Friday, March 21, 2008

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've been to cougar country and since we've had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let's go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.


The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham


It seems as though there's nothing the MLS won't do for Beckham. They'll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn't be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.

Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs' manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.

Don't be surprised if Landon Donovan's wife is part of the option as well. It's not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. "It's just like Leverkusen!"


Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach



Hillary Clinton isn't the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.

Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.


Drunk Me Up Woman, I'm Going In

It would be nice if today's athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich's Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.

Pattison, also known as "Party", was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was "unsteady on his feet and slurring his words".
A source at Norwich told the Mirror: "Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname 'Party'. It's a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player."
Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today's athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That's commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he'd probably have a job in the Premiership.


Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn't Know What He's Doing



I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they're useful. Word seems to be getting out that he's in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.

Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask "What the fuck are you doing?", Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday's draw with Tottenham.
Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club's title aspirations.

Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know 'what was going on?'

That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had 'thrown away' maximum points.
Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole's substitution. Grant's tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea's season. He's cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.

Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.


No One Expects The Scottish Taliban


The War on Terror is working out just as well as the War on Drugs. The Taliban have now spread their sphere of influence to Scotland.

Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.
"After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.
Well good thing they're on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.

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