pass on any reports.

Blake Aldridge Is Like School On A Saturday


Really? Synchronized diving? What won't they let into the Olympics? Baseball and softball should feel terrible about being kicked out while synchronized diving and rhythmic gymnastics stick around. I can't wait for donkey jousting. Hopefully synchronized divers aren't all whiny bitches like English diver Blake Aldridge.

Aldridge wasted no time in throwing his partner Tom Daley under the bus after the duo finished last in the competition.
"I didn't blow anything, so I can go home happy," said Aldridge.

"Unfortunately it's a partnership, you both have to be on the top of your game. I wasn't on top of my game but Tom was nowhere near the top of his."
The pair were in third after the first dive but quickly dropped after several mistakes. There was also a "spat" between them between the 4th and 5th dives because Aldridge was on the phone with his mother. Daley asked him, "Why are you on the phone? We're still in the competition and we've got another dive to do."
"That's just Thomas - he's over-nervous. Thomas should not be worrying about what I'm doing but he was worrying about everyone and everything and that to me is really the sole reason why he didn't perform."
Daley took the high road and admitted being nervous. He said they both had a bad day and didn't do as well as they would have liked.

Here's the kicker. Aldridge is 26 and Daley is 14. Who sounds more mature and level-headed? Throwing a 14 year old under the bus for legitimately taking you to task? Stay classy, Blake.


Via BBC Sport

Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part I




I don't know why he's so upset. That's a great view.

Monday, August 11, 2008

China Has The Look Of A Paper Champion


Did you watching the opening ceremonies? Did you know that every time you ooh'ed and aah'ed, a minority was beat up somewhere in China? Expect big things out of the Chinese in synchronized monk beating.

You weren't the only one impressed by the scale of the opening ceremonies. The media called it the greatest opening ceremony ever. One problem. It was fake. Those giant footprints in the sky? CGI "meticulously created over a period of months and inserted into the coverage electronically at exactly the right moment".
Gao Xiaolong, head of the visual effects team for the ceremony, said it had taken almost a year to create the 55-second sequence. Meticulous efforts were made to ensure the sequence was as unnoticeable as possible: they sought advice from the Beijing meteorological office as to how to recreate the hazy effects of Beijing's smog at night, and inserted a slight camera shake effect to simulate the idea that it was filmed from a helicopter.

"Seeing how it worked out, it was still a bit too bright compared to the actual fireworks," he said. "But most of the audience thought it was filmed live - so that was mission accomplished."
Gotcha, roundeye.


Via The Telegraph
The Ravens have so many injuries that the coaches and offensive players are being forced to play special teams. Maybe Boller can pull an Ankiel.

Spain's Olympic Basketball Team Looking To Offend China

This is an advertisement for a courier company, which took out a full page in the country's best selling newspaper Marca...showing Spain's Olympic Basketball team in full "slanty eye" mode. Apparently they thought no one would mind this. Anyone get the feeling that someone else might be gettin stabby while out there in China?

Via the Guardian UK

I Can Assure You, Theo Epstein, That When You Come, I Shall Revenge To You


Manny can't let go. It's that or the New York Post and Yankee fans are so desperate that they're willing to create any scenario to make the team better now that Pinstripe Jesus is on the DL.

The Post claims that Manny has no intention of staying in LA after the season. He wants to sign with the Yankees just so he can play the Red Sox and stick it to them. He did go to George Washington High in Washington Heights so there is some connection however it's unlikely that his high school is what would pull him back to New York.

Agent Scott Boras is probably going through several pairs of underwear thinking of the fee he can pull down for himself if he can work a deal between the Yankees and Manny. A bidding war between the Yankees and LA would suit him just fine. Dodger fans should enjoy Manny while he's around but they might not want to get too attached to him this season.